Nikki Glaser | Club Random with Bill Maher

aloha hello no no aloha aloha everyone has been on the trip aloha rover moore greets as aloha hello uh hopefully we didn't [ __ ] up our mics no i i meant to hug you in a way that didn't touch all right well tell me now if we yeah the gods so look who's here my little girl oh that's so sweet i have i mean we were in hawaii together i missed you i know that sounds uh provocative and it is oh my god you have to hear these stories of people and i have so much to ask you because we were there in december yeah then i watched your reality show right which was shot which was shot before so it's like one of those serial episodic shows that they got six months earlier right oh my god yeah exactly it just wrapped right when we like went on that trip is that right yeah pretty much right before it okay so i'm acquiring minds want to know oh yeah because i saw you on the trip with chris yes and i felt i knew a lot about you and him yeah and then from spending a week but then i saw the back story yep your trip was what really made us go okay let's like we're boyfriend and girlfriend like we were still like kind of deciding on the trip yeah we almost didn't make it on the trip we almost broke up right before it and then we went on it we had such a good time and we just it is the best for both such fans of yours and so it was so cool to feel ourselves around you this person that we both have in common of like you know our sense of humor and what we're the things we are into uh in media kind of connect us and so to share that trip and then to become friends with you over it and for you to like him it just made me see him in the light where i was like wow this guy's [ __ ] great and um yeah it was just the best choice that was really about me it was it always is bill even when this place is great i know isn't it oh my god it's awesome i know we're gonna we're gonna have a lot of good times here you're gonna party here right like this isn't just our party for years here that i don't know if you think oh yeah i've had this this house for almost 20 years um i cannot believe your backyard i cannot believe this house i mean i i'd only saw it i live next door yeah i know i know i saw that i didn't even live here you're like the minimalist style that i saw through the window as i walked past and then your backyard is so gorgeous no that's that you can't see my house from where you came in i could cross the yard right here uh well well your neighbors have a great place then i don't know i am the neighbor that's the place in your backyard keeps on going well anyway you got a nice place this is an awesome little uh the point is i see realizing right now that this love story that i'm going to get to the bottom yes um and i'm glad it sounds to me like there's been a happy ending yes oh my god that's fantastic okay so uh and apparently it was really a three-act play where i you were oh man if we could have captured that they he would have loved that yeah just going on a trip with bill maher i mean they were dying me to involve my famous friends and like you and i just weren't that close at that time otherwise i would have been facetiming you ever you would have been a main character of the show if you wanted to be no actually no of course would you ever do a reality why don't you facetime and this is kind of like a reality show yes well that was my idea was to like i said podcast they looked horrible it's just like they're very stilted they're just in somebody's house you got a big penis mic in your face you know it's just terrible i said i have this place that's cool i could like actually put a little money into like just doing it really right where no one's in the room and you don't even know where the cameras are yeah and we're getting high and uh but a a real an actual no of course i could i could not do that i'm done you could you would be fast like a a documentary about you i would love to watch an hbo documentary like following you on the road or on the eve yeah that actually that's a great idea that could be kind of fun yeah i mean i we would love to i loved pulling back the curtain and this is what this is really okay so just easier to do a reality show you don't want to okay and you can be high for it bill let me but wait you're not going to get me off this sorry it's not correct yes i'm so curious i haven't seen you in a couple of months yes so i'm dying to find out okay now let's put the the timeline together like they do when they ruin the godfathers and they put the god obviously they make the godfather saga and of course godfather two takes place both before and after oh really yes which is why it's so great oh you never saw the godfathers what are you a [ __ ] communist what i'm so disappointed oh my god what a dick i know what a dick i know and i can't even i can't i'm gonna call chris and tell him not to marry him i don't think i don't know if we'll get married i mean it's but the godfather comes on i know i know and the most embarrassing part i can only want to say this because it's just so it's so i i auditioned for a movie recently um with reading with francis ford coppola just called in no no first audition just that you and five other people auditioning for this metropolis like his movie that he's spending all his money on and has investors and just because he wanted a female comic for this role didn't get it but um maybe because i didn't watch i just didn't i didn't do my research i didn't have time and i certainly didn't lie to him about it um he didn't ask me but um yeah it's i i'm bad about that i know i know there are many things that i need to catch up on but it was so it was incredible reading looking at him in the eyes and like doing a scene where i'm crying it was awesome he was like do you want to read with this guy or with me and i'm like with you i'm never gonna get to do this again i'm not getting this part you're insane to ask me to come here you iconic figure who i've never been bothered enough to watch his main movie i mean someday this is gonna mean so much to me but not today all i can say is i know chicks i don't like violence i don't like violence i don't like gun violence that's why i can't watch the sopranos i can't watch the wire i can't watch anything breaking bat i can't watch any of it i really can't i i just i know that i would love it that's why i love mad men nothing [ __ ] happens there's no jump scares well it's a different i i love mad men too oh i i agree but i'm safe and knowing that it's gonna get their head blown off it's very difficult godfather you can like both things i do i believe i know i would love it i i just have to be in the right state of mind and i um but also like compared to the violence that's in movies today it's very tame well i don't watch any of it bill i don't watch okay but people do get shot in the mafia i know but i don't want to see it i really don't but that's not the focus of the movie if you can tell me when it's going to happen and i can look away or put a pillow over my head i'll do it no you have to get over there i look up when there's going to be scary moments in movies the pillow is not the answer what i do is i blur my eyes i came up with that trick back when i was very ashamed of being a scaredy cat i would learn how to i can blur my eyes enough that i can't the pillow is like vaccines fight this battle internally win it inside of you i don't want to i know that i'm missing out on good stuff but i okay really we all i have weird fears there are things i i've never seen uh you know sense and sensibility you know oh you know what i've only heard pride and prejudice have you seen pride and prejudice um oh i love pride and prejudice because karen knightley is that her smoking hottiest oh my god yes i only watched that movie i've only seen that movie in the clips of just her and darcy and it's all youtube compilated into the hottest scenes and i masturbate to it i'm not even joking you it's so hot and it's just their hand their hand will touch just linger and it's the hot it's hotter than porn to me um oh that movie i don't know if i can go that far but well i mean i but she is lava she is the kids changed hot to fire because that was so original right so i thought you know what [ __ ] you i'm gonna up the ante lava that's what i'm that's so good i think so right i love it you know where they find lava hawaii hawaii there we go we're back to hawaii okay so my my analogy with the godfather was yes they should just you should never do that they they showed the beginning of part two which takes place at the earliest and then they showed the regular godfather and then the parts in godfather two which take place after it there's a reason why he did it this way because the past comments on the on the future okay okay so but let's [ __ ] that up and do it with yours because yeah because it's not the godfather it's just your life yeah so i'm watching the reality show which is before hawaii yes and welcome nikki glazer it's on e first season available now beautiful peacock if you want to go watch it no you should do that yeah right i'm so bad at doing that i'm really not you're bad at watching movies i'm so bad at self-promo but i i just feel like if i were oh i'm the worst at it well i enjoyed the [ __ ] out of it so wow that's a good endorsement you were watching it and liking it well especially after i had come to know you so well when you go away with someone for a week and their boyfriend yes apparently we have good news um you know of course i was curious and then of course you you're adorable so i just loved it i felt like i know your parents now you told me a lot about yesterday they loved them right oh my god right well i grew up in a house of mar yeah i'm gonna go to saint louis i think next year or sometime soon and they will definitely come they will okay um i love them they've seen you so many times i love the episode where you played your hometown yes the one where you went to chicago and [ __ ] chris after yes finally gave in to that after abstaining for a while it was interesting so okay so here's the thing at the beginning of this you go back to st louis this is chris who i adore him i do i do he adores you too yeah i love you i love your affection for him so well how can you not he's like i can see why he is the guy you know he checks all the boxes kind of guy he really does yes he's great looking he's super nice and smart he's funny yeah oh my god i mean i