Prison Debt Collector - Lee Marvin Hitchman Tells His Story

[Music] foreign [Music] episode is sponsored by change change is an online mentoring program that teaches people with no experience how to create a real profitable online business and e-commerce I have been working with Ryan change for a few years now and attended many events and got to meet the amazing community of like-minded people these guys are the best of the best the support these guys offer is personal robots or employees there's no experience needed but like anything in life it takes time as it's a real business with real results for more information go check out Ryan on Instagram at ryanjib and he will guide you through the steps to help build a successful business thank you can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the Subscribe button and the notifications Bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live foreign thank you very much for having me James thanks for coming on brother cheers man first and foremost thanks for coming on the show but we'll promote your new book straight away in prison yeah my story you've been on Vlad Bible you've been on showing up with a few teams as well yeah look out fair play me I understand your story I've watched a few year interviews from born in prison we'll get into it but yeah yeah book where can people buy it um Amazon it's all available online exclusively from Amazon um it's doing really well as well and it's a really good read great reviews and that so far um it's got a good good quite good good bit of tips in it you know for trying to help you get clean and stuff a few things what you can do to try and use yourself you know if you've got a problem so it's got a good it's doing well buried that life it's no secret no and pain misery torment getting that tortured Soul would you say yeah I'd say that yeah I'd say that yeah I've had I've had a fight to get to where I am today I appreciate my come up now yeah but now we are here yeah you're trying to do the right things you've got a book out yeah you're sitting next to me mates before we get into all the madness and I always like to go back to the start with my guests yeah try and get a better understanding about you Marvin how it all began yeah okay mate yeah so um I was born in hmp style which is a women's prison up in women's Lord Cheshire um to two drug true drug addicts um my mum was a drug addict uh my dad was a drug addict as well um I later learned in life that my mum when I got the paperwork um it turned out that my dad um she never named my dad on the paperwork so it was the reason to that but we'll get into that later on um I just went in and orphanage spent time in an orphanage from the prison and my mum was being told I'd be given to two doctors if she would sign me up for adoption and so she was very torn by that I mean and she was quite immature as well because on the same paperwork it states that she was asking them can she send cards and letters and birthday gifts and would they get there if she sent him do you know what I mean so she was quite immature and so yeah she signed me away finally and I went to an orphanage what was quite strict um I believe the babies was locked in a room at four o'clock and then not seen till the next day and so that was quite tough knowing that then I was chosen by a Jamaican man and a Welsh woman and the Jamaican man was quite strict that's an understatement he was kind of I don't know he was a bit mad to be honest with you he couldn't he could never be just a nice man you know what I mean he used to beat me a lot I used to wee the bed he'd beat me more for it you know I had this reoccurring dream that I was helping my mum up the kitchen floor and it turns out that I wasn't helping I was wee in the bed so yeah I used to wake up with that struggle going on and so that was quite tough um yeah so my dad was a Jamaican man and he kind of went to town on me a bit growing up rubbed my face in we uh beat me a lot and I remember going to school and like having accidents in school and having to come home from school with my underwear and my hands and bleeding and he'd go to town on me for that you know so uh just like yeah yeah I my dad used to go to town and me quite a lot for no reason you know just that thing's way in the bed there asking to go out too much you know um but it wasn't just me it was beating he was beating one of my my mum and a friend a scotch woman from the gobbles called Janet and she had other kids and he was beating one of their girls as well because I got told later on that the police got involved and he got told like you can't be getting kids you know what I mean so we chilled out a bit then but I was always running away from home running away as a kid you know I was a I was a lost little child the first opportunity I'd run away from home try and get as far away as possible I'd end up getting the police the police would bring me home in a police car and take me back um so my mum told me from very young that I was picked so I used to think I'm picked I used to pick berries and stuff and pick things up off the floor and say I'm picked you know that's how easy it is to pick from it I was always wondering what happened to my mum and dad you know what I mean and there was Whispers but I can't remember when that I was born in prison but I think that came when I started going to prison myself so um I started stealing from very young I used to just go into local news agents and take sweetie bars and stuff and the fellow in the shop he'd let me get away with the local news agent and then one day he told me Dad and my dad beat me went to town on me and um the fella never told him again you know I used to go in and still do it and he never said anything after that um so I started we there was a lot of petty crime on my estate you know people break cars broke stolen cards and stuff like that so I was always been the one pushing him down the road trying to get them started armor mates would try and start them on the canal so the police had always chased me because it was the biggest and I was the tallest for that age and so I was in a bit of my very young a lot but um it never stopped me doing anything um I got to about eight years of age and I was going in and out of all the empty houses on my estate and I pushed this door over on an empty house and it was a fella to sleep there and a runoff went back the next day and um he'd been loosen with him so I started copying what he was doing and when I got this hit it it gave me this escape from like all my even very young even though I didn't know what like stress or anything was I was too young to understand it it really gave me a quick release and just gave me this like a breath of fresh air from army troubles gave me this Escape what I needed even though it was wrong I knew obviously glue sniffing and that was the wrong thing to do it felt like the right thing to do because I wasn't happy in the world just living day to day so I chased the glue sniffers out the houses in and out of the empty houses and stuff like find watch where they'd go and then I'd go in afterwards and then the gas came on the scene butane gas and I started doing the butane gas so we was in and out the city center um like I used to pay FIFA as well go in the shop Main shopping centers in the city center and Rob cars and whatnot and we used to get caught like me and this live view still see to this day and we still talk about it it's getting caught very young for shoplifting and also was going to the red light area because that was right next to us as well so we'd watch all the working girls get to work and that look so um it got to I got to 11 and we moved house and we only moved a mile away but to me it felt like another planet because it was over the canal and weren't really allowed over the canal so I met this guy called Andy who lived in the flat opposite where where the left the big four flats what opposite Island state and um he was about 16 and I had this games console and he he said to me at games for it so we went to his flat and went to his house and it was his mum's house and it was in his bedroom I'll never forget it and he said to me I got the games with my mates got the game through over the way so he took me over to this house and um it was a man in his 50s and he was his mum was in the in the in the living room top of the as you go in his mum was like to the left in the living room and his bedroom was right opposite the front door and he just literally grabbed me and before I knew what he was doing he pulled me in the bedroom and he had this big wooden toolbox what he had behind the door and he dragged it behind the door and he just started licking me and stuff and was touching me and molested me and raped me anyway so um I got raped and I went home in shock it was like I was hallucinating that was it instantly just like it was I was tripping again I felt like I was dripping off the go and then because I want allowed in the flats I've been sort of stay out the flats down the flats down flat and because it happened in the flat so far I can't tell me mum and dad because I've been in the flats so we have to keep it a secret um I kept it a secret um I went home I went to school the next day and it was mud because I just thought everyone knew I just thought Army mates are going to start saying I use abused yesterday I just thought everyone knew it was mad you just think everyone's staring at it and everyone knows like they can read it in your face um so um I went home then I went home and he was at my mom and dad's house he'd come round and said to him off thanks you son for helping me mum the day before he went shot for my mum it's all right if he comes round open regular like zombie mum's like yeah of course and I'm like all right then I'm just like in shot anyway it literally turned on his balcony and caught backing me to his house you know what I mean it was just as I come around to the house and said I'm just taking him up for some deliveries and not with me going to the like the pit sale um so I use drugs from very young to come to deal with that um um tip heck some sniffing lots of tip X Finland in school robbing it out of all the teachers chairs and Nick in the gas and taking glue and playing up and petty theft and wagging School um got to 13 and I was already in town doing Street robberies taxing to come around so everyone