Actress Danniella Westbrook Tells her story.

this week's episode is sponsored by weights beckonsfield white's beckonsfield is the number one company in the uk to brighten up your smile at a very affordable price get your perfect smile today using code a.g james english at checkout for a 15 discount on all products [Music] so i've been using this whitening kit from whites beckons field i'm on day five out of seven and my teeth are looking white so it doesn't contain peroxide so it's very very safe for you to use on your teeth it doesn't cause any sensitivity and i've literally got the most sensitivity the most affordable product works like a dream look how wide with no filter no sensitivity and it is just one of the best that i've ever used like that's three days it's crazy [Music] you can now follow me and all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications button so you're notified for when my next podcast goes live yeah i was groomed heavily groomed um and given alcohol from my eight years old just given my first line of coke actually i sold people in the press at 14 i take a coke in a club situation i wasn't i was giving drugs a lot younger and other sorts of drugs as well to suppress me um whilst these things were happening to us i've been nine months of telling my daddy had six strokes many strokes he's got really bad dimension now and he sort of blamed himself because i never told him but i was told not to say the bbc saved my life if i'm honest saved my life because i probably would have gone down a path of if i had not got into that shop probably would have gone down a path of trying to stay in this industry working in it we've been probably would have ended up an addicting in in in the sex industry or something like that i know i would another thing that happened to me about being taken out my house held an apartment a place around the corner of here actually for three days and being continuously raped by three guys for somebody else's debt didn't happen to be home at the time when they knocked i traveled the world sis and i were just everywhere we went 30 million people watched us get married we grew up in front of the nation i passed out once at the top of the stairs in the vic and hit the deck back because i was just constantly would have that thing with coke where i was doing that much and then i would gouge like that out with stuff where i needed to have a line i'll be out for days and i would gouge out really bad um almost like hearing that badges out i should be like that bad with drugs when i was pregnant with jody i was three months pregnant with jody and i was freaking ill and then all my organs were giving up and they said to me in about six weeks to live i didn't give a [ __ ] they ended up shackling me to the streets to the seat halfway to la because i was in first class i was abusing him on the phone with the credit card machine i bought everything from duty-free and i went in this toilet and had a cigarette everyone's laying in their bed to sleep in first paid a fortune and the stewardess is knocking on there miss westbrook are you smoking in there and i opened the door of a cigarette i went yeah what are you going to do open the door and [ __ ] throw me out the lane you're not but kid's going to know what mum and when you split up with dad and you did your stubborn [ __ ] and end up in a hostel and everything she went and he was running an extension lead under the door to nick the electric out of the hallway and we were sharing pot noodles and [ __ ] because we had nothing because i was a raging freaking cockhead selfish as it is she said we used to lay in bed to three of us freedom with our dog she said burping should i support the alphabet and make kyla and it was them things i remember she said but you go for all the times when we've had [ __ ] 10 grand birthday parties and stuff when i can't remember after them things i'm a little bit shy if i'm honest yes i don't believe that i am honestly i've been i've been so excited to come on and you know but i've been so nervous as well yeah if i'm honest because i don't know i haven't done anything for a year i haven't spoken to anyone for a year and the reason i wanted to come on your show is a because you've got a great reputation there's so many people are telling me i can't believe you're going on his show and it's going to be great for you and no pressure um and the other thing is because you don't come from a journalistic background and you and you've walked your own line so for me it's it was a it was a no-brainer yeah i appreciate that and first of all for coming on the show it's very much appreciated you've got a great story i believe i think you can have a story where people can look at inspiration because as much as people can read the press and watch the news they can [ __ ] you over 100 times over but people need to understand the background you've came from from being gang raped abused and these are trigger points why addiction starts but first of all you're clean you're sober now so congratulations i'm doing all right today yeah so listen i believe we're all struggling as human beings we're all struggling and always trying to bring people on the podcast where people can find some light some motivation some inspiration i don't give a [ __ ] how dark your past is what age are what color are skin yeah everybody's got a story and i believe your story is there to be told you've been on a lot of programs but it's only like five minutes ten minute snippets i want to get right into a better understanding of who you are what triggers you and how well you're doing now i might cry um that's okay i'm always crying anyway but always go back to the start of my guests where they grew up and how it all began yeah well i grew up in woodford green in essex um just a normal like mom and dad um nancy the family come from a traveller background and like my dad's just grinded scottish funny enough good morning yeah yeah and westbrook's and um yeah it's just normal my mom my mum's um a single child an only child from her family was adopted at an early age and stuff she worked in london as a playboy bunny you know and and my dad was a carpet fitter just a normal a normal normal whatever his normal family um he had a child from his first marriage an older brother that stepbrother i've got don't really see um and i was eight years the only child really until my younger brother come along and um i was always like the blonde blundered blue-eyed girl out of all my cousins i was the one that was trouble for starting fights with people and stuff the little fat one um and i was just you know confident i was that kid my mum worked nights up in london for the playboy casino and stuff and uh and the valebon and my dad used to finish work pick me up for me and so i was always with my dad and um i was the apple and my dad's i still am today god bless him and uh and that was it really and my mom worked with a lot of um famous people coming to the club obviously at that time in the 70s like the who and the stones and all those sort of people and and um i think someone wanted someone for a video shoot a child for a video shoot and obviously she was proud of her daughter she pushed me forward it's always what she really wanted to do um and didn't see the harm and the dangers in it at the time and my dads went no she's not doing that because i used to ride horses and i was just a normal kid and um she pushed and pushed and pushed and she just did it anyway put me up at silver young theater school and when i was seven um i didn't know any different i was seven i mean i just was into derbies and stuff and horses when i did that and um i was not a natural performer naturally confident but not a natural performer like i weren't really good at dancing i was a bit dumpy and a little bit out of v and i couldn't really sing but then eventually every time i got to 15 i'm still not great but i could work my way around a few things and i went there from seven years old and i went full time at 11 but yeah i worked a lot i worked an awful lot from day one bang i worked a lot i worked with queen and you know freddie mercury and george mike i've worked with so many different types of people i did the west end for angelo webber i've done role varieties i've worked at buckingham palace garden parties i've done everything um and i was just a normal kid you know and i was the only child and all i said i said in every child you just want to do please people please your parents and stuff but we've we've become more famous um not famous as such but i did commercials i was on tv all the time and i went to a little local primary school and other kids didn't really like it i was on a colgate commercial i was doing different things i was in grange hill i was busy and i got bullied and i got bullied and i got bullied and i got bullied and i got beaten up all the time and all my hair cut off i cut off one of my plaques at school and it was horrific for me um and then my dad agreed to let my mom send me to full-time sport at sylvia young's and i think that's really just where i wanted to be so it was like all the other kids but what i hadn't spoken about to both my parents was always being abused massively within the industry um that's okay man it's hard um yeah and it was hard because at seven years old you don't really want to say to your mum and dad like i've never even seen my parents naked thank you for that to suddenly say that i'm being made to do this this is this thanks is it that bad i got a big towel um to say as my makeup smells there um i'm being abused and it was hard so it took me time i was nine years old to finally tell somebody in a position of what i would call power and i won't say who the people were that i told and i was told to be quite go to work i think when you get to nine and you're still a kid like you haven't even reached puberty and you've got people who have abused you day like not day in day out but like monthly a month out and jobs and and cabaret circuits and stuff and the other kids around you having the same and it's difficult it's really difficult and when you're told to just be quiet and go to work you want to please people because you don't want to make you look a liar yeah and i think you know those sort of people that do that to you know that kid you don't know that no shut up yeah i was groomed heavily groomed um and given alcohol from my eight years old i was getting my first line of coke actually i sold people in the press at 14 i take a coke in a club situation i wasn't i was giving drugs a lot younger and and other sorts of drugs as well to suppress me um whilst these things were happening to us um and i think when i went to