Real Conversation on Singleness

[Music] [Music] good evening welcome to sandals church I know many of you guys are from other churches were so glad that you came tonight so let's give non sandals people a hand we love you glad you guys are here super excited I listen to Beyonce's all the single ladies on the way here just to kind of prep yes just beaver if you could be my girlfriend so feel like I'm kind of one of us so I don't know what else I'm supposed to do oh well thank you so much pastor Walker hosting my name is Mariah I'm gonna help facilitate some of the questions we're so excited at the same time and props to all of you who came to this event though you might have been hesitant we are glad you are here and we're excited to talk about this I'm going to start by introducing myself but before I do and our panelists are gonna introduce themselves as well if you have any questions for our panel during our discussion you can go on Twitter and you can DMS or at sandals Church and Tim and I will be monitoring that and we'll get some of your questions going for the panel here so check us out on Twitter if you don't have Twitter find someone near you who has Twitter make a friend right I mean this is a great way to meet people anyway hey hey just kidding that's no this is for but my name is Maria I'm I'm 36 and I'm single I've journeyed this for a while I am so um both in the struggle of God really where is he and this is an amazing journey yeah thank you okay this is amazing journey so I'm excited to dialogue with you guys and and this is my neighbor Maria and I've been friends for a very long time I'm actually her hype man so what I do is just sit here and and make xplocial expressions they really think you're funny to which you are you are my name is Tim I'm 30 turned 30 years old and December this last year working on staff here at samos Church and my journey up to this point in my life I really had this like idealistic view of marriage that it would mark the beginning of life like I would get married and that would be when real life would start and so at 18 years old I got to see be you got to freshman orientation in like five minutes in I was like where is she like I'm at college they told me this is when it was supposed to happen and so I have moved into my twenties very disillusioned and ultimately even over the last several years have really wrestled and and have just now in the last year-and-a-half coming to the point of I desire to be obedient to the Lord and I realized that must much most of my singleness I wasn't I wasn't obedient to Jesus and I really really wrestled and so I'm excited to talk about this tonight because my hope for all of us is that we leave this place desiring to be obedient to Jesus wherever we find ourselves married single that we speak the words of Jesus if you're married to those of us that are single if we're single that we we desire to be obedient to Jesus and we make steps in our life to prepare for what He is calling us to do regardless of what that is so I'm excited that you all here tonight thank you preach I hear some similar threads my name is Shelly Clayton and I'm a single mom so my perspective is from that I'm also 51 years old and single so that you know we have we have kind of a age span here so my perspective is you know what's the what's the purpose and does it does it begin when when you become married and and I think I listened to that lie a lot especially in my in my 20s that it isn't going to start until until when is it gonna start and then I woke up and decided that's not how that's not how it's supposed to work so that's me we all watched Shelly to be our best friend by the way she's so legit hello hello all right now we are on what is up you guys my name is vide I am hey I'm not a nobody yay just kidding no my name is vide IM 24 as of yesterday so freshly those mid-twenties I'm really excited no but I work here at sandals Church and I work with youth group and one thing that I wanted to try I wasn't going to but looking at you guys the energy in this room we're gonna do it so just uh just work with me here any frontside people in here make some noise real fast alright frontside people make sure you have my back if you're single and you're loving life let me hear you say alright we are here well hey you guys so I have kind of Wow yep I'm that person I'm the young 20 year old Here I am no but I've kind of teetered the line of you know my late teen years kind of walking into a room and like okay okay okay where's the hours I gotta like all right who's gonna be the guy tonight whatever um where's Wow should I just walk out now it's been good having you on staff it's been good it's a good run I do work here at Santos Church no but I am definitely in the season right now I just graduated from CBO in May and you know college undergrad at CBU is oh my gosh when are you getting married who are you dating how long have you been together where's your purity ring like ring by spring let's go let's go let's go and I have kind of been in this season of like oh my gosh should I be wanting to like should I be super upset that I'm not in engagement or a marriage or something like that and I'm just trying to figure out what that looks like while also being so comfortable in content with just where God has me and what I am able to do in this season so that's kind of the perspective I'm given on this panel as well as repping us millenials oh hello my name is Andrew I'm 28 I've worked here at samos church for seven years now it's kind of become my home if you listen to the debrief I was on a couple weeks ago talking on episode 96 so it was just talking a little bit about my story and I struggle with same-sex attraction and my perspective tonight as I answer questions really talk is I want to talk about what it's like to choose a single life and be able to invest in community and really get out of community things that other people might get out of relationships as I continue to choose a single life my name is Dan Herrera I am 50 not oh that is so sweet thank you so I'm in about a year a month and a half I'll be 60 those those were cat calls bro yeah was it was it for me I wish I had energy but but my but my story is one of I've been divorced twice I was married for about eighteen years had an amazing amazing life had an amazing wife awesome mom you know it's one of those lives that you really want to have and cherish but instead I wanted to go for something literally in gold so after 19 years it was a divorce and then the second marriage lasted 32 days so that was in 2006 so I've been single since 2006 around 2011 I'm driving a car about 135 miles to a cement bridge you know I can remember my wife's words you were such a miserable man you will die alone so life was not going well and those words echoed in my brain I thought about it for a bit and I said you know what I'll do it on the way back so I made a call to pastor Andrew it is words were words that changed my life Danny where are you so he's an amazing man he held me or stayed on the phone all the way back to Riverside I I got some help and the first thing he did was put me to work in the east gate of the Woodcrest campus to greet people to say hi so my story is one of so I've been divorced twice but God's not done with me let yet and my vow to him as you hear in marriage vows is til last breath you take my vow is till last breath I take I will serve and honor amen amen so we're gonna start with the first question but first I just want to thank pastor Matt did you guys hear his message this weekend it was so encouraging and one of the things as we dive into the first like topic I want him to just tell you about his heart for singles in our church so would you say first of all thank you again for those of you who don't attend Santals Church for you coming tonight I think that's a big deal we don't just want to get this message out at Sandals church we want it at every Church and the reality is churches don't do a good job with singles we just don't I joke today that you know people say when you come to church are you dating or you're dating or dating are you engaged you're engaged you're engaged are you gonna get married are you married are you married are married when you can have kids when you have kids now when you're gonna die are you gonna die or you're gonna make like like we just we just rush people into something that listen to me marriage is the most important