could see why it would be crushing if you couldn't make it work with him because there's probably not a second place contender no there's not we know it's not [Laughter] yeah that like that could have happened and i followed up 100 but i am not someone who followed like uh no but the end of the story was that he he sort of insulted you but then asked if you yeah yeah we i got a dm later on that was like i'd be down of your doubt essentially i love that he said the people have spoken which everyone was talking like blake you need to come on nikki threw herself at you come on you got to do this and he just wrote the people have spoken in my dm's which is pretty hot dm this pretty good one wow that's very charitable of you because it also could be taken as very arrogant of like i guess because people want me to exactly like oh god why do i take that like that's what i do i spin these guys these f boys that they seem to be like you're belittling themselves to even throw me a bone and i'm like thank you and it's it's sad that i had to find that point that out to you it isn't that sad it really is i know it is something you need me as your shrink you need to come here more that's why i'm here i feel healed up okay i got you back together with your boyfriend you really did i'm straightening out on blake griffin i am the indispensable person in your life i'm not even kidding you bill one time i liked this guy so much and he could not compliment me never he was someone i would hook up with so i knew he found me sexually attractive but he could never say it he would never say like god you look good or um are you just nothing sexual when we talk on the phone it was long distance and when we did hook up and one time i was so desperate for it i used to facetime with him and when i would open up the freezer and stick my white t-shirt with no bra on in the freezer before i answered the phone from him if i knew he was going to facetime so my i would be like nipping out through the shirt so it would be so egregious he'd have to say something like you can't miss it so cool so i'm just desperate for this guy to say anything and he would never say anything and then one time i was just so sad i got off the phone with him and because i had to go i was going for a run it was getting dark outside and he goes yeah you should go and i was like really and he's like yeah i mean you're pretty rapeable and i oh blushed i was like that's how starved i was and i knew immediately how sad that was that i was like oh my god he acknowledged someone wants to rape me but i really that's how starved i was from affection from this [ __ ] idiot well ugh i see i find that one less offensive than the blake griffin yes because you're right there's a there's oh because you knew this guy first of all you know he's not a rapist right he wasn't right but he was just saying other men might want to rape you and i was like it's a compliment that yes if you are one of the woke who's always looking to be funny looking to be offended yes you can always find offense in anything but if you know someone's in intent if you know what if there were no other actual rapists around oh no i would actually take and he's right no i'm saying but some people would be oh of course and i'm saying i find the blake griffin one more offensive because it's it's actually demeaning in a it's the kind of thing not to knock him i like him but like you say when you're 30. you're just stupid well i was like for some reason i said stupid things like that too thinking i was being funny and it was like looking back it's like oh yeah you know what i read it as though okay yeah maybe i'm not going to get him to admit like i want to [ __ ] you maybe i won't get that out of a dm but him saying to me the people have spoken whatever the [ __ ] he said it he still wants to and that's really all i need i know exactly that's really all i needed i don't want to [ __ ] him i just want to know that i could like it was like check okay got it right and then you know never following through which is i'm glad you brought that up that is a a key thing with women i've noticed that with ears i know they're perfect ethereal beings yeah no argument there of course but boy do they like doing that like even if they don't want to [ __ ] you they want to know that you would because being [ __ ] is being is yes is valuable i know but yeah and it just it means we're still alive it means we still have uh some power over you guys you know we still have the ray is working i always call it the ray like this like like you know hot chicks they just have it's like they have this thing they can shine in the guys if they just shine it for five seconds in their eyes they can get to do anything yes and at some point when you feel like that ray is flicking flickering oh it is that's that's why i want to have the ray that's why i'm funny is because i know the ray will flick like the ray is flickering i knew it would flicker even when it was shining the brightest right now oh thank you i mean i had full hair and makeup and i'm feeling good but you just like look you look glowy oh thank you you're not with trump i'm probably like ovulating to be honest with you there is a couple days a month where you are like walking down the street and you just get you just can tell that you're more you just look sexual to people and you're not even doing anything different but it's because we're i'm probably a cycle i know we should know this from eighth grade gym class when we had the health section oh no you shouldn't but like ovulating this is when your body that's when you can conceive a baby making eggs no that's when that's when it's ovulation that's time to that's when if you come in me you're going to get a baby so that's when we're peak attractive i've seen many sitcoms where the couple was trying to have a baby and yes and the man i'm ovulating it's like taking her or she or he one of them is taking their temperature because i guess it elevates when yes maybe yeah so you're literally hotter and i was like [ __ ] me now because my temper it's so hot that's exactly what a boy's thinking it's like really i use an anal thermometer so it is kind of hot of course you do of course i do we talked about this thing all right here's how our trip started sweetheart i knew more about you and anal before i got to reach trying to get people in by the time we landed in honolulu i'm not trying to titillate i like i don't know it was very real like i just like i just like talking about sex and i like hearing what people do and i like it's just it's it's it's endlessly fascinating to me i don't think i'll ever bore up it is the most endlessly fascinating subject yeah i'm glad you agree oh absolutely and that's why your special's great because you can talk about it for most of the whole time yeah and it doesn't wear it's not like oh oh this subject more on this no because there's always ever more to say about it yeah my i think my favorite line was um because the way you got to it uh what is my [ __ ] in the wound tang wu-tang oh yes yes like i um i'm talking about toilet paper yeah i get it but uh it's an hp it goes on hbo july 16. okay saturday july 16th 12th oh my i know congratulations that was probably about yours i got to see it right before you taped it though you were like yeah getting ready that's right in hawaii yes it was so [ __ ] tight it was so good i mean that was it was so great to watch you there and and just go up all high and just like i can't believe you do stand up high and that's the only time you get high like you are so fascinating to me not exactly well not the only guy well you didn't have the podcast yet when you told me that but that was so fascinating to me i definitely don't do it for real time because that's serious because why not it's my re because it's my real job you know i try to tell it i'm so happy people are liking this podcast but i try to tell them you know um if someone like likes the podcast and i did it because there are people who really i don't know how to say this but they're just not into what's really going on the more serious things in the world to i don't know why it's such a [ __ ] funny show and i'm explaining to you in ways anybody could understand i'm doing all the work for you and it's still too much for a lot of people still yeah you're so right so right like when they talk about the podcast no one's making it more palatable than you yeah and yes okay but i get it you know if if i start talking about mitch mcconnell there's many people there i don't know who the [ __ ] that is i may have heard the name and it's like okay i can't go all the way back to explaining who that is right so yeah you're gonna lose a lot of people so but when the people say to me you know like they like this of course i love it but it's not like a like this show is so much fun and i love that we can do this but the other i never had a family or kids real time is my kids you know it's like if you don't watch that show you don't want to meet my kids which is fine because i've known a lot of people well i didn't want to meet you yeah right yeah it's fine that you don't want to meet my kids but that's something i'm most proud of and we can only get so close if you don't want to meet my kids yes yes we can get close but not completely close if you don't have if you don't as a friend of yours or as a fan have an interest in that part of what you do the thing you do that you've done the longest and that you've perfected and that you put the most work into the thing that you're not high and it's much more meaningful and yeah you know i'm hopefully we're on a good day we're putting a lot of ideas in the water that do get picked up even know they will not mention the show that dare not speak its name but um yeah i mean it's just a whole different level and the you know the it's like senators and governors and you know i mean it's just a whole your godfather it's my kids yes it's your kid but you know this is like my weekend in vegas i know that's why i do all this stuff that's why i do reality shows that's why i do podcast because it's easy it's fun but you know you have it's hard because it you know takes time but it's when compared to real time then what goes into that kind of show oh my god my life is so you have that ability of like a lot of really great comics who can like um take subject matter that everyone can understand but also never insult the intelligence of the most intelligent