Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to NPC D&D. Yeah! It's our new D&D series. On our new youtube channel which we haven't made yet. Welcome to the first video. Actually by the time this has been released it would have been.. But while we're filming it we haven't actually made the channel yet? - We've no idea what it's really called
- We should do that We should do that Isn't it weird how time works. Now let me introduce our players and our DM today. First up we have the magnificent Rowan Bettjeman. Can I get a...g'day #modelface Is that a two shot? Is there anything I'm supposed to do? Yes it is a two shot and also today with us we have eclectic Alan Morrison. I don't know what that word means but.. *Laughter* I'll take it. As well as our Alan Morisson, we have the mmmmagic Benjamin Van Lier. Hi There he is. - Welcome Ben!
- The crowd grows wild! Mmmmmmagic!! And as our DM we have the illustrious Robert Hartley. Hello. Hey Rob. Hey Robert Hartley. Nice to see you again. Thank you. Thanks for coming along. It's good to be seen again. He's so cute. And we've got the glorious Adam King. Oh yeah! Me as well. Woo! So this is our new series as we said on a new channel, I'm excited! I'm excited! How exciting! Guys, I am going to show off our dice. Get your dice out. Put them there in the middle. Well we don't have to show them. First up - They're all dice, they're all the same. First up the Baradun dice. Look at those. Okay... Oh my goodness. Okay, these are - these should be Greg's but they're not. What are we? Ah okay. Some dice here. - Some more dice here.
- [Ben] Yeah and then we've also got my ones so... Get a look at your boring ones. Wellll they're fine Some nice elvish - looking runic dice there.
- yeah they're fine I should really have the elvish ones.
(Ben desperately tries to get rid of his sad looking dice.) I mean you can have them if you want. Thank you - thank you Critical Hit Collectibles for sending us our own personalized dice. They're really good. I would have loved to have been able to personalized my dice but whatever. (Outrageous) I... I want to choose another one cause I... You're just an honorary member all right, so chill out. For the record, like these are the ones that Alan chose... Alan chose them. He just chose boring white dice. Out of all the options he went "Yeah, those ones" - those are the ones I want
- I thought these ones-- Nailed it mate!! Look this was my first time choosing dice, okay! And I was just like, I am going the safe option. White! I regret it now. They might be really lucky, alright? They might be really lucky. Okay I want new dice! - These ones are great!
- Well it's my first time ordering so I don't want to go too flash. Crazy!! I'll go white. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ DICE! Let's get into it. Now we are playing in the world of Epic NPC Man with our EPIC NPC Man characters this time. So... Well... Rob would you like - would you like to - Begin. To begin. - Are you sitting comfortably?
- Start us off *adjusts chair.* Okay, hang on. Hang on. I'm a little bit nervous. HA!! ~bpbpbpbppbpbp!~ Ma ma ma ma ma! On that - on that point again, this is completely our world. We - we're doing whatever we want here. Umm. We're doing whatever That's my camera Where's my camera. My camera's over there We're doing whatever we want - this is our world - we've got - Rob's um
- [Rob] It's my world made up a kind of a story for us. I'm excited. I'm excited too. It's going to be great. I'm not. *Nervous laughter.* Why? You didn't have to come? We begin!.... In fact I might actually just... *Ben gets up to leave.* Oh! Do we want to do any introductions about whose characters.. Characters and stuff? Okay who're you playing? Obviously I'm playing Bodger, Bodger the Blacksmith as I played last time. I am Greg the garlic farmer once again. Mhm. I am going to be playing Baradun and you're a new character! I'm a new character. Ummm, Bartholomew Osiris Bladesong - or B.O.B. *Alan laughs.* Bob. Hang on a sec. You're not Britt. WAIT. Whaaaaat!!!??! I thought.. Hang on. I don't know what's going on. [Ben] We are very similar I don't know whats going on. Rowan - Rowan finally succeeded on his perception check. *Laughter* My name is Rowan. Natural 1. So, we begin our story 78 years into the Third age. A time of relative peace among the united kingdoms of Azerim. Gerdawn is almost entirely rebuilt now after the final battles of the second great war forced the orcs of Schmargonrog to retreate 15 years ago. And while the orcs are still as barbaric, vicious, and bloodthirsty as ever.... ...the armies of Eastwatch have been doing a sufficient job of keeping them out of this side of the mountain range. Hmmm. It's coming to the end of a particularly hot summer as we find ourselves in a small quaint town called Honeywood... ...just as the sun begins to rise. Aww By a lake stands a simple wood framed canvas roofed blacksmith shop. A sign outside reading: "Blacksmith, farm tools, wagon repair, boarding and shoeing." Inside we meet a male - a male of stocky build and bulging muscles. HAHAHAHA WHAT!?! Not only from his lineage as a half-dwarf, half-goliath That's a thing now. Balancing out in the middle there. So ah - just for the record half-dwarf, half-giant goliath and it worked out at about 6 foot 3. Both - both of which races are renowned for being stocky and strong. *strained helelelelelele* I really want to meet your parents, I really want to meet your parents. But also from a lifetime of working metal - and swinging hammers.
- Brian and Minty Bodger. So Bodger, as you wake early knowing you have a long day of hard work ahead of you... .. you were recently commissioned by a young wannabe knight to make him a set of custom plate armor... ...and you've almost finished on the helmet. Right So what's your morning routine as you get ready for the day's work? Well! I've ah.. gonna make a cup of coffee *sips* That's - that's about it. Doesn't do any push-ups, doesn't maintain those muscles? Yeah I - on my tent - do a few pull-ups. and ah.... Pull your entire tent down. Fix the tent. His morning routine is always where he fixes... *laughter* And I say: "I gotta stop doing that." Dammit! Again! I have a coffee. Ahh.. that's my morning and then do a few tinkering on a few tools. Alright. So across the lake from Bodger's blacksmith stands a thatched sod cottage. The home of - home and business location for a human garlic farmer and shopkeeper named Greg. Greg the first sun's rays streamed through your open shutters, waking you for a long day of farming and shop-keeping. You're still tired from yesterday's stock take and inventory management. But you know you have a delivery of a significant amount of fertilizer arriving this morning. So you best get up. What's your morning routine? Ummm... It's it's wake up and open the curtains and take a good 10 minutes just going... *yaaawwwn* And shoo the Watcher out of your house. Shoo the Watcher out of your house! Get! The Watcher's still here what are you doing here? Just meditating it's super weird so this has become his regular meditation spot, he just comes back here. Every time. - He gravitates...
- Get the F@*# out! - and I am - I am now getting quite blunt with the Watcher.
- quick travels back to Honeywood I'm like: "You can't just meditate here, please just go." What do you have for breakfast, just garlic? A bowl of garlic and Baelin did drop off a fish yesterday. A bowl of garlic and a side of garlic milk. Yup garlic and fish. Here's Baelin, Baelin's out fishing. Baelin's fishing out there, Mornin'! Morning! Nice day for fishing ain't it! Hu ha! He drops off the occasional batch of fish to me so I those are my two ingredients and I work with what I got. Fish and garlic. Thanks a lot Baelin! Mmmm, garlic and fish. Num-num-num. Many, many miles away. Far off in the fortified temple of Kalabor, a human man wakes in his large four-poster bed.. ..as his long, thick drapes are pulled back by his gnomish assistant, Garamic ...allowing the sunlight to pour into the magnificent and lavishly decorated bed chambers. Mr. Baradun sir, the morning is upon us and I must request your wakefulness your excellence. Oh fuck off *Laughter* The large gilded oak doors to the bedchamber open again and six well-dressed servants enter. Two carrying trays of cooked breakfast, baked goods and fresh fruits. Another carrying a silver jug and matching goblet. A fourth carrying matching silverware and a folded napkin. Another busies themselves around the chamber cleaning out the embers and yesterday's fire in the hearth. And the last one plumps up your pillows as you sit up and empties your chamber pot as he leaves. Garamic places a pince-nez on his nose, his big bulbous nose and unfuruls a small scroll. He begins to read your morning schedule as you begin your breakfast in bed. Umm, uhh... after breakfast your morning routine... After your routine your morning ablutions. After ablutions, you must head uh.. head to the uh... head of arcane studies Billandra Laethil to assist him. He has a recent -recent breakthrough Buuuh! I don't wannaaaaa! There's a recent breakthrough he's made wherein he requires your expertise to proceed further. Transform into a frog. *Laughter* After you.. *shrinking sound effects* You just instantly *rrrap, rrrap* And back to a human. *Vvvvvt!* No back to a gnome or whatever he was. And was this the guy from the previous? Thank you. Thank you your excellence. *Laughter* As always. I appreciate the...sudden change. *Laughter* always (!) After your meeting with Master Laethil, you are scheduled to have a debrief with the representative of the Eastwatch military... ...and I have arranged for that to take place in the northern gardens for you. Noooo! That sounds boriiiing. And after that lunch will be served and I will debrief you on the rest of the day at that time. Enjoy your breakfast your excellence. And he bows and backs out of your bedchambers as the two servants holding the doors leave and close them behind him. What's Baradun's morning routine? The only thing that went through my head was that, I shouldn't say. *Laughter* What were you going to say!?! PORTAL AWAY!!! I get out of there. So uhhh... I don't have to deal with any of that bullshit. Sure And then I portal into Honeywood and just start pulling the finger at Greg. Ah goddammit Baradun, don't you have anything better to do? What are you wearing? That's a weird relationship you've got with Greg. So funny the HIGH sorcerer "F- this" Portal. "Hey Greg." Little shit-hole of a town where you're always like "this town, shit hole of a town" but you - Why do you spend so much time with me!?
- keep coming back... Greg looking out his windows: "Ah!" taking in the day. Suddenly a renting in the arcane fabric of nature, Baradun appears.. ..in his nightclothes still. OOooohhhh! - Just slinging fingers at--
- Portal back! *shoop shoop shoop shoop shoop* Ahhhhh there we go Back into his regular day clothes. Does Baradun get into his attire himself or does he have extra hands to help him? He has the option of extra hands if he wishes. What do you do? Can I use the spell "Magic Hands"? And like, and like these magic hands just like.. There is a spell called "Unseen Servants". So you use that and you can conjur your unseen servants to dress you. I was going to say you could use magic hands to help you with your morning routine Magic Hands *Laughter* That's the morning routine. Ahhhh. *Laughter* So about this time, slightly later into the morning now. We see a young elven man miles away face down in the muddy bank of a lake. Naked and passed out. I love that this is. Muuuh! His robes, belongings, and empty bottles are strewn for several yards around. A nearby noise startles a small brace of ducks and as they retreat to the water for safety... ...they splash down flicking cold flecks across your face and back. Bringing you back to consciousness. Whahiwhappppen. We're shooting all of this by the way. We're recreating all of this. Naked in the mud by a lake. Alright Ben. *snorting sounds* Taking a full minute to work out which direction is up and how to work your arms.. ..you pull your face up from the mud and sit up. Your head's foggy and painful as the memories from last night slowly swim around and.. ..they're swimming around your head like eels in a muddy river. Orcish woman! You do get a sudden clear memory of having arranged with a halfling farmer to catch a ride out of this town at first light today. What's your what's your usual routine when you wake up in such a morning? Alright, find my underwear *Laughter* Find some long johns that are half in the mud half in the lake. Yeah, rinse them in the lake. Oh god. Put them on. Shot a rum. Yeah Wake up. Right find my weapons... Grab all your belongings one at a time. - Yeah, just get dressed
- put your belt on Get dressed by the- splash your face in the lake and then head off towards the center of town to meet the halfling farmer. Right! Ready to attack the day. Bodger, as you arrive in your workshop ready for your day's work continuing on this shiny iron helmet. You realize that it's not where you left it. Right You quickly look around the store, but it's definitely gone. What do you do? Hey, Greg, you stole my uh, my helmet haven't you? What? You you you've stolen my things. Stolen your what? Start looking after your stuff, okay!? No, you've stolen it I know you have. Yeah. Yeah. I know. Okay... *Laughter.* There's an arcane renting *tchhh* by the lake and a similarly clothed individual steps through, Baradun, and says: Master Baradun, sir. You are needed with the head of arcane research. Do I have to?? I'm afraid so sir. Portal away :( A very sad portal opens, slowly. As slowly as he can make it happen. And he steps through the portal with you, taking you back to the temple. You make your way through the temple to the tower of the head of arcane research Master Laethil. You knock on the thick oak door and let the brass knocker hang loose. A few moments later the door opens seemingly on its own. As you see the tall, lithe, somewhat emaciated form of Master Laethil deeper into the lab... ...hunched over a table studying his usual glowing, effervescent, ...pungent concoctions bubbling away in various containers and tubings around the lab. He looks your way. Oh, high sorcerer Baradun, you made it. Come on in come on in, how wonderful Yes, you summoned me. I didn't know others could summon me, but okay. I need your expert assistance. You're ever so smart and I'm on the verge of a breakthrough you see. Umm... ...waves his finger and the door closes again behind you. His lab, as always, is a mess of scrolls and parchment and ink and quills and bottles. There's huge jars of preserved animals, plants, and monsters around the around the room. There's rods, staff, wands, and other arcane foci. A set of large bronze astronomy equipment and down the far end on the floor Can I have the bronze astronomy equipment? Technically you could have any of it cos as the head of the high sorcerer and the head of the temple of Kalabor you pretty much own anything you want. Ill have that telescope, I want it! That's a family heirloom my lord. It'll look amazing in my office. I'll take it. Take it. Get it taken to my office. Thank you! Down the far end inscribed in the circle in the in the marble floor is a permanent teleportation circle. You also see Nicholas, Master Laethil's small, putrid-green pseudodragon curled up around the chain of the chandelier above. Do you have approval for that pet dragon? Greg, you're you're waiting patiently at the front of your store and after a half hour or so.. ..a horse trundles up with a cart attached. You realize to your dismay that driving the horse and cart is Pete Gurlet. Meaning that this delivery has come from the peach farmers of southern Honeywood. Morning, morning Graham! He says. It's Greg. Yup. Ahhh!! God!! Ow!! You're lookin... Ahhh! Well, you're looking kind of well for you, I suppose. You look tired, only just woken up eh? Must be nice to be a garlic farmer. Not like them peach farmers. We got it hard. What are you talking about!? You really hurt my hand! Yeah, yeah, yeah - you'll get over it. Anyway give us a hand with manure And he walks around the back and opens the the back of the carriage. And to your dismay you realize that it's unlike what you were expecting. Sacks of dried manure. This is just an entire cart filled with loose shit. And not entirely dry either. Oh Pete, what the hell! So he says.. This is fertilizer for your...? This is fertilizer that He says "uhhh..." Right I've only got the one shovel. And he hands it to you. Human shit mixed in with the horse. Hey Greg! What are you doing there? Mind your own business Bodger!! You look like you're shovelin' shit! You should get in birchfir to do that, you idiot. Yeah yeah! That smell. I might Yeah, can I try and convince this guy to do it for me? Make a persuasion check. Let's do it. First roll of the game! Fifteen Fifteen plus your persuasion modifier. You good at persuasion? I have persuasion oooOOOoof... ..three so eighteen. Oooh eighteen. All right, so you're- you're seemingly charming enough with this guy, you know, you know the Gurlets. I've dealt with peach...peach growers a lot They're arrogant and somewhat condescending so you know how to play him. Uch! You do it I Think I'll do it. I And he starts to shovel it and and throws it down onto just a pile outside your front door. Just a big pile of shit. I'm gonna have to deal with that still...okay. About half an hour of talking he's just generally belittling and using lots of passive aggressive comments about your work. Yup! It's probably for the best that I'm doing this cos you know, you get some muscles when you're doing peach farming. I don't imagine so much when you're doing garlic. Wow!!! Eventually... eventually as he trundles away... Only then does it - do you realize that the Peachtrees don't own any livestock. Eh Greg!! Is that human shite? What? No, it is definitely not human poop! No - it is! We've got lots of kids and no livestock. No what? No!!?? So Bob. You're lying down rather comfortably on a pile of empty burlap sacks in the back of a trundling wagon, sunhat over your face.. ...and the halfling farmer tries to make conversation. So you, ah... got a destination in mind then or you following your nose, so to speak? Just following my nose mate. Very well! We could always use an extra hand on the farm. What are you good at? Oh farm? Fuck off. No? Alright. Fair enough. To each their own. No, I'm not a farmer. No. Not a farmer then what are you good at? What am I good at? Well, my expertise is basically... thieving fighting drinking stealing Right. Well, I don't have much to steal if you're thinking of that but I mean... Are you sure? Oh um... There's an apple back there. If you - if you want to take one of the apples or a few you could take a few. Oh yeah? You lift one of the sacks up and look into the crate and nice fresh apples in there. Don't don't use a lot of murdering and stabbing on the farm. But.. Really? Yeah, no. I do. *arrogant apple crunch* At this point you get another memory from last night, your memories starting to slightly become clearer. And you remember the winnings. You were definitely in a bar and you definitely had a game of cards... ...against a dwarf and a goblin That's right. You definitely won a lot of gold.. I did! and you check your hips Oh shit. It ain't there. Oh shit. What's the matter you lost something? Have you seen a pouch of gold around? I had one on me. Uh No, if I - if I'd seen a pouch of gold I wouldn't be farming. Are you sure? Yep. Sorry, everything's a bit foggy. Had a wee bit to drink last night. I mean, I'm afraid I don't have time to turn around and go back. But you're welcome to hop off and walk if you want. Yeah right. He slows the horse down to the side and you hop off the back of the wagon. Yeah. Maybe taking another couple of apples on the way. You just grab a couple and reach out and grab a couple more things. Make a sleight-of-hand check for me, please. Sleight-of-hand check. So roll a d20 and add your sleight-of-hand modifier. It's not bad. Sleight of hand eighteen - seven. Plus seven - 25. You can help yourself to anything - you can help yourself to an entire crate of things if you want. Just take his cart from him. You don't have anything do ya? No. Ah, I see. I'm very good at stealin' aren't I? Yes! Very, very silent. What's that? That's - that's me!! Alright.. And you're just riding a horse now. The guy just keeps riding off like this. Clip clopping behind the horse. Yeah a couple of coconuts. You grab a crate of things. Yeah, I'll be on my way then. Is that, is that one of mine or did you have that? No, this was mine. Always mine. Well best of luck to you and he continues on. Alright. You have a peak, you have a crate of potatoes now. Hiyah! Great! Perfect. And you start to make your way - your way back to town. Great. Greg, now with a mound of excrement directly outside your shop front. Mmnaw! You realize that you're going to have to spend the morning shoveling it into sacks. Or moving it if you want any chance of doing business today. You pop inside to grab some sacks but on your way through your shop... ...you notice a few spaces on the shelves where yesterday there were definitely sets of silverware and jewelry boxes. What do you do? Sorry that fly totally distracted me. Roll for initiative. Speaking of manure, umm.. So you head inside your shop to try and grab some loose sacks to put this shit into. And you notice spaces on your shelves where you definitely had silverware and jewlery.. Oh no! I'm noticing a pattern here. Yeah, there's a pattern going on here. Things are going missing. Things are going missing. What are you rolling for? Ben says something. I haven't ask for a roll but! Three. HAHAHA! Did you just go - roll the dice!? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I got three, how does that help me? *Laughing* Depends what you were trying to do. I thought you were doing Right! My go! Ummm... good! Shut up, shut up, shut up. I thought you said - You win Dungeons and Dragons!! Well done! We'll leave it there Greg just gets up in the morning. Right, a load of human shit, roll the dice. Three! It's what I got. This is what I do in the morning just to get through my day. I asked what do you do? I roll a dice obviously. You notice some things are missing that were definitely there yesterday when you did the stock take. Umm, okay. And no one has gone in - no one has gone into your house yet. Ummm...okay. I notice it straightaway. You notice it on your way through the shop. I just recently did a stock take. Ummm.. I'm going to desperately look for clues for as to who could have taken it. Make an investigation check, please. You roll that and oooh thats pretty good. Sixteen. Investigation plus three, 19. Nineteen! All right So with that you notice that there are small patches of water beneath the shelves that were taken. Water? Specks of it and as you walk back out you see that there's a few splotches of drips on the way back out of the shop Okay. Baradun, you're now well into - well into your in-depth discussion with Master Laethil regarding this new ability he is working on. Rather, he's the one talking and you're the one listening. Am I, are we in the top of a tall tower? Yes, you are. Can I - Can I lean on the window forlornly? Sure, sure. For your whole turn. I'm looking out the window forlornly. He's just there explaining things to you about the details of the runes that he has to do. And I see in the far distance a little hoard of orcs going through. And I just go: "Meteor Storm". Hahahaha! So, just just reaching off into the far distance *whoomp boom!!* You just see the sky opens up and *BOOMBOOMBOOM* Four massive meteors just stream out of the sky, flaming. How confident are you that those were orcs? *BOOM* slamming down Not 100 percent to be honest. Oh well. And now I turn around and pay attention to - You turn round and he says well, as your power comes naturally as a sorcerer, you haven't really had to study the delicacies of the weave. The natural inherent magic in - around you in the world.. ..in the same way that he has so some of the nuances of what he's talking about go a little bit over your head. Especially because you're not listening. But you're charismatic enough to to make it go by unnoticeable, you think. The gist of it is that he's working on an ability to weaken the orc armies next time they attack by draining the shamans of their magical powers. OoooOOoh. But the unfortunate thing about it is I can't seem to get over the hurdle of the shaman needing to be a willing participant in the ritual you see. Until now.. I'm.. Well, I'm thinking that I might have just found a workaround where we can trick them into being involved. If you just want to grab me that orb real quick, I can show you how it works. So I'm your assistant now, okay good! As soon as you grab it and your hand closes around the satsuma sized glass orb setting on the desk... ...a sudden pulse of energy is released from it. You feel every muscle in your body tense up and paralyze. Master Laethil turns to you slowly I wondered if I might have been pushing my luck by revealing to you what the nature of my research was. I definitely thought I’d gone too far by telling you it had to be entered into willingly *Gasp* But then I have always underestimated the strength of your arrogance How could I, high sorcerer Baradun ever be in danger from the lowly master Laethil? Why should I, the most powerful man in all of Azerim ever need to be careful when touching random items in the laboratory of the head of arcane research? What hope do any of my lowly colleagues ever have of out-smarting me? The youngest high sorcerer ever elected by the order of the weave? But for once I’m grateful for your arrogance because it’s led you willingly into my ritual. In a matter of minutes you’ll be as weak to the world as I know you to be in your mind *Horrified gasps* Oh, f---! Woah! Burn! You will be as pathetic as a normal ten-year-old should be But I’m level 20! Not destroying entire armies of marauding orcs Not impressing your way into the order with a series of magical parlour tricks Not taking the position of high sorcerer from those more worthy Those who have spent their entire 500 year lives studying every aspect of the weave And not doing all of that at only twenty years old just because some freak reason all of this power comes naturally to you Can I… Can I talk? Nope, you’re paralysed.
Oh dammit. He’s raising some good points Not anymore, this power shall not come naturally to you You will be as weak as a little child again and then I will finally kill you. And he throws your staff to the side, it clatters down next to the teleportation circle and beneath, and it clatters down beneath the lectern on which he keeps his primary spell book You shouldn’t have turned him into a frog. Multiple times… Probably multiple times every morning for the last few years Probably should have listened to him – yeah He walks over to the corner of the chamber and *whoosh* uncovers a mechanical device. It’s about ten feet tall and six feet wide. It looks like five legs of bamboo scaffolding holding up an inverted Tesla coil. Wires and levers and embedded gemstones all over this contraption. Nicholas flies down and wraps himself around as Master Laethil wheels it over. I should have known he was evil, he has a dragon! He wheels it over, he positions it above you so the Tesla coil is above Whatever you last cast, that meteor swarm, I hope it was a good memory for you.\ It will be your last ever spell. It was pretty good actually yeah, it was great! He shoos Nicholas away and flicks a lever on the side, and necrotic lightning fires through your body You’ve not felt pain like this in a long time. But mixed in with the pain, the familiar comforting warmth of healing radiance. This device is actively preventing you from dying as it sucks, as it damages you but also heals you at the same time. Sucking your abilities from your body One by one you forget all of your spells You forget the world-shattering powerful wish You forget meteor swarm Mmm, Ugh, Ah shit! Oh, don’t Ah shit! You forget how to teleport You forget how to portal away! You forget how to create walls of stone from nothing You forget how to create conjuring great illusions Brrrghhh... Don't make it sick Dadadada…Grrrrr…Urgh Just be in pain, just don’t, ah, you’re ruining this for me you know? Grrrrr, Urgh! And now it's just weird. *sad voice* Do I forget how to turn people into frogs? You forget transmutation You forget your polymorph For someone who’s paralyzed, he’s really quite like…”Dammit, Oh! Dammit!” Can I get out of this? Oh Dammit!
