Ronny Chieng - Stand Up vol. 2

thank you thank you it's great to be here people on Facebook are so stupid dude they are so stupid is their point even discussing politics on Facebook anymore like you're actually gonna change someone's mind to the Socratic method some more use your words to convince them a less I'm an idiot bunch of morons posting links to unaccredited blogs to prove some kind of point everybody both of us conspiracy here's ten pages on this website that proves everything handing out reading assignments and you read this and you get back to me and you tell me how right I was so stupid same stupid idiots complain about privacy issues on Facebook oh my god there's no privacy on Facebook Facebook just keeps taking all my data Facebook just keeps taking all the data which I keep uploading to it i well the tyranny never and I just keep uploading my facebook just keep taking and take so stupid Facebook's trying to take your data what makes you think Facebook wants your data anyway huh way to do if your life that's so awesome that Facebook wants your data well you Jason Bourne yeah I want hacking a computer get some sensitive Intel this multi-billion dollar company harvard-educated you couldn't figure it out they want your data yeah they want your data they want that photo of you lying on the beach your legs in the sand right or that photo of your cappuccino next to your notepad because that's how you start your morning's right thank God you did that thank God you that's multi-million dollar data right there there's a lot of money we want that that's original content Netflix wants to make a series from that's great we need more Asian people in this country it's not enough right now we're like 5.6 percent of the population you get number right up we need more Asian people in this country I'll tell you why because we are the only objective referees in your ongoing race war between white and black people because you don't care about us and we don't care about any of you no no no you can trust us we tell you things there's no agenda there's no reason to lie because we don't care like lately there's been a lot of skirmishes between why black people why people calling the police on black people who very innocuous activity like barbecuing in the park or entering your own homes right you nextime we feel aggrieved don't call the police call the Asians we will come in and arbitrate any situation for you in partially and without bias because we don't care like if you call this into Starbucks that day we'd be like yo these two black guys are sitting down drinking coffee why don't you drink your latte and shut the hell up we don't care yeah because our skin is not in the game literally NFL MBA our skin this is none of those games so we don't give a damn who's kneeling at what okay I don't care about your fantasy football draft analysis we just want things to work ajun people just want things to work we're not distracted by the spectacle of show business we just want things to work so we give it to you straight you can trust us to tell the truth ugly truth but truth nonetheless all right like your white people you know Bohemian Rhapsody sucks it's a nun danceable song kindly stop chanting it at parties if you must keep it to your shower okay no hatred there's no hatred here it's just information I'm not saying this to make you feel bad I'm just letting you know it's the situation okay we give it both ways we give it both ways okay you're black people yo a little noise in the movie theater okay again no hatred there's no hatred here it's just solutions that's all we offer both your people solutions nothing more nothing less I didn't have a girl last night we played footsie I won which is good because I don't like losing to my sister you know I mean with I'll be honest to do that's like my best joke so it's you know it's pretty much all downhill from you but let's face it yeah I said you had a agent named you guys want expecting much anyway quarantine tank on this Chinese ship May let's go get some dimpsons you know house is tough about being a Chinese guy besides our massive [ __ ] it's trying to take a white curve yeah you have you have you been in China before would you like some china in you just joking right China would never fit huh China's too big is any more Gen X than a bunch of middle-aged white people telling minorities that he saw [Applause] we are the hallmark of Gen X is the one forty five year-olds dressing like a sixteen [ __ ] old [ __ ] about the next generation by complaining about Millennials self-absorbed using Instagram posting about themselves all the time they pretend like they wouldn't do the exact same [ __ ] if the technology was only available for them right only difference is Gen X wasn't smart enough they invented everything Gen X and they stopped everything yet invented sucked okay yahoo.com hotmail Netscape yeah you couldn't figure everything you did was terrible you needed Millennials to come in and make [ __ ] dope yeah if you--if jet eggs could make money by being hot they're doing okay instead what a giant Gen X do it caused the global financial crisis which wiped out like most of the jobs for single lane hos be more innovative with their job searches right so we figured out to disguise bragging as fitness and we're any money from it all millennial businesses are like fun like dog like whatever right we make money by providing services and aspirations a Gen X make money by like raping the earth child labor and poisoning people Subway sandwich language came up on their watch that's what they like to eat that's what they thought was food in the football that time somebody said which was fool the world as food is good last year scientists tested Subway's anguish for traces of food scientists tested the DNA of chicken we couldn't find chicken there wasn't enough chicken in the subway chicken to classify this chicken we still don't know what it is science has not answered the question what is subway neat that's what they did you guys contribute to culture it comes with nothing with Janet stupid culture center parking for men's Bob wire tattoos was there ever a music musician that defined his generation 1 and link biscuit that's your legacy biscuit also mate sing September 11 [Music] one said you did it but it happened to your watch it's not just your past roles that continue to destroy the human species while you continue to hold humanity back even the president is still [ __ ] everybody up all right Millennials media boat this is push with you and then you [ __ ] every other truck can you please stop rebooting [ __ ] you want an original [ __ ] Roseann Murphy Brown Baywatch ruling grace pick up my new stuff what are you making what are you making 2018 what do you keep me telling you we're gonna read read X OJ Simpson oh wait sorry already did that oh it's so unappreciative the technology would make you always complaining about technology and then ask us for help can't have it both ways you don't like it and stop complaining stop using a cooperative great think we don't need you on interesting happens anyway anyway you have any regrets no regrets bro you have any regrets man you're gonna use Gretz in life no that's right I have a regret I have a regret I went to Perth anybody here been jumper is that buddy having a burger have you been to Rottnest Island have you been to Rottnest Island ok if you don't know I'm talking about rottnest island is a little island just 30 minutes off the coast of Perth by boat ok it's got beautiful beaches all right it's got cute animals have rat half kangaroo things what you call Quackers ok whatever those things are delicious alright I had like three of them alright I'm pretty sure one of them was pregnant so that's like six all right it's gone run a science got beautiful beaches it's got cue animals nice bike trails right hey Ron ice Island it's away from the hustle and bustle that is Pearl City okay if pearl city's ever getting too intense for you alright because there's so much stuff going on just all the time hey Ron this island is a great escape okay that was sarcasm that was sarcasm that was sarcastic okay Rodney silence about beautiful beaches nice animals my spiked rails rottnest island that place is a freakin deathtrap okay I'm on the island I'm doing some shows on my hey what are you doing this island a day will you on this island day time all the locals they like hey why don't you cycle around the island why don't you take a nice relaxing bicycle ride around the island okay I'm second around the island next thing I know I'm lying on the ground with a broken arm my face bleeding into the ground you see this look at this Q says look at his permanent facial scarring they can't see these in the back verify this verify this [ __ ] dude I used to be white this isn't the first time this happened to Rottnest Island this happens all the time on rottnest deathtrap island people destroy our faces and become Chinese all the time it's like an inside joke when you rent a bicycle the bicycle rental guy he's like oh yeah yeah yeah you'll get your deposit back don't worry why don't you go down that hill really really quickly it's beautiful nothing what happened nothing what happened I broke my arm I had 12 stitches in my face had to go to hospital immediately okay I had to go to hospital immediately when you go to hospital now as you're getting admitted to the hospital before you can get a minute they ask you the most irrelevant personal questions possible okay they ask you questions like what's your religion all right like that's a relevant question as you're bleeding from the head right and you have to answer okay it's a serious question you have to answer you can answer no religion but you have to give an answer okay so they asked me what religion am I and I say I'm Buddhist and immediately in Perth I just regret telling them that okay because I don't want the doctor coming to my bed okay looking at my file and just going oh oh he's Buddhist or he believes in reincarnation he'll be fine all right just go ahead skwisgaar you come back as a bicycle rental guy right who do that stuff to someone else the cycle continues the cycle did you get that last joke the cycle continues thank you we need an Asian president man that's all we need yeah man or woman man or woman get that asian president in the White House we will fix this place in a week I promise you give us a solid eight days you will see results because we don't care we just want things to work imagine all the Asian people in government just going down the list of broken things in America fixing it one by one with no agenda just pure logic right just going down the list what's going on that's fine that's fine that works that's okay that's kind of okay that's broken that's broken EPA's broken Medicare's broken do your job to slapping people in the face government shutdown yo this whole government shutdown with Asian people in charge we don't shut down for anything we don't shut down for Christmas do you understand we work through public holidays any city in America when it's 3:00 a.m. and you're hungry where do you go you go to Chinatown it's when you go right because things are delicious affordable and open we don't shut down for anything Thanksgiving means nothing to me do you understand how meaningless the concept of Thanksgiving is to me screw turkey is dry all right I'd rather fix health care they need Turkey how about that is that someone you want in charge please vote for the Asians when you get a chance I think of how inspirational that would be if we have the first Asian president what an inspirational message that would send to Asian children everywhere in America if we have the first Asian president you could finally go up to Asian children anyway in America you can say hey listen buddy you don't have to be just a neurosurgeon [Applause] thanks for coming out it's nice to be back here in Melbourne I moved to New York recently I take the subway every day New York is the only city on the planet I've been to where people fight trains and win like any other city on the planet when the train doors start to close that means that train is departed all right you wait for the next one oh no in New York in New York if you can slip a piece of paper in between those doors you always got a shot how the [ __ ] is jamming their fingers in the doors with no regard for their need for the ability to grip things right sticking their fingers in just fighting the door in this dude fought the train for like a minute right fighting the train for a minute everyone else in the carriage was like yo just let it go let it go there's one in four minutes right if you let this go we'll all get to where we need to go to a quicker he's like no this is the one this is the one man and he fought the train for like a minute and he won you won the train tap tower you walked in like a [ __ ] hero right in New York so - that's the problem of America too many civil liberties much freedom there take a bill of rights - seriously right that should never fly Malaysia where I'm from you stick your arm in the door the doors closed it drags you on for like a car get chopped in half you bleed out doors open roll walk over your dead corpse right that's what you get you dumb [ __ ] no in America America one man can stop the entire train line because he doesn't want wait four minutes King of Comedy Ronny Chang

Channel: Parker Entertainment

Views: 945,405

Rating: 4.8520989 out of 5

Keywords: Comedy, Stand Up, Ronny Chieng

Id: c0gExYOJ7QQ

Length: 17min 54sec (1074 seconds)

Published: Sun May 26 2019