RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE] JIMMY KIMMEL: [INAUDIBLE]. It's great to have you here. RAY ROMANO: Oh, we're both
going to be disappointed. JIMMY KIMMEL:
[LAUGHS] Did you know this is the third time
you've been on this show on my birthday? RAY ROMANO: I
apologize for that. It's a horrible gift for-- JIMMY KIMMEL: It's a nice gift.
[INAUDIBLE] RAY ROMANO: Kennedy--
Kennedy got Marilyn Monroe-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Mm-hmm RAY ROMANO: --and you get me. Yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: You're like
a hairy version of Marilyn. RAY ROMANO: Well, happy-- [CHUCKLES] happy birthday.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Well-- RAY ROMANO: Yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: --you
gave me advice, I think, last-- on
my 50th birthday, you gave me some advice. How-- what should I expect? What's going on? RAY ROMANO: You should--
well, you're 52 now, right? JIMMY KIMMEL: I'm 52 now, yeah.
RAY ROMANO: So you-- aren't things happening? Things must be happening. JIMMY KIMMEL: Things are-- or, more not happening
than happening. RAY ROMANO: Yes, yeah.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. [APPLAUSE] It's more of a decline
rather than a-- RAY ROMANO: It's a
little of both, really. It's a little of both. Because I get, like-- yes, I
know what you're talking about. Doesn't happen. But then things happen more. I get-- I get bruises now. I don't know what I did, but I-- [LAUGHTER] You know, like a mystery bruise. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah.
RAY ROMANO: They-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes. RAY ROMANO: It freaks me
out, 'cause it's either I'm bruising, you know,
naturally, or I'm forgetting the injury that happened-- [LAUGHTER] I do-- you're probably
not at this stage yet, but I keep a bruise journal. That's what I do. [INAUDIBLE] If you hit, you write
down, and then-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh. RAY ROMANO: --two
days from now, OK. You match it up. JIMMY KIMMEL: You monitor
yourself like that. RAY ROMANO: Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: It's
very thorough. RAY ROMANO: I don't know. It's weird. It's either that or-- this
could be a possibility. In my sleep, my
wife is punching me. My wife is punching me. Yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: That's
entirely possible. RAY ROMANO: Totally possible.
[CHEERING] JIMMY KIMMEL: Are you-- RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE] JIMMY KIMMEL: Are you getting
wiser or just more bruisable? RAY ROMANO: Well,
I can't get dumber. I don't think I can get dumber. I'm quite dumb. I'm-- for the amount
of success I've had-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Mm-hmm. RAY ROMANO: --matching
with my intelligence, it's like a degree of
difficulty, like, in a dive, you know?
JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh. RAY ROMANO: The
degree of difficulty. JIMMY KIMMEL: You beat
the curve in a big way. RAY ROMANO: Yes. I try to read more, you know. JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh, OK. RAY ROMANO: People give me-- a lot of people giving
me, like, self-help books. I got-- I got the Shonda
Rhimes one, the "Year of Yes." JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, yeah, right.
RAY ROMANO: OK? JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah,
she was here-- RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE]-- JIMMY KIMMEL: --and she
promoted that, yeah. RAY ROMANO: --very helpful.
I read that. It was helpful
until my other buddy gave me "The power of No." Yes. I'm right where I started. I'm right-- I'm back
where I started. I need the, like-- I need, like, the
miracle of maybe. Maybe-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Right.
RAY ROMANO: Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: Something
nice right in the middle. RAY ROMANO: We'll
see what happens. JIMMY KIMMEL: You're still
not on social media, right? RAY ROMANO: I am not.
JIMMY KIMMEL: How do you-- RAY ROMANO: No.
JIMMY KIMMEL: I mean, like-- RAY ROMANO: I don't have a--
I don't have a talk show. I don't-- I mean, I know
you kind of have to. It comes with the this, but--
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. RAY ROMANO: I don't--
I just-- JIMMY KIMMEL: You don't do it.
You don't-- RAY ROMANO: I just
feel people are so concerned-- how many followers? It's just not healthy. You know what? Jesus had 12 followers. He did OK. He did fine. JIMMY KIMMEL: That's debatable. RAY ROMANO: Yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: Are you
doing stand-up right now? RAY ROMANO: I do a little bit. You know, I did a special-- Netflix special
last February, so-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Right,
that was great, yeah. RAY ROMANO: Yes. [CHEERING] Thank you. And I loved doing it. But the downside of it,
for me, is you kind of have to retire that material. JIMMY KIMMEL: Right.