Dammit! Bob? Yeah? Alright? You’re making your way towards town Goodness... Can you make a perception check for me please? Alright The plot thickens… The thot plickens… 11 Pluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus 4 = 15 Fifteen, alright. As you’re walking along dirt road, trees on either side, you hear a cracking of twigs off in the brush to the side and about twenty, thirty feet ahead of you, a large grey wolf steps out onto the path Ooh no! Shit! It gets about halfway across the road and then turns and looks ‘Ello Wolfie, how are you? Is this the end of Bob? And Bob runs away and we never see him again He just stands and stares at you, what do you do? Stands? Ok. I…want to check if it’s friendly Make an animal handing check please So roll that, d20, and add your animal handling modifier Animal handling... 12 + 2 = 14 14 - from its body language it doesn’t have its teeth bared, doesn’t have its tail tucked under to protect itself, doesn’t have it out the back to show that it’s aggressive, anything like that. It just seems to be curious, you’re larger than it and potentially a threat Yep And you’re not moving towards it Are you friendly, or? About a minute or two goes by and then it turns away and starts to walk into the forest on the other side. Huh. What a strange little encounter. Sure that won’t have any effect on my future life. Baradun. After what feels like an hour of this torturous electricity through your body, you feel the last morsel of your powers about to leave you and there’s a loud slamming on the door *BANG BANG BANG BANG* Quick as a flash, Master Laethil flicks off the machine and moves towards the door. Master Laethil, you alright? There’s a sudden disturbance in the weather pattern over your tower and Master Padraic sent us to check on you I’m in here! I’m in here! Your head is swimming in pain and weakness but you realise that seemingly this machine has interfered with the power of the orb and you have control of your body back. You also realise you’re less than ten feet from your staff, Master Laethil’s spell book, and his teleportation circle. And he’s 30 feet away speaking through the lab doors. There’s a combination of things you can do – Wait! Not saying I’m pushing you in a particular direction…
Wait a minute! How am I going to put these things together? Staff. Book. Portal. Staff book portal. I pick up the book, I smash him over the head with it. I snap my staff and I stab him I take a bite out of Nicholas! *Num* And gain those pseudodragon powers And I jump out the window to my death! Well, I’m not going to assume anything. I dive over to my staff and er, attempt to portal away. Portal away! Alright, so mastering the er, mastering the last remnants of energy that’s stored within your staff, you conjure a portal within the circle
Portal away! and you dive through Your mind is racing a mile a minute - I also took the book by the way - No, you didn't! You grab the book as well alright oh yeah, he did As you’re going through, “Oh wait the book!” You grab his spell book, you grab your staff, you conjure a portal, your mind races a mile a minute trying to think of a place that you’re going to be safe. A place so low-key and insignificant that Master Laethil would never think to look for you there. You think of a, you’re trying to think of a small poxy little asshole of a place where nothing ever happens Ah! Suddenly you’ve got the perfect place. Hey Greg! Urrgh, god dammit! Does he land in the manure? Please tell me he lands in the manure? Let’s roll a percentile die and let’s see. He’s, Baradun’s just going to smell like shit for the whole campaign You can roll it if you like. 52 52. There was a 50% chance you did so 52 is just above Manure is more animal stuff but this is sewage. Oh yeah, this is human faeces, this is human faeces. So I land right next to him, like ooh, woah! No no no, we’ll get to that. Just one second. So, Bob, you arrive back in the village that you just left, walking past the wooden sign that says “Welcome to Honeywood”. What do you do? Err, I………… Drink Do you make your way back to where you woke up?
I drink! Um, yeah, yes. I make my way back and start searching for my gold. Alright, so you make your back to the river’s edge, the lake’s edge rather, and you see a fisherman in a hat who turns to you and says Mornin’! Nice day for fishing ain’t it? Hu ha! You also see a garlic farmer shovelling shit outside his shop. Gah, this is so disgusting! Is that human shit? No! Leave me alone! Give me a recap on your story, you’ve lost what – gold, a sack of gold. He's looking...he can’t remember what happened. Yeah yeah, I came through town, had a little-bit-too-much-to-drink, won a game of cards and lost all my gold. So was that Honeywood where you were drinking? Yep, it was yeah. Can you make an investigation check please?
You've lost all your power, you're - shovelling shit
You're shovelling shit You’re trying to find your gold You're trying to find the helm 19 + 2 = 21 Ooooh! You find the location where you were face-down, still your imprint perfectly in the mud That's me! You also see, um, you recall with that check, you recall that last night you won this big bag of gold and you tried when you got to the water’s edge, you tried to like consolidate it with your own coin purse and it was just too much to fit into your coin purse, so you spent most of the evening just trying to skim your copper pieces over the lake to hit the other side And so you know where you were sitting when you had the gold yeah, right you go to that area and with a high enough investigation check you can see, you’re pretty sure it should be in this area. It’s definitely not, but you do see tracks in the mud. Ok You see tracks of long-toed feet with seeming webbing between them. Ahhhhhh Ah, OK. I follow those tracks Alright, they go *pfft* right into the water. Into the lake? Oh, come on! What d’you go into the lake for? How am I meant to get this back? Arghh. As you’re thinking this, er what do I do? What do I do? Suddenly there’s a ripping of fabric almost straight in front of you. Baradun you come splashing down Oh Christ! Into the lake. Yes, the lake, exactly where I meant to land And the current state of that pond is like a bit… It’s about 50% duck poo Yeah, pretty vile I am now 50% duck poo Can you make an athletics check please to swim to the shore without drowning? Could this be the end of Baradun? I drown - Natural 1 I drown, right now The first episode of the D&D campaign is just like… 20!
Mother- It’s a natural twenty! First of the campaign With athletics minus one Minus one, so 19 So you drown… You paddle to the side, you paddle to the shore, you get out and you’re covered in mud and completely soaking wet. Hello adventurer! You notice that you have your staff that you managed to escape with, you’ve got your arcane focus. You also managed to escape with your level one spells intact, so you are back to being a level one sorcerer. Now, most people in the land would know who Baradun is right? Like he’s like one of the most famous people in the land, right? Yeah, right Um, you also don’t have the spell book. Ah, is it in the lake? Can I go back and get it from the lake? You definitely grabbed it before jumping through the portal but now you do not have it. Must be in the lake… Can I have a quick dip back in the lake to look? Sure thing You’re wearing some pretty heavy armour dawg Make an investigation check with disadvantage, that means you roll twice, take the lower of the two numbers Er, 20 again and… 2 *shame* So you dunk yourself back in the lake, into the water ...plus 2, so 4. Four. You dunk your head under the water, you come back up again, you try and cast water breathing on yourself. Water breathing! Does not happen. You try and cast alter self on yourself. Doesn't happen *Coughing and spluttering* This is really funny to watch You’re not sure how to, you’re not sure how normal people would investigate water for something underwater. You alright there mate? You know a whole bunch of things – I feel better about myself now! So actually, I think the way you look underwater is you go *splash, inhale* *coughing* Baradun comes spluttering back up onto the shore Baradun tries to drink the lake up Drink the duck shit filled lake Alright so you’re all in Honeywood, Bodger, Baelin is just… Mornin’! Nice day for fishing ain’t it? Hu Ha! Hint hint hint… No, there ain’t no hints, just telling you what you can see. So, it’s not my turn now ok? No, so we’re not in turn order, not in turn order, up to you. OK, well, can I try and get the fisherman to fish the lake to try and find stuff in the lake? Sure can. So you walk over to Baelin, make a – Hey mate, alright? Mornin’! Nice day for fishing ain’t it? Hu ha Make a persuasion check please Sure. 8 pluuuuuuuuuuuuu… Three it says …uuus 3. Can that be how we end the episode? Pluuu… hard cut it Next time on D&D…will Ben finish his sentence? Er, so with an eleven, it’s enough. It’s not hard to persuade him to fish, he enjoys fishing. Hey mate? You wanna do some fishing? So Baelin will do some fishing Mornin’! Nice day for fishing ain’t it? Hu ha! Well that’s what I’m hoping. Listen, I er, I’ve misplaced some gold and I’ve a feeling it’s in that lake and I’m hoping you can do me a favour and fish it out. Baelin, can you make a d20 check please? Just roll a d20, I’ve got the modifiers. 8 Eight total So he fishes in, about two minutes later, oop! And he reels it in, and attached to it is one of your smithing hammers. Mornin’! Nice day for fishing ain’t it? Hu ha! No. I didn’t say hammer did I? I said gold. Try again Hu ha! Hey! Hey Baelin! I’ve been looking for that, can you chuck it 'ere lad? Mornin’! And throw the hammer at you? Make a dexterity saving throw please 18 Alright, you manage to duck out of the way and catch it Thank you Baelin, I’ve been looking for this hammer. Awesome So you get one of your hammers back, there are still multiple to – Place that down there. Now seeing that one of your hammers was taken, you now look for other things that were taken as well. You realise the helmet’s not the only thing to have gone. A lot of your smithing tools are gone too. So, a lot of things are missing are they? A lot of things are missing, and things are getting a bit suspicious here and I’m seeing webbed footprints around the place and I’m thinking there’s a sea monster around here You haven’t seen any webbed footprints? Aye, but I…*incoherent wailing*. Seen drippy things! Nope, I’ve seen them, and we haven’t had a chat.
You haven’t done an investigation check to see what’s happened yet. Would you like to, would you like to see if there’s clues? You’re presuming a lot of things actually, you have no idea what’s going on! Would you like to see if there’s clues around the place? *more incoherent wailing* Things are suspicious… Make an investigation check please, with your negative intelligence modifier 15. Minus intelligence, which would be 1. So, 14. Fourteen’s not too bad. A little investigation Um, the first thing that, er, it’s not necessarily linked you don’t think, but you do notice that usually on a morning when you’re setting up work there’s all of the flies around that have come up from the duck pond lake. Lots of moths and mosquitos and all sorts of insects around the place. It’s eerily quiet of insects. Hmmmm… He wouldn’t notice that. So much so that it catches your eye Like you’re not having to swat away flies left right and centre I am not having to swat away flies and so therefore there must be a sea monster eating flies… Have you noticed there’s no flies? Hang on a sec What's the natural predator of flies? Frogs Frogs What does frog rhyme with? Cogs Cogs There are cogs in the local windmill, and you know what? The local windmill owner is always talking about monsters and I’ve never seen any monsters I can’t see monste… There’s a sea monster. There’s a sea monster in the lake! A big, big toad. Big. Toad. So, do you say this to, what do you do? What does Baradun do? He’s just had his powers ripped from him. He’s been thrust back to being as weak as he was when he was like 8 years old I kinda want to go back to the temple of Carlebor but I presume I can’t portal anywhere You try... Can I try? Portal away! Nothing happens. Not even the feelings of it failing, like it’s just not in your body anymore. I’m literally just going like this with my staff Why?! Portal away! *cries* Still covered in duck poo, just looking very - Yeah yeah, completely drenched You alright there mate? Not so good :( Are you the high sorcerer Baradun? Why yes I am. You’re welcome in my presence. You may know me from the epic high level quests that you’ve done where we literally repair the fabric of space-time. Yeah remember it well. Good times. Yes, that was a good one Yeah yeah, it was great You seen any gold pouches lying around? I lost my winnings. I have seen a lot of gold, I am incredibly rich after all Right, hand them over There is more pressing things on the agenda than your bag of gold. Well for you maybe I am level one right now Sorry, did I stutter? Hand it over. Firestorm. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You go through your repertoire in your mind like just testing out the things that you can do You focus on a piece of driftwood that’s come up onto the shore and you try and transmute it Transmutation! Nothing You hold out and try and turn it into gold Nothing Levitation!
You try and levitate it Nothing Hey! Baradun? I’ve noticed that you’re shite. You’re shite! Yes. Yes, I have noticed that too. I’ve lost a few of my powers, just a couple. Yeah, aren’t you meant to be the high sorcerer? I am the high sorcerer thank you very much and I’m very powerful. Usually. Yeah, high sorcerer of being shit. Nice! Whoever you are! Yeah, thank you This guy, I like this guy! You try and cover it in the illusion of a rock - minor illusion? - and it takes Suddenly this piece of driftwood suddenly looks like a rock *sarcastic applause* Wow! It’s something innit? Well, I mean, it’s something Yeah, I mean to be honest, I feel like I could do that Thank you thank you. I’ll do more powerful things later on. I’m just holding back at the moment you see, I don’t want you guys to think I’m too powerful and blow your minds Pretty convincing mate I’m sure you do! So Baelin at this point seems to have got another catch Oh, he’s got something, what have you got? He pulls- Mornin’! Nice day for fishing ain’t it? Hu ha! He pulls and pulls and as he pulls it seems to have attached to a very old and rotten-looking wooden shield that comes up out of the water Attached to which is a green frog arm, long human sized frog arm, and then followed by the bulbous eyes of a human-sized frogman who looks at you Rwrrr. And then pulls his shield off and back under the water What was that? Think there’s something in the lake I haven’t seen that before, that’s new. Yeah, not something you see every day Is that part of Honeywood? I actually saw some weird webbed footprints, might have been his This is fine, right? Yeah
Yeah? And where’d that guy go? Baradun. You’re focused on your thing, on your illusion, testing out the boundaries and then you see a small ripple in the water next to you as another one of these frogmen bursts out of the water seemingly leapt easily 10 feet in the air and as they’re coming towards you on an angle they drop a net. Meteor Storm! Nope, okay. You just point at the sky! So it leaps across you, I need you all to roll initiative please Oh, shiiit All of us?
Yep Oh look Adam, look at the little frogman! *Cutesy baby noises* Hello frogman Oh thank god, I rolled 16 11, plus... 12, and is that plus anything? Yes, plus your dexterity modifier, it’s an initiative check Plus 3, 15 Baradun, got a total of? 16 16. Bodger got a total of? 12 12. Bob got a total of? 15 15. And Greg got a total of? 7 Alright. Yay Greg! Yeah! Go Greg! Going to put these out of the way and roll for the baddies That’s gonna be a high one Ooh, that’s a low one Aaand, that’s a real high one. Even higher. Move these to there... Uh oh spaghettio! Am I, oh, they’re all above me, great, great, great... Alright, so we’re in initiative order meaning that something is happening, not necessarily combat but it’s something for which time is important so we’re go into a round by round situation rather than everyone talk at once. So, first up, round order. Baddies number one. Makes sense, they got the surprise on you Baradun Okay… let’s get back into some of this magic He jumps out of the water and drops a net on you It hits so you are considered restrained. You take no damage from it but you are restrained in a net. No! Oh not a net. My least favourite type of rope! At the same time, um, you are by the water’s edge so they are going to go for you too. Shit. Ooh yes, with a sneaking that’s going to hit. So another one leaps out of the water, bounding down with a huge splash and a net. This is not a big lake, how have these guys stayed secret for a long time? They’re frogs, they’re tiny! Let's see, who else is - These are human-sized frogs, remember the human-sized hand on the shield? Oh yeah… Bodger! Bodger’s fairly close to the lake, so they are going to go for you. What’s your armour class please? My armour class is 13. 13 and they got a 16 so that’s going to hit you as well So another one jumps out of the water Look’s like it’s up to old Greg Urgh, oh, urgh, net! Baddies number two, they are going to go now and you see a gigantic frog *bleugh* up onto the shore Mother of God
*Gigantic frog noises* This thing is the size of a large dog So these are like frogmen and this is like an actual frog? Yes, those are humanoid frogs. Frog headed, but they are wearing hide armour and carrying small weapons Are they pretty small? Are they short? Yeah, about yea big. Yep. But how big is old froggy? Big frog’s like a big dog Big dog. Big dog. Good boy. Frog proportions Good boy, come here boy! Alright, that’s the end of the baddies turns, er, who’s that? Baradun, you’re up. Well, he’s put me in a net so I’m going to assume he’s a piece of shit. Fair assumption Um, how restricted am I? So restrained means you can still do your attacks and things but you’re at disadvantage if you trying to attack and because he’s holding, well, he’s dropped it on you, landed probably on this other side and he’s grabbed ahold of the net again so you’re considered grappled as well. So you’re unable to move unless you break that grapple. Um, would shocking grasp break that grapple? You can reach through one of the netting and shock this frogman if you want I’m going to shocking grasp him I will say that because he’s covered in water you have advantage on the attack Unnnliiimited Powwerrrrr! So roll a d20, roll it twice, take the higher of the two numbers. 2. Nice. Roll it again, thankfully he’s wet Let’s do better! 17
Yes! That's better, that's better So, seeing yourself in peril, your instinct is to just turn him into a frog which you realise you can't do, and it probably wouldn't do anything anyway He's already a - shall I turn him into a human? So you think, oh, low level, low level's my best shot. I'll try it *boom* and you reach through the netting and you grab ahold of his shoulder and just let lightning through your fingers into him and it seemingly works So, that hits. Roll damage. What's it? A 1d8?
I believe it's a d8 And...1 Awww, nailed it! One point of electricity damage, but he also does not get his reactions for the round. Yes, that was the primary reason I used it Well then, good work! Alright, so baddies number 1 took 1 point of hit point damage Alright, so that was your action to cast. You've still got movement if you can get out of the net Bonus? Hmm, it would be an action to try and get out of the net Would it be best to... be... Oh, so I couldn't... It would be your action to try and get out of the net, either by cutting it or by throwing it off of you Ok, so I could try and move with the net? Yeah, potentially, I would make it a contested strength check with this guy, to like, pull him along Ok, I wanna see if I can literally just run away Alright, so make an athletics check please, against his athletics It's not going to be great because I'm minus 1 athletics 5... 4 Great. 5, 4. So, he got, yeah, he got a natural 17 So you manage to, you're trying to pull away but he's stuck his webbed feet right down into the mud and he's got purchase on it. Ha, I'm going to run away! Ugh, oh, no I'm not. Noooo, no, argh! Alright, that is Baradun's turn. Bob. You're up Alright. Er, first of all, I want to try and free myself from this net Alright, so, are you doing so just by throwing it off or are you trying to cut it? Cos this is gonna be your action either way *Sharp intake of breath* I try and cut it Alright, so you whip out your dagger or your short sword one of the two. My dagger Make an attack on the net so roll your d20 and add your modifier from your particular weapon 13. Plus 5 = 18. Definitely enough to hit the net So roll damage. That's a d4 + 3 d4... 1 + 3 = 4 4 points of damage
Not bad...errr...it's ok It's alright. Yeah, I'll say that you manage to slit this net open Right, yes, that was a net loss for you, wasn't it? Frogs. I will allow that, and it just falls to the floor and this bullywug cannot use this net anymore. Mwaha Alright, so that was your action, you've still got movement. You've been doing sort of a bonus OK Ahhhhhhh You've got this much movement, so you could anywhere But if I try and move, he might try and attack me, right? Correct, if you leave his melee range, he gets an attack of opportunity Ah, very observant! He listens!
Ben knows, Ben knows... Because he had the net out, he doesn't have any weapons drawn so if you did get a melee it would just be an unarmed strike. Pfft! I'm not scared of that! But I'm also not scared of him, so I'm not gonna run away either Ooooo Alright, so you stay where you are? I just stare him in the eyes and just say 'just you wait...' Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're gonna die. When it gets to my turn again. Bodger, you're up. Right, I'm gonna smash this toadman froggy person in the face with my hammer. Alright, do it! Aye So, you have disadvantage on the attack because your arms are all restrained in the netting You can still hit him, potentially Ok, so, er -
Just wrist... 4!
Uh oh Good. 4. With disadvantage as well, so roll again in case it's even lower 1! 1! It is lower! Great! /s Plus... 3 Oh, that saves it, you're sweet, you're sweet there now man, don't worry about it. So, no on an attack if you get a natural one there's no modifiers added. It's just an automatic miss One, you bring your hammer back and with the netting, you just - - smack yourself in the face Smack yourself right above the brow, not enough to do damage but it hurts We're doing great! Yeah!
Woo! Level one! *hype* Greg, you're up Er, I'm just, I want my- That's so funny...
Oh, you do have a bonus if you want to rage? Bodger went - Do you want to rage? - 'Right, I'm gonna hit him' *Boosh* RAGE! RAAAAAAGE!
You do have a bonus action Helele! Helele! Helele! Helele! Argh! Argh! Argh! Arghelelelele! Arghhhh! Rrargh... Now what I gonna do is just try and get out of the net. That's going to be an action on your next turn. What I'm gonna do next time... Next time! Um, Greg. You're up! Yeah, I'm just thinking what my character would do, and that is run straight back in - This thing, this thing's just staring at you Staring at me? Bwaha. Oh yeah, because you've got the big old frog Can I run into my house and lock the door?
You can yeah *Laughter* I don't think you do lock doors - well he's useless i'n he? - because of the Watcher situation Oh yeah yeah yeah, true. So I run in the house and close the door Yeah, you close the door So you run in, you close the door and... ...as I run in, I...I...oh no, that's not going to affect anything Cool that you've even got the garlic on this Um, yeah I just run in and close the door and like push up against it Holding up against it? Yeah. Alright. Um, ok, then it is baddies number 3. There's more baddies?
There's already enough baddies :( Out of the water comes... Right so just to clarify, these guys are cumulatively baddies 1? Yep. And then this guy is baddies 2? Yep. Aw, gotcha And these guys are baddies 3 Gotcha And while this may look like a goblin it is in fact a frogman that I just don't have enough minis for So this guy comes up out of the lake here There's a strange goblin-looking frogman This one just hops up next to Baelin, he doesn't have a net in his hands. He's got a spear and a shield. Oh shit. And he takes a strike at Baelin BAELIN! That's gonna hit Baelin!! No! No! No!
Baelin, apparently? Arghhhhh! If he dies I'll be mortified Baelin takes, er, seven points of piercing damage as the spear goes through him No!
Mornin'! Nice day for fishin' ain't it? Hu ha! *Crying* Baelin! My half-brother! What? Oh, makes sense actually, I can see the resemblance
Yeah, makes a lot of sense yes It's not enough to kill him, he's not dead yet, but he's damn close. Nailed it. I'll just file that away
File that away Er, now it's back to the top of the round. Baddies number 1 - the people with the nets They are going to try and, so this one is going to try and drag you into the lake Hey, hey, hey, hey... Oh shit. Glad I freed myself from the net So, I need you to make either an athletics check with advantage cos you're raging or an acrobatics check. For you it would probably be athletics. Er, what's the difference? It's either you're like just refusing to go with him by strength or you're trying to like slip out of his grasp Ok, I want to strength my way out of this bad boy?
Yeah So, with advantage cos you're raging 12 uh and roll again, 12. 12 12 So, 12. 12 plus your athletics
12 plus my athletics... Next page, next page, there on top of the page, top left Er, 1. So 13. Your athletics should be more than 1? Oh, acrobatics. Oh no, 5 sorry Yeah, there we go I was looking at acrobatics 5 plus 12 = 17 Which is more than he got, so he tries to drag you into the lake but he just can't get it And I'm like nah mate. Ha ha ha! You think your froggy little fingers can pull ME into the lake? You can't budge a Bodger! That's his action but now he is like half submerged and trying to pull you from the er...he's trying to pull you off Baradun, this guy does the same thing. He is going to standing leap over your head but by holding the bottom of the net he's going to try and trip you up so I need you to make an athletics check or an acrobatics check I don't - which one's better? Acrobatics maybe because I'm slightly better at that? Do it. 16. Nice. 16 oooh, 16 total? Yep He got a 16 on the dice plus 1. Ah shit. I don't swim well! Plus 3 actually, 19. Yep Woosh! So with him grabbing the bottom of the net and standing leaping, you're knocked prone and he jumps over the top of you. He's still grabbed ahold of the net and he's gonna now try and drag you in. No, no little froggy no! No, nooooooo What's it like feeling so powerless? So that's his movement, his action - I'm letting him do this... - he can't go yet. *mocking laughter*
This is all part of my plan... Baradun, just admit you need help, OK? Baddies number 2, this guy, he goes standing leap over to the door Gaaaaaaaah! Aaaaah! I need you to make an athletics check to hold this door closed please
Oh no... 6 6. He got a- So, it's plus, oh, minus 1 = 5 He got a 10 total, so the door comes *boosh* Argh, he just broke my door!
I'm a garlic farmer, I am not equipped to deal with this Was the Watcher still in my house? Can I ask for help? It hops forward a little bit and then it makes a bite attack with its action *dice roll*
Er, that's not - what's your AC? It's given me a 10 total AC is... 12 So you got a 10 total to hit you, so *woah* you dodge your foot out of the way as his big old frog mouth comes down towards your leg. Misses. That was his turn. Baradun. Is he looking at me at the moment? Er, the frog? Or is he back to me, pulling me into the... Um, yeah, he's probably dragging you into the lake facing forwards OK, I'm going to use disguise self - OK - and I'm going to grab like I'm just going to reach out of the nets and pull a whole lot of seaweed onto myself and make myself look like I've gone and he's just got a whole lot of seaweed in the net You'd better hope this frog is stupid as shit! You must look ridiculous! I mean, I will allow it. So, because you cast a first level spell slot with disguise self, I need you to roll that d20 to see if you get a wild surge as well hey now Baradun don't know that this is the best-- Nope, alright. The frog's like 'I still know it's you...'
So you manage to keep the wild surge down. Yeah cos see you will... No no no, I got out! I got out! I got out bro! I can see you trying to put seaweed on your face No, he's looking the other way Baradun's just like... I'm seaweed! You, you basically smack the skull to yourself and where it hits, your body shape changes shape You can choose to be any other humanoid looking thing. So you can turn yourself into a smaller frog-like man and then cover the seaweed over as extra I'm gonna be one of them, I'm gonna be a froggy thing Alright, so you turn yourself into a- Dude, you ribbit caught me! What an idiot! -into a bullywug effectively- We're like best mates! What? -in a net, and also covered in seaweed Minor illusion! Hm. Even I didn't think that would work As my bonus action, can I talk to him? Sure. And like, be like 'ribbit ribbit ribbit, ribbit! Ribbit?'