decision in life second only to choosing Christ it's that important in marriage can be a blessing or a curse and a lot of people don't realize Jesus talked about singleness he actually he actually says you should really consider this he says I know it's hard but you should consider this that's in Matthew 19 11 the Apostle Paul in 1st Corinthians chapter 7 talks about his hope and desire is that you would remain single as he is because the real reality is marriage is not as easy as you think it's not gonna solve everything and a lot of times you know as single people I think you feel like you're the only ones who are lonely married people feel lonely moms feel lonely everybody feels lonely and changing your situation won't necessarily deal with that feeling as actually if you run into a marriage that you didn't want and God told you no but you didn't listen so so make sure God's will for your life is not for you to be married it's for you to follow him that's his will that's his will for you his desire for you Matthew 6:33 seek ye first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you I need that wisdom for my marriage and you need that wisdom for singleness and that's just the reality so download the message check it out everybody says 11:45 one was great today I got to hear it I don't know but I'm gonna check it out so we'll see I'm just really glad you guys are here and that's my prayer for you and I believe singles can have a vibrant incredible ministry and they can serve God in extraordinary ways that's why Jesus was single well amen that's so good so that leads to our first question for the panelists I was actually really convicted by your message thank you yeah you feel like I was staring at you yeah like speaking right to me I was at Marina Valley leading worship and the video was like Mariah Mariah Mariah like what are you doing with your singleness let the word of god inspire you and live a purpose for your life and I was like ooh lord I need to take this seriously I need to really really I was sobered up you know and oftentimes someone submitted this question oftentimes when we talk about singleness it's like everyone always refers to it as a holding period or well you know singles when you get married you'll understand or you know when you when you when you when this happens you'll get it you know we never you know all that what is the point now how are we using our lives right now to honor God and I want the panelists to speak on that how are we using our lives right now and what is unique to singleness that maybe we could inspire others since we're all in this together you know what do you think sure I think pastor Matt you said in in the weekend message one of the gifts that we have as singles right now is time one of my favorite jokes that you tell is the what are you gonna do after this joke and the answer is whatever I want to and the idea that we have a blessing right now that other point in our lives we may not have in the same way this the blessing is time to focus solely on the Lord and I say this is to you and I kind of mentioned it in the introduction I'm talking about the idea of spending time focusing on the Lord and I have this perspective today of desiring to really spend the time that I have on preparing for whatever future God has for me but that is not always what I thought and much of my 20s I I took the time that I had and I wasted it I'm really trying to grasp four types of relationships that didn't please God being disillusioned by the fact that I hadn't met my wife yet and so I went and grabbed the parts of relationship that I could easily get to and so what I share with you today about the idea of preparing and using a singles using the time that we have been given to get ready not for the marriage that may or may not come not just for the career thing that may or may not happen but really to prepare for whatever future God has for us so that when the time comes that we are to step into that we can say yes and we we do have habits that support the type of healthy relationship that ultimately we want to do so my idea of what I have right now is time it's time to spend focused completely on Jesus not distracted and again this is something that Lord has brought me to even in the last six months of realizing man I must be ready if I want this blessing if I want to step into this in the future and it may or may not happen but what I know is good now is to be close to him what I know is worth it now is to be to be obedient to him and so the blessing that we have in my mind is time we have time to prepare time to focus in time to get ready for whatever future he has for us anybody else how about that vivy Diaz what are you doing with your life hey hey alright not speaking in this way but you know actually last week I came up on a year of working here at sandals Church really cool for me I kind of started working here while I was in my senior of college but just in this last week I have just been reflecting a lot even in preparing for tonight just because that was a decision and part of the decision process when I accepted the job of just I'm single that man working at a church I'm not rolling in the dough I'm not making paper I'm not doing all that you know and but I am so so so blessed that I get to devote all of my time all of my effort all of my energy to investing in the lives of youth to investing in seeing youth like junior highers high schoolers learn what it is to experience having a relationship with Christ and the power that that has to change their lives and that is something that I don't know you know if I was married if I had kids if I was just saying that season if I would have quickly had said yes to that where's right now man that is not something I take for granted and it might even just seem like a light hearted thing that oh where I'm at in my job but it is a big thing and that's something that I completely agree with Tim and just time and I feel like I am in such a season of learning that the time is now like we are preparing yes and that's the beauty of the gospel that we are attaining the fullness and presence of who God is right now but it is not fully fulfilled until Christ returns and so that is such a cool thing that right now yes we are preparing but we're also living in it and so man like I'm looking at not only just God changed my heart and now I'm looking for somebody to love me back no I'm looking at it as God changed my heart now what am I doing with that how am i loving the Lord my God with all of my heart with all my mind with all my strength with all of that and taking that very literally and just hey what I do with my life how I make an income who I spend my time with and that is seriously just such a blessing and and it's fun so you know I would definitely say that is just something I'm learning right now what does it look like to prepare but also that the time is now I know I am I I'm in the like I don't do everything right with my single life I struggle back and forth but I think one of the biggest desires of my heart is to be a mom one day and what the Lord has given me in this time is I have a young adult discipleship group of seven girls some of them are here I think yeah and they are the light of my life I love investing in them and I get to have one-to-one coffee dates with them we go on walks we go down the farmers markets you know there you are see you that's a blessing of time that I get as a single person and you know just just to give in the moments that we can even where we're discouraged even when it's a struggle I think that's one of the things you really should invest in is people because we have more time and you know Singles are busy too I think sometimes all my married friends are like you're not tired you're not a parent I'm like I get that you're up at late at night that's that's a whole new ballgame for me but I get tired I work hard okay uh-huh yeah but um but we do have time we do have time to invest in others and to invest in the church and to serve and that's something I'm really grateful for sometimes I think I'm gonna miss that you know if the Lord blesses me with a spouse one day I'm gonna I'm gonna miss that you know what do you think Andrew yeah I think in the past I've kind of got stuck in this idea that since since no one would want me or like there isn't a relationship happening that I don't have anything to give right if no one's trying to take something from