r/StoriesAboutKevin - he REFUSED to be a SIMP...

what's up guys welcome to the daily dose of reddit this is your host zach and today subreddits are slash stories about kevin this story is called so many kevin's so many headaches i've recently discovered the subreddit and realized i have met so many kevins in my life it's no longer funny i would also like to note that i don't know a single kevin i've met long enough to have multiple stories of just one but multiple stories of multiple kevin's i've encountered over the years edit with the exception of certain family members who might keep minimal contact with i loathe stupidity and tend to avoid those that have managed to be lucky enough to survive as long as they have because i don't want to be around and become the collateral damage when it runs out so here goes kevin number one my brother once stabbed a knife into the side of our house making a hole into the inside of the house he then left the knife in the hole and our dad found it not knowing which one did it he proceeded to whoop us until the guilty party confessed every hour on the hour his philosophy was the non-guilty one would beat the guilty one when he left and he'd confess before being whooped again this went on eight hours and every time our dad left he said i don't want him to think less of me because i did it as his excuse for not confessing i explained he already knew he did it because he was the one getting beat he never confessed to it also kevin number one my brother discovered a video of the adult variety shortly after getting our first family computer he proceeded to try printing out video of the adult variety and it never printed the printing tray had no paper in it when my parents went to load the tray to print something out the printer printed out around 200 pictures of video of the adult variety i got in trouble for it and they burned it he then asked hey did you get my printouts after they chewed you out i beat him mercilessly kevin number two my nephew on his birthday went with his stepfather to his job he asked what he was getting for his birthday and his stepfather told him hangers he then proceeded to run around the store yelling my daddy's buying me hookers my daddy's buying me hookers at the top of his lungs repeatedly he was 10. after multiple talks about what a hooker is and an ass weapon he still calls hangers hookers he's 22 now kevin number three i worked in a warehouse a couple of years ago that had a sorter with tilting tables that circled constantly at high speed a new guy started who was being trained to place items on the sorter he was told specifically not to stick his hand or arms in between the tables while it was running two minutes after leaving him unattended he comes up complaining about his arm hurting we ask why i stuck my arm between the tables on the sorter to see what would happen we had explained beforehand that he could break or lose his arm if he did that his arm was broken kevin number four same job another new guy we handed him a box cutter and cut resistant gloves to do his particular job five minutes later he comes running up with his hand gushing blood from a huge slice across his hand yelling you told me these gloves were cut resistant i proceeded to tell him that they are cut resistant not cut proof when asked how he got his hand cut i wanted to see how good the gloves worked so i took my box cutter and tested them he laughed and thankfully never returned number five another genius comes to work at the same job manages to last six months on the job despite being an absolute idiot starts flirting and talking to a mexican girl that just started she doesn't speak or understand english he doesn't speak or understand spanish he hasn't done anything for an hour we find him talking her ear off when he was asked what the hell he was doing he replied she's teaching me how to speak mexican when we told him why that's not possible for the most obvious reasons and that she couldn't teach him how to speak mexican because she speaks spanish he replied no she's from mexico she speaks mexican not spanish he was later fired for stealing products from work and selling them on facebook kevin number six new job and another rocket scientist this guy was from chicago he couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground hired to be a picker did the job for a month i handed him a pick location to grab a couple items he looks at me and says where is this the aisles have numbers on them that's the first number the second number is the section of that aisle the third number is the subsection and the level it is on 22 55 3a same way it is for everything you pick i literally had to walk him through the process step by step because he couldn't figure it out how was he still working there same guy asked me about online dating i told him to go on google the website and search online dating and click on something when the results popped up or go to his app store on his phone and do the same thing over his head proceeded to ask if he had to give them his name and address to use it i explained that it was necessary to use the site but they didn't share that exact information with other users then asked why they needed it if they didn't use it really to verify your identity and location to match it to