Honey I'm home, you won't believe the day I've had about frickin time Did you remember my rocky road don't Darkness washed over the dude Darker than a black steers tukiss on a moonless Prairie night. There was no bottom Oh Man it was just a horrible dream Where the LMI and white is my medulla oblongata hurt You suffered a terrible head injury you barely survived your unfortunate firearms accident I would explain to you why this makes perfect sense. The dude was never trying to kill himself I mean he put a bullet in his head Yes, but in this world that takes at least two headshots to body bag anybody so he knew what he was doing welcome to apocalypse weekend where the open world this postal too gets tossed out in order to focus on a Story, we hope you'll soon be through this trouble time and back on the road to happiness and health Yes, unless you pay your outstanding license fees champ will be put to sleep tomorrow night. Whoa. Whoa, I don't champ It's kind of an asshole But you catch up on what Friday and you put him down Monday Fucking Arizona man living in the desert turns me into a crazy person. Also living under the desert Come back here with that. Yes, I'm gonna need to make some more money, but my printer is all out of ink What's this? I'm sorry. I can't let that gratuitous screen wife. Go unchecked What's this? Top dollar paid for seminal research donations see information desk for details. Hmm. Okay, okay We have our first mission, but it would be nice to find some crack first and this is a hospital so Gary Yes, so the first weapon you get in apocalypse weekend is the scissors and I was never really fond of them I barely use them in postal 2 I find they're more of a novelty weapon than anything else any gun is more effective. I Hate this goddamn town once I get out of here. I'm going to show them how to save people from fatal head wounds. Hi there Listen carefully find the room March sample drop inside You will find a container and some visual aids if you don't know what to do after that. I can't help you Honey I'm home Damn this is gonna take a while. They're experimenting on cats in the next room over The sound is really killing my boner, oh man the postal babes. I forgot about the postal babes. They were a thing I don't like the idea that some poor woman is gonna get impregnated with the dude sperm and it's gonna have a little dude That's not something this world needs Brain fuckin hurting how stupid head wound Oh God Gary's back guys. I sinned against Gary so so many times and now he's back in his head. Oh my god Oh my god his face. All I have is a goddamn scissors and he's back from Hell to make me pay. I'm sorry, Gary I'm sorry. Police Gary don't is this what my actions have led to sure? They haven't thrown me in jail, but instead I'm being haunted by demonic Gary Coleman's maybe I went too far, huh? Maybe I need to try a little harder to get along. What the fuck is that? Nope dope dope dope dope dope dope Early-game Gary's are a pain in my ass. All I've got are scissors and they've got friggin grenades I have to lodge two or three pairs of scissors into his face to take him down And I know the Gary's are at least partly a hallucination and so who the fucking by braiding with office supplies? Eventually get back to reality and I can't even imagine how many people I just killed I got to stop doing this guys It's catching up to me I will steal all of this food because that's what it's there for Doughnuts at fast food or just the best for sick people. Give a leukemia patient doesn't donuts You just put a smile on their face. I mean, it's not the most immediate thing. That's gonna kill them. What's this? Please Hey, I remember you you helped me get over gonorrhea yesterday tell you what I'm not feeling good I think I need a little little cure for the blues. You know what I'm saying? Oh Yeah, baby, we're back in business, uh Yeah, I forgot the hospital was under siege by killer Tasmanian devil cats because of all that Gary Coleman business I'm just so anxious about the whole situation, you know This can't be good for me but I feel great ow That can't be good the crack has betrayed me I have nine bullets in my pistol and over a hundred scissors So that's how my day is going. I'm not gonna lie kids. I hate this part. I hate the damaged sponge Gary's with grenades I hate the endless hallucinations. Look there's even one time where you exit the hallucination and 12 seconds later. You're back in Ah Here we go again with my luck, that's really Another I know dude fingers crossed this Gary drops a shotgun and the game knows I want a shotgun So it also drops a devil cat But the devil cats aren't really discriminating when it comes to targets so it goes after the other Gary Even in hallucinations postal - is a