It's done, yeah. RAY ROMANO: Yes. You don't have to,
but you really should. JIMMY KIMMEL: You should, yeah. RAY ROMANO: So I don't
do enough stand-up now to generate new material. You know, it's very--
it comes so slowly. But what happened-- and
I know a lot of people come up and say, true story.
True story. I'm telling you, this
is what happened. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. RAY ROMANO: And it
was two nights ago. In my dream, I wrote a joke. I wrote a joke. Like, I made a-- something happened, and I
made a comedic observation in the dream. JIMMY KIMMEL: Mm-hmm. RAY ROMANO: You know, it
wasn't-- when you wake up, you find out, well, it's
not really that good. But I thought it was good. But here's what
happened in my dream. And the only reason
I'm telling you is because it actually happened. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. RAY ROMANO: A guy was talking
to me, and he said a sentence. And he got halfway
through the sentence, and then he got
call-- distracted. He had to leave. And the part he got
up to was, he said, and then I had to
borrow his anal-- and then he had to leave, OK? And so in my dream,
I thought to myself, if you just heard the
beginning of that sentence-- and then I had to borrow his-- and you made a top 10
list of the worst words you could put after that--
JIMMY KIMMEL: Uh-huh. Yeah. RAY ROMANO: --anal would
be in that top ten. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah.
Well, yeah, sure. Probably top five even. Did you work out any
of the other ones? RAY ROMANO: No, I'm trying
to see now, is this a thing? I almost feel guilty
making it because I feel like I didn't write it. I mean, I did write
it, but it was the guy in the dream who wrote it. I don't have anything to
follow it except, first of all, if there is a
sentence like that-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Mm-hmm. RAY ROMANO: --borrowed
is a weird word. JIMMY KIMMEL: Mm-hmm. RAY ROMANO: Because
if it's the-- if you're borrowing something
anal, it's just like, you know what?
Keep it. Keep it. I don't want it back. [INAUDIBLE] Again, I'm only telling
you because it happened. I wrote it in my [INAUDIBLE]-- JIMMY KIMMEL: That has happened
to me many, many times. RAY ROMANO: Serious? JIMMY KIMMEL: And I keep
a notepad next to my bed. And I swear to God,
75% of the time, I cannot read what I wrote down.
RAY ROMANO: Yes. Or-- JIMMY KIMMEL: It's
just nonsense. RAY ROMANO: Or it's not as
funny as you thought it was. JIMMY KIMMEL: It's never funny--
RAY ROMANO: Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: --or
incomprehensible. One of the two. How is your family doing? RAY ROMANO: Family's good.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. RAY ROMANO: I got-- you know, one of
the boys works here. JIMMY KIMMEL: That's right.
Yeah, your-- RAY ROMANO: Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: --son
Matt works here, yeah. RAY ROMANO: Yes. And he's one of the twins. They're out of the house.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Mm-hmm. RAY ROMANO: The only
one left in the house-- I have four kids-- is my
youngest, my 19-year-old. And he's-- [CHUCKLES] I don't
know how to describe this kid. I really don't. I can't tell-- I can't tell if he's, like, the
dumbest kid in the world, or-- I'm only saying that 'cause
he might be the deepest. I don't know. All I know is he says
things that I don't quite know how to react to. He-- like, the other day,
he went to some party. And he came home at 6:00 AM, OK? So I hear him. So I get up. I go in the hallway. I go Joe, you're
coming home at 6:00 AM? And he doesn't say anything. He just-- he keeps
walking in his bedroom. And he looks, and
he goes, for now. And I'm like, huh? I swear to God, blew my mind. Because I started
thinking, he's right. Time has no meaning. And I fell in like
a rabbit hole. I went-- I went
into the bedroom, and my wife said, you
find out where he was? And I'm like, where
are any of us? Are we here? I don't even know if I'm here. I hate that [INAUDIBLE].
JIMMY KIMMEL: [INAUDIBLE]. Ray Romano is here. We'll be right back. RAY ROMANO: If
they can prove it, they're just going
to want names-- I mean, accomplices. That's all. You give them a couple
of names, you go home. Keep your job. What do you think about that?
Would you do that? ROBERT DE NIRO: No. RAY ROMANO: Would
you give them names? ROBERT DE NIRO: No. No names. RAY ROMANO: You
know, I don't, uh-- I don't care whether
you did it or not. That makes no difference to me.