sylvia young's it was normal for me to go there because i've been around a lot of kids that i've worked with that had happened to and god rest sylvia would go mad if she known that would happen to us because she done everything to protect us you know but we were told by people not to say and it was just very difficult and i knew i knew no different so at nine years old when you say that you learn real faster on your own in this world people can make their assumptions people can have their opinion but people need to understand how young you were when you started getting abused and grown for seven years old for getting drugs at nine years old people and i was giving drugs regularly yeah and and this understand people are groomers and it's goes on i think a lot more people are speaking out and if you're telling your story now a lot more people will come forward and have some strength as well so that takes courage that shows you that you are a fighter that shows that how far you've came in life everything that you've went through to where you are today it's just still fighting you're still kicking on you're still pushing forward and that takes courage and strength yeah i think it does but it takes it takes a lot of help as well from people and are helping it and um it takes to get to learn the word no is a powerful word and it wasn't a word i ever knew to say no i don't want to do something or no you can't do that to me or no i won't because i just wanted to please people so yes yes and then you know obviously so when i got to like i don't know whatever i was 16 17 18 or 15 16 or whatever and my friends are getting their first boyfriend and nights out and you know and they're having sex for the first time and it's all exciting and they're falling in love i felt nothing when it come down to it about having a first sexual encounter i felt nothing because i just in my head i departmentalized or somebody touching me with i don't know with abuse did you just shut it off i didn't feel anything yeah i felt nothing about it because that's how i dealt with it as a child because they'd numb me so much with different kinds of concoctions and and stuff like that so when someone first offered me a line of cocaine at 14 there was an older boy that i really liked who still to this day goes i feel so bad about it i would like you're still a mate of mine i'm like listen man you weren't really the first person it doesn't matter but you know and he said he's like who's whoever carried it for years i said well it's not your fault i've done it anyway and because it was something i recognized that i knew hadn't killed me i did it and it was you know it's the 80s you know and it was the thing to do then it was the yuppie scene of them with champagne and cocaine and obviously it went to eastenders and all of my friends were normal they were going to college and you know i'm bringing up my best mate on a thursday night from primary school then come out tonight i'm going to a party and george michael's going and she was like i kind of got to go to college in the morning i've just got my bus pass i really ain't got the money i'm like i'll pick you up i can't you know she's still my best friend today jenny i'll be lost devour but she was like damn i didn't know what to do i just saw you go you were flying with one thing you healed so many secrets back i got to a point a few years ago just rolling into big brother and i thought you know what i'm not going to be the keeper of secrets no more i'm an adult i don't have to be you know i got clean for 14 years in recovery after nearly dying but all my organs shutting down and i was like i did a 14-year recovery and i didn't show up you know yeah i was clean and sober i didn't pick up but that's all i didn't do was pick up i sat in meetings i never shared i didn't work a program i didn't have a sponsor i didn't i just looked good and i didn't show up and i did that because my husband was a multi-millionaire and it i could look good yeah were you scared to open up because you know it could have brought back all the emotions through being seven and eight years old no i was still that mindset of like outside when it didn't happen to me i didn't deal with anything i didn't do it anyway i hadn't actually found a therapist either at that time that i couldn't a manipulate and be that wasn't you know a clock watcher that could understand so and then i went recently on treatment i just over a year ago up in loot and i met a fantastic therapist michelle and she just stripped me and she every which way i try to wiggle out of it even sometimes about realizing she just went bang bang bang she walked my path so she should i still speak to her weekly now she's like she just got me i was very i've been blessed in the situations i've been put in i've been blessed in the positions i've been putting there's a lot of kids i went to school with at sylvia's that are no longer here that has hacked in their lives you know because of what they've been through and what happened to them was there other kids at your age getting abused then back then loads of us here loads of us have you ever spoken with each other was it kingdoms you know i'm still very good friends with a lot of people that i've like um i grew up with and worked with through the power i hate social media really funny enough um but uh only because i'm too accessible to people and i lose my temper with them my son says i have no filter with it but thanks to that i've got managed to contact over the years a lot of people and there's been times when i've been at my lowest that then people have picked me up because they've brought to my path all right they didn't become famous they didn't get the break i got but they still know what we went for we shared something back then and how they've dealt with it and moved on as [ __ ] with their lives and got on top of children and families and yeah you know there's no sort of psychologist or anything back in the day for such a young age to getting all that lame light from all your adverts all your tv work was anybody else no no no we were groomed and that was a lot of rewards the job wasn't working i told my dad when i was um she's gonna upset me now i didn't tell my dad about it until i wrote my second book because i was sat with a friend of mine used to work for mixed magma and he was writing my book for me and um i said to him you know i'm going to tell you that now i know where it's come from it's like someone's just come on me and said you need to speak about this i spoke about it openly and i spoke about um another thing that happened to me about being taken out my house held an apartment a place around the corner of here actually for three days and being continuously raped by three guys for somebody else's debt didn't happen to be home at the time when they knocked um and i spoke all about that in my book and uh my friend matt just sat down he didn't know what to say and he's like okay so i said listen before i do this before we finalize the book and put it in i and sit down in conversation with my dad so i mean i've never seen my dad stop drinking at night because my granddad bad elky um i'm quite violent so my dad had never seen that i put him for a lot of [ __ ] with my addiction over the years publicly that he didn't understand because he never knew any of this um i told my dad and then we've been telling my dad to move in yes the second i've been nine months of telling my dad he had six strokes many strokes he's got really bad dimension now and he sort of blamed himself because i never told him but i was told not to say yeah you're groomed man it's a caesar you've been through so much yeah if you've been through the wars you've been to hell not just one but in many occasions but first of all i keep coming back to it you show courage and strength and you're not the only one who's not being thrown out of so many people who i've spoke to and when they start speaking about it the people who they help even you're speaking about this and you're going to help so many people and it gives people a better understanding why you went down some of the roots you went down to block out the pain the misery blaming yourself thinking it was okay should've just says no it's not as easy as that when you're getting groomed when you're getting manipulated and abused by [ __ ] dirty old men so yeah and not just men over women as well it's not just men you know it's women as well and it's just it's just a frightening and that never really leaves you but it's just you just learn to get on with it and i think i've got extended so i'm so related to stuff and the bbc saved my life if i'm honest saved my life because i probably would have gone down a path of if i had not got into that shop and he would have gone down a path of trying to stay in this industry working in it with it probably would have ended up an addiction in in the sex industry or something like that i know i would because sex meant nothing to me and i would have ended up that way that's why you know i joined the only fan site as well because i wanted to re i wanted to make my own site because i'm trying to want to make if girls are going to work in that game i wanted to try and make it a safer place it's not all about being groomed and so i joined that and i've learned so much from that as well it's like i don't know i don't know where to start with it but i know my purpose is bigger than just being an actor yeah you know what i mean and a lot of people sit online and go to me and that's why sometimes i have to hand my social media over because i get so angry because i've got children as well and i'm like they're like well why did you never report him why have you been raped and never appointed it because why would i because when you're a kid and you've been told that at nine years old something in the back of my mind as stupid as it is says well no one's gonna believe you anyway yeah but don't even reply to those [ __ ] idiots man these are these are just mugs these these social media it's difficult because i do respond sometimes as well [ __ ] it but in life sometimes sometimes we are all sensitive we are all vulnerable and yeah if we were to go on their page and say the exact same [ __ ] that would crumble life's a funny thing nobody knows what the [ __ ] we're doing we're all winging it i don't know what the [ __ ] i'm doing i know what i'm doing but i question it same as yourself everything you went through the question what is our purpose why are we here nobody [ __ ] knows i think all people are so confused and go through addictions uh it's lots of things you know some people have eaten disorders some people have got manic depression and no two people are