(audience clapping) ♪♪ - Thank you, thank you And hope I'm funny and
I'm happy to be here. And I'm really
excited and nervous. And like I said,
I'm from Peoria. I was raised in the ghetto, As Elvis Presley sings. "In the ghetto" (audience laughing) A lot of people think
to get the ghetto's bad But it's censored censored. It's really exciting. (audience laughs) I lived in the ghetto. I had a mother and father,
I had plenty of love though. You know, they loved me. Family was perfect. I hear my mother's voice, "Get in this house." (audience laughs) My father, "I think I'm
gonna have to kill you." (audience laughs) He'd hit you with anything
when he'd get mad. Right? My mother said like,
"Carry out the garbage." I don't want to
carry out no garbage. "What, you don't want?" "No, you gonna got
to carry it out." "No, don't move." "You'll carry it out soon
as I get this floor up" (audience laughs) It was great. I couldn't fight or
I'd fought him back. I was very afraid of my
father and the police. Got very negro when
the police showed up. "Hello officer, can I
help you search myself?" (audience laughs and claps) "I don't have anything on me" "but give me the handcuffs
and I'll meet you downtown." (audience laughs) "Not tight enough?" Some guys fight the police. They were brave. Orwell, he did not like
to be poked with a club. They poke me I laugh. Oh. That's fine. (audience laughs) Don't poke me with no stick. Now just ask me to
move, I'll move But I ain't no cattle. No, you ain't go hit
me with no stick. Mr. Officer, I don't
take no whoopin's And don't know nothing
about unconscious. (audience laughs) You understand? You hit me, I'm
gonna bite your nose. (audience laughs) Remember last summer when
they got that crazy man 15 police and 4 or 5
of them got messed up That's me. (audience laughs) And what you gonna do? We'll be back. Ten course send another car. (audience laughs) But don't come out of your house If there's struggle, you know. What's going "I didn't do anything.
I'm the Reverend" (audience laughs) I didn't hang out all the time But it wasn't all rootin tootin. No, sir. On Sundays I used to
hang out with the winos And watch them direct traffic. (audience laughs) I did. It was a lot of fun, man. I like to demonstrate for you What it was like And use poetic license. And don't mean that
I'm gonna offend you 'Cause I don't wanna
offend, but in case I do (audience laughs) Winos were beautiful, man. He'd always philosophize, But you know, it'd
be hanging out, Direct traffic great. Sit the stoop or stand
up like I'm doing "Say fool you better
slow that car down," "You don't come driving
down through here like you crazy." "This is a neighborhood." "This ain't no
residential district." (audience laughs) You could have kept
that sign anything. And I ain't gone fight. That's right. You got
to have some respect. Whoo! Whoo!. Let's see you birds
sing that one. (audience laughs) Tweet tweet nothing. You got to get down. Say boy. Where are you going Richard? You're hanging out, why
come you ain't in church. You don't want to go to church. Your grandma know
you ain't in church? No, you're supposed
to go to church. You ain't supposed to
lie to your grandmother. That's a good woman boy. Look how she got you dressed up. When I was your age. I didn't live at home. How old are you now? 25. (audience laughs) I was out in the world. I was fighting Jack
Johnson when I was 25. That was back in 1914. I fought him for 15 rounds. Got leg cramps had
to quit the fight (audience laughs) That's just before
I joined the FBI. (audience laughs) That's right. I was the
first colored man in the FBI. J. Edgar Hoover
appointed me personally Wanted me to watch the
Mexicans on the railroad. (audience laughs) See nobody in the FBI
could speak Mexican. I could speak it. I hear them talk and I ask them, "What'd you say?" They'd tell me (audience laughing and clapping) That's right. See I've been around the world. I've done a lot. You ever heard of
the Merchant Marines? I started that. (audience laughs) That's right. Me and another
colored boy out of Denver. Cause they didn't allow no
black men in the regular Navy. We invented the
Merchant Marines. Went out to sea with 48 cooks. (audience laughs) Something wrong. Say ice cream, man. No, we don't want no ice cream. Can you turn that
funny music off? (audience laughs) Don't nobody wanna
hear that around at this time of
morning, turn it off. Yeah, I get them
Panthers on you. You'll turn it off (audience laughs) Well jump on that
thing and jump on me. I don't take no stuff. I'm a veteran boy. I was in WWI At the battle of
the Cordon Blue. (audience laughs) No, you ain't bad
as mustard gas. If you are. I don't want
none of your ice cream. (audience laughs) So you got to talk to people. You got to know
what you're doing. Watch out here comes
the police. Hide. "Hey officer" "Yeah, Jessie. No, I
ain't seen no Jessie." "I ain't seen nobody since 1922" (audience laughs) I thought I was blind 'Til I seen you drive up. (audience laughing and clapping) Never have I seen Jessie. I knew I was ugly, but I don't look like no radar. (audience laughs) See that boy over there, man. That's pitiful. See that boy. He's a junkie. See him, don't you? About 22 years old, messed
up his life. Willie. Get out the street Willie. Why you gonna get
run over, straighten up. Willie. (audience laughs) "What's happening?" "What's happening? "I mean, what's happening?" "I know something happening
cause everything's moving." (audience laughs) "What's happening?" "Will you stop saying that?" "That me?" "I thought that was you." (audience laughs) "I must be high." (audience laughing) "Yeah, you high all right." "I need something, man.
I don't feel good." "You know what I
mean? I'm sick, man." "I feel bad enough
to drink some milk." (audience laughs) You need to get a
job boy. Go to work. Try to be somebody. You got a complex. That dope then made
you null and void. (audience laughs) That's right. See you don't know how to
deal with the white man. That's your problem. I know how to deal with them. That's why I'm in the
position I'm in today. (audience laughs and claps) That's right, get you a job. Ths
is the age of quest. (talking gibberish) "What's happening?" I had a job, man. I worked for five
years in a row. When I was in the joint,
pressing license plates. (audience laughs) I don't never have
to work no more. If you ever pressed
the license plates you know what I'm talking about? I try to get a job and get
went to unemployment office with a tie on and everything. She comes telling me I
had a criminal record. I know that I was a criminal. I could have told you that. I put on my white voice
and everything, man. I walked in and I'm like, "Good afternoon." (audience laughs) "I'm applying for a job and I'm wondering
can you help me?" Freaked her out though. (audience laughs) What have you done before? Everything and gon
do it again. (audience laughs) Well this is messed up man. Well try some of this boy. See if you can
help yourself out. Why are you trembling, man? What's wrong with you? I'm sick, man. I
don't feel good. I'm really sick. I
need some help, man. I just, I been up
three days, man. Yeah. My mama told me don't
come home no more, nothing. And am sick. I want some help. I just need somebody walk
with me and talk to me, man. Cause I can't think
of nothing no more. I'll walk with you, boy. We going for a walk man. We don't need no more company. Come on boy. Did I ever tell
you about the time I was with Poncho Via? That was back in 1935. (audience clapping)
