My Pre-Approved List Of Surprises (Live At The Apollo 2011) | Sarah Millican

thank you very much for coming out tonight and welcome to live at the Apollo because hopefully the way I was introduced today it's really nice to be introduced it's really nice thing to get used to in a new job when somebody says your name and people clap and cheer it's lovely it was a little bit weird at the doctors the other day it's nobody clapped every time I say clap I think they thought that's what I had but I decided in January I think a lot of people do this in January does that in January to try it to sort of better myself not really bothered about losing weight but I quite like the idea of getting fit so I thought I'd get myself an exercise DVD oh you know when your partner goes shopping and they say do you want anything and you're supposed to say no but instead you give them a list I love doing that sometimes I just make up I don't even need just to say space [Music] what's the difference between a tangerine and a Satsuma it's a test I said could you get us an exercise DVD that's what I thought I'd do I get an exercise DVD I said just like a bug standard like a beginner's guide a very basic exercise DVD and he said no problem he came home with davina's buff your abs I'm gonna have to lose three stone before I can find me bloody abs so I took it back and I swapped it for the one that I wanted which was you know just fat loss has a goal you know other sequel that last tries again and I watched the first few minutes and you know it's always a celebrity in a tree in it isn't it because a celebrity sell this at the DVDs and the trainer knows what they're doing and in the first few minutes they were both laughing at nothing it was very unnervin and I said to the celebrity why don't you tell the viewers at home what weren't you were when you started this regime the celebrity went but I'll start at this regime I was 10 Stone [Applause] I realized then that I'm aiming for a stopweight what I like to eat is that so bad I like to eat sometimes I think I've got a tapeworm but that it's just full laughs but I'm trying to eat more healthily I had an apple the other day I'd put it in the handbag on an optimistic Monday Thursday there weren't any kitkats left and I was starving I thought I'm gonna have to find it around any handbag and I found it it was prematurely bruised and buttered it had pen on it but I was starving so I peeled off the clean panty liner and I ate it [Applause] and it was all right it was all right it really reminded me of something I'd had years ago that I liked and I was like what does it remind me of I can't remember toffee apples I know we've got some recognizable faces and we've got uh Olympic medalist Colin Jackson in [Applause] Colin Jackson it's all right for you you've got like a safety net because if things ever get tight sort of money wise you can just head off with their medals to cash for gold could you and we've got lovely Alex and Matt from the one show you guys are on Twitter people's on Twitter aren't you I like Twitter give us a cheer if you're on Twitter I like it but it can sometimes be a little bit weird can't it I got a message from a fella a few weeks ago and uh he said I've got a bit of spare time on my hands and I don't know whether to watch some porn are you [Laughter] he's been a little bit odd because I don't know much about porn but from what I can gather it's sort of fantasy isn't it it's supposed to be unachievable things you know like having sex with two women at the same time you know what a one to the fact uh Estelle firmly in the bracket of achievable by that left I saw to you you're this fantasy is a middle-aged slightly overweight woman who witters on this wander around Asda there's hundreds of me just along the end of your sofa you might want to be bloody married to one of me but I live alone give us a cheer if you live alone you do so I'm very happy about it it's something you might not know the people who live on their own is that you can still have breakfast in bed if you live on your own listen up if I want breakfast in bed what I do before I go to bed is I put a Twist on the bedside cabinet and then when I wake up the next day as my eyes are focusing I think there's a bloody Twix just there but sometimes there's just a rapper I've obviously got off far away in the night and gone ah either that other tooth fairy's moved over to the dark side in a relationship and the woman gives chill the couples in I've been with my fellow now for four years the only time we ever had problems was when it comes to present given time Christmas's birthday is that sort of thing because my boyfriend likes to buy me surprises and I really don't like surprises anybody else just really like surprises a few of you can see what we've done is we've got happy medium now is I give them a list of pre-approved surprises five or six things he's allowed to pick one I don't know which one it is so it's still technically a surprise it's my birthday at the end of May and he came home a few days before my birthday and he said never guess what I've just done I said what have you just done he said I've gone off list hahaha he said I'm not even sure if you're gonna like it I said why the hell did you buy it then thank you friend of mine who doesn't really know us very well she said oh that sounds like an engagement ring to me I said no it sounds like a plunk there's a couple years about really bad flu you know it's got really bad flu that you can't get out of bed and you just feel terrible boyfriend said I'm gonna go and get a present to cheer you up now I'm quite easy to cheer up I like flowers I like chocolates I'm a walking cliche my favorite flowers are daffodils which were in season at the time and were everywhere in buckets for a pound it's not wise I'm quite happy with the Twix or a Twirls you're talking one pound 60 and I'm champion because to disregard that relevant information and came home with something that he thought was entirely appropriate which was a Mr Potato Head you know why but ironically when I opened the box I wanted to rearrange his bloody face but you know when you've been together a few years obviously you get to know each other a bit better and there are new things that pop up about each other that turn new up each other onion you don't you don't know this these new things can pop up about each other they turn you on and they can pop up the most unusual of places we were having a carvery I love a carvery and and with his pudding he got a jug of custard and he poured the custard Aunt Louise pudding and then he licked the spout of the custard job and I was genuinely aroused foreign get in the car bring the custard I've always been quite a late developer I always have been that you know when you first find out about about sex about the birds and the beans give us a cheer if you found out via your family a few of you and what about if you found out via friends so quite a lot of your unaccounted for two just not know I had a book my mom bought me a book and I've still got it now it's a book by Claire Rainer and it's got all of the the parts of the body it describes puberty and in it they call yeah banana they call it a baby making hole now I don't have babies and I don't have any plans to have babies so I kind of call mine that kind of so I call mine my Chira Opera so I've always been quite cautious by Nature I always have been I've got a friend who's got what I call a very dangerous lifestyle he thinks it's exciting but I think it's dangerous to me exciting is when you start a new tea towel it's all been folded in the cupboard no just me well my friend has a very dangerous lifestyle he's quite open about his sexual exploits he said to me um have you ever had sex on a kitchen sink I've had sex on a kitchen sink and I said no and I got home and I thought am I a prude I don't think I am but maybe I am so I said to my boyfriend what I mean would you would you like to have set to the kitchen sink I got the impression it's supposed to be a bit more in the moment isn't it rather than just when you've done those dishes get your ass on there and he said why would I want to have sex in a kitchen sink that I'd be like eating a dinner out of a shoe and my friend said have you ever had sex on a plane he said I've had sex on a plane and I said no and he said that's dangerous that's exciting I said well I suppose it is but I think having a massive with a Q outside on a plane is more dangerous [Applause] and I've definitely done that and from the club and I can tell I'm not the only one we're all members of the pile high club thanks for watching you know what would be great my brand new show Bobby dazzler is out now and available exclusively on my website Sarah millican.co.uk put the kettle on and settle in

Channel: Sarah Millican

Views: 154,322

Keywords: SARAH MILLICAN, SARAH MILLICAN OUTSIDER, SARAH MILLICAN BOBBY DAZZLER, SARAH MILLICAN FULL SHOW, SARAH MILLICAN LIVE AT THE APOLLO, SARAH MILLICAN LIVE, LIVE COMEDY, SARAH MILLICAN TOUR, comedy 2023, comedy video, comedy, stand up, stand up comedy, pre-approved, surprises, apollo 2011, live at the apollo, #comedy, #comedyvideo2023, #comedyvideo, #standup, #standupcomedy, sarah millican stand up, #sarahmillicancomedy

Id: iisS52-YDz8

Length: 12min 31sec (751 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 04 2023