the same so no two addictions are the same and no two using the same but it's all relevant in that person's life and not to judge everybody else's on on how great our using was like i've sat in i've sat in in meetings and heard people go you know and i'll drink a bottle of wine a night and i've seen people snicker and i think i'm a freaking minute that's a massive thing to that person how dare you laugh at that person's like they're like basically saying you know what that's not an addiction get out there and use some more come back and use who the [ __ ] are you to say that that's if that one bottle of wine is ruining that person's life and they're in the right place in [ __ ] fair play it's the same people who throw who the same people post about mental health yeah they're all over the place and that has always been but they've got many more very well that's a reflection of them that's just a reflection of them yeah we at least we're out here trying we're out here trying to make the world please people out there losing their children to to you know cancer and leukemia and yeah and i think that that's that's traumatic to me that's true as a parent that's traumatic and you know i do feel for my kids and when i went on a big brother as much as you know my kids were like oh god how is she gonna be because i went in there doing 11 grams of gear a day ain't gonna lie no one knows that i was doing 11 bags a year a day and then i walked me through that [ __ ] door and went and my son and everyone just went oh god the calm down the fallout and i just picked up and went to work because it's here and i did it to say do you know what this is me this is who i am and that's where i was at i'm not going to lie about it that's what i was doing you know what i mean i came out of there and and my son went i'm so proud he hadn't seen him for four months and he came downstairs and the friends and family think i just fell apart it's great to see him my son's my best friend in the world i don't do anything about asking my son like like with advice work-wise and he's intelligent kid i'm proud of him you know i haven't given him an easy life or my daughter but an easy life but you know we'll protect my daughter a bit more because my son's older so she's more she's our princess but um yeah my son's been there for me when everyone else every single door's closed that kid's been there yeah that's the only thing when you're in the lane like it doesn't just affect you it affects everyone that's around you oh god again it grows it grows on a strength it grows and you become a mutant well but again you don't really become a music yeah yeah yeah you couldn't get two more different kids at the same freaking gene pool like he's doing really well in his old building i'm so proud of my brother but at the same time he's got a sister like me and it's like it's difficult for the life i've had and he does laugh at me he goes for god's sake what has she done now you know and he just said my sister i love you unconditionally you dealt with a bad hand didn't get thank goodness i'd what happened to me never happened to my brother i mean so he sees it for what it is and we're brought all grown adults now my kids see you know they understand but also you've got to come to a point in your life where you think i can't keep living there the past i can't keep living there and that trauma it's not happening to me today and thank god that we have got stuff being put in place for sex trafficking of children and people in general and it is being made aware of and people aren't i do know the signs and you know of what's going on in this world yeah you know it's no different to kids being sent out to do [ __ ] i don't know jobs that they shouldn't be doing at a young age in different countries it's like that's all trapped like using his child labour yeah what i was doing was troll labour just in a sex trade and it's wrong and i don't think any amount of money that i've earned in the world or you know and blessings that i've been given with television's ever going to take that pain away but it's given me a platform to be able to speak up about it at a time when it is current yeah as well see when you turned like six teens here when you get in eastenders you've got all the family attention because eastenders was at his peak then you're talking about we only had three channels on the television you know you're talking 15 million 20 million people watching was that did you think the more success you'd become the more you would forget about your pain um i just thought it was going to stop now because people can't do it to me because now i'm a famous one but i just knew that i was a famous person that wasn't going to be led into their circle to behave the way they did um and i think also that for me is a it's quite now looking back at it now 30 years on and with what's come to light in the press about all these pedophiles all over america england never know what goes on um you know i'm actually probably one of the dangerous people that they could have abused because i've got a big mouth yeah you've got the guts to speak out i have yeah but um you know i'm not a person i've written two books both in bestsellers i've never named and shamed anybody i've dated been out with any unashamed about my abuse i would never name me shame i've got every right to but where's that going to get me you know and where's that going to get my children where's that going to get their children or their grandchildren it's not the people that are in the right positions know who i've given my statement to people that are in position of power now that are doing something about it i've got it and that's enough for me but i would i've i've signed i think to say i wanted to keep my that personal you ever threatened or anything to keep your mouth shut i've got a lot of that stuff done to me i've been taken out of my house yeah when i was with brian harvey i got taken out of my house and he came home and he never saw me again it was a very very tough time very tough time and he's my brian really ill and luckily brian was never abused but there was a price on his head and i was getting married to him and the people that had the price on his head to be they wanted him in that circle and um they thought i'd tell him what i know so they took me out of the picture for a long while put me somewhere i shouldn't be and i had to sign my house and everything over time yeah because i know blind speak so even though otherwise people calling me crazy and they're naturally not yeah yeah he's really not and i've got a lot of love in my heart brian always will and um all he's trying to do is the right thing and he gets threatened and abused by people i think that's because of what he's seen with you no it's because he's trying he's trying to do the right thing and out these people that have hurt people close to us myself included and luckily they never got to brian so but he did lose his job and he's 17. because he went to do they'll discredit you yeah and i left my brain a prisoner in his own home and he's really sad because i know what brian's doing is the right thing people can call him crazy and say he's ranting everything else but i know what he's doing is the right thing and i have to be careful what i say was his listen brian i'll never work again i have to go to work but i'm also not a grass and anyone that knows me knows i'm not a lolly i'm not and i've dealt with my [ __ ] and i'm still lucky to be working i am and um i understand what he's doing but you know it's just sometimes it's such a dangerous game to be playing with yeah and he's only trying to do what's right yeah the people who are women who are trafficking children are the most powerful men in this country oh yeah they are but in the world actually yeah the voice of the but the voice of the people is a lot stronger if people unite people isn't it it's not because people go missing like this and they never come back that's just the way it is yeah we've uncovered a lot of stuff on here and we've made a documentary and stuff but and i'm a mother and i can't you know what i mean so for me it's like and i still need to work and you know i love working i love nothing more than playing san mateo it's my favorite thing to do so i mean it's i never feel more at home and when i walk on that square it's for me it's i'm alive especially when when barbara was there at the time and and that's a blessing that was a blessing to me baba been around she'd been around this industry a long time and and i credit barbara for me coming out the other side of a lot of things because she showed me how to sorry to jump onto something else but she showed me when i was in bad places with stuff she said she showed me how to be publicly facing and how to break down behind a closed door which i never needed to does she protect you barbara um barbara's always protected me bob takes everyone um barbara's a woman for me that can come for anything that life's thrown at her in life you know she went into this theater at a young age and hard for her from the east end of london and you know she struggled and she was little and she just she's talented and she's a tough bird you know i mean she's not frightened until i walked off and watched the program about last night a drama that they made about a life story it was it's interesting and uh she came back and she got to a point where she met scott and she was like she was doing one woman shows around the country you know she's gone from being a big staff and sparrows can't sing carry-ons and and then you just hit a point in your life you don't work for 10 years trust me i know i've just done it i mean it was a similar age and it's like and even stephen mcfadden goes don't even remind you sometimes that your life's just like mira's mother's because we do call them all so what do you mean you went you know gangster fellas you know he said are you like lifestyle gangster fellas you know young and then young toy boy blokes and i've been on your ass and i went listen if that's what i if that's what eight mirrors i'll be no one better to look up to than me yeah i saw what'll come good in the end how did the sam actual character start how did that how did you end up with the job in eastenders well you could see was one of two ways it could have been a payoff it could have been a blessing um i went for an audition there was 1500 people went up for sam mitchell for the bbc and channel 4 had just been launched it was brand new and was only on twice a week then i went for four auditions and my last one i remember finishing my history juicy putting my pen down i was like can i go barely when they only let me in for exams my name's