Norm Macdonald Homeless Bum Jokes Compilation

police in New York investigating the deranged homeless man who attacked a girl with a hypodermic needle have made a shocking discovery he's Mickey Rourke after 30 years of non-stop touring the Grateful Dead is finally breaking up fans of the group formerly known as dead heads will now be called homeless people last week a hungry homeless man in a stolen truck led Pennsylvania and New Jersey police on a 100-mile chase before surrendering when he was promised two egg sandwiches when are we going to stop negotiating with terrorists it's just ridiculous in a special ceremony sponsored by Publishers Clearing House 16 year old amber combin Gann has been awarded $10,000 for her tireless work to feed the homeless although the young girl said that she would trade it all in a second if only she could get a shiny new Lexus instead Kansas City - people that were - home to people Oh drats [Applause] two homeless people who met at a soup kitchen we're married in front of homeless guests at the very same soup kitchen for those who want to give the couple of wedding gift they are registered at Kansas City's district 5 recycling pen and finally due to a change in policy and track employees will no longer be able to kick homeless people out of penn station based on the way they look from now on they will have to go solely on urine stench I'm trying to be a better person now you ever try to do that I'll give her guys some money out there a homeless guy in the street and this is a kind of I think he had a dog with him nervous he is he's a homeless guy he's got a dog that kind of odd their guy got no home yeah he's got and the guys really thrilled with this idea that's great pal I could do this by myself right now yeah yeah the longest walk in the world you gotta be out here [Applause] you know I don't want to tell you how to do your business but I got a suit on I should kill you to wear a tie you know just come one make me feel better no I haven't as I had a tie and on the way here a dirty homeless bum stolen you look like you're in town on a convention and have decided to go nuts you know when you got a kind of a hypochondriac so when I get sick I want to find out if I'm gonna die you know from it mm-hmm and so I try to like think where did I get the sickness you ever do that yeah you figure out did I you did I come in contact with something what you know how did I get it yeah did I get cuz I know like Ross a brash skyworks up on Saturday Night Live he was sick last week I thought maybe I got from him I remember I ate some shellfish a few days ago and then yesterday I got stabbed with a rusty syringe but it's 80 pound homeless guy probably Ross a brash yeah yeah well what else is going on if you haven't you went back as you get in the holiday spirit II what kind of guy that gets I'll do something nice you know you like you ever tried to do something nice no it was Christmas in New York you know and I was alone so anyways I went there was a diner that I always go to near my house it's a really nice diner and so I went there and there's this homeless bum there right yeah okay okay well I all right okay sir I'm not gonna let you get to this story I'm just gonna keep giving you a hug bomb do you mean meet a bum a hobo a yeah yeah a little stick with a 1930 yeah okay and he says to me says can I get some money hop you know I don't like giving the homeless bums money I'll tell you why because I figure they'll do the crack never give a homeless bums money because they'll go do the cracker so I said okay I said I want to give this guy money you'll go to the guy said why I just bring you in the diner you know and I'll get your meal I'll buy your meals Christmas you know be nice so the guy goes okay so we go in the diner and we order you know the meal and this guy just keeps ordering food you know like you've really hungry yeah and three or there's an orders and orders and I'm like well you know you gotta be nice got to there you know Thanks and so I order like a soup or something and then all of a sudden like this unbearable stench comes off the guy huge stench really it's not like like like like okay yeah it was like human waste or something you know and it seemed to be coming from the guys like trousers the diner right so I have to go to this diner right so everybody's looking at me like what the hell'd you bring a homeless bum in the diner club with a stench you know so I'm like I'm trying to eat my soup I can't even eat it and I'm wishing I'd I wish and I bought this guy crap I wish I'd got I wish that God found some crack and the bottom for the guy so anyway everybody hates me the guy that you know you're there every day and so then the end of the meal comes this guy's ordered everything and I'm look at my love I've only have like 28 bucks it was like 31 bucks out of the soup and so now basically we're two homeless bums about Rockefeller is that Rockefellers few and I don't know what he was talking about and I go little buddy you got to come up with something here you know kicking so the guy goes in his pocket and then I you know I didn't want him didn't who's God knows what he has in his pocket right but he has done some coins and they're all gross good they're like do some were black anyway that's my Christmas stuff [Applause] [Laughter] get your child goodnight I've been doing stand-up you know at clubs and stuff yeah yeah man I didn't realize how much I forgot how much I stunk at it like I'm not good everyone hates me I did I went to the this gig great in town even here the Bowery yeah perfect yeah you know that place right yeah I've heard of it yeah it's good row mm-hmm and so there's all these homeless bums on the street and everything like that yeah you have to go through it so I'm into this club and I bond they hated my guts so so mad you know I get mad when I don't do good and then so I went out of the thing you know I walked down walk like that really yes you've got that problem I remember so I get out and this homeless guy you know this bum he starts walking beside me bugging me you know Hey those comm phones anymore try a trance okay riding the rails all right just a layabout in you he's like coming up to me and he's like bugging me I want money always want money you know ya never have money you know the problem with them yeah so they're like hey give me some money give me some money and he you know they sometimes don't walk with you so I said look man I said I'm gonna give you some money if you just go away I'm mad at him you know I was mad I go here and I score so I pull in my pocket I just give them a bunch of money like change you know yeah give it to her you're glowing get out of here you dirty bum you know he goes away so there I go to get the subway you know and I look at my five giving the guy a my token my subway so you gave it away Emily another wallet or anything so I was thinking that I was gonna try to jump the thing but at that then you know you get in trouble for that so yeah I said I got to find that bum I have to go back and I'm walking back the street and there's all homeless bums are all lying there on the street ya know what you