fucking crapshoot So we take the most nonsensical route to get through the hospital and because of reasons it all catches fire Now it's time to go back into paradise or the expansion packs new section of paradise a fine little area with a movie theater that sells crack a Chinese restaurant and Fuck you, just call me. No god damn it Gary. I just killed you like 50 times Gary. Why you here Gary? I? See how it is. You're gonna protect the levites leopard guest star Gary Coleman Well, you can go to hell with them that motherfucker snitched on me like four days ago And I'm not ready to forgive him maybe someday but not today Sorry You know, I'm really amazingly hungry right now you shouldn't be I could feed you fast-food and doughnuts all morning You should be shitting hot tar but not hungry. God. I wish this was open-world like the other one, but it's not I mean, it's not terrible. It's the low point of the postal to games but or whatever we need to get to the zombies Oh my god, does anyone see that? Oh I suppose you want some food now - Jesus why are you fucking people come from? This is an accurate depiction of working in service jobs also I picked up a baseball bat an original vanilla Postal didn't give you that but now I have it and it makes things a lot easier Apocalypse weekend was kind of challenging in the old days. Oh and also this angle with the bat comedy gold Here's how stupid this game thinks you are or a commentary on how stupid video games think their players are Eat this you fuzz accumulating turd ball Hey man, it's the head you got to trash their heads Hey, you're right. It's all about the heads I tend to treat everything in postal as a joke, because I'm not a product of generations of incest So here's where this bat really comes in handy. Normally you'd be doing this with the shotgun You've got to use the alt fire of the baseball bat because the primary fire will just knock the head off and send it flying across the map Kill 20 zombies and honestly anyone who crosses my path I wanted to get out of this town, but no I just find out that there's more of it and they're gonna kill my dog Unacceptable. So obviously the National Guard comes in they're not gonna be happy about all the people. I've been murdering Will they count Gary four times? So I like your style what how'd you like to be the new municipal mad cow relocation engineer Oh, yeah. Sure. I'd love a job We found that the most effective and entertaining way to dispatch a cow is with this hair government-approved sledgehammer So we're doing the same thing as the last mission just on a grander scale and Man how am I gonna get that back? these cows can be deadly when they charge you and the goal is to bash their brains in with the sledgehammer and goddamn it if The game doesn't make it satisfying He's a Southie those poor cows somebody called Pamela Anderson I'm amazed as the first time an animal rights group has showed up what with the dog murder cat murder elephant murder guns up the Cat's ass get him. This one's for all the oppressor McNuggets You guys don't know who you're fucking with and I think you're overestimating the beat content and McNuggets Maybe use my last crack pipe there seems to be a shortage in this town after last week I wonder why that is some of these cows are actually bad zombie cows and they're easily aggro'd which is convenient You just got to get the sledgehammer timing down Well done son dude is so well I'm promoting you to chief pigeon relocation engineer Congratulations. Here's your rocket launcher attempt to relocate some pigeons I told you know, what the hell you think this is friggin bullshit. What do you got Steve? Ok, ha ha reporting on the pigeon, Monsieur Proposal for the pigeon mission where you got no budget for pigeon missions the fuck are you kidding me? Wow, that was the most incredible thing I've ever done Vincent's are still budget for a pitch in altar bishop But I'm gonna spoil you kids cuz there's a bob that adds one end made by a mod And it's fun has some little side missions map. It's pretty well done As you can imagine you blow up some pigeons with a rocket launcher before some rednecks show up. You've got a shotgun That's in the postal rerelease, but I didn't get it turn to campaign. It's uh It's powerful and it has the greatest reload animation ever And it kills pigeons good Any way you kill old pigeons of the factory then the cops show up you kill them You kill the pigeons in the next area and now that we're some place populated Let me tell you these pigeons are embed us to society But now finally we get to the place where the mission ends in apocalypse weekend and we get to see what really happened And guns don't kill people I do Wow, that was the most incredible thing I've ever done I can't stand