something expelled because i was naughty um let me yeah go and i got to train up 12th street did my last reading they brought sid into reading who plays ricky um and they had a picture of the boys next to two pictures their headshots feeling grunt and they put mine in the middle and i had a big round face all i was missing was a bald edward and um you know and that was me and then i did that and i read with syd and then i got home on the train i've been through the door about an hour i lived in loudoun with my mom and dad and the phone wrong and i remember we didn't and we did have mobiles but they would have that big my dad had one and my mom would know silvia's on the phone she wants to talk to her i went in my mom's bedroom and i was on the phone we lived up in boulder right across the forest i remember looking out and she was like you need to sit down a minute and i married him and i've worked constantly from seven with amazing people but this was a big deal and uh she went yeah you got it i was like what she was like you got it you're doing it you start tomorrow at 10. i was like what [ __ ] they're biking your script now i thought okay she went nice one well done kids and silva's always been fantastic for all of us you know um i remember sitting down i just put the phone down i went ah started screaming my mum [ __ ] threw everything up in the air in the kitchen everyone come flying up and says well i'm doing it i've done it and everyone just went mad i mean and they were so pleased for me i went in the next day and i remember being so scared the first scene was in the square sitting on a bench with sid and i just look a ringer for me daughter does now and it was like so i mean i said look to me went yeah you do that was the first thing you went there you do that was it and then we'd started the scene and that was it the first scene and i went every time i go back we've still got day beau and a lot of our cameramen a lot of our people they're all the same and it's it's a great place to work i mean you spend more time together than especially now four times a week whatever the show's on spend more time than you do at home yeah so i love eastenders man i loved it but even though all the trauma and pain you've been through your life you've got you've still also got i've had some questions they're successful and your mom and dad must have been so proud for you at sixteen to one the biggest tv show was taking drugs i've been taking drugs for two years before that and they didn't even know bless him i mean my dad wouldn't know a lot of jumped up in the fight but shut up he had fun i mean my mum would have known but she hadn't done it um but my dad wouldn't have a closure i mean so yeah you know i was so happy for me so happy for me yeah and in a way it compensated for me inside that i could put to bed all that stuff are we taking gear on set was the middle of the first time i left yeah when me and she got married in it you can see it you know something then when they brought me back and we did stuff robin well got caught in bed with david wicks in spain bianca's dad um ricky and bianca caught me and then phil and grant caught all walked in on me with some beverage over wicks um i was ill then really ill really really freaking out nobody pull us aid and seal it get your [ __ ] together loads of people did all the people everyone know usually people don't really see everyone knew everyone knew was it every day then yeah and stevia and ross were really against it and that was well before barbara came in the show the hellfire when barr came in and i was under fire she was on me like she hates drugs that's yeah oh god yeah and she i'm rightly so like her and julie brown like played dart it's not their generation different things like when in their day people had a drink in a bar fight i mean so she just didn't get it and she couldn't see why i was killing myself ruining my life so when i got clean for 14 years and i was very close to barbara my husband and scott were good friends scots heavily into recovery our other half many years over 20 years i think now in recovery we used to do everything together the four of us yeah outside of work as well as with work and uh yeah yeah i learned a lot how was the fame that is the first three years you were on eastenders i [ __ ] i loved it did you you had a brand new avatar i was earning money i was freaking out i mean a loving life i mean i was i was working with dave stewart from arithmetics did a film for him in cannes film festival i traveled the world sis and i were just everywhere we went 30 million people watched us get married we grew up in front of the nation so when it came out about my addiction it you know back then with the president it was only four channels we didn't have sky we didn't have the internet we didn't have social media you know we just have red tops when it comes to the paper did you get a heads up before it came out as well yeah they have to let you know by six o'clock the night before they're running it because you have to be able to be given the right to reply unless was that three years in oh god no yeah three or four years in yeah i think you're about right because i'm that old i can't remember what were you thinking then me thinking okay i'm going to stop other that make your addiction worse um i [ __ ] myself if i'm honest because i was so full of my own self-importance in my own ego by that time you know i could walk or more and um yeah and plus i mean i had a famous boyfriend and i've been without the footballer and then i was with with brian for years and i went out with robbie williams and i went back to brian without robbie to piss you know my friends were like what the [ __ ] they didn't get any of it you know what i mean but i still wanted to be like my mates did you have two friends then i was a and your own my best mate julian and and cousin and and late we call him legs she's so tall stewart it's my like my kids like kind of cool not their god parents but just guys we've all been the same circle and they're still my friends today and even up until two or three years ago judy it was ginny and cousins joe that got me together and put me in hospital put me in a min and add me sections what age two years ago just previously yeah when i stepped to see my stuff i was was ill cutting myself i cut on my own face here um i cut this bit of my face there i self started self-harming terrible burning myself with cigarettes and stuff i was in a bad place but you know you came over that again come out of it again but you know i'm not and today i'm not i took me seven years into a 14-year recovery determining god you know what i'll never use again and the minute my marriage broke down and everything fell apart mate i picked up that day i wouldn't even know where to find it but god did i find it i'm an addict that would think that anywhere i'll find it anywhere i want well i spent 14 years not having it anywhere near me but i still knew seven years down the line i don't know what switch was without seven years i was still so fearful every day for seven years using and i got comfortable and i had a lot of money around me my husband was on premier premier equivalent to be sold to eddie lee sold for millions i mean and he got clean and sober with me he was a great he was a great strength and ally to me yeah amazing man you know i mean i love him to be it's like i wish him nothing but goodness but you know we just fell out of laughing that [ __ ] happens yeah that's leaf minus something yeah i mean i just recently got divorced after 19 years we've separated since 2015. and we just only got divorced like two weeks ago it's cool and everyone's like oh where did you get your divorce i said nothing we went on dot gov dot uk filled our forms out put it back and forth and we split it's done what did you get out of it nothing i walked into that marriage with two carrier bags and my son just because he had millions i never did today's work in his company i'm not entitled to take anything from him my children have grown up what's he gotta give me nothing he gave me everything he gave me my life he put me in that many treatment centers so for me you know why would i don't don't marry someone to see what you can get what if it don't work out how did you meet i met him at a boxing event and michael greco took me to who plays pepe are you still alone at that time oh god i was freaking terrible oh lucky i even got there just right was he on it as well with that thing oh yeah that's how you smell it i meant this and then he had disposable income and plastic car company and car company in the in the uk so i mean so we had black fleets of blacked out limos and it was all like crazy like i was like wow i thought i was in casino like ginger i thought it was like ginger because you know you know i was like adam back bags i guess everything i wanted and then the first time i'm starting to see him hey he's really good-looking okay um but yeah like i met him and now at the first i met and was at me langham's for something he called me called some meeting or whatever um about something and he gave me my own car account and steve mcfadden knew where he was and steve's like don't be messing with him you know you're going to [ __ ] fit i'm going he'll be fine don't worry sweet i've got him right where i need him and i did anyway so we've gone to this meeting at langhams and then once in terms of end up in the atlantic bar i didn't know we had partly atlantic bar at the time you know part of it you know most the doors in london and ministry and stuff i didn't know any of this i didn't really give a [ __ ] and i remember saying to him i hate fellas that pulled all their money out their pocket like rubber gangsters doesn't it and he adjusted he was going to pay for a drink like pulling all the money out and i remember just slipping it in it but he had guys on different tables plotted up around it he was heavy at the time you know and it was like but he wasn't he owned a good company but in my in a persona and he's like i said well i'm not coming out with you tonight i've had these clothes on all day he's like where do you shop and me being the little sly little addict i went newborn street did i [ __ ] i dropped him primark and he went there you go just give me like seven grand to go shopping with and i was like i love you that was it so i mean because he wanted to impress me at the same time and we just hit it off and i just told him exactly where it was to the you know we were right it was my ride or die and i was he's right i died and we just grew up and got out of it did he understand he got me then he got there and he's dealing with and he taught my kids for the protection