want is what check it out remember so I'm like lifting up guys a hats and stuff you know looking under newspapers finally I find this character I go hey you I go give me some of that money back you know and he's like no I'll go away he's turn mean you know cuz I was meeting them earlier like a biblical tale yeah okay the New Testament all right yeah I felt sorry for him you had no play and so I go okay forget about it I go to turn around then I grab his cup like real quick and I started running I like how you're you're running is like walking just turned out like ten degrees okay so it was great I got and and then I felt bad no cuz I when I looked through I had like a about a buck more than I gave them yeah that's terrible yeah well sometimes they say if you give you'll receive more in return that's the sweetest story I've ever heard I'm all choked up now I heard also you've been you did a little cartridges down-on-his-luck yeah that's what that's what happens why did you feel you had to throw that in what was the homeless guy you started tell me in my apartment in New York and I live in a nice walk up it's called a walk-up right in New York there's no elevators the idea is you'll walk up and that way it's easier to get like knifed and raped as over we have no doorman you know so a lot of times you'll go up you'll walk up and then there'll be a guy in there and then you run you know semis there's a homeless guy that was always in the front of the my apartment and I grew a guy he'd always be real friendly there very well one of the only gentlemanly people left or the homeless I find they're very nice to you they're like sir they call you sir you know and you could be anybody but their life sir I can define it in your heart to give me a dollar and I always give the guy every day I give the guy a dollar I think it was saving up for crack or something so I put the price of crack so one day there Jay I decided to get some delicious Kentucky Fried Chicken to eat I love that stuff and I go I buy my Kentucky Fried Chicken and this is what happens when I'm in this is another thing but the Kentucky Fried Chicken place I guess it hadn't been there for a while right so I go hey man can I get some of that Kentucky Fried Chicken so they give me that thing I go yeah when you throw in some a potato salad the girl behind the dish with potato salad where have you been so I get my Kentucky Fried Chicken I go man I'm gonna go home eat this Kentucky Fried Chicken maybe drink a couple gear you know and that's a good unit for me you know so I get home with my connected Fried Chicken I go up and I have the homeless guys there I don't have a dollar for my spend it all in a Kentucky Fried Chicken so I get up I hope my Kentucky Fried Chicken goodness gracious that they haven't given me seven pieces instead of my three that I ordered oh you know so I figure hey I can I can save this right but I figure hey you know it'd be nice if I gave the homeless guy the other four pieces of chicken all right and then I thought I'd better keep four it's not fair he gets four I get three so huh hi with the home you know yeah so I say I'll keep for I'll bring this guy 3 he'll like that I'll give him a couple of beers you know so I come down and I give the guy a couple of beer there might the 3 pieces of chicken and he's thank you sir thank you very much and so he's eating then I locked myself out I forgot my key I'm locked out of the apartment you know I had to phone a locksmith and I'm just standing around this homeless guy you know so I say yeah yeah yeah listen give me a piece of chicken there would you and this guy he goes I used to get your own chicken [Applause] it just goes to show you you can't do anything for a homeless homeless guy saving up for the crack and if there is a if you want or want to hear a story I love me a norm story one time we were in the office doing update stuff and there was a there'd been a news item about uh there was gonna be a newspaper for the homeless you know and so we were staying about doing some of that so we started improvising it was more of a scenes not something to do on segments but it was like like a tough kind of Perry White kind of editor doing like you know Miller I want 500 words on going to the bathroom in your pants you you know could be a human interesting you're insane that kind of thing a lot of like photos maybe some you know a little human side you know what are you know pets that kind of thing and so nothing came of it and and I sort of forgot we had the conversation and then the first beating we have after the summer norm comes to say hey remember that day you know thing we hear talking about yeah that's that thing with the newspaper for the homeless you know that thing homeless new standard yeah yeah well you know I was out in LA and I was asked to do this benefit you know for this coalition you see the homeless you know I haven't gone no all right you tell me now he that's part of the that's the Andy Kaufman part of the joke is he actually surprised that they hey that's what I can't quite figure it if we look at each other like that how could we ever turn down a homeless person's request for something I think you could I could you could oh yes I don't think it's helping these you never walk past a homeless person and they're begging you as a fellow human being or something and you ignore them and you maybe feel some evil by oh come on sometimes I think if I give this person money I'm kind of agreeing that you can't get out of this situation what are the things you like to change a change in the world yourself oh and myself I'd like to give more money to homeless people I walked past too many of them I'd give money to them I try as much as I can but every time I walk past I why did I give money that I get now you're sort of a technical master of jokes I love jokes and I love to disassemble and assemble them yes and now also the sitcoms yeah but you got you were able to solve that haiku also Oh after a while we figured out what worked on our show yes and have you ever considered publishing a book that tells all that how to book no but I have considered some way to pass along what I have accumulated I don't really know how to do it do you have any ideas um perhaps you get executive producer show with the Sebastian Mancow as the star I could do that yeah and and but what fun is that though where's the fun part for me or the no there's no fun for you there's no fun for me that's true it's well but what's the fun for you and giving a homeless guy spraying a handful of quarters and watching them dodging another traffic question answers itself hey homeless guys I'll tell you what I'll give you a dollar each we go to this building here and run around yelling and screaming alright you know that's very nice but I think what you probably need are like some psycho out-of-control homeless guys yeah we're more the broken spiritless I've lost the will to live type homeless guys how about for $2

Channel: I'm not Norm

Views: 805,404

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Id: IG2V5R97I7c

Length: 17min 36sec (1056 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 26 2018