What the hell man? Can you make a deception check - Ribbit! - with disadvantage please? Ribbit! Is that their language? 8 Yeah, he just speaks back in a perfect English accent- 5 -what are you talking about? Actually, I'll cancel out the disadvantage from the fact that you do look like them so it's just the 8 plus - 8 plus 5 = 13 13. Alright. So we'll see if that works on his turn Ok, that's Baradun. Er no, that was, yeah, that was Baradun's turn right? Bob. You're up. Bob. Alright Alright mate, I am sick of this cheeky prick. Yeah, and you're out of the net now Yeah, and I'm out of the net, so I'm gonna hit him with my sword Sword. You draw your short sword. Because short swords and daggers are both light weapons you can actually dual wield them I dual wield them. Yes, so make your attack with your short sword Ok. 11 Plus 5 Plus 5 Yep, so 16 to hit. Is enough to hit, he's only wearing hide armour. Great So do that damage Great Yep, 1d6 1. Yes! Plus 3, so 4 4 points. It all counts So, 4 points with that one, and then you roll with your offhand. Roll another attack. And that's another d20? Yep 14 Plus 5 is enough to hit Plus 5, 19 and then you do your d4 but because it's an offhand you don't add the 5 I will give these dice credit, they are easy to see the number Yes, thank you! That's why I picked them Thank you! 3 Another 3. Cool So you did 4 with the first, 3 with the second. So you strike across once, you strike across twice and with that he's instantly bloodied and almost dead. He's on his last legs Take that frog! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it Yeah, you strike down with the short sword, you cut across his arm and a huge bout of sort of purpleish blood comes out. and then with the other dagger, you stick it in where his ribs are Blergh Blergh He just tries to like reach down and grab-
Shit now I feel kinda bad Where's your net now? Arghhh!
I love this shit. That's your attack action, do you want to do any movement? I... nod at him Nod at him Yeesssssss Just you wait mate. When I get to my turn, I'm gonna slice you in two. That's right, I'm gonna end your world Bodger, you're up That's my movement Alrigh' And you're rrrraging and this thing's trying to pull you into the lake Right. Get this f- net off me I wanna roll this net away Roll! 6 Are you trying to just rip the net off? Yeah, rip it off Alright, so roll with advantage because you're raging Ahhhhh! 6 Man, you're good at rolling the same thing twice What's your athletics? Plus athletics? 5. So 11. 11. That's just enough You *rawrggghh* raging you pull this net off. The net still exists for that one because you didn't tear the net you just got out of it. Um, but now you're free of the net and that was your action, you've got movement to do. And now, I'm gonna stay here. I'm gonna stay right here and I'll look at them and go... Well little frogman, on my next turn I'm going to f*** you up Yeah... It's funny imagining these happening in real time, where he's like *ha, ha* And then they wait- -yeah it's my turn coming up, my turn...
You have a go, you have a go, go on... Ooh boy, ooh when it's my turn... Greg Er, so I've kinda been getting pushed back in the house like 'Oh god!' Um, but then I see through my line of sight, because Baradun's been knocked down that I can actually now see um Baelin being attacked and I'm like Nooooooo! BAELIN!!!!! And I look through my house and I find, there's a trowel there and I grab my little trowel so that's my free action, I get my little trowel weapon I'm coming buddy! And, I'm not going to attack the frog, I'm going to cast ray of frost Goodness Alright, cool and on the frog On the frog, awesome which is - pfft check out Greg with the spells!
What do you use as an artificer? Just a really small goblet that I've got in my pouch that I just throw at the frog It hits him. You need to roll an attack I believe, so that is 13 + stuff will hit, yep. So roll the damage, the d8. Roll, oh d8... 6 6. Awesome. So he takes 6 points of cold damage as you hit him with this goblet and this icy water comes spilling out of it and where it spills over like his back legs it *creaks* instantly freezes and slows him down by 10 ft
Yes, that's what I wanted. Yeah, nice. And now for my action, I'm gonna... He is not looking wounded from that, he is still ok Yeah, I noticed this, but I just want to get past him because I want to help my mate Sure Er, so I start movement towards Baelin So with your movement you can go...
You're loyal to Baelin! I like Baelin. Er, so you get to the other side of him with this movement, you continue on towards Baelin Yep Alright, as soon as you leave his melee range he's going to take an attack of opportunity on you *dice roll* Ooh, that's an 18 + 3 that's 21 to hit. That hits Oh shit Isn't he frozen though? He can't turn round? His movement is slowed by the ray of frost, he's not frozen solid. Um, as you leave his melee range, he does 2 points of bludgeoning damage as his big old mouth closes on your leg and you are restrained by it. Aww, shit. So unfortunately, this big old frog grabs ahold... *Ribbit* Ah! Dammit! Ow! Sorry Baelin, I...I can't. I'll be there soon I think but I can't make it right now Mate. Next time deal with the immediate threat in front of you mate. Yeah, exactly, don't worry about Baelin Don't worry about Baelin, Baelin can take care of himself mate- but Baelin's in a lot of...he just took a lot of damage -innit And you've got a giant frog at your feet! Yeah, but, yeah, I'm loyal! Alright- so I'm down to 8 HP Yes. Cool. So that's Greg Then it is the little one with the spear *cries* Aww, he's gonna hurt Baelin He's going for Baelin! Natural 1... So, he brings it across and Baelin just turns-
Mornin'! Nice day for fishin' ain't it? Hu ha! Baelin's like a zen master Neo, just going... Just turns and does one hand He's beginning to believe! Back to the top of the round. The ones with the grabbers. This one with the net is going to try and restrain you again. So, he's going to roll... what's your armour class? My armour class? - Natural 20! - 13
That's going to hit either way Right, I am ready to have my turn. Here we go... Ah! God dammit! NO! No, I just got rid of the net! Why, you can't put the net back on me you piece of shite! This is bullshit! I intentionally was like, be patient have a boring turn, get rid of the net so that next turn's gonna be a fun turn. You should have torn the net off mate, like I did if you destroy the net then he can't use it again Ain't that what I tried to do? I tried to like... You just pulled it off
You got out of it I thought I was pulling it apart... I sliced it apart Ah, it's bullshit, it's bullshit, it's bullshit, it's bullshit, you're bullshit, you're bullshit, it's bullshit And this one is going to turn to you and... ribbit? Ribbit! Right?! Ribbit, right?! Ribbit bro!! And he takes this net, he takes the net off Even though Greg's in a lot of trouble, he still takes the time to think, that shouldn't have worked, thats... Ribbit! And then as his action, he's going to-
These frog guys are not smart -standing jump and then throw a net at you
Hey Greg! I mean, ribbit! You are a real piece of shit Baradun. Ow! Ow! So you're attacked from behind by the giant frog and then also covered in a net This is not going well. Beloved Greg's in a lot of trouble guys! I'd help you if I could, but I'm in a net ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
This one, this one is gonna attack you- No he f***ing ain't! he's gonna - That's what you think! - he has no weapon out so he's gonna bite That's what you think sweetheart He's got no weapon out, so he's gonna bite you. That's gonna be a 20, not natural. So that definitely hits, and you take - Outrageous. *dice roll* you take 3 points of bludgeoning damage as his mouth comes in Ow! He bit me! He actually bit me! That's rude. Don't bite. Just a quick snap and open again, so you're not restrained by him Three points. Oh, I'm on 5 but that shouldn't be right right? Yeah, you start with 8 Yeah. That'll have just been the test run we did You did a little test round, so you should be on 5 now. Yeah, OK, great. Alright, so change it back! Have I taken damage yet? No No, he's just netting you and trying to drag you in, so he's not attacking yet. Er, baddies 2, the frog. He lets go of you now, now that you're restrained and he, and you see that this guy is communicating with this as if he's like telling him what to do as soon as he nets you he goes 'rwah ooh o wuh rwah a oh', and he goes 'ribbit' and jumps He's gonna jump... Wait...wait... he's gonna jump again. Oh for f-- Er, and let me just double check that he can get there So am I down to one restraint now?
Yes, sorry Can I just say, these frog people are really pissing me off. I wanna move on with the story and these frog people are like... So he didn't have enough speed to get there so he had to take the dash action to get to you which means he can't take the attack action as well. Good. Baradun-
Thank God Um, is standing up a bonus action? Stand up's half of your movement Ah, half of my movement, ok, cool, well I don't want to move anywhere so um so I stand up and turn to Greg... I still have all my abilities as a frog eh? Yeah, you're not actually a frog, it's an illusion of a frog. There's two different spells, one just illusions you, and one is actually turning into one These guys definitely have their backs to me, and this guy's got their back to me so I'll be like 'OK Greg!' and I magic missiles him in the back All three to him? Cos you conjure three darts, with magic missile, you can choose to-
Was he hurt at all? He wasn't hurt, was he? Nah, he wasn't hurt yet My guy's nearly rekt This guy is, and this guy is Maybe I'll send two to him, and one to him? Cool. So two on him. So, this is the only spell that actually doesn't require any sort of attack roll, it just automatically hits. Shall I do him first? Go for it So the d4 + 1 2 So, 3 points to him And he'd already taken all of the damage from your swords and this arcane focus comes shooting out of it, one of the eye sockets of your little leprechaun skull. Argh! Just blasts through him, you get covered in bullywug blood Oh, come on! Thanks Baradun, I really wanted to get covered in frog guts this morning Could you give me a warning next time? You're welcome adventurer - Yeah, thanks mate - this is why I'm the most powerful sorcerer in the land And while he's doing all of this, two more arcane focus, arcane darts fire out of the skull at... *dice roll* 2, 3. This guy here? Yep. So he takes 3 And - He's still standing - another one, 4. Aww, there's my boy! That's my boy! Ooh yes! Another 5. That's my boy, Baradun And with that, as he grabs you in the net and... Magic missiles! *Boom* *Boom* Once again Greg, you're welcome. I am the best sorcerer in the land, ribbit! Ha ha. You can't deny it. You can't deny it... Thank you... I mean, ribbit. Right? Ribbit, right?! And I need you to make a wild surge check cos you cast a level one spell. So is the net off me now? Does the net come off me? Nope. It's still on? Nah, 16. 16, you're fine. Alright, so you feel the magic bubbling up within you but you manage to keep it down So that was Baradun's turn, right? Yep You're not moving anywhere? Into the bushes Into the bushes! Bob. Your turn Alright. Alright. Alright. Big old dog-sized frog Yeah, big old dog-sized frog Alright, so I turn to face him. Mhmm. Good start, good start. Good start, good start! And that's my turn And I go, how's it going mate? Roll a dice on that, check Yeah, do you pronounce your words properly? Pronunciation, d20... Err, this frog in the, this frog in the bushes is giving me the creeps too. I might shoot him with my bow No, I, um, I stab this guy in the face With your short sword? Yep Alright, roll your attack Nice! 16. So that definitely hits Plus 5 so that's a 21
Definitely hits Roll the damage
and then I need a damage... *crash* Jesus!
1 - Yes! You like rolling one's on your damage
Oh yes! 1 + 3. Yes! 1 + 3 so that's 4 damage. And then as your bonus action you can take your offhand attack with your dagger Yeah, lets do it So, roll it 18
Yeah, definitely hits And then roll the damage, just not the modifier 1! Woo! One extra! You have, you-
I just like to make it slow and painful Have you rolled anything other than a one on damage dice so far? I don't think so You just like to do minimum damage? Slowly cut them apart CrazyBen: Slice very slowly that way... ...and slice very slowly that way... and now you'll bleed. Very slowly. Or potentially die of tetanus. At some point. So, think about that. If you stand there for two hours, you'll be dead Use a butter knife, just slowly... So, with that first one, you strike through and cut a huge, er, a huge section of its gular sac open *Retching* And then with the next one, you stick it in and it hits one of its front legs. Oww! It seems to be bloodied but not dead yet. Er, so that was Bob. Lucky I only rolled a 1 mate! Moving anywhere Bob? Ah...no. Bodger, you're up. Sigh I'm gonna - he does that - I'm gonna cut this net Technically, you haven't attacked or taken damage since your last turn so your rage ends *Awkward silence* Sigh. *uncaring giggles* He's off! Right - Better to learn that now at first level in an inconsequential fight Right right yeah right right right right... I thought you'd got...yeah, ok. Fine. I'll tell you what. Cut the damn net off! Cut the damn net off! Alright. Fucking hell! So you get one of your hand axes out and you attack the net so make an attack roll 1, this is gonna be a 1 With disadvantage because you're restrained 11 With disadvantage cos you're restrained Aaargh...
It's gonna be a 1... 12 So, 11 plus stuff that's enough to hit the net and your minimum amount is- Get off me! Huah Right. The net's gone now right? We're done with the f****** net? RIGHT. Alright - that's my turn - do you wish to move anywhere? You've still got movement. Er well *stammers*
And a bonus if you want to rage again No I'm not gonna waste my rage this time I'm gonna wait so. I'm gonna wait for my next turn so I can smash him in the face He's got another net! The frog looks up at you and goes...ribbit ;) Oooh, it's comin' Oooh, you're gonna get ma hammer when it comes to ma next turn... There's all this fun, there's all this fun happening over here and then just like Bodger Ha Ha Greg, you're up
Grrrrrr Ok, so I'm gonna to try and get out, just pull the net off Alright - I'm just gonna frantically... - so make an athletics check please Argh! Ahh! Er, 19 Definitely enough, definitely enough. Great You whip, you throw that net off - I don't know what you're complaining about Bodger taking that net off was like super easy. Barely an inconvenience. It's still there - And it lands near Bodger, this one runs over gets it and puts it back And I throw it at B... I, um, ok so now I'm gonna move. Just keep running towards my boy Baelin Alright Ma boi! So that's your movement
Yep You've used your action to get out of the net Ah, ok - any bonus action from you? I don't think I have any bonus actions
No, I don't think you do at this level I'm coming Baelin! So that's as far as you can get Greg
Yep, that's me. Then it is this guy's turn He is not liking that he's now surrounded
is he going to go for Baelin again? You're running at him, you're the bigger threat That was the one I got sliced by aye?
Yeah, yeah. You're the bigger threat so he's going to leave Baelin alone as he moves out of his attack range, Baelin gets an attack of opportunity Hey, he actually hits - nice - sorry, you can roll if you want Well, you've done a good one Can you roll a d4 for me? The d4 is an improvised attack with the butt of his - with the what one, sorry? - d4, pointy one, caltrop Mornin'! Nice day for... ...fishin' ain't it? 2! Nice Plus Baelin's strength, probably a 0, so 2 points of damage to that guy Wham! Well, I think you underestimate Baelin... Is he super strong?
He's done a lot of fishing Maybe he lost 3 then? Give him an extra- I think we're gonna find out he might be quite strong...
He's above average strength Above average strength
Winky, winky audience ...at some point ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) Alright... Mornin'! So, gives him a whack as he moves out of his range he moves up towards you, hops off the little rock into the lake and he's going to go for you with his spear F*** Everyone attacks the new guy...
Natural 1 again! this guy's got a natural 1 twice now!
Yesss So he reaches out, but thankfully just fortuitously you happen to be bringing back one hand to thrust forward with the other - nailed it - and the dagger parries the spear to the side. Alright, er then it is baddies 2 which is the big old frog he is not liking that you're getting attacked let's see if he's going to run away. He has the mind of a regular beast Natural 20. He is. He's strong-minded. He's going for ya Dammit. Thankfully it was the natural 20 on his check and not his actual attack Yes, thank God! Er, so 12 + modifier, is that going to hit? what's your AC? Pfft, mate. Let me tell you all about my AC... 14. Yep, so that is a 15 total, he's got a plus 3 modifier AC. Armour class. I knew that. Did you though? You take - he's using abbreves - ooh, that was a 6 He's trying to save time... That was a max on the d6 so 6+1, you take 7 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh shit! Ow! Ow! He's got my leg! Ow ow ow So, I'm dead then? No You're down Not dead. This is how death works in D&D So, take 7 Yep So, negative 2 And you're dying. You're unconscious with the pain, you pass out Hrrrrrkk Hrrrrrkk Aw, this sucks You're used to being passed out
This adventurer's very - Yeah stay like that right now until - Until somebody - Can he commit to this? Just commit So, you are unconscious - This adventurer is very weak, is he level one? Commit!
Commit to it! And when you... ...when it comes round to your turn you can either get closer to dying or closer to being stabilised. Time will tell... K. Great. So that was the big old thing
Good man, good man... Baradun, it's your turn. Yes, stay there... Umm...I am going to aim at the big frog - big old frog - and use fire bolt Fire bolt! You are...where are you? Oh, you're another little frog I am a frog you're this guy? Still, everyone's still got their backs to me, I haven't ruined anything Yeah, you're within range
1d10? Make your attack first to see if it hits Please save me... 15 15 plus...do I do any spell-
Yes, that definitely hits 15 plus your spell casting modifier Imagine if I die now?? First round... Ah, I have a plus 5 so that's - First fight of the game We've got you for the day Ben, this is you for the next like 10 hours Bob survived years on the streets of Eastwatch And died by a frog He's cavorted around the lands for years getting into fights, getting into scrapes now he gets killed by a frog. This is the problem with having such an elaborate backstory that you're like I've done this and I've done this and I've done this... and I start with 8 hit points.
And I'm sooo weak like how really Ok, here we go, and I do 7 points of damage
He's only got 8 hit points - - cos he's hungover
7 points of fire damage *Whoosh, bang!* Strikes into that, he had exactly 7 left so how do you want to kill the big frog? He explodes, and all of the the guts just go on this dying dude that I've never met before So the frog, with his gular sac ripped open, he reaches forward, snaps on one of your arms Bam! The pain is enough to make you pass out and it drags you to the ground, you're restrained within its big old tight frog jaws and then as it *croak* it breathes in to give another *ribbit* you see this gular sac open and the wound *bleugh* and you fire bolt *schoom* right inside it and then *boosh* explodes this frog from within showering you in guts Ah great Are they like healing guts? Healing - like in Star Wars - Yeah Alright, Baradun. Any movement from you? Er, I am quite happy in the bushes, thank you. Cool Bob. It's now your turn, I need you to make a death saving throw please *Groans* So this is just a straight roll, nothing added to it. You need an 11 or high- 18! *laughter* Are we counting that? I do tend to say, if you didn't mean to roll then roll again cos if it was shit- Well I definitely meant to roll that... cos if it was shit you would have been like 'oh, I didn't mean to roll that!' and roll it again Urgghhh... That's an 8. So that's one failed save, you get slightly closer towards death Argggh someone come revive me Someone? No? Alright.
(Outrageous...) There is a place to mark that on your sheet If you want to mark off one fail. Oh yeah.
Fail. Bodger, it's now your turn Right! You little shit! Time...to die. Rage! He goes 'Rrrrraaage!' Does rage have a negative effect if you use it too many times? No. It doesn't? Ok, good. Frenzy does, but he gets that at level 3. Rage!!!!! I grab my hammer. I lift it, I look at the little shit. With my hammer right above my head, I lift it up and I go to swing it down. Make an attack roll... *Rasping sounds as Bob makes a big fuss about dying* 20!
Natural 20! Woo! On him.
And you're raging So, double the dice double the attack damage dice Er, that's my - is it d8? - d12? Is it d12? You said you were using a hammer so technically it should be less but I'll allow for the d12 as if you were using a greataxe. Oh yeah, d12 -
That one, twice. Oop, do it again One. Uh oh...
That was cocked That was cocked It was cocked... 11 11. And again cos it was a natural 20 so it was a critical hit He's definitely dead already? Oh yeah, definitely 3 3, so 14 plus your rage damage which is 5 So 19?? He literally explodes
So 19 damage So is he -
Onto his skull, just like *BAM!* right between the two bulbous eyes in the middle of the head Ooh, I've been waiting for this moment... Here it comes... Ooh, you're gonna feel the full force of this and I am gonna give you a show Here we go... Booosh! Can we bring it into slow motion? Rrrragh! RAGE! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaagggghh!!!! khykkkkhbbbooshboooom... One of the bulbous eyes... Teeth...*ping ping ping* Raaaaaarghhh! Ooohhhh! Yes! Yes, get him! Urghh! Yes! Get him yes! Bodger?! Eww.
Yes! One more! That's right... Bodger! WHAT?! Nice work. I like the spin move, I'm gonna do that later Very good work. He was already dead!! Very good work. Ahhhhh Arggh Ooh, that felt good! I got 'im guys! He died five hits ago! Very good...
I love a bit of ultra-violence me... Amazing! Your net didn't hurt me that time you little **** did it? Aww god...get that out of my head!
I love it...I love it. Yeah! Ooh! I'm ready! What do you do with your movement? Anything? Well, I mean, who's left? I'm going for that guy You see one in the bushes...
Hey! Hey! Whoa whoa whoa whoa You don't know
Yeah I'm going for that one as well Has he seen me? I'm in the bushes Er, you're on this side of the bushes, marked from this side but from his point of view...
I'm going for that little... I'm comin' for ya! You're next I'm coming for you Yeah! I'm coming for you! No! Bodger! It's me, Ribbit! I mean, Baradun! Shit! Ribbit! Argh! Alright, I'm going to, um, I just realised from a previous purchase I made some adventurer sold me a crossbow That's right A light crossbow. So I'm gonna fire it at this dude Sure thing. You also have this, not telling you - no, I know, - not telling you what to do
I thought I'd do that once I'd dealt with the threat though Ok, cool So, yeah, you fire at this little dude with the spear Yep He is wearing a shield unlike the other ones Oh, he's wearing a shield? He didn't have, yeah, he didn't have a net so he had a shield and a spear instead Ah did he? Did he now? Seems like there were two different types The grabbers and the thugs Right...right Um, I still give it a go, y'know? Alright, do it. 13. So 13 plus your modifier of? 4 Yes. 17
17 So, 17 to hit is enough to hit even with his shield. Brings it up but from this close range with your light crossbow *thunk* it cuts through the largely rotten wooden shield and does some damage How much damage? Oh sorry, d8? 8! Nice. Alright, he'd taken a little bit of damage from Baelin as well so - not really my style but - 8 + 2 so 10 points of piercing damage as it goes through the rotten shield he lifts it up Frog this And it seems like it's blocked it and then the shield drops and you see it sticking out of one of his bulbous eyes That's a dope shot! And he just falls forwards, dead in the water That's for hurting my friend Baelin That's a dope shot Nice Now there's only one frog left, right guys? Why would you say that? That's the opposite thing you should say Any movement from you? Yeah, now I'm gonna run over to, I missed Baradun, so I'm gonna run over to this guy with the intention of healing
Run over to the dying guy who bought- Hey! What's up man?
Gotta look after your customers right? Yeah yeah yeah Er baddies 3 is dead, baddies 1's dead, baddies 2 is dead
I will look through your pockets for gold before I heal you Baradun So we are still in combat order because time is of the essence Um, I, what do I have to do to get rid of the illusion? I just - you just drop it Ok. Illusion's gone. I'm Baradun again. Baradun appears in the bushes Bodger, make an intelligence check please Ok...Oh yeah That's the d20? Yep 11 Minus 1 because your intelligence so 10 You see the illusion drop and Baradun comes back
Dispel illusion! If it was too low I'd be like - If it was lower you'd have been like 'holy shit!' 'This thing turned into us, they're shape shifters' I'll buy it for now. I'll buy it for now, but I'm watching you Bob Death saving throw please Can I move? Can I move as well? Would you like me to roll it? Because if it's a natural 1, you're completely gone Ah, it's fine It's fine? When do I ever roll ones?
Let Rob roll... When do I ever roll ones?
Let Rob roll! I'm rolling! Oh gods that was so close, that was so close to a natural 1! Oooooh, Whoa I'm so glad it wasn't a natural 1 because I don't know what I'd have done I'd have been like 'they're level one, they don't have access to resurrection magic' I've got nothing prepared for this Right! Well I'm off home! Thanks Ben for showing up for a half day, that's a wrap on Ben... You're still tottering between life and death Bodger, you're up Ok, so I saved - one success, one failure Bodger, you're up Anything you're doing? Er, *loud death rattle from Bob* er... Die quietly please!! I'm gonna...ah...¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You could just go back to your shop? I'll just go back to my shop Alright. Nothing really is going on anymore
Er, Greg? Yeah, I'm gonna do cure wounds on -
I'm gonna do grease I'm gonna do, yeah, fire grease! Grease lightning! I cure wounds on this guy I've never met before Cure wounds, alright, so you touch this guy who's clearly dying but I'm going to check through his pockets really quick and just, because You son of a bitch. Look it's not, it's just not a good business model to - No the cure wounds is - I'm the rogue here, not you. I'm the one picking pockets, not you I'm not going to steal, I'm just going to take the the right amount to- Roll an investigation check The right amount for what?! To pay for the healing To pay for the healing Find gold to cover the expenses of - I really don't think I wanna pay you for this - the potion Now that, I will pay you for I...er...do not need...payment. I will just revive you Oh c'mon, that was just getting good out of the kindness of my heart I'll get the thing...... As an artificer, what do you use for cure wounds? Er, I'll have to have a think about this actually, like, this could take a while *dying noises intensify* He's gonna make another death save unless you act soon Okay okay, I get out a, it's a magical, er, bucket Okay, sure! So, magical bucket and he splashes the contents over and as it splashes over your wounds you heal a d8 Plus your spellcasting modifier, +3 You heal 11 hit points, which take you back up past, past your full, back up to 8. Right Oh Shit That was close You must feel very indebted to this man? So, what do I do now? Do I? So you can say success pass pass pass until you stabilise and then add up back to your maximum Saved! You succeeded against the frogmen He saved your life I'm passing and it's not... I'll wait for the, I'll get some gratitude soon, I'm sure I need everyone to make a perception check please I got 8 My one was cocked, that's why I picked it up again everybody 11 Plus your perception modifiers Erm, 8 Baradun, you don't see What's your perception modifier Bodger? What're we doing? Perception modifier. My perception modifier is 0 Minus 1, I'm on 10 Natural 1...