me then I guess I just don't anything to give are not important and working through that and learning to own my struggles what I'm going through and be confident as a single person realizing it's not it's not about people taking from me it's about me giving to other people and it's not that people don't want things from me it's that I'm not willing to give them to them and getting on the other side of that and realizing that a lot of relationships even if you're not in a romantic relationship relationships and community are like a bank right you can only withdraw what you've invested and if you invest it accrues interest and then you get it back even better than you had invested and so being on the other side and just realizing investing this huge community that they're not taking from me I'm giving it to them seeing that they want it then pays off interest to me that I feel valued and community and loved so another question was how do we find joy and fulfillment in singleness when it sometimes feel like everyone promotes marriage as the end-all be-all shili do you have any thoughts on that put you on the spot yeah it took me a long time just to kind of come to grips with it there you know there's pros and cons of course I have a lot of married friends that aren't happy that it's it's not the end-all be-all and the fact that the your my purpose now is not to wait and long for something outside of the Lord's being and just in the in the center of the Lord's will that's when we're always the happiest and when we experience his joy the most and not putting a wish list and just I'll be happy when you give me this Lord because I'm happy with what I have and there's so many advantages of being single you know I don't have to go home and make the pot roast for the husband or whatever but but you know there's there's so many advantages that I think are overlooked but I do enjoy that if the Lord has a husband for me that's great I'm open to that but I'm not waiting for my life to start obviously I think I was in my 20s certainly but no I've I've come to this is my purpose I'm in the center of the Lord's will and I love it yeah anybody else have any thoughts on that I don't want to pass by anyone cool so honesty I really we really talked about this the other day like we don't want it to be this huge conversation about what is the struggle but we also want to be real that there is a struggle you know on our promotion for this event it's sometimes the blessing sometimes a challenge right I think pastor Matt was saying marry just the same way marry just sometimes a blessing well it's always a blessing as a single but it's hard and you can live in that tension sometimes and I think for me some of the struggle is loneliness and my loneliness comes from a fear of the future I'm like floored is this gonna be forever like I don't you know kind of like Danny said I don't want to get old and be by myself and I just I again I was convicted by the message that the Lord is always with me he's with me he lives inside of me and that just washed over my soul this morning I'm just I can't tell you how much that meant to me but what are something like good ways to communicate this struggles with your community to not be bitter and not struggle with bitterness because that's a temptation you know Lord why have you not done what I've asked you to do and you get angry and mad at people so how can we communicate that struggle and live in that kind of go into that deep yeah I would say for the first thing especially for those of you don't go to sandals is you need to talk to your pastor churches need to learn to communicate not just to married people I can't tell you how many sermons I listen to where every story is married it's all about kids that's just not the world that we live anymore the majority of people are single I know that when Tammy leads cultivate we try to hammer it that we don't just tell married stories we speak to singles we value singles we talk about singles don't you know so go to your pastor don't always talk about marriage talk about relationships your leadership needs to open up the conversation and to say hey this this is normal okay and even in biblical terms it's it's aspire it's inspiring living a single life is inspiring and you can do that so I would go to the top and make sure that they're on board that they support you I mean that the reality is that this event came of Maria coming to me and saying hey you know here's what I'm thinking or feeling what would that look like and all of a sudden boom you know here we are talking about this because I do care about them but but just know this just as hard as it is for you a single person to address this it's also awkward for married people to be like you know I'm gonna talk about being single I haven't been single I've been married longer than I was single so you know I it's hard for me to speak to that so we need to encourage one another at Sandals our vision is to be real it's to be real and I would encourage you to talk about how that feels as a single person what that looks like you know Jesus says don't worry about tomorrow for today has enough worry for itself that verse speaks to what Maria just shared don't worry about being a single forever because being single today it's enough stress for itself so get to today let me be with you today and oftentimes we're so focused on our future that we screw up our present and that's what happens and that's what makes you miserable lonely depressed I mean it just gets you down you start instagramming every married couple every married photo then you're watching Lifetime TV and you're crying and it's like it's done I have you stopped Lifetime TV I had to faff I gave it up for Lent from now until the end the end of time no more lifetime you still watch Hallmark though don't you know I had to die fast from that okay I see you notice how you know to be single right and one of the first things and the hardest things dude you guys know this walk in the church sitting by yourself going into a small group doing it by yourself that is the scariest thing to do to walk in a stranger's door and are they gonna like me are they gonna accept me is my breath gonna smell are they gonna say I'm not cold why are four people leaving as soon as I walk in the door I I get it that it's scary but you got to take the first step and if the first small group doesn't work try another one if that doesn't work try another one try another one we're all weird people there's going to be a weird small group you fit in because I'm gonna tell cuz I'm gonna tell you man when life gets tough when your relationship with your whatever breaks up when you lose your job when someone you find out has cancer it's your small group that you're Shadrach Meshach and Abednego that's gonna be in the fire with you that says you're loved you're valued and you're cared they're gonna walk through the gates of hell with a pail of water with you that's the kind of group you you need but you have to take the first step to make it happen so all you guys here man I'm just get that courage and if you're not in a small group it's from stage all the time please join a small group they will become your family that's thicker than blood yeah and I think I think communicating to your community is really important too and don't try to communicate like a solution try to communicate your personal experience so don't say oh I just like really need someone in my life say I'm feeling like I don't have a I'm no I'm not feeling valued I feeling like I need to process through some things I'm feeling these feelings and if you've invested in that community and you're a part of it that's it withdrawal to say hey you right here I need you to understand this feeling for me and let's figure out how we can solve that because you know I think a lot of people that are single have these feelings of feeling alone or feeling like oh I want to be wanted or I want to have a close relationship with someone and the solution is getting into relationship the solution is getting married when the solution might be your community your community can serve most of the things you get out of a romantic relationship but sometimes we just jump over that to try to get to what we think is a solution so good one thing I want to say to singles in the room oftentimes we look at couples and we're like everyone's dating with me so annoying or you know Oh another verse is getting married