people watching oh that's nice it's so true i mean and that's so on display in that special oh thank you that means so much i can't stand being talked down to when i go see anything i'll walk out of movies i'll stand up i think can be so pandering and so i'll watch my really smart friends just do the lowest brow stuff that i know just i just see it all the time like people appealing to the easiest thing and i do it sometimes too it's even in that special there's a couple lazy moments where i go well you could have [ __ ] tightened that up that was a little that was a lazy transition that had no substance and like you could have had a joke there nikki but well nicki you know what they say no work of art is ever finished it's just a bad i'm so yes i really gotta be more okay about that that's good it's it haunts me okay but you do talk in it a lot about [ __ ] your parents now i know right when you were doing that did you say to yourself boy this is an area that's been picked over by a lot of thomas maybe i should stay away from this or did you say that's the one yeah [ __ ] your parents i mean i i don't know it just like i was gonna like skip that part of the special even though i opened with it and i for a while the version that i was messing with had that totally removed forever and then i was like that is so weird and i haven't heard anyone even get close to anything no [ __ ] up it kind of really just no if you make it past that you can get through anything and it's right at the top of the special and kind of shows you yeah what i'm about and it and it proves my point which is i'm not doing things to be shocking which i think so many people dismiss female comics or any comics that talk about sex or cuss or whatever as taking the easy road out but it's like this is just the stuff that makes me laugh and makes me think and it's just what i want to do well i must tell you that the more things change the same no i've always thought that quote was too long anyway we all know what you mean the more things just like doing like we do on twitter when they put the things together the more things change the same we are supported by wine enthusiasts you know the old saying wine women and song well it morphed over the years into an even better saying sex drugs and rock and roll but we live in a crazy time when you can't even trust your drugs anymore but you can always trust wine unless you don't have it properly stored so now it's the time to get those bottles out of boxes or off your countertops and protect them with a wine fridge from wine enthusiasts wine enthusiasts designs and offers the largest selection of wine coolers for every drinker every budget and every size collection from six to six hundred bottles plus expert wine storage consultants are available by phone to help you find the right fit for all your needs wine enthusiasts is the premier destination for the wine lifestyle offering an incredible selection of unique wine accessories glassware furniture wine storage gifts and more i love wine enthusiasts and i'm not just saying that because they sent some amazing custom club random glassware for me and my guest to use visit wine enthusiasts.com or text the code random to 511 511 to check out all of wine enthusiasts summer savings text random to 511 511 text random to 511 511 today certain exclusions may apply you may receive up to one additional text text fees may apply text stop to opt out we are supported by signal wire if you're a developer or product builder trying to add video communication to your app or service there is no good option you either build from scratch which can take forever or try to repurpose an existing app like zoom or as i like to call it hey you froze but what if you could have out of the box video conference ability with unlimited control to customize the experience to fit your application i really hope the nerds are listening because this is good [ __ ] signal wire is a technology arsenal that allows anyone with an idea to create more natural real-time interactive experiences and do it fast with signalwire you can build whatever you can imagine with cutting-edge real-time video and signalwire provides developer-friendly apis and sdks to help you get up and running with a few clicks and a snippet of code instead of months of complex development work visit signalwire.com random to sign up for a free account and receive an additional 5000 video minutes for testing your app or integration go to signalwire.com random get communications apis from the ogs of software define telecom at signalwire go to signalwire.com random i can't get over like the constant like nagging regret of i could have done better i could have worked harder and i listened to sam harrison i know there's no free will that's all the only thing that helps me is sam harris convincing me that it was never gonna go any other way this was always the way and just accept it and do better next time like it was never going to be different even if you rewound whatever state of mind you were in you couldn't you couldn't work harder in that way or you wouldn't oh i see what you're saying well i certainly um seed my love for sam harris to no man or a woman yeah he's the best he is but i i he really is so i think what we're saying is like i'm always beating myself up for like why this thing you learned last week you didn't know 10 years ago yourself yes oh interesting because you're so forgiving of other people who just learned something i love what is your theory on that i remember you saying there was a time where i learned gazpacho that's it i love that that's the gazpacho theory yes yeah i call it that because you know you were not born knowing gazpacho super served cold i once complained about cold gazpacho soup it's like everything you learn in life is a version of that you just learned it on that day you know so if somebody doesn't know something don't yell at them for that people okay this is the day you learned it now you might child the middle and say it's a little late you're 26. you should have known the three branches of government by now right but you know what you live in a dumb country and the educational that's why i haven't seen the godfather like it's a thing it's the three branches of government i know i should know it i know i should see i feel like i'm dodging conversations about it constantly so people don't know that i don't know about it but i know enough references that i can get by and kind of um but yeah i i so that's where you beat yourself up as things where you go oh i didn't know that and you kind of catch yourself being like oh [ __ ] i should not just know that yes i mean but also just behavior and just ways to live you know big things they're like oh i could have been living like this ten years ago i'll give you an example this is more mundane it's not as deep and psychological as most of them but like two meals a day i started eating two meals instead of three about i don't know three four years ago and i could have been doing that my whole life it's the three meals a day is just something somebody pulled right out of their ass they just made it up there's nothing in our history or medically why you need three i mean one would probably be stretching it a little right four is probably what most people eat now because it's a [ __ ] fat country uh-huh but uh it's a it's a country of addicts and food is the cheapest and most uh uh un regulated drug it is a drug but unlike all other drugs in drug war times where they were societal uh protests against using them this they lawed you yeah i mean it's it's so reversed that it's body positivity but right don't get me on this because i mean i can i can't well it's funny that you should say that you are like wow i could have been doing two meals a day i just started eating three meals a day and it changed my life and that's so funny because i stood as little meals as i could just to always stay thin always feel like i was uh a good woman is a restricting woman a woman that's not indulging so then i i suffered because i was always hungry or i was always like oh my god i just ate too much because i would overeat because i starved so i wasn't it didn't fit my lifestyle to skip meals but i just didn't know any other way that's what i'm going to do the more normal you're saying and now i just feed myself and i'm not focused on food but you ate in hawaii right but that's i i started eating three meals a day in uh march or like in may of 2020. i like had a meltdown so let's get back to this to my boyfriend we go you go back home to saint louis what month was that 20 march of 2020 march of 2021 okay so at the beginning 20 2020 yeah okay so right right when the pandemic lived with my parents for 10 months right and they did your show from my dad yes i remember by zoom so cool okay so but the big story line and it's the reality i mean you weren't making it up it's you've known chris for eight years yeah i mean on and off is a good way to describe it it was on and off yes okay he's in saint louis you came out here no he was here he was just we met in new york on my show i had an mtv show when i was at my first tv show and he was a supervising producer i fell in love with him from afar i had a crush on him the whole time didn't know how to even flirt i was so awkward with boys i like i had no experience really at all except like blackout drunk sex and i just gotten sober a year before i got this show wow and so he was the first guy i liked when i was sober and i was like how am i even gonna have sex with i would even kiss someone sober like it was just foreign to me finally um someone coached me on how to flirt and so he kind of knew that i liked him and then we got together 27. like real stunned you knew how to flirt no bill i'm not kidding you he thought he was he was going to quit the show because he thought i hated him when i was desperately in love with him because i liked him so much i didn't know i didn't want to let him know so i wouldn't look at him i would ignore him i'd be kind of mean to him i just i couldn't handle he literally like a child like a child like a child i was so stunned in school like a fourth grader would do that i i don't like you and my i was crying in my brother's office and she was like because i was like he's flirting with the girl like the wardrobe girl and i love him so much she was like he doesn't even know you like him at all nikki we see you around him and she goes but i can take an order so