r/StoriesAboutKevin - Why Kevin, why?!

[Music] what's up guys welcome to daily dose of Reddit this is your host Zach and today's subreddit is our slash stories about Kevin alright this story's called one Kevin leaves another Kevin arrives there is always Kevin it must be some sort of situation decided by a sorting hat a Kevin hat if you will long time Kevin from kindergarten to eighth grade we will refer to him as Stuart left for hockey school in a different province this is Canada by the way a I am making this known in order to tell my full story about my Kevin you must know about his predecessor Stuart Stuart was a smart kid depending on the face of the Moon some days you wondered even how this child function or how they haven't died yet and on the other hand you're impressed they managed to get high 80s in sciences Stuart was known for his addiction to gum and the ability to eat any food he laid his eyes on I used to sit next to Stuart at lunch every day he would buy two cheese pizzas from the cafeteria and scrape off the cheese and eat the sauce covered bread he would make a blood-curdling screech that sounded like some of the hollows from dark souls Stuart would also spit on his food to prevent the other children from eating it but this was middle school and spit covered food was probably the least diseased thing in the school Stuart had a full-on gum addiction consuming at least a pack a day his father intervened and Stuart went ballistic it was like removing the source of cocaine from a crackhead he would do almost anything just to chew some gum even trading away his entire lunch for a packet it was known among the teachers and the students that Stuart could be paid a nickel and he'd eat a piece of salami off the floor from how many lunch hours ago the gods must have cast an immunity spell on this boy as I never saw him get sick despite everything he ate for a book report they once chose Moby Dick just so they could write dick down on the report without getting this kid had an incredibly squeaky voice which definitely contrasted all the hexes and curses they screamed at the other children Stewart was nice but he was dumb but not as dumb as Kevin on the news that Stewart was leaving a lot of kids were happy but some were sad because we lost our source of entertainment there was a Stewart shaped hole in our Stewart shaped heart but that hole was unexpectedly filled once freshman year hit memoirs of the teenage nympho and we were introduced to Kevin Kevin was from a different middle school and only when the three middle schools combine to form the despicable 9th graders were we introduced to Kevin at first Kevin seemed nice but he's kind of a butthole but he makes up for it with the weirdest crap I have ever heard anyone say it's almost like he has a random sentence generator for a brain Madlib style during science class a friend of mine got mad at Kevin she screamed what is your major malfunction - which Kevin responded with I am so hungry I ate three of my chromosomes oh my god Kevin once wrote a friend of Mines name on his shoe a week later he ran up to her to inform her that he accidentally wrote it with permanent marker and now it won't come off - the same friend he asked if he could drink cocaine off her cleavage Kevin assumed I was a cat he brought a laser pointer to my science class and shined it on my leg as a joke I kept it with my hand like a cat would now I cannot speak to him without him yelling at me I have made a grave mistake Kevin also despises me for unknown reasons probably related to me being a cat must be a dog person every so often in a quiet class Kevin would make a very good impression of a sheep every five minutes or so Kevin's friend will call him Jack thought his girlfriend was pregnant he told Kevin he could name the child Kevin's two choices for names were Kevin jr. and fidgets spinner yes spelt like that Kevin was convinced that people lived on Pluto and now that it was declared a dwarf planet and not a real planet he was scared because the Plutonians have nowhere to live Kevin once asked to borrow my whiteout Kevin took the stick and dragged it all across his tongue he gave the bottle back to me I let him keep it on the topic of whiteout Kevin apparently eats it often it says poisonous on the bottle Kevin knows this Kevin once found a snake and threw it onto a road causing it to get ran over Kevin got a 58 in my science class but the teacher bumped his mark to a 60 without asking because she didn't want to teach him again Kevin constantly sung jesus loves me during math class including the Atheist version nobody loves me Kevin had a girlfriend Kevin started to date her because he called her his wife this is grade 9 Kevin won some country roads take me home during English class for 20 minutes he swapped to what makes you beautiful afterwards Kevin got a 2% on a multiple-choice test statistically he'd get 25% how the hell Kevin achieved this null of a score is beyond me Kevin had a friend named Zack who was like him but nicer and smarter still not the brightest but at least he tried Zack and him once got separated in math class and Kevin brooded about it all day by trying broken hearts and sad stick figures on his whiteboard Kevin thought if you drank pineapple juice your semen would taste like pineapple I really really hope he did not test this theory robbery plaza tested that not one movie Kevin thought chocolate milk came from brown cows Kevin thought strawberry milk came from pink cows Kevin freaked out when we watched a video in sex education where the video showed a gay couple kissing Kevin exploded a spray can of Acts in class causing it to be evacuated for three periods and that's all I have about Kevin the craziest kid I have ever Stewart made a step so Kevin could take a leap okay you probably can't tell but I read the stories in reverse order so I read the next story first and in