someone in your area unless you want to be matched with someone in russia or something said he always wanted to date a russian woman but it seems sketchy still kevin number six asked me about amazon asked me if they needed his name address and if they took cash check or credit cards they need your name address and card information to send you anything asked how to order stuff and if they'll steal his money or if someone else will jesus christ why me note kevin number six can tell you exactly why heroin is called crank and an absolute plethora about crime of every nature but common everyday crap is over his head 1450 an hour is not enough to live on i ask why that is and where he lives he tells me he lives in such in such apartments and they're super nice i google them they're twelve hundred dollars a month utilities not included he also tells me he has a nice house he keeps in chicago and pays for i ask why and he says i go up there every other weekend for my union and don't want to pay for a hotel when i'm up there yet you pay for an entire house you don't live in and go to a union in a state you no longer reside in god strike me or this idiot town i just can't take it anymore number seven different job and another prime human being a covina in this particular case have a cardboard baler at work you put all of your cardboard in it not just boxes she proceeds to throw all her boxes in it she now only has flat cardboard left she throws it on the floor in front of the baler and walks away with her gaylord a cardboard bin for her cardboard i and another co-worker stumble across it same girl brings another gaylord to the baler sorry if that's not the right way to pronounce that by the way i'm just assuming it's like the name we ask if the cardboard on the floor was hers she replies it was in the ban yeah we look at each other in an okay look and ask why she didn't put it in the baler i thought only boxes went in there i just can't i shake my head throw my hands up and walk away while my co-worker explains it's for all of the cardboard and not just cardboard boxes and you can't just leave it on the floor kevin same current job guy starts three days ago worked in several other warehouses says he hates warehouses currently working in a warehouse i'm currently stuck babysitting this guy not training babysitting training implies he can learn you know that meme where a girl hands another girl a bottle it's pointed the wrong way girl keeps squirting the bottle in the opposite direction and the other girl has to flip it around for her i'm effectively doing exactly that all day every day with this guy takes multiple long 30 minutes to an hour bathroom breaks and i get more done by myself guy also tries talking to me about sports i don't follow sports no interest continues talking to me about sports and wonders why i don't know or care about them the guy always carries a backpack around when he should always be wearing a helmet and not for the job just because he can't afford any further brain trauma kevin number nine a kavina my niece she is technically book smart but absolutely life illiterate no sense whatsoever as she got pregnant as soon as she graduated high school dates a new guy immediately after claims he's sterile and can't have kids she gets pregnant back to back by the same guy twice he still believes he didn't get her pregnant though it's been proven my niece claims i didn't know he could get pregnant a gone after just having a baby i thought it was impossible even though we explained in detail why it's the highest risk for getting pregnant again multiple times she stayed with my sister and me and her family's house during one winter i like it cold they used a kerosene heater in the living room to keep the electric bill down covina cranked the thermostat up to 85 and left the kerosene heater on it was over 100 degrees in the main living area her and her three kids were running around in their underwear with her chiming it was so cold in here so we turned the heat up then put on some freaking clothes [ __ ] it's winter jacked the electric bill up to over 900 dollars proceeded to blame me for the thermostat and electric bill my family knows that i like the cold like a polar bear loves ice and snow nice try she's been offered hud practically free housing for her and her kids food stamps and free daycare by the state in government all she has to do is go in and fill out for it won't do it because one i shouldn't have to drive around to apply for that stop just give it to me and two i know when i live where they're offering me hud it's full of crack hats she's literally living in a crack house with a crack head there's many other kevins i've encountered but these are the most prominent of them i genuinely don't know how people like this have survived this long i'm convinced that either god is constantly intervening to keep them alive or they have the best blind dumb luck i've ever seen i don't know i really don't but whatever it is universe please stop helping these suckers out nobody will blame you jeez next this guy's gonna say oh yeah you freaking let's eliminate all the the disableds and stuff i'm just joking i know you didn't say that however i'm getting the vibes but i'll give you the benefit of the doubt you're just joking but honestly they