Makes sense you're out of it Yeah yeah...that's what it is 10, and yours is? 13 So Bodger, you're the one who sees as all this is happening and you're kinda doing nothing else you're looking out over the thing, you're surveying the lake, you see another maybe 3 or 4 of these eyes *blop* pop up like further down this way and then start going that way further downstream Moving away from us? I'll get some gratitude soon. -_- Upstream rather I'll get some gratitude soon... Hey Greg! You're looking like you're in a bad mood! Nah, nah, it's fine You're sure? Hmm, it looks like you're waiting for something? Yeah, I mean I'd appreciate something to be said a little bit You just look a little bit kind of...upset Really? Yeah Really? Mhm Fuckin' hell Alright Thank you o powerful Greg for pouring some fucking water on me
There you are, very nice. Thank you sooooooooooooooooo - Heartwarming - ooooooo much You're welcome. And am I going to get a thank you for distracting the giant f***ing frog that was trying to kill you? Anyway guys, sorry to interrupt but I've noticed somethin' I've noticed something. Back to me What? I saw like the froggy things over there, moving away from us wonder what that means??? You also see Baelin, who is now bleeding profusely from his side Oh shit! He hooks up a pair of tongs Hey! Yep! Throws them to you and you've got some tongs back Baelin, thanks for the tongs! I've been looking for those they were missing and now I've got them. You are a good fisherman and I like it. More of the shit that these guys have stolen was seemingly taken into the lake and now they're escaping with it. Oh! Oh! Oh! Your book! But I don't know that. My gold! I've got this! I'm assuming they've got my book Oooooooooh...
They've probably got my gold These things were clearly interested in taking you as well and they realised they can't Well, we need to, we need to...I'm sure the helmet that I was, er, making for... ...that I was told to make...
You were commissioned to make yeah Commissioned to make Do we just listen to him try and form sentences? You guys are just continuing on And he's like 30 feet away, we're like 'what??' I'm trying to do the thing, err Muttering to himself in his blacksmith shop I'm gonna, I'm chasing, I'm chasing the thing I'm chasing them, I'm chasing -
I'm chasing as well, I want my book! Into the water? Into the water. No. He may be going in the water but I'm running down the path Alright, so So you, between you, presumably you two are going as well? Er, well I'm gonna say You need, like that was the most expensive thing in your shop Whoa! Well- And the jewellery box was taken as well, so there's quite a lot of your goods taken Well, I guess if we're just going down there Fine. I'll go. You set off further upstream Well, I'll join in
Should I? Should I? - - is, is...I need to help my mate out though Baelin's just bleeding into the water -
Just bleeding to death - fishing away I wanna heal my friend Baelin We'll say, I won't let you, I won't make you use all your resources on NPCs. So he fishes up and luckily, he *oh* he fishes up a light healing potion Ahh! Mornin'! Nice day for fishin' ain't it? Now he's bleeding out of his - hu ha! On with my daily route Yeah! Daily route
That's right Kickstarter You might call it Baelin's Route You might!
And he's off... And he's off on an adventure There's a really good story there that we should really find out about I feel like we should make that -
I wonder what happens? At some point I feel like we should make that I mean, shall we follow it now? cos we can do that, it's D&D I can just follow, let's just follow Baelin Alright, so, Baelin goes down the... No no no no, he goes over here and he's fishing So. You set off after the frogmen, I'll just let you know they're called bullywugs in D&D Bollywugs? Bully, as in to bully someone Bullywogs and then W U G Bullywug Bullywug, bullywugs, bullywugs You set off after these bullywugs and giant frogs and stuff Occasionally seeing them pop up above the river they're going upstream, towards, out of Honeywood and towards the forest of Lightwood Mhm, ok Blightwood? Lightwood, Lightwood. Learn the map of Azerim dawg! Soz dawg He will, over time, we'll explore it together Yeah, thanks man Umm Further upstream, right before the forest begins, the ground starts to get a little more sodden, little bit more muddy The drainage basin is not as good here and so it's turned into more of a swamp at the sides of Lightwood As they, as you enter, you hear that there is no usual swamp noises no dragonflies, no mosquitoes, no nothing Hmmm... It seems like the bullywugs have been eating rather ravenously of the wildlife in this area Ahhh, that explains the lack of insects back at Honeywood Frogs like to- When there was the poos around there should have been and... Ah right, I've figured it out! There's no flies because the frogs ate the sea monster and the sea monster's smell was what was attracting the frogs and now there's no flies So. The frogs are the bad guys Good stuff. Got it. Well done Bodger Right! So, you get towards the edge of this swamp you know that they are heading into the swamp what do you do? Do you continue to follow? Is there anything you can - We need to get our shite back Yeah, I'm just gonna to wade deep, I'm just going to get in there Jesus! It's been a bad day I'm an adventurer now! I'm going to find my book let's get in the water, come on! I think Bob's gonna go 'mmm, let me think about this before I just dive into the swamp with the giant frogs' I'm already wet and the - I mean, it was a lot of gold - That's true - More gold than you've had in a long time. That's true Get in the water, c'mon guys, let's look for our stuff! Let's do it! Baradun. Are you sure you want to be farting around in that river? Where's my spellbook? I can swim, I think I can swim? Let's try this out *gasping* Thought you're meant to be the high sorcerer mate. Upstairs for thinking, downstairs for dancing, alright? I'm like on the thing, I'm like oh let's wade in, let's get in there Yeah, where are we entering from? I'll I'll get to that Alright, so you continue into the swamp - patience mate - you push in for a little while more you eventually, as you start to push in deeper and deeper into this swamp trying to stick to the driest parts as best you can um, you start to notice there are other frogs. Regular sized frogs that are just sort of sitting and *ribbit* - just normal frogs Just watching And then as you push further in, these normal sized frogs start to get rather large maybe rat-sized frogs and then slightly larger Something's making them get bigger... But what? Eventually, you get to, er, it gets quite deep. Now you're under the canopy of Lightwood, within Lightwood but still in swampy sort of terrain Slightly less so, little bit more defined rivers just because of the root systems of the trees but still kind of marshy.
Are we getting wet feet? Yes Awww, my socks are wet. Most definitely, you're all at least up to your upper thighs in mud and water at certain times ♫ My socks are wet, I do not like wet socks ♫ ♫ My socks are wet, I do not like wet socks ♫ ♫ My socks... Alright Occasionally you see some more bullywug eyes pop up and look at you Hmm, that are like the ones that we fought? Yep And then - back underneath Why? What is their motivation? You even see these popping up behind you you realise you are in their territory now
We're being surrounded, we're being surrounded Guys we need to get onto some like firmer ground And like, we also need to just get on the playing board I'm putting you on there now. Where are you? Here you are So, as you walk in basically following the stream upstream. You come in from this way And, what would be the general marching order? Who would be pushing in front?
Well Greg would be behind Baradun's the leader. Obviously. So. I really feel like he would be a bit more cowardly and probably be not at the front
Bodger's probably second-ish He's level one Yeah, I think he knows that he's actually weak, but he's pretending to be - He'd be behind Bodger going - He's just like leaning out from behind Bodger Yeah, yeah, being like go - we're the leaders, we're the leaders - Greg's, Greg's right at the back
- together! Can bullywugs speak common? Er, they haven't yet You're not sure if they can but they haven't yet. Ummm... This must be something I know, right? Oh yeah, true, you would still have your knowledge, actually no, make a nature check for me please +2 great 14 + 2 = 16 So you, you're starting to realise that not only is your magic been sucked from your body, the powers, you think about these things and think why do I not recognise what these are? And then you rack your brains and you're like 'Oh yeah yeah bullywugs yeah' and then you realise these are really common like low-level mobs in this game that you know you're in And we're having difficulty And not only that but - I don't know what you're talking about - but you had trouble remembering what they were like, it seems like he's really taken away a lot of your experiences You need to do some more luminosity But yes, you do now remember them with that nature check and you do know that they are unable usually to speak common They speak their own language I will not try and speak to them. So as you walk in you continue on, pushing forwards and a lot of them sort of step to the side Most of them armed with either spears and shield, or a net More of these little shits. So as you walk in you continue on pushing forwards and a lot of them sort of step to the side most of them armed with either spears and shield or a net Yes, you should step to the side THANK YOU Are they being like, are they being hostile towards us? Nope, they're just watching you enter They're sort of stepping aside as you walk through There must be some leader, there must be some sort of, some being that controls - central nervous system As you get to about here, there is a lot of commotion begins within them BLELELELELELELELE!
There's a lot of excitement BLELELELELELELELE! A lot of very loud, very loud croaking And then you see, as you sort of push through the -
That's just Bodger Just trying to communicate to one of them HBLELELELELELE!
BLELELELE! LELELELELELELELELELE Hold up! Hold up! Hold up hold up hold up Alright mate? Yeah, I'm fine, innit You sure? Yeah, d'ya mean? Yeah, don't think it's working mate It's not working but Keep trying, keep trying The one you're talking to lifts his spear, and just points forward in the direction you were facing *ribbit* Right... I meant to do that Yeah, but you don't really know where he's leading you
Good work? Same intelligence level that he's got so... He's gesturing you forward, towards this as you push past the bushes and things in this swamp area, you see an old abandoned house made out of mostly wood, lots of it rotten, there's two storeys to it and on the upper storey, there's a little bit of a balcony. Um, and on this house, it's just adorned with fabrics really old, rotted, moulded fabrics. But it seems to be dressed up as though it's like the regal chambers of sort of like your bedchambers with the tapestries and banners and all sorts of stuff hung off the sides as if it's meant to look all nice and regal and stuff but it's just made out of things that have not been looked after at all. Let. Us. Investigate. So, Bodger says this and pushes forwards As you get to the edge there Bodger, you see the upper doors *boosh* burst open and out comes an enormous toad even larger than these giant frogs, this thing is about the size of a yak Oh geez This is a bulette. It's not actually a bulette, it's just cos I don't have a giant toad Good god, that thing's the size of a yak! *laughter* That's very observant of you! You see an enormous toad,
- a large yak and he comes out onto the balcony
- I know yaks He's about the size of a yak or a large cow What's that? What're you saying? I said that's water between us and - yes, water between you Er, he's sitting all sort of bunched up on the upper balcony and he's covered over by an untreated animal hide as though he's under a blanket. His skin is warty and mottled green and he's got a large yellow pustule on the top of his head His bulbous eyes just That's a weak spot It's a weak spot If I know video games... His bulbous eyes are just kinda watching you lazily Hold up!
Hold up We'd already stopped Yeah hold up. Hold up I'm going to try and communicate with him Alright, what do you say? BLELELELELELELELELELELE Er, I don't think that's how you're supposed to communicate with- I'm talking to the creature right now do you speak their language? No? Well I do Can you make a persuasion check with disadvantage please What are you trying to say in English? I don't know, I'm just hoping He's just trying to any...BLELELELE?? I dunno? 4 With disadvantage - with disadvantage, roll again in case it's lower Okay... Can it go lower? No
6 So 4 4. Any persuasion modifier? Uh, persuasion? I think I've actually got a little bit, hang on, where's my? One moment please as I open the app up Persuasion? Yeah, 2. *pitying laugh* - 5, 6
6. LELELE! LELELELELEL OULELE Bodger, you're not speaking to him Can you just let me give it a crack? Like it's better than nothin' How many cracks is it gonna take? *up an octave* lelelelelele So as you call this out to this creature, its lips pull back in a grotesque mimicry of common speech. It croaks Well I don't know what you're trying to say but what have my children brought to me now? And then it - gross! - lifts its spindly front legs from under itself revealing a few wooden planks strapped to one arm like a shield and a tattered vulture's head umbrella with the actual canvas part completely missing Using it as like a walking cane effectively and it pushes down, and it lifts its huge torso up off the deck and its strong yet thin spindly back legs are just like shaking under the weight of this enormous toad that's now standing like a bipedal creature Good God! And you see that the animal tattered skin falls down its front as though it's wearing it like a king's robes and it's got a large, once golden, now really tarnished, heavily tarnished and muddied necklace around its neck So. We have guests eh? Let me introduce myself My name is King Lord Sir Conrau, first of my line, acolyte of Ramenos, ruler of all of Lightwood Grand Croaker, lover of the flies ummm... Whe- whe-
King of what? wearer of the - don't interrupt, I'm going to have to start again Umm, my name is - oh **** insolence My name is King Lord Sir Conrau Sir Conrau? Baradun steps forward. Lord Sir Conrau! Yes, yes, yes, yes, we have heard of you and you may have heard of me? I am high sorcerer Baradun of the Temple of Carlebor and I am here to- Insolence! Can't you stop these insolent questions? Guys, guys,
let me take the reins here Ahem ALELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELELE King Lord WHAT? As he been drinking the swamp water? I can't understand him. I don't know about you, can you guys? I'm trying ok? I don't have the same vocal cords as you The woman who awokened me didn't also imbue me with the right vocal cords so I'm trying my best A woman? I've been, I've been going to speech therapy It's going very well! Thank you! I talk much better than my comrades
Yeah, alright, alright, alright So, what do you think? Should I add more to my name? I feel like it's missing things I think, I think it's...
Oh god Do you know what? I love your name.
In fact I've heard a lot about you As you may know, I am Baradun, the high sorcerer of the Temple of Carlebor Er, I, I do not know who you are Well, I'm a pretty big deal around these parts I'm I'm sure you are but not quite as big as I am I am the King and er of all of Lightwood and did I mention my name is King Lord Sir Conrau Sir Conrau. I bow down to that. I've heard great things about you Sir Conrau and I, I want to elevate your status even higher Oh wonderful!
Yes... How do you propose we do this? Well, once I get back to Carlebor I want to tell everyone there about you Oh wonderful, spread my rule even further Exactly, but to get there I'm missing a book... A book you say? Yes, I'm missing a book Ah, is it part of my collection? I have many books in my collection Well, there's one in parti- Would you care to see my collection? Not right now... I have a wonderful, how about your friends? Would you care to see my collection? I have quite- Yeah, alright, I'll come in! Yeah, he seems very hospitable Yes, let's come in ...lelelele NO! No need to come in when I can display it out here There's one particular book He turns and *blergh* and he give like this huge deep croak and then out from the side comes another equally large toad *Boom boom* *Boom boom* My god, another yak-sized frog!
He comes out to the balcony - and then this one goes -
That's very observant of you! Rwar, rwargh
Oh no! He's not gonna? Ewww Eughh!!! And just this unseemly amount of - It's his book frog! - of stuff comes out of his mouth, just things that should not fit in a frog of this size but there's It's like a TARDIS there's trinkets, there's goblets, there's silverware, there's all kinds of manner of baubles and all sorts of things that this guy has collected over the years and it just spews and spews until there's like an enormous pile of things just around, just like poking out of the top of the water You see, let's see, everybody make a perception check please 8, 3! 19
****ing nailed it! Er, not great...
I win! I'm doing real well... 4, no 3 sorry. 19, 19. 7, 7. Oh right, then I add perception to it Err... 6 6 total? Yep Alright, so you three were under ten, right? Yep You got 19 19... So as you're the closest Bodger, makes sense this guy spews all this stuff into the water *splash* and as it starts to pile up and out of this murky, swampy, dirty water you see one of the last things to get spewed up is an iron shiny helmet *ting* that you definitely recognise as your own and it lands just on top of the pile of stuff Right. Whoa, it's quite impressive isn't it? And it's growing by the day, my children are collecting things from all over Can I stop you there? INSOLENCE!! Whoa. I don't think that's a good id... No no no no you're starting to piss me off Wow, I apologise on his behalf I want -
- he does not mean that No no no, no no no no, don't apologise I mean every word that I'm saying, you're boring me. I want my helmet back you are a thief - whoa Bodger...? - and you're quite frankly, I want my 20 bucks back
I don't think you should really be talking when we're surrounded by these guys... Oh, you're going to get 20 ****ing whacks Bodger, I don't mean to be, I don't mean to raise the alarm... Can you please make an intimidation check? Greg. Can't help but notice I'm the one surrounded by frogs again You've really messed this up 18 Plus intimidation Er, intimidation is... 4! 22! Bodger, there are a lot of frogs around us We are surrounded! surrounded by enemies mate but he is boring the shit out of me Please. Don't No no no... now listen mate
Oh...he doesn't mean that... Now you listen mate. Now you listen to every ****ing word that I've got to say here mate Swearing's not necessary... Yeah? You're gonna give us our shit back - stop swearing - or you're gonna get 20 ****ing whacks D'ya mean? [Conrau] I mean, there's no need for such language and violence I, I rule with majesty but also a kind hand so if I have taken something of yours, if you give me something of equal worth or something shinier or more valuable or do for me as your friend has suggested and laud my regalness throughout the lands Greg... What? Go. Er, I don't really have anything on me but do you have anything broken you want fixed? You can fix things? I can fix things, yeah, I'm pretty good *ribbit* *ribbit* And then the huge tongue of this one *boosh* through the pile and then *slurp* brings out a broken sword that's like just, it's got all sorts of nicks and things in it Yep yeah This one is a favourite of my collection And then he throws it towards you, it splashes down in the water Yeah, let me just go ahead and mend that, that's fine, no worries So you take a minute to cast mending on it what do you use to cast mending? I...use...
Just genuinely just mend it? I genuinely just have tools Just have tools to mend it to do the job You take a minute, for some reason a minute is enough and finished! There you go! Just give it a good polish You're by the blacksmith... *Gasp* Yeah... Oh this is it Are you sure Greg? You know that repairing swords and stuff is like what I do? That was actually surprisingly easy Oh, that's bullshit Ooh, there's a bit that needs tweaking...
And done. So...shiny! And then he *boosh* leaps off of the thing and *splash* just completely swamps all three of you Gah! That wasn't necessary in horrible, murky, disgusting tidal wave of swamp water And now that he's up close you see that the yellow pustule on top is actually a tiny little crown that is held in place by the fact that it's perfectly made to fit around a wart on his head Oooooooh... He's got a shiny crown... He does have a shiny crown Shiny...
Wait! Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa I want it I don't think that's a good idea It's made of gold. I wannit. It looks quite shiny... I'm gonna try and get it I, I, I am happy to take such items from you as, as payment, what would you like from my treasure? Well?
Bob wanty... I would like a particular book Er - It has - let me see and he - it has spells written on the front and he just dives into the pile of treasure And then the things come *ping*
I didn't specify what book... A fork. *whistles throught the air* Another thing... Bauble... Some sort of, pair of eyeglasses... I guess I'm also like, Ah, I thought we were going for the things that I lost why are we going for this book that has - No no no, this book is very important to me Yeah no I just want my items back from my shop, I am in no way tied to this book at all I don't care Greg Eventually he comes to the surface,
I polished your sword! and he walks back over, he's got nothing in his hands other than the things that he was holding before and he walks over to you Baradun and then *bleurgh* Aww, I'm gonna stand back *retch* and he spews up four different books one of which is the spellbook that you recognise Oooh, I will grab that! Yeah! Ewwwww Awwww, yuck! Ewwwwww, wipe it on me Urgh Baradun, you're still holding it, yuck! Do you think I'm happy about this? I want my spellbook Ah ah ah, not so fast! That is still part of my collection I'm holding it If you wish to do some, me to, to do something - sorry, common is not my first language If you want for me to do something for you, you shall want to do something for me I'm going to spread the name of your kingdom across the land And that is much appreciated, but I have more pressing needs While they're distracted, can I try and steal the crown? Yeah, so make a sleight of hand check. You're doing so with your hand or with your mage hand? Ooooooo What's the difference? Mage hand has disadvantage because you're not a high enough level to use it very well yet But it means that you don't have to go up to his face and try and just like pat him on the - Hey man! How's it going? Yoink! Hey! What's that over there? Wahey! You get the sandbag like to weigh the same You just grab something else, just grab a mug from out of his thing *thunk* He's got a mug on his head No, I use my mage hand You use your mage hand So, for those who can see him, have you walked up now? I've lost you I'm here Oh, you've walked over onto the - Yeah, I walked round behind him So for those who can see, you see him kinda just flick his hand like so and as soon as he does so, it's like his hand is covered in a very thin, very silvery silk glove which instantly flies off of his hand and just hovers in front of you Yeah boi... I like this Fancy! Fancyyy! So, you've got your mage hand active, what do you want to do with it? You going to try and nip the thing off his head? Yeah! I wanna try and steal his crown This could go very wrong I feel like it's going to Make a sleight of hand check with disadvantage Yeah I checked it. It's fine. *laughter* Roll d20? It was a 20, it was a natural 20 on both of them I checked it, it's fine... 9... with disadvantage So 9's the lowest, so roll it again Alright, ooh, 4 ooooh, so 4, plus your sleight of hand
we're in trouble... We're in trouble 4 plus sleight of hand, 7 Ooh, 7 total, and the bullywug's can - No, 7 sleight of hand Ah, plus 7, 11 in total Yeah, 11 total Er and his passive perception...*nervous laughter* This glove comes over and he, one of his eyes goes *bloop* just looks at it as it flies closer What?! And he watches it gets closer and then you just stop it like this far from his face and he goes "that's new?" Ayayayayayay, ignore that Is this for me? And then he *NUM* Aw fuck! Takes the hand into his mouth So what can you do with the glove while it's inside him? you could really mess this guy up Yeah, I could Ok, so now it's inside of him Mmm can I grab his tongue? Sure, make an athletics check with the hand Ok
So this is going to be a minus 4 What were you hoping to accomplish here?? Bit of like leverage So, 4 total Yeah, bit of leverage You feel like the hand has got a hold of something Ok great. Guys! I've got something! I've grabbed something inside of him Okay? Why?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Why?
We didn't want you to do this Ball's in your court Bob Who is this new guy? Who invited this guy? I don't like him As he talks, you see it's just kinda held on to the side of a big muscular tongue What is, what is he doing? I reckon, I reckon please stop while you're ahead and just take - I'm sorry for our foolish friend, you mentioned you wanted something? Yes, um we are new to this swamp and I was forced to evacuate my usual chambers We were forced to retreat as there is a growing threat of wolves further into Lightwood *whispered* Bob, come back over here Bob Wolves. There was wolves before so wolves and frogs, natural enemies Natural enemies. Famously so They've been at war for generations As in all Aesop's fables Can we just go *whispers* Bob! Bob! Get back over here! If you deal with the growing threat of the wolves so that we can be freed, we'll help you to do so I will also allow you to take each one item from my treasure hoard Where are the wolves? *sigh* Further into Lightwood Oh, OK Follow the stream Now, that is one option...
So I release the tongue... The hand just comes off of the tongue That is one option Or we could *whispers* guys, guys guys listen up we could kill the frog people - whoa Bodger - and get our shit back Bodger Bodger, we need to whisper quieter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12
Can you make a stealth check please? As you try and whisper this to your friends without them all hearing GUYS!! 6 Ooh noo Plus stealth. Any stealth modifier? My stealth modifier is 1. 7. Umm?? *whispering* Guys! Or we could just try and kill the ****ing frogs You're whispering really loudly! Instead of killing the wolves, I mean that means going all the way to kill the wolves Instead we just kill the frog people Bodger! Stop talking so loudly! They can literally hear us! There's one right there! What're you talking about? They can't hear us I'm whispering My mage hand makes this Or, we could just kill them all right now
I just put my hand over his mouth Stop saying it! Stop saying it! Guys, you're not hearing what I'm saying? We know Bodger! I totally get what you said We know what you're saying! Kill all the frog people! We understand what you're saying mate Bodger, you're saying it really loudly, they can hear you Ok, I don't think you guys, ok I'll speak up because I don't think you guys quite understand what I'm saying
Oh no! Don't speak up! what I'm trying to say without them hearing is we could KILL THE FROG PEOPLE INSTEAD Are you kidding me?? Bodger?! Yes, what he's saying is we are going to go kill them all, we're going to go kill all the wolves All the wolves No no, I'm talking about killing the frogs *Aggressive shouting at Bodger*
No! Kill the wolves! Cough He means the wolves! I do have a bit of a frog in my throat No listen, this guy here and all these, LETS KILL THEM ALL Bodger?! We're not with this guy I don't think you would be wise to do so my associate here, and he gestures to the other giant frog, is not the only one *Innocent whistling* We should go and kill the wolves. The wolves! Yes! The wolves! That is a great idea! I would appreciate if you do Oooooooh Bodger, do you want to come with us? Or... I see what's, ahh ;) No, we're not saying anything, we're not Ahh ;)
So we're gonna go and do the wolf thing and we're not gonna kill the -
Yes - we're going to kill the wolves ;) ;)
We literally are doing the wolf thing The wolf thing - Yes! - Right right Yes, we should go and kill the wolves We're gonna kill wolves, not frogs
I am playing no part in this I'm going to kill the wolves
We're definitely going to kill the wolves If your friend tries to kill any of my people while he is in this swamp, he will not live to tell the tale Rightfully so, to be honest Rightfully, I agree with you Hey, get Greg and Bob
On my count... Greg and Bob, I'm going to head down river if you'd like to fol- up river if you'd like to follow me
Yeah, I'm gonna come with you for sure As a token of my gratitude, you are - Wait wait wait wait - welcome to take that book as payment We should go, we should go
And then, on my count... No count, no count, no countdown
We kill the frogs 3...