you know like that's not that's not okay we should be celebrating marriages and honoring our friends that are married we should be honoring them and serving them as well as married folks should be honoring and encouraging us but don't be the don't be the single people that are like married people don't do that like God honors both and I and I love what pastor Matt pastor Matt was saying that we're all getting married do you want to talk about that we have a good question for Shelly in a minute yeah a lot of people don't realize but revelation 22 ends with a wedding that's how the Bible ends it's a wedding so you're not going to be single forever you're not the bridegroom is coming and he's coming for his bride and we're all gonna be in that so you don't have to worry I'm gonna be I'm never gonna get married you are getting married and it's to God and it's forever and it's going to be awesome it's going to be incredible and unlike marriages on earth we're who sometimes we're still lonely or upset or ticked it's gonna be perfect it's gonna be a perfect relationship because we're gonna be whole we're gonna be complete and we're gonna be known the way that we want to be known like God's gonna know everything about us and still 100% completely love us it's gonna be a beautiful thing because even in marriage you can be really afraid to share how you're feeling what you thought what you've done what you want to do like I mean there's there's a lot of insecurities even in marriage but when heaven comes with Jesus it's it's gonna be perfect one other thing I would just say that two singles is a lot of times I hear singles say why don't be the third wheel well I think tricycles are cool so you know right they're a lot of fun so you know Tammy and I will go out on a date and we'll bring some you know one of our single friends or a couple of our single friends and we enjoy it it's a good time we like hanging out I was at your house what two nights ago and it was mostly single pre-party and it's me and you know my wife were the old people and we were having a good time you know hanging out having a good time and nobody was like do you need a cane or can you read the label you know it was really really nice everybody was really really cool and we had a good good time a little hipster house down you know I live in suburbs you know and so we were down there and it was a lot of fun so don't be afraid to say hey I'd love to go out to dinner with you guys sometimes I'd love to go to a movie with you sometimes you know Tami and I we just started like what Danny said is not every small group is awesome they're just not okay I've been in some that I couldn't wait to be over and I'm like in charge so just like this is done you know but you know we just started a new small group and it's two married couples and the first person we invited to our group was a single guy first person because I think that it's important I think that if it's all married couples it's dysfunctional and I think that if it's all singles for too long it's dysfunctional what we need to do is be a family and so we need to be there for each other and with each other and you know one of our closest single friends in the church I shared this with the church but I had to have face surgery a month ago our two months ago and Tammy I can't remember why but she couldn't drive me to the hospital it was literally an all-day thing and one of our single friends in the church picked me up drove me to the hospital waited for me for my surgery drove me home literally I'm like talking like a because I'm still on drugs didn't Facebook anything right her likes would have gone way up you know look at my pastor he's an idiot wow he really thought that was funny it's kind of hurtful but you know she she did that for me and it was great and and she's a part of our family and actually we were celebrating her birthday at your house Maria and and I and I look at her like a sister in Christ she's my sister and let me tell you singles why you need older guys in your life because we know when there's a bad dude right we can sniff it out we smell it that guy's no good and you need an older man in your life that says listen I love you and I want him to love you you need that perspective you need that wisdom and if we're not in your life we can't give it to you and and those are people to call you back to say look what you wanted to do was serve god this guy is not going to serve God or this gal is not going to serve God and you know love the Bible says rejoices whenever the truth wins out you want people in your life that love you enough to tell you the truth and most people don't have that relationship they don't have that think this is the golf clapping church it's okay that's what we do I just sunk a putt it was awesome that's so true we actually have to invite you two out in the lobby after this event you can sign up for a group or join a team right then in their community hey there you go so make sure you do that that has been one of my biggest blessings coming to this big sandals church about eight years ago now Wow I've been here for eight years joining a team was where I found the best community and got connected so join a team get in a group but before I move on to the next question topic someone wrote in to you Shelly and has a question how can us young single moms tell our story with confidence instead of shame well I think you know what what's your relationship with the Lord like if if you seek maybe if their shame involved with their would that shame go away when you got married then I wonder maybe what if there's any anything in your relationship with the Lord's but were there shamed there because uh I don't know that that would go away if you said I do because you're maybe it's a struggle with worth because I'm not worthy until I'm wearing that ring and I can say I'm a missus and I can use things in the conversation like oh my husband you know those kind of things but I you know you're you are worthy you you are worthy you've been called to be a mother I guess in this case and that's that's a huge struggle because our envious eyes see everything else that we want and that we don't have and we have to we have to know truth we have to trust in the Lord with all of our heart and I think that's that maybe is one of the biggest thing is is listening to the Lord in knowing your worth and not listening to culture yeah let me speak to that specifically just today at sandals Church today I was in the lobby and I had a young woman come up to me who couldn't get words out of her mouth so we waited and we waited tim was there and this is what she said she said I had unprotected sex with my boyfriend this week and I'm afraid I might be pregnant and I just listened she said I went to Planned Parenthood and they gave me a pill and she said today's the last day that I can take this pill to end the pregnancy let me say to all the single moms I thank God for your choice carry no shame whatsoever because you chose life carry carry your head high we don't fix sin with sin we fix sin through repentance and trusting God now here's the truth I don't know what that young lady's gonna do but this is what I told her I said listen sweetheart I said if you make this decision to take that pill you'll never forget it for the rest of your life that's what Planned Parenthood won't tell you I said I'm gonna love you no matter what you do and so is God but your decision will affect you for the rest of your life so I just want to commend our single moms I'm grateful and I want you to know this is deeply personal to me because my mom almost aborted me she was in a bad marriage at some point I hope to I have her permission to share this story at some point we're gonna do a series called dark thoughts and I'm gonna interview my mom because she thought about aborting me because that's what modern women get to do and I remember the first time she told me that and I'm not here to make you feel guilty if you've had an abortion look it was sin it was wrong we don't take life Jesus came to save lives but he came to save yours and his grace is real and he can forgive you but listen to me that's a big decision and so I'm grateful for our single parents I'm grateful for what you do and I can't imagine how hard it is I met another man outside five daughters five daughters single dad single dad why it's not just men who walk sometimes women get stressed out and leave and so