- Hi, my name is Maaz, and ever since I was a child, I think I've been
ashamed of my brown skin. Now, I've been wanting to
talk about this for so long. Not only had I been tinkering away with this script for over a year, but then I sat on it saying
that I'd release it next month, and then next month, and then next month and then next month, until another year had passed into 2020. So to say that it's been
difficult to share this story, or part of myself, is a pretty huge understatement. A part of it has to do with
the fact that I'm not the type to discuss serious topics
on this channel you know. I love making you guys laugh and it's an absolute joy to do that. But, I guess that's also made me afraid of expressing my own
deep rooted insecurities. So yeah, this video is
gonna be a little different but it's something that I
wanna make for myself first. And if it helps anybody else
along the way, then awesome. So strap in, put on your boots and let's take a trip
down racism memory lane. Ah, the beginning, February 10th, 1997. On this exact date, a
small Maazi chocolate boy, pops into the world ready
to take it on head first. My parents then raised me in Pakistan for the first year or so, following the Islamic traditions that they were accustomed to. And after a year and a bit, headed on over straight to Japan. It was mainly to get
the best quality of life for their new family, because by this time I
also had a little brother, before I showed him some brotherly love. So after spending a few years there and having a good old time
with Japanese culture, my parents then decided
to go to New Zealand for more opportunities. Some of my fondest memories are of my primary school years, while I'm having fun, drawing and goofing off as a young naive kid. So once I graduated from primary school, I headed off to intermediate, which is a fancy way of
saying middle school. When I got there though, the first thing that I
noticed was that the teacher was really harsh to me. And I mean, only me. It was almost like a movie cliche because she ended up not picking me for any of the answers, finding any excuse to punish me and handing out detentions
for the smallest reasons that she could think of. Now, at the time, whilst I knew English, I was still new to the country and I definitely had an accent. And I thought maybe it
could have been that. Like, she didn't understand
what I was saying, or maybe I did something by accident that made her view me negatively, or said something I shouldn't have. Surely, an adult wouldn't pick on a kid without a solid reason, right? It wasn't until much later that I learnt that she had
supposedly lost people, during the September 11 attacks. And of course, I can
understand the bitter feelings and resentment that may arise from that. It's a horrific incident that
traumatized so many people and definitely impacted the world. But, even when knowing all of that, it still didn't make life easier for the 10 year old boy, just trying to go to school. I was just sitting there trying to be the best student that I could be. I did my homework. I paid attention in class. I got excellent grades. So why was she being so mean to me? I didn't understand how
an incident so far away in another country, affected me, a 10 year old child, just trying to do my best. After that year, we then moved to rural, out in the middle of nowhere, Australia. With a very few people of color, and the brownest things out
there were the kangaroos. This was such a fresh start. I'm sure things will pick up from here. (laughs) Well, I definitely crossed
my fingers and hoped so, but with my faith and color of my skin, I couldn't help but
stand out from the crowd. I was the butt of all the jokes and I could tell from day one
that I did not belong here. But I wasn't gonna take it all lying down. I know I'm a Pakistani Muslim, and I refuse to be an
outcast because of it. So, I started to poke
fun of myself as well. Whoa, hey, watch out guys, don't make me call my uncle. What, wait, wait, are you eating pig bro? Guys, if you piss me
off, I'll blow you up. Yikes. And it actually got so bad that a friend of mine within
my squad at the time asked, "Hey dude, why are you constantly
making fun of yourself? You're doing it more
than us at this point." And I answered, without any
irony or emotional attachment, "Because if I do it first,
nobody else can hurt me." And I remember saying
that so matter of factly, as if it was only natural. And it's only now that I realize
how problematic that was. How much self hate that
I had been harboring for my own culture, religion and myself. It's not to say that
joking about these topics is forbidden or anything, 'cause I still do it from time to time. However, once you keep hearing
all these negative points about your cultural roots,
your faith and your people, over and over and over, you slowly start to believe them, to start hating yourself
on an intrinsic level, wishing that you belonged somewhere. And all of that is perfectly encapsulated within a letter that I wrote myself all those years ago. Now, to provide context
to middle school Maaz, this is how I looked. Now, I'm not gonna roast
my younger self this time, but I think objectively, you can see that there's a lot
that I could have worked on. I had pretty messed up teeth, I wore really oversized clothes, and my glasses were a
little out of fashion. But back then when I asked myself, what is the one thing you
wish you could change? I looked in the mirror
with all of the flaws that I had just listed, and answered, "My skin color." That still gets me to this day. I was in middle school. Puberty, emotions and hormones, getting me confused about everything. And that's the biggest issue
that I could find about myself? Something that I had
absolutely no control over? And as the years kept going, I got more and more accustomed
to the jokes and comments, and developed my humor
as a defense mechanism. So when I do get hit with the brunt of it, I can laugh it off, shrug my shoulders and then
dish it back with confidence. All without resolving anything. At least this charade was
helping me in drama class, where it was all about putting on an act. And honestly, with how much media and drama I was doing, watching all these content creators, seeing how it all worked
behind the scenes, it was so mesmerizing to me. And in that excitement, I walked up to my drama teacher, relayed it all to him, to which he replied, "Remember that people won't
like you because you're brown." He said it in a joking manner, pointing out how few South Asian people there were in Hollywood, and how they were typecast