We're not going to do anything 2...
Oh, I have to choose my thing that I want, I'm not going to help you Bodger I wanna have a search through his pile Where are you guys going? Where are you going?
*dice roll* I'm getting away... I wanna, what items can I... can I have? Yep, I want my items, I want my gold You want to see them all? I can lay them out for you, I've got quite the collection I'm pretty sure he's only letting us leave with the book No no, he said we could choose
He said one each Oh, one each? Wow He said one each if you complete the mission, he's giving you as a down payment the book Oh, the book's the down payment, ok -
Because the book's not shiny enough - - so we get something when we come back
- he doesn't care about books In that case, I'll just leave, that's fine Ok, I've got a lot Oh, so we are getting the book? We've, Baradun's got the book We've got the book but you guys are only getting your stuff back when we come back I just wanna have a quick look through that pile for my gold... Oh gold! I've got gold! Yeah, I thought you might And then *croak* and this guy seemingly knows exactly where everything is cos the tongue goes into the pile and out comes your bag of gold Yusss! HELELELELE My gold, give it 'ere, give it 'ere, give it 'ere Yeah actually, can I just see proof that you've got the things from my shop? What are his things? Your shop? Yeah... Yeah... What shop? Er, from Honeywood, little sort of little store there Was it skull of Rahul? Was that one of them? Yes, the skull of Rahul was probably something *Ribbit* He starts to communicate and there's a few chattering amongst the other bullywugs Yeah, if you guys could figure it out amongst yourselves, that would be great And then one of them goes *ribbit* Yeah, thought it might be you... Thought it was you! Yeah, you look, I recognise your face *Bullywug conversation* And then *boosh* out comes a set of silverware Yeah, that's what I was looking for Was that, was that it? And the skull of Rahul? I... I'm... let me see *croak* *ribbit* I don't have that Yeah, ok, I was just testing ya You wanted 50,000 gold didn't you? I would like it if you have it, if you find me such a skull Meh, I'll let you know Is it shiny? No... Awww :( Right! I'm attacking this frog! Here we go! Oh god! Alright so everybody -
NO! BODGER DONT! Wait... Rowan, before Bodger dies, shall we leave? So I already rolled an attack that was a "readied" attack for if you did anything volatile Okay... Greg, can you literally jump on his back? This one *boom* whips his tongue out, *doosh* grabs you. What's your AC? Uh, my AC is 13 Uh...strikes you with a huge muscly tongue, firstly you take 2 points of bludgeoning damage from the tongue hitting you Well done Bodger, well done mate! Then I need you to make a strength saving throw please How much did it hurt him? If you die, we're walking away
- 2 points of bludgeoning damage Yeah, 10 Strength save, you've got add stuff? Strength plus, so plus save, plus 5 5. 15 is just enough to not be pulled the entire way. So you take that 2 points of bludgeoning damage and you're pulled only half the way Basically slamming down into the pile of shite All like clattering things, goblets and glasses and all sorts of stuff comes cluttering down and you are considered grappled by that guy's tongue Ooooooooooooooooh! You really f***** this up! Don't look to us for help Wow! This is all on you Yes
I think you deserve this a little bit Maybe not be messing with these... Oh it's a bit late for that!! Do you want to leave your friend as payment? We could eat him? Yeah, that's fine! Yeah, I'm fine if you do want to leave him
I honestly think at this point this is a good idea Excuse me, sorry, sorry, can I - you're in the water! - bler am I in the water? Can't talk... You're on the pile of treasure that is outside the water Sorry, sorry, there's been a huge misunderstanding There has been a HUGE misunderstanding Yes, you don't seem to understand that we could eat you My apologies, my apologies We have got our wires crossed, d'you know what I'm saying? Er, what I meant by that, everything I was saying about that in my culture what that means, that's a sign of respect Oh, I apologise for disrespecting you
I have been trying to be - - I'm showing respect here, I did not realise... uz zu ah oh! And this one lets his tongue loose and brings it back in
I apologise, I apologise... I apologise profusely You sheepishly slide down the treasure into the water and wade across Before Rowan, before Bodger dies, shall we leave? I vote we leave
Potentially! Potentially! Bodger! What are your thoughts on that? I think we should leave, I apologise on behalf of the other people here This is definitely Bodger's idea, let's leave I think we should leave... Just to clarify, I don't get my gold yet?? No, no...
No, this is shiny and I like the sound it makes and he shakes it *clink clink* this is fun. Really tempted to try and pickpocket that with my mage hand ...but I'll leave it, I'll leave it That's probably a good idea Let's go! So, you make your way out and - with respect - as you're leaving further upstream you hear him shout: Also beware the voracious quake! Errr good luck! Ok, I turn around and I just wanna real quick...sorry what is that? Sorry, what? I come back and I - yeah come again? Sorry, that sounded important, what was that? The veracious q...whoa whoa whoa! Hey, let's not, let's not leave that vague...
He's hopping back inside Let's get some clarification
And he's hopping back inside Beware of the ferocious what? I'm sure it's fine, let's go! Quake? Was it quake? What's a quake? Beware the voracious quake
Like an earthquake or? I'm sure it's fine and as you run back towards the village the other bullywugs push in - Aaargghhh!
Okay, okay, okay... Okay, I'll just pretend you didn't say anything Okay! Right, well that was productive. That went well. /s As you're leaving, the doors open again and he goes: Also, if you see Vanessa, can you tell her I said hello please? Vanessa? Alright mate. Vanessa Vanessa Vanessa We'll see how pretty she is With your successful encounter there, it's enough to, enough experience to level you up to level 2!! Woo! Wooooo! Woo!! We had no questions Woop. Woop. No questions at all? It all went smoothly?
We levelled up and - You all knew what to do
- we definitely didn't have 20 minutes pass... We levelled up off camera, potentially... We levelled up and we know everything about the game. (lies) Rob said you levelled up and we went gotcha, done. Done. We know this game. It was smooth and quick I did all my prep for this, I know what to do Yeah, totally Alright, so what do you do? You're in a swamp You're pretty badly tired Guys do we really think, yeah shall we maybe rest? These wolves are gonna be... Soldier on! I think we should rest, can we have a little resty rest? Ok, that's 1, 1. This is the danger of a 4, what's your vote? I want my rage back We have a rest. Resty rest. I want my rage back We have to find a nice spot to rest in
Bullshit. I mean if you decide to rest in dangerous woods then there's a good chance that something will attack you! Hang on, we're still here? These are still kind of- No, you're a little bit further upstream-
I was gonna say we could- -cos these guys pushed you away
-rest here with them kinda still being our friend Do we wander round for a little bit and just find a nice spot that looks safe? Yeah, I could go for a nice little rest in a nice sunny little glade I think Oooh, a nice grassy soft glade, that would be amazing! Yeah, sitting under like a willow tree, babbling brook, dappled sun coming through the leaves, ooh, that would be amazing! Maybe the occasional twittering bird. Ooh yeah, flick through my spell book, ooh that would be lovely! It'd be bloody delightful Mmmmm So it's sort of midday-ish, maybe early afternoon by the time it took you to get all the way up into the Lightwood. Look, shall we take a break and eat some apples? I've got an entire box Yep, let's do it No, you've got an entire box of potatoes Oh, right. Potatoes. Raw potatoes? That is a lot worse, that's a lot worse When did you get potatoes from? Have you just been carrying this crate -
He stole them in the beginning. - around the entire time? Yeah Every time we've been in -
Well I didn't put it down, did I? you put it down, stab the bullywug, pick up the crate of potatoes... Ok, GOODNIGHT! Alright, are we having a short rest or a long rest? How do I, is short rest enough to get my rage back? Nope Long rest! Yeah, the wolves ain't going anywhere, let's have a long rest I'm having a long rest. So you're going to need through to the next morning effectively Yep And it's early afternoon So are you going back to Honeywood? I got 11 rest ...to rest at home? Are you gonna go back to Honeywood to rest at home? Or are gonna spend the rest of today -
That's not a bad idea, how far - - and all through the night.
-away are we from Honeywood? Greg, can I please use your spare room? Uh, yeah, sure. Are we, how far are we away? You could set off now and make it back to Honeywood by night fall Err
Let's just rest here, c'mon, let's just rest! Why would we go all the way back to Honeywood? There's no roof here! When we could stay here?
For beds! Let's just stay here!
For a roof! For food! No! What do we have in a swamp apart from mud? You're a little bit lazy You're a little ***** Wow!! You're a little b**** Wow, the truth finally comes out
You're a little b**** You're not invited back!
You're a little b**** We should go to your tavern Yes! We should go, you stay here and I will see you in the morning! Ah. Fine. Go. So the two of you set off but within
BYE! GOODBYE! Back to Honeywood GOODBYE and GOODNIGHT! See ya! Within 5 minutes a frog is eating Bodger's head Ah f--- And so the two of you decide to head back to Honeywood as well because I'm not doing two different parties
Urgghhhhhh Arghhh So you head back to Honeywood, you make it back, you have a long rest Bodger, you go back home
I'm drinking... You head back to the tavern Have you guys got any tavern of Honeywood in the lore yet or shall we make one up? Er, let's make one up Let's make one up There's a tavern in Honeywood. There's a small shitty tavern Yep, that's operated by Greg Tavern of Honeywood, named - He kinda like opens up, and gets behind the bar It's where I go at night time sometimes. Alright, what are we having? Welcome to Honeywood tavern! Who wants a drink? We got some good brew going up in here We'll get the Honeywood maidens cranking, now just gotta warn you - they are batshit crazy Greg roleplaying his own tavern, and I just walk in, is this tavern? Yes sir! Uhhhh. Hey! Strange person! We'll say you're at a tavern Me? Are you talking to me? Yeah! You! Don't call me strange person, I got a name Well I don't know what it is because you haven't introduced yourself, you've just come- Well I'm sorry, I was too busy being killed by frogs Yeah, and then you never actually introduced yourself I know who this is And, and, it took you a very long time to say thank you You never said thank you to me Wha- what did you do again? Distracted things from you, and they came and killed me instead of killing you Yeah, I dunno, I don't think you were doing that out of the kindness of your heart Anyway Greg, can I have another beer? Of course you can Thank you. Alright, alright, alright, hello my name is Bob Bob? Done. What's that? What does that stand for? And now I'm talking like Jason Statham Yeah, I went American for a second before My full name is Bartholomew Osiris Bladesong but people call me Bob cos that is quite a mouthful Yeah, I'm gonna stick with Bob Yeah, Bob sounds good, yes You're alright, you're alright Bob
What do you wanna know? What's your backstory Bob? What's your name mate?? I don't know why I'm talking like this now it's hard to distinguish between Scott- Scottish. Let me give you a hand - Scottish, there y'are Thank you. My name is Bodger Bodger, alright. Nice to meet ya What's your backstory Bob? Tell us... It's a long story, I grew up in um, er, the island, Dala, Dalerine? Delerine? Delerine. Yeah, that's the one Yeah yeah yeah, the elvish isles I grew up on the islands of Delerine with my family Another one?
Yeah yeah yeah My Dad was a swordsmaker...
These are very small mugs, I should get you bigger mugs To bigger mugs! My Dad was a swordsmaker, long story short, I got in a lot of trouble instead of carrying on the family tradition of becoming a swordsmaker, I went off into the lands Spent many years in Eastwatch
*Disrespectful background chatter* NO! FINE! Screw you then!! Give me more ale, I'm getting smashed! Give me a whisky! Sorry! Were you still going? I am so sorry!
Nah! Nah! F*** it. Sorry Bob, didn't realise you were still talking Anyway, *muttering*
Alright, alright, I've had a few ales, I'm feeling a bit rusty I punch Greg. I punch Greg. Alright so - 18! Ooh, f- So this is how PvP works in my games, because it can ruin a thing if somebody suddenly gets killed and they didn't want it I first say you try to punch Greg and then I turn to Greg and I say are you OK with him trying to do this? No?! Then, no matter what you roll, you turn to-
Mate, I'm not gonna stab ya, I'm just trying to punch ya try and punch him and because you've had too many, you swing and miss and just *smack* crack your hand on the bar Bla bla bla blacksmithing... Yeah, it's good to hang out with you -
Hey! - from time to time man, I feel like we see each other -
I was telling a story and you didn't listen to me - on opposite sides of the lake but we never chat You're always over there, I'm always over here -
I'm gonna punch you in the face! I really actually love you man! I really love you... Owww!!! Shit! That's, that's the dangers of alcoholism Girls and boys You seem awfully quiet tonight Baradun What are you up to? You've been awfully awfully quiet What's happened to you Baradun? You should have portaled away by now One might say I'm depressed What's happened Baradun, tell us all What's going on mate? Tell us your backstory Well you should know all about me thank you very much! So, how's the garlic doing *mumble mumble* These two are pricks aren't they? I know Right! I punch Greg! 20! I don't let him do it! Sorry, were you still going? You're not OK with him PvP I'm not OK with this So, you try again, this time -
Natural 20! I punch him in the face! I WILL BE HEARD!
*the sound of Bob not being heard* I'm gonna punch you in the face! I'm just glad you came back to the tavern man, I'm glad we convinced - ...clunks you on the head and falls to the ground Why can't I fight anymore?? Cos you're a drunkard! You're pissed Hey, Bob You, you're still a stranger in this town - yeah... You better be careful like, we've got no reason - Shut up Bodger! You pretend to be interested in me, I start talking and you immediately start talking with Greg You've done it again!!! I punch Greg! Oh! 3! What! I will punch you in the face
Is that right? I'm not even playing with you right now they will bite your **** off I'm not even playing
I'm kinda tempted to give it a crack You alright Greg? Yeah! Alright, f- it I punch Bodger
I feel like we've bonded over the last- Hey Bodger, are you ok with him trying? Alright, alright... So that missed anyway *punch* caught his hand I genuinely wanna know what Baradun is doing here, like why haven't you portaled away? Usually you come you over flip us the finger and you bounce I...may have said that I was trying to conserve my energy and not overwhelm you guys earlier Know, you know I never liked you? you arrogant mage... But in truth - ...piece of shite there has been - You're alright Bodger, you're alright In truth there has been someone who has taken over the temple of Carlebor and stripped me of my powers What? Stripped who of what now? Hows the garlic going and stuff? *mumble, mumble* you know what? Their blossom... Sorry! Baradun! You guys are having difficulty paying attention today aren't you Baradun Is there something in this? Who said that? Oh right! Baradun, you're the high sorcerer right? That is me Portal us out of here, solve this, fix it Unfortunately I have lost all of my powers and can't portal us away I can't portal us to the wolves, I can't use my magic, I can't do everything So you're useless as tits on a bull
I can't do everything - that I used to do before, I feel useless :'( I'll pour you another beer buddy Alright mate, alright mate, no-one wants to see that, no-one wants to see that Here you go, here's a beer I'm meant to be the best sorcerer in the land and I'm nothing! And you're still up there Bodger gets a small violin out, presumably that's what you're playing Everyone! Just keep it down so we can hear What is that?! I've got, this, this is me, I'm on a piano You're on a piano? Greg has a piano! Bodger pulls out a mini piano ♫ Music: "Peaceful heartbreak" ♪ Continue Baradun I'm actually quite good at this Alright alright, apparently yeah Go ahead Baradun Go ahead Baradun, tell us your feelings *Sob* I'm as low as you peasants! Well that's getting offensive innit? We're trying to help you here! *Crying* This is a safe place I used to live in the lofty towers Now I can't even conjure a fireball I can only do firebolt I'm gonna level up! And I'm gonna beat his ass and turn him into a frog I don't know, I don't know exactly what you're talking about but you're gonna do it Y'know? You can do it! I'm so happy right now that you guys are here with me Tell us your feelings Yeah play it Bodger! I light my lighter I've had a little bit too much to drink BLEURGH! You get a tinderbox out and just spark it into the air Oh careful with that, this whole place is made of wood...okay It is a thatched sod house that you're in Okay I'm feeling a little bit tipsy now and I need to go to sleep I'm gonna lock the door because we're gonna have a ****ing party! You guys are the best! You're alright Baradun! You're alright! You know, let us have a good night of bonding and love
Let's do it! And manly love! Locking yourself in a thatched sod house while somebody's messing round with a tinderbox... Woo! Manly love! Manly love! Help me get this off Help me get this off Wait wait no leave it on MANLY LOOOVE! Everybody, I'm gonna sleep now. I'm going to bed too Where're the bedrooms? I need to go to bed? Where's the mens? Beds are...up the stairs
I was told there'd be ****-biting maidens Whereabouts are the ****-biting maidens? Yeah, Bodger, you know what I'm talking about Greg? Maidens?
I'm too tired, I'm too tired. I gotta go to bed Er, so, the next morning, you come to consciousness I wake up naked again... Stop, do you like strip off while you sleep? Or? Urgh! Look, I get randy when I get drunk, I'm sorry You all have a full rest so on the app you can hit long rest and it'll automatically reset everything None of you remember, who was that guy that was crying last night? That was weird That was definitely you That was between us Hey! Baradun! We won't tell anybody
It's ok for men to cry It's ok for men to cry Man, it's so hard not to go Scottish Who wants garlic and fish? Delicious garlic and fish As the old saying goes, garlic and fish is ****ing awesome Every meal, every day
Num num num num num You awake to the smell of fishy garlic Oh god, don't mention garlic and fish Who wants garlic -
Yeah, I'll eat that yeah Alright, just the two of us, alright Bleurgh! Can I have one of those potatoes? Yeah yeah, actually- Can you roll a d20 for me I just wanna see how good you are at cooking this garlic and fish Not too bad - 14 - not too bad yes, it's, for garlic and fish it's pretty tasty Alright, I'm gonna start up a fire and cook some potatoes for me and my mate Alright, so can you roll a d20, let's see how good you are at - I'll see how good I am hungover Wait wait, are you in the tavern still? Yes. And it's too late, I rolled it. I'm just gonna set it on fire Starts a fire Start a fire in the fireplace Yes, of course in the hearth Oh. Yeah yeah yeah Quickly moves the embers into the hearth
Not in the middle of the room or nothing There we go, in the fireplace. Totally knew that was there And you cook up some jacket potatoes to go with this morning disgustingness Fish and garlic,
num num num num Now guys, I've noticed that by fighting I levelled up I don't know what that means exactly I became more powerful Ok, yeah, I get that Yeah, and I can use more of my spells, I'm remembering my spells Yeah, I'm actually feeling pretty sprightly feel like I could dosh and dash and disengage and hide all over the place I feel like I could take a few more hits If we go and fight more monsters like the wolves and get our stuff back then we might be able to- I'm gonna be honest, I've lost a little bit of motivation I don't really care about the thing What were you missing? The cutlery, just some bits of shite, yeah Like his most expensive items in the shop Yeah, but y'know I... Things that would pretty much leave him destitute if he wasn't able to sell them I mean, to be honest, I've got my book back so I could just bail What is keeping us here? Rob??? What was the spell that you took at level 2? Shield Shield So during the night, while you were kinda pissed, you had a little flick through this spellbook and you noticed that a lot of the runes like you thought damn, I didn't realise I was this drunk because the words on the page are just moving And then you kinda focus and realise that nope, the words on the page are actually moving Um, that you, because you are not a wizard you cannot read the wizard spells But you have a little flick through and you start to recognise some of the runes for certain schools of magic: abjuration, conjuration, evocation, that sort of thing Eventually you turn the page and see one where the words are static The only one and you sorta focus on it and realise that it's an abjuration spell from the school of protection You focus on it and you spend the night sort of looking at it, studying it, and you, certain parts of it seem familiar to you and you realise, oh this is the shield spell Shield! I remember it! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Nice, good for you. You just announced, what do you remember? We don't even know what you- Oh sorry! Guys, I thought I was speaking out loud to you guys, sorry! Last night, I was looking through this spell book and not remembering hardly anything but I'm remembering a spell slowly Okay
We don't care, we don't really care Maybe if that happens again, just keep it to yourself? Well I was kinda thinking about getting back to my blacksmithing guys it's been a pleasure Yeah no, I've just been thinking I... Hang on hang on hang on so if you're not high sorcerer anymore, who's the high sorcerer? There is someone who dethroned me, took all of my magic away from me and has got some evil plan and we need to find out what it is What is it? Oh you don't- Why? I'm not, I don't Do you think he's a threat? kinda happy here, got no real motiva-
Quite, quite possibly Honeywood's quite separate from- Yeah, that seems to be your problem We're surrounded by the wood which is y'know a natural barrier Well look, Baradun, I don't have anything better to do, I'll come with you instead of these two cowards *sigh* What did you just call me? Cowards Good luck Rob! I'm fine with it, I've got ways around this Right, well, off to my blacksmithing workshop then So, you walk out of the door of Greg's place and look across to your place and you see a familiar young man a young squire waiting to pick up his helmet that was meant to be commissioned for today Ooooooooooh! He's looking impatient and angry at the fact that you're not there Gary! Is that you? Gary! Bodger, finally, I've been waiting all morning Gary, I've been waiting for you to come, you're here for the helmet Yes the helmet that we said would be ready for today Yeah right, um, hang on a sec, let me just grab it. Errrr I have a tournament today you said the helmet would be ready Yeah, right right, yeah Err, now it's just about here, where about's that? Hey Gary! How, do you want to do a quest?
What's going on Bodger? Mate, Gary, do you want a quest? I, I have things to do, I have quests open Will you recover some expensive items
Bodger's turned into Rowan from Bored! I have quests open, lots of quests, I have more important things - Bodger, can you please? I've been waiting here all morning I can still see you Bodger... Oh right, yes, I'm looking there oh No, it doesn't seem to be there, um - doesn't seem to be there? You said you'd have it today! I could- Is it almost finished?
Oh for f***'s sake. I've lost it!! I'm sorry. A frogman took it and I So get it back! That's what you-
Likely story... What? I... Yeah, look, I, ahh Do you know where they took it? Yes Well get it back from them then. I can postpone my particular joust for tomorrow, I can talk to the people but I need the helmet by tomorrow What's gonna happen if you deny, if you turn this down? I was gonna say......if you say no...
Your reputation's on the line here I've paid a significant amount of gold What was that Greg? Sorry, I was just talking to my friend, Greg Yes, I can see, can you come across to this side of the lake so I can- Just throwing it out there, what would happen if you say no? What would happen if I said no? I...highly doubt you want to pursue that option Not only is your reputation on the line but I have connections Gary Gary Gary look, I'm sorry - and it's Gareth by the way Gareth, I'm sorry. Don't say anything bad about that, it was an accident, I will get ya your helmet Just, y'know, don't tell people. If you have me my helmet by tomorrow I will be singing your praises as I expected to do If you don't, everyone in the land shall know what a scumbag you are taking somebody's money and not delivering on the goods Right, fine fine, okay, I get it, I get it. Right, let's get the f-- frikken... helmet Do as you're paid to do Yes, I'm sorry, right, let's do it, let's go Never liked that guy Greg. As you're standing outside the shop talking to this fella, somebody, a potential customer comes past and "excuse me have you got a"- Ah! Hello Adventurer what- Oh! Eugh!
What is it? What? Oh, it's like human shit around here
You still smell like shit Greg... and he continues on past Ah, there goes business. God dammit... Alright, um - Oh don't go down that way, it smells like shit! And starts to tell other people - Hey! - who turn around and walk the other way Well, I don't know about you guys, but I want to get on with this Day has broken Yeah mate, I'm bored
Let's go! I'm bored. Let's go I've just been going through these books and it turns out I'm almost bankrupt so I guess I'm gonna go get my stuff back Alright. Let's do that. Let's go Look's like we're stuck together Yeah! Yeah! Let's go and get our stuff back Let's go get our stuff back, okay... Team Bodger! Let's not try and make this - Let's go and get our stuff back from the wolves on three! That's too long... Alright, so you - Let's not try and make this, like we're friends or anything Let's leave Honeywood, let's head off Alright Well I still want my gold...
We know it's further into Lightwood? So we've got a bit of a- So you make your way further into Lightwood and on the way who is leading the charge? Who's sort of leading the direction? I did see a wolf... Looking for the wolves... Ah!
I saw a wolf- -on my way in
You're probably the most motivated? At the moment, yeah Well, I want my gold back Oh, no, you've got your book? No, but yeah, but he wants to learn all his spells, you're probably feeling a bit stronger now I guess? Yeah, Baradun seems to have the motivation of: shit if we fight more stuff I can level up and he's remembering because he's the one who knows it's a video game, he's like yeah! Grind! Let's ****ing grind! I would say Baradun at this point is kind of, he's lived for so many years in this game as the most powerful thing in the game
Yeah, this is actually exciting... and it's kind of like I'm learning now, like I get to actually experience progression Remembering what it's like for there to actually be challenge in the world Yeah yeah That you might actually die! I can't just do anything anytime, so it's kinda like ooh? That's kinda cool So I would, there's a bit of fever and like excitement and um So, Bob, are you leading the journey cos you saw a wolf on your way here? Yeah yeah yeah, I did see a wolf on my way in Tell us about that wolf It was kinda like a wolf, you know? Hmmm, yeah... Kinda like a dog, but bigger I see I see Almost like a wolf... Ah! It is like a wolf? D'ya know what I mean? D'ya know what I mean? Yeah yeah yeah yeah I know what ya mean See? Bodger knows Bodger knows That's a lot of good information Bodger...knows.