that story there is a BA in involved like the sheep noise what is with Kevin's and buying why why and also ironically eating a bunch of nasty stuff throughout your life will make you a lot stronger in the long run in fact if you use and buy a lot of hand sanitizer you are contributing to our own extinction because super bacteria is no joke so this Kevin guy is operating on a level well beyond our own all right so this one's called Kevin to when your gayness ends up destroying a class this is like the spiritual successor to my first primary Kevin post found here Kevin in that story is still a Kevin Asst far as I know but I haven't seen him in a while he did ask me where his juice box went about a day before quarantine hit but that was my only interaction with him besides his classic sheep bahs and sex moans in the hallway this Kevin is a particular Kevin a Kevin so special it's almost a pity I forgot to mention him here beforehand this is the tale of Kevin and how he shut down my entire music class music was right after English early in the morning it was meant to be taken but it was a bird course all you had to do was play your instrument and not screw it up and you had an easy ninety now the music class had a setup a little different from the others one it had people of every grade from 10 to 12 and to most of the practicing wasn't done in group with the rest of the class only with your friends if you want to which was great since I was playing the trombone because that's the only instrument I can play but I am very self-conscious about my trombone playing ability since I was never taught how to read sheet music by the teacher so I just guessed what note to play there are a handful of key people and I will give them fake names one of them is a and who plays the saxophone and a guy we will call Zach that's a basic name for an acquaintance to a Kevin I honestly don't know what Kevin is I think he would be non-binary but he has never explicitly said it he is bisexual as he has told me before he has been referred to as a he him or she her and they them but Kevin responds to them all and doesn't seem to correct any one I will call Kevin he him like I did in class many classmates assume Kevin is just Kevin I support Kevin for who he is but I don't condone his strange actions our teacher had laid out a plan for the class learn songs then at the end of the year we were to write our own song simple we were to pick out our instruments and Kevin picks the tuba we have alternates instrument day on Friday but Kevin would play anything within the reach of his grubby hands the teacher would be talking and you could hear the xylophone noises or the pressing of piano keys faintly echoing across the room and you could feel the tension rise our music teacher was chill with a capital C and I have never seen this dude get angry at a kid before so Kevin continues with his manic playing of everything poorly specializing in the drums Zack has picked up a ukulele Zack is Kevin's crush by the way and it's super obvious I feel bad for Zack as he's a nice in supportive person to anyone even if his fellow popular kids bully him for being gay which I don't know if he is and it isn't my business I normally step in and tell them to leave him alone Kevin comes up and asks to play the uke Zack hands it to him and then we watch Kevin mess with the strings for a couple of seconds and goes to hand it back to Zack take it Kevin holds out the instruments like he's holding a bowl of Halloween candy for people to take chocolate from Zack hesitates and gives a faint smile while scratching at his neck you can play with it take it I insist he shoves it closer to the other guy's face who gives a nervous chuckle oh don't worry I'm gonna play something else you can keep it for a while Kevin Zach banks is chair up a little and goes to stand up heading for the wall of guitars Kevin follows him like a lost puppy which causes Zach to walk away from the guitars and down to the iPads near the door of the room Kevin is still holding the guitar arms extended and Zach picks up the pace soon enough he starts to speed walk around the room Kevin following him take it's Kevin orders countless times much to Zach's refusals soon they are running around the room in laps until the teacher walks in and sits Kevin down the next day Kevin walks in with a Campbell's soup container and a spoon zach is on his phone minding his business as we wait for the tardy bell to ring and without even looking at Zach kevin announces to the whole class hey Zach do you want to try some of my kool-aid soup Zach says no politely obviously and Kevin just takes a spoon and starts eating red kool-aid from his can for snack he offered some to me is swell to compliment the baguette I was eating but I told him I'll pass these actions of Kevin were strange to be sure but Kevin's behavior would weird if I as the days go on Kevin isn't the brightest to begin with but here's the list Kevin tried to teach me how to play Magic the Gathering incorrectly as I've played Magic the Gathering for a couple of years he then offers to buy magic cards from the teacher and me to which I tell him my cards already had buyers which was true Kevin continues his quest to play every instrument but on some days he would just bring in his laptop and watch men in black instead Kevin seems to be attracted to every main male character for any movie he watches so keep this in mind Kevin would get yelled at to put away the laptop only to take it out pretend to hide it behind his music stand and watch a different movie Kevin normally wore sweaters in pain but sometimes he wore sweaters skirts and high heels I am all for wearing what you want but I feel as if wearing the same gray sweater doesn't really go with the feminine look as many girls agree this is Kevin's version of femininity he wears this sweater a lot Kevin told me that he had three