♪♪ ♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. YOU KNOW WHO I WANT TO TALK TO,
MR. JON BATISTE. HEY, JON. HOW ARE YOU? >> Jon: I'M GOOD. I'M GOOD. I'M JAMMING OVER HERE. >> Stephen: YOU EVER GET A
SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD AND NOTHING WILL DO OTHER THAN
HEARING THAT SONG OVER AND OVER AGAIN? >> Jon: OH, YES, IT'S A GOOD
FEELING ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S A GOOD SONG. >> Stephen: I HAVE RECENTLY
REDISCOVERED, BECAUSE I WAS A HUGE FAN WHEN A YOUNG BOY OF SLY
AND THE FAMILY STONE, AND I'M GETTING MUSIC DRUNK ON HIM RIGHT
NOW. IF YOU WANT ME TO STAY --
>> Jon: HEY, YEAH! ♪ IF YOU WANT ME TO STAY ♪
♪ I WILL BE AROUND TODAY ♪ ♪ TO BE AVAILABLE FOR YOU TO
SEE ♪ >> Stephen: UNBELIEVABLE. SO INCREDIBLE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: YOU SEE HOW YOU DO THAT RUN --
♪ I'M ABOUT TO GO ♪ ♪ AND THEN YOU WILL KNOW ♪
♪ TO STAY HERE ♪ ♪ I GOT TO BE ME ♪
> >
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS! MY DAD PLAYED ME THAT RECORD
WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I LISTENED TO IT SO MANY TIMES I
KNOW EVERY NOTE. IT'S INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT? >> Stephen: YEAH. THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT COVERS
OUT THERE. PRINCE DID A COVER OF IT WITH
THE NEW POWER GENERATION. >> Jon: WHERE WAS THAT? >> Stephen: I GOT IT ONLINE
BECAUSE I WENT DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE. IT MAY ONLY BE LIVE. >> Jon: THE BASELINE --
( HUMMING BASELINE ) >> Stephen: LARRY GRAHAM. >> Jon: YEAH, BABY. >> Stephen: JON, CAN YOU PLAY
US OUT WITH A LITTLE BIT OF THAT RHYTHM FROM THAT SONG? >> Jon: YEAH... ♪♪♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND THE FAMILY STONE, EVERYBODY. >> Stephen: FOLKS,
YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME FELLING FOR YOU THE MOST
TOPICAL SPRUCE, WILLOW, AND MAPLE STORIES, LOVINGLY
BUTTERFLYING AND HAND-SHAVING THEM, THEN CAREFULLY DAMPENING,
STEAMING AND MOULDING THE WOOD TO THE SHOULDERS AND C-BOUT,
CARVING OUT THE FINE F-HOLES, BEFORE DELICATELY GLUING IN THE
SOUND POST, FINGERBOARD, AND HAND-CARVED SCROLL AND TUNING
PEGS, THEN TREATING IT ALL WITH AN EGG TEMPERA VARNISH AND
CREMONESE RESIN TO CREATE FOR YOU THE GLORIOUS STRADIVARIUS
VIOLIN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I GRAB A SPLINTERED POOL CUE I TOOK AS A SOUVENIR DURING A
BACKWOODS ROADHOUSE ROBBERY, SCOUR A TRUCK STOP PARKING LOT
TO STRIP THE TWINE OFF SOMEONE'S DEER KILL, THEN STRING THEM ONTO
A BULLET-RIDDLED WASHTUB I CHEATED A HOBO OUT OF WHILE
PITCHING PENNIES, TO MAKE THE RENEGADE SKIFFLE BAND GUTBUCKET
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, LOUIS VUITTON IS NOW SELLING THIS
AIRPLANE-SHAPED BAG FOR $39,000. THE DESIGNER SAYS IT REPRESENTS
THE "POSITIONING OF TWO MASCULINE STEREOTYPES TOGETHER
FOR CONTRAST-NAMELY, THE TOURIST VERSUS PURIST ARCHETYPES." WHILE THE ANGRY MOB WILL CALL IT
"JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE." IF YOU'RE CONSIDERING PICKING
ONE UP, KEEP IN MIND THAT, FOR 39 G'S, YOU COULD PURCHASE THIS
ACTUAL AIRPLANE, AND STILL HAVE $15,000 LEFT OVER TO BUY A
TWO-THIRDS LESS STUPID BAG. QUARANTINE-WHILE, "5 MONKEYS ARE
ON THE LOOSE IN CINCINNATI." AUTHORITIES BELIEVE THAT THE
PRIMATES WERE LIKELY RESPONDING TO A NATURAL INSTINCT TO SEARCH
FOR A PLACE THAT DOES NOT PUT CHILI ON SPAGHETTI. MONKEY ON THE LAM. QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO
RESEARCHERS, ROBOTIC LIZARDS MAY PLAY A ROLE IN THE FUTURE OF
DISASTER SURVEILLANCE. COOL! ALSO, QUICK FOLLOW-UP QUESTION:
WE HAVE ROBOTIC LIZARDS? FEELS LIKE YOU'RE SORT OF
BURYING THE LEDE HERE. IT'S LIKE COMING HOME AND
SAYING, "HONEY! MY MISTRESS JUST WON THE "PRICE
IS RIGHT" SHOWCASE! WHY ARE YOU CRYING? IT HAD A BOAT!"