was taxing everyone else and um even I got taxed so all that started happening I got arrested for robbery at 13 and got convicted for robbery at 14. um so then straight away I remember then when I got arrested the police officer they said to me if he was a bit older I'd kick the [ __ ] out of you for what you did you know I don't want to rub the cigarette of someone my mate robbed a Signet ring so then I'm on the police radar then um but by then with Rd selling drugs this woman on my estate said towards you want to start serving up for me so we're selling for my house from a little spiral by the time it's got to 14 I'm kind of avoiding that pedophile even though he's still there and I know he lives there I'm just kind of avoiding him and he's coming around I'm telling him to move and and um I just started thieving and going down the red light area and just pissing around really just just lagging around with all the way with kids you know what I mean just felt that was where where it was at home with the people who was troubled kids do The Runaways and stuff like that so I was always around The Runaways and stuff and um I was in and out of the clubs the club scene it started then I said I'll stay and it started so there was a nightclub on out of state called the Thunderdome everyone used to go to it I was selling trips in there was in there the other ease if I could afford it you know what I mean obviously selling snidies as well if we could you know um going in the haciendas selling bits of pills and whatnot just trying to make a few quid so that was that part of life was taking over everything was good um and then one day he was this beautiful girl in a club dancing with our own talking afterwards and that and she said come back to mine we'll chill out and I'm just dabbing whiz at the time it's only like 17. and then I'm never forget it I'm sat in the living room she said have you ever tried cocaine I went yeah yeah yeah no tried it in a spliff on that and that's all it ever did it's only Ching splits that's all you ever heard was around then and it's about clap piping and that was me then straight away addicted instantly loved it crack was just better than all the other drugs combined um quickly became crack addicts robbed everyone around me stole if everyone bothered up everyone um just been just you know as you do for drugs um committing petty crime city center in and out of prison well my first sentence was a a robbery times two some ledge was something smack on my estate and two kids have come from another state serving up and I knew they was in the house someone had told me he was selling I went now he used to buy weed off me he's a muppet I'm going around there now I walk around down the road seen some luck I just shut it down my sleeve said yeah I like to welcome on the ground for me said hey [ __ ] nuts on this door Watson Rob D's drug dealers took the smacks or the money took the bracelet off them and all that and on the way out the lad the unbeknown to me through the machete in the back Garden so a day later getting it for rombury times two and two other ones that said not being robbed in the house obviously didn't say they were serving up on that so we've got a bail I'm I'm outside the new um shopping center what near me one day smoking drugs in this house and the same going in the shopping center so I kick his legs from underneath him and this episode is sponsored by fire away Pizza the fastest growing Pizza Company in the UK with over 150 stores with the fresh quality ingredients and unique pizzas they will have you coming back for more use chord James 20 for 20 off that's James 20 for 20 of permanito is floating my why he blew me up you little [ __ ] I mean anyway he went straight to the police I get remanded into Costa on a walk into hinley prison and it was like uh it was like nothing I'd ever experienced before I walked into a bare cell with a bed frame no toilet just a yellow piss bucket in the corner and the windows was broken um and people like these cages on the window and it was like literally millipedes and spiders and insects on there and we have to [ __ ] pieces of paper and fold up and push out the window um very very tough no exercise talking you had people screaming ten cheesy Bell ends out the window and all that very very tough environment and someone softened up very quickly really um but living the life of a crackhead was just a horrible just disgusting life I was an addict every time I got out of prison I'd commit crimes go back to prison I'll do something else go back to prison um so I was doing that getting coming going back and forth to prison and um I was hanging around in the ganga fested area and there was a lot of gun crime around there at the time I mean Chester yeah to give it it gave it the name gunchester and it was the reason because the reason with that was because there was two guns Two Gun gangs vying for a little small area and it was just a main road separating the two of them not even a main road a small Road so literally they were just shootings around the mile radius of them silver States all the time you know what I mean on we used to like saying earn a few quid off him like oh can we get your customers and merry Road and some of them like yeah yeah but sometimes it won't work like that we'd be robbing customers and stuff a couple of times it come on top for me you know what I mean um been shot before now got shot for [ __ ] supposed to be selling for someone not certain not selling for the million you're not shooting me you know what I mean um oh my own fault you know I could have died that day you know what I mean um a lad said to me do you want to start selling plaque for me and I knew it was a gunman I know he was a girl I'm gunman him and kind of avoiding him for a couple of days but I've seen him and then and he went like Marvel as a money man I said bro I smoked him you know what I mean I'm gonna be honest with you and he went nah you took the best I told you man he's shooting if you so he gave me some more to sell for them but I think he just did that to try and help me out you know what I mean and not to lose face and stuff and I smoked him again so well deservedly you know what I mean the guy [ __ ] Paul the big big 357 revolver that I mean shot me you know what I mean well did you get short um right in the leg um I was outside the club what had happened was um mummy I mean town like I kind of avoided him for now since got to the weekend and my mate said to me I might have just popped some money here um I'm gonna go and buy catch a lot of take us to see who's got the best whites or suddenly out getting a taxi with you if you've got 80 quid to let me he's got Nana I've only got 160. I'll give you 20 quitter and a [ __ ] [ __ ] I can't beat him getting this taxi anyway pirate attacks it kind of ducking down in the back but these guys are nosy in it you won't know who's outside the club apart from outside this nightclub and this guy's steaming got math blah blah wants you in there [ __ ] you know he's come out and gone come here I want you and I thought [ __ ] man I'm gonna get a shot here man yeah I know it I know it I'm just fine don't kill me bro and then he's just gonna come here took me around this corner and he just went pull this big [ __ ] long nose River out and just went bang bang and the second shot of when Bush straight through my leg and um I'm not sure if it dropped me or not I can't remember if it dropped me to the floor but um I made it to the car anyway and my mates back from the car by and I know they're waiting for me like and I've gone harp it's been shot you know and he's gone what you've just been shot jumps out the car like an idiot and start shouting yeah he just shot him shoot me and I'm like yo get in the [ __ ] car be our Shooters be will she was you know what I mean acting like a fool for oh my God the guys are just gonna shoot up this car in a minute anyway he's jumps in the car as he jumps in the car the pirate taxi drivers pull the key if I say that before left the keys in the ignition just run off yeah still see his dreads in the air flying like that it's a [ __ ] [ __ ] man we're in the car a lot these keys are in the ignition come to me mate get in let's go [ __ ] it I'll just do like a Rambo I've been watching a few Rumble films in a way gets a ribbon and ties it around and I just thought it was Rambo just being a dick head basically gone in this nightclub toilets um started smoking crack and obviously my heart's pumping faster so the blood's coming out of me faster and uh I'm in a woman's toilet all over where I've been messing around and um she goes hi [ __ ] you know what's going on in there and I've gone I've been shots can you cast there go any Hospital one of the bouncers has got a black bag and put it on his car seat and dropped me off at the Amana and I blocked him for 20 good on the way that's how bothered the buzzle out it you know what I mean like a normal sane man I'd be like glad to be alive but I was I was thinking of him again a nice clap from do you know what I mean so I'll get discharged I discharge myself after like did we clean it all out and they put like a big Tampax in my leg so that was my party trick then I was going around saying hey do you want to see this and I was pulling this big piece of Cottonwood in what they put right through my leg pulling it one end of my leg to the other like party trick plugging people for money showing them a party trick yeah just like raging crackhead style um You probably feel like down a lot in your life but seeing that [ __ ] sex case is manipulating yeah yes suppose loved ones because I had a man on who was abused with a guy called Barry benell who's just actually passed away yesterday yeah I had that undercover pedophile and the guy walked away at 20 years undercover he's attending to be one wow and what happens is he says that don't just Target the kids Target the parents yeah the weak links yeah manipulate them first yeah a lot of these [ __ ] go on dating websites or um Facebook you know Target parents single mothers yeah bring their cell phone for a year or two yeah and then Target the kids did you feel how let down did you feel when that's concerning your in your living room what was it yesterday adoptive parents yeah at the time um I didn't really think much about it because I didn't really feel I didn't know the what was