Old Lady at the Club - Sarah Tiana - Full Special

[Music] what's up New Orleans this is Comedy Central standup [Music] presents please welcome Sarah [Applause] Tiana hi everybody oh y'all look so nice I'm so I'm in such a good mood this is different for me I'm not in a good mood a lot lately cuz I'm almost 40 and I didn't realize that's what happens like you just get cranky like you're like I don't like nothing I hate everything like right now this microphone smells and I'm like I'm going to quit comedy I think I'm going to quit comedy I don't really want to do it I was at a red light in Los Angeles where I live a few days ago and we were in a lot of traffic and when it turned green that's when the lady in front of me turned on her left turn blinker and I was like I hope she dies in a car accident I hope she dies in a car accident I hope it happens right now actually and then I get to watch it maybe I get a video of it on my phone and then I'll tape it and I'll save it in the memories on my phone and it will be the one video that I do watch on my phone my friend had a birthday party recently at a club like a like one of those like like a like I I know like a like one I don't know like a like a we dancing bathing suits on the inside like that kind of yeah now I listen y'all don't know a lot about I haven't been to a club since um the Bay of Pigs in I don't know history or times but I don't go to the I've never I don't go and uh you know I had a lot of social anxiety and I just you know gathered up the courage and I went and I showed up and there's this huge line out front so immediately I was like oh there must be a raffle you know because yeah when you're old you're like well you I won't wait in line there must be a prize of some sort so I walk up to the front to get my raffle ticket and the guy on the stool says oh no this is the line to get in and I was like oh no I don't I don't need Hamilton tickets or whatever I don't know what these people are waiting for I I I need to go to the dance thing and he goes this is the line for the dance thing and I was like that's I'm I don't I don't have to do that right because I'm older I'm an older person I'm older I'm a Delta Gold Medallion actually like I I mean I I fly a lot so I board I'm priority I board the plane first [Applause] so I have a AAA membership like I don't want to pull that card on you right now but like I should be 10% closer than every other person in this yeah but nothing works because I was in my good sweatpants and alone because I didn't know like you I didn't know that that was yeah I you have to get past the guy the guy on the stool you know that's the thing yeah he needs that stool right he a he exhausted doing what he does subtracting 21 from things that's it that's all that's his only that's his only job which he is not good at right you ever know like you'll give him your ID and he's like like what what are you okay what are you it's just it says 1978 so just like you see the 19 you know and and you you go this this going to be an easy one right that's the first that's what you should that's the first thing that you and then you see the seven and then you you the and it's like hot potato like sorry about your life old lady and then you let me in it does the work for H okay what anyway uh I finally get inside the club right and then all I want to do is sit down cuz I'm cuz I'm old I just I want to sit down I want to relax have a cocktail but that cost $1,000 yeah that's what the lady in the leotard said she was she was the manager I think she was the she's a she had on the most clothes she's official $1,000 to sit down that's what she said I said all right I'm intrigued Red by your business model what do I get for $1,000 she said oh well you get vodka I said oh well I don't think you get how money works at all because vodka is not $1,000 I mean you have to wait for the guy to come and unlock it at the CVS but that don't cost extra there ain't a fee for that then she tries to upsell me like a Patty right she's like well you also get orange juice what what huh what what do I look like someone who at my age puts anything else in their vodka are you serious like I don't know what you're even talking about right now I'm like why orange juice why is that even a thing why would anybody put or then I'm looking around I'm like well I guess all these kids did just wake up right so maybe their breakfast breakfast on their mind you know clearly by the way they're dancing they have a vitamin C deficiency so I'm glad I'm glad orange juice on the docket for some of them I can't stop thinking about OJ because I want to stab the [ __ ] out of everybody in here 47 times and get away with it that's how those places make you feel and it's because of the music well it ain't music I shouldn't call it music it's not music it's just have you ever been to a hockey game like a professional hockey game or a big basketball game and somebody dunks or they score a goal and then over the PA they play FR FR FR FR FR [Music] FR yeah that's the song that they play at clubs now they play that song prank [Music] PR that's the song yep they play that song on a loop yeah and then they pay a DJ $10,000 to be like an air horn I don't think so they call it house music that's what they call it like I don't know why I would never play that [ __ ] in my house also the people who love it they can't afford a house it should be called studio apartment music that's all I'm saying it should be called St apartment music and that's where you should have to listen to it cranky I told y'all cranky it's sad man I'm 39 so I'm like I am going to miss my 30s your 30s is fun cuz your 30s is just your 20s with money it's a real good time especially if you're single and dating oh man it's so much fun yeah yeah and I remember every phase of it you know I remember the early part of my 30s I was newly single and I was so excited I was like I want to touch everything and then you get to that middle part and you're like I don't think anything's going to touch me again and then you get to the later part and you're like I don't I don't want to touch anything anyway everything I touch is unemployed with a roommate my biggest problem is that you know I I think I'm always looking for a man that's like my dad you know cuz my dad is my hero he's he's an amazing person and he can do [ __ ] like men now they don't know how to do [ __ ] men used to be able to build things you know like pyramids yeah y'all used to be able to fix things like the economy and my dad can my dad could build anything he could build tables and chairs he built me an art desk when I was in eighth grade he can build a great argument as to why the Civil War wasn't about slavery like he can build anything you know what's up but I can't marry my dad I mean I know I'm Southern but you know like that's like you know I no I can't marry my dad cuz he has a girlfriend so he's taken this my mom but that is sad like I just feel like I haven't met a man that could put up a shelf in like two years that's awful and it's not that I don't know how to put up a shelf like I I know how to put up a shelf but I don't [ __ ] want to what that's your job what I I want to do is come home and