[Subtitles by danielsangeo] Welcome to Ross's Game Dungeon. This episode is going up on my birthday, so I figure, since I'm a little
older, I should accept that and prepare myself mentally to be old. So, what do old people do? Well, a lot of them play golf. But, I don't know if I can
stomach a normal golfing game because that's really going to
cause an existential crisis for me as to what am I doing with my life, but I like mini-golf so
let's go with that. This is Zany Golf... or more accurately
Will Harvey's Zany Golf. Will Harvey is also known as the
designer of Marble Madness. This is a golfing game. Surprise! Now, this is the Amiga version
of the game I'm running. It was originally written for
the Apple II GS, but I had issues being able to emulate
and record that version properly. This version is the next best thing
as the colors and sound quality are pretty comparable to the original. Just be glad I went the extra mile
here and didn't run the DOS-version. [discordant bleeps] This was the ultimate mini-golf
game for a long time. It has good physics, very exotic courses, and good graphics on every
version except the DOS one. This game is kind of brutal, though, as
you're given a limited number of strokes then it's game over. Most of the levels take
some skill to survive, but the fourth hole, the pinball
one, is just a dice toss as to whether you're going to live or die. There's a healthy-sized gap in
between the paddles and you don't control how it
bounces off the bumpers so this stage is pure luck as to
whether you will survive it or not. Now, games on average were
definitely harder back in the '80s, but this is an example of simple malice. This game is sadistic game design. I can't think of many games like this where
you get to play through a third of the game, then you essentially get to
play Russian Roulette to see if you get to play more levels or die and start the game
over from the beginning. I guess this was a gimmick to
extend the gameplay hours, because the odds of you having a successful
playthrough are drastically lower this way. I think this is kind of mean-spirited. If you go to an actual putt-putt golf course
and you're over par for the hole you're on, the owner of the course isn't going to
walk out there and shoot you in the head. But they will here. Thanks, Will. Also, the last level is just
designed to kill you and looks like an electric
torture chamber for the Nazis that's been retrofitted as a
mini-golf course, but it's the last level and this game has
no special endings, so that's forgivable. So, if they got rid of or
modified the pinball level, I would say this game is hard, but fair. But, as it stands, this game is
just out for blood instead. That's unfortunate because golf
is a game you play to unwind anyway, or at least, that should be the idea. I guess, technically, golf is a
sport, but it's not vigorous; you're never going to get
in shape playing golf. I mean, sure, Tiger Woods is in shape, but I guarantee you he's not
in shape BECAUSE he plays golf. Although the laziest of golf games is still burning more calories than sitting on a couch eating
Cheetos, so there is that. Anyway, in my eyes, golf isn't
supposed to be this high pressure. At least in real golf, you can throw
your club at people if you're doing poorly. You can't do that in this game. [music] Yes, go in... go in! No... no no, nononono--! [music] [growls] [music] Now, I announced this had the
largest burger I've seen. My first thought of the largest burger
was from Space Quest III and IV, but those aren't real burgers;
just a burger shop in space. But then some people thought I was talking
about BurgerTime and they're right. I completely forgot about BurgerTime. Those burgers are large
enough to kill a man, so sorry for not delivering on
that front, guys. I messed up. So, this is the second-largest
game burger I've seen. On the plus side, you do get to see a burger
hopping around frantically like it's alive. If you're the sort of person who
believes in reincarnation, this seems like kind of a horror scenario, being reincarnated
as a sentient hamburger, and all you can do is flop around. Welcome to Hell. "Do you still see them, Clarice?
Do you still see the hamburgers?" [fanfare] About the music: The music in this game is kind of nuts. Half of it is okay and more-or-less
fits the mood of the game. [organ music] The other half is chaotic and sounds
like it's trying to torment you. [discordant organ music] Okay... [discordant organ music] Raaaaaargh! [discordant organ music] Listening to some of the music actually
made me feel slightly ill during editing. [eerie organ music] The composer's name is Doug Fulton. I'm just going to assume he has
bipolar disorder and take pity on him. Again, just be glad this
isn't the DOS-copy. Nothing like the soothing sound
of shrill PC-speaker music. [high-pitched bleeps] Although it would be fun to call
somebody up on the phone then start playing one of these
tracks to trip them out. It would be better if the person wasn't very
tech literate so they'd think it's a bug. [high-pitched bleeps] Now, I like mini-golf, but I
usually find myself wanting more. Specifically, mini-golf kind of makes me wish
the whole world had that same kind of design. Random windmills, tube slides
leading to different places, exotic slopes and sculptures everywhere. It kind of frustrates me that a lot of
modern architecture is incredibly bland. Strip malls, and public schools especially, give me this subtle vibe like
they want me to kill myself. I mean, of course you have
cost and stability concerns, so it's a hassle to get too exotic, but what the hell is keeping us from adding
a gargoyle or engraved faces to more things? Do you know how many artists would
donate sculptures to buildings for free if we let them? Anyway, mini-golf is like an
oasis of alternate reality that's made its way into our
dimension so we can play golf in it. If that's not a worthy cause,
I don't know what is. [fanfare] Okay, I don't have much more to
say about golfing. It's golf. So, let's talk about the company
that put out this game: Electronic Arts. Here's the problem with Electronic Arts: Several of the games that they publish are
pretty good, so how could that be a problem? Well, it's a problem because