wrong in it I didn't really see the wrong in it do you know what I mean I just I just thought it was a flat a friend who was like [ __ ] doing stuff to me and I mean I didn't think of it I didn't understand that was too young one I was too young to figure that out um when did you figure it out well I got to about 13 14 and then I was fuming and I was that angry I started getting angry thinking what was he doing to me but because I was embarrassed I didn't want to tell anyone because I was embarrassed you know what I mean because I felt blame myself um I did I blame myself and then he died in the end before anything ever happened to him his mum died first and then but I was avoiding him by then and then he died and when he died I felt like I wanted to do so much you know what I mean it was like one of them shoulder watercolor wish I would have done this well she would have done that you know what I mean but are they great regret it again you've been on the crack and getting older you're doing food with more hating rage possibly sitting next to someone and [ __ ] Pleasant doing a life sentence yeah I would have been million percent you know million percent million percent because it was getting that way I was doing robberies in town and thinking it's not hard you know it's a [ __ ] indeed damage to people you know what I mean like Petty thefts off people and all I was thinking you know what you can break the law you know like you can do things like that I'm starting to just starting to feed that little tiny seed in me and about what I should do I'm gonna get like getting back or should I front it and it's just too late no I mean remember the first time you spoke about that [ __ ] how about 35 40 years of age probably later probably to some with Neil Sam with a finger spoke to First never told anyone who was that speaking about it for the first time Catholic really is that what you say car for 30 um felt like uh I was just because I told I told my girlfriend but I'd never gone into detail about what happened I just told it like I was abused as a kid you know what I mean don't need to know what happened you know um but yeah when I kind of let the cat out the back it was kind of soothing but at the same time I feel that it's not it's not me you should be keeping secrets because I was the victim so it's like it's like the abusers winning if I feel I've got to keep a secret you know what I mean like it's me who's got a so far I suffer with the secret keeping it a secret so if I let it out I believe that I'm letting the poison dissipate I mean that's how I'm looking at it yeah yeah it's our life yeah so I'm just trying to get it out there you know just to Let It Fade Away what happens then after you get shot after they get shot but he's with you um about 25 26. um after I got shot I didn't give a [ __ ] I just carried on completely lost yeah just stayed in the ghetto um buying drugs off people like Daryl laycock stuff like that you know shout out to Donald Trump as well yeah shout out to some yeah um yeah uh yeah buying cracks hanging around the back end of The Gangs did you ever look for your mum I was scared to I I was scared to look for it because I'd always promised me adoptive mum I wouldn't go looking for it until she was dead for some reason but my mom always said to me man if you're the lost little boy you you need to go and look for your mum go and find out who you are but I never wanted to because of um I just felt I felt it'd be wrong if I tried to look for a while my mum was alive and it was funny I should have I should have long before because what happened was is I started working with um this prison prison team and this woman started working with me but she was started doing a bit more than she should really I could tell she was trying to get into me a little bit but I wasn't sure I wasn't sure if he was just being friendlier she was like somewhere else because I got moved prisons and she started sending me money when she shut off and um started saying to me like what you're going to do when you get out and stuff like that and I'm like me I'm just thinking about where my next pipes coming from on discharge you know what I mean I'm not thinking about anything else and um she starts uh sending me money and stuff like that then before I get out of jail she says oh I can get put on your license as a conditioner license so you can come and see me once a week so cold oh that's cool and twice a week um and then she says to me um what are you gonna do for work so I said I don't know so she said you wanted 100 pound a day stripping the walls in my house I live right next to Old Trafford Football Club so I'm going to This Woman's house strip in the wild stripping the walls and um getting hot and sweaty and stuff like and I'm taking my top off and stuff how much I can tell that she's wants it sort of thing but it's not my type not my cup of tea and I wouldn't prostitute myself out to you know what I mean because that's what I felt like I'd be doing if like I sold myself to her because I wasn't attracted to her in any way um so I think she's got a school by her son in the house as well and she's trying to seduce me in the house and I'm trying to avoid it and stuff like that so she's giving me 100 pound every day and it gets too New Year's Eve and I'm riding in the city center and then I see this guy and I hate his guts like he's got his girl he's got his um every girl who's ever been with you've seen him as a prostitute he's had them as a prostitute his sister's a prostitutes I did on the game I used to see him bullying if I'm on it and like I seen him with this young girl and I watch over while I was on my biker Rudolph and I went yo what are you doing with her you better leave it alone you and he went what am I doing now I went yeah I know what you're up to you you [ __ ] putting on that game if I say that game and I'll smack you all over you're all right I hate you and um he's gone in into the to the spa and I started speaking to what I'm saying what are you doing with him he'll get you on the game him you know he's a bad bad man him even though I was a raging crackhead you know what I mean it just wasn't my style I wouldn't put girls on the game and all that I wouldn't dream of doing that I knew he was so I was like he's going to get you on the game him smoking crack and everything she meant nah not me not me this girl's come over who knows me and go no he's safe him and all that give him a number anyway and I keep thinking about that evening my name I phoned it up and she starts crying burst into tears and went he's just battered me so I went I mean the gay Village so I've ripped down to the gay Village on this BMX and um he's gone in a bar and one of the bounces new and Mark just leave it man sorted out on that so I took it to my friends I also lived in um sat with her talking to her all night um telling us to try and get away from this guy you know what I mean and like there was a connection there to us straight away you know what I mean I felt I felt like her energy straight away I could tell she was struggling so I bought at the top up in our lands let's look if you need me ring me and I'll like sort of next day she rolled me and she's burst into tears again I think and said look bothered me again laugh at me so I said what so I went let me see if I can get you somewhere to stay and I was only staying in my niece's house like my niece had a spare bedroom homeless yeah I was homeless yeah and my niece had a spare bedroom and then it was one of them I said to her do you want to put this girl up in my room she could stay in my room you know what I mean um just not as if like she's struggling like she's got trouble at home with her mum and dad and her like she's got nowhere to stay no [ __ ] smack heads and all that yeah and I went nah she's not on the drugs or anything she's clean and she's only young she's your age and my niece was like 19 at the time and then so I knew there was close in age so I thought like sweet so um I brought her down to my niece's house and thankfully it was getting on really well but this woman in in in there he worked for the prison was up in a game of solution seduction she um every time I sat down she'd come and sit next to me or like I went upstairs I did have followed up my stairs and start messing around the bedroom and stuff and I thought [ __ ] house she's trying here but because she's paying me every day for ripping the wallpaper I don't want to rock the boat you know what I mean I'm thinking it's sweet this so an absolute I go upstairs to Thailand she follows me up don't you and then I go go just go in the bathroom and the door opens and she just I don't know yeah she comes in and throws her lips on me going to the bedroom I mean she throws her lips on me and I think [ __ ] I just freeze like that I just that was it she said to me um this up here what do you reckon about stripping that and she pointed to something next to me I locked up and I turn around she just started necking me I thought [ __ ] and I froze it's like I froze on the spot and she jumped back and went oh I'm so sorry that was so unprofessional of me I shouldn't have done that this might go all like this now she might start treating me a bit better now now she knows I don't want that with her she turned on me my chief would switch her she turned into a monster started slamming doors like locking me up and down and all that proper switched on me a shadow office in the front room right so she more or less lived in the back of a while the front ribbons at office all piles and paperwork she just does run in slam the door all the paperwork could fly everywhere and I think well she's proper anger I'm here so my niece are the boyfriend that now God Rest his soul killed himself in prison a few months ago um my niece's boyfriend going with me and I'm knocked on the door and she's opened the door she went who's this and I've just brought my niece's boyfriend to help me do this strip instrument I didn't let it tell you to bring anyone to this house she got me recalled to prison she told me probation officer I can't wait with him is this is this is that I'm I'm sat there one day I owe him next next minute the police come knocking and Nightmare breach another breach of my license conditions because I've actually preached me on my bail so I'm back in custody then so how long for her nine months ago