for somebody who he was heavily he had a lot of people work through collective money and stuff and i was well heavily protected at all times and i think when you come from a place where you've got people still on you from your past nothing to do with drugs to do with that circle and you've got a young child and you're fearful you just want to kill yourself he's like to have someone that's got a lot of people that work for him a protection i was safe and he made me feel safe and he said to me listen i know you're not in love with me but i love you and i was straight of him i said listen i'll be honest with you i'm not in lovey i fancy you i fancy you a lot i don't and we were together and everything i said but i love you but i'm not in love with you and he said but you will be come in love with me and he kept going on about me to marry and marry him and i said listen i'll be honest if i'll marry you to give my son a better life that's exactly what i did and he accepted and i fell in love with him and then i fell in love with him i did as as time went on and things happened i fell in love with a guy i did and then as we got older and the kids grew up we fell out of love that's life that's the way things happen and you know and everyone thought i had to run off of all his money and i'd have affairs and he didn't and we were solid but we just grew up and fell out of love so that life he was giving you the protection the security no because i still thought even i was an absolute walking about ravaged mess that i was the bollocks but i wasn't but you know and and he loved me and he nurtured me and and i was lucky for that but we both just ended up with a lot of stress and pressure along the way falling out of love and that man's never ever called me a c-unt he's never raised a hand to me he's been nothing but good to me and even within our split it was an amicable split it was cool i didn't take a penny off him at all because i came in with two carrier votes i'm a kid and i said if ever i leave you'll walk away with nothing it's exactly what i did and he's on good terms now we haven't spoken but you know that as i'm wearing and my daughter gets married she's with her fella and one day they'll get married and there's no need that we don't have to [ __ ] think no no i'm happy with his partner and everything and i just want him to be happy same as he does to me you just got divorced two weeks ago yeah after being separated since 2015 or whatever why are you so long i'm just very important i don't want to get married i know what he's doing with his lifestyle i know who he's he's got a partner and he's with someone um and i'm happy for them but obviously they don't never really come up good but at least she's got a beautiful daughter wrote it so yeah and she's cool and he's a great dad but you know i might and he took my son on board and my son you know my son's obviously got his dad no one will ever be his dad but his dad but kevin was a stepfather tim was great to him i got my gorgeous stepdaughter as well you know and we had a lot of good times and family times and wow the man showed me the world you know we had a great life together and i said i held him up when he had a lot of stress within business and so a lot of good memories from all good memories the beautiful thing about life it's no matter how much fame and money are that as an illusion that is all [ __ ] it's about the memories yeah memories is what you remember and he paid for me to have a lot of treatment and a lot of therapy and a lot of other things and he was kevin's very deep person and he understood me how complex i was and he helped me understand that and he educated me about a lot how many rehabs have you been in oh quite a lot now you're asking me i think about nine some places some places twice when they'd be back so after these things the first three years what happened does he get sacked because of the drugs when like racism first time the very first time [ __ ] um no i just left i left i left and joined itb why did you leave i left to work with terror for spawning frank stops promotes for two years and i went to itv before they started their golden handshake deals obviously um and then i went from there flew back i went back to eastenders and then by the time i went back to eastenders i was really freaking out how hard was it to watch somebody else play your part i was happy for that i just got into recovery um i got recovery in the march had my daughter in september one my son back from custody from the high court in november um two days for his easter birthday um and i got moved house in the december and i got married on the 27th of december here around the corner in chelsea harbour we hired the conrad hotel and had got married there and they they called in the end of january and they were like listen we're bringing sam back but obviously you had a lot of trouble on blah blah blah and obviously with my nose and my face and everything how do you feel about that i think it was john yorke i'm not sure daniel's great was one of my he used to be a prop boy when i first started he wanted to boss his neck now john's call he said listen danielle when i used to talk to you about myself and we are thinking about recast and i said well i'll be happy for you to read caster i said because i can't put anything in front of my recovery i've got a daughter that's like nearly six months old and i've only just this is the longest clean i've been since i was 13. i was like i can't do it john and he's like i'm really glad you said that because we really would like to recast for the minute for your own safety your safety obviously is paramount i know it hasn't looked that way over the years but we were all new to the media and addiction of it because life changed at quite a pace back then and the bbc is the bbc you know and they protected me as much as they could but they didn't understand a kid like me and the way media moved fast i know how much attention sid and i got publicly new to them as well um and i said yeah whoever it is i wish them all the best and and thank you very much so many times have you been back to eastenders and then i went back i went back after 10 years of being out the show i came back who was that i absolutely loved it yeah i was only meant to be there a couple of months ended up staying nearly six and doing dance on ice alongside it but i had already we'd already planned i had a home in california southern california and the kids moved over before because i was still working so i wasn't going to stay full-time um and i finished dancing and i literally did the final the week before the final i had to be there for the final and the final finished and two days later i flew back to cali do you think you ever go back to eastenders i went back after that as well i've been back twice you've been honest um yeah i think i will they're talking about someone's talking to me in a minute about a return but i don't know how true or false it is um it's my 30 year anniversary since the day i joined the show um yeah i'm a different person today a very different person and i think and also i think the show is missing um people to play matriarchy like when i joined there was pauline pat you know people a lot of them all are peggy all them older characters see sharon's only got so many people to play against like sharon and kathy although they're related because of me and did it so yeah i think and her and sam have a lot of a lot of history sam hates sharon the actual family his family on eastern doesn't it was slate is quite big the brandings are quite big and i've got and i've got a baby with you with jack he's like the best looking thing in it so yeah that's a the when you think about it being 30 years ago does that do you go [ __ ] me where did it go oh [ __ ] i've had 104 i am 104 but like in my head sometimes i feel like i'm 18 but i'm not but yeah no i do what do i want to go back to eastenders yeah it had to be right for me have to be the right thing for me because obviously i've walked away from everything starting again well you're using every time you were on eastenders no no wasn't it before yeah i was clean when i went back after ten years i was cleaning over for the whole thing just because it's like maybe you get the older female attention again then that's an excuse too it wasn't it wasn't anything it wasn't any of that i relapsed when i last relapsed it was because of a marriage breakdown and because of a few different things in my own weakness what was america like i loved california i had my own dog rumors i went over there in her shower barking and palace i've seen one called doggies they always she was funny yeah i was barking and punished it was all done like i had doggy daycare and stuff but i learned to groom dogs i love animals i love the outdoors i like i'm i'm really loving my major yeah yeah i like the horses i i love nothing better than having a small holding so for me and plus part of me for only being travellers i brought up around horses now a lot of my life and dogs but yeah um and that's my thing i'll be quite happy with like a double lodge in the middle of nowhere i mean i know you're feeling good you've got plans for the future yeah i mean i've got a few things to do my son and i are thinking about writing a book um about my relapse basically it's therapeutically because um from where he is because obviously he had me for 14 years clean and then he was a young adult when i relapsed and uh i was going to do a chapter about my relapse how to build up to it how it happened and the fallout and the book was going to be about that and then going back into recovery and as i do a chapter half a chapter i'll do the other half he'll do from his point of view as a child of that addict and how it felt and the anger and the anguish and how the things and how he saw me when i was using and what my states were my psychosis states and everything and how i saw it because i thought the world was against me and that i was lashing out and smashing things up and doing it because they were violent towards me and stuff it wasn't it was because wormy addiction have escalated so far if you like but so we were going to do a book like that together and i think it would help a lot of people give the proceeds obviously to a charity for children of addicts and stuff yeah definitely people need to get a better understanding of addiction and trauma and pain and the world's in turmoil just now as it says a lot of people in the winter time i think it will be even worse the dark nights do i believe in that i still don't know i don't know what i believe i know i know it's brought mental health to a head massively in this country couple that with