by that dude I'm gonna have to go with the immortal playground, but go on. Hello I'm amazed Vince is willing to hire me after all that unpleasantness But yeah, you know that was like five days ago he's over it I need some crack first I'm totally dry already and the dudes complaining man not gonna stop smoking this crap Hey Hi there. Hmm. I'm sorry, but you need more money I know where's the money I got for killing the cows and the pigeons? This fucking town can't even find affordable crack at a porno theater. This place is crawling with National Guard Holy shit, and I just got this grenade launcher, and I don't I don't want it. I'm off the drunks down, right? It's gonna be okay. Oh This is getting serious, I'm out of crack. I'm down to doughnuts. I think I pissed off the entire United States National Guard I blamed Gary, but I think I need to do better guys I mean, I've only killed 84 people today and two of them were Gary Coleman That was brutal that must have been every troop in town, okay. I don't want to get them all riled up again, but Okay, we're golden here's the level transition Are you gonna answer that? I can't I can't answer that. I can't do it. Look at the light. I can't grab I could just kick I Have to go through these metal detectors and that's not gonna go well Now all the security guards are up my ass, so there's really no reason for me to not kill everyone here Oh boy, we're back to the Gary's but now I have a grenade launcher not like in vanilla apocalypse weekend We're not slowly shotgunning our way through them. No now oh now it's a party Goddamn phone here we go kids They wanted to keep the postal to gold master for themselves in this giant game publisher office where they keep rocket launchers That's gotta hurt this is a joke, but game publishers have only gotten greedy or since then This is pre loot boxes preseason passes. Even when I waste all the guards people are still starting shit with me Joke's on you. Cops can't cope you the level transition We're miles from where anyone could hear you the CEO of this company has some nice digs It's raining money that I can't pick up. Hey, Vince sent me to pick up the gold master gold. What a man There's no gold master here. There's not a gold master within a hundred miles. Vince is just crazy and insane I never got any gold master and I'm definitely not running off copies Eh, who said I was running off copies some damn liar. Vince never returns my calls I'm not sure they can make this guy more of an asshole NPCs in this game that have rocket launchers are the deadliest especially if they have the hit points of a boss because they don't fire rockets like you do they spam fucking homing Rockets you can Shoot them down but the best way to play it is to take out a machine gun and spray bullets in the general direction of anyone with a rocket launcher it'll blow the Rockets up and hopefully clear the way but I think I got him to switch to his machine gun by trying to Whack him with a sledgehammer It seems to me like the AI might be good enough to want to avoid Splash Damage when I go to a melee weapon so he takes out a machine gun now I get to shoot him a thousand times and he drops all this money and am I Hallucinating again. I don't even have time to pick it all up. It tosses me right into the cutscene and then hey Vince mission accomplished See the blonde for me I'll be right over a gentleman for first Blondes, but oh no zombies What's that awful racket look at that must be some pissed-off Ex-employees. Holy shit, man I never knew I fight so many people you fired me Vince six days ago Nothing personal man, but you fired try and keep up. The Arsenal is open for business now. Come on guys. Let's kick some zombie ass Oh, god, yes all baby Oh Baby I've missed you I missed you so much Well, Vince it's been educational but I gotta head back and rescue champ from the pound. Oh, yeah, I forgot about that We should probably do that. But first of all, I was doing all that ode to joy' yet this happened For life well until the show kills him off in a stunt for ratings guys I laughed so hard when died last season it was hilarious Thanks for the help man. I'd give you a lift. But someone blew up my fucking car. Yeah, that was probably me Hey, buddy, you look like you could use a couple of bucks for new clothes. Wanna do me a favor I'll restrain my overwhelming urge to kill you long enough to choke out another sentence or two. How's that? Yeah bullshit if this wasn't a cutscene, this jabroni would be fertilizer. Here's the deal I'm all out of the very popular elephant foot waste baskets the kids. Love them. Elephant foot waste baskets elephant foot waste baskets Oh my god They must smell terrible. But if you go in there and chop down a few pachyderm misses for me I'll