to prison for and within that nine months I get to know Keira and um she starts telling me stories about you start telling me stories about what's happened somewhere in the past and stuff so she broke down in tears and told me that um that guy who she was with he'd been beaten eruption she was 15. and then not only that he'd been like doing like a bad things to her like he'd been been doing in their monster you know he was a monster he was a sex offender and when I was in prison and she said to me look well I've got something to tell you like um he's not only been beating me up like he's been like forcing me to sit down sex and he was forcing me when I was 15. as soon as she said that I said you know what girl he's a sex offender you need to get him locked up because no man can go with a girl at 15. he's 39. he's a nuns he's a sex offender just because he's you've rolled into 16 17 now because you've been with him a few years that doesn't mean it makes it any better he's still a sex offender when he was good with you when he knew he was 15 please go to work because she was working with this um Child Protection Team because they've already been on us because they know that he was an animal she'd been around him for a while I didn't know it turns out that it had other girls in his house he was runaways and he was forcing other girls to come round to his house and all that so when she told me that and she was away from him I begged her to get him locked up I said listen and she went no no because it's grass and I went it's not grassing girl that's that's the thing you don't understand he's not glassing sex offenders it doesn't work like that and they're not criminals they work they live on different Wings to us they build prisons for sex offenders so prisoners cannot get to them because when we get to them we eat them alive like a piranha on a fish so we have to convince her that they don't live with us there on a separate Wing you know the sex offenders there's no such fingers grass in a sex offended you know what I mean it doesn't there's no such thing there's no such thing so I convinced her to um report him and he got six and a half years so he was doing a lot of naughty things okay and that was with a deal and all that you know what I mean that was with him not not going guilt is some for some of the worst charges so uh I was still an addict though and um trying my best you know I'm trying to live a straight life I'm trying to trying to earn money for crack and then go home at night or go home after a couple of days and then try and live a normal life try and not smoke crack and what my dog and stuff like that on a at the time I'm I didn't I didn't know whether I wanted to live or die I kept thinking is death easier than life of course questioning that a lot and um I didn't know whether I didn't know whether it was worth living or not there was a lot of people dying of um overdoses and stuff a lot of people dying the drug game your friends are dying regular you know especially those who injects and stuff like that you see a lot of people go you know and I was thinking wow is this how I'm going to die like am I going to die of an Art Attack of the crack and stuff like that and I kept thinking to myself like you've got to change you've got to change you know what I mean and my bird's family like obviously she's got back speaking to them they were safe with me uh my Bird's dad like he treated me like a son you know what I mean and he knew I was an addictive and like an Amy trusted me in placably and stuff like that and he was dying of a terminal disease I saw watching him watching him have a terminal illness and watching everything kind of crumble around me I felt like it was I was Duty bound to try and do my part and get cleaned you know what I mean and I struggled I thought that tried to get clean doing normal days having days off and then going back waking up the next morning seeing a bit of cigash on the floor and being triggered by it and or somewhere walking town and someone have gone mad if you had as a there's a phone number down every piece of crack rats up in it you know what I mean and set me off again or like the fart I'd just get the better than me and I Just Wanna smoke crack and I just climb windows or climb walls to get to it and um I was I wasn't happy um I want some aside a lot I felt like it was going to kill me anyway I felt like I was gonna die in a minute yes self I mean yeah I was putting bigger pack any sort of drugs you're taking self-man yeah I was putting bigger than bigger pipes on how much we smoking a day anywhere from a one or two seven eight hundred quid a day whatever I made I'd smoke on cracks you know what I mean as much money as I made and I was grafting all day selling drugs in my side got nicked on a drug operation in the end in my side why did you enjoy prison it felt like home James felt like home I was born there do you know what I mean I was born there it was my place that you know I mean I'd go on the wings and everyone like yes Marv's back on the wing you know what I mean I'd walk on the wings and like the old jail like the wind would be banging because Marv had come back on the wing because I'd just be a bulge you know what I mean like backflips off The Landings and jumping in the dryer and [ __ ] having the wing firing and selling drugs and all that and just mud ones selling furniture you know what I mean it's not even still beat acting [ __ ] smoking weed and getting throw overs and Tim jesic and all that the Northeast boy they was they was flooded the jails them years ago it's mg is it but you're not a debt collector in prison yeah it was a debt collector as well yeah I used to nip around and get the debts for the people you know what I mean um not someone proud of that though really James it's just just necessary and it's a very very tough Place prison people on the out won't really won't really relate yeah [ __ ] debt collector but you know when someone owes someone a wanna and they don't really want to pay it and they need convincing I'd go in and convince him do you know what I mean and um there'd be a lot of ways of making them pay you know we're just scared him you know what I mean flatten them friends like take just just threaten them to do something you know what I mean it seems here if you're on your heart that you've done that yeah it was very heavy yeah it was hard hard I mean to do that knowing retrospect you know I mean scaring people and that you know like but you've got to pay your bills or she's just gonna get it you know what I mean or because I see this sadness in you bro I see it yeah being a ad it can be in everything you through I can understand why you were angry I could understand why you've done bad [ __ ] to try and survive yeah because you're angry at the world would you feel it down you feel lost you feel alone yeah and that's a horrible place to be it is my mom was my dad why did you not love me was it me what did I do wrong yeah the constant questions the constant Darkness the constant try to get away from the pain that's it yeah I've done a homeless documention it was like a world with another world after about three four days I actually felt homeless I actually feel when I was waking up in the morning I thought is this a dreamer I've actually lost my [ __ ] I'm starting to think yeah wow is this I'm a homeless yeah because you don't sleep it's like every 20 minutes because I was always on edge yeah or somebody [ __ ] tried to plug me when I'm sleeping yeah yeah and it was just it was it was a horrible feeling because even though I was doing it seven days I felt what if people forgot about me where's my family is this A Dream Is it real work that's it and it's scary to think if I was feeling another one even though I was going home after seven days at Christmas how would it be for somebody who's been on the streets for 20 years yeah that's 30 years yeah I've got anywhere to go on Christmas day no that's it yeah it's a horrible Place life sometimes and yeah of course it's also a beautiful Germany it's a it's a mixture of emotions life If we're honest but it takes us on so many Journeys but I can see the struggle in your eyes yeah yeah that's totally understandable yeah but don't forget how far you've come into what you're doing now of course see when you you think about the past as well there's a player building on your heart can do not just the stuff that people's done to you but the stuff you've done the others yeah both yeah of course yeah I mean I've there's a there's a memory wall saying no no there's an office next to strangers and it's got pictures of everyone who's died in drugs of prison and on the street my God it breaks my balls looking at it because I see loads of faces and I know and I know I gave him spice and I know of a smoke crack with him and I know we used to have a buzz with him and Noah sold him Spice in jail and just think wow I wonder if I kill them people why do you think you're still alive to do what I'm doing now to spread the word that no matter what you've been through you can been through the worst of the worst you can you can make it through and turn it around anytime you want you know what I mean I mean um he's talking about that burn before I want me on my back all right that burn on my back gave me so much trouble as a kid because I think to myself he's burnt me you what did I do that wrong is there something wrong with me why why would someone put a cigarette on my back hmm what's that Big Bun it's not a second yeah it's not some of these skim Jets being yeah it's proper put out in it that's what I mean yeah and that's what I mean my mum me adoptive mama always said Marv I never burnt Your Love It Wasn't Me you know she called me Marvin she put Lee at the beginning of my name but she never called me Lee no one ever called me Lee only police everyone calls me Marvin because my bathroom called me Marvin um so we had to use the question you bent with the cigarette a lot and um that that's hard to deal with and I've never been able to solve it you know what I mean because when I went searching for my mum we just adoption agent sir work with him for years man um she said to me right I'm going to open your adoption file for you now you officially open it went away buzzing she phoned me up and said I've got some news coming on Tuesday so what's and then she went she was sad when I was