SCIENTISTS MODELED THE ROBOTS ON LIZARDS BECAUSE OF THEIR ABILITY
TO SCALE WALLS, SAYING, "IN A DISASTER ZONE, YOU COULD SEND
THESE ROBOTS IN, AND THEY CAN JUST CRAWL AROUND THE STRUCTURE
AND LOOK FOR SURVIVORS." THEN YOU CAN FIND THE SURVIVORS
BY FOLLOWING THE SOUND OF PEOPLE SCREAMING, BECAUSE I'M GUESSING
ONCE THE ROBOT LIZARDS GET TO THEM, THEY'RE NOT SURVIVORS FOR
LONG. QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE WOMAN WITH
THE WORLD'S LONGEST NAILS CUT THEM AFTER NEARLY 30 YEARS. HER NAILS MEASURED 24 FEET, 0.7
INCHES, AND TOOK THREE TO FOUR BOTTLES OF NAIL POLISH. AND YOU'VE GOT TO PUT THE POLISH
ON, BECAUSE YOU WOULDN'T WANT THIS TO LOOK UNATTRACTIVE. QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN BOOZE NEWS,
BUDWEISER HAS DEBUTED UTAH-THEMED BOTTLES. UTAH-THEMED? SO... THEY DON'T HAVE ANY BEER
IN THEM? THE BOTTLES WILL FEATURE PHRASES
THAT UTAH CITIZENS LIKE TO USE IN PLACE OF CURSE WORDS, LIKE
"HOLY SHIZZ," "OH MY HECK," AND "FRICK YEAH." AS IN "OH, MY HECK, THIS
FRICKIN' BEER TASTES LIKE SHIZZ." QUARANTINE-WHILE, A CONVENIENCE
STORE IN THAILAND HAD AN UNUSUAL CUSTOMER THIS WEEK. A HUGE MONITOR LIZARD CLIMBING
ONE OF THE SHELVES. I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE'S
FREAKING OUT. IT'S CLEARLY JUST LOOKING FOR
SURVIVORS. QUARANTINE-WHILE, TOLKIEN FANS
HAVE BEEN ABUZZ ALL WEEK, AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHY, HOLD ON TO
YOUR HALDIR, BECAUSE A SOVIET TV VERSION OF "LORD OF THE
RINGS" HAS BEEN REDISCOVERED AFTER 30 YEARS! AN ADAPTATION OF TOLKIEN THAT I
DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT?! JIMMY! ROLL THE PRECIOUS! ( SPEAKING RUSSIAN )
SPRP ( SPEAKING RUSSIAN )
SPRP >> STEPHEN: I KEEP TELLING PETER
JACKSON THAT'S WHAT HIS VERSION WAS MISSING:
MORE GARGLING! THE SOVIETS MADE THIS THING IN
THE '90S, AND IT IS CLEARLY NOW THE GOLD STANDARD "LORD OF THE
RINGS" ADAPTATION. BEST OF ALL, THEY INCLUDED ALL
THE GREAT CHARACTERS PETER JACKSON LEFT OUT, LIKE TOM
BOMBADIL! AND THE CIRCUS MIME TRIPPING ON
BATH SALTS OF GONDOR. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HANK
AZARIA. ♪♪♪