she goes go to his desk right now you're going to talk about the upcoming logan lerman interview that he's producing you're going to sit at his desk until he knows you like him you're going to touch his leg at one point for two seconds you're going to leave that touch on you're going to make eye contact longer than four seconds and you have to count it out like she taught me and i just did it and then after that he knew i liked him and it really worked who was this person this was kim gamble she was my showrunner who was friends with him who was like just laughing at me crying because and that makes she goes he would so like you nikki has no idea wow i didn't know that so i guess i never knew that part of it yeah and so finally like i went over to his hou like i invited myself over to his house he was very hesitant because i'm the host of the show he's a producer on it he's like i'm not gonna make a move unless i know for sure and i am sending him right half signals and so i would go over to his house i invite myself over to like make chili at his place and i just am nervous on the couch next to him he gets up to the bathroom i scoot closer to where he was he comes back he like scoots further away and i'm like he doesn't like me so then i just gotta get cold and then i go home and i'm like i'm over it i'm not like and this has been months of me like loving him and i go i leave and i'm just like it's not happening i call my friends i'm like he didn't get it and i'm done and i go to work the next day and i'm just like mad at him and you know i'm not gonna fire there's no like this isn't me like me tooing him and i mean i'm guessing in some gray area there is maybe i was mad at this person because they didn't like me he wasn't gonna lose his job because of it or anything i i had no idea that i wielded any power in this moment of my life but um i uh i remember the next night i gave him one last chance he lived in uh brooklyn and i was in manhattan at the time and i was going to the comedy cellar and to do it late nights at like 11 o'clock and it was on a work night we had work the next day and um and i was just like hey are you in the city texted him and he was like no why and i was like oh i'm going to the cellar i thought if you were like out you could just stop by and he was like i'll be there and i was like oh my god and then he stayed the whole night and we and artie lang really like gave me wingmanned me by being like hey nikki and he's a huge already laying thing he was like that's you're friends with him and i was like and then um and then we walked out to sixth avenue and then finally and then i i was adamant on not making the first move because i am such a control freak i always make the first move with guys it never had worked for me so i was like i will not he is going to kiss me first which i never once let a guy kiss me because it just gets so awkward that i just want to control it and so i just waited kept my mouth shut and he did the hottest thing he just goes get over here and he just grabbed my arm and just like kind of tugged me and i was just like and we made out and then i was just like so in love on 6th avenue yeah on 6th avenue and then i jumped into a cab and um like fleed into the night and i was just like i got it and i was then i was terrified to do anything else with him but shortly after that we became boyfriend and girlfriend and we broke up a bunch now in this episode of this we move eight months eight years later eight years later we created a show together on comedy central it was canceled we moved in together we got cancelled shortly go to the part where you where you're going we're whatever you go back to st louis you've been on and off with him now for eight he is from saint louis and he moved back home with his mom in st louis we didn't meet and say louis it was just random that we so what i saw on the reality show is you're constantly saying i'm not going to [ __ ] this guy again until i mean obviously you already have yeah way back until yeah we're either going to really be together right or or i got to move on it's been eight years yes and your parents are saying this seriously right yes it's not embarrassing but it's like it's either fish or cut bait would be this pretty much pistol get off the pot that's what i always say and he's just it it it leaves off at a uncertain point yeah we because the show wrapped up and they oh my god the producers wanted us to have like this moment of a proposal or like we're officially together and we just we weren't there yet we weren't there and i was like i'm not gonna need it we did we really needed to get away where we could connect and like really talk about things it hasn't been completely smooth sailing but we are in such a good place right now and imagine if you had actually dumped me out of that gig and did your dumb one in st louis and never i know bill i'm so serious i tried to that's the i don't believe in the universe but if i did i would say that's telling you oh no like right well that was the best exchange ever with you as i tried to get out of the gig with you in hawaii and because i got it offered a gig in st louis that was just more convenient it was a lot of money it wasn't about the money it was just like it was right down the street and i'm like oh god like i'm yeah hawaii hawaii or saint louis i mean i know there's nothing not that i don't love saint louis you're intimidating it's all your friends i'm like i get social anxiety i'm like if i can it's more of that than like what a great yeah if i would have known what it would be right there's no question i know i would turn down anything i know um and i'm so glad i did but you came back and i just loved your response of being like oh it's kind of shitty and i don't know that i'd really want to be friends with you if you well if you got weasel like i can't say that i'm like a big fan of this of this and i was like that's all i [ __ ] needed i love this guy what an honest response and i was like i'm going i mean you know you had committed to it and it was like i got something better i'm like and you just wrote and said you know i hope we we can still be friends and i'm like well i'm not your enemy but is this really the something that makes me want to start a friendship with someone no it's not it's kind of a weasel move but look i'm not your enemy and i will never do anything against you but nobody says that and then everyone goes it's fine but i like that and i don't want someone to even be on the fence about that i don't know what would have been for the rest of our lives it would have just i've seen you for the rest of my life i would have nodded across the room yeah exactly i've been like oh no or maybe in 10 years okay if we if we were enough someplace where we wound up talking we would have found we did like each other but it was the easiest decision i ever made hey you know what i always say everything happens for a reason everything reasons happen i always mock things people say that but in this case it it really worked out great because it really did because i mean it was of all the i think we've been on this 11 years now that the hawaii trip yeah due in uh new year's december 30th oh jeff ross is doing it this year jeff ross and wendy liebman it's gonna be great yeah wendy so december 30th in january maui we always do and then december that is a fantastic show honolulu oh you did it last year it was so fun you have such a great group yeah it was such a great group great places to just every part of it was fun it was the plane the plane the plane which you're so scared to get on a private jet with bill and a bunch of his friends when you don't know any of these people and you brought your boyfriend who's not really your boyfriend you're worried that he's is he gonna have a good time and and then instantly as soon as that we got to the um before we even boarded the plane you wouldn't even show it up yet and i was like friends with everyone i mean jim and eddie and corey and uh annabelle my chris you're chris yes your chris christopher kid read yes everyone was so nice and his girlfriend everyone kept saying your question in my christmas that's like which oh my chris yes of course it's so fun the rapper is that guy was your chris so so you had a great time with him and then when then went so and then i think it was like a couple weeks after that i was like so where are you guys now we're we're boyfriend and girlfriend living together no not yet i think that's the next move but in saint louis yeah in st louis are you going to stay there with him i don't know if i'm going to stay there but we're going to stay together and find a way to make whatever work he might take some tv gigs here he's on the radio there in st louis and so we're but we really are just talking about the future in terms of what our life will look like together because i don't like work i like him on the road with me and i should tell him to text me he always says he loves me so much but he knows oh my god really he would love yes i remember i sent him that something about my novel remember here yeah true story any guy i mean he never got back to me i think he's just oh he's really bad at that but and he's intimidated by you but like yeah i know it will get back to him and he would love that well i'm thrilled and of course you guys were going to be out here one way or another a lot yes come on you're both in show business yes you have st louis great town you know are you gonna get an abortion there anymore so i gotta get out yes right right missouri yeah wow i mean st louis is a hip place but they're uh they're a boy that that's that is a isn't josh hawley yes oh come on like i mean there are some i hate to use the word redneck but boy there's some [ __ ] rednecks it's st louis you forget that it's that it could be like that in missouri you forget you forget that you're a part of this the state that right is the first to do everything with your parents in their lovely home they could be living in des moines yes [Laughter] it's very close to chicago it's nice now i know that i can live anywhere like i might go to i was just in denver and i was like i really like it out here i might just move here you must be thinking about decender at this point what kinder children really oh no no no no i don't think of them what about chris i mean he no he's good with not having a meeting never no we might like to foster at some point or do something like um dad in a