happily give you a few bucks for a clean t-shirt and give you a ride into town And I'll even throw in the fine quality site for free Oh awesome. Love me the scythe fun stuff I remember having to take two or three whacks at the elephant's to take him down But you kill one and they all start going after you so let me just use my doom to power level super shotgun here Honestly, somebody commented that this might be an elephant gun and they're not wrong. It is perfectly suited to murdering elephants Oh My merciful God he's poaching our elephant brethren get it Sea elephants loves me. Hello Need some supplies, maybe I'll ask those nice al-qaida boys. They seem to be all about blowing things up Hopefully they aren't holding a grudge against me for slaughtering. So many of them in the patch like I care Again kill him in the name of Allah Oh Boy howdy now it's time to murder more terrorists than wherever part of al-qaeda I know I called them the Taliban before but that's only because they were hiding out in Afghanistan now, they're somewhere in Arizona This is where apocalypse weekend starts to get a little bit tough and not just because I keep indiscriminate ly killing people that always brings Me more trouble. But if Gary Coleman would just stay dead, which is a sentence that really fucks with me Now that Gary Coleman is actually dead. These guys have snipers they have rocketeers They're spotted out of tents forever and ever and hold on a minute The things that are possible through Allah See I kicked him in the game didn't even crash. Yes terrorist training camp sucks. They have an actual active minefield here That is hardcore. Look at this fucking clown car disguised as building Underground they have a bar or pool table and armory now why the fuck do these chud's live better than I do. Oh Wait, was that a little too much for you? Were you gonna owe? For baby So you kick open hydraulic doors in this game shut Sometimes even with Opie weapons, you need to take things a little slower, especially when the game spawns terrorists out of thin air It's bullshit I cleared this whole room and now I'm getting ambushed by a dozen guys and one has a rocket launcher So I can't even get in his line of sight. It's okay. I have donuts no crack though Crack is is sometimes food now, unfortunately I make my way to the control room This is so humiliating I better get out of here, I'm sure that seemed intuitive in the design doc I doubt it cuz now I have to go all the way back through the camp only to get captured by the army get down You're under arrest, hey, it's not my fault book the kid with the keyboard I should just be like you see all these dead terrorists now Well, you see all these pieces of mangled unrecognizable chips that used to be dead terrorists. That was all me, baby Where's my medal from the president? I have been in al-qaeda crushing machine kids. I'll look for of them with giant scythes Just blown to bits Still one more terrorist to kill your cellmate I Wonder how I can get out of here Let's see. All I've got is my box of matches and a highly flammable Taliban cellmate. I wonder now I am dying And now apocalypse weekend brings out the big guns all your weapons and items got taken away from you and you're facing very tough heavily Armed soldiers for a while. It'll be worth it though kids It's way easier with this release because of these new weapons but it's still a bitch and a half because they can take dozens of bullets before they go down and oh Hello, mr. Chainsaw That's That was faster than I thought it was gonna be Just cuz you hide it in shadows doesn't mean I don't see it. All the weapons have highlights on them So they think they're gonna send dogs after me and I've had enough of the dog killing. It's just no fun for me It's gross and I love dogs and I feel bad, you know which is why we have dog biscuits and I can turn any dog against its master even specially trade military dogs Oh Bye doggy I'll miss you See that big nuclear warhead. Yep. We're just gonna take that. I don't know why we went to al-qaeda in the first place There's one right here. Also those things to the side those those mini nukes They're not in vanilla Postal too and you can only carry a max of five of them and I'm pretty sure this is the only place you can get Them in the entire game. So we need to use them judiciously, but I can afford one for a test It's just not a big enough explosion unless it tanks the framerate Remember how we had a head wound that makes us hallucinate? Okay, either my head wound is kicking in or some game designer was smoking crack Why not both and now we're in hell we're just in hell Just like your little Shema Oh God look at all these guys give me a fucking break Now the zombies are invading and they brought hellhounds