r/AmITheA**Hole For Holding My Brother's Past Against Him?

g'day there guys aimlessly wandering through life confused and scared back again with another episode of Oz / mi the a-hole now with that said I want you to sit back relax and enjoy today's episode posted by the Jews our throw it away titled am I the a-hole for not caring if my brother has changed and feels badly about how he treated me growing up I'm 19 male my brother is 21 and is my only sibling I realized I was gay from a young age and came out at 14 my parents were supportive from the get-go but my brother was absolutely not he tried telling me I wasn't old that I was just trying to get attention and trying to get me to change my mind when that failed he called me a freak diseased said I was going to hell even though we aren't that religious and made it clear that he didn't want a relationship with me he added me at school my friends already knew and tried to get others to join in but no one really cared and nothing much changed needless to say I vowed to limit contact with him as much as possible but the comments continued until he moved out when he turned 18 for school I've since gotten into a great school and have completed a year and a half I'm in a relationship my grades are the best they've ever been and everything seems to has fallen nicely into place my brother sent me a message on Facebook back in August he started by apologizing for how he treated me saying he was depressed before and was stuck inside his urn head / fell into the wrong crowd online that reinforced his bitterness towards others he said he'd gotten treatment for his depression feels more confident too than he has in years and was on the upswing and wanted to meet up to repair a relationship he said he was proud of me for being gay and supported me and apologized for taking so long to make it known I didn't respond nor did I respond to his happy birthday message into September then he started texting me saying he understands if I'm still hurt but that he'd love nothing more than to make up for the hurt he caused I haven't responded to these either he is where my boyfriend says I'm the a-hole over the holidays we were all back at my parents house I had a great time seeing my fam we accept him each time he'd ask about me or try to talk to me I'd give him one worded answers or clam up he offered to get a game for me as a gift but I declined he pulled me aside to apologize face to face reiterating the stuff he said before but I also cut that short and walked away meanwhile I talked with my parents like normal and was very open with him about the happenings of my life typically within earshot of him the day we left I said my goodbyes and found him by my car crying he said he understands why I'm closed off to him and that he regrets how it turned out wished me well and went inside I told my boyfriend about this when I got back and he's ticked and called me an a-hole boyfriend says it's clear my brother feels badly about how he used to be and he's changed and that to throw that all back in his face is a dick move my parents agree and say he's a good person but ultimately feel it's up to us personally I've gotten so used to the idea of not having a brother that I don't know if there's anything left to salvage he made his choice to sabotage me then is it really my problem he regrets his actions now am I the a-hall edits so my boyfriend just texted me and said that how I handled this thing has him questioning things and that he thinks we should take a step back for a while so that's cool no one's an a-hole here but I think you're cutting your nose off to spite your face your brother is putting in the effort to seek you out honestly apologize and admit that he was wrong and rebuild your relationship you're right in that he's not entitled to your forgiveness but later in life it's possible you could bitterly regret rejecting this olive branch I'm just so mad at him I just want to tell him he can take that branch and shove it why don't you say something like while I appreciate your apology and understand your desire to make amends I am still angry about the trauma I experienced at your hands and I am NOT interested in having a relationship with you right now if you want to make amends consider donating money or time to an organization that fights homophobia each time I talk to him I clam up and can't do more than a few words you can write him a letter or send him a text if it's too difficult to express yourself in person these are good points Oh P it sounds like you would both benefit from a relationship therapist even though they usually work with couples they know how to help with family relationships as well it's okay to still feel angry even though your brother is changed and tried to make amends but I also agree with the commenter who says you were cutting off your nose to spite your face you are denying yourself a potentially rewarding relationship and healing experience with your brother and based on your edits your inflexible anger has given your significant other pause that said you shouldn't have to just bottle up your feelings you deserve to express your anger in a constructive way and have it validated there's not much chance for this to resolve itself otherwise if it's within your means and inclination coulson therapists that specialize in relationships and ask them hypothetical questions about how they would advise someone in a situation similar to yours then choose the one that seems like the best fit and ask your brother to go with you this is a trauma response and it's normal regardless of whether or not you decide to accept your brother's apology you need to work through this with a therapist who is queer friendly right now you can't move forward from your memories of the pain he caused and forcing a relationship with him isn't going to fix that either will your parents help pay for therapy if the