buzzing me and my bird thinking well I'm going to meet my mum soon and she went I've got some soul sorry yeah and just pass me a piece of paper and I thought what the [ __ ] this and it was my mom's death certificate and she met him so son your mom was dead uh I couldn't tell you before you know there's the reason and there's when she died she died within weeks of my My adoptive mum dying so he died weeks apart 2003 years before you know I mean I'm thinking no within weeks of them dying together do you know what I mean James I never knew what Depression was until that happened because I sat there we've had phones on and I was just blanking the world I didn't want to speak to care I had my dog next to me and I just felt like uh I didn't want to deal with anyone I just had enough of everybody didn't want to deal with anyone I didn't want to talk to no one and my Mrs is going well somebody you didn't even know her and you know what I mean she mumming it so so I can remember my the last time my mum held me in her arms and I've said it and I've said in every podcast and I can um it's Somewhere In My Memory Bank here in my brain every time when I say it I remember it here but I don't really forced to lock in there when there was a baby looking up I don't know what it is but somewhere in my psyche I can feel the last time I was in my mum's arms you know what I mean I can feel like the distressing energy and it's never left me up you know um so that energy I can feel that a lot hey well wish you when she had you teenage 17 18. what was she in prison for theft theft it said she was doing I think it was 9 months I've said sixes I was six or nine um while you're pregnant pregnant yeah heavily pregnant to try and survive basically yeah well that's what I mean um she was out heavily pregnant um and then she got Nick for theft and then midat was in prison as well because of it since that there was both in custody when I was born um but my mum was an escapee from a woman's prison in London that's that that's what my birth family have told me my mum was an escapee from a prison in London that's why she went up South she was up there so obviously she had me adopt um she had me in style wombs a little Cheshire and then went back to London and then signed the signed the adoption paperwork but it's of one it's a weird one because like I say I've met this guy who's claimed to be my dad since and he said to me it was a good thing you never came to London because you'd have been dead so I said what you mean he went there one day we was all taking drugs in this house we was in so-and-so's house and we was all smashed out of Ireland and she had a baby in a cot and he said we was all gouging and the baby was dead in the car and I picked the baby up and the baby was blue this was his words pick the baby up the baby was blue I told everyone in the mouse the baby was dead that would have been you that's what he said to me and I was like Wow [ __ ] you know good baby this is what I mean my my dad when I met him said that I would have been that dead baby if that was me because he was this is what happened deep years before he'd been in a drug house with My adoptive mum I mean with my birth mum sorry my real dad and my and he was taking drugs in the house and the woman in the house had a baby and he what he said they all he woke up and the baby was dead in the car and he picked the baby up blue and he went that would have been you nothing he's just made that up just making I've got a clue James if he made it that's what he said to me he said look it's not you because that would have been you how did you come across him well my aunt is um I've still been in contact with not been in contact with him but I think he turned up at my mom's funeral uh Summit when my mum died many years before so I think he still had his details and his number and whatnot on him the contact to them to cut a long story short I'm sat there with him and he starts telling me that uh he used to call my mom every name on the song for giving me away I used to call your mom every [ __ ] name on Denison and I've thought to myself why though is that a good thing is that something you're proud of calling my mom for giving me away you know what I mean like she must have been traumatized enough without you [ __ ] pounding her head you know what I mean and um I don't refuse my dad to this day because what happened was the first very first time I met him I'm on the phone he's on the phone our first ever meeting just me and him talking and he starts talking about volume to someone and I know that I can get valium you know on the counterfeit my old near strange race prison um so I just start Converse I don't know what else to say to him basically Jim I just can't think of anything to say to him I'm not a conversation I just say um yeah you know you can I can get them them valleys that cheap near me oh can you son okay oh yeah get me some get me some [ __ ] follow me up a couple of days later how are you all right yeah if you've got an ensemble you've got them tablets on the way to getting them tablets I lost 20 quid I knew that air for the energy I was just gonna go foul I just knew something was gonna go oh [ __ ] but let it happen and then he got into me on his compound in the gardens what me and he's got a nice big house in the compound he's got in the compound went in the toilet got smashed out of his head come sat back down in the garden with me and Karen started telling us that I used to force guns it's a woman in women's mouths and these popcorns to him he's float to force them to get take drugs and forces them onto the beat and he was a [ __ ] back in the day and he still got women now and and he was telling me and my girlfriend needs stories my career often he knows what she's been through and Kara just stood up and discussed and walked off and he went oh [ __ ] you know I shouldn't barely been saying that type of stuff to shut down I mean not really no man anyway he Sports have come for the DNA test then he just let me down he's supposed to come to me on his office for the DNA test one day went to the office I waited for him from two three four five six seven it never turned up I felt like a little kid again a little boy waiting for his dad do you know what I mean they abandoned me again and to this day I don't I do not know if that money is my dad or not because he never turned up for the DNA test do you want him to be your dad no I don't really I don't the only reason I wanted him to be my dad is because he told me he's got a son and a daughter they were 10 years younger than me and apparently they don't want to meet me until they know like in he's definitely my dad she's gonna do her DNA with you too then but I don't know what they are and never know who's going to be because he's [ __ ] me off now he used to swear if you know him I don't even know his name to be honest I don't know he gave me two names I don't know if his name's Eric or George there you go tell the honest to God I don't know if the man's called Eddie car charge because that's what he told me two names so to this day he's never I've never found out if what his real name is I'll see you coming from the broken home and you're in a crack then and you're being shot and you're running out of prison saving you were lying mad with it did you ever just wish your mom or your dad would come and take you and see everything will be okay that's why I always thought would happen I always thought that um I'd be swept up and everything I'd be happy ever after I really did believe that you know what I mean um I always thought that I always knew that everything what I did was come back comes back round you know just this big karmic wheel that we all have to bear so I knew all the Badness what I've done had come back around but I'd never done anything bad enough to cause this you know what I mean I have such a traumatic life you know I have a question why me yeah of course I questioned that a lot yeah but now I feel like I've been blessed by given the opportunity to spread my story because it's not your question why did they let me go why did they not fighting yeah to take me but can you understand why your mom did give you up well you okay don't do that same path like can you imagine being a father yeah yeah and they can understand why she did it yeah it's actually ease the pain a bit it does yeah especially because I met my dad as well and he's still on drugs and that and he's still on the crack and he's still on the smack and the especially if he's talking about a dead baby then I know it could have been yeah it could have been me yeah that's what I mean I don't think he was lame when he said that you know I mean I don't think he was lying I think he meant every word and then when he started saying that he used to get out my mum for giving me away I kind of made me cringe with him you know I mean I kind of you know like oh all right why would you do that you know but like I say I'm planned kind of probably blindly bleeding loyal to Moon you know what I mean I don't don't worry nothing wrong said about it you know what I mean when you know where probably there's a lot of things to be said about really you know what I mean yeah because you don't know what she went through her life and her upbringing and you know being in prison and being a runaway as well and attractive she never left after that low she never lived after giving me away James she never married she never had a relationship no no other kids nothing every photograph I've got I've actually took hugging over kids every single photograph that she ever get clean no no never got clean I don't think she ever got clean do you feel as if you ever met her that you both could have got cleaned together is that ever a dream that would have been a dream yeah but I think to myself if I would have met her while I was on crack I didn't mean smoking I'd have been um I think I think it would have just have been just a drug a drug thing it would have turned into a drug thing you know what I mean because I was very kind with my crackney like if I made money I'd just go and find someone to take and smoke with me you know I may just give him pipe off the pipe [ __ ] all and then get bored of him you know what I mean let's [ __ ] him off um it might be loneliest wow um I don't know I don't know if I've ever felt lonely or not I I questioned I I I give myself a