legendary mounts which I told my World of Warcraft addict of a friend so apparently we think he must be lying Kevin also had a crush on this friend who he apparently flirted with in-game so much he had to block him Kevin was tasked to pick the world's most influential invention for his English assignments and he picked a very obscure steam locomotive or something like the Gulf Club either or Kevin asked our old music teacher to play stairway to heaven so much the teacher had to leave the room the teacher told us it was too long of a song to discuss in class lesson on songs played backwards Kevin believed that alien frequencies caused the Mayans to make the pyramids Kevin brought balloons to class for his own birthday which was two days prior kevin ran out of class a lots mostly in his english a teacher had to page the office to catch him in the hallways kevin failed english because he watched men in black in it as well the teacher found one of those toy jeeps in a ditch and wanted to refurbish it to give to a family member and kevin sat on the muddy leaf covered seat and pretended to drive until he was kicked out kevin doesn't know how to walk in heels properly by the way they were given to him by his math teacher and they're a little too big for him he often looks like he's about to fall kevin would bicker with my friend the saxophone player pestering him often the saxophone guy told me himself that he never expected himself a gay man to feel homophobic kevin was also in my gym class and told me all he liked to do was watch the boys run into scout he showed up half the time and when he did he walked one time he did run but he had like a heat stroke Kevin straight-up told Zach one day that he was bisexual - which Zach told him that's wonderful but he kept on repeating it's over and over because I think that's how guys flirt Kevin asked Zach to swing dance one time in class his answer was no Kevin asked me to swing dance I said no because I couldn't see due to an allergic reaction to the incense in the yoga room Kevin watched men in black instead of dancing Kevin eventually caused the downfall of our class when he apparently did something according to a druggy I know in the drama change room where Zach and his friends were practicing their instruments where Kevin followed them inside and not wanting to be rude they let him stick around suddenly Kevin had an idea to win the heart of his beloved Zach do you want to see me throw this pen inside a tuba everyone says no okay I'll do it everything back in the main room was going fine until Zach is walking out wheezing while Kevin is hiding a tuba behind his back can I see it the teacher asked and Kevin hands him the tuba in attempts to get the pen out of the tuba he played and twisted the valve so much they broke the pen was still inside the tuba five hundred dollars of damage Kevin tried to deny this but the more he denied the angrier the teacher got this escapade led to us all never playing instruments in the class again instead we watched a bunch of musicals like lame Eze and the Phantom Kevin had a crush on the Phantom and the scene where the two men were dueling for the love of the girl Kevin turns around to Zach and goes why don't you learn to start fights ACK it's very sexy during lame as he fell asleep on the floor face-first pull it up it was like a plank of wood people poked him with pencils to wake him up but he didn't move a bunch until he shook rapidly about five minutes later and woke up himself kevin was only wearing a sweater no shirt underneath and sach commented on it are you wearing no shirt Zach should have seen where this is going I don't know Zach went to find out was Kevin's response Kevin got kicked out of class a lot for making weird noises and still continuing to play instruments after the ban by then the class had come to an end during one semester he had almost failed music twice attempted to buy magic cards and a toy cheap relentlessly flirted with some poor guy ate kool-aid on the regular occasion and cost around $500 worth and damages and that's is the story of how in Kevin's quest for true love he effectively shut down our class and reduced music to a study period I kind of missed this class as there was so much mundane antics of Kevin that very day was a surprise we never even got to write our own song teacher gave him a 60 because if he didn't he would be in his class again next year okay first off I gotta say some of these things are little unfair like the whole Kevin's gray shirt and heels and stuff well how do you know he's going for strictly feminine because there's a lot of different styles and it's really hard to just label stuff like that I guess far as we know he could have been going for like an androgynous look which is sort of I think a mix between masculine and feminine clothing styles judging what a kid wears is not the nicest or most fair even because you know they don't have a ton of control over what they have I know for a fact that my parents like bought my clothes for me up until like I was 1516 anyway you get the points and all that definitely wasn't me saying that this Kevin is not weird because he definitely is weird moaning in the hallways and just all that just annoying crap that he was doing we all did annoying things as kids I still do annoying things heck I am annoying hopefully he grows out of it and has that same disgust towards the 14 15 year old version of himself that we all have because I definitely do don't forget to like subscribe and hit that Bell to never miss an episode [Music]

Channel: Daily Dose Of Reddit

Views: 16,183

Rating: 4.8601823 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit funny, daily dose of reddit, daily dose of internet, daily dose of memes, r/StoriesAboutKevin, Why Kevin, why?!

Id: gXL1W5znxOo

Length: 20min 4sec (1204 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 08 2020