in a negative way. But, I actually agreed with his point. Because even now, if you would ask me to list
off as many South Asian or brown people in media, Aziz Ansari, Priyanka Chopra, Dave Patel, Kumail Nanjiani, Hassan Minhaj. And I had to rack my
brain to think of them when I was writing this script. Even with cartoons, in which you can draw anything you want, who could I look up to? What, Aladin, Apu, Bao
Get from Phineas and Ferb? This is what they thought
of South Asian characters? Because no matter how
well written they are, is that really the best that could be done to represent our culture? Really? What a yikes. And it may seem like a small
thing to some of you guys, but it all comes together to
reinforce a consistent message to people like me. You don't belong anywhere. You are the villain and people hate you for who you are. And you will always,
always, be an outcast. And that has been an ongoing issue that has popped up again, and again and again in my life. I have never felt like I belong anywhere. Even now, I still struggle
to identify with others. So when I would be hanging
out with my Western friends, we'd be having a good old time you know, sharing jokes and carrying
the banner and all that. But then they decided to go to a bar to crack open a cold one, and then wham, I get a harsh reminder that I'm different. And whenever I'm with my muslim friends, I'd have a great time. But, some of the cultural aspects of being Pakistani was lost, and the time that I had spent living in a Western environment, had instilled a more
liberal view towards things. So I felt like I didn't
belong there either. And that's why I always
get so, so excited, whenever there's a prominent
muslim creator online. Because we're just such a rare breed that I almost break all social etiquette to contact them and say, "Excuse me, you are really cool." - "Thanks." - "Weirdo." - I know it might sound sad, but I've had to embrace the
fact that I am different. I mean, I'd gone through so many schools, having experienced the
same motions and insults, over and over and over again, that it was the only natural conclusion. It wasn't even chipping
away or thickening my skin at this point, because to me it was now common place. Something that I didn't
really recognize as wrong for a very long time. And it got to a point where when something really awful happened, I would reflexively,
immediately joke about it. For example, there's a moment
that happened a few years ago that I can't help but keep coming back to. I was seeing a middle aged man as part of a routine medical checkup, and I told him that I was
gonna take his blood pressure. As is custom, I asked for his consent, which he said yes to, and I approached him. He then smiled, looked at me and said, "Yeah sure, as long as you
don't blow up the clinic." And I, without skipping
a beat, replied back, "Listen, mate, if you
hear me speak Arabic, you'll know what's happening." That response caused him to
start bellowing with laughter, all the whilst my supervising
doctors sat behind me, wide eyed, unsure of what just happened. And I stood there smiling kindly, but also deeply uncomfortable. I think about this incident quite often, replaying it over and over in my head to see what I could have done differently. Because what he said to
a medical professional, who was trying to help him, is definitely not okay. And I think most people would agree that it was at least racially insensitive. But this is where it starts getting gray. Would showing that I had
a good sense of humor, be better in the end? As he'll walk away
thinking more positively about muslims and brown people in general? Or would it simply reinforce the fact that it's okay to make those remarks? Or should I have stood my ground and pointed out that it was not okay? Because yes, it would have
set the record straight, but I'm on placement. And I can't just sternly
tell off patients like that in front of my supervising doctor. And like, if I do react negatively, would it make him think even
less of muslims as a result? I don't know. I just don't know. I've been dealt whatever cards in life, and I try my very best
to make the right move. But sometimes it's so gray and muddled that I don't even know if I'm
making the right decisions or sometimes even playing the right game. And this incident was recent, showing that the mindset
has not changed that much from how it was in the past. Some of you guys have
asked why I don't call it in my character's skin, despite the fact that I
cultivate almost everything else. Some people assume that
it's to follow trends or carry on the white skinned
animated character legacy. However, the actual reason is
that I was genuinely afraid about how you guys would
react to a brown creator. I mean, there's not very many of us. And in the times that
we're living in at least, brown people have had very
negative preconceptions, attached to them. People look at us and judge
in a certain way, you know, and I just didn't wanna deal with that. But I also didn't wanna lie to you guys or grow the self hate any
bigger than it already was. So, for my very first video, I made the decision not
to color in anything, and chose a story that
was specifically centered around the fact that I'm a brown muslim. That way I was revealing
my race to you guys, in a more subtle way. Because I genuinely am
trying to be prouder of who I am as a person. I publicly try to take pride
in the fact that I'm brown. I speak my native language
as often as possible and keep in touch with my spirituality the best I can. And look, most of the time, my stories are about what I've done or experienced in the past, which gives me insight
into what I've learned, which I can then share
with you guys as a moral. However, with this, it's something that I'm
still working on, you know. An area where I'm always
trying to improve. So at least this time, I can't be a role model or in part any high and mighty wisdom to solve your issues. But I do hope that one
day I can get there. I can't promise you that I'm
gonna recolor my character, or become an advocate
at every waking moment, because I'm still working through this. And I'll learn from my
experiences to hopefully, eventually love who I am 100%. So with all that in mind, allow me to reintroduce myself. Hi, my name is Maaz, and I'm proud to be a
Pakistani-Australian muslim. Alright, so that was a very
nerve wracking video to make. (laughs) Thanks for making it this far. I appreciate it. And I hope that at least one
of you guys found it useful in some way. If you've made it this far, then make sure to comment a brown heart, 'cause that way I'll know that you've watched the entire video. Alright, laters, and stay amaazing.