very very deep question when I was young and I said to myself am I ever part of everything and everything's part of me aren't part of nothing and I I have to be a part of something because I can't be a part of everything nothing you know what I mean I've got to be a part of everything like the workings of the universe I've got a tip for me because if you don't I'm I'm don't know what I'm here for do you know what I mean um so I believe I've been put here for a reason to read this message that no matter where you've been in your life and how low I know sudden dark it is you can turn it around whenever you want you can make things better you can tell yourself to that you can make things better you know self-talk is like having a conversation with the universe and it yeah so man what's so powerful yeah but you're speaking I always repeat that stuff yeah so if I can repeat that enough then maybe it will send Kent is someone just be careful what you're talking be careful what you're putting into the universe and your prime example no matter how what age are who [ __ ] up your past is you can make changes to better your life you can't even though it's 20 30 40 years or wrong even if you're seven to you can change God yes people 78 and 90 learn the new languages running marathon exactly yeah it's all don't know how you believe it and putting that into action action is so important because we can all talk [ __ ] yeah and we all talk [ __ ] yeah that's my job is to talk [ __ ] I feel as if why does people buy it in my chat talk yeah I genuinely do I think I'm not feeling everybody yeah do you know what I mean but it must be something and I'm just I'm not trying to find all the answers and all the keys to all the locks I'm just trying to find enough that people can get something from it to then have a better life yeah and I'm working on that okay I've changed that's changed let's change this change yes it's giving me a better life I'm I'm flying but there's more to it there's more packages oh yeah of course mine's not finished yet my journey has not even started yet I mean I've just started to put my dad in a care home the one who used to beat me is a kid about so put him in a care room but it's funny because before I put him in the Care Room he was pissing and [ __ ] and I'm offering to clean it after he used to beat me for pissing myself so when I used to weed him we myself are we the bed I'd get a beating for it but then I've got to find that uh I've got to find that compassion so treat him with respect and think are you know clean it up for him and stay all right dad's okay don't worry it's all right you know but to me he'd be like why are you done by how come you appreciate it oh my yes stinking and that's what I'd get you know I mean it's my other home life goes feel so cool yourself yeah and you go out shutting yourself that's it yeah that's crazy crazy man yeah so yeah that's exactly it yeah crazy so I've had to just on all these family because like I've never had a relationship with these family really because I was on drugs from very young so they all kind of didn't want to know me anyway but all his family had just left me to do every last thing myself but yeah it is what it is story is not over yet um what's the worst thing you've seen in prison I watched someone said get squashed in the door that in this life just someone I I Wolverhampton that was all the channel of some kid the kid didn't pay it and the kids gone into sight out and he had them little argument and he slammed the door and the kid's head on the way out hit the floor guys slammed the door on the way out and just crushed his head in the door he's dead shout black blood on the on the land then um I watched someone's head gets smashed with I watched a sinking Forest Bank get smashed with someone's head as well once mate no the shower had gone up that it was a nonsense well freelance went illness villain just smashed smash the sink big marble sinks in that funny spunk yeah you don't mean that but again that's a shout to put it in case it wasn't if he wasn't yeah because that happens a lot as well um yeah I was you know what uh jail for me was quite um quite the experience I mean I got Nick for insight in the writing strange ways once some one of my Cody said to me man of course I've seen I get his bed off the phone me like a [ __ ] picks up a metal stacking chairs that I smacking it against the stairs taking off come on let's go like hey unfortunately Panic alarm went and I thought [ __ ] I just thinking the back of mine was like me was just cause that but Miami door got up six o'clock in the morning and just that felt my ears getting risen like there's another thought someone's holding my ears I feel squeezer just got me and picked me up marched me to the block charged me with um attempting some incite a writing strangers of all things [ __ ] you know 28 now he found the black people all the pedophiles it was a murder trying to get a cigar from all honest what's the worst thing about prison mouth you freedom you Freedom there's nothing worse than you just being there on with your thoughts um I'm being awake being a waiter you just can't get there I mean strange race is the worst because you can model I said The Nightlife of Manchester from strange ways um your freedom it's what kills you the most break your heart do you feel as if that was the first time you had a family when you were in prison possibly yeah that's a funny lots of a strange way of looking at it but yeah I guess it was my family uh there was my family in prison I mean I'd go to prison and The Lads that search me out like Marv get on air come on our wing come on hey in the ball you know what I mean because it was the left the loudest and the [ __ ] breakfast and the game is that's the weakest yeah yeah it's the weakest yeah it's the one with the most hiding yeah the one hiding the most right do you feel is this mad because when you have addictions you feel like the loudness and the Darkness is the mask the mask this one should actually start changing uh so I can walk in Adam no I can I know yeah I know yeah you know I feel like I know so you know I've been that clone I've been there I've been best you're joining us our kids and I've been getting paid yeah because they laughed in the darkness in it yeah I don't give a [ __ ] feel that Charlie in the drink yeah it's all about I'm broken it's a massive yeah because you feel you're getting fired then people you like I said it's a circus act like Marvel dirt yeah you're smash not bright and and [ __ ] the whole fun months on end and you think it's it's great everybody's got a piece here but people just know yeah you got up for that yeah you're getting used of the way life works you know when did that understanding start to come and quite recently really uh but you know I'm grateful for the journey what I've been on I mean I've been on some mad Journey um I remember getting beat um I remember a kid running up to me smashing my head with a brick a few years ago because he'd give me drugs to sell on the scenery of a day in town it's funny and it's like wow do you remember that joke that was like yeah man it was just about them on it it was bang at it and it does felt like it was somebody else talking to me you know what I mean even though this guy had smashed me about with a brick like literally snipered me jumped out of the car and ran up to me and hit me up and he had with a brick I still [ __ ] laughed with him and had the buzz with him and just thought wow you [ __ ] madman oh it's Muse The Madman in it you can't even take you know what around the end of a brick a few times with a bit of drugs um and don't get me started on that drugstoking issue because I've got a lot to say on that I mean keeping us keeping people slaves to our gay by League keeping it illegal and stuff like this organization brother the biggest man pretty much private prisons and money in the prisons there's money slavery man yeah yeah people working for buttons working for two three pounds a day aren't you yes two pounds a day talk about slavery is gone please you're making money off the week yeah off the vulnerable I think she shouldn't have been prison no need help no drug addict should be in place yeah eighty percent of kids who has who did they have one eight percent of kids who are in prison yeah come from a broken home yeah yeah yeah well that's it yeah and you know um you can't blame the drugs mate because it's everywhere in it the drugs are everywhere you know I mean when I started when I tried crack it was that brand new you come by after 10 o'clock at night from my estate I had to go and travel all over Manchester to buy it you know what I mean like just that you know and that was just um people trying to win a few quid off it and like the dangers of it all right then you can go and buy alcohol while she's danger you can put alcohol on the table with weed and you show me which one danger you know I mean every 99.9 people gonna say the alcohol is the dangerous one out there but the canopy is the legal one it's funny you know like you say it's the star money profits and business that's an alcohol is one of the biggest killers on men because 40 000 every year second eight should get Vapes you've got everything that's you've even sugar yeah Sugar's just as big as well over why it's there but again it's to suppress the human mind of thinking for itself yeah because if you're craving something your free thinking goes yeah and that's a sad thing yeah when did you have a realization that you were [ __ ] up that your life was lost you're a loss so I was on spice what was space like [ __ ] um spice is like another planet to me yeah [ __ ] me I wasn't on it in space was about my God man that spice was just somewhere else mate I'm laughing mate because I know it's lucky as [ __ ] because I was in a cell with this girl sir they got well his name is can't remember now when it come on the wing spice I got a big baller for this game don't start doing it in love like all these [ __ ] Muppets on the winglet just put a tiny bit in and see what it does to turn up all the tiniest amount and start there I thought my arms like robocopping like that's what it felt like my arms was going you know it's just like the blood rushing for your body I felt like rolling wow this could be there's [ __ ] strong as [ __ ] and then I'm getting it in the jail and um I