- New York City is the
only city I've lived in where people fight subway trains and win. (audience laughing) Like, any other city on the planet, when the train doors
start to close, (beeping) that means that train is departed. Okay, you're supposed to shut up and wait patiently for the next train. Oh, not in New York. In New York, if you can
slip a piece of paper in between those doors. One millimeter of space, that's all you need. You got a fighting chance. People take it for granted now, strolling up to closing train doors in New York, just uppercutting them in that black rubber part like that's the personal open button for every commuter on the train. Just bam. This train aint' leaving 'til I get on board. Where's my ticket? Right here buddy. My first week in New York, I was on this crowded subway train and it was packed. All the way to the doors. Right, I'm on the train and it's packed all the way to the doors and the doors start
closing in front of me. And as the doors start closing, this guy walks up to
the closing train doors and just jams his fingers. Just right into the door. No regard... for his limbs or appendages. Like his need to get on this train exceeded his need to grip things. He did a cost/benefit
analysis in his head. And he was like, you know what? This is overrated. Who needs this motion? Who needs this point
of articulation, right? Let's get on this train. My life will be perfect. So just create enough of a gap to start fighting and he fights this
train for eight seconds. He just fights it to a stalemate. OK? It's a judge's decision. He can't move, the train can't move. No one can move. And after eight seconds, he gets tired, he starts gassing out. So he uses his head to jam up the door. Like a door stop. As he readjusts his grip, right? He starts chalkin' up his hands for round two. And I'm standing there, just facing the top of his oily scalp. Just thinking yo man, just let it go, all right? I'm new in town. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to help you or if we're both gonna get arrested. Okay, I don't know the social
etiquette in this situation. All I know is there's a
train in three minutes. It's the A-C-E line in Manhattan. All right, if you let this go, we will all get to where we
need to get to go to quicker. But he's like no, this is the one, man. This is the last train ever. And he fought the train, for like four more seconds, and he won. He won, the train tapped out. Train was like all right. Gotta respect your ground
game and just full mount to omoplata is out of control. Anyone else want to run in
here at the last minute? It's not a schedule to keep or anything. And that's the problem with America. Right there. Too many civil liberties. It's too much freedom here. You guys took your bill of
rights and just ran with it. That shit would never fly in Malaysia. Where I'm from in Malaysia, you stick your hand in the door, the doors close, you get dragged for like a mile. You get brought to your
knees by the system. As the train runs over you, it starts going after your family. Right? Start like bleeding out on the tracks. The doors open. We all walk over your dead corpse. Yeah, that's what you get you dumb fuck. Not in America. In America, one man can
stop the entire train line. Because everyone can make a difference.
This was a really solid special