the recent exam results and that for kids i mean i'm surprised the suicide rate hasn't been through the roof thank god it hasn't been 250 rising suicide since the corona by this there's a lot of pressure on kids now with social everybody's got photos on their photos and you've got the best looking girls using photos why my little girl does a blog actually on hers and uh and she speaks really and she's got a good following she's a good looking kid i know everyone says that about the kids she is i know she has got like a dream last half a fella is a formula 2 driver and i've been together since i was four the kid's been for a lot she didn't see me for five years because of my own illness she lived with her dad um how did that affect you terribly i used even more just wanted to kill myself hating myself even more and tell me something was like listen you have got two kids here and i'm sitting there holding you up i'm a kid and all you know so it's hard but you know it's tragic style i wasn't going to get ready until i was ready there's been times i'm still not ready um but at the same time it's like for me i look at my daughter and she's done a thing the other day and i'm proud of her i was like wow she come on there and she just said listen i used to sit here and cry tell me mum and me now and why don't i look like that person but i've got stretch marks and i've got this and she just sat there and she just showed her stretch marks on her belly and she went i'm i'm just me and it's okay to just be you and you have to look like these people standing in life and she talks massively about it she does a lot of she works for a big pr company in town and um she said you know i work in promotion and pr and it's all about selling a brand and actually working in that industry has helped me realize that i'm selling a brand and um that we're just a person we don't have to sell ourselves into the life it's not going to change our lives it's not going to make us any happier and she said on there actually [ __ ] at the times my mom was clean and sober and the most money she's ever had in her life security three million pound house [ __ ] private plane to go anywhere in the world with my ex-husband did anything i wanted i used to go online that car three days later i'd have one you know six cars to choose from on the drive and stuff she went and i used to watch my mom cry herself to sleep at night because she just couldn't understand why she was unhappy she said because it was mental health yeah she said what she got from lots of different things that happened and she just speaks openly on her blog and says you know we all have issues and it's okay but we need to speak yeah fair play like i said private planes and money big houses it don't mean [ __ ] if you ain't happy you know what my kids say as well my kids don't you know what mom and when you split up with dad and you did your stubborn [ __ ] and end up in a hostel and everything she went and he was running an extension lead under the door to nick the electric out of the hallway and we were sharing pot noodles and [ __ ] because we had nothing because i was a raging freaking coke head selfish as it is she said we used to lay in bed to three of us freedom with our dog she said burping should i support the alphabet and make kyla and it was them things i remember she said but you go for all the times when we've had [ __ ] 10 grand birthday parties and stuff when i can't remember after them things so but we laughed you know what i mean when kevin started his business up again and he's driving a [ __ ] van and taking the call and all that after hitting his on his ass as well mike's husband she went off this saturday with dad next time and that's what my kids remember and it's how you come out of it the other side which makes you who you are well you're saying and we're always going to have obstacles you're going to have many more it's just like this is life but you seem in a better mindset where you can handle them a bit better do you know what meditation helps me a lot how many things you made with it many times in blood you need to but i definitely it's the first thing i do when i wake up and i would never go to bed about listening to her meditation ever um i'm really into miraculous i mean to me spiritual with veganism yeah intellectually amazing my good friend jody scott's girl my jody's name's after she uh she does all my reiki for me and she introduced me actually to a guy from peru it was a spiritual guru guy that released entities from me about all that stuff then i thought it could be anything but just not addiction um but yeah like the reiki i do a lot of yoga i'm looking kai is actually looking to come with me jody's not feeling the love for it really to go for a month to india to a detox and yoga camp and a reiki camp because i said he'll come with me searching for something naturally energy's freaking loving james instead of the external stuff this is music working with finn and listen you change the way you think you can change the way you feel you change the way you look at the world speeding myself everything is different i always say it but the brain only repeats what it knows so but you can change yeah you can change the neural pathways you can change huge thing all the [ __ ] it takes 28 days to form it and to break it you do something for 28 days every day it becomes a habit consistently though consistently and what happens is in the brains which fire together wildly do something consistently it creates that and the subconscious mind they'll flip that and see all the cravings and all that stuff other than people that do have to have a rattle and stuff i get that but see me like i said i walked into big brother i was doing 11 bags a day my head was shot but the minute i woke up the next morning all i've known from a child is work and i woke up the next morning it's what sets me apart from fat being real reality tv people of what is introducing seven years old i know it inside out upside down you know i know when to pull a stump with a press i know when you're having a slow news week for a set of pictures out i know how to sell pictures i know what to do with this industry and i make no bones about is how i've made my money so i've fed myself you know and i look at it and i walked into that house and the minute i opened my eyes in the morning that first 30 seconds of me sometimes you go and i thought yeah i'm at work go to work and there were days i was clucking i ain't going to lie i was days when i could die for a bit i just sat in there and i'm not work work's always coming first mask comes on you know how to play the actor yeah but now today i like to reach out for help and luckily for me darren day was in the house and johnny partridge both of them have been a lot of recovery and i used to just talk to him darren day's one of my best mates in the world and um you know i can speak to jesus about anything i'm very lucky today i've got people within this industry that have walked the path i've walked if i've been knocked down by the press and that because of their own stupid mistakes as well and um they get me and don't judge me for [ __ ] yeah because you've got to define big brother did you start using as soon as you get out yeah same night yeah same night well straight out and all the load again my son just looked at me what the [ __ ] are you doing i was like i didn't know i'd know zero remorse or respect or it's where i was at yeah i didn't know i was spiritually and another thing i'd not been on my own since i was 15 years of age i've always been in a relationship in the last 18 months two years have not been and you know what it's been like it's been a breath of fresh air but that's where you feel on my own yeah that's where you find yourself because too many different people around you too many different energies you you try and adapt to everybody else and say they're sitting in your own comfort zone with your own thoughts and it's a dangerous place to be as well it is and you know what i put myself in the last year in some shitty whole situations man that i shouldn't be in and sit there and i think what the [ __ ] are you doing westbrook sometimes i got a thing and someone sent me a quote out of nowhere someone on twitter just sent me something i don't know who it was sent me this one i thought you might needed this today and then left my page and it just said it had a picture of a lion and breathe it like roaring and it just said take a deep breath and remember who the [ __ ] you are and i've got it and within two days i've packed my bags moved from liverpool back to london in a mad sense and then i went back to liverpool again but even so i need to sometimes reality checks and stuff i like i don't know for me certain things come up flag up at one time or another it's a spiritual hookup sometimes yeah you need to touch on self harming when was the first time you self-harmed oh god i first self-harm as a child after i've been abused how old uh i think about 12 11 11. a lot of people i went to school with used to eat soap and stuff to keep their weight down anorexic i just love food i'm never going to keep myself i you know i i read about that and then people were in pain with different things and then one girl said to me well i just i burn myself so what do you mean you burn yourself so i just burn myself it's hot and it bubbles and i remember seeing her thinking about thinking about it i was at home one day and my mom was in hospital with cancer i had so much [ __ ] going on in my head i can't remember the exact things if it's not correct 100 but i remember sitting there in the bathroom and just thinking [ __ ] it and i've got my dad's life my dad said a big old fat sippo lighter i know it could have been the worst thing i could burp myself with weren't like clippers and things but i was just holding it there and holding it there and it was on me i went over my mom it's on my leg here i've got a scarf for it you know and that was that i thought okay what'd you do that for what i mean i know i remember it bubbling up and going yellow and over i panicked about like then about three days later i'd say to my dad's mom's hospital dad i burped my leg with a kettle climbing up to get sent by the kettlebell and it's burnt on me like and he looked he was like what the [ __ ] is that took me straight to the hospital i remember seeing the shock and he was like why don't you tell me it's like gone septic and stuff didn't do it again for many years and then when i was with brian and i was in a lot of pain i hired my addiction back then the first time um and he was away all the time australia touring about weeks at a time i sort of burned myself by