commercial i would say yes the best with kids i've ever seen he just looks like you're the dad you're good at playing with them so if i do kids he's the perfect person to have because i don't really like to play with kids and i i want teenagers i can't i would love i would be a great mother to like a teenager when you have them i know i know that people are listening going yeah i'm sure you would love my daughter [ __ ] cutting herself and telling me she's going to kill me someday people always say um you know i always said it to me anyway like when i would say i don't like kids but if when you have your own you're gonna love and i always say no i will be the first guy to look in the basket and go nope still nothing i know oh my god my friend rachel who might be the second has the greatest bit about that she's a new mom and she's like she keeps she can't bel she was so scared of being a mom who just didn't care for her kid like would just not feel anything that when she talks to people now she's like and i just love her so much like when i look at her i like i really do love her and people she says that people are like yeah duh but it's notable to her because she was so scared she would be that way and which i would be too i i love my niece and nephew but this whole idea that i have to be a good aunt or whenever i feel like i'm failing as an aunt i remind myself like i didn't choose this i didn't ask for this let me just mom is about that you know let me ask you nothing cynical question i'm certainly not the first one to think of this but i've heard it before like people who say that you know i look at the kid and i love him so much do you think a lot of that is sort of egotistical yeah yeah you do i used to always my dad but it's like it's you it's your mini me it's is it really yeah sometimes i excuse my dad's love by saying i just look like you a lot i look like you i remind you of you you like yourself and that's fine i feel it i i feel my father's love it's a reason why i can do so many things in this world because my dad loves me unconditionally but i really am a lot like him and i think he likes it a lot about himself i'm always just a little suspicious of like not that it's not one why wouldn't you adopt but you know if you love kids so much and you care about children so much why wouldn't you give because of the i once had a guy say you know it's just like you risk like you know the kid could have just a family tree of mental illness that you don't know about it's just a risk i respect that you would adopt nikki but i want my own kids and that's why we can't be together he was using it as an excuse because he just like got tired of [ __ ] me or whatever you know he met someone else but he was like it's cause you don't want kids and i was like i would adopt and he goes oh oh god yeah it's so good that you would do that but you still can't be together and i'm like but your family tree is that should be deforest like you you have more mental illness and alcoholism and you know just so you need to that should be more of a worry for you but it's narcissism i mean it's you gotta admit it's fun to see yourself as a little thing and that's part of it right and i think it's also a little more it's okay right okay part of it and it's also a little uh people what scares people the most of course mortality and it's a little i'm not really dying yeah because this is me yeah but it's still me it's right and it's sort of i'm not i am dying but not re and you know but again let's not set ourselves up here as child haters and no we're not you know we're not saying being a parent is a you're supposed to but i don't hate them selfish narcissist yeah but there is a little bit of that element yes you know okay i agree with you but it was not just me and i don't think there's anything wrong with that i think that parents would go it's not that's not why i do it of course it is right or you would adopt right i'm sorry and i know that adoption but that's expensive what do you think a kid is right if you can't afford to adopt right and to put up with all the red tape to get one and i maybe it's a process that i don't understand and someone's gonna lecture me in my dms but i think that the reason people don't adopt when they have kids is because you want to see you may either want to carry a child which is you know a noble thing and some women just yearn to have that experience yes or you want to see what you look like as a little you right you want to and i get that like when you're [ __ ] someone and mold you yes you know and have you know i mean like like i'm sure you know this nikki in the godfather the god don corleone is just very disappointed that michael corleone doesn't want to be in the family yes but i don't have to tell you that no you know what i found out though that kind of disappointed me because i'm a narcissist as well and i would like to mold something i thought that you could mold a kid you adopt more so than i thought a study uh came out that said that um a parent's iq will never affect um the child's iq of through adoption it's it's genetic it is not uh nurture it is all nature iq iq yes that was a bummer of course i didn't know that i've heard that i thought i could get make someone a little bit more intelligent or but you can't you're stuck with what you got basically now of course like everything in science and medicine they could come out tomorrow and say no we did another study and we found out that that's not true eq maybe you can [ __ ] with emotional intelligence i think right that's the thing that i could have a hand in i can't i mean you're probably born with a certain size brain or maybe like maybe they're all the same size i don't know why some are better than others i don't either i do know that the reason why humans say i'm cadellas what sam harris could tell yes sam could totally tell yeah but he ate without a single um or like god damn it that guy never talks with a pause he ain't here and he ain't a comedian yeah so we got a few things okay okay good did you know hbo max had podcasts i'm on mike podcast talking about the podcast on my network this must be what the metaverse feels like now go even deeper inside your favorite shows with audio companions to some of the most groundbreaking and award-winning shows on television the hbo max movie club is back for season two host matt rogers from the los culturistas podcast will once again be joined by filmmakers and celebrity friends as they dig deep into the apo max movie library the podcast covers the freshest new releases and the most beloved films from the hbo max archive you can listen to hbo max movie club wherever you get your podcasts i do know that humans became the dominant species on the planet because for some reason in evolution our brains took a giant leap forward whereas the apes did not apes are physically bigger but their brains didn't our like for some reason our calories started to go into our brain right you know like it all goes to my hips yeah it goes to my yeah what was it was it tools i don't well tools was a result of them having right right maybe the tools opened up a world you know the brain opened up the tools well the chicken or the egg it's not a chicken or the ice cream and the and this tool where they use a piece of grass to root out some ants in a hole and they're using the tool to lick the ants off the piece of grass all of a sudden the use of that tool which yes their brain contributed to find the tool that makes them realize other tools which then expands their iq it could be both so you're saying that a gorilla could open a home depot eventually that's what we did too i don't know how closely related we are is that a fact that that gorillas use a stick to get ants and lick them i don't know what um but that is a tool that is used by primates they put a little piece of grass in a hole and then they lick it off it's true i love the word primates yeah i do so speaking of your prime mate yo that wall that was i just want to get back to what that's good before we run out of can i have like a one hit of that you could have oh one i don't want to light a whole one because i don't remember not making sense and i will not remember my train of thought [ __ ] you don't you have such trouble with short-term memory with these things like i'll be in the middle of um what was the question exactly um you know what that's all i want i used to hang around at the end of his life dr timothy larry in fact you see that chair that's hanging in the on the wall over there yes that's a timothy leary and i say that because he burned a hole in it at a party of mine yeah in 1992. oh my god with a cigarette wow and because that a hole in the chair was ruined he signed it amazing and that's art and now it's art and it's timothy larry have you done he used to say to me he said you know people would ask him you know have has it affected your memory said yeah that's why i carry a pencil and that his point was it's so much better to have the creativity and the thoughts if any idiot can write stuff i struggle with it i struggle with the guilt i have about smoking weed and how it does affect my short-term memory i'll be on stage hi and i'll say i'll be in the oh yeah because i go through like when i was in hawaii i was on an abstinence train i took nine months off of smoking weed it was supposed to be for life but you know [ __ ] happens and oh it's good it's a lesser of a few different evils that i can turn to so i turn to it at times but then it always ends up i end up wanting to get high before i go on stage because it's like right before yeah because then it's like my mind's thinking differently i'm like kind of excited it's scary again like i get nervous in my last special i told this the story about the two times oh yes yes and the punchline of the one it's it is a punchline it's a great punchline but it's an absolute truth i was on stage and i said the word obama and then thought to myself is that his name dude i when you that is a real it's a real one of those real stories it turns into a great joke because it's just i can't so thank god for that moment but i mean it was terrifying it was so tough terrifying but sometimes i feel alive when i'm in the middle of a joke i'm terrified i have to turn to the audience and say what was i just talking about and it's so embarrassing by being on this show it's different places i do it all the time yeah but that's why i love club random yes but when i'm doing