get salt and I say to my missus [ __ ] oh man [ __ ] the crap now I'm smoking Spice from no one not enough for the crack cheaper as well yeah and I never ever touched the crack again I smoked spice for about a year and a half two years still legal um and it was cooking me from the inside out I mean I was after waking up I never knew what anxiety was I was waking up with anxiety like through the roof just having a mad attack couldn't breathe couldn't breathe couldn't speak just spinning around on my bed bearing up like just swaying like buckets and buckets and buckets off the spice and my message is found in ambulances as soon as the air is on the spice laugh okay we're going honestly they literally would just I think she'd go it's small that space ago I [ __ ] that we're gone and just leave you there and just go because he knew the spice was just giving everyone panic attacks you couldn't buy it in Manchester City Center so I was going to this shop on the outskirts of Manchester saying to these guys give us some testers let me go and take it to Manchester and give it the boys to try [ __ ] you know so they're giving me a little gram packets and then the more I'm getting into them the more friendly they're becoming in the end they start selling me 20 gun three grams of spice for six pound fifter if you know what I mean it was labeled up at 20 pound so I can buy three grand for six pound fifty so I was going every day I'm buying like 10 gram of spice taking testers into town giving people and going home and smoking the rest and acting like a lunatic in the house because it was that strong I felt like my head was going to explode um but stopped eating on everything else and I was going yellow then and my missus was saying to me math that is killing you that if any drug has ever been killing you it's the spice and I went and I've got to stop it and then one day I just threw all of it in buckets of wild and launched it I never touched it again and um touch what I've not touched anything again did you ever go to rehab at any meetings no I went to n a put me like a [ __ ] I took crack to any so I was smoking crack in the toilets before I was going into the bleeding rooms you know what I mean so I felt bad about after the fact imagine how many people are triggered that's what I used to think you know what I mean but it was the only place I could smoke crack my misses and she wiped me to go on a so it was only three two hours I could get out the day you know I mean just go and get a couple of pipes we'll get people who go to meetings to serve up yeah you will yeah of course yeah it's [ __ ] busy please how was it coming off of it it was quite easy and all to be honest um what your new nothing now just a legal weed prescription that's a vein yeah that's all I'll take no yeah I don't drink alcohol or anything else any medication other than yeah I'm on medication yeah um sitting in my head and everything yeah I'm on pain medications um but yeah well you're in pain I've got a spine disease and so so I've got to take this medication twice a day otherwise I can't walk got sciatica as well um it's okay he says cruciating pains on my legs you know what I mean so I'm on like 100 ml of morphine morphine tablets which are very very strong they knock me out at night sometimes I can't even stay awake at night which is a difficulty but it's Catch 22 because I've had a screaming pain all day I'd have to take the morphines you know what I mean it's built up over the years I didn't want to take painkillers I was refusing them up first and the doctors are like look you need to manage your pain here you know what I mean got a mud panic attack again I have these all the time though what's up with I think it's the spice I've never stopped since like that I've been on the spice everyone tells me just take your coat off but it's not as easy or anything I gave him about 10 times a day these I've had since I started taking spice since I started using spice I get them about 10 times a day at the minute just wear them out like them in a swimming bath just soaking up like that how's your life on finger the other day come on Saturday my Angus cows calm I've never been an angry person me um can control that a lot you know what I mean like I'm not one for it in the misses and all that I've never been a violence we've not been into violence at all I've never done all that um so I'm quite calm in that respect I think but yeah I can turn on a penny my finger can go through the roof really quickly you know what I mean but yeah I'm quite a calm person I don't like hurting people you know I've never been I've never been a hater you know I mean I've always been like a lover type you know what I mean Jane a lot of missiles are telling I've never heard and I like you know what I mean never use violence it's not me I'm she wears the trousers Idol you ever done therapy um I've talked to people about my problems but I've never really got into it too much this is my therapy I think just because yeah this is it yeah this is adult story man you know what I should say if it's dark meat one unpleasant which hands you've got that's the case of well there's a guy go from here and then everything you went through you could understand if you were angry you could understand [ __ ] yes I'm taking punch out with me I know I know I mean people have asked me that why have you not just gone mad down gone sick and I just just not in me to do that no I mean so how's life now Life's good now babies babies are nearly four um health-wise it's not good I've got a front or low brain tumor you know what I mean what I get checked every year and they put this dying my veins to see if the tumor's grown and it's when it grows to a point where it's gonna pop and it's gonna do me and it is what it is but as you've yeah it's not done that yet you know what I mean so every year they get that checked um the pain in the box is what it is but just living day to day you know what I mean happy that I've found all my answers on my birth family got all the answers I need now I've got my family my own to look after and you know what I mean the back closure with the family that you had yeah I mean yeah they've spoke to me and got I've got to know them a little bit and got to know my cousins and all that which is nice do you know what I mean who was that having a son did you ever was ever a worry that you could have ended up like your dad or your mum not a disrespecting but you know what I mean yeah yeah of unpleasant an addict yeah you give your son up yeah I've always thought that it would have went like that but thank God we've never um never been that that way you know what I mean um I had a song when I was like 17. um never really got on I wish I could link up with him again you know what I mean that's one of my biggest regrets you know not connecting with my son being on drugs when he was growing up now I'm not on drugs now you know what I mean but now he's got a family of his own don't think he won't know me now but my new son my little four-year-old nearly four is Artistic got his own little issues you know what I mean behavioral issues but we're just trying to give him as much love and attention as we can and manufactured yeah family's what it's all about how is that worth having us on at 17 because it's a king there same patterns as your mum yeah it was same chose drugs over something family yeah and she went she he he kind of um decided with his mum you know what I mean he sided with his mum because she's never yeah she's there yeah so this is what people need to understand single mothers how hard that is and we talk about masculinity majority of men are then presence the majority of men are homeless the majority of men are suicide though but his men have a [ __ ] being pregnant I've never raised a son what two jobs will provide them for their family to talk about men being strong women are stronger than men of course in my opinion yes men have got masculinity I believe men are becoming soft as [ __ ] we need to grow a set of balls because women another hand yeah they talk about men being strong the what women do to give buffers like I can't I'm it's how the body functions how everything functions and how the breasts grow together the umbilical cordless feeding this the baby nutrients and staying up and buff and then having to feed the baby every hour and a half and the stresses that goes on the body the energy it takes women are strong man and as I'm learning that as I get older and understanding how and life men and women need each other yeah but women are a lot stronger than what this yeah they should get crazy they're a lot stronger than we give them credit for them but there's that player massive part now that you're becoming clean and understanding in life where but if does your son know your story yeah my son knows it yeah he knows a bit of it yeah he knows a bit but we'll see if it come round to my way of thinking I hope he does you know what I mean just keep doing what you're doing and yeah that's it keep doing what I'm doing and plugging my story you know what I mean and hopefully you'll understand you'll start understanding how hard it was for me you know what I mean when he was growing up yeah really at peace um have you ever been at peace I want peace with my son when I'm next to my boys I reckon I'll be at peace both of them next to me you know what I mean hopefully you think that will happen yeah it'll happen it'll happen soon enough how are the times right yeah when are you you're happiest um can you enjoy happiness with the medication you're on and the pain that you're in is where it's natural as it can be where you're in the present moment or as I'm living in the fuzzy yeah I guess so yeah a lot of a lot of fun yeah I am president no I do focus a lot I do a lot of breathing techniques and stuff like that to try and bring me back to the mid sanity you know what I mean try and stay in touch with my senses a lot you know I was just sleeping it's [ __ ] mad mad or four bells and stuff I'm laughing because my sleep machine my message will go off her head but I'll I'll go to sleep at 10 but then I bought a half eleven yeah and that's me before yeah and then I'll go up I'll go up at seven it's okay they're broken up yeah but sometimes I'll get a great sleep mine's broken okay I can't sleep sometimes and I wake up [ __ ] tired yeah yeah that's me yeah yeah I'll