Yeah, thank you. Kinda big, kinda grey kinda wolf-like Was it a wolf? It was. Do you guys mind if I also talk like this for the rest of this- Just cos you can
-part of the chapter Just cos you can't keep your Scottish accent going
Otherwise I'm gonna have trouble with the Scottish I'd really - It's just easier if we just both go Jason Statham No! No! Scottish! You need to talk like you D'ya mean? Please stop. D'ya mean? Please stop. Do you want to go American again? I find it kind of weird Get Bodger back out? I find it kinda weird
I'm gonna do it... that you've become such a mimic around me I'm gonna do it and we just see how we go with that, OK? Let's continue OK, perfect use of that acting degree Rowan Let's continue Bob You said you noticed a wolf on the road? That's right - Should we go and try and track it from there? I think that would make sense, we're looking for wolves yeah? Mhmm Alright, let's, I think it was on the outskirts of Honey- Cut to! You are at the location where you saw the wolf I have a wand of detecting magic that I'll use Wand of detecting magic... Are you detecting this magic, right here? God it's all...yeah... So, as you're walking through this sort of heavily forested path, woods on both sides You don't detect any magic in the immediate vicinity Kinda surprised that didn't work, thought there was gonna be magic and that was gonna be cool... and you guys would think I'm awesome... but it didn't work and now I'm embarrassed Good use of that. Lasts for ten minutes, it's a concentration spell I wanna try and find the tracks of the wolf That was probably a good thing to do first Make a survival check Yeah, you don't even know if you're in the right area. Survival check Now that we're here, shall we look for tracks? No, let me just check for magic No? Okay, we're clear Okay 19! Not bad!
This should be pretty good Plus a what? Plus what?? Plus your survival So with that survival check you definitely do find wolf tracks they are dry, it hasn't rained so it's still there Ooh! Guys guys guys guys, look! Found the wolf tracks right here, hidden in the middle of the path Yes, they're pretty obvious there Bob Good job They lead off into the woods, so... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Okay. Okay. 'Right. Detect magic? Nope. Do we need to keep investigating to follow the tracks? No, no, with a 21 it's enough to last you a little while I got 21 mate! Yeah, so you can use it once per day So that's - Well done Greg! - that's used for the day Oh wow, these tracks are very easy to follow, detecting magic was a big old waste I didn't say it was a magic wolf did I? Just a ****ing wolf You should have been specific, I just- I'm sorry, I will specify when everything is not magic THANK YOU Yeah yeah yeah yeah As you're walking through trees and flowers and grass Just so you're clear. All of these? Real. Not magic. Those vines there, real. Not magic. Ferns, real.
Yes, yeah. No, I get it!! Ground, real. Pebble, real. Bob, real. Greg, real. Baradun? Magic. Alright. Magic. Magic. Make a perception check everybody Ooh. A what, perception? Perception check. Perception check, innit? Ooh, 5, uh oh. 16... 4... God, I'm getting good checks here /s ...plus 4, 20!
420? Who wants some pipe weed 420?! 420 BLAZE IT! Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!! 420 blaze it! Yeah yeah yeah yeah Blaaaaaaaaaze iiiiiiiit Classic. Continue... Literally none of you have done drugs Who got what? I got 5
I got 4 11
I got 20 20, alright. So, you're the one that sees it, makes sense, you're out front, you're following the tracks they get lost a couple of times, you find them again with the 21 Pretty good at tracking it seems Unfortunately, as you're looking down you don't see the *schgdgdgdgd* arrow stick into the tree right in front of you face. Oh shit... New guy! WATCH OUT! And whipping round to see where it came from, you see a rather attractive looking human male standing sort of lit from behind with the golden sun
Ooh, hello... Why not? Arrow, shortbow, longbow rather in his hand I don't remember shooting an arrow... What's up? He says: This is Rangers Guild territory, only the most daring, the most dashing, the most charismatic of adventurers may pass Yeah, we know. Why do you think we're all here? *straining* I'm a model! What are you here for? Look mate, it's a long story, there's some yak-sized frogs-
I'm so used to just following- *All talking at once*
Yeah, including my pouch of gold-- Bunch of stuff--
But before that-- Well anyway, we went into the swamp-- ...disappeared-- ...where I was. Yes, yes, that is true ...there's frog people. And I wanted to kill the frog
Yes, but then I-- I wanted to kill the frogs Yes but no but no but then we did want to kill the frogs
Old Bodger here tried to wanna kill the frogs *all the words*...tiny little crown...kill the wolves...tiny frogs and they had staffs...I used my hand to grab... Back to the tavern! Got drunk! Ahhh! No before that, before that... It was the big frog
We talked to the big guy, the big frog The big frog, King Frog And then the wolves, the wolves! There's the wolves! We have to kill the wolves! ...walk to the wolves
...gotta kill the king frog No yes, I understand And now we're here...to kill the wolves How many wolves do we need to kill? Did we even specify this? How many wolves? He said get rid of the wolves right? Because they were taking over their territory Yeah, how many we talking? There's a lot of frogs, how many wolves are we talking about here? I dunno? Twenty? I dunno Twenty wolves??!! You don't seem to even know why you're here Look mate. We know. You just don't need to know. Alright? I think I do, this is Rangers Guild territory, I just said Aye! Let us, er Sco- Scot- Scotland Let us pass There you go!
Good job Bodger I will not Oh, uh oh, what you going to do now? It's Rangers Guild territory, are any of you hard of hearing? This is Rangers Guild territory I would like to join... Alright! I sneak past him You shout this out to the group and try and s- I'M GONNA SNEAK PAST! You know I can hear you, right? Here we go... Okay? That's good, that's good thinking Make a stealth check with disadvantage Cos you told- Why? Why am I disadvantaged? Because he's looking at you 5!
Oh nooo! With disadvantage... With disadvantage You don't even need to roll again Oh god 12 So 5 + 6
So 17! I stealth past him!! I'm approaching the target I can see you. Guys, I've been made, I'm heading back But I do have 7 stealth Yeah, so it's a 12 So, 12, good Which isn't enough when he's looking at you! How did it go? Not well *sigh* Were you surprised how that played out, or Did you think that would happen differently? Well yeah! I was sneaking wasn't I? Not really No Did you not see me? I was like this Yeah, he did like the sneak move I'm just gonna stay here You're going the wrong way for the wolves anyway Which way should we be going? *sigh* Very well. You want to head back that way about a quarter mile until you get to the stream one you hit the stream, you take a right, you follow that down for about a mile eventually the canopy disappears and you can see in the distance the mountains at that point you know you're getting close, turn to the right, walk another mile inland and... Ranger! Yes? I would like to join...the Rangers Guild Er, did you hear that I said it's only for the most adventurous, the most charming, and the most charasmatic of heroes? I happen to have a little thing in my pocket here... Charisma ring! Excuse me... Shiiiing! I would like to join... ...the... Anti charisma ring! Oh wait, just... ... Okay?? Yes, I would like to j- j-join the Rangers Guild Baradun, did you hear all the... instructions?
I did, I wrote all the instructions down That's good Can you make a charisma check for me please? Right! Bodger why are you joining the Rangers Guild? This ring? It... Since it's just a regular ring you're putting on this time 18! What's your charisma modifier? Er, plus... -oh god persuasion? Er yep 2, 2 =20 Oh god, he's gonna join the Rangers Guild Very well! If you wish to do so you can head to our headquarters just north of Honeywood Right They'll sort you out there Maybe we do that later...
Good luck adventurer! Um, so- Baradun did you get all the instructions?
I wrote down all the instructions Good! He says, this is important - Take the ring off! He says, after all the rest of the instructions, he says, eventually you'll come across Tame valley with the river through it, you must stay on the left side of the river and do not under ANY circumstances take the high road, stay down next to the river Right side of the river, take the high road?
Why shouldn't we take the high road? It's not important, just don't. Stay on the left side, down
Guys, listen to me, I'm now officially a ranger I'm a ranger Officially now So, right side of the river...
And then he disappears into the woods Right side of the river, take the high road Don't take the high road Don't...
No he said take the high road, I wrote it down...
trust me I know, I am a ranger now I think the lady doth protest too much, I think we take the high road I think we take the high road, that's what I heard I think he's trying to hide something Onwards! Yeah... Let's go. I like that Let's go Let's go!! And we head off And you head off following those directions So eventually you make it across some sort of a valley
Following along... as you are walking, following the river Oooh, hello! Hello whiteboard Let's stick the right side of the river You come down towards the river
Take the high road! Take the high road! You are currently on the left side of the river There is a high road - take it! that goes up, there's a low road that goes by the river There is a left and a right side to the river Yeah, probably jump on the right side, take the high road Ok, two of us go on the right side and two of us go up the high road ♫ You take the high road...♫ Low road! Dibs low road Baradun's going low road. On the left or on the right? Er, on the left On the left Where are the rest of you going? Well...I'm going up the high road, I can't not! I can't not as well! I think we need to make a vote as a team, are we going the high road or the low Yeah great! High road it is, let's go! I dunno actually, I'm... I think guys, high road. Yep Let's collectively go high road as a unit Let's find out what the stupid thing is up there
As a team!! that we're going to get destroyed by
As a team!! As a team, we're going the high road Okay... Cos I don't really trust the ranger...
We were explicitly told not to go up the high road Oh, were we? Ah. By the ranger, he was like- He said, and I quote, you must stay on the left side of the river and do not under ANY circumstances take the high road Yeah yeah yeah yeah, I heard
Stay down next to the river High road
And he said- Ah so, is it too late now to change our mind? It's not too late, I reckon we go low road Let's go the low road Yeah, let's go high road, perfect Let's go low road High road, perfect Low road Marching order, who's going where? Place yourselves There, Greg's at the back Who's at the back on the low road?
Are we going the low road? I want to be second-
I think we're going low road- F***ing Bob is climbing this hill! Okay We're going low road. Oh, for f***'s sake! It's, I mean, if you wanna go there... Well can I at least go have a look? So do you let him go and have a look? Yep, go on Can he have a sneaky look and then come back?
I'll just go and have a sneaky look You can see where...and you don't know why you've been told to not so... Yeah, exactly! Maybe you can, maybe you can't?
There could be lots of gold up there Exactly! Lots of gold...
There could be lots of gold up there We know that we can bring you back to life so go have a sneaky look Alright, I stealthily, sneakily, creepily sneak up to the way
Stealth check please! Hopefully it pays off this time 10. Plus 7 = 17 Alright, wish me luck You got this! I just want you to know this is a bad idea! Sneaky sneaky catch a monkey So you get 20 ft up Sneaky sneak! 25 ft up What can you see? NOTHING! Sake Yeah, keep going...
Sneaky sneaky You get 30 ft up There's now solid rock on this side and a 30 ft drop on that side Great, yeah Keep going... 35 ft up... Yeah, great You get 40 ft up Tell us what you see! Hang on, I'm coming up to a corner Just wanna peek around the corner Peek round the corner. Can you make a perception check please? What's up there? 6. 6. What's up there Bob? Plus 4 = 10 10. Alright BOB WHAT'S UP THERE?! Nothing! I'M GONNA KEEP GOING! Okay, what you notice is about 5 ft wide sort of channel through this mountain face there's rock on this side, there's rock on that side and then it goes on for about 30 ft and then it dips around the corner I reckon you should go... Alright, all safe, let's go! What's around the corner? For god's sake. NOTHING! I'LL YELL OUT IF I SEE SOMETHING, ALRIGHT?! OKAY! Good luck Bob! We'll be here Do you want to do this? I really do Look. Yes. Bob! What's the hold up mate? I'm just tempted by a forbidden path Why? Why? Why? Like why? What're you trying to find? Intrigue, curiousity mate OK, athletics. Run down the path really quickly then run back Run down the path until you find something and then come back OK, I dash down the path to check again and then I dash back Alright! So!
Oh no, oh no, what have you done?
I can't wait! Just seen the look on Rob's face, just like, okay... This is happening! You dash down the path You get to the corner where it sort of dips around. You continue on? Yeah, errrr, what's round that corner? You've run about 30 ft, the path opens up, it continues down some about 5 ft wide thing, channel both sides Is it a labyrinth? Wait wait, before you commit, it could be becoming like a- Is it just one path? It's not breaking off? At this point it's one path that continues down to the right
Alright, keep going I just keep going up to a corner Alright, so- I'm going to the next corner so I can look round that corner So you're now 60 ft from this corner Yeah, that's great 60 ft down the path Do you guys want to go back to the tavern? I mean we could, we could leave him doing that We should probably wait for him
I don't really know I don't know if we should I don't know him that well I don't know what his vibe is BOB! I don't know if he can hear us? I don't know what his backstory is? He never told us what his backstory was You run down the next path, your footsteps echoing through the large stone chasm That's an unusual detail... Something's going wrong... You get to the next bend and you look around the corner Yeah yeah yeah... a continuation of the path, another maybe 50 ft Urghhhh CAN YOU GUYS STILL HEAR ME? *Absolute silence* No Alright Bob. You're all alone. Down a forbidden path. But you're fine. You're fine. You're not scared. You're not scared. You're fine. Keep going. Try, maybe try and come back y'know?
*whispered* I reckon you come back now What did Bob, what does Bob- WHAT D'YOU RECKON GUYS? You hear it, guys guys guys... *Voice from far away* What's that Bob? What's that Bob? Oh f***, it's alright, I'll come back It's up to you, what does Bob do, what would Bob do in this situation? Oooooooh... Keep going, you're not scared You're not scared B- Oh f*** it, you're scared. Alright, I'm scared I'm alone, I'm scared! GUYS! *distant cries of "Bob!"* Remember, our quest is going to get you all your gold back Yeah, hmm... Urgh, god, aah! I really wanna go but I won't. I'm coming back, I'm coming back. Alright, as you turn around Yup??? Right behind you is the path you came from so you continue along it *Suspicious laughter* No, f*** it, I'm heading back *crying* *louder crying* I think he's dead Well, we should just move on... without him, with our lives He's dead. He's dead. He's obviously dead, there was obviously some evil creature up there and he's dead. He's dead. Well, there it is. Yep. And you make it to the corner, and you guys can see 50 ft up OK great He's there. Right guys, I've come back, there's nothing down there no point, no point going down there, we'll just go down the er other road, there's no point Nothing scary What's different about him? Alright, continue You don't seem to see anything different about him OK, let's go Wait wait wait wait wait
Wait wait wait wait wait wait I check my person. I check myself just to check that everything's alright and I'm not missing anything and everything's fine Make an investigation check 5! F***! You're pretty sure you've got everything, you've got your sword and you've got your dagger Er, you've got your satchel bag so surely you've got everything Can I see anything magical about him from down here? From down there? From 50 ft up and at least 70 ft away? Nah. Can I use my, do I need to get close to use my wand of detecting magic on him? Yeah, that would be, need to be within range, I think it's maybe 30 ft or something Ok, well, I climb up halfway up the um, to there yep Alright, so Bodger climbs up the high path as well - Greg - Greg sorry And now I'm gonna use my wand of detecting magic, something's not quite right here Alright Bob, OK? I'm just gonna do some really quick magic detecting, is that alright? Why? What are you expecting to find?
Just really quick magic detect... Okay... So I did tell you it was once per day, but I made a mistake, it has three charges per day and you spend one charge to cast it and then every morning it regains 1d3 charges Alright, so you cast detect magic, and you point it at him Er, yeah no, he's fine, he's fine You're fine.
Yeah, like I said. I just walked up a path Right. On with the game. Onnn- On with the game I guess? Shall we continue along the down path? Right, nothing ventured, nothing lost, we're all fine So, we're returning to our-
You come back down? Yeah Okay, so you go back down Right. What have you got planned for us?
He explodes! What have you got planned mister? Throw an insight check on the DM! So, you're now heading along the lower path, in this marching order Mhmm Alright so-- very specific! Suspicious... So you walk forwards, stop there Who's this? That's you? That's me Er, alright What? What? What? What? WHAT? *girly scream* Oooh nooo :( Everything's fine. As you're walking along the side of this river, through the thick weeds and thickets, you start to step through thicker brambles and bushes and you take 5 points of slashing damage How?! to your ankles and whatnot as you're pushing through Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh god! Ow! Ow! What? What? OW! I just got attacked by something What what what what what?
What was it? I don't know, I dunno! Oh, f-- piece of...
Barely got 5 damage to give We've got food, we can- Oh no, 13! Good lord. Goodness gracious! So I take 5 points of damage? Outrageous Just from some little thorns Okay, ridiculous, alright So that was a bad idea, so it's actually safer up the bloody path then innit? Maybe? You know what? Ah, ok... Do we, can we keep going without getting hurt? Like, er, *rolls* Alright, someone else take the lead! What are you rolling for? I'm rolling to- Can we slice through the, um I like the strategy of roll first and then depending on what the number is you go "I was just rolling to scratch my nose" Which is exactly why any roll that is uncalled for by the DM is automatically a failure Regardless of what you're doing It counts as a natural 1
What I wanna do is- -I just wanna go and perception like how percep- how much can we traverse this rest of the stream? So make a perception check with disadvantage cos you're third in the line With disadvantage 13 Oh, so
That's pretty good Do a higher one! 19 19, so 13 13, plus modifier, plus perception 0, so 13 13? I mean it looks pretty much like the grass you've been traversing But he's just hurt, quite badly hurt himself - Yep - is that? Maybe he needs to-
It doesn't seem like it should have hurt him as badly as it did Can I... Suspicious... I don't like them So, one question I just wanna, just to kinda clarify what the situation's happening here Ben's gone up here, up this path Very bravely, yep And come back down and-
Bravely?? there's a lot of suspiciousness happening here A lot of suspiciousness here... *Innocent voice* I'm just telling the story! And then Ben's come back, and this path that I can see-
It's supposed to be safe.. -pretty clear looking path but for some reason
-and the ranger told us it was safe for some reason Ben specifically, Bob I should say, got kinda like grappled with thorns that didn't appear to be there
Which we can't see Correct. Okay, fine, well I'm taking the charge as Bodger Alright, Bodger, as you push past Bob, firstly you take 6 points of slashing damage Shhhhhhhhhhh So he's not cursed Then as you step another 5 ft past him you take another 4. Ahh! Oww! Argh! You should stop What is it? Is it like sharp grass?
Don't keep going! Ohh! Ahh!
You're getting injured! What are you doing?
Arghhhhh! What is this??! What is? Okay, hang on, hang on Ah! Ahh! Grrr! Arghh!
Stop walking! Ooooooh! So that's 10 damage 10 points of slashing damage OK, everybody pump the brakes! Jump in...OH! So, you move another 5 ft forwards No no sorry that was me moving what you, goodness gracious! No, 5 ft was when you passed him, and then you went in front of him which was the second 5 ft Ok, now I'm doing something else, OK, I wanna- I wanna cut, I think we should slash our way though Ten damage? But there's nothing to slash through, we can't see anything Oooo, ooo, ah, that one hurt,
You're really hurt Bodger that one really hurt. ARGHHHHHHHHH!
Are you alright? Stop Bodger! Stop! Ooohh... Bodger, stop walking now! Okay, okay, okay, I tell you what. I think we should stop - Yep! Yeah! Not a bad idea! And come up with a different plan Yeah! Arghhhhhhh! Oh my god! Bodger stop!
What are you doing??!! Everybody, stop! Right now! Stop moving! Okay, okay, good Um, okay okay-
He couldn't see anything I wanna do, can I please do a insight check on the river? I see that the, sorry I want to detect what's going on in the river cos I can see it flowing past us is it- What the f***s going on?? This is the direction that the river is flowing, yes Is it particularly dangerous, how can I check? Make an, er, make either a nature or survival check your choice I'm jumping in the river! That's what, that's my consideration Nature or survival. I'm gonna do nature because plus 2 So 10 plus 2 OK, so 12 total on nature was it? Yep So you know from just the information you know in like a book learned way about rivers and the width of them and the depth and whether you can see stones through it and stuff you know if, certain things about rivers from being book learned and you know that this particular one shouldn't be too hard to swim against I'm gonna get... It will, from the, just to make sure I'm being clear, it is a fast enough current that it will drag you down that way, but it won't drag you beneath, it's not rapids that will drown you, you'll be able to keep yourself afloat and above the river
How far can I see down the river? Um, it heads maybe another 200 yards before it's obscured by trees and- Hang on, as far as we know-
Do I know anything about this with my- there's no, there was no apparent danger up here, nothing Bob didn't tell you about any apparent danger Didn't see anything, but you lot got in my head! I was ready to go down that way and you were like "ooh Bob, come back, uh Bob, come back!" Do I know any, are there stories of this place, are there, is there a history here that I? Make a history check 17 - ooh not Bad! - plus 3 = 20 Uh, there are lots of stories of Lightwood, there's lots of stories of Darkwood, there's lots of stories of the Wood in general, Greg tends to stay out of the Wood because of all of the stories He does! There's unnatural beasties, there's like fae creatures
Is there anything about roots and like grass coming up? and there's stories you've heard as a child of like bushes that'll come alive and attack you and there's other stories of like fae creatures who'll hide in bushes to cast pranks on you and there's - but nothing where? - nothing like specific to this situation Can we see any wolf tracks on either going up or down? Should we just f***ing go back up the path?!
- Make a survival check Wait wait wait wait, yes, maybe? Maybe Survival check... Back to the tavern? Yeah, who's keen for a pint? So, 6 + 2, so plus 1 sorry survival Not being the best at tracking, you're not as experienced with tracking, you kinda look around, it's mainly grass, about sort of halfway up, close to knee high sort of wild grass There's, you don't see any wolf tracks but you're not 100% what you should be looking for We need to jump in the river! I think we go to the top ...go up the path there's nothing wrong
it's the safest way! No, we've already been up the path OK, guys! Wait! Wait! Guys, I have a solution It's better than the other options... I have a solution! I am going to freeze the river using ray of frost and we can cross to the other side, alright? Phew, here we go. Using magical powers Ray of frost!! You get your cup out and splash the stuff, the contents inside it and like a tiny little ice cube sized bit and then drifts off down *Awkward silence* :( Great job Greg, great job! Dammit *Sarcastic applause* Are you sure YOU'RE not the high sorcerer? No, that would be me But with that, you know that it's a real river with real water and Thank you! the flow of it is going that direction How about this for an idea? We hack and slash our way through the grass? No! It's dangerous, we have to jump in the river!
You can lead the way I'm not going We should go to the high ground! We can't freeze it
My vote is jump in the river It you do it then...
There's no way to go through that way! We can't go up, we have to jump in the river Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Well stop moving!! What are you doing?! You idiot!
Ahh! Ahh... Stop moving! Stop moving!
Ahh! Ahh... What are you doing?! I'm going to put it to a vote. Do we want to get into the river? I want, nah, I think we need to go - up - up. Up the path I think we should try hacking and slashing through this grass Oh wow, there's so many different options here The only way to solve this is, three different options here, continue hack and slash, go through the river, or up here whoever rolls the highest, we do their choice. I like that. Right Right. So ok, this is pure luck because I don't necessarily- Are we allowed to do this? Is this a thing? Yeah? -I don't think, wait wait, what's your choice?
-Any way to make a decision There's only three choices So, River...
Bodger wants to go up the bloody path I want to go up as well, up I wanna go river only one of you should roll I wanna test this grass Ok, you should roll Ok And you want to test grass This is pure chance Hang on, is it a d20? Yep. This is pure chance because I don't And it's just highest? You're not adding anything to it? Highest is There we go Highest wins 3...
Dammit So 3 up 12 12 for river 19! For grass Okay. Alright. I wanna, I wanna - slash Look, investigate the grass, see if I can see anything More investigating the grass Make an investigation Arghhh!! 20. Nice Natural 20 plus your investigation modifier Erp, er ,erp, er, 2 22 22. So you look around the thing, as you've been pushed off to the side as Bodger comes storming past, slashing up his ankles, as if he's not even noticing until he gets about 5 ft in front of you and slows down Yeah, and he's like: "OW!" and starts to like "Ah shit"
"Ooh god, I've been cut up!" You look down and you see that there indeed thorns sprouting seemingly from each of the blades of grass It's like it's been, you definitely get the impression that this has been enchanted to be particularly dangerous grass Hmmmm... He didn't roll high enough with his perception check to beat the DC ArggGGHHHH!! So you see, yes, there are thorns and it is thick with it Any time you move within a space of this grass, you'll take damage
-Give it a crack! Try slash Alright, I wanna try slashing it Alright - See what happens - Slash it 18 18. You *slashing noises* cut and slash and hack and...
- You'd gone ahead of me, did you? No, I'm just where I am He's not moving, he's not moving Don't f***ing move! Just slashing the stuff around him I'm just trying to slash to see what happens, cos I don't wanna slash and it turns into a hydra or something and suddenly grows twelve everytime I cut one You hack and slash and it's not growing back, nothing's happening to it other than what would normally happen to grass with, when introduced to a blade Okay...
Would you like to take the lead? cos you're the only, ah Greg's got a blade as well but Ah, I've actually got a trowel so I'm not gonna... So. I will take the lead and hack and slash our way through it Alright. You hack and slash, you push past Bodger. Alright. I'm gonna need some sort of a check here because you're pushing into his space and while also trying to hack away at the space with a blade
- So hopefully I hit him *fingers crossed* - So, let's just make it a straight dexterity check
- Just climb up the wall and over to see how dexterous you can be with this blade and not hit the things that you don't want to Okay... This is bullshit, let's go. Let's turn around. Look, look, how about this? Alright, I'm gonna put these blades to good use and I'm gonna hack and slash this shitty grass Well you'd better not hit me! Don't worry mate! I'm very dextrous Aw, I think you're gonna take more damage bro 13 That's pretty good You couldn't just sidle past me and stop for a moment?
