REBOOTS REBOOTED - Terrible Writing Advice

What do you mean I’m going to lose the rights  unless I make another reboot video? Well I’ll   see what I can do. Hey everyone! Uh… hang on.  Let me just fix that title card real quick. Okay. There we go! What’s this? Crappy  CGI? Oh no! That can only mean that it   must be time for a franchise reboot! Hey  remember that line! It was in the original   video! Laugh! Laugh now you sheep! This is  what my marketing committee says you want! Yes it’s time for another reboot of  my video on rebooting. Is this just   a shameless cashgrab! Of course not!  This is most definitely not a result   of creative bankruptcy and shameless  nostalgia profiteering! Oh hey… that   nostalgia well is getting kind of dry? Oh well  that can’t be anything worth worrying about! Wait a minute! Didn’t I already  make that point in the reboot video,   but better? Oh hey! A lens flare! See!  That makes it already better than the   original! Wow! I should consider expanding  upon some of the previous points of the   old video to provide the audience with a fresh  perspective on the topic of franchise reboots! But that’s hard, so instead here’s some  pointless cinematic universe building!   Hey everybody! It’s my Inner Creativity!  A new TWA expanded universe character. IC: Wow, JP. I sure hope that- Okay enough of that. IC: Hey. Wait! Who is that  laying on the ground behind   your shed *Gunshot* Sorry about that! He was the only one I  could keep the rights to. Now the rest   of the new TWA Expanded Cinematic Universe  Expanded is mostly C to D tier characters.   Well I did snag one A-lister so I’ll have  to build everything around him. But that one   will be the foundation of the new Rebooted  Alternate Timeline TWA Expanded Universe. Man. Even though I paid a lot for  the rights for these characters,   there really isn’t a lot here.  Well I’ll just water down the   soup a little bit and no one will  notice! Universe expanded! Moving on! More CGI! That effect cost me the equivalent  of the GDP of South America. That’s a good   use of money there even if crunched  an entire effects studio to death. Eh,   but that’s their problem. Maybe they’ll get  an effects award after they go bankrupt,   because I promised to pay them in  movie profits. I’ll let you in on   a little secret. Movies don’t make  a profit, not in America at least. Man this video is all over the  place! Wasn’t the original way   more organized and flowed more  naturally between its points? Look! More characters from the expanded  universe! Everyone aboard the cameo train! DARK LORD: JP, this script needs work. CONSPIRACY GUY: Yeah, no kidding. This is more  like a collection of skits than a real video. Shush! And get back into character! CONSPIRACY GUY: You’re the one  butchering our characters all   for a cheap joke! We were better in the original! DARK LORD: This pittance of a dialog  is unworthy of me! Me! The DARK LORD!   My Dialog is the essence of what makes  me the DARK LORD! For every word I utter   carries a power that cannot be denied! None can  withstand my wicked monologues for they are the   essence from which I inflict my will upon the  world! Cower under the sheer force of my mighty   words of power! Because I am the DARK LORD!  I will accept nothing less than center stage! CONSPIRACY GUY: What the Dark Lord will  eventually say is that you really need to   utilize us rather than just have us show up in a  vain attempt to float the audience's attention- Okay! Enough of that! Alright. That’s taken care of. Oh boy! My  reboot video is off to such a good start! And it’s so subtle too! Hm… some people might think this video  is bad though so I better address the   criticisms of the last video! I wonder what  those are? Should I go back and check? Nah.   But I will take a passive aggressive  stab at my critics before claiming   that I’ve addressed their concerns!  My rebooted reboot will be hot take   proof! Because stopping people from bad faith  interpretations of a work is totally plausible! This new reboot will totally feature  a diverse cast of characters… in the   marketing material at least! Bait? Why  would I need that? I’m not fishing. Maybe I should take a second look at this script  to make sure there are no… problematic elements?   