cost is an issue OB didn't respond to that one unfortunately I'm gonna be your ghost of Christmas future similar situation forty-nine male gay with a straight brother two years older but the relationship breakdowns are completely different aren't they always there without going into details because it would be too long of a discussion I'll just reveal what your future might look like I've not talked to my brother in over 20 years now I've got college-age nephews that I've never even met we live in different parts of the country from each other and our parents my parents are always upset about the situation which just causes distance with them so I don't have to deal with their guilt and pain it also isn't something I discuss with my husband either so he just stays out of it is this the future that you really once I used to really hate it when I was a kid and was told that I'd feel different about things as in adults but the reality is it's true the person you're angry with that hurt you is gone and that probably just causes even more anger others have already said that holding on to that pain is a poison and I think that's also true I don't think you're being an a-hole just kind of mean probably because it now feels good and justified because of what happens I'm sorry for what you went through and is still going through you didn't do anything to deserve it I'd sound like a hypocrite for giving you any real advice this post has really stirred up a lot of emotions and reflection for me looking back I'm not proud of myself I'll just say that I think you've been given a gift though an opportunity to get your real brother back who you've not really met yet I wish you luck and I hope that you can heal God who thinks I could be a killer motivational speaker like come on I'm just I'm channeling those vibes we need a ynt option for you need therapy I agree even though that would be the ranking for a good third of these threads no a holes here at this points he's outgrown being an a-hole be glad for that progress whether or not you want him in your life but you'll always have a brother it's a question of whether you interact with or acknowledge him you guys are young now but someday you'll be older your parents will be gone and the only person who will share the good and bad memories of growing up and your family will be your brother so maybe think some more on whether you really want him out of your life forever thank you I guess I have some thinking to do but I don't even know what it starts you're a student so there probably is a free or low-cost Counseling Center open to you maybe go talk it out with an impartial outside professional in the meantime I'd suggest sending your brother something brief and honest like I appreciate your apology I'm not ready to talk now and I do not want to make promises about the future but I'm glad to know you're changed for the better updates am I the a-hole for ignoring my brother and not caring he's changed since bullying me while we were younger sir it's been a few months since my first post and since a few people were asking I thought I owed you guys and updates I would have provided one sooner but this is a throwaway and I had logged out earlier the fact I remembered the password is itself a miracle the TLDR of the last post was I had ignored my brother's attempts to have a relationship with me after the homophobic crap he threw at me when we were younger I'm glad to say that's no longer the case a little while after my last post I texted him that I really appreciated his words but that his actions had really hurt me and that I needed time he texted back he understood and to take as much time as I needed he also thanked me for reaching back out to him I spent a lot of January and February in self-reflection and trying to figure out what I wanted lots of people in the last post said I needed therapy and I agree I likely did I never ended up seeing a professional but I got really into some guided meditation and calming exercises I saw in the YouTube making a habit of it's helped me realize how much weight I was carrying and has helped me start to let that weight down I still have some ways to Gary but I can feel my empathy growing and I like that I went to him for spring break and saw my brother for the first time since Christmas long story short we spent a lot of time hanging out and our relationship is recovering we've had some hard conversations cried shared a couple joints etc and I came away from the break feeling much better about everything and since each of our schools have closed down due to the pandemic we're both at home and doing our classes remotely and hanging out on the downtime I want to thank those of you who said I'd probably regret cutting him off because I can tell you you were right my brother isn't perfect and did many things to purposely hurt me but people can change if they want to and he did I wouldn't want to be judged by my lowest points and I'm working on not judging him by his I finally have my brother back and forgiving him has helped me feel better in many ways I didn't realize I needed Thank You TLDR forgiveness is a hell of a drug edits holy once I step away from this to do homework for a couple of hours and y'all gave me awards thank you so much to answer some common questions no my boyfriend from the Opie and I are no longer together but for separate reasons unrelated to the original post we just wanted different things and were different stages about lives but it was a parting with a minimal hard feelings I don't consider his reaction to be manipulative it wasn't a hard do this or we're through why my brother did it there's no one reason he was in a dark place and dealing with a lot of issues in a bad way he was ignorant about a lot of LGBT stuff and relied on that ignorant when it came to me it took a while and going off to college slash meeting new people for him to begin