do have a point um it's a it's a miracle that these people have made it this far and honestly the whole nice thing um while i wouldn't do something to that degree uh i am i would like to say i'm pretty intelligent but i'm an idiot at the same time like um i can carry a conversation i can argue for days about anything argue debate whatever you want to call it however none of it is useful this story is called covina gives directions this covina used to be my roommate one day we decided to have a small party at our apartment a pizza and beer type of thing covina invited this one friend who would be coming to our place by public transit he's never been to our place before so she gave him directions over the phone this is before smartphones were a thing and people carried regular talk and tech cell phones first let me explain what the directions should have been friend would be traveling southbound by bus on a boulevard the closest bus stop to our place was where a boulevard crosses b street after getting off the bus friend should head west on b street in other words make a right with respect to the direction the bus was heading or just walk the way he's facing when going down the bus steps for about a minute the cross street he would see would be c avenue where he is to make a left so go south on c avenue c avenue then crosses our street after making a left on our street just look for our address one two three four hour street and you've arrived all in all about a five ten minute walk from the bus stop the festivities were in full swing at the apartment when i got a call from friend who says he's been walking for 30 minutes and has not seen our street now this tells me that he can't possibly be on c avenue because if for whatever reason he missed our street he would have hit a river a dead end two blocks later if he's been walking for 30 minutes that means he's way off course i ask him which way he went after getting off the bus he says left i.e east on b street instead of west because that's what covina said i tell him to turn around go back to the bus stop pass the bus stop left on c avenue left on our street and look for the address i feel really bad for the guy because this is a brutally cold canadian winter night and i can't go pick him up because i've already had a few drinks he shows up about 40 minutes later face all red icicles in his beard and half frozen friend gives me a hug and kiss on the cheek hello and says you op are good at giving directions he then greets kavina and says you kavina are not good at giving directions anyhow after giving friend the correct info over the phone i went to ask kavina what the hell you got friend lost why did you tell him to go left after getting off the bus well yeah cause he needs to go left on sea avenue but he needs to walk west down b street to get to sea avenue i just thought that part would be obvious how would that be obvious to someone who doesn't know the area you know what kavina i suck at directions too that doesn't make you stupid i hope this story's called how my wife the kevin was saved because she is unable to unlock the front door to our home i've posted stories before and just like all the others i will start off by saying that i love my wife with all my heart she is amazingly loving and forgiving and is so incredibly kind she'd probably have a heart to heart with a devil and make him rethink his ways that being said she's a total kevin and you all seem to enjoy the story so here's another one about five years ago for about six months my wife had a habit of drinking too much getting way too silly and having ideas that any sober person would say wasn't a good idea for example on our honeymoon obviously we were drinking we were in a wine tasting town and it was our honeymoon she wanted to go out into the halls of our hotel and take the cats to school yes for real now she might have been 100 joking and in her liquored upstate forgot to tell me that she was joking she thought the cats our two per babies were going to be late to school and she had to take them a few months after that we were at home having some after dinner drinks and chilling on our awesome sofa when she asked me if i could make her some avocado toast sure no problem also important to note that my wife was currently naked which she does sometimes she just likes to lie around at home naked every once in a while so up i go into the kitchen and start making her avocado toast when i hear the deadbolt to the front door clicking and unclicking over and over again that was because my naked wife currently was trying to go outside for a walk which we also do a lot of at night going for walks but because even sober she doesn't know how to unlock the deadbolt on our front door i was able to hear and find out what she was doing thankfully convincing her it was a bad idea and getting her all comfy on the sofa again that's a nice relationship don't forget to like subscribe and hit that bell to never miss an episode

Channel: Daily Dose Of Reddit

Views: 15,196

Rating: 4.9159665 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit funny, daily dose of reddit, daily dose of internet, daily dose of memes, he REFUSED to be a SIMP...

Id: 98_WDjkbgmM

Length: 17min 25sec (1045 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 20 2020