I think I covered that in the original  video? Should I really spend all of this   time worrying about nitpicks and instead focus  on making a good reboot? Of course not! I must   pick a fight with those naysayers who make  their living posting crappy top 10 videos   and angry review YouTubers! I will have my  revenge [e-mail],   if that is your real name? Using my massive  platform to punch down at nobodies who are   paid a pittance for 1000 word hateclick hack  articles is a totally winnable proposition in   terms of effort spent. Ah yes. Ad riddled,  clickbait aggregate website articles and   Red Letter Media wannabe YouTubers with 20  hour long review videos! That’s the height   of online critique there. Here’s a free  honest tip! You’re not Red Letter Media. IC: Speaking of critics Oh great. It’s the one character I want to leave   out my new expanded universe. What  are you doing here Inner Critic? IC: Studio is getting nervous  about their investment so they   sent me. Because you really need an editor. I hate you so much. You are like one of  those unfunny skits in those old internet   video reviews. You know the ones where  the reviewer would talk to a costumed   version of themselves? And now I’m stuck with you. IC: Truly scathing, JP. Also a  tangent. We’ll have to edit that   out. Also probably your entire diatribe  against internet critics will have to go. Biased much there, Critic?  Also like you are one to talk! IC: There is nothing wrong with my  seventy six hour review of The Last Jedi,   JP. Now focus. This is a reboot, not a Monty  Python sketch. Ugh. This video is even more all   of the place than your usual tripe. Now let’s  see if we can edit this into something better. IC: A title card joke? There is no letter in the  alphabet that describes how low tier that joke is. IC: And a reference to top it all off? Lazy.  I would expect no less from you. Oh my God! Do   you have a lens flare in every scene? Oh I’m  going to need the big sheers for this one! Whatever. You busy yourself doing  that. I have a reboot to reboot. Now what characters did I use in the original?  Ah well. I guess I’ll kill them all off   unceremoniously now. Got to make way for my  new characters that come out of nowhere. Now   the main reason I am doing this is because I hate  the original. I hate everything to do with it and   anyone who likes the original reboot video was  probably and low brow witless, slob with less   brain cells than a tardigrade. I should really  make sure that contempt comes across in the video.   It’s always a good move to attack your own fans.  I mean it works for comic book industry. That’s   why they hire them and put them in charge as they  can think of no greater punishment for their fans. Speaking of fans, here is some fan  service. The love triangle! There.   I did it. Quota filled! That should shut them  up! Especially when they start whining about   how I’m missing the point of the original!  So what? My success puts me above everyone   else and I can shove in my incoherent  conspiracy theory rants wherever I want,   especially in the script! You can’t trust  the government ever. Except for Chinese   government of course! China is great  and has no problems whatsoever! And I’m   not just saying that to get access to that  huge juicy, but heavily censored, market! IC: Okay, JP. I've edited it down. Also  aren’t you getting a bit too racy there? What? No! Of course not. It’s not like  my reboot’s constant reshoots have shot   up the production costs to the point  that a significant chunk of the world   population has to buy a ticket just to  break even. Not to mention the marketing. Besides, I think it’s unfair that I’m being  forced to let you edit this video! Once the   dust settles I’ll come out with my  own edit! I’ll call it the JP-cut! *Phone Ringing* CEO: Hey, PJ. It’s JP CEO: Whatever. Look, focus group doesn’t like  it. Make it meta. Kids love meta! Also spice   up the dialog with some of that… uh… What  his name? The foot guy? Writes funny dialog? Going to have to narrow it down more. CEO: Got canceled? That doesn’t help much either. CEO: His screenplay saved one big super  hero movie and sank a different one. Oh. You mean Whedonesque dialog! CEO: Yeah! That’s the one!  Make it snappy and self-aware. IC: What if it undercuts the drama  by being too glib and insufferable? CEO: Who cares? People don’t want drama! Drama  emotionally exhausts people and makes them feel.   Feeling is bad. Thinking ain’t all that great  either. Instead, give them a chuckle or two   and then distract them with some flashy lights. Oh  and add a few more lens flares too! Now get to it!   