How does being with a narcissist affect your body, mind, and soul?

[Music] hi everyone its dr. Romani welcome back to my youtube channel as always I'm thrilled to be sharing all kinds of new issues with you and today's a big one here's a big question how does your body your mind and your soul respond to a narcissist some of you may already know the answer to this but I have to tell you it's often in three very different ways before we go on as always please subscribe to this channel to keep getting this content please look out for my book that's coming out in a few weeks because then all of these answers are in one place it'll be available on Kindle e-readers regular book and as an audiobook so let's go back to the question how does a narcissist or being with a narcissist affect your body mind and soul let's start with the easy one let's start with your mind narcissus and I hope your kids aren't watching this narcissists are a mindfuck because they could fuse us they'd turn us upside down with their gas lighting some days are good so we're like this is great I actually I found it this is the whole package charm charisma excitement and then they discard us they change the rules they move the goal posts they throw tantrums and then they apologize they always leave us feeling off-balance so our minds tend to make excuses for them our minds are amazing at being accommodating our brains work like computers in that way they taking the data and they figure things out and you gotta remember our brain in some ways is a pre-populated computer it comes to us not only with our own temperament and genetics and things like that but very quickly it starts learning the rules around us so for example if you come from Emily were forgiveness is the most important thing no matter how terrible someone is your mind is gonna hold them and you're gonna come up with complex rationalizations so you can forgive this person or if you're taught that quitting only losers quit look I can't quit our relationship I can't quit a job because of a toxic boss that big lesson can often lead your mind to figure out way to make excuses issue second chances right rationalizations and it's your mind that often keeps you in a narcissistic relationship longer than you should be I gotta be honest with you when you're in a relationship with a narcissist your mind is actually one of the least useful parts of you because it is so good at saying well you had a good day and a good day is a good thing so why not try another day so let's talk about your body because where your mind may mess with you and always sort of be a little bit too logical sort of the dr. Spock of your brain your body is a heck of a lot more honest your body tells the truth and if you look at some of for example Bessel Vander Kolk work on post-traumatic stress he does a beautiful job and he says something amazing he says the body keeps score and I agree with that your body is honest so even as your mind is saying oh your boss is is that bad ah come on your mom that's just how he is or well at least you're at least your husband you know he does pay the bills kind of thing or he looks good to the world your mind is doing all this rationalizing meanwhile your body full of all that honesty starts falling apart I have had clients tell me everything from bizarrely developing autoimmune conditions when that wasn't even a risk factor in their family to having back spasms that were unrelenting horrifying migraines pain throughout their body all kinds of gastrointestinal problems numerous neurological issues eye twitches you name physically their bodies started giving out and these were people who were otherwise healthy their labs were normal general they took decent care of themselves genetically they were pretty clear like it wasn't like this was playing out some sort of like you know intergenerational cycle of illness they their bodies started giving out and it didn't make sense to them they're like why is this happening to me and sometimes it was very interesting it was like the part of them that wasn't working was exactly the kind of thing that the narcissist was bothering them without like for example horrific shoulder pain when the person felt like they were the only ones carrying the weight of the relationship your body keeps score and I've worked with many many many people who are survivors of narcissistic abuse who when they finally came into my office would say yeah I'm trying to figure out this relationship thing out and as I start asking them about their general health they give me a litany of health problems and they can't quite understand where they went more interesting in the cases where people are fortunate enough to get rid of that narcissist a lot of those health problems start to remit so your body is often honest and I will tell you without exception every person I know who stuck it out in any form of toxic relationship whether partner family boss friend they got sicker as time went on no matter how much their mind tried to rationalize it so finally let's talk about our soul our souls and interesting space I don't even know what to call this soul psyche it's that part of our us that feels listen and neuroscientist is gonna say come on Romani you know that the mind and the body and the psyche are all connected by lovely dendrites and axons and neurotransmitters fine but I got to tell you this many many times what I'll see is people who are having anxiety reactions fear reactions or just a sense that they are no longer themselves there they're almost like psychologically uncomfortable in addition to being physically uncomfortable even as their mind is saying stick it out you can find a compromise there's another way to think about this so that rational kind of mind is just sort of fighting and pushing and saying come on look at the data not good but your psyche also starts to feel sick the main thing we often see is anxiety apathy helplessness worry self-doubt and the thing that bothers me most the thing I see most often in people who are struggling with this is a loss of authenticity people lose themselves they'll often say like I I don't even know I don't recognize me I don't even know what I'm about anymore I don't know what I want I don't know who I am I don't know what I'm about they gave all of that over in the name of this relationship and think about it the only way the only way a relationship a long-term relationship of any kind where the narcissistic person works is if we pawn off parts of ourselves because if we bring our true authentic self into a relationship we wouldn't put up with this what we do and that's that's a stupid rational mind telling us to stick it out because it's the right thing to do but our psyche gives in and different parts of our brain likely are kind of working overtime the fear Network is likely firing and firing listen I've worked with a lots of people will say as the holidays get closer there's a heaviness I feel like there's not only do they start feeling sick not they're like you know the holidays are supposed to be fun then there's gifts and there's dinner and isn't this great and yet they say each day closer I get sadder and sadder the psyche knows to the psyche also keeps the score and that fear increases and increases they find themselves becoming more irritable more worried and even in the day to day I've had many people tell me when I hear his or her car pull into the driveway that's when I get upset and they'll say they'll start saying I hear the car in the driveway and my heart starts racing or I feel that uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and I don't mean this in the these are violent relationships these are just so those psychologically numbing invalidating dehumanizing relationships that leave you feeling that at best you're just keeping time and wondering why am I doing this so your mind body and soul actually experience narcissists in very different ways and the reason most people stick it out is because they listen to our their minds which is what we often do even as their body is falling apart and your soul is cracking if I can give you only one piece of guidance respect yourself enough to listen not just to your mind you know obviously it's got a little bit to bring to the table but please heed your body heed your psyche they're also communicating with you we are so contemptuous of talking about vulnerability and feelings in our culture that we're not even willing to sit down and feel them in ourselves and in a world where everything is quick and I can distract myself with Instagram or food or shopping or whatever else I can just sort of summon up quickly like Netflix and a thousands of hours of programming very rarely do we stop and sit and say Who am I what am I about and is this am I really that person while I'm in this toxic relationship the answers are there don't be afraid it doesn't mean you got to walk away doesn't mean you have to divorce your mother but it does mean you have to pay attention so you can set boundaries and protect yourself as always thanks for listening please keep tuning in subscribe and hit the bell so you can keep getting notifications about this content please read my books a lot of these answers are there and I look forward to talking to you again soon

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 713,622

Keywords: Narcissism, NPD, Narcissists, Relationships, Toxic Relationships, Unhealthy Relationships, Marriage, Divorce, Psychology, Therapy, Toxic People, Narcissist, yt:cc=on

Id: eJr1WQyNpH4

Length: 10min 49sec (649 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 30 2019