Electronic Arts IS an evil company. Now, stay with me here. Some of you are probably saying, "Of course
they're evil, Ross. Everybody knows that." Well, see, that's another problem:
not enough people know that or not enough people know
WHY they're evil. I did some research on this and
I've found some debates online where maybe half the people
were saying EA wasn't evil. I think those people just didn't
have enough information. I'm hoping to clear some of that up. See, when I say something is
"evil" and I'm serious about it, I don't use that term lightly, because a lot of what EA does isn't
actually evil; it's just them being assholes. Like changing the gameplay to
make a game less fun, Day One DLCs, adding
microtransactions to a $60 game, those are all what I would
consider "asshole moves" but that's not "evil" to me. In order to be "evil", you have
to be causing real harm intentionally: destroying culture, betraying
trust, outright exploitation, firing lots of competent people at the
same time you're making record profits, stuff like that. So, why is EA evil? Well, the earliest concrete example
I could find was back in '87 or '88. During that time, EA signed
a deal with Bethesda to publish a sequel to
their football game since Bethesda had already had
success with their game "Gridiron!". Well, EA ended up NOT
publishing their sequel but they DID steal their
groundbreaking physics code AND used it in their own game,
"John Madden Football". So, anyone out there who thinks
EA is not evil, let's start there. Explain to me how lying to a developer
that's trusting you to keep your word, then betraying them so you can steal
their work then profit off it tremendously is not being evil. Now, granted, that's not AS evil
as killing somebody's family with an ax, but that doesn't make it NOT evil. And some people might say, "Well, that was a
long time ago. That doesn't mean anything now." Well, guess what? "John Madden Football" has been
a SLIGHTLY successful franchise thanks, in part, to the work
EA stole from Bethesda. I believe it's worth billions today? So, this is an example where them acting
in a predatory and probably illegal manner really paid off and has a big
part of their success to this day. So, being evil has been a really
beneficial thing for Electronic Arts. And they've absolutely reaped
the rewards from it. Now, after 1988, the next really concrete
example I could find of EA being evil is the "EA Spouse" testimony
but that was in 2004. If you don't know about that, I
may cover it in another video later on, but it's basically an account of
how badly they've exploited workers and contributed to making that
an industry standard. So, that's a gap of about 16 years and I somehow have trouble believing they
were perfect angels during that entire time. But everything I've found in
between then has been iffier. I have found Richard Garriott
calling the founder of EA the Antichrist, but hey, that's not proof in itself. I also found mention of EA filing
an intentionally frivolous lawsuit against the game company Origin Systems. This was a deliberate tactic to
ruin them financially with legal fees since EA had deeper pockets than Origin. The founder of EA was quoted as
saying it was just a business tactic. So, you can just say that's just
business competition, but when you KNOW a lawsuit is frivolous
and you're using your financial advantage to ruin someone else, that still
strikes me as kind of evil. Also, I know EA bought the game companies
Bullfrog Productions and Westwood Studios, proceeded to mismanage them, and as
a result, both of them were killed by 2004. Now that is them forcing their will on
the developers, making poor decisions, and then ruining their careers as a result. With the exception of
at least Don Mattrick, who it appears intentionally harmed
internal companies for his own gain, I'm willing to give them
the benefit of the doubt and say that's more an issue of them being
assholes where the end-results were evil but that probably wasn't their
intent in those particular cases. Anyway, that's all I could find
on them being evil prior to 2004. I don't want to go past 2003 right now because there's just too much
evil in EA to fit it all in one episode. But, hey, I'm not a historian. If you have more details on other
outright acts of evil by Electronic Arts, go ahead and contact me. It would be nice to
chronicle how EA has been evil over the years. But, try to find items you can really
make an argument as being evil. Not just them releasing a bad
DLC or charging a high price. I don't think that counts. Now, what's the point of this? Well, I just want to remind people that
Electronic Arts really IS an evil company that has done things to harm
people and is still doing them. I feel like a lot of problems today
stem from not enough people being willing to call things as "evil" and
"wrong", so hey, this is just a refresher. I'm not even saying you
should boycott EA Games because I'm cynical and think
that will make NO DAMNED DIFFERENCE. Just play the games you want to but be
aware of where they're coming from. Eric Schmidt, the executive chairman
of Google, has said before that Google's slogan of "Don't be evil"
is quote, "the stupidest rule ever" because he felt like it
can't be clearly defined. Well, not to toot my own horn, but I think I
have a pretty good grasp on what's evil or not. Especially compared to many
corporate executives who apparently find basic morality
to be a pretty vague concept. And I don't have any trouble making
judgment calls on that sort of thing. So, if any executives at EA, Google,
or any other company for that matter, are watching this video, I am happy to
offer my services as an Ethics Adviser. I can straighten you out one way or the other! Well, that's about it. Zany Golf is mostly a good game
but it is going to kill you. And EA is an evil company that
sometimes puts out good games. Also, Will Harvey looks
friendly in pictures, but I think he must have a dark side to him. If you're interested in this game, I also
recommend checking out "Wonderputt". It's a free web game that I think
it has almost everything Zany Golf does, but with less psychological torture. So, uh, happy birthday to me! [jaunty music] Okay... Concentrate... RRROOOOOOAAAAAAAAA--
Setting time doesn't seem to work. Ross talks about EA from 7 minutes 6 seconds
Eternally awful