real time or when i'm doing stand-up i know i want to be jackety-split mr perfect i don't right you know are you you said you smoke weed when you perform yes i do but not right before oh when like then i get tired if it's like two hours no it's well you know it's the right balance um you know you see i use that music stand with the mic oh yes so like i know i like to know i like to really cover a lot of stuff i mean your special was very tight but of course when you do a special you probably had a teleprompter yes right so you i like see i like that kind of comedy i what i least favorite two words in comedy are what else thank you exactly i can't stand it what else and what else looking at the ground what do you mean and what else i loved that you knew where oh what else and and what else that's why i have that music scene i always know what else because you paid to see me it is such i'm going to cram in the best i can you're either forcing it like you're acting like you're trying to pretend to be casual which is so like cool or you really aren't prepared exactly that's how i take it and i listen i have a lot of what else fires off in my brain constantly during my set but i grab i i i know that there's something in my cloud of words or bits hovering over my head that i can grab from randomly i have so many jokes at this point that whatever and you know what my new outfit what else is if there are any comics listening that you panic about worrying what what joke is next and losing your place and then you blank and the audience loses uh respect for you just say what i always just go what's true and then it immediately gets you out i'm high and i forgot what i'm going to say next these pants are too tight and they're distracting me this guy this hat your your hat is ugly like whatever is true and it's instant release like the audience well it will never fail if you say the most true thing to bail you out and i always forget because when you're doing stand up you're trying so hard to convince them that you've got it and when you start panicking that you don't got it you're only you look more panicked and now i just have to realize i have to let go and just observe what's around me and just say it right and it will always get me out and get me to a place of calm okay they like me again now i can kind of think and say what i want to say next that is the natural like thing i want to say instead of like grasping um so that's an instant out of just say what's true and i try to remember that during podcast i mean even like i depressed stuff like gets me nervous like just this this thank god i mean i hate to say it i was not nervous to come to this because we don't have microphones it doesn't feel overly highly produced that i'm going to be reminded i'm on tv constantly and also like i mean i would have pre-hawaii i would have been like just sick all day with nerves to talk to you i mean even doing your tv show but then the second i talk to you gone because i didn't have i didn't have any interaction with you except on email before i did your show in person even backstage first time i talked to you in person your face move and like you're a scary character apparently but you aren't but the second i talk to you i get exactly what your vibe is and i'm comfortable um but but i was ner i was nervous up to that point but today i was just like oh yeah i got to go hang out with oh i was looking forward to it all week me too of course yeah okay so the other thing about your special i have to say it's so and this is what i was starting to say a million years ago when i said um you know uh when was that sentence that i contracted uh the more things stay the same yes the more things are the same like i know there's been a lot of changes with the fluidity and so forth yeah and uh i'm sure we're all right thinking people who want everyone who to be whatever they want we're all for that your tone i don't appreciate no i don't believe you but basically most people born with a vagina are what we used to call women okay and they have the same like uh god don't get me on trans rights this isn't where i was just saying this is all i'm saying is most the the let's call them women classic they have the same dna or whatever is in their pit of their gut and the reason i'm saying this is deep in those guts it's because what do women have yeah your thing about you know not [ __ ] a guy right yeah you know this i could have i could find a not having sex until a guy loves you right yeah i could have my right but a rule that i could find enunciated in the 50s right right it's a throwback was ever thus and i have a feeling it will be thus for many many years to come it is just thus it is just part of women to want that to want what a guy to love you before he sticks his dick in you yes but why is it not uh intuitive for us at this point as women why do we give it up constantly in our society in our modern society we give it up constantly before we get it almost every time we'll get to that okay but first there i'm just going to continue on this for a second because there was a book in the 90s called the rules oh i know the rules and i think any of them yes well the book getting to i do is very sim the book i talk about my special getting do i do where i get all these ideas dissimilar oh it's very similar it's along the same lines it's these pathetic books that women pick up that are like here's how you do it ladies it's written by two single women or like two divorcees who would if we could but i don't want to you know like millionaire matchmaker that [ __ ] knows what she's talking about but you know people you can't always people that know what they're talking about don't always practice what they preach obviously like some of my best therapists have been [ __ ] bat [ __ ] oh they're all bad [ __ ] the the but the woman who wrote the book i talk about in my special pet dr pat allen she follows her own book and has a very great relationship and um is just a very smart woman woman who it just made a lot of sense to me and my mom always used to say don't give up your sex nick don't do it don't give up your sex and it was just always so gross to me like what did that even mean and i just it was the lamest advice she was like don't do it and my mom was such a prude and that's how she got my dad she would not sleep with him well they what was that they said about the don't give up the cow yeah until you get them the you go don't buy the milk if you get the cow for free what no we're nailing them all yes don't worry why why don't buy the cow if you get the milk for free right right incentivize it like i always tell girls that like if you think because i used to be this girl that was one of the boyfriends changed through the eons but no one is abiding by it i gotta find a different way to get rid of these women but i think they are and i may have told this story before so if i have i'm gonna tell it again yeah okay just put it on the two times but it's not really a story but i when that book the rules was out yeah i remember it was on my table at home and this girl joke picked it up and went oh the rules and she started to look at the cupboard and she turned it over and saw the two girls and went oh i can see why they need a strategy oh my god exactly yeah i need a strategy you don't need a strategy yes i do well you certainly could get a lot of guys not the ones i want not the ones i want one not the one i wanted like i couldn't have i got him but when i first got him i have to say that i was not good for him and he was not good for me we are two totally different people than the people we were when we dated back then like i we those two people should never be together they were bad for each other but we have both changed and decided that we don't want to be those and you're so far beyond are we going to have sex or not oh yeah but you know what i wanted it to be special with him because we had not had sex since june of 2019 which was the longest we had gone because we would always either get back together and start having sex or have sex just casually and i really did not want something with him and i would always end up falling back in love with him every single time and he would always remind me like i don't want to be married like i don't want to be with anyone and like he felt you know there were there was anger in both of us that we hadn't talked about and we weren't going to dress but we were sleeping together because we have amazing amazing time in the bedroom you like it in the naughty place yeah he he will he does he's a very accommodating lover and i love him for it and it's always what a hero [ __ ] you in the ass yeah look once again you're giving them no i'm really lazy about that now man more credit than he deserves no no this guy gets credit he [ __ ] works i don't one time i remember when we were living together he was horny and i was just i'm oh i if you're horny for me i will instantly get horny like that makes me horny like it's i'm never not in the mood but for whatever reason i just wasn't in the most so tired and i was just like babe you can do it but like and i'm on my stomach sleeping and i'm like but i'm just gonna like lay here like you but you totally can and he goes is this oh and he goes oh as opposed to what because i literally lay there i just like i'm very submissive in bed and so i just like i mean i like being tied up but if you can't tie me up like i'll just be like get like i'll pretend like i am so i don't have to do anything i really like being serviced and fully like not in control and it's awesome and it's nice that he never makes me feel bad about that i do work at times but like i bring it in other ways but for to not have to ever ride a guy i don't want to [ __ ] be on top literally ever it doesn't feel good to me and i don't like it and i get winded when you say work uh i just heard a laugh i heard a producer laughing like i heard a woman laughing she's like she guessed it that was the neighbor oh wait i'm the neighbor um okay so the other day wait work let's define work being on top that's work oh yeah oh my god it is exhausting it really hurts my thighs it hurts my hips i like feel sore afterwards like i've been riding a horse like it feels like it's disjoining it's exhausting almost immediately like i just want to say like i give it up to guys who do most of the humping and the work so you like it is exhausting like a missionary position is better for you i want