look at you like you're a godd dang superhero yeah just walk you know like did you you did you put that shelf up you just put that shelf up all by yourself in a day you're like Bob V or something like I don't even know you're amazing I don't even know I'm going to go bake you some cookies that's what I'm going to do because cuz you a big strong man listen to me ladies you have to reward a big strong man when he does big strong things woo it's very important it is because you know for a woman to feel love we need to be held we need to be touched we need you to remember our birthday and our anniversary and that I like milk chocolate not dark chocolate and I like tulips and not roses and sun just scary but for a man to feel love he needs respect and I can't respect you if you can't put up a shelf get your [ __ ] together it's called shelf resect for a reason it's just sad cuz I feel like a lot of men in the younger generation like they only have calluses on one hand now not twoo guilty guilty yeah y'all can't do that every day y'all I mean I know physically and like you can't but you shouldn't cuz you're ruining everything you're ruining the rotation of the earth yeah it's your fault it's your fault it's hotter you want to know why China's winning cuz they're over there inventing things and you're over here jerking off to it like a bunch of animal like you need you need sexual attention it's like stress right you need a certain amount of stress in your life because it helps you you know motivate you to complete those tasks that you have in your life like at work or at school it just motivates you to to get those done well in life you need sexual tension you do because if you don't jerk off for a week you'll be like I'm gonna build a car I think I don't know I mean I ain't never built a car before but I just need to keep my hands busy I just need to keep them moving real fast like you know what I'm going to build this in my front yard actually that's a better cuz if I build this in my front yard maybe someone see me doing this and they let me put my dick inside of them for a second hell yeah the hard part is that we've scared men out of making basic decisions which to me is the sexiest thing a man can do I have to say I think the sexiest thing a man can do is make a plan just got so relaxed for right uh it's so hot look at the reason me all the men are like well I didn't plan to come here I don't know yeah she just said put on in a clean shirt we're going to the comedy is that plan like we're so excited to go out with you and then right before the DAT we'll get a text that's like where do you want to eat godamn like like you're paying for it like I don't know what your financial background is you could be an unlimited bread sticks guy you know right like a free refills kind of D which is absolutely fine but that's the suggestion of or you could be like a fancy Steakhouse guy right like a Ruth Chris [ __ ] right like a guy that's like I bring my own wine to dinner and I brew it in Indonesia little baby step on for me when I okay well that's a suggest that's a huge difference and I know why men ask us that question is a sinere question I I get it you're asking me that question because you want to make sure that if you take me to a restaurant on our date that I'll be able to find something on the menu that I will enjoy right yeah here's if you if you take a woman to a restaurant and she can't pick just one freaking thing off of an entire menu what what are you run run like run right now if it's happening I'll pay your tab just go just be like oh my shoes are on fire isn't that weird and then set them on fire and run out the goddamn door if she can't eat she can't swallow do you understand that ain't the progress of a human person it's just a menu it ain't algebra like I ain't even here to eat I'm here to get to know you the meal is irrelevant but okay uh okay uh let's turn it uh here's the other part of that deal guys um you are paying for dinner I don't know what the [ __ ] is going on right now people tell me all the time well Sarah chivalry is dead well it was murdered I think actually and we need to launch an investigation cuz I don't know who did it I think it was the Dutch but I can't prove it I can't tell you how many times I've been out to dinner on a date that I've been invited on and then I've offered to pay for dinner or for half and the guy goes that be great I bet it would be [ __ ] great bro p i don't even bring my wallet anymore I don't I don't I bring my ID and I don't reach for that out of courtesy look at all their little wheels spinning ladies oh they getting mad now well sir women are independent now this is what y'all wanted y'all been five for y'all's rights I'm marching just walking back and forth y'all make equal wages now almost y'all can afford to pay for dinner you're godamn right I can afford to pay for dinner and if I wanted to be paying for it I would be eating it alone all by myself first for in the is men love their wieners huh they love their we you know that's why dick pics exist you know it wasn't our idea I mean I know some women are like well I like getting those pictures I'm like no you don't you're just happy he's texting you back but men are the only ones that love looking at those pictures men love their men love looking at Dicks so much especially their own especially their own right and I get it it's your favorite toy right you love playing with it all day you know taking it out at parties and as women we have to be like we love cuz that's how we get you to mow the lawn you know like it's important but I feel like you're just sending me that picture because you can't send it to your guy friends directly yeah oh yeah and you just want me to show it off on your behalf MH so now everyone around me knows how giant your soldier is and now you also have an autom there is always Furniture in the picture I've also never gotten that picture at an appropriate time you know if there is one like I've never gotten it when I was just home alone watching Law and Order eating cake like an adult you know I've always gotten it when I was out on a date yeah and my my phone's out on the table cuz I've been showing off pictures of my dog and then a new picture pops up right and you can kind of see it from the corner of your you're like that's proba my dog texting and now you have to address it cuz obviously he's seen it too um well this is the offer that just came in and can you do better than this or good night I love yall thank [Applause] [Music] you [Music] hey

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 175,074

Keywords: stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedian, comedians, special, funny, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up, best comedians, Sarah Tiana, club, clubbing, house music, LA, traffic, dating, 30s, vodka, drinking, orange juice, old lady in the club, old lady, middle aged, middle aged women, sarah tiana joey diaz, sarah tiana talks about joey diaz, sarah tiana roast battle, sarah tiana ymh, sarah tiana reno 911, sarah tiana bill burr, sarah tiana theo von

Id: cdVkc0ui69w

Length: 21min 1sec (1261 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 06 2023