r/CursedComments - Funny Posts V30

i like those odds the lottery gives you a one in 200 million chance you won't go to work tomorrow alcohol gives you one in five and jumping in front of a train makes it a one in one a boy likes you but your crush doesn't like you girls your crush doesn't like you but another girl likes you boys a doughnut has a hole and a frog has a mouth my lesbian neighbors asked what i wanted for my birthday they gave me a rolex i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch my parents asked me what i wanted for my 10th birthday i said i wanna watch so they let me after 38 years i'm still in therapy she loves me she loves me not she loves me she loves me not well the flower certainly loves him that ain't a petal african kid sees white guy thinks he's a ghost plot twist the kid knows the history of colonialism if you are sleeping send me your dreams if you are laughing send me your smile if you are eating send me a bite if you are drinking send me a sip if you are crying send me your tears i love you i'm on the toilet please advise if you're pooping i'll squeeze you like a near empty toothpaste tube my heart has four chambers one for each wife lmao my basement has six we ask 18 year olds to make huge decisions about their career and financial future when a month ago they had to ask to go to the bathroom just give them a pee bottle good training for a warehouse job at amazon if you added in my ass to the title of the last song you listened to what would it be boys from oklahoma in my ass are my college years elaborate how do i properly get rid of the life-size shrek's doll i bought a 1 000 plus shrek's doll which weighs almost 100 pounds and has a metal skeleton and silicone outside it's like 5'3 and looks very realistic anyone have an answer on how to dispose of this thing by myself quietly and without anyone seeing me thanks does it not break apart into pieces at all i'd imagine throwing it out would be a lot easier if it could go part by part it said it was a shrek's doll you're thinking of a real human frick phone wars wide can or high can hi because it fits in my ass better why because i like a challenge a brain for you scarecrow and for you to man a heart and two you lion i give you the gift of courage how come i don't get a new organ check again frick yeah wait where is dorothy you think those organs came out of thin air no no no i said slay the dragon not lay the dragon papa that dragon looks like it wants round two i'd be okay with that she's pretty and fertile good combination what the frick what's the best way to assert dominance now you take your d out and just slap it on the table like you are dropping a heavy log for everyone to see world war ii pilot flies again need any help up there bob yes in which direction is japan the biggest tea on myself is that as a kid i hated cartoons and one day at daycare i was being a beach because spongebob was on and the teacher said fine we'll watch the news and i was like fine whatever anyways that's the story of how it's my fault we all saw the second plane hit on 9 11 are you ready aye osama i can't hear you boom at this point i'm not sure if i need a hug 10 energy drinks a therapist six months of sleep or two get hit by a car i got hit by a car last week it didn't kill me now i'm just in a lot of pain maybe next time the last thing you ate is what you have to name him pubic hair in the shower drain why do men live less than women meanwhile men he is trying to mate are you eating healthy yes today i made aged organic milk tossed over seasoned tomato puree spread on baked whole wheat wow let me see what the frick i haven't been checking if the kids i was eating was healthy but sure i will eat healthy kids me the sniper is just around the corner don't peek my team mates abraham lincoln was not sniped he got no scope at point blank range though a new invasive species of hornet has been spotted across north america the asian magumbo hornet ao guga gaga i need mommy milk seek help me gets a boner my girlfriend who did you just get a boner can't you control that thing me you do not command it you are simply its humble guide but this is a funeral this is only as dark as you make it hey kid scream until daddy stops omg i thought it said cream not scream sit and driver pulls gun on another car shooting at the man loses control after hitting a semi goes into oncoming traffic and is played by another semi don't bring a gun to a truck fight china taiwan tensions experts say world war three may happen online kim jong-un is now playing rocket league z jinping now playing play gink had me in the first half please don't buy any fireworks they really scare me by hookers you can bang them too the cleanup when they explode is quite a mess though this is a bug on land this is a bug underwater shrimps lobsters clams crabs and oysters are not food they are bugs underwater bugs bottom feeders and scavengers not food i eat ass on the first date you ain't scaring me away from my goddamn shrimp food is food i don't know why it's such a divisive topic some people like raw testicles whatever this is my favorite place in the world why just wait just a father and son getting blown together wholesome i spent 50 hours in prison my dad has been doing this challenge for the last 28 years what a bunch of amateurs pain is when your vibrator dies at the worst time get a man those die too cashier at taco shop i hope all this food isn't just for you me it's for my family whom i've also eaten making tea in a microwave wow americans have walk in microwaves yeah it's called florida when you fart and your pants feel heavier when you fart and feel the tapeworm desperately trying to get back in the attitudes of women and fish toward me are too varied and complex to be accurately described on a hat they both reject my shrek shield offerings when you take a fak nap and think you missed the bus but it's 4 30 and you're 24. when you realize minions can be used as bud plugs how i thought serial killers would look like as a kid how i actually look like relatable wait what my parents had a tv like this i remember because i was a remote yes aim just like any other remote when i didn't work they would beat me [Music] necrophilia think of the smartest person you know what is the dumbest thing they've ever done my dad is a software engineer and pretty smart when my twin and i were about seven he was the only one home with us when he started