to make it easy for them so my favorite position and i'm not trying to be titillating i think it's just a good this is just good information to have off the bed i lay on my back off the bed and they get to stand and just like be like right humping them like right where the mattress hits well that's like the easiest for both of us i feel like the chances of the family research council repeating this show anywhere what was the family research concept like a super christian organ you never heard of the family no no it's like what the judge is like what the yeah exactly this is totally i guess it is i'm sure i know i should know well they're just you know it's like i think the duggars were part of that oh god you know they're like why should they they are into [ __ ] children i was hoping so that's not going to work well but before we go too they're not all not all and the doug herbs may not have been associated with the family research council but i can almost guarantee if they weren't they were big feds okay they're all i mean if we're talking about super duper christian i feel very safe on safe ground saying that they're in that i that particularly i you know i just i cannot stop talking about sex especially with all the roe v wade stuff i'm so glad this special is coming out because it is kind of in your face sexual and i'm just tired of and i dressed i might look kind of hot in it which was like a choice for me because i was like i don't want to be i don't want to be titillating i'm not trying to make anyone's dicks hard when i'm up there i think it was very titillating and i think that's great but it's horniness and being and laughing they're two different feelings and i don't want to engage both but i do like to look cute and have fun why shouldn't you because i'm a comedian bill and i'm going to be funny nikki and also you know you're not always going to be able to wear that exactly strike while the iron is a seven alright an eight i've said to many girls who are asking me if they should get married walk in while rates are low oh my god that's really what you want i know that's what you want here's the thing is i know that i'm gonna age like robin wright pen is my goal to age like her and to stay sexy well like sexy for a certain not for you but for a certain man no offense bill i've already passed bill's cut off stuff and i don't think and i don't i don't care like i like that you're honest about what you like that is to me thank you so refreshing because this because there are people that are not lying about being into older women they are engrained absolutely more than ever criminal if you are not attracted to an older woman no you can't help what you like it's what you're it's what your normal dna is telling you most men are faking it okay i'm just not faking it but yes but let me just say i've noticed this trend a lot men are way more into older women than they didn't than they used to used to be great especially there's more of us out here in l.a that's a big thing yeah maybe it's because the the milfs and the and the uh cookers well the young girls have had it good for too long well they but they're giving back the city this has been the city of young women it's the beginning since the 50s so yeah right i like it and i'm sure but where are you seeing older women thriving uh sexually everywhere this is the la is that kind of city i'm telling you it's it's because it's okay you gotta move back it's it's like a lot of pretty boys you know it's like oh yeah boy is like the older woman that dynamic stepmother well i don't know but that dynamic is reversed here compared to i'm not reversed completely but there's a lot of like pretty 20 year old boys who are with 40 year old women i love it yeah they're kate beck and sailing like they're you know like yeah i love these girls dating younger guys i yeah what is this about you and you had some something with the kardashian i mean even that gun on my radar and like so stupid what is the body thing i mean like i just want transparency what does that mean uh in what work women are having when they are you know the ambassadors of skin care products i want them to be completely transparent about the stuff that they use what to look like well she has a skincare line that i would love to use kimberly i like her she once said which i love so much in a rolling stone article recently i think it was only shown that she would eat poop every day if it meant staying younger that's how important it is to her and that's a funny thing to say like i respected it and i like i watch her show i like her i have a particular thing about [ __ ] so i can't okay so you don't like that one thing that i told you i just wanted oh yeah you and chris share that yes yes i hate any [ __ ] jokes okay so that's why it's so but she's a nice person for kim kardashian to say that she would eat poop i mean that's a disgusting thing for kim kardashian to say it's disgusting for anybody to say so let's stop saying it proves a point but you're right i know that's your thing and i'm sorry i won't talk about it again and that's why you said piss or get off the pot instead of shittering it off the butt you were so cute that you modified everything oh i could say [ __ ] it's like i know it's crazy but it's just gross i should i why do i have to explain this i know i'm sorry okay well your kids with your anal everything do you even know there's like well you know [ __ ] to me that's you know you know why i like [ __ ] jokes because it is something we all do every single day it is a part of our lives that are so shameful and yet we all are doing it and it's like if we just talked about a little bit we wouldn't like stick with we're not that doesn't mean we're gonna start eating it it's just we're just gonna talk it's a thing it's not shameful it's gross there's a difference it's not shameful i'm not ashamed i have to take a [ __ ] i feel like i just don't know what's in shame or intertwine for me then well that's something that really a shrink should talk about then that you just unlocked it for me bill yeah really i mean because they're not the same thing that you're completely associating i mean that's i think basic freudianism or erickson and one of them talked about the anal stage oh yeah yeah something definitely happened in mine right okay and that that affects your personality for the rest of your life i mean i'm anal in the sense of very neat very organized i'm not sure why they connect that to anal or why yeah that's not the that probably the word didn't come from no i think it might be that they no look my mother i'm was a great mother so i'm sorry she kept me very clean but i think it usually comes from if you had a bad experience like sitting in your own [ __ ] or something yes that's why i think people want to play with [ __ ] i'm not into that like i don't know but like anal stuff i do like and there is a and there is something happened then because i remember i remember waiting for my mom to pick me up this is not gross i promise you this is interesting um i was waiting for my mom to pick me up from my friend kirsten's house and like sitting waiting on her front porch and she had like a it looked like a butt plug like as the um on the railing you know like the point of the railing and i just remember like just you know like we're just like kids bouncing around probably like sixth or seventh grade and i remember it kind of went up my ass and i was like oh boy mommy likey and it felt like it instantly felt that feels so good don't ever do that again it was more so than when i would like hump uh like a a bar as you do as a young woman or as you like i was never instantly so it was a thing for me but i think it is for a lot of people young women like horses because yeah we were middle class so didn't that was maybe birthday parties a couple times but it wasn't it wasn't gonna be something i could really get into but isn't that a thing that yeah it's kind of like a vibrator to sit on a horse or something oh yeah yeah i could see a girl's definitely being able to come from riding a horse or gymnastics what animal could you get on that would stimulate your [ __ ] is there a difference a narwhal a camel um something with some protruding thing on its back i mean yeah porcupine oh god stegosaurus might as a vegan uh i couldn't but um i will think about it later all right so things are good yeah things are pretty good yeah very good i feel better now it's so fun to just have like a fun um hang and get work done then it doesn't feel like works all right so um tell your boyfriend i'm so sell your boyfriend i know i mean i usually use that phrase very like sarcastically but this in this case it's very true i love that i can't wait to like have a lifetime of hangs with you i'm so um reclaimed is that the word oh yeah i'll take that i learned it from a sketch so i don't know yeah silver klempt i think that's the word that you uh you know and chris that i was able to have play a small part in moving that along absolutely i can't think of two people who like um you know look better together and he was so solicitous of you i remember him taking the video when you were on stage he was in the wings like genuinely laughing at jokes he must have heard a thousand so many times there were sometimes about him yeah his expense right i remember on that trip such a trooper people saying like wow he really loves her because you know and that was my evidence like wow when you're laughing at the joke you heard a million times that's that's love it's and that is such an important part of our relationship for me is that he really just thinks i hung the moon in terms of like talent and sometimes i i constantly doubt that about myself and i need that's the most value if i have that by my side the rest of my life i'm gonna be like able to do anything someone that's constantly telling you and you trust their opinion when it comes to comedy telling you you're funny and that you can do anything and like knows tv it just gives me so much confidence it's like joan rivers and edgar and that came out oh wait that's a no bad example bad example i mean oh wait that's like oh no another bad example i'm sure this one lucy and gary morton all right has it ever worked no ugh all right time to go all right i love you the best all right well now we can go yes all right [Music] this was so fun i'm gonna can i have the rest of this as i walk in you want to know you want him no no i don't need [Music]