- And then dexterity... No, cos he would have got hit by the grass He needs to be slashing the grass Where do I look? Is it that plus 3? Yeah, plus that Yeah, so 16 16 total, that's enough that you don't hit him you're careful enough with it,
- Thank you Bob! you cut sections away
- That's alright mate as you squeeze past him
- Get out of the f***ing way! and you cut a section, more sections away
Yack! Hack! and you don't take damage
Slash! Slash! Hack! Slash hack! Hack slash! Hack! Slash! Slashing and hacking Hacking and slashing... 'til you get to there... *laughter* Hmm... I feel like we're being...
High, high ground! I feel like it's pretty obvious we shouldn't be going this way I will, I'll say you don't take damage, you continue to hack and slash your way forwards it slows you guys down considerably because any time that you've left in fact, I'll say each of you just takes 4 points of damage overall Why am I taking damage??! Because of the things that he's not, because it's a lot of grass to- I'm not moving up!
I, I'm, I never... Yeah, I suppose actually the people at the back I never, I was following this stupid git But these two, let's say you take an extra, what did I say? 4 points Oh god! You take an extra 4, and you take an extra half a-
- I don't have that much damage to give! But I'm not following him! I don't! Oh, if you just stay where you are you don't follow He's the stupid- But as you're pushing your way through, you get pretty far but the small parts that you do miss seem to like *crrkch* come in to try and deliberately scratch you as you're passing Yeah, right Bob!
So I took another 4 damage? Bob! Stop! Bob! Stop! Bob! Stop! Bob! Stop! Bob!
Nooo! Stop!
No! Bob!
Keep going! Stop... Ok, I'm down to 4 HP And by now you've gotten to as far as there
- No no, he's doing good! YEAH! We're doing great Thank you Baradun! If he keeps going though, it's just gonna more more more more more It doesn't end here What can you see down the path? It doesn't end there, this is, this could go on forever What can you see down the path? I dunno, what can I see down the path? You, you never finished looking up here properly mate! Who was the one calling me back? Who was the one calling me back?? Huh??? Huh?! Exactly!! Let's keep investigating this path, you're doing a great job Bob! Thank you Baradun. Fantastic At least someone's on my bloody side... You're about to die Bob! Down this path, only about 10 ft ahead- Enjoy dying... you see that it opens up and the grass pretty much dies off and it's undergrowth and bushes and leaves and such Yeah but not so much of the grass Right. Can I get to the end without dying? If I...? Let's find out! If I...? You push forwards, you manage to cut your way - I'm being extreeemely careful now
- all the way until the grass stops cos I've only got 4 health And you make it to the end where the grass stops and you very tentatively put your foot into the leafy part Yeah... And...that's it. It's fine. No damage Okay, great See? You did it Bob! Ohh ["Scottish"] It's finished! Greg, Bodger, go f*** yourselves Baradun, you're alright So can we all follow now? Ah, wait, before I say that I am technically still standing on - normal grass - on normal, well like the bad grass? ♫ I'm still standing on normal grass ♪
- Am I standing on the bad grass? Yep Umm, I wanna burn everything else but you're in the way Can you just run ahead please? Well, hang on, is this completely safe here now or is it kinda like? No, not completely, he still hurt himself as he went through He took some damage on the way past - He took away the vast majority of it
- If you- Bodger, if you climb up here I can fire bolt without anything happening Uh, ok, fine. Okay, so Uhhh...
You're still kind of in the way, that's annoying Argh, there's no room, there's no room! That's ANNOYING! ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You need to get out of the way as well You hide round the corner Bodger is so over it! and I'll just *boosh* and get the rest of it out. Okay? Bodger, what do you do? I think it's a great idea! That's a great idea Do you get out of the way or are you just gonna- I'm going in the river No no no wait! Ah, god dammit. You're going in the river. Alright You *thdunk* into the river it's cold but it's, you've not, it's not your first time dunking in a river At least we'll find out what happens in the river... Nope, it's cold and he gets, he starts to get swept down here Okay, I'm fireballing Fire bolt. You are not in the way I presume? Yes, I've moved out of the way Good. You're fire bolting Fire bolting sorry Fireball is a different thing, much more powerful FIRE BOLT! Schoom, schoom, schoom I'm shooting it straight down just to scorch - singe as much as you can Couldn't have done that before I walked through? taking half my health off Baradun maybe? No! Cos you were in the way! Yeah right. And I didn't see you making these decisions with people Yeah yeah yeah
Mate. Okay, fire bolt's a cantrip so Don't push me Bodger - Another sort of, it'll take a while-
- or I will slice your throat mate because you're trying your best to not hit your friend at the end and you're trying to burn away every little bit of it takes another 10 minutes at least Meanwhile, you've just continued on down the river So-
See ya Bodger! Now I walk, I join up with them You walk over, you avoid all damage Ok, I follow, I follow You follow, seeing that Baradun's safe Ha ha!
That worked really well! I mean, we just quite happily walk now I think I think we do And you continue on Anyone got any healing potions? - Bodger, the river just bobs and bobs and
- No...Maybe... you continue bobbing down the river I'm gonna get out now You swim to the shore and you climb out and you just wait there for your friends or you're continuing? Yeah, I, I'm gonna wait Wait for my friends So we continue on down You continue on down My colleagues, my companions, Yeah, let's not say friends yeah? My acquaintances My acquaintances I'm gonna cure wounds on Bob Alright - thanks mate - with your bucket of water? - With your magic bucket?
- With my bucket of water *SPLASH* Ahh! God! Oh, I feel better! Brrrrr! Feel so refreshed Water drips down and heals up a lot of those, stitches those wounds that were opened by slashing thorns Does it heal everything for him? It's heals a d8 plus 3 Very curious to know what would have happened 7. 10 hit points We can come back another day when we're higher level 10 hit points, so it'll take you back up to max One day randomly, we can be just like can we go back to that gorge and have a look what was in it? And I can't use this until tomorrow? That's the - it's a spell - first spell you've used today is it? Yes So you've got two spots, two slots, you can use that again if you wish Oh great, ok You've got another one spell slot left So I can use that one great great great So we venture forth through the meadow? So you venture forth through the, eventually getting through this spiky death trap of thorny grass Thanks Bob, you did a good job No worries Baradun, thank you Bodger? Go screw yourself. Following this river- And Greg...? Greg, you're alright What did I do wrong? Why are you- No, stop talking, you are nowhere near each other SCREW YOU BODGER! Following this river, eventually another several hundred metres down the river you come across a very wet Bodger who's at the side of the way Hello companions! Hey mate Much better doing it this way, wasn't it? Wow. I suggested jumping in the river much earlier - In hindsight, that would have been better-
- That's true, that's true he did And stop acting like you KNEW what was gonna happen we could have walked up there and been, we could have been eaten- You just got bored!! You just got bored We could have been killed by a minotaur I could see, CLEARLY it was a dangerous way to go because I've got a brain and so I was like, there's two other options: go up the cliff or go in the river I chose an option, you guys kept going the other way I'M PISSED OFF! And wet You've also got a great axe, you could have cleared the wey [way] Oh! I've gone Scottish! You're Scottish now! You guys get the impression Bob's putting on his accent? Yeah, who is this guy? He's trying to hide something No I'm not. This is what I'm, I am who I say I am. Shut up. This is why I don't meddle in the affairs of common folk I would like to have a short rest to regain some health Urgh. We kinda just had a rest Yeah I'm not tired - Do I get any spell slots back from a short rest?
- Not a long one, a short one How long's a short one? I haven't brought any books to read or anything I get really bored Really Greg? Really?? Is this a safe place to have a rest? That's up to you I don't need to rest, I... Well, I took a whole lot of damage so I'd like to I didn't bring any reading material That's your fault ain't it? I'm not saying a long rest, I'm just saying I would like to have a short rest to regain a little bit of health
- I don't need it, I'm fine I'm fine Because, this pathway that was shite and obviously not the way to go I still went down it and lost 10 health. We could have gone up there Would he recover any HP with a short rest? With a short rest you can-
- Exactly! Give me a short... Okay, I'm going to leaf through my spell book
- Let's have a short little- you have a rest Right! So, short rest...
I'm having a drink! A short rest in the rules as written is an hour, I in my games make it half an hour cos I like to move things along so you take at least half an hour to sit down and have a rest what are the rest of you who aren't needing to rest doing? - I'm just looking through my book
- I stare daggers You're looking through your book, you're just staring at him for half an hour
-at Bodger Right everyone, shut up, I'm having a nap How much health? What are you doing? -I am, um, gonna maybe repair equipment or something?
-I'm pissed off! Is there anything that I need to? You spent time tinkering with your mending and
-Yeah, just tinkering around My crossbow has a pistol in it Huh. You can shoot people with crossbow bolts and bullets Awesome! Ok They spend their time just investigating the glade Sure, alright, so, you roll a d12 d12... 2 plus your constitution modifier er, 2 2, so you recover 4 hit points Oh :/ Was this worth it? You only lost 4 hit points didn't you? Nah, I lost like 10 - So if you wanted to have another rest
- Yeah, you need to heal up way more Nah, it's fine, 21's enough, let's go
- you could do another Alright I can tell these guys will get very passive aggressive with me So in that time, make an investigation check Oh no! We won't get passive aggressive, no! /s Er, I think to me that looks like you're being passive aggressive already so I'll What am I checking? Investigation Investigation Erp, plus 2, so 13 Alright, so you're investigating the glade What're you doing? Hm What're you doing? Hm? What? Wasting time. Typical. Well I for one am gonna be productive I'm gonna investigate the area Hm Investigatin' Investigatin' You look around, what exactly are you looking for? I dunno Just looking In that case, Well I've got to do something with my time haven't I? In that case, Yeah, it's a really picturesque place, yeah You find a particularly interesting rock that's like almost it's like really smooth, yeah? yeah Found something! I found a rock Guys, I found a rock Yes. Good work Bob You found a rock It's a particularly smooth rock *Whispers* Who is that guy? Good work there Bob - Shall we continue on?
- What does it mean? How far can you skim it? Good work Bob! Be a good skimming stone It's too big to skim with No, it'd be a pretty good skimming stone Oh, it's a pretty good skimming stone? Alright, I give this shit the skim of its life Rolling for what? Athletics check That's a 10. Plus your athletics 11 11 How many? I'd say with that you get a d4 worth of skims out of it - Because like a good skim's like
-You're gonna roll or am I? a good like *pft pft pft pft pft...*
- Yeah, you go 2 *thunk, thunk* *Doosh, doosh* then on the third one, *bloop* Wow, that was disappointing Two skims? Two skims? Wow Yeah That's actually offensive to the skimming community Oh, I'd like to see you do better mate! Oh I could definitely do better than that! ALRIGHT! That's it. Everybody split up, find your own rocks Right, find a rock Alright! I look for more pebbles, I look for more- Can someone find me a decent skimming rock that is- The people who are looking, make investigation checks Right.
We're all looking Right, I'm looking for another one [Bodger] 8! I got an 8 I got 18 I got a 1! Oh for f- 18... natural 1! You spent half an hour investigating this glade and found a rock I found a log I got 18 plus -
- [Greg] I got 14 14, alright-
- plus 2 so 20 20 total, alright, you find a d20's worth of stones *dice roll* You find 18 stones Yesss! That are worth skimming in the same glade that you just spent half an hour I don't understand what's happening I found a log Hmm I got a lot of stones, I got 18 stones Where were they? Ok! - Ok, everyone take some
- I'll take that one All of you get 4, I get 4, and 2 more. So I get 6, you guys get 4. Right, I wanna show this imbecile how to skim stones Are we all, are we taking 18 turns of like I've got a knife that's very sharp with your name on it So no, everybody make an athletics check with advantage [Greg] 17 Er, athletics [Bob] 17 [Greg] 1, so 17 [Bob] 18 plus 1, so 19 12, 19, 15, 16 Alright, best, 2nd, 3rd, 4th So, you actually get a d10, a d8, a d6, a d4 That's what you get if you want to roll those a d8... d10, this is how many skims you get out of it d8, d6-
4!! 4! 4?! Ok d4, oh he gets 4 skims out of his Your d6, your monopoly die 6! Okay *kiss* 6!
Not bad, pretty good So when you were complaining about not getting to use it Right, right, mhmm 7 *hr hr hrm* Greg's time to shine! Woo! 7 skims... That's the best skim so far Pride of the skimming community Go on then Let me show you how it's done. I look forward to it Good use of time *kiss* Stole my thing but that's alright No, that's my thing - Well it's not really it's my thing
- This is the pride of the skimming community here - It's my thing now, d'ya know what I mean?
- Definitely my thing Here we go Good use of time *hurgh* 5 skims Aww Bodger, I skimmed more than you What did you get? I got 6 7 Oh, did I win? Ohh! Bodger! Aa!!!! Aa!!!! You won Greg!
That was all on you I WON! I WON!!!! I beat Bodger, didn't I Bodger? WOOOOOOAH!!! Didn't I? I'm not gonna mention how I did What happened? That was offensive to the skimming community that... REMATCH! REMATCH! So all in all, you've spent maybe an hour and a half in this glade Great! - skimming stones
- Yep, let's go Shall we go back to the tavern? Who's game for a pint? I'm actually getting real sick of this - Bob guy that we don't know
- As far as you know, you're still following the directions of the ranger to find the wolves So you're on your way to the wolves as far as you know Let's do it! Alright, we've had enough dilly-dallying, let's move! Continue Rob Continue on, about an hour's walk away, you reach the edge of the forest and you can see Honeywood in front of you Oh what? Wait wait Have we doubled back? What? What's happened? Yeah, we've gone full circle Have we walked around the entire planet? *laughter* It's Honeywood But how- What? That's Honeywood? That can't be Honeywood, that must be Darkwood, or Lightwood? Wait, wait! Er, the planet's actually flat Wait! Investigation. Is this Honeywood or is it Darkwood? - Ooo, make an investigation
- No no, we've been trying to get in to Lightwood so it can't be Darkwood unless we've gone full circle unless we've done an arc and gone to Darkwood? I wanna - investigation check 18 + 2 = 20 This town is not shrouded in darkness with bats and spiders and creepy crawlies around it you're pretty sure that this is not Darkwood Is it Lightwood? He just, didn't he say it was Honeywood? I mean, it looks like Honeywood He said it looks like Honeywood I dunno if there is a Light- is there a Lightwood? Yeah, that's where we're going! Anyway! Are we? You're going into The Lightwood which is the name of the forest
- Yeah, that was the forest That's the forest This is why it gets confusing, there is a forest called Darkwood and within that there is a town called Darkwood Yeah Whereas there is a forest called Lightwood and I don't think there's a town called Lightwood? - There's no, there's currently no Lightwood on the map
-So are we just, are we just up on a cliff are we can just see Honeywood a while away? You're basically up on a hill at the edge of the Lightwood forest looking down- Right, I'm walking into the town Can I see? I'm walking in to the town. -How do we know?
- I'm going What? Oh Bodger sets off ahead, walks back to Honeywood Yep, we're following, this is the best thing to do by the time you arrive at the town it's basically twilight and you've spent the day Is it Honeywood? Yep, it seems to be It seems to be Honeywood Well, tavern? Tavern. Let's get drunk Beer? Beer? Beer! Beer! Right! Tavern? Tavern? Tavern? So you make your way back to Greg's tavern Tavern! Tavern! Tavern! Wooo! *Drunken shouting* Waaaayoh!!! Very nice, aye, that's good You guys are the beeest! I try to punch Greg 18! I don't allow it Hngggrrrah! God dammit I try and hit Bob One of these days Greg I try and hit Bob - I'm gonna punch you right in the face
- Do you allow him to try and hit you? Yeah, fine, bring it Greg!
He allows him to try Yeah, I've got-
13 plus something will hit So you do with unarmed strikes you do 1 plus your strength modifier Which for you is negative 1, so he hits you but does no damage Hey Bob! What? Can I punch you? Yeah, sure, go for it Hrrrrrgh! Ugh No effect Ah. Oh well. Right. No effect! I punch him back I don't allow it! God dammit Hey Greg? Ah! Can I punch you? No! Awww Please? No Aww, I wanna punch you, can I please? No! Awwww You know what? I'm gonna do it anyway Hrrrrrghaah! DAMMIT! Ha ha I really like the rules of this world This world's bullshit Fill 'er up Greg This is how I felt in real life as well, I'm just like I'm getting mugged I'm like don't allow it! - It doesn't work very well
- Fill her up Greg Greg, do you happen to have a map of the surrounding area in your shop? Yeah, I think I do Let's pump the brakes. What the hell happened today? How did we leave Honeywood, walk in a straight line and end back at Honeywood? I'm SO confused We need a map Greg Obviously, who was leading? Why did we let ourselves get drunk before we decided to start talking about this? Do you have a map in your- Yeah I think I do I punch Greg! I don't allow it! Okay I... I'll check my pack Check your pack I think I've got a map of We're in your shop, or next door to your shop, the tavern's next door to the shop Ah yeah Yeah, you would probably have a map right? - I think I have a map of this area
- Let me just check Yeah alright, you have a map It's crudely drawn as most maps of this time are, it's things are largely uncharted like the most dangerous areas 'here there be dragons' kind of thing you've got Honeywood, you've got the areas immediately surrounding Honeywood the river that leads up from the Lightwood down through Honeywood The cliffs, is the cliffs area and the river on it? As soon as it becomes Lightwood it's just like 'Lightwood' and there's no specific detail on the map
- No river on the map? Can we retrace our steps? - Should we do it at night time now?
- It's not a topographical map I know what- I mean in here! Not out there! I don't mean let's go walk over it all again I've got an idea What's that?
What is it? I want to talk to the fisherman Baelin... He'll know, he'll know he'll know Well let's find him. He could be anywhere on his route BAELIN! Or he happens to just be outside Hey Baelin! *complete silence* Huh or he'll just be outside Baelin! You here?! Are you around? *dice roll* There's no answer - Right, that's deadened my idea
- He must be on his route Alright, great job. Can we retrace our steps now? And talk about where we went and how we got there? So, we left Honeywood And we walked...
We followed the bullywogs whatever the hell their names were Duh - right - yeah, duh Oh my god I punch Bodger! That was not today BTW That was a- Bullywugs was yesterday We're doing the wolf thing now Yeah yeah yeah but... This morning you set off to try and find the wolves but we went through the bullywugs to get there right? Continue... No no no we absolutely didn't No you went back up the path out of Honeywood the way you came back in when you saw the wolf Let's retrace our steps without Bob Oh right! We did too that's where I'm getting confused Sorry, I've been very drunk The god of your mind: actually we went to where you saw the wolf yesterday Yes we did! We went and saw the wolves Shall we have a nice little rest and go up the path? I think so. I think that's what we're doing, yep A nice little resty rest I still don't understand how we left Honeywood Yeah Did the, did that crafty ranger turn us around? Give us instructions to go left, left, left, and left so we ended up doing a big circle? You wrote down the things, can you read them? Make a survival check with disadvantage cos you're drunk Okay I wrote it down as well, can I Everything with Ben is like disadvantage from now on 20! but with disadvantage cos you're drunk Ah, f*** - It's ok, it's only a 1 in 400 chance of you doing it again
- Roll another 20, roll another 20! 13 Investigation...survival rather Survival, 2 15 15 Thinking on it, you were following wolf tracks yeah you met a ranger yeah he said no you're going the wrong way, go back the way you came from the wolf tracks until you hit the river, then take a left and head until you see the mountain, then take a left and go in... and you think yep, that ranger turned us around. Oh, sneaky bastard ranger Do you guys wanna go and kill no no no- Hear me out we either got turned around hang on a sec Scottish Hear me out, hear me out - He's so drunk he's losing his Scottish accent
- We either got turned around That sort of thing, we got turned around
-Or, or... is it possible that there's like an alternate dimension No. and we've like gone into a different dimension No. I've been into many different dir-dimensions No look, imagine our Honeywood's in some other dimension now we're gonna spend the rest of our lives in like this new dimension maybe like that maid of Honeywood is not a maid I've ever met before but she's like from the new dimension? No. Certainly not Definitely got turned around ...like the mirror side of the...you guys hearing what...have another one? Yeah boi! Gonna party! I dunno what you're saying Bodger I dunno what I'm saying mehhrh So, you get pissed, you spend the night in the morning, long rest - I'm still...dimension...weird
- I get up, put my pants on You can, Rowan, you can heal yourself Heal! Long rest, everybody
Who wants some garlic and fish? Who wants some? Garlic and fish is up good way to start the day
num num num num num Potato? Baked potato?
-On your app you can renew those spells, it's a long rest Oh yeah, long rest You got some damage, long rest Make sure it's all reset The next morning both of you make a constitution saving throw I feel like I'm in groundhog day, I just keep waking up hungover in Honeywood Naked and hungover 10 + 4 constitution [Bob] 16 - 16 + constitution
- Yeah, is that your save? So 14 Yeah so both of you wake up without too bad of a hangover You manage to hold it fairly well Alright.
Means that Greg's ale's probably fairly weak Fairly weak yeah You-
Feeding me piss water -Okay guys, there's two options
-You have the day ahead of you 1. We go back and shake down the ranger 2. We go up the path Up the path Shake down the ranger - Hey guys remember when I was saying
- I think I want to shake down the ranger we should go up the path? just saying... Remember when I was the only one brave enough to do it? I don't know what happened to my accent just then Guys remember when there was like this dangerous shitty place there and us going ah f*** Well, ok we- Remember guys when the guy with a great axe didn't bother to cut down the thorns? Urghh You also notice, while you're in your shop, that more shit has been stolen overnight WHAT THE F***? The longer you leave it, the longer the bullywugs are in town - Oh ok, these bullywugs are starting to grind my gears!
- The bullywugs are not leaving until you deal with the wolves - and whenever they're in town they are stealing shit
- I think we need to go shake down the ranger - Ok, let's go shake down the rangers
- Also, you left your shop unattended last night Baradun, Bodger rather. So Bodger, more of your shit's stolen as well So, you set off, follow the exact same route that you did before Yup and head back into town On your way, you get to a similar sort of location when *shgngngng* an arrow across your face and looking across you see an androgenous elven person Oh, hello fellow elf - Who says--
- Oh that's right, I keep forgetting you're an elf this is Rangers Guild territory, only the most daring, the most charming, and the most cha... Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah... SKIP! These woods have been protected by SKIP! The dragon has been overhead SKIP! for three Oh SKIP! The gods of Ni-- SKIP! The wolves and the frogs...
SKIP! SKIP! SKIP! SKIP! SKIP! SKIP!
As long as these woods have stood up your butts SKIP! SKIP! SKIP! SKIP! You must speak this exact SKIP! if you wish to
SKIP! Your colleague sent us in the wrong direction and I am furious about it YEAH! That's right! We've been going round in circles and we're not happy - Round and round and round
- He sent us back to Honeywood He sent us down the low road
Yeah! Ah, did you go down the lower path next to the river? Yeah No, stupid humans, you're meant to go up the high path He told us to never go up the high path - under any circumstances
- yes, cos that's what I mean, he's a stupid human Who's the guy that gave us that advice?? I don't know them, I don't know who gave you it. I know that he was a stupid human if he told you to go down by the... Yeah, he was... - Right! Ok, I...
- I want to see if he's lying Yeah! Alright, see if they are lying with an insight check first one of these of the game [whispered] Oooh, motherf- I'd better get twenty Nice! Natural 20! Alright, plus your insight modifier?
Nice 3, so 23 *dice roll* Um, you gather something on the way that they're speaking they seem to be particularly good at deception but there is something in it that's wrong there's a couple of like, just a couple of hesitations where they think of the next thing and then say it and to a less trained eye, they'd probably miss it Well, there's four of us and one of them, let's intimidate. Okay, inti- You don't know this, he's seen this. - Okay, yeah, guys...
- What did you see? I think he's lying to us! What??! Okay... Let's shake him down! Let's f***ing intimidate him Let's intimidate Excuse me! No, no, first let's look around and make sure there's no other rangers Now can I just tell you, my intimidation level is 4
- For a start, I don't use him, I use they I have an extra 4 Good I have 3, let's intimidate this motherf***** I'm not, I'm trying to help you, you said you were looking for wolves Hey! We need to look, ok really quickly, we need to try and see if there's any other rangers around Everyone quickly look around! We all look, we all look Everyone, look around! Quickly!
We all look around [Baradun] I got 17!
[Greg] 19 [Bodger] 3
[Bob] 6! Alright, you don't see any other humanoids in the immediate vicinity Let's shake him down! Let's shake this boi down
Hold up hold up hold up hold up Shouldn't we just check that he's actually alone and not surrounded by a million other rangers? Alright, let's have a quick scan
Look around. Look around. Everybody look around! Agh! Aaah! Ok, I looked around, we're fine. We're fine. I think we're fine Everyone, roll for intimidation! Let's roll for intimidation! All four of us around them! [Greg] 13 [Bob] 4! f*** You're so useless!
[Bodger] 17, 18, 19 You are so useless! [Bodger] 21 I also got- [Bob] 5
- 21 intimidation Let's intimidate the shit out of this guy!