sleep and tomorrow to sleep the tire to get you how is the relationship with your mercies now good good I know she's got her own struggles is that correct yeah we both struggle yeah yeah it is it's hard but it's good we're working on the babies you know what I mean we focus on our baby we gotta struggle keeping him Social Services jumped down our throats mate we had to cut big chunks of air offers and all that you know they thought I was a drug addict thought she was crazy you know what I mean so the work tunnels made us they thought she was taking drugs and then she had to prove that she wasn't I had to prove I wasn't taking drug cleanup I mean they don't want big hair follicle sample test on us that's a good thing as well you can just jump through oops to keep that baby mate you know what I mean I was proud that we was going to keep that baby the amount of things we did to keep that baby worked hard to keep that baby honest did I still keep tabs on you every month no no no he signed us off with him weeks he was filming right the way through a pregnancy excuse me right the way through pregnancy and then soon as the baby was born you see now she was they went right we won't get you off it straight away she was offered in weeks which was a great amazing you know what I mean four or five months she was done signed off maybe was four or five moving forward which was excellent in it yeah because Lika see as much as a child services they can be [ __ ] but also another I think the government yeah they're looking after babies everything's run real because that's it people be giving Bob because the human trafficking stuff now people selling kids and I know it's worse than it it's it's heavy stuff it's very easy on the internet as well make business and fair play and that's how the UK we have to get strict boys and obviously lesson laws are there to be broken in some ways but when it comes to protecting children yeah I love it there needs to be as strict as it can be gotta be honest it's got to be because Prison system's [ __ ] terrible for sayings yeah I mean you're not getting punishment in prison are you too easy in it prison like you're only losing your freedom that's the only thing you've lost nothing else I feel how was it doing your lad by one of you it was quite good yeah it was quite um hard to do all right all of them are out to do you know what I mean they're all out to do but I pushed myself to do and then butterflies is what I search for you know what I mean I think that's my drug Now isn't them little butterflies but yeah um a lot of a lot of the future is brighter than it would have been I'm glad I'm glad to be alive I've thanked my lucky stars I'm a liar every day but I just don't know what reason I'm here for yet yeah but again yeah how was it writing your book well I'm in prison makes your lesson I'm going to leave a link in description so make sure you support Marvin yeah he's trying to do the right thing support his family how was it writing a book so born in prison how I survived shooting stabbings prison crack addiction Manchester gangs and dog attacks yes oh my God mate I got I got um I was [ __ ] robbing drug dealers and robbing robbing punters again and got the gang members took me around went around to a gang member's uh gang leaders [ __ ] Avenue where I got stuck in the car one day um because I've been rubbing all the shots on this day and I got Tuck and he put an English bull on me and it chewed me to [ __ ] but that's not even the best one the worst one of the police of smoking cracking an empty building in the city center one day the police have come and have panicked they were you know I thought I should have neck some of them tried to hide and they put these big [ __ ] old station on me and it come and grab me from a leg here from a fire and it pulled me up by my thigh took half my leg with it you know what I mean big scars on my legs where these big police dog ripped me to shreds how many times you've been stabbed I could pull yeah I've got stabbed in my leg and I got stabbed dead off my mate over the bleeding um kind of beer because I won't come and buy him a can of baby a big knife in the side big massive hole in my side there but um luckily I didn't touch nowhere anything you know the mains and that any any our body organs so I discharged but I didn't even just signed in went to the main reception went is this going to kill me off sort of a nurse and she had a look at him oh it's not serious I don't feel sweet that's gonna be for me I'm gone it was [ __ ] off what about smoking crack everything that you've been through and try to find dinosaurs try to find your family how was it when you the kind of family thing kinda get put to bed and you try to become clean you try to become my dad and it's been hard you know it's been hard trying to just get everything right really just juggle everything I'm not used to it you know what I mean I don't know how to build relationships I don't know how to keep relationships I'm not used to while acting what I mean I'm just going with the floor here got a few lovely cousins who message me and you know everything's nice yeah because it's sad to you've never been shown love Yeah from the day you are born who's the first person to show you love my missus probably is that when you feel even because if I was in relationships if people gave me love I'd end them yeah I think it was not worthy of it or I think they're going to leave anyway so I'd rather deal with the pain now than yeah yeah yeah well I've been in I thought she's the only moved second ever serious relationship anyway you know what I mean like my first one I got a baby out of it so then I got addicted to drugs so I didn't really have relationships you know I mean for many many years and then just tough little saw them when I got metcara that was my second serious relationship so I've had two relationships on two kids out of both of them you know what I mean so I don't really not really knowledgeable in relationships as much and you know what I mean life skills how do you how have you kept in this relationship so long um just being loyal and loving I think and just you know looking after each other you know I mean because we've always looked after each other I mean she's been through some dread Foster things in her life you know why she never left you um I think because I'm such a nice person that's what she said why she hasn't because being on it and the four cops in the prisons it's an easier for people yeah I know restorationship ain't going anywhere yeah no I'm out yeah do you feel blessed to have some that it's yeah that never left you yeah I'm very lucky yeah yeah of course very very lucky um she's been for her own struggles as well but yeah it's good yeah she's the only person who's never left me so far yeah how is it talking about your life I'm not a bit hiring and it's hard it's not easy it's not easy but um it's therapeutic for me I feel like a benefit of it you know what I mean I feel like I'm powering myself every time I do it you know what I mean getting my story out there and people reading my stories really really good to know you know what I mean I wasn't writing about were you nervous it's hard as hell yeah very hard lots of many many hours nights and nights and nights you know what I mean so I had a really good editor called Victoria and we have to send tons of information to you know what I mean and then she'd chop a bit off it and tell me what was important and what not you know and then she's sending me back and then we would work to Gathering armies so I've got to hand it to Victoria I'm a wonderful editor for helping me get to where I am now so if you're playing man congratulations thank you where do you go forward for the future month what's the plans um we have big visions telling the world my story and helping others and hopefully set up a charity you know what I mean to help abuse kids and stuff like that what about speaking in schools and all of that yeah speaking Yeah but what a lot of people um other survivors speaking because I've done my speaking now I'd rather love a group of others they were willing to talk you know what I mean yeah what's the biggest thing for someone to speak out it took you nearly 20 years yeah you've got I think I think what I'd age people victims to go and report it now Don't Wait Another Minute and if and that secret shouldn't be shouldn't be cheering you up it should be chewing the abuser should be feeling it not you so you're being burnt off that secret you know what I mean you're letting it burn you in from the inside out don't go and report it now and see what happens see how free you get off it see how free you really releases you off it you'll see you'll feel it you'll feel released off it you know what I mean it'll set you free how can people contact you if they want a look for someone to speak to it almost available Instagram Facebook come there mate I'm there yeah anyone can message me anytime they want I'll always give them a minute if can anybody that's in the struggle now will battle him with addiction what advice would you have for them you can get out of it straight away tell yourself don't be waiting for someone to tell you you don't need anyone to tell you you can tell yourself that you can change and you can get clean and your life will change you'll see it up and if you tell yourself you're gonna do it you'll do it and for anybody that's what I buy you a bit where can I buy it um it's available on Amazon James um 1099 9.99 available on Amazon are 4.99 on Amazon Kindle as well my blessing me I don't want to hold you back because I know you'll be tired of me but thank you but would you like to finish up on anything no no that's fine you're ready to roll mate yeah that's him brother for coming on today and telling your story thank you very dark but I'm proud of you for trying to make the changes try to become a better person try to become a father it's not easy but you're doing it and like I say anything I can ever do in the future just drop me a message as much as I can all the best for the future thank you very very much mate God bless you thank you James Cheers Cheers buddy thanks good

Channel: Anything Goes With James English

Views: 95,990

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Id: jUVx4PNGxkA

Length: 89min 4sec (5344 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 25 2023