Channel: Club Random Podcast

Views: 346,285

Keywords: club random podcast, club random, podcast, bill maher, bill, maher, club random with bill maher, real time, real time with bill maher, Nikki Glaser, welcome home Nikki Glaser, fboy Island, good clean filth, nikki glaser stand up, nikki glaser roasts, nikki glaser podcast, nikki glaser standup, welcome home nikki glaser?, nikki glaser show, the nikki glaser podcast youtube, the nikki glaser podcast, you up with nikki glaser, nikki glaser comedian, not safe with nikki glaser

Id: A9KS0I33nIQ

Length: 73min 26sec (4406 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 24 2022

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

Bill & Nikki you made me blush a bit with the humor in this episode. I have enjoyed Nikki before on To Tell the Truth. Looking forward to Real Time coming back from hiatus.

[u/Jets237]

Just listened to Nikki on Conan's podcast - she was really fun to listen to - just overall funny and genuine.

I have a feeling Bill's style will be a bit different with her - lets see... Will listen on my commute home

[u/Midwestvibez]

Yoo let's go. Nikki is actually a super talented comedian.

[u/hyperbolic_retort]

I haven't listened yet... but I enjoy her as a comedy central roaster. That's all I know her from though. Seem like the comment section here hates her. What's that about?

[u/[deleted]]

Bring it.

[u/justglassn]

Lol skip af