coughing up blood except he didn't tell anyone and decided to just wait for my mom to get home instead of getting someone else to look after us and going to the hospital my mom was so pissed when she got home and he casually mentioned the coughing up blood thing turned out he had bronchopneumonia and had to spend a couple weeks in the hospital even had to have his heart stopped and started again he almost died because he decided coughing up blood wasn't an emergency even had to have his heart stopped and started again he truly was a software guy i heard the shrek shall moans of my neighbor's girlfriend earlier so in my best mortal combat voice i yelled finish her they laughed twenty minutes later i heard him yell round two fight you know she's gonna get weird when he hears him scream fatality mobility my mom sometimes stares at my tea when i'm walking by she even tried to grab it once and she cornered me and tried to see if i was into her like imagine if the roles were reversed with a dad and daughter what the frick bro are that shiz ain't normal what the frick did i just read play time is over [Music] i use this all the time at the daycare it really helps with clean up although i hate taking it out to the garbage it keeps on screaming for some reason self driving their cds will be programmed to sacrifice pedestrians to save the driver mercedes gets around the moral issues of self-driving cars by deciding that of course drivers are more important than anyone else heavy scanning good decision i mean if they can't afford a mercedes what's the point of their life anyway if it takes 200 mosquitoes to take the blood out of an average human finger it takes about 1 000 to unerect the average bean can't complain at least you'll get sucked me says a joke the popular guy repeats it out loud my crush omg that's so funny the popular guy points at me he said it first my crush for no reason suddenly it's not funny at all bruh fricker you're friends with the king frick her dad to assert dominance if you happy and you know it suck my d suck suck if you happy and you know it frick my ass clap clap cucumbers are now sold like this we all know the reasons i buy whole ones for my daughter i like the taste robert downey senior filmmaker actor and father of robert downey jr dead at 85 isn't rdj working on a documentary about his father i remember hearing him talk about it on this marvelous podcast i guess we all know how it ends dude spoilers real downey ben 10 inches hammered backwards is hammered no it's do map do maddy fit in your mouth dies harry time to find out it was an impulse purchase it doesn't matter if it was an impulse it's still going to taste good to prove that people argue over anything here's a glass of water quick hide it before the african kids get here if you can smoke weed and still run faster than anyone else you should get two gold medals i'm on probation yeah cause you didn't run fast enough the first person to respond is gay but if no one responds in 30 minutes then everyone is gay gay bomb i like d's in my ass what the frick if you were to fench mertz for one day what would you do first bang his hot ass daughter ha ha why does she look like my mom wait to prove that anyone will argue about anything here's an orange anything can be lemonade if you try hard enough my d right now i'm in danger lab analysis of subway tuna sandwiches fails to identify tuna dna where do you think all the aborted babies from planned parenthood go how the red eye orb was created top 10 forbidden flashlights what was the last thing someone said to you before they died is that a knife frick zodiac signs when did brits leave you alone 4th july 15th august 31st may 1st july 23rd july month is remaking the british empire toy advertised as kids friendly in taiwan sings polish rap about okay in poland less than 10 grams means kids friendly ah your bulls slopped out a woman has been busted for trying to smuggle her lover out of prison in a suitcase how did they get this pick they either made him get back in or told him not to move i don't know which is funnier what is in the bagness just my shrek's toys [Music] 50 year old ash going to catch kids at the park yes i watch incest anime because family comes first keep the good jeans in the family as my uncle used to say funny enough that's what makes the bad jeans come out that didn't stop my uncle hey man we used to play back in the halo 3 and reach days my gamer tag was servitron and i'm name lock sorry jason died of a heart attack four years ago and his younger brother wanna play it's enough to make a grown man cry did you at least play halo with him and give him a heart attack too hasn't that family suffered enough a woman in the u.s was left this couch in a will buys this couch at her estate sale after her tragic unexplained death and notices there's one more teddy bear than there used to be if game of thrones had a kindergarten prequel parents ask amazon to change name of alex a speaker after kids with same name get bullied karen and alex are going to drop off on the names charts hard amazon can change the name to a dolph that one has been unused for some time now the call of the void why you feel the urge to jump off a cliff i know someone who did a study on this sadly he only did one test this toilet can react to heat from your butt someone's chestnuts are all sting three playful boys having their fun for cameraman 2 is commemorating it someone put red laser eyes on the gandhi statue in san francisco when you notice a child hit marrying age it's gas not oil i would be careful assuming it's just gas i ruined a good pair of pants that way all the reasons that cats are superior to dogs written illustrated by a human also they won't say where the drugs are hidden strip club djs what do you have to tell us watching a stripper insert a butt plug because she had diarrhea and she was up next i'd imagine if the pressure builds enough it would be like a champagne cork popping quite the she's show stop saying i wish and start saying i will i will my parents still loved me make a wolf foundation encouraging suicide since 2021 i wish i had the courage no i have i'm strong i can do it i will fourteen-year-old white girls on their way to cancel enjoy after seeing swastikas there yes exactly people don't understand the difference between hindu and azzy i am so pissed off for being mistaken as a hindu all the time leaf with a high crunch potential 20 year