myself by myself all the time i've burnt i've burnt lumps out my face i've cut my i've cut my face here i've picked cups here i've cut all over my face i've got i've got scars all over me from cellphone but like especially on my arms which i never used to do moms and in the last 18 months i've done a lot still till i stare yeah not so much to this day i don't do it now just wait i've done it one day today i've done it for probably about four months that shows that you're getting stronger then yeah i lost been learning march my dad's dementia and stuff and a lot of things i hate crying so i'd be like i'm going to be why are you crying look at someone ugly but yeah i'll still do it sometimes i don't realize i'm doing it i just do it so when you get about a throne about a pain you go and self-harm to try and make yourself feel better i don't always know i'm doing it i'll be upset and i'll just do it yeah sorry if you're lost because i know your old boys get dementia as well been speaking quite a lot the last few weeks yeah yeah listen you can throw it's it's life [ __ ] it's not self-inflicted [ __ ] it's like adult [ __ ] but yeah that asian people start dying it's just natural and it's just being on i reach out today there's people i can speak to there's always been people i can speak to i just didn't want to reach out i just wanted to use it where was the first time you went to the hub i first went to rehab in to do without and jolly actually put me through got in touch with someone and uh they put me in the chat nightingale when i was [ __ ] after i first left eastenders the first time after itv i went back to recently the second time and i came away to do when i put me in real for a little while what was that like oh i thought i was just a horrible little [ __ ] i didn't want to talk to i might and my counselor was scottish actually he was a great guy and um he was a good guy and i threw tantrums i wanted to be thrown out i tried to run away all of that [ __ ] you know i mean i just didn't i just didn't want to be there i thought it was better than everyone else you're only young i was the greatest thing since last breath i just look at everyone girl oh my god these people are drug addicts which sorry you love but i didn't see it like that um i just didn't want to be there i wanted to be out partying when did this really start to take its toll when people could we started noticing okay she's like brian and i was locking myself in the house and self-harming and doing like probably just over an hour and a half a week to myself indoors get like pain in the freaking milkman through the letterbox and [ __ ] and taping up windows and you're getting paranoid apparently i was like six and a half stone when they put me in the way at that time when did the nasal septum when did that start going that went on right before i got married the last like that massive time when um no one would fly me to arizona obviously cheryl barrymore was my agent and michael's wife she tried everything to get me everywhere and kevin my husband i was three months pregnant with my daughter in that time i was banging all sorts i was like doing coke doing crack doing all sorts of stuff um and i was bad and then they said to me and i started having fits all the time and my son was freaking out right now i was crying come on no i didn't get back to this through under three and he remember trying to use towards trying to put mars bars in my mouth and he used to scream and scream and scream so somebody in my block was ringing and i try and get in and ring ambulances and stuff and i had overdosed in cheryl browner's house instead hope music around the corner um and he ran up to some cheryl my mom is blue and i was down in her basement in her apartment down there and she went into her in the other part of the house and said my mom's blue and he was nearly three years old um well they call me an ambulance and stuff and she was wary about calling me a private ambulance obviously because it was me um i was pregnant with jody i was three months pregnant with jody and i was freaking ill and then all my organs were giving up and they said to me in about six weeks to live i didn't give a [ __ ] i did not give a [ __ ] and um she was like oh and something's got to give her so she got on to beat you my counselor and other people and dr brenner was a head physician at the priory at the time and like the priority like listen we've had a rear five times we really can't help her it's out of our control really is so that we're right the last thing is cottonwood went to arizona i'd been to betty ford um i went to arizona and i was going to tell but i don't need to go to treatment i need to go to champions still completely gone in the head i thought a health phone would do it for me and um she went no you need to go and not want airline to fly me every time she went to book they were like no we won't fly because it was all over the press that i'd overdosed and i've been on a show called the priory funny enough and i was absolutely [ __ ] up my head on it and she showed it back to me she was like this is what you look like and i was about six don't wet pregnant three months pregnant as well and uh you know i said my mum near enough for a breakdown and and stuff and i said all right i'll go and the only person that would fly me was richard branson virgin it's the only people thank god for him because he and they flew me there but even on that flight kevin got the guy that used to be look after us security luke big guy to take me and [ __ ] he ended up shackling me to the streets to the seat halfway to la because i was in first class i was abusing him on the phone with the credit card machine i bought everything from duty-free and i went in the toilet and had a cigarette everyone's laying in their bed to sleep in first paid a fortune and the stewardess is knocking on there miss westbrook are you smoking in there and i opened the door of a cigarette i went yeah what are you going to do open the door and [ __ ] throw me out the lane you're not i was horrible why did no deal fly yeah because they knew only had six weeks to live it'd been all over the papers morgans were shutting down they didn't want to fire me without was shooting i'm going to go over and die on their plane on their airline and uh they actually got the captain radio through so controlling them they were going to get me to lax turn me around and send me back and extract me from the states and it got up to their head off at the virgin and they said no don't do that so give her the benefit of that if you have to shackle her and and then ask luke to give me valiums and everything else that he had with him just to let me sleep until i get to la and that's what they did and thank god they did it's difficult as well if you've got addiction problems obviously it's hard to take never mind being splattered all over the place but i use that to my advantage money from it yeah i used it to my advantage you know i i i got money for it right up until well not so much when i was married because i was married i didn't need the money kevin had a lot of money so and when we did our wedding was okay magazine like we gave all of that to a drug charity we were sober then um but even up until the last time i went in treatment i was doing pap pictures churning out pap pictures freaking daily with absolutely zero self-respect just to pay for my habit yeah i mean it was only thanks to jeremy intervening on jeremy kohl's show that that got me there just because jesse's my mate i went listen this might help me no more i'm bang i wasn't real between three days was there ever that time you went to rehab and fought right i said i'm going to really give it a try here it changed my life arizona yeah and the last time i went just recently other than that i'll be honest if you know not once i went for everybody else yeah the 14 years were off how are you feeling um i was all right i was i was happy to be cleaning this up i didn't crave it once at all but i had everything around me i needed and i was happy and i had a brand new baby and i was your life was great and anything i wanted i had my own parking spot on selfies and things that were so important to my materialistic little life i had um but i still felt empty i felt soulless and i couldn't understand it and i didn't realize my mental health you understand that a bit more now i've really researched it yeah my son's great advocate for research and freaking everything so you know i've done a lot of work and obviously finding this counselor michelle at pcp that i found um she's funny now enough at the priory i work with her and and she just opened so many doors for me with mental health and explained you know i've i take medication from bipolar for um oh yeah that curtain i've had medication for bipolar i've got schizophrenia borderline schizophrenia but um borderline personality disorder so many different things so my different labels how many different strands yeah when i when they diagnosed me with that first of all in america i was like oh it's american jargon i love to box everything off you know everyone's on tablets in the states you know valiums and everything else and xanax and but no man i needed money for medication yeah you've had that heartbreaking story as well heartbreaking life tough upbringing but you're still also successful and everything you've been through you're still here fighting and i always say if you've got in your lungs you've got something to give now you're going to help a lot of people through addiction who's been abused yeah and now you're standing here fighting you're standing here telling your short story that shows strength that shows guts it shows courage you're clearly a fighter you don't want to give up or else you wouldn't [ __ ] be here listen you can't keep something as well if you don't give something away yeah you know and that's why i think i didn't keep my recovery the first time i didn't give anything away i kept it all for me and it wasn't the team as new though just time is now do you know what i don't know what i'm going to do or where i'm going to go and i've got lots of different things that come in my path um but something's going to happen and i can feel it and i know it's brewing and it i feel stronger and i feel strong enough to do it i want to go back to work i'd like to go back to eastenders even if it's only for three months just to just to round something off for me i'd like to go back full time for a few years really and take over the vet do you feel as though i rush though um i think i was a risk now i'm not at risk and i have no baggy driver now in the way of like um fellas and boyfriends and husbands i'm just me