questioning a lot he believed and since getting help for his unresolved issues it was a step-by-step process until he saw how wrong he was he said he didn't even realize what he was doing was hurtful a lot of the time because he was sir in his own head and had some really bad influences on the Internet's reinforcing his mindsets I can understand that and I love how far he's come why didn't our parents intervene even though they always had my back they did a lot of the time but most of what he said / didn't wasn't in their presence and I was not one to go running to them each time I was the victim of something they are good people and I hold no animosity towards what they might have done instead I'm thinking about showing my brother this and this previous thread so he has a better of understanding of how I felt about this and may update later on how that goes also I just want to say to the others out there who feel they have been repeatedly wronged by someone to the point they want to cut them off that I know exactly how you feel but the fact is people can change if they want to and even if they do you're under no obligation to welcome them back in your life but if you can find it in your hearts I'd strongly encourage you to give them a fair shot at doing sir people do screwed-up things sometimes many times or for many years before they realize it and feel remorse we are all only human forgiveness is never an easy thing to give away and especially when coupled with trauma I'm so glad to hear this Opie you're strong and amazing and we love that for you forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace which is great in some scenarios maybe I have a chip on my shoulder but I've got two people that will never have my forgiveness I've given them many things over the years and that's the one thing I'm keeping for myself you don't have to forgive them but it's healthy to let go of the anger I have some people I'll never forgive of letting go of the anger was a huge relief I still struggle not being angry at my ex but even as a work-in-progress I feel so much better like a mountain fell off my shoulders posted by user almighty Rockwood titled am i the a-hole for yelling at my late father's fiancee so this literally just happened and I'm still steaming I was doing my taxes last night and I open up the link that takes me to the page to describe to me how to do my late father's taxes it was last night and I don't have his most recent w-2 so I figured I'd text will call her P tomorrow to ask if she received it from his work so I text her this morning and she tells me that my sister is already aware that and she's already done the taxes okay that's cool but I asked her to clarify if she means their normal taxes he died in July or if she did his end-of-life taxes she tells me not to worry and that it's all been taken care of my sister is already aware so I respond with I don't care what my sister is aware of she's not the representative of the estate it's my duty to get those taxes done and distribute whatever returns he received equally my sister and I she doesn't text back and getting frustrated I call her she regurgitates the same BS for the text messages and tells me it's all been taken care of my sister already knows bla bla bla I asked her to clarify what she means by taken care of she tells me she hired an accountant to get it all done and that I don't have to worry I asked her if there was a return and she won't directly answer me I asked her to send me the 104 oh and she tells me not to worry it's all been handled I lost my crap I started yelling at her and saying that you are his fiancee I'm the representative I could face legal consequences if things weren't done or done correctly and so the fact that you and my sister did this behind my back and didn't tell me is really concerning not only that but you're not telling me if there was a return and if you kept it I will seek legal action to ensure that money goes to his surviving children she hung up somewhere in between I don't know when and she isn't answering my texts am I in the right here Redditt or did I go too far edits my sister isn't speaking to me it seems like there's a plot behind my back to keep the money that doesn't belong to them they're going to hear from me very freaking soon edit 1 P already father taxes and received the refunds holy hell added to there is no power of attorney and I hold the documents that names me the sole representative of his estate I honestly have no idea how she was even able to file a return but she isn't speaking to me now once my sister calls me and I find out her ends I'm going to text P and let her know that if she doesn't work with me I'll be contacting a lawyer to contact her for me edit 3 sorry mods didn't mean to curse about the fiance and or my sister I got little passionates there edit for last update before I do an update post later nobody is currently talking to me and that's fine I'm pressing forward with an attorney in my area and to my going to hash it out I'm going to do my due diligence as my father's representative and filed his taxes once that happens my lawyer and I will contact the IRS and we'll watch them lay in the bed they made thanks to everybody for all the helpful advice and comments read it really is something else not the a-hole I would have lost my crap too she has no standing in his estate call your sister for the info not the a-hole maybe post on our slash legal advice as a question about how to you're the fiance and what if anything it means that the sister already did the taxes I suspect that any tax filing your sister did would be considered worthless possibly even fraudulent you should be able to just file the return yourself if the IRS or state dor gives you a hard time just explain that the other return was not filed by a person with authority to do so and that yours is the real one also if your sister did file