ROBERT DE NIRO: Yeah, I know. RAY ROMANO: I'm here
to defend you, right? ROBERT DE NIRO: Right. What do you want? You want to know
if I did it or not? RAY ROMANO: No. ROBERT DE NIRO: [CHUCKLES] JIMMY KIMMEL: There's Ray Romano
and Robert De Niro together-- alone together in a room in
"The Irishman," which is-- it's in the movies right now,
and then it goes to Netflix-- RAY ROMANO: Sure. JIMMY KIMMEL: --at
the end of the month. RAY ROMANO: Yes, it does. JIMMY KIMMEL: And
you are fantastic-- RAY ROMANO: Ahh.
JIMMY KIMMEL: --in this movie. And I know [INAUDIBLE]-- [CHEERING] I know that-- RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE] JIMMY KIMMEL: I
know that you take no pleasure from any of this. RAY ROMANO: It's like,
I hate myself so much. JIMMY KIMMEL: Well,
that's ridiculous. RAY ROMANO: My father
never hugged me, and I can't enjoy anything. JIMMY KIMMEL: Well,
he would hug you right now if he saw this movie. And you have a big
part in the movie? RAY ROMANO: Not a huge part.
JIMMY KIMMEL: A pretty big part. RAY ROMANO: I mean, I'm in--
you know, I'm in a lot of scenes because I play the lawyer.
I play the-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. RAY ROMANO: --the
teamster lawyer. So I'm there when he's at court. I'm there when he's here. You know, I'm kind of
just there, you know? Yeah.
But that's-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah.
RAY ROMANO: I mean, that scene-- JIMMY KIMMEL: This is--
I mean, you're-- this is it. This is the peak, being
in a Martin Scorsese movie and with-- RAY ROMANO: I don't
know how it happened. JIMMY KIMMEL: --Robert
De Niro and Al Pacino. There's nothing
better than that. RAY ROMANO: I don't
know how it happened. I'm still-- I still think
they can edit me out. I still think-- [LAUGHTER] JIMMY KIMMEL: I think you're in.
RAY ROMANO: By the way-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes. RAY ROMANO: --if you're
going to watch it on Netflix, I'm going--
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. RAY ROMANO: Can I plug
a little other thing? JIMMY KIMMEL: Sure. RAY ROMANO: Another little
movie I made with Mark Duplass last year that's on Netflix. And it kind of gets
lost in the shuffle. But it's a great
little movie, too. Yeah.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. RAY ROMANO: Paddleton.
Paddleton is the-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Yep. RAY ROMANO: --name
of [INAUDIBLE].. JIMMY KIMMEL: You're a
very good actor, Ray. I know--
RAY ROMANO: Ahh. JIMMY KIMMEL: --you don't
like admitting that, but it is absolutely true. So [INAUDIBLE]-- [CHEERING] Now, we've established
that you're a great actor. What we're going to test now
is how great a father you are. RAY ROMANO: Oh, wow. JIMMY KIMMEL: Because Ray's
son, Matt, works here. RAY ROMANO: That's
acting, too, isn't it? JIMMY KIMMEL: He's
been working-- RAY ROMANO: Isn't
that acting, too? [INAUDIBLE]
JIMMY KIMMEL: Partly. RAY ROMANO: Yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: Your son's been
working here for how long? Do you know? RAY ROMANO: Five, six years?
JIMMY KIMMEL: Six years-- RAY ROMANO: Yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: --he's
been working here. RAY ROMANO: Yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: And I
feel, at this point, like maybe we know him
better than you do, OK? RAY ROMANO: Well, he's moved
out of the house, so yes. JIMMY KIMMEL: He did
move out of the house. And we see him a lot here. There he is. You remember that
guy right there? MATT ROMANO: Hey, dad. JIMMY KIMMEL: He wears
that shirt every day. [CHEERING] Now, he's wearing that
shirt because we're-- Ray, I have a blindfold for you. So there's your blindfold.
RAY ROMANO: Ah, what's the game? What are we doing? JIMMY KIMMEL: Put the
blindfold on, and-- RAY ROMANO: Yeah. JIMMY KIMMEL: --I'm going to
bring out four other people who also work on the show. And your job will be to
try to see if you can pick Matt out just by feeling. Out of five people, OK? RAY ROMANO: There's
going to be five? JIMMY KIMMEL: Five, yeah. All right. RAY ROMANO: This is-- you know, in today's
day and age-- JIMMY KIMMEL: Don't worry.