and the dog were you a sex addict was i yeah do you know what no i wasn't because i used to put sex as i said i felt nothing with sex for years but i used sex as a manipulation tool and i still did right up until i last went to recovery yeah be honest if i did i used to get off on it then there's a new chapter for you your divorced you're clean you're sober yeah i'm happy you're feeling good you're not self-harming you're speaking openly and honestly yeah i'm using the tools that i've been given and i'm using the god what god's given me around and i've learned today what's really important to me is feeding myself and i won't take a decision or an offer of work or even where i'm going to live from it even what i'm doing that week sometimes if somebody's inviting me to do something i'll say i've been kind of going mum and you need to start making your own decisions here so i'm like but guys you think that's good for me to go out and be around him like i've been together for the whole summer with a friend of mine who does massage and all that and then do this freaking whole not holy but like a spiritual thing and i went listen i know it ain't gonna be spiritual for me one trip to ocean beach i'm gonna be right there on the freaking lp army and i'm going to be partying the whole summer can't wait to climb so i'm going on this spiritual typically when you're going to try beefa for a season spiritually he's like i've heard it all now he said you might as well get a gun and stick it to your head because you're coming back in a box he said you're nearly 47. you haven't got that many ghosts around left in you he said for god's sake he said i'm starting to wear finn now and he was right and i went you know what when you put it like that you're right kid you went mum you know you're gonna have a trip to ocean beach you're not gonna be able to help yourself because you're going to be surrounded by people in your party lifestyle that are going to chew you up he said and that'll be you done so obviously i think like code would happen anyways thank god but not thank god but you know what i mean does can you drink quiet very really has a drink he smokes but um yeah i'm you know my daughter don't my daughter can have a drink but she don't take drugs you see ross kemp saved your life as well ross and stevie both helped me how come ross didn't uh on a seat not saved my life so much but he um i passed out once at the top of the stairs in the vic and hit the deck back because i was just constantly would have that thing with coke where i was doing that much and then i was gouged like that out with stuff where i needed to have a line i'll be up for days and i would gouge out really bad um almost like hearing that glitches out and i should be like that bad with drugs um so the blocking of what was blocking the shot and i just went over ping gone down but i fell from top to bottom of the stairs on the vic and ross just caught me like that and he hold me in his hands and they said um come over from the top board on the mic like that press the button pick her up and make her work and ross just looked and stevie's just i just remember coming to and seeing steve steve always worries me anyway he can make me cry like that steven fat and he's got that he's got that look about he's like a big brother and he went no i want and i remember being in his arms like that and barb was only little like that offered for his armpit and she looked up at the two of them like that and i went no we're not doing it she's healed the kid's ill she's [ __ ] ill he said she needs an ambulance to get her an ambulance she's always overdosing and they said make her work and he said if i'll stand down and then a couple of the crew and that will stand down that cost back then it costs 250 grand a day to make his tenders no one stands down your work they love me that's a good thing though that's a great thing and that shows you your character yeah you know yeah that shows you your character that you're very well liked you're very well respected i was dying yeah as well i was overdosing you're still in good contact with a lot of people ross you got all stung by washington like the other day really bad sent me a little message rush is cool he's out there doing stuff i'm so proud of him i've spoke to stevie for ages actually but um i normally go sit try to get to see him in pants i was gonna try and get seven pounds her last year i didn't get around to it but stephen barber i spoke i saw a bar just before the corona happened i went around to see bar and i'm hoping now it's a bit clearer i'll speak to scott now i'm back in town i'm back down from liverpool in a minute um i love liverpool yeah i just love it oh best place i love pearls and nuts it's like that i just love scarf and i just love these scouses that love your show yeah they love you they love you all on the phone so we are doing his show they're [ __ ] all crazy did you know what they are they're real yeah they're just real people and they'll do anything for you i love them and i love living up there and i just never a bunch of more really people and my pals there and yeah it's very scary yeah how was it talking about all that bring back a lot of emotion for you yeah i've worked a lot on it with michelle with my counselor and uh don't get me wrong james i'm not gonna lie i'm not a perfect girl i'm never gonna be a perfect girl i'm always gonna make mistakes i'm only human um but i do have a tendency to pick myself up dust myself off but i've conscious today that i didn't have before because i was carrying other people's and today i have my own and um without being rude people say a lot of things about me whatever and you know what we're all judges are people no matter who we are sit at home we watch the footy and i think i'm the manager of the team or i watch the boxing i think i'm freaking you know i mean i i'll try getting there and do it not but you know we're all judge people to a point and that's okay but today you know other people's opinion of me i had to lose the ego along with a lot of things because the ego is what helped back my fear and i love thinking about the past and stuff and today the only people's opinion of me that counts is the people i love other people's opinion don't pay my bills and um you know and if i think i've hurt my kids or the people in my closet cows and legs or my genie and that are people that are very close to me and that breaks my heart everyone else is like i don't set out to intentionally upset people but people are going to talk about me good or bad shall not but people need to understand what your story is and what your background is if they want to then yeah and i think you're phenomenal i think you've been sitting here the show's currently quite phenomenal yourself don't worry come on now what you're doing is is phenomenal and for what you've came through and the success you've had as well as much as we can touch on all the [ __ ] pain in it's still very successful you know what i've had a great life from work with some of the best people gather anything to have half of the success you've had i'm blessed i always continue to be blessed you know yeah and my journey's just gone this is only starting and the best years of your life for a headache that's the past me and you baby yeah yeah yeah [ __ ] yeah that's all the past let's go on about the future let's go on about what's your plans for the future tell me as mad as it is you know what i don't know take it david there no at the minute i've got a few things coming my way and i just think i'm not actually even i'm not fast i don't get excited about it i'm excited about booking my trip to india and doing my reiki course and doing my stuff with detox are excited about traveling with my kids and maybe doing this book i don't worry about the contact with eastenders and if it's going to happen it's going to be happening tom they're on set doing it ain't happening for me but i've got a lot of things you know people ask me to do different things i just think there's a plan out there for me and it's coming towards it every time i get myself in a pickle worried about it and planning it don't come off but i know it's a massive change in my psyche the last six months come around and i've woken up to it and i'm not quite sure where i'm putting my roots down what i'm doing or where i'm going but i know it's going to be a huge change this time next year i'm going to be a very different person to what i am today and i positively hugely good i love that she's usually i've tried testing your success shows that but again when you've got that vulnerability of being honest and autumn and i know even on as a in therapy that's where you opened up and then it's kinda changed yeah that's i'll release for you bottling all that shut up and releasing it all get your book out i'm not ashamed of it i do want my [ __ ] you shouldn't be and i think people watching this will understand a bit more i know your story's been there for years but you've never really been in and just had a normal conversation without things getting twisted without things getting edited not five minutes not ten minutes it's just you yes you are [ __ ] up but we all are you know and i think that's why me scout pals love me because i'm an absolute crank they're like westy man you're crazy but i am and i'm like do you know what i've never felt the last year more accepted by a bunch of people than i have been yeah with my friends there as well and um they've just loved me they've just picked me up and loved me and i've got a good mate of mine up there amy and you know i love it a bit and she's just been a great friend to me yeah you know it's amazing and this is only the beginning and for you coming on today and listen as much as beauty let you tell your story you're still bringing yourself on you're a big name to come on my show as well i'm obviously excited so nervous to come yeah so it's amazing i get shine embarrassed i do you should have seen us on the [ __ ] coke though i hope that you won't shout out um no for coming on today i i really appreciate it and i genuinely are written for you and i wish you all the best for the future and i can't see you wait to see what you're doing i think you're going to do big things i hope to see you in a table again yeah yeah yeah but thank you for having me on an absolute pleasure i love you babe speak to you soon thank you check out more of my podcasts on the right and be sure to like share and comment your thoughts on this week's podcast thank you

Channel: Anything Goes With James English

Views: 698,411

Keywords: #Podcast

Id: NUfW2TWaeAk

Length: 80min 9sec (4809 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 13 2020