I'm so grateful for our single parents who are here who are raising their kids you know Shelley's daughter's amazing just brilliant smart quick quick man she's just amazing amazing kid and children are blessing and so again never hang your head in shame when you did the right thing when you did the right thing so I just want to say that sorry that got a little heavy and little person all that no that was so encouraging I love that he said don't fix sin with sin because shame I mean dealing with that is Wow that's so good mic drop tweetable we should have had the Bell here you know yeah I'm noting every time Tim doesn't hit it so so it's transitioning to our next topic someone just added us that sandal shirt said so is there gonna be a sandal stretch dating app developed [Laughter] for the two of you only free coming follow Tony but I know faster Matt you have a lot to say about dating and sex and all that kind of thing for singles do you want to start with that with us on that start on this with dating or sex um like yeah you pick you think let's talk about sex hey yeah well okay so here's the problem with our society as our society says it's just sex the Bible says it's sacred so you have to make a decision about what you believe is the world Ryder is God right that's your choice what we preach here at sandals is God's thoughts that's what we preach here and he shares his thoughts with us through his word so you have to decide what is sex and I believe it's sacred it's a very very sacred thing it's something that I do with my body the Bible says that my body is the temple this is not a temple this is a building this can be torn down and it doesn't matter if you're torn down it breaks the heart of God God doesn't care about this building he cares about you God didn't die for this building he died for you he purchased you with his own blood you've been bought I shared with our church this weekend that one of Leonardo da Vinci's paintings sold two months ago for four hundred and fifty eight million dollars it's his painting of Jesus the paintings sold because of who painted it God painted you he painted you he wants to buy you back he wants to redeem you no matter what you've done those of you who've had failed sexually read the book of Hosea the book of Hosea is about the Prophet Hosea buying back his wife who sold herself voluntarily into prostitution the entire book is about God's love for you even if you've blown it God loves you and he wants to buy you back he wants to redeem you he wants you back man know it none of us are pure I hate when we use the word in church purity if you were pure you wouldn't need Jesus nobody's pure we can have sexual restraint but we're not going to be pure jesus said even if you look at a woman with lust in your eyes you've committed adultery with her in your heart we're all sunk we're all done so having said that here's what I would encourage you to do really really focus on man I don't want this to turn into a sermon I want to turn into it to a conversation I think that it's important that you connect emotionally and spiritually with the person those are the two things that are most important listen sex is parts I don't care what you read on the Internet parts or parts it works God invented it right yeah there you go see somebody its parts and our world right do bigger parts who cares who cares parts or parts listen to me if you're emotionally and spiritually in sync the parts will be great if you're not it's not going to be so focus on emotional and spiritual intimacy my wife and I spend 99% of our time emotionally connecting and spiritually walking together and 1% of it sex the world lies to you if you're a virgin you don't do it all night long if you do you're probably dead it doesn't work that way the world is not honest to you or with you about sex and this is why I shared on that deeper you've never say this I want to make love we don't make love we can have sex with our husband or our wife or you can have it with your boyfriend and girlfriend and sin but you make love by being loving by being kind by being gentle by taking out the trash how can I help you how can I serve you what can I do for you that's making love sex sex is sex in that way so you really got to make sure and so that's why I think a lot of times singles feel like you're kind of you know you're just missing it because you don't get to make love you do get to make love the Apostle Paul says this man that he has experienced love Jesus says this greater love has no one than this then he who lays down a life for a friend Jesus died a virgin and oh by the way the book of Revelation says virgins get a special prize it's in the Bible read it you gotta find it it's in there so it's not life isn't all about sex life is about following God so so try to find someone that you can emotionally connect with in spiritually connect with and let me tell you this ladies proverbs 31 is not written for you nobody knows that and you don't believe me something I'm offended I'm a part of Proverbs 31 ministries proverbs 31 begins with these words listen to me my son do not waste your life on women as many kings do proverbs 31 is written to guys here's what I want to challenge you the world says that you have to be in tracted that's the most important thing and it drives me crazy when singles like I'm Miller trapped it I just don't find him attractive that's because you find the devil attractive right oh he's so hot yeah put the flames of hell listen sorry yeah Thank You Danny go ahead God doesn't want you to not be attracted he wants to change what attracts you what are you drawn to and here's here's why many of you are miserable you're drawn to the wrong things you're like a bug to the buzzer that hurt what are we doing next weekend back at Vegas I don't know why this isn't working let God change what you're attracted to read through proverbs 31 it has nothing to do with sex you know what it has to do with companionship hardwork and character alright mic drop so good sorry I know but it's so good we need to hear what we need to hear it so we had a question come in that I thought was really good when it comes to the struggle of singleness when it comes to obvious sexual desires if one has fallen short in the past before fully living fully living the Christian life how do we get past the sexual desire since it's definitely harder if you've experienced in the past and she's seen a lot of people rush into marriage just because they don't want to fall into temptation so how do we manage that tension I'm gonna let Tim answer boom thank you Pastor I'll speak to the ladies after you okay the ladies I got you I'm really curious Tim it's in these moments that I say thank you trusted leader yes just so you know that's my cult name yeah Cole name yeah trusted leader if this ever goes off the rails and we all started saying trusted leader you know you just run just Cisco go to the Depot and hide just we're gonna fix this in okay well I you know my my story you know when I was nine years old I remember sitting on the couch with my parents and praying to ask Jesus to come into my heart and and being so afraid of going to hell and being so desirous of escaping that and the reality is is that much of my sin and much of my sexual sin that really had separated me from God came after I believed and for a lot of folks you know the story is you know I lived this lifestyle and then I came to faith and I walked away from everything and so this this question really resonates with me because my my entire life has been a I believe in Jesus and yet I'm choosing to follow my desire instead of him and so most of my twenties was was spent in and when I earlier reference like mishandling those years it was spent in chasing and going after sex I thought that I could take the sexual intimacy and remove that part from the emotional and the spiritual and I was so disillusioned and so frustrated that God had not brought me what I wanted that I said well then I'll take what I can and over time you know when you go somewhere for the very first time you plug in the coordinates so you're you know GPS or you know put it in two ways to find your quickest path there when you go there again you don't always have to use the direction app and for me the first time I went to sex it was easier to go back there again and again and so I think the path forward and I know the path forward for me has really been just choosing to obey