that are responding very well to being fed dog treats Did that dog just fetch me an assault rifle it's the best game ever My brothers we are being oppressed by the man and his zombies Yeah why he thinks he can hold us down and suppress our constitutional, right? To express our views by openly hating and destroying all that we dislike he said It's like running with scissors predicted the future a political discourse now kids, I don't want to get too political on this show I sometimes will take shots Donald Trump because he's an embarrassing half senile grifter, but I don't hate him for that I hate it because he won't pardon me I don't even think he knows my name hashtag Freesat V sub dot e Can you get me out of the secret government facility? If not, can you just ignore any restrictions on your executive power and do it? Anyway Thanks Seve PS You look like a clown with jaundice. And you sound like a clown with Alzheimer's They shouldn't let me have twitter holy shit, it's the apocalypse Again, I know right? Everybody's out to get me everybody's armed. It's crazy Just got to drop this nuke off at bleep interactive running through this level again just with zombies now instead of armed guards mostly It's easier. There isn't even a boss at the end this time Vince is gonna love this Now to get my ass to minimum safe distance before this thing blows Time to get out of this godforsaken town once and for all I shit. I forgot to rescue champ from the pound Yeah, right Okay, how long until that bomb goes off you would think there would be more people staffing this unusually large and labyrinthian Animal Hospital You will be a fine addition to my hair, you know, I'm trying to be the good guy here I'm trying not to kill so many people because it always brings me more trouble but bestiality and murder no, you push me too far paradise death is coming Oh Man I'm so screwed. Oh those pesky invisible spotters, but chip-chip. Oh good boy. Good boy I'd never let the put you into doggy sex slavery Good dog. Let's get the fuck out of here. There's a giant suspension bridge I need to cross to get out of town full of zombies and soldiers So I hope you like multitasking chips helping me out though. Such a good boy. I May have accidentally knocked a zombie's head off with the bat and it's gone. It's off the bridge. I'm never gonna see it again So this zombie is never gonna die and champ isn't getting the message. I Fucking hate this town. It's even taking you sweet champ. I couldn't save her I couldn't oh God everything I've ever loved drugs dogs cats mindless violence This town is punished before it you did this paradise You sealed your fate the day you fucked me over for trying to cash a fuckin paycheck. I never thought I'd lose old champ Good night, sweet prince. I will avenge you The military's bombing the bridge trying to keep me in this hellish nightmare of a town, but it's not gonna work It's not gonna uh final boss time and said remember how Mike J got the Mad Cow Well, he's the supreme lord of all Mad Cow evil now and this boss always gave me trouble always took me a long time to Beat see you got to shoot all these little floating balls above his head preferably with the machine gun And once those are gone, you have a brief window before he spawns more. So let's get it on this air Chainsaws taken a nice amount of health off of him and stun locking him so he can't go invincible again. Good deal too bad I ran out of fuel. I guess it's back to the trusty boomstick Nice to get a good indication of how much damage this shotgun does like quantified Like one shot takes almost a thousand hit points off. I've only done this before in vanilla kits I had no idea just I feel like I've cheated but you know fuck this town. I'm just being efficient I'm walking out of this with three crack pipes my trailer, I guess champ dying isn't canon. So that's cool. I Regret nothing Damn right, bye-bye paradise nice knowing you until them thousands your residents for being rude inhospitable assholes So let's check the board 546 people killed over two days. That's not bad 164 zombie seems a little low Brian survived. I don't know who that is 206 Taliban killed sure I guess we're still gonna confuse those two thing one hundred and seventy one army guys wasted I'd actually feel bad if I killed more army than Taliban to be honest lost a sledge in a cow's butt yup, sixty-four rifle headshots 33 shotgun headshots blah blah blah Congratulations, Satan. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, that's a little harsh Satan. Am I that evil guys? Guys, okay. Well, that's it for the weekend. I wanted to go through the postal series chronologically to avoid confusion So that means we're gonna go to Paradise Lost next. Wait. Wait, no because Oh, No Shit