You don't work here. RAY ROMANO: Have they
signed waivers and stuff? JIMMY KIMMEL: Everybody
knows what they're into. So put that on, and we'll
bring everybody out. RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE] JIMMY KIMMEL: I
don't [INAUDIBLE] see them beforehand.
All right. Bring the guys out. RAY ROMANO: Yeah, I'm
doing it backwards I think. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, OK.
RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE] JIMMY KIMMEL: All right. They're all guys, so
don't worry about that. RAY ROMANO: They
are all men, OK. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK.
All right. Now, I'm going to
walk over here. RAY ROMANO: I don't
want to cheat. JIMMY KIMMEL: I'm
ahead of you now, Ray. So Ray, stand up. Stand up. All right. RAY ROMANO: Oh, [INAUDIBLE]
this is some punk. You're going to-- you're not
going to dunk me in a bucket of something, right? JIMMY KIMMEL:
Nothing-- no, nothing-- RAY ROMANO: Oh, oh. JIMMY KIMMEL: Nothing
terrible is going to happen. OK. Son number one, step
in front of Ray. RAY ROMANO: Oh,
are we right here? Is this how we're doing it? JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah, he's
right in front of you. Just feel him. RAY ROMANO: All right. I have permission
to [INAUDIBLE].. You know what?
Here's what we'll do. Keep it safe. First, I'm going to go by smell. I'm just going to go by smell. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK. That's smart. [CHEERING] RAY ROMANO: Now,
should I make my-- JIMMY KIMMEL: No,
don't guess yet. RAY ROMANO: Should
I just [INAUDIBLE]---- JIMMY KIMMEL: Let's
bring in number two. RAY ROMANO: --or not?
OK, that's number one. JIMMY KIMMEL: Number
two, step over here. RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE] JIMMY KIMMEL: Number
one, you step back there. Yes.
RAY ROMANO: Can I-- JIMMY KIMMEL: [INAUDIBLE]
RAY ROMANO: Can I lift them? JIMMY KIMMEL: No, no--
RAY ROMANO: Can I lift them? JIMMY KIMMEL: Please
do not lift them. We don't--
RAY ROMANO: No. JIMMY KIMMEL: --want
you or them to get hurt. And your blindfold is
totally upside down. RAY ROMANO: You
want me to fix it? I'll turn around.
JIMMY KIMMEL: No, it's OK. It doesn't matter.
RAY ROMANO: No. JIMMY KIMMEL: As long as you
can't see, it doesn't matter. RAY ROMANO: I don't
like to cheat. I don't want to cheat. JIMMY KIMMEL: [INAUDIBLE]
RAY ROMANO: Oh, you're right. You're right.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, there we go. Yes.
RAY ROMANO: You were right. You were right.
JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, there we go. All right. Uh-huh, OK. RAY ROMANO: I do know
one thing about my son. JIMMY KIMMEL: What? RAY ROMANO: He never
cleans his ears. [LAUGHTER] JIMMY KIMMEL: All right. RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE] JIMMY KIMMEL: All
right, number two, step to the end of the line. Number three, step forward. This is number three. RAY ROMANO: When I would--
when I used to kiss my son, he would, like, you
know, pull back. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yeah. RAY ROMANO: I'm not
going to do that. JIMMY KIMMEL: OK, yeah.
[INAUDIBLE]-- [LAUGHTER] Good? You get enough? RAY ROMANO: Mm! OK. JIMMY KIMMEL: Number
four, please-- RAY ROMANO: [INAUDIBLE]--
JIMMY KIMMEL: Step forward. RAY ROMANO: How many more? JIMMY KIMMEL: There's two more. This is number four. RAY ROMANO: Oh! Move over. JIMMY KIMMEL: And
finally, number five. Number five. [LAUGHTER] RAY ROMANO: What is this? [INAUDIBLE] All right.
All right, go. JIMMY KIMMEL: Number five,
you stay right there. All right. Ray, what number is your son? RAY ROMANO: Oh, [BLEEP]. I'm going to go-- I should have done the height
thing right from the beginning. Might be four. JIMMY KIMMEL: Number
four, you say? Remove your blindfold,
and it is number four! [CHEERING] All right. "The Irishman" is
in select theaters. It premieres on
Netflix November 27th. Ray Romano, and his
sons, everybody.