and trusting that I'll feel like it later because when the desire is strong and you don't feel like obeying Jesus it becomes very hard to imagine I told Andy before we started this there were there were literally moments four years ago where I thought I would rather die then stop having sex I'd rather die then stop looking at porn I'd rather die then then say no to myself it was that it was that painful to think about and the decision to just stop and say Lord in spite of what I feel I will obey you and I'll trust it later I'll feel like doing this and the thing is is that it's hard to talk about these things in a room like this because this is all my business I don't have anything there's this is all I can tell you guys of my story up to this point and how grateful I am to the Lord that he rescued me from that and so if you find yourself frustrated that God hasn't done for you what you believe he should and you're your solution to that is to continue to run into the things that make that pain go away for a moment I know because of walking this road that it was the decision to keep choosing the sin that kept me from the thing I really wanted which was to feel close and fulfilled and satisfied in Jesus and I know that he promises to to do this for you I think that Maria just asked me a side question what are some practical ways that we can do it for me you know I needed my mind to be renewed and that happens through you mentioned this weekend meditating and studying Scripture and so I began to before I wanted to get up and read the Bible I would read the Bible before I wanted to confess every single time I failed I did and I didn't want to and it hurt and I was scared every single time but the more I chose to do those things before I felt like it I couldn't wait until I wanted to read the word to start reading the word I couldn't wait so I wanted to confess to my pastor before I confess to my pastor and so it's it I know it seems like it's you know just stop well there's a lot of things you can just start and in doing that the desires will change and I can promise that because the Lord has promised that yeah let me say this for Tim Tim and I are in a relationship of accountability and he does confess everything to me and you got to know his jobs at stake I mean it's a big deal for him we don't have in our Protestant Bible as a book called the Sirach but the Catholic Bible does and I believe it's in Chapter eight which is kind of another version of Proverbs it says always be courageous in your confessions always be courageous confession always takes great courage and man get an accountability with people that care about you that value your morality that value your spirituality most of your friends don't care whether you have sex or not they think they're weird if you don't find friends that care about you that value you and get those people in your life you know Tim's blessed because he saw he works for pastors we asked him every day how you doing buddy are you doing I've asked him do I need to fire you today what's going on I mean we're we have very very open in real conversations and and just know this you know sex is addictive look at our culture it does not satisfy and yet so many people are hooked to it it doesn't what you want is intimacy what you want is relationship that's what God wants for you and sex is a byproduct of that when it's safe and God decides what's safe God decides what's secure and he's created a thing called marriage for you to experience that in now it is a challenge because young people today don't want to get married most of them they just want to hook up that makes it more challenging than any previous generation because previously people that wanted to have sex had a drive for marriage nowadays marriage is irrelevant it doesn't matter and listen to me some of you are studying psychology every psychologist says it matters it's wrecking our country it's wrecking our country God knows the road map so anybody else want to comment on just some practical things that you can do for accountability because you know we all get a little sexually aroused and you know as a married person there's an avenue for that but but as single people is challenging yeah so I think as I've kind of gone through the process of sorting that out and trying to figure out like how to counteract this Bywater model how to deal with that how to get her to accountability and how to fight against that I've really had to examine what's actually going on right it's never just like oh I'm like feeling sexual it's always yeah with the shoulders it's always something else that's exactly that's exactly how it is right here sexual they're examining it and I think Matt just mentioned it figuring out what is actually going on I want to feel loved I want to feel control I want to feel no more stress I want to escape from the world those are all things that go into that to where that's not really the solution and those are all things like I've talked about before that you can get in community and so as I've been fighting against that being able to pick out oh I don't actually want this I want all these other things and that's the quick answer I'm gonna give up what I want for what I want now and that's something that as you identify those things being able to fill them in with community makes it so much easier to say oh I feel that I need this right now I'm not gonna jump over here I'm gonna text this person to hang out with them and get that from them one of the toughest things is once you've driven the Ferrari you can want to keep on driving it and you'll do everything you can to drive it again and again and again and again are we talking about cars I don't know we're talking about a bit more to help me but but here's a situation it's how we look for those of you're single they're dating it's how you look at your partner you got to remember guys that the person you're dating is a daughter of a risen king in Ephesians it talks about that the the marriage is as the church is how Christ is bringing to the father what the church looks like it's pure in its spot with no wrinkles so we think about this as you're dating when you're looking at your girlfriend she is the daughter of a risen Savior how you care for her how you love this is how you're gonna present her to the Father and you ladies man because you guys are a lot more horny these days and the guys are you really gotta start chat was gonna say that word I'm so glad you said it I I do pretty marriage counseling man and it's the Curt the guys are running away man it's the girls I don't know what it is but no it's the same thing look at them with a different set of eyes when you guys are looking at each other no longer as boyfriend and girlfriends but I don't want to get like you know but she's your sister brothers in Christ when you think about it that way how are you gonna care for them you want that relational intimacy not just the intimacy get to know them love them as Christ loved the church yeah amen I want to it's so true about women I I love our vision so much so I'm sitting on the panel here being real as ladies have sex drives like I feel yeah oh wow okay yeah hope you're married you go ahead get yours oh but I just I want you ladies to know who are trying to live a single life that honors the Lord I am in the trenches with you on this I am fighting and and I know it's like funny but I'm about to cry cuz it feels like my body is betraying myself like sometimes it's so like frustrating you know I'm like Lord I'm trying here and everything in me feels like this would be natural and that has caused me to sin and go into places that shouldn't with guys and you know the Lord forgives but practically girls we don't talk about that with each other like guys talk about it in the church and that's one thing that has helped me I've had to confess to my roommates that I hung out with the guy that I shouldn't and and we we messed around that we should you know I've had to confess to my friends that this is what's happened and you know in acts 3 it says that when we confess it leads to refreshment and that's true you know but I think girls I just want you to know we're sneaky slick little girl ooh but we don't talk about it we do not talk about it like guys it's like you go you know guys hold each other accountable and we need to do that too we need to to put our business in the light as you would say because that's when healing and