Mistakes we Make and the Practice of Self-forgiveness | Sonda Frudden | TEDxMountainViewHighSchool

when i was 16 i made a series of poor choices that led to a really big mistake and with that came feelings of deep regret shame guilt and deep deep sadness i carry this emotional weight for years and i allowed myself to allow this mistake to define me to determine my worth in the world i branded myself a loser damaged goods flawed it has taken years to reconcile with this and to be at peace with who i was and who i am this is me at 16. so what would it have been like had i learned how to reflect on those mistakes to let go of the emotional weight i was carrying and to look upon myself with curiosity wonder compassion or understanding essentially this would require me to learn a lot about myself to ask the questions that i haven't yet answered so here's my story and my journey towards self-forgiveness it was a saturday night and i was a freshman i had just lied about where i was going what i would be doing who i was with a group of friends and i had driven about 45 minutes from town to the top of a grade that bordered two small valleys there was a large open area at the top where we stopped we were all drinking after some time we got back in the car and headed down the steep gravel road the music was screaming from the stereo and our in our intoxicated laughter filled the car the driver suddenly made an abrupt turn that flipped the car upside down and sent us rolling down 160 foot embankment i clearly didn't make curfew while my family began to worry and called around looking for me my body lay motionless in an upside down car in a very remote area several miles from any houses the scene was one of wreckage and chaos several of us were badly injured i briefly felt as though i was floating above the wreckage and able to view everything from above several of my friends were crawling out of the car and others were thrown from the car and were lying in different areas along the hillside a therapist later called what had happened to me a near-death experience and i shared with her this feeling of being far away from everything and everyone below but somehow calm and a part of something far greater than myself moments later i felt the air fill my lungs again the interior of the car came into view or what was left of it i could taste the blood in my mouth and see the cold air leave as i exhaled i began to shiver i heard one of the boys i was with say she's alive she's breathing and i climbed out of the car the earth smelled of sagebrush and was damp from rain my hair was full of dirt blood and tumbleweed my body bruised my face swollen my eyes were black and blue i had knocked out my front teeth broken my nose suffered a concussion and would later learn that i had a kidney contusion we were all so lucky to be alive in one in one night the weight of a few bad decisions would equate to years of reconstructive surgeries and emotional distress i would become depressed while pretending not to be would suffer the effects of ptsd but wouldn't know how to manage it for several years so i had experienced difficulties prior to this event my parents divorced when i was in the third grade and my dad died of a sudden heart attack when i was 15. these were tough things no doubt they were huge moments in my life and they shaped my life i'm certain the poor choices that i was making were connected somehow and so when i pursued a degree in counseling i began to make those connections i learned all the statistics that children of divorce were more likely to struggle academically pursue destructive behavior have a low self-esteem and suffer from social and emotional problems and children who experienced a sudden death of a parent were more likely to express depressive symptoms anxiety somatic complaints or post-traumatic stress mistakes are a part of our personal journey i know this now but i don't wish for anyone to take such risks as i did to be held back by the emotional weight of their mistakes to question your self-worth because of them mistakes are meant to help us learn about ourselves and you can move forward and let go you can learn to love your journey and yourself while doing this i am a part of something so much greater than myself when i sit across from students who who have experienced trauma i see them emerging becoming and i wish for them to begin the process of knowing themselves and learning to love themselves and their journey does this mistake or poor choice define who you innately are we are so much more than the mistakes we make i began in therapy to write down who i was and aim to be and i created a list of things that mattered to me i wrote down a list of attributes and when it was hard to come up with one i would take time and then come back to the writing table because healing takes time what would it like to let go of the emotional weight you are holding on to i drew pictures of this weight what it looked like felt like sounded like i wrote it down and then began to share my thoughts with people i trusted i joined writing groups worked with a therapist reached out to those who would listen i imagined who i would be without the emotional weight and i soon realized that i liked this person what choices am i going to make that support me in a positive way after the accident my mom kept me home for a time and i was silently relieved by this i needed time and space to see that i was not ready or responsible enough to make good choices i could not protect myself from myself with time i learned to ask myself this question and in doing so made many good choices along the way learning to understand who i was and who i hoped to become despite many challenges help me forgive and let go of the shame i had felt this process allowed me to love who i was and to enjoy the journey a whole lot more thank you and be safe

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 21,148

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Mental health, Personal growth, Psychology

Id: PI9o1eZ59Z8

Length: 9min 1sec (541 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 11 2021