she may have gotten a refund that money belongs to the estate so if sister or fiance took that money they're guilty of embezzling from the estate you need to assert yourself on this make it absolutely clear that you and only you will be handling estate business and that anyone who interferes with that will be answering to a judge this there is no doubts there's fraud going on the only real question is if fiancee is committing the fraud herself or if this sister is a part of the conspiracy get a lawyer involved and act quickly I agree they're idiots if they truly thought that this was going to happen without my knowledge they seemed not to understand just how much authority you have here and the world of hurt they're going to be in if they try to undermine you I was the executive for my parents estate and one of my brothers was a total a-hole through the whole process he was living in our parents house paying no rent and standing in the way of the sale but at the same time complaining that I wasn't moving fast enough and generally that I was doing everything wrong he eventually filed to have me removed as executor we went to court each told our side not only did he not get me removed but he also got a move-out date from the judge yep he got himself evicted by getting in my way your case is so terrible that not only am I just missing it with prejudice I'm also evicting you now get out of my courtroom this is the equivalent of them filing your dad's taxes while he was still alive not telling him and stealing his refund the IRS will be very unhappy about this what I find ironically said is the reason why they didn't get married sooner rather than later they weren't able to marry before he passed was that her ex-husband is on the hook with something for the IRS care to guess care to take a guess on what it is exactly tax fraud however we all thoughts my dad included that it was 100 percent the ex-husband as she didn't know how to do any of that seems kind of freaking fishy as she apparently knows how to do it now not the a-hole and it's illegal for them to have access to his finances at all if you were the one solely in control of his estate you need to call your attorney and the IRS he already filed the taxes and received the refunds holy Frick loya time how did she receive the refund when my mom died and I did her estate I needed her death certificates and to court documents naming me the executor of the estate's before I could move forward that's interesting I didn't know that yeah once you're in probate for the estate there are a lot of rules that you have to follow the bank accounts and assets that are in the name become frozen I even had a hard time paying the mortgage on a house because I had to have it approved by the court to use that money IRS normally don't deposit money in an account if the names don't match since my mom's accounts were frozen due to the probate they had to send a check and I had to use my paperwork to properly deposit it into the estate's that's strange because if that's true then it would have been impossible for her to file the taxes in the first place I am the sole executor of the will got the document to prove it and all she would have had is a death certificate if asked there's no way she could have proven to be an executor unless she lied or said that she was his wife what the f is happening she must have forged the documents in Canada we have to submit official documents with the will to prove that you are the representative the IRS will be very interested in this because forgery shows clear intent for the fraud yeah if she was able to file the taxes at all then she would have had to lie about it not the a-hole so what I have learned going through your history your sister is a huge spender and the fiance got a house from you that was your dad's so my thought is see ran out of money fiancee wants more and more so why not work together and brother gets the short ends not excited but excited for the update they spelt excited really weirdly I was originally going to keep the house and sell it but I didn't want to uproot her and her two kids since she made my dad extremely happy never seen him smile so much I figured it was a good bet to just give her the house about three weeks ago my sister flew down to Florida to get the remainder of his stuff it was on a Thursday she said she couldn't afford it even with a 250,000 dollar payout from my father's life insurance yeah it seems very fishy but the short end they think I'm going to get is going to look much longer than the stick the IRS is going to give them I will post updates probably won't be for a week or two though all right someone did it you're the a-hole it's great you're the a-hole if your sister knows ask her what the hell is up why did you go off on this woman who lost her fiance and then he goes through the edits honestly it just seems like you care more about a tax return in pocketing 600 bucks for yourself than anything else you sound so petty and pathetic I really just feel sorry for you and your family for having to put up with you there I guess they're not anymore oh Jesus you do realize that if they fraudulently did his taxes that I could be held legally accountable by the IRS right and the moderator removed their comments updates am I the a-hole for yelling at my late father's fiancee against the advice of others I continued to text P and my sister my sister was m.i.a and not responding at all while P was simply giving me one-word answers or not responding either I dropped the bomb on P where I said something along the following if you did his taxes then that will be fraud the IRS will know about it as soon as I refile his taxes and I won't be able to stop what will happen please just tell me what is going on something like that sir she finally texts me back this two page text message where she informs me that her attorney has advised her not to