refreshment comes but it's hard and I just want to say you can do it you can you can wait a long time you can do it okay let's do this Brad I kind of wanted to touch on that as well um you know we kind of circled up earlier this week and I was just sitting there like huh you know like when is your sex drive the highest and it is when you are 18 to 24 so any 18 through 24 year olds mad like it's going but I love Ferrari it's a Ferrari no but I love that Maria talked about that and I mean because ladies we know what we're doing I think just some like practical things you know when you first said what are some of those ways the immediate thought was take a lap run take a lap and not little I mean like when it the Bible talks about sexual sin it doesn't say think about it when you feel about it leave flee from it and that is not a joke and that's not just for men either that is for the ladies I think just some practical you guys might be sitting here like yeah yeah that's good but what does that actually look like have-have people that you will text or call or you know something where it's like hey this is where I'm at because here's the truth about sin sin wants to keep that hidden and when you do not reveal what is going on men you are giving that power so when you are saying it's impossible by not sharing that by not confessing it you are making that possible or you are making that impossible so I would definitely say like confess absolutely another thing to like just be smart I mean for a men and a woman it goes to say it goes without saying try not to be alone with people that maybe you are physically attracted to that might be one of those like will dub but why don't we do it we stay doing it and then we're like but I mean it just happened no it doesn't just happen the ladies in the room no it doesn't just happen let's go but I would just like to say that it absolutely is possible and you know earlier this week I was also saying when I was man early high school I had told a lot of my soccer teammates like you know this is where I'm at with God none of them are believers this is where I'm at with God I'm gonna try and wait til I get married and they laughed in my face because I used to be the one that used to instigate all of it but I mean years later Here I am and I'm doing the thing without doing the thing good [Applause] and we should celebrate that and preach marais I was just going to tell you there might be a book coming out called sex drive by who the trusted leader yeah and there will be a chapter called Danny Herrera and his Ferrari well I wanna we're gonna be about 10 or 15 minutes left but I want to get into some unique perspectives that people have asked questions about what is the role of a same-sex attracted person in the church is singleness my only option oh is this one for me thought somebody else was gonna answer it okay so the I saw this question come in and this light came in from a person and the very first thing that like younger Andrew would want to hear is you're loved I love you God loves you Santos Church loves you you are not alone in this it is a very unique kind of like behind the scenes struggle but you're awesome and I love you okay answering the question what is the role of a same-sex attracted person in the church the same as everyone else right that I like to communicate that I wake up every do the same thing that everyone else does deny what comes naturally to me right our role is the same we are to love and be loved we are to engage in community and receive from community all the things that everyone else participates in in church is our responsibility - yes sometimes it is unique and sometimes it looks a little different but we are called to the same thing and the second part of that question that came in was is singleness my only option if you were struggling with same-sex attraction is singleness your only option and my thought is to ask a question back to that that if the answer is yes does that change a relationship with God I think that God has called us to obedience and for me obedience means that I'm single and that's fine and for me not that oh I'm just single now that Oh quo I may be single forever and that's fine like I've had to come to grips with that in obedience that I will be single and Tim said something really great to me just before this kind of processing through that being obedient to God you can't I wanna make sure I read it right you can't determine your obedience today on what may happen in the future right is that is that the same idea yeah so this idea that I can't say oh um I'm I'm like not gonna be obedient today because like maybe maybe in the future it's not gonna be a thing and then the next day okay I'm gonna be I'm gonna be obedient today because like maybe God will like deliver me in the future that yes that's eventually gonna happen but I think Matt said it really really well a couple weeks ago that we tend to sit and we ask out a question and then immediately answer it ourselves right that we're like oh like will I will I be single forever speak to me God oh yeah I'm gonna be single forever thank you for speaking that word to me I just you know spoke that to myself and so God has said things right God has told us that we are loved and we are unique and those are the things that answers that I go to and then a whole nother perspective on that is is singleness my only option no it's not your only option because it's not your only thing you are not one thing you are not single you are a slew of other things that God says you are loved you are I love the king you are a like blessed child you hear there are so many other things as you go through the Bible it tells you what you are you are not one thing you will not be single you will be Andrew you will be Matt you will be whoever you are that is a part of who you are not who you are yeah and again you guys sex is a small part of who you are it's very very it's a category it's not the entire package it's just it's just not and so the world has told you that it is and the Bible says that's that's just not true sex will not last forever but you will you will so I encourage you to make your decisions on eternity and aren't we blessed as the church have Andrea let's give Andrew began I just love him so much he is just so brave I mean everybody up here is brave but especially Andrew you know I've just asked him hey come talk about it and just so you know if you're visiting sandals Church this this is just what we do we just we just talk about things we believe that the church should be the most real place on earth and so I love this place and we love you yeah so we amen another unique topic the topic of divorce we have a question well someone tweeted us and said I've gone through a divorce during my childhood I have gone through my grandparents divorce as a middle schooler I'm currently going through a third divorce as a high schooler and I have broken up with my first boyfriend how should a relationship be can we speak to the effects of divorce and answered that question and then talk to people who might be divorced in the room who are struggling with that as well this is a tough one because you guys always hear the kids are resilient they're gonna bounce back they're gonna be okay I'm gonna leave because they're gonna be all right my sons are 27 and 30 years old been divorced now for 17 years that residual is still there we serve an amazing king that forgives us but pastor matt said it so brilliantly a couple days ago he says even though we're forgiving and we're clean we still have those scars and every time I see my signs I know I failed them as a father and it's tough it really is man it is I wish I can go back and change things but I can't but you know what man every single chance I get I gotta let my son's know how much I love them how much I'm gonna be there for them and for the person with a question man it's it's tough you got to hold on to Christ because he truly is the only answer in that situation and for those of you guys who are a divorced man God has forgiven you he truly truly has he's got it's got an amazing plan for you 29 Jeremiah 29:11 that's what I held on for ever and still my life verse it's a plan of hope you got to hold on to that hope yeah I would tell the person that I think she completely has permission based upon her life experience to believe that there's no such thing as love I would encourage her to pursue an experience with