old me my child's name was leaf and it is safe to say his skull was crunchy there are 14 billion legs in the world and i just wanna be between yours bro everyone don't have two legs blow my mind ham if you watch jaws backwards it would be a very heartwarming story about a shark giving legs and arms to disabled people it's also a very sad film about how bad they have it to be out in the open with still bleeding arms and legs when your d touches the inside of a public toilet brave of you two think mighty reaches to that level all you need is will power and a knife do you put socks on shoe or sock shoe sock shoe shoe shoe sock sock i wear my socks on the outside so my shoes don't get dirty what i want in my girlfriend is a girl girl alive optional one is also optional my sleep paralysis demon waiting for me to stop looking at memes and fall asleep frickers always on that phone leaves phone drags demon unzips pants dinners gonna be delicious how do you get them to stay in the pan mine always run out gun teacher class it's time to finger paint again the class mrs paint wait mrs paint indicates that she is married a ring doesn't plug a hole jesus christ loading screens be like as an engineer your buildings are like your children hit them to make them work harder tried this and it worked pretty well elinda 10 the world's largest aircraft is a hybrid airship designed and built by british manufacturer hybrid air vehicles psy puts phone in left hand we all are just m ms we may have different color on the outside but in the inside we are all the same chocolate so you're saying that humans are tasty yes if your momma's phone number was how rich you are how much money would you have i would have eight hundred million two hundred and seventy three thousand and eight thousand two hundred and fifty five dollars pick up the phone that's the suicide hotline oh you come out as lesbian to your catholic parents they become angry and blame your friends they transfer you to a catholic school it's an all-girls school op hid his peen from parents the whole time checkmate me thinking we're still in april freaking july how do you freak a month if flying cars existed 9 11 would now be 24 7. big dogs small dogs they are both delicious teens what do you think jesus favorite gun would be this is america i guess the mail gun random stuff i do during class for no reason [Music] why his nose so damn long he lied what is the best loophole that you've ever found my brother once yelled last one to jump in the pool is gay and then jumped into the pool however i figured out that if i did not jump in then technically he will be the last one in the pool and he is still gate to this day you can still get into the pool but just don't jump true but then you have to make sure you don't jump while you're in the pool as well unless you are gay last one to jump into the pool is gay i shout as i sprinted and leapt into the shimmering waters of the pool yeah i'm just an everyday jokester like that after emerging from the pool i ineffectively wiped water from my face with my hands and looked giddily at my brother following a just to lengthy moment of silence my brother walked to the concrete steps on the other side of the pool and took deliberate steps down and into the water geez man it was just a joke i told him his face had an indescribable emotion on it his face was barely even there he turned around and took slow strides to the stairs and exited the pool he toweled off put clothes on and left he was different since that day on family vacations he would only take the stairs into the pool while at swim class he would claim he's only comfortable using the ladder even though that was never true before at water parks he refused to go down slides or into the wave pool i confronted him one day alex you're my brother i pleaded you know i'm just an everyday professional prankster pro like that i didn't meant it though and even if you are gay it's okay man i just want my brother back you used to love swimming cannonballing and flopping in with me what happened bro not even pleading from the bottom of my heart was enough to change the damage i had done or resonate with the brother i once knew alex left without a word it wouldn't be until many years have passed that i would see my brother again i had to endure my teenage years knowing i was the reason that caused him to run away too wherever he did i went through a lot of questioning and self-reflection in high school and college where i met my husband we started as friends and he was there for me while i figured out how to live with my actions we got closer and things remained unspoken until they just kind of blew up it's funny how love works things were never easy in our lives coming up in one of the most class stagnant periods of time where whether disease disaster depression or doom would strike we'd at least have each other we saved up four years and years and made a plan to live our dream that when we are 67 we'd have enough money to spend the rest of our days on a cruise ship we made our dream come true our first day of liberation from daily life we made sweet sweet love on every surface of our room and the ship unshowered unfiltered sausage mudslinging the most primal fornification you've ever seen post coitus my husband and i walked to the deck railing and watched the pink orange sunset he lit a cigarette and looked deep into my eyes i have to tell you something bro he told me of course honey but what's wrong you never call me bro i responded i'm your brother alex i've undergone vast surgery of both my brain and body so neither my personality nor appearance would be recognizable to you i've been in love with you since being in the womb with you with liver happy fulfilling shrekzy life brother he takes one last puff of his cigarette before flicking it into the ocean last one into the pool is gay he said as he jumped into the ocean i followed him in and held him as we sank what the hell did i just read like the video and subscribe right now and watch my previous tank memes videos [Music] thanks

Channel: Clumsy

Views: 214,012

Keywords: memes, dank doodle memes, best memes, dank memes, memes compilation, dank memes compilation, best memes compilation, clean memes, ddm, tik tok memes, memes clean, reddit memes, pewdiepie memes, family friendly memes, funny memes

Id: uunOzNb4Ozk

Length: 22min 7sec (1327 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 10 2021