Man, my intelligence is directly proportional  to the size of my overseas bank account. Well the boss wants it so in it goes. IC: Cursed executive meddling! What are we  going to do about the advertising budget? Okay. Here me out. We go… woke! *Klaxon alarm sounds and screaming* IC: JP, I personally know you don’t give  a crap about any cause other than fating   your wallet. You don’t know anything about  the minority groups you are writing about   and your understanding of activist  culture is rudimentary at best. You   don’t even know half of lingo or what is  currently considered politically correct. Well that’s okay. They can’t agree on any  of it anyways so it’ll be wash. Besides,   I’m not going woke for them. The main reason to  shorehorn in progressive politics into my reboot   is so the online whiny manbaby industrial  review complex will cry about it and give   me free press. Marketing is the most expensive  part of a reboot and these guys will do it for   me for free provided the original marketing  implies its all about female empowerment or   something. Actually I can probably just slot in a  women in the protagonist slot and call it a day! IC: But it will be largely negative attention! So? Attention is attention and I’m going to  get me some of that sweat sweat culture war   money! I mean yeah, they’ll review bomb  it! But who cares about that metric? IC: Then what metric are we looking for then? Well, not ticket sales or profit.  It is the gross? I can’t remember. IC: Oh for the love of good writing! JP,  your reboot is a disaster from beginning   to end! It meanders relentlessly, the  pacing is somehow too fast and too slow,   there are pointless cameos everywhere, the art  is inconsistent, the voice acting is mediocre,   the script is a wreak, the symbolism is far  too on the nose, and the dialog is bad! This   video has no redeeming features what so over  and it’s meta commentary does not excuse its   shortcomings! This entire thing is basically your  original reboot video but worse in every way! CEO: Hey everyone! Great news. I know  this reboot has had a troubled production,   but turns out I can use it as a tax writeoff! How? CEO: By canceling it! But the video is almost finis- GREED:   Well, gentlemen. It’s been a pleasure,  but I have better things to do and this   sad excuse for a cinematic universe  is about to be liquidated. Farewell.   Wait. That portal. Is that  a Crono Trigger reference? KNIGHT COMMANDER: It’s Adageddon! SIR ADBLOCK: We can take cover over there! CONSPIRACY GUY: Why are there no ads on this spot? KNIGHT COMMANDER: Oh this one got  age restricted. Every other video   is going to be drowning in Ads forever! It’s over! SIR ADBLOCK: Not quite. I can still block some of  the ads if I get to the center of the Intergate. KNIGHT COMMANDER: But, Sir Adblock! There’s  too many ads, even for you to block! SIR ADBLOCK: True, but I might be able to  block at least half of all videos from ads. KNIGHT COMMANDER: You’ll die trying to block  all of them! I… We can’t go on without you! SIR ADBLOCK: Remember what I told you  about change? Haven’t you noticed how   those around you have started to  change? You have all the tools you   need to shape these broad archetypes  into something greater. Something   that can defeat Greed! You can do it!  I know you can. Farewell, my Commander! KNIGHT COMMANDER: Farewell, old friend… GREED:   This trek would be easier if you were on Nebula. SIR ADBLOCK: Not going to  make this easy for me are you,   Greed? Leaving yet another sponsor in my way? GREED: Nebula is a streaming service  built by a host of educational creators   here on YouTube featuring original  content by these creators as well. SIR ADBLOCK: One day I dream of a world where  artists are paid for their art without the need   for invasive advertising. A place where  art is valued and the artists rewarded. GREED: Nebula has even teamed up  with Curiosity Stream, a subscription   streaming service with thousands of  documentaries and nonfiction titles. SIR ADBLOCK: A place where everyone can make  art and not worry about money or basic survival. GREED: Titles like Myths & Monsters,  listen to David Attenborough talk all about   bioluminescence in Light on Earth, or unleash  your inner child by watching Amazing Dinoworld. SIR ADBLOCK: But that place is a distant  dream that I will not live to see. GREED: TWA fans can sign up at  CuriosityStream.com/TWA and get 26%   off Curiosity Stream’s annual subscription for  less than $15 a year. That’s $14.79 using the   code TWA to get both CuriosityStream and free  nebula access, including ad free TWA videos. SIR ADBLOCK: But, my Commander, I hope against  hope that you might live to see that world, to see   even the TWA universe freed from the shackles of  advertising. But until then, this is all I can do. SIR ADBLOCK: Ugh. I think I did it…  I did it and managed to survi- HURK! DARK LORD: Uh… I think Chrome killed  Adblock. He’ll get better right?

Channel: Terrible Writing Advice

Views: 106,171

Keywords: Terrible Writing Advice, writing, Bad advice, Novel, Novel writing, Writing a book, book, J.P. Beaubien, J.P.Beaubien, Terrible, JPBeaubien, JP Beaubien, reboots, rebooted video

Id: TmgtHXuYAhI

Length: 14min 21sec (861 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 30 2022

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