I shall intimidate this Let's get 'em! Right! *(not very) tough guy noises*
Yeah! Are you doing so with physics, are you just *grrrr*? I'm like you're gonna f****** tell us I put on my full Jason Statham this time Tell them Bodger, tell 'em Bodger Yeah, yeah, Bodger, my boi!
Get 'em Bodger, get 'em! Bodger's my boi!
Get 'em! Woooo! Right! Yeah! Now, you listen here mate. And, you listen good. Are you shakin'? Here's what's gonna happen You shakin'? Mate. You're gonna tell us exactly what we wanna hear That's right! If you say any lies, this man's gonna shank ya Woooooh!! Get in there, get in there Greg! Alright, alright! WHY ARE YOU LYING TO US? BECAUSE YOU'RE TRYING TO KILL THE WOLVES O Ohh Well... - Alright. What's so special about those wolves?
- They're just doing what they do that's what wolves do and you're coming in here slaughtering them and taking their coats and- Well we haven't done...
-fur trade and tearing down the forest and We haven't done that stuff yet... Look, we're not gonna trade them for furs, we're just killing them in cold blood Killing them for fun is what we're doing Yes, and that's why we don't want it. Alright? Well, we're killing them for frogs really - That's why he sent you down the lower path
- We have no choice, we have to do it to get our shit back from the frog people Fine. Can't we do a selective culling? Or can you just get the wolves to move along? That, we're currently trying, we're not sure why they're growing in such numbers but we are working on it, okay? This is a bit of a daisy chain of a quest! Goodness. Listen! We just, that's why he sent you down a dangerous path next to the river the high path is the safe one That guy's a prick. You must go back the way you came until you hit the path then take a left walk 500 yards, take a left eventually you'll see a clearing by a river you MUST take the high road under no circumstances shall you take the low road
-The high road! The high road. Right. That shall lead you to the wolves So we should have gone that way the whole time, innit Oh my god, don't push me mate. Don't push me. - Should have gone that way the whole time.
- But once you get there I just have to say I don't- Is he still lying to us? be nice. Just be nice, the wolves are, they're doing what they do naturally
-He wouldn't, I got 21 on intimidation he wouldn't dare.
- He wouldn't be lying to us, would he? Wouldn't lie to us nah Cos he knows what'll 'appen
*punching sounds* The wolves are nice Cos he knows what'll happen what can we do to help move the wolves along? Yeah There's currently a- There's currently a new alpha in the forest that has-- Well I have just- oh sorry, the wolves! They have been successful in combining many wolf packs into one and they're over hunting Seemingly at his discretion, I'm not sure Want a beer? So what you're saying is that if we can kill this alpha, that might-- That would probably move it along, yes dissimidate... dissipi...dissimidate precipitating Bodger!! You know what we should do? Take the high path *finger click* We're gonna take the high path Very good. Alright, that's where I wanted to go first of all but- Right!
Let's do it! Goodbye Let's go. Right. Let's do it! Alright, let's do this May the goddess of nature be on your side Watch yourself You follow the directions another hour or so
Leave him... to get to this point Man, if we had of just gone the high path a long time ago, I mean we would Bodger, I swear to God What is the marching order? I swear to God What's the order? That is like- Send Bodger first! Send Bodger first That's like two episodes Yeah Bodger first, Greg at the back as per Okay, let's do it Alright - As you round the corner, Bodger--
- Thank f*** ...dies you see that there is a large boulder in this path Well hold up, hold up Bob. Was that rock there before? [In Scottish] It wasn't there last time Urghh! Lelelelele
How did you miss that last time?! I need you all to make a strength saving throw please Okay. Strength saving throw. - Saving throw, that doesn't sound good
- With disadvantage With disadvantage?
Oh what?? [Greg] 7 [Bodger] 18 + 19 yeah yeah Strength saving Is that cocked? Strength, what did you say? Oh, so sorry, it's the 18 Oh, well, *maths*, 16 What was my first one? 8? 8 and then plus anything? Your strength It won't be enough - 22
- 9 Alright, so, Is 16 enough, please? Bodger, I got 6, does that help us at all? Does it? Bodger, you see in front of this rock as you're looking at it, like you're not sure, you turn round to your friends and then you turn back and the rock has moved about 5 ft back and in its place is a at least 7.5 ft tall, seemingly like a very thin bear looking person
What is that?! Whoa whoa whoa! Puts their hands out and blasts a huge gust of wind at all of you The people, these two, Great, Bodger, great we came up here innit Feather fall! It worked out a treat, didn't it? Oooooooh... Baradun... You'd better shut your mouth - 16 would be enough, unfortunately--
- You'd better shut your mouth in front of you is a very thin elf who gets blown off his feet and slams into you, raising the DC that you needed and you both get flown off of the cliff and woooooooooo *splash* Man, I'm so glad we came up this path Flung down into the water Aaaaarrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!!!!! Grrrr... Urrrrrrgh... Bodger, you get pushed only 5 ft back as you see Do we end up in the glade? I think? I guess so? As you see this bear-like person *boosh* it's all you buddy and the wind continues, it is very strong wind, but you're stronger Right, I'm gonna - riiight! - f*** him up I'm gonna f*** him up I'm gonna swing my- great axe, you've got a great axe - great axe at his bloody head With disadvantage because of the wind Awww shit
Oh no 10 Oh, please be more than 10 OH NO! 6. Plus - plus your attack modifier - er strength modifier 3 so 9 9. Not enough. So you swing and the big broad side of the axe as you bring it back catches the wind and it's just too hard to push against the wind The rest of you, get swept down the river Ooooh... OoOoh... We're in the glade again, shall we skim stones? It is - yeah I look for stones Oh sorry, at the end of your turn, I need you to make another strength save as the wind continues 19. 19. You continue powering, just knuckling down and powering against this wind as they're continuing to try and hit you with it As I sail down the river I go: You got this Bodger! - They're just going to continue trying to push you with it
- [distant] Go fuck yourself Bodger! It's back to you Um, pffffft, - I reckon keep swinging dawg
- Are we running back at this moment? - Ok, ok, ok, ok, I'm gonna try
- You're still swept away in the river at this point each round is only 6 seconds I'm gonna attempt to communicate with this thing, go: What do you want? Why are you doing this to us, to me and us? You shout this against the wind, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? And, they, then you get swept down river more, then on their turn they say: You're not welcome in these woods, get out We just want to kill a wolf At the end of, I need you to make another strength save 4
Dammit Plus 3. And with that you finally just, your foot gives way and *ahhhh* you're pushed off *spoosh* into the river Eventually while you guys are skimming stones, one of you skims just as Bodger's head comes up *bink* *boop* Yeah, gotcha!
Sorry Bodger! This place, this whole place, is really pissing me off. It's just PISSING me off. Alright, you eventually walk another hour to the edge of the forest, find yourself back in Honeywood We shouldn't have blindly turned-
Arrrrgggghh! It is late afternoon this time cos you didn't spend quite as much time doing shit Do we just head straight out again? TAVERN! TAVERN! Tavern, sleep
Beer! Beer beer be be be beer!
Tavern! Long rest, next day! Yay! Drink! I'm gonna punch Greg! No. ZzzzzZZzzzzzZZZZzzzzzzZZZZzzzzzZzzzzzz Who wants breakfast? Garlic and fish! You make your way to the same place *schdngdngdng* This time you see a dwarf, who tries to start: This is the Rangers Guild- SKIP!!!! You rangers lied to us again! No you need to go the wrong way, oh no it's the elf gave you the wrong direction, you need to be on the right side of the river Oh for f- *deep breath* Okay, okay, hang on hang on
You're coming, she's f***ing coming with us She's f***ing coming with us *contagious giggles* Alright, Greg, Greg, Greg, okay, okay, Bob grabs Greg and shakes him Arghhhh! Greg, Greg, slaps, calm down! Calm down for the love of god Okay. Guys Alright. Pump the brakes It was just the elf's problem, they're stupid and they sent you on the wrong path, you need to be on the right side of the river to get past it Yeah, you're coming with us you dirty b**** I wanna do a lying investigation as well again - Make an insight check, with advantage
- Greg! - Sorry Very much not like you Okay, I'm sorry 9 or 14 With advan- with thing is... Insight
Er, 17 17. Not only is this person lying, they're speaking with a similar rhythm and a similar cadence to the two other people you've met Aaaaahh, you're not a ranger at all!! Pause. Pause pause pause. Murder. Murder. I'm proposing murder.
-Murder. Murder? I'm on board! So we've already, from the lie test last time, we know that they're trying to protect the wolves No we don't No we don't We don't know that We just know they're lying No, but he even said like- - Yeah, and he might have been lying
- No, you said that You said that. So, let's explain what happened. They were saying oh you just need to take this path it'll be fine. He discovered they're lying to us You confronted them about it, they came clean with a different lie Yeah Oh I don't think this prick's a ranger at all, I think he's some shape-shifting goblin-y piece of shit Detect magic! Yeah, detect magic! Alright. So, by now your wand has recharged to full, you've got three charges You use it, and you cast it, and you definitely get a sense of illusion magic from this person Yeah Murder! Agreed. Let's go, wait wait wait wait The dwarf steps, takes a step back and nocks an arrow Wait. Wait. I've got an idea What? I'm gonna steal from 'im Ooooh... I mean *whispers* I'm gonna steal from him We know, she or he now knows that we know that they're using illusion magic so now that we know that let's intimidate It might be a dop- I don't know if dopplers exist in this universe but it might be a doppler, a shapeshifter
-Who knows what he is? Might be Rogue from X-men? - So I'm thinking I could
- Maybe. So I'm thinking I could distract him with my mage hand, sneak around behind him and pick his pocket Sure Bob, just do you man Okay, I'm gonna make a dance I'm standing right here! Alright, here I go, wish me luck Hey hey Hey hey Hey hey Okay, okay
-I'm dancing! Bodger's dancing
Hey! I'm dancing! While he's distracted I move round
I'm dancing! behind the gnome very quietly Dwarf Make a stealth check first 17 Pretty good Plus 7 24! Now make a sleight of hand check Hey hey Hey hey That's not bad As you are sufficiently distracting her with, she's not liking what's going on Mememememe, over here! Here here here here here Dancing man Very distracting, innit? 10 + 7, so 17 17.
What are, what're you doing? So your hand goes in to where the dwarf's pouches should be and you feel fur against like the back of a leg Ah, ok Why is your back so furry? and why does it feel like a thigh? Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!
Alright alright alright alright alright! That's enough That's enough *Totally super cool dance noises* Can you stop it? That's enough, alright, fine. So you see the dwarf illusion drop and in its place stands a 7 ft tall creature *gasp* that is furry head to toe almost like a thin bear What did you find out? It's actually a 7 ft tall bear thing Oh. I think you'll find that's a firbolg Yeah Bear thing Aghhhhhh! Oh wait! It's the bear thing! Ah! You're the one who blew us off the ridge! Hang on, you're the one who, yeah yeah, you're the one who blew us off the thing! Outrageous How're you doing? I haven't seen you in a while DON'T! Ignore that!
Yeah You've got some explaining to do!! YEAH! More of that, less of this Yeah And were you? So, every time we saw a ranger it was just you? It was Awww
*fist slam* -You see this person has-
-Why did you? Hmm... This person is almost cow like in the fact, they've got a really sort of snub nose and long sort of- Just quickly, what's going on with your face? *laughter* I'm a firbolg A what?
A furwolg? Ah! Firbolg... This rings a bell for you, make a nature check Yeah, it does make a, for Adam it makes a rings a bell Who the fuck's Adam? 7 plus I don't know you from Adam mate (groan) 9 You feel like you should know something about these creatures but all you remember is they are considered guardians of the forest and very secretive I'm a firbolg, it's just what we look like Why have you been lying to us? Because I wanted to protect the forest, I wasn't lying about that But why aren't you protecting the frogs? The bullywugs and things? Yeah because they're destroying the forest, have you not been in the area? Everything around them they just consume and devour They don't know how to look after things Right. Let's go back and kill those f***ing frogs Now listen 'ere. Listen 'ere. Jason Statham here. Scottish, Scottish
I don't know who that is? They've got our...Scotland...they've got our shite and they've said to us the only way we can get our shite back is if we kill the wolves What are we supposed to do? Alright, fine. I'll come, I'll level with you there Thank you makes sense. I was telling the truth, the wolves have been gaining in number because there's a new alpha in town Oh yeah, calm down. Don't break your own arm jerking yourself off Since it seems like you're not to be dissuaded I will take you to the wolf den and you can talk to this new alpha and if you can persuade him to leave, or if necessary kill him then the wolves should disperse Thank you! Geez, that's all we wanted!
Let's do it As we follow you, I'm going to be making constant lying throws Ah, that makes sense, I understand that Oh man, I am going to stab you with a dagger I'm not gonna say it, I'm not gonna say anything Guys, can we let the firbolg talk?
Good, good, good! - But we both know what...
- Ooooooooh... Oooh, we all know So - here we go - at this point, we'll use this as a sort of the path that you're on and this is all trees on either side and can you just place yourselves please? Thank you At this point as they turn to start leading the way you hear a *crrkkkshh* tearing of the fabric of space
Ah! Jesus Christ! Ah! and a familiar portal opens ahead of you -and through it
-oh, is this that prick? suddenly on the path you see a tall skinny elven man with white hair and steel blue eyes wearing thick dark robes of the Temple of Carlabor stepping through with a putrid green pseudodragon cradled in one hand So is that your- your boi? Firebolt to the face!! Counterspell Argh Firebolt! Counterspell! That didn't work guys... Yeah, it was a valid attempt The thing is that this guy FIREBOLT TO THE FACE!
dammit Counterspell Magic missiles! Do you know magic? No Yeah, you're not magic Bodger Worth a shot though Well, not really Worth a shot No, I mean, you could have done it. It's a pretty low level spell He says: Baradun I didn't give you permission to leave. We weren't done talking It's not surprising that I would find you in such a poxy insignificant little arsehole of a place - It's not that bad! Hey hey hey
- Hey, it's not that bad c'mon! Honeywood is not that bad IT IS LOVELY! Yeah yeah Honeywood is yeah I grew up in Honeywood Yeah! Shut. Up. [tiny voice] I'm sorry I'd do what he says - he's incredibly powerful at the moment
- I distract him with my mage hand You should know that I have eyes and ears everywhere There's no way to get word around faster than with the beasts of the forest And you look up and see dozens of birds just perched on the branches ahead - Firbolg, did you rat us out?
- I shoot them all with my bow No, I don't know what's going on? Who is this guy? Hmmmmm Lying check! Murder! Yeah! Murrrrderr... I actually should thank you Baradun if I had to kill you in my laboratory and dispose of your body it would have been, well it would have given me so much more work to cover it up before the occult forensic team could snoop around but out in the forest with all manner of beasties, well it's only a shame that I couldn't get to you in time to save you Of course I have no idea who any of you are, but Bob! I'm afraid you did just-- Your worst nightmare! I'm afraid you did just hear me monologuing so you'll have to die as well Er, I quickly turn to the firbolg: This guy's really really really bad, do you want to help us? As he draws a long wand from his loose sleeves, she steps forward and says Just be careful you've ensured you've tied up all the loose ends eh? *gasp* And he says Aww, oh god dammit Brave attempt at a bluff but I can see invisible creatures and I can see that there's no-one else here She says no no, no invisible ones, they're all very visible And she points up to the trees as you said yourself, there's no better way to get around word than with the beasts of the forest - He says to her
- Oh, hang on, D'ya know what I mean? Those beasts, those beasts were What're you doing? Those beasts work for me, you think you have more power over these feeble-minded creatures than the soon-to-be new high sorcerer of the Temple of Carlabor? Says: I think so. And she lifts up her staff and dozens upon dozens of birds *whooph* swarm out, almost blocking out the sun Yeah boi! - Swarming down to her
- Hang on, who's she? Oh right! Landing on her upheld staff and she says: you see, I'm not just a firbolg, but I'm a druid as well Nice and the beasts of the forest speak with me You're alright You're alright by me, I'm glad we didn't murder you Really sorry I called you a dirty bitch - He says--
- I'm not, you still lied He says, sorry, she says, I've got no doubt that you're powerful enough to strike us all down without breaking a sweat but you can rest assured that the entirety of Azerim will know what you've said here today before you even wake up tomorrow morning so I suggest you leave here the way you came in and if any of these fine gentlemen should meet an accidental end in the next few weeks you'd better hope there's not even the smallest of eyes around to see it Shame!! He seems to be contemplating his options What's his name again? His name's Master Laethil - Lehthil
- Laethil - Laethil
-Laaethil And he turns and says-- [Bob Whispers] Master Prick Fine! You're safe for today but I know all of your faces now and should any of you step within a mile of Gerdawn *smirk* And with that last threat, looking at each of you in turn, making sure that he's memorised your faces Ohhhhh, I don't like that! I don't know if he saw my face cos I was going like this the whole time Oh were you?! You didn't describe it Is it too late to do this? Wait, he doesn't know me does he? Er...I'll just...cover that... I want you to see my face. I want you to memorise these eyes cos these, these eyes are gonna be looking straight into yours when I kill you sunshine Yeah, that's right. Because we are...the people...that will... not be afraid of things that you...we're not afraid of you...yeah Yeah, that's right! Me and Bodger - Yeah! - Me and Bodger comin' atcha Actually, he already knows my face, so I might as well Bob and Bodger! Yeah Bob and Bodger, comin' atcha! Bob and Bodger, comin' atcha! He turns. Opens a portal without even using his staff like Baradun does Oh my god - And he steps through it
- And as he walks through I firebolt! Counterspell Without even looking - And then--
- I fire a shortbow! Oh, he's gone, he's gone ...that just went *shoom* - It knits up Small plot hole here - correct We can still say bad things about him and get the word out hmm... But he'll know that too though But then he'll just come and kill us but then, yeah?
- But that was the whole reason he wasn't killing us just now because of the bad word would get out Yeah, so if we release the bad word, he's got nothing to lose - Exactly, that's--
- he'll come back and just kill us so he's got nothing to lose... Your friend's not very smart is he? No. No, he's a little bit-- He's really not If we, like, that's our chip that we've got over him at the moment He's saying "plot hole" in real life, like, "this is a plot hole" I don't know-- This is not a phrase I say very often, I just want to say thank you, what's your name? Vanessa - Hey, someone asked us to--
- Huh, I wasn't expecting that name Ahhhhh! Oohhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! We had to say a thing to Vanessa! Yeah! Um, Oh! The froggy, the frog guy! What are you doing? The f***ing frog guy! Was it the frog guy? I'm pretty sure it was the frog guy He said say, he said-- Say hi, to Vanessa Say hi! Frog guy says hi What? When did? Who? How do you remember that? What? Shut up Bodger The frog guy! Hey Vanessa! King frog, what was the king frog's name? You met the king? Ah, I remember it being a name that was a bit like, I'm not going to remember that one - Yeah, Vanessa, King frog says hi!
- Yeah he said if you see Vanessa, he says hello Yeah, that's nice So do you have anything back from that or? Um, no, I-- We're probably going to go back later on we could-- Any messages to pass along? You can, tell him I hope he's doing well and um-- He was doing well throwing up a lot of our items Yeah How do you guys know each other? Bad reflux Um, I awakened him You what? Oh! You're the one who gave him his powers Well, he doesn't have powers, I just gave him the ability to talk So it's your fault? It's all your fault? No! No no no, he was no. The bullywugs-- I thought you said they were destroying the forest? They are So it was your fault? It's a long st-- he wasn't with the bullywugs when I awakened him, he was just a giant toad Why is he stealing our shit? - Well because that's what the wolves do
- Because of the wolves! Right, so you turned him into a bullywug? No, I turned him, I awakened him, I gave him intelligence and the ability to speak - So what? Because of the wolves he's stealing our shit?
- He was a friend for a while, then we had a falling out Yeah, because the wolves have taken over their territory - Soooo... he's stealing our shit?
- So they're moving closer to Honey-- So yeah, the natural thing to do is-- So they're moving closer to Honeywood and they're just stealing what's around Ohhhhh! If we don't want them stealing Honeywood's shit we need to give them somewhere else to go It seems like your friend gets it We're smart!
Brains mate! Plus 2 intelligence It's, it's a loose connection at best I've got intelligence too! Am I, am I the only one? You seem to be kinda, - I think you get what...
- I kinda, I guess Shall we move maybe? Cos- And she continues on down the path 11! I've got 11 intelligence! Took me a while, but I got there Eleven? What does that even mean? - Out of what?
- What's our quest now? Can you, we, for selfish reasons, want to help you resolve the frog-wolf scenario Thank you, that would be appreciated Don't get me wrong, it's for selfish reasons but we'll help Thank you So you're saying this as you're walking and talking, she's leading you in a similar direction to the way that you were heading before, the ones that she directed but off to the side a little she's keeping you on the right path it seems She'd better... Or at least a different path Hmm, watching you mate I pull my dagger out With the four of you keeping close watch she is not trying anything it seems I still don't get the wolf... What? I don't get any of this, what is going on? Yeah, it's alright mate, you're not meant to because you're an idiot You see? ...minds - You know what? I'm gonna roll intimidation at you!
- I can see why he's a blacksm- What does that even mean? 7 What are you talking about? Argghhhhh! No effect. Grrrrrr! Well then, um, *whistles awkwardly* At Bob! What is happening?
10! Aaarrrgggghhhhhh! No effect. - What is he doing? Is he--
- I have no idea... - Are you ok?
- I'm intimidating, I'm intimidating him Are you feeling alright down in your gut? They're intimidated by me now Got problems? I punch Bodger in the face - There are a few leaves in the um--
- 17 Try it, try it 17. Go. Try it. I punch him in the face, 17. If you're allowing PvP then that does hit Go for it, try it Alright, you punch him in the face, what's your strength modifier? We don't have time, we don't have time! So you do 2 points of damage to your face *Crack!* ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Two points of damage... Take it off
Oh. Yeah! How did that go? Bodger calm down! We need to go to the wolves Guys guys guys, let's keep moving forward? Yes And progress... Wassup? ...the quest - I don't think I've
- Shut up! quite stressed how dangerous this wolf is I'm not sure if you're quite up to the task I reckon we're fine
No no, we're up to the task Right? Guys?!
Will you help us Vanessa? I will, I'll do my best yes You guys gonna be good? I make no promises Urgh, you literally don't have to be here Right! Let's kill this wolf Alright. Yeah! Or talk to this wolf I understand you're a vegetarian? Yes I am but that doesn't have anything to do with anything That's neither here nor there I'm a pescatarian... - You guys, you can't bond on that
- Good idea I suppose I don't eat- so I don't want to hurt the wolf either but y'know... I will *smack* punch it a bit for pissing me off Alright, so, we will just introduce you to the glade that she eventually takes you into Move your dice please thank you *whistling* Right, I investigate the glade for skimming stones This is - I like this one, it's a beautiful location - hell of a glade Alright... - Aw, there's a little tent there and-
- Glade plug-ins very nice As she sort of steps up towards the top of this hill and crests over it a little, she goes: yeah, he's definitely in Um, listen - she comes back down the hill He doesn't know what I really look like, um I've kinda managed to make a bit of bonding over time um, by looking a little different So you're not going to freak out if I change, are you? I mean, couldn't be worse Well we've seen you as three different things already so go on Yeah, but this one's different, those are illusions that I can do, this one is actually me changing Well ok, that's fine, we have seen some shit, we've been through a lot, we've been through a bit - We went to hell once!
- Stop talking about it and just do it We went to hell once, that was crazy! Yeah Honestly, I grabbed a giant toad tongue earlier Yeah, yeah My hand comes off! Nobody asked you to do that Alright then. And as she says this you see the face elongate, the ears go from like pointed cow ears up to sharp wolf-like ears she grows even more hairy on the snout, around the mouth and then long legs appear and she turns into a gigantic direwolf ARGGGHHH! AAARRRGGGHH! OH MY GOD! AARRGGHHH! LOOK AT ITS FACE! AAAAAAHH! CHRIST! I can hear the bones snapping! Ewwww *wolf snarl* Oh, she can't talk Then she- Let's follow wolf Vanessa - Up the hill
- Yeah, follow her As you crest over the top of this hill Alright then, following the wolf then eh You get to the top of this hill, you see-- Good work! You see a whole bunch of wolves, a whole bunch of wolves just dotted around the place Um - Oh God - and as the light is fading, some sort of twilight time of day you can see that through the shadows and the darkness of these trees over here you see the very faint glinting of some yellow pale eyes A lot more wolves... And I suppose that's where we'll leave it... Well if you're here to talk, come down and talk First things first, I want my helmet back If they want a feast we can set out a banquet Ray of frost! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NOT F***ING HURT THEM! I WANT MY ARMOUR BACK! Guys, there's literally no reason to be a team together So f*** you f*** you f*** you F*** YOU! Keep going, no keep going Are...are you the high sorcerer? I've got a problem just outside if you could help? They're splitting us up AHHHHH! HYARGGH! HYAH! OW! What the? Hrr-duh I think the most pressing thing is trying to figure out who was trying to assassinate us I vote quake I vote quake I vote dirt I also vote quake So quake I'm gonna hoof my torch at him Can't be that bad Huah! - HOLY MOLY!
- SHIT! Illuminated from beneath - OH MY GOD
- HOOLLLYYYY SHIT! - That thing is HUGE!
- Stone the flaming crows! WHAT?! If you're liking this campaign go back and watch out Descent into Avernus and our isolation games campaign They're just as fun! Also, subscribe
