Translator: Cynthia Evenden
Reviewer: Peter van de Ven I'm a little nervous. (Laughter) I've never spoken like this before
in front of positive people. I used to speak to negative people
about negative things, but I never really gave positive advice. Over the last 26 years, I buried myself in this coffin
for some things I've done. Today, I would like to share with you
a part of me that has returned, a part of me I've rediscovered. How many people know a person
who's in a dark place but can't seem to find their light? I want to take you back to my childhood. It was good. Growing up as a kid, I had dreams. I remember when I first
started playing sports. I was just nine years old. I played Tiny Mite Football
for the LA Demos. Putting that uniform
on for the first time - helmet, shoulder pads -
made me feel special. I mean, there wasn't anything
I couldn't do on the field. That year, we went on
to win a championship. That year gave me the confidence
to believe in myself. We won the next four
out of five championships, but what's funny about that,
all six coaches I had told me that I was the leader
and that I was special. At the time, I didn't know
what they meant. I thought they were just talking. My first year of high school,
I wanted to make an impact. My high school hasn't made
the playoffs in eight seasons. I believe that I can get
this school back on track. We made it to the playoffs
with a winning record. The very next season,
the first game, I remember this play
as if it was yesterday. We were playing Dorothy High School; we were down by four points
with about three minutes left in the game. Dorothy was about to punt
the ball from their 30-yard line. I asked the coach to let me
catch the punt. I wasn't a regular punt returner,
but I promised him that I would get it near the end zone
or in the end zone. My coach had faith in me. I caught that punt,
and I ran 70 yards for the touchdown. One of the most amazing runs
I have ever done in my life. My teammates went crazy. When I got home, it felt as though
my dreams and goals were within reach. This is what I wanted to do:
play football. I believed in my ability on the field. That season, coaches from
different universities were scouting me. But later that season, I made some choices that changed my life
and destroyed my dreams. I was selling drugs on the side. See, in my world,
football meant selling drugs. I knew this drug dealer named Jimmy. One day, I went to his apartment complex. I knocked on the door;
I even looked in the window. No one was home. So I broke in, and I stole
the stash of drugs and money. I thought no one had seen me,
but I guess someone did because Jimmy asked me
about his drugs several times over the next four or five months, but I've always told him,
"I don't know what you're talking about." Months later, I'm in Minnesota, and I get this phone call from my mother. She's crying, and she's saying,
"They killed him!" "They killed him!" I said, "Who?" She said, "Sherman." My life stopped. I couldn't move. I was paralyzed. For those 15 seconds, I felt dead. Sherman was my younger brother. He meant the world to me. He was my best friend and biggest fan. I caught a flight back home. I went to the hospital; I saw my mother. I hugged her until we left. When I got home, my cousin Johann told me
who shot and killed Sherman. It was Jimmy. Jimmy disappeared
because he killed my brother for the drugs and money I stole. Months later, I heard he was back in town. I went looking for him. I saw him in front of his aunt's house. I went around the back;
I hopped this gate. I was coming around
the side of the building. But as I was passing his window,
I saw this little girl. She was about five or six years old. For a moment, we made eye contact, but I kept going to the front, and the moment I saw Jimmy,
I walked up on him, and I shot and I killed him. I came to prison with a dark heart. I lost the ability to believe in myself. So for years in prison, I acted up. I was impulsive, and I didn't care
what happened to me. I was an empty shell
that was buried in a coffin, alive. Prison can be a dark place. People want people to hurt
because they hurt. I hurt inside. My first 20 years in prison,
I was a mess. I'm slowly trying to put the pieces
of my life back in place. At moments, I still feel pain, but my faith in God drives me every day. Being able to dig deep beyond the surface
to find this light of self-forgiveness is the most rewarding
feeling you can feel. Three years ago,
I woke up early one morning. I turned my TV on. This commercial, a St. Jude's
Children Hospital commercial. Watching this little girl's eyes reminded me of the little girl
I saw that day in the window. Every time I saw that commercial,
my heart opened up. Those moments gave me the motivation
to find self-forgiveness in my life. That little girl from St. Jude's
was my light switch. She touched a place in my heart
that I knew I had to get involved with. There's nothing more
rewarding and satisfying than giving someone a hand. Being a partner with St. Jude's
makes me feel special. Knowing that I am able
to reach out and help others and possibly save lives, my brother Sherman and my cousin Johann
would be proud of me today for the person who I have become. I'm reaching places inside of me
that was unseen by the naked eye. I now know, our true journey in life
as human beings has a deeper meaning and a deeper calling. To feel passionate
about something you believe in, it first starts with self-forgiveness and the ability to believe in yourself. I'm able to stand here today because of all the people
who believed in me to share my story. I crawled out of that dark coffin
because if a little girl can smile and have so much life in her eyes
and be strong through dark times, so can I. My strength plus her strength
equals self-forgiveness for me. We all can reach that journey in our lives. If you know someone
who lives within their own prison of pain, shame, and guilt, show them me. Show them this TEDx. Let them see that I found my light switch, and there's a light switch
in each and everyone of us. A great man once said, "Death isn't the greatest tragedy in life. The greatest tragedy in life is what dies in us
while we are still alive." So I ask all of you to continue to show compassion
and lend a hand and never look down on anyone
unless you're helping them up. Thank you. (Applause)