speak to me about the return again she said she felt threatened and who's going take the steps needed to protect herself I was mad and a little peeved but I stopped texting her as I began preparations for talking to my own attorney and getting things handled a small part of me thought that I needed to have my ducks in a row before going that far so I grabbed all the documentation I had from My Father I called a buddy who has a lawyer friend thankfully she was in the same room and he hashed it out turns out I'm actually not the legal representative you see I had a document that I thought made me the representative of the estates but what the document actually was is a summary of administration basically I had legal control over his bank accounts and other assets to distributes I thought that made me the representative but it didn't sir like a good adults I texted P the next day and apologized for my outburst as I'm not the legal representative and since there wasn't one everything she would have done with the CPA would have been completely legal and okay she laughed and said everything is fine I'm still mad because I feel like a jerk I was basically left on red for a whole weekend when nobody was telling me what happened or didn't happen so all I could do was assume the worst oh and during the entire time my sister wasn't texting me it's because she blocked my number I asked my mom about her and she said that as soon as she saw my message asking me about the taxes she blocked my number I received half of my father's return just last night it was more than my return it's probably why they didn't tell me about it and why she blocked me so yeah that's the updates a lot of miscommunication / no communication and people doing things for my late father without letting me know not the a-hole you didn't know you watch the admin you just presumed you were served high-five for being vigilant it sounds like your sister was determined to leave you out of it entirely got busted and blocked you to keep from being held accountable for her involvement at least you have some humility and apologize to P for how you acted I hope you update when you finally talk to your sister I agree I repeat sister was probably trying to get away with keeping all the money that's literally the first thing I did my buddies friends the girl in my update looked at the summary of administration I texted her and apologized for yelling and getting upset she never apologized for being quiet dismissive and for not talking to me about what was done but that's neither here nor there don't beat yourself up they were acting Shady thanks it isn't like I was looking for something like this to happen I thought I was the Rep sir it would have been my business to know then my sister just has to up and block me on the phone without any sort of communication I literally had nothing else to do but assume something shady was going on I feel like she thought she was doing something wrong and got caught if she knew she did nothing wrong why block you why not communicate my real source of confusion was say I was representative and say she and P fraudulently did my father's taxes did she think blocking me on the phone would make it go away the best example I've ever experienced of the head-in-the-sand analogy her blocking you was a way for her to avoid hearing anything about it I doubt she thought it was going to stop you from doing anything not the a whole situation would have been sorted out if either of those two idiots could have answered it's clear your sister tried to steal from you they're right if someone would have just talked to me it would have been figured out and done in five minutes I think they did it behind my back for a reason of course they did they were trying to claim all the money for themselves and hoping you wouldn't find out your family seems terrible it was a terrible experience all around sister lost the will and didn't want to deal with all that was happening or lose her job I lost mine June to being in Florida for so long so she left his mother left four days before he even died they all wanted to know what was going to happen to his stuff other family didn't even bother to show up his mother even took me off of the will that she had with my grandfather so all the property and things he wanted me to have where it'd go to me anymore nobody talks to me now except anybody on my mother's side they were divorced when all I did was exactly what my father would have wanted coming up on a year since he passed and I'm still catching flack and feeling miserable hugs I'm so sorry I feel it in the fields some people in the thread want to harp on my inherent mistake that I apologized for others do the hugs I like the hugs g'day there guys outro marking here hope you enjoyed the episode as much as I enjoyed making it today if you did be sure to LIKE comment and subscribe tell me what you thought about it down below also if you like memes be sure to head on over to my second channel marque - it should be one of the sexiest rallyin faces on screen the one without the flag it's my latest and greatest creation and I hope you like it all sir I'd like to give a huge shout out to my channel members and patreon subscribers you guys do so much good for me and the support goes without saying but I'm gonna say it anyway I love you guys and I appreciate all the help and support you provide me on this channel also if you want to join the family links it down in the description below or click that join button next to the subscribe button anyway guys I hope you enjoyed that one today I'll see you in the next one bye

Channel: Markee

Views: 27,824

Rating: 4.9310346 out of 5

Keywords: aita, amitheasshole, r/aita, r/amitheasshole, aita reddit, markee, markee reddit, markee aita, markee amitheasshole

Id: GX_eHibO03s

Length: 29min 55sec (1795 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 01 2020