Christ there's a great book out by CS Lewis it's called the great divorce has nothing to do with marriage but it has to do with the divorce that occurs at Eternity when you say no to God for the last time God loves you and love is real the Bible says true love never fails never fails and God will never fail you and so I would encourage this person not to look to people for what love is but to look to God for what love is because it is only seen in him and so many people judge God based upon their experience we need the judge God based upon his word because his promises are real and my heart breaks I know many of you divorce tears Souls Jesus said what God has joined together let no man tear apart that's the words of Jesus the reason God hates divorce is because it hurts everyone having said that there are times as a church where we recommend divorce because some marriages are so toxic that someone needs to be safe but for the most part it's it's it should not be an option because of what it does to young people it Jayde's them you know think of what that does to a kid when their look I could think to weeks ago I preached on true love demands security it demands it and so that's why marriage is so important that's why you can't just love that's why the piece of paper matters it's called a covenant and you stand before God you stand before your family and you say we're gonna love each other we're gonna love each other think about this - today I got a text message from Johnny and Kelly Tillery they had a son today and he sent me a little picture of Scotty and he said I can't believe I'm a dad and then I prayed with a girl out there today he's got a pill in her purse thinking about killing a kid you see there's a difference between secure love and a boyfriend a boyfriend wants you to take the pill a husband celebrates a child that's what a man does and I just want to encourage you guys trust God trust God think about the only difference is they both had sex the difference is one is married and one wasn't and for one the solution is death the other solution is celebration look what God has done look at Scotty and I showed that picture to my kids I don't know if we're gonna get to see that girl's picture if she's pregnant I don't know so marriage matters it matters it's important and find a spouse if that's the path that values marriage the way God does Hebrews 13 says give honor to marriage and those who don't will be judged God honors marriage so I know it's tough but listen to me being single is not nearly as tough as standing before the Almighty God that's tough that's tough everybody on earth thinks God's a grandpa and he's just now you're just having fun God's not your grandpa he's your father and he's gonna speak to you about the way that you live and just know that that little girl that's been wounded that way if her parents don't repent they're gonna stand before God because she's not theirs she's his she's his well um we're gonna have closing thoughts I want to open it up make sure you guys can encourage and say what you if there's something you wanted to say before we close up just really quick yeah sure so I think that there's this idea for me personally that if I could achieve a relationship that somehow like life would be better it was something that if I can enter the relationship and I achieve the status of like in a relationship change my facebook I'm like that's it I have like I've won I've achieved the status and I think that once I got into relationship I realized how selfish and backwards that is I realized this isn't actually what I wanted I just wanted to check a box off and achieve something and as I process through that I've realized that that that's something that you have to receive from God right you have to change your direction of what you're trying to achieve achieve good things for him achieve forwarding the church achieve a better relationship with your community and then receive from God what that looks like because we will experience that community and that love it's part of the relationship with God but he allows us to receive it in different ways and so even though I don't think that I will be in a romantic relationship I can still receive those things in a different way without having to achieve something that is the though way to get it good anything else good there's there's two things I really wanted to say to encourage you all out there one when you are are wanting to get married and you're dating or you're you know especially if you're young and you're like in the struggle I hear a lot of young people criticize like young girls criticize all the guys like there are no good guys out there like where are they you know that's just that's not true we have our brothers in Christ and we want to serve them with grace and we want to lift them up and pray for them and edify them and the same for guys I think that it's worth saying that amazing women here in the church that love the Lord who are beautiful who you know are therefore you know used to interact with as well and that's not true that there are no good girls there either so I think we should give each other grace and be careful to criticize let's lift up instead and then for the single people out there who are discouraged one of my favorite quotes that I've heard but one of my heroes of the faith that says let not our longing slay the appetite of our living rather we should this is my version of it we should let our living slay the appetite of our longing we slay all day okay so let not our longing slay the appetite that goes over in my head over and over again because I do live in attention am i long for this but what I have learned in living for God is that my long and has pointed my heart towards him in the hope that doesn't disappoint me and I need people to remind me of that and I want to remind other people of that so I hope that is encouraging to you if you are working through that tension as well pastor Matt would you do you have any closing thoughts before you pray to close this you talk too much well would you pray for us out there's ton of things we could talk about find someone talk about it we would love to talk about it I know we didn't get to talk about dating too much don't don't settle but also give grace and don't look for perfect yeah and don't forget about your single friends when you get into a dating relationship heyo what would you propose good would you pray and bless the people in the room who have showed up tonight yeah thank you so much for coming I'm so glad you guys are here and again those of you joining us from other churches please take this conversation and begin having it at your church because every church is full of single people that's just the reality of our culture and we need to love value and honor them and the church needs to speak to them and not just the married people that's my heart so let's bow our head so during this series we're doing a thing called a blessing if you don't know what that is it's basically me speaking positive words through the power of God's Spirit over you and if you would like to receive this blessing just raise your hands we're doing is through this whole series called the good life so let me just pray this over you Heavenly Father I pray over every person here tonight god I pray a spiritual blessing first of all give them a blessed purpose bless them with meaning bless them with focus god bless them with life long loving relationships that point them to you that inspire them to serve you and teach you about your love for them Lord bless them with friends Lord bless them with family small groups churches or bless them with service meaningful service put people in their lives specifically that they can love father if they're longing is to be married bless them with patience bless them with trust bless them Lord with just perspective and help them to trust your timeline and help them to trust you in all things Lord bless them financially bless them with health and bless them Lord with all the love that you have for them we pray this in Jesus name Amen we love you thank you for coming [Applause]

Channel: Sandals Church

Views: 17,002

Rating: 4.8485804 out of 5

Keywords: sandals church, pastor matt brown, singles, singleness, how to be happy and single, how to be single and not alone, lony, christian church

Id: H5IJm2t0PDc

Length: 77min 46sec (4666 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 08 2018