Howie Mandel | Club Random with Bill Maher

can i just say something i i love you and i'm prefacing this but no i love you i think i i i i think you're bright i think you're funny i don't get a chance to talk to you outside this is fantastic i love you too no i really do i really do in fact so much so that i'll i'll get back to this because i jump all over the place but in the last couple of months and i know you don't i'm not talking i'm not bringing up anything you do on your other show but you have referenced me and you always say many times yes and you reference me by my special right we don't want to raise a bunch of howie mandels correct can i just say something yes i took that like a badge of honor i was so moving so i loved it the first time i yes okay the first time i referenced you was early in the pandemic right and it was much more involved but uh i it was the same premise that but it was so respectful to you because and this see i have proof that i love you because it's on tape and you could see it and i remember it was like you know harry mandel we all know how we we all love howie right i said that but i don't think i know i know and then i said by his own admission and i quoted you right saying i wouldn't wish this whatever the quote was you know because i know it is a burden this is a [ __ ] burden i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy and you're a very smart guy who knows what he's saying that was not a slip of the tongue and i'm glad you've mentioned it many times but every time you mention it i get a barrage oh and i don't know if you get the same thing i get a barrage on social media do you know what the [ __ ] he said about you do you know he's putting you like it's so mis well you can't interpret it right as far as like he's making fun of your mental health i don't i don't do the show or say the things i say for the benefit of slow people who can't follow interesting conversation i just don't that's why we're here at club random we don't have dummies here and i you know i can't uh stop the dummies from coming i wanted to come here to tell you that i love what you do i watch everything that you do thank you and but and i did not expect i've never been you've never invited me over you've never invested it sounds like the beginning of the godfather no but this look at this place you never asked me to come for coffee and now you come here on the day of my daughter's wedding you do it impressions i remember you watching your stand-up you don't do you're doing pressure that is not justice can i just say something your mother's talent i'll take you to hollywood you're going to hollywood i must say pursuant to this theme that we've struck out on this little endeavor of sitting here and doing this podcast has been the number one reason of wonderfulness is because there are so many people not so many but dr drew was here adam carolla mike people who like i like and i'm not young anymore i've known them a long time like i've known you a long time and i never really knew them and in an hour i feel like we took our relationship from nice nice nice to hear oh i know this person you know right and you could talk about it and that's why i wanted you here i wouldn't i wouldn't invite someone here who i didn't feel that way about but i got it this is not a place where you're gonna you know you know i'm not an interview it's not a no it's just hanging and i love this yes see i'm a recluse i am i don't know that people know that about me well that would they would infer that from the disease right but you're not going to be in coachella no i've never gone i have no desire to get it it doesn't even sound like a body surf nothing nothing not going to surf serve no i don't i don't want to touch things the point is that's why i was scared being here i didn't know i thought so don't pass the joint no i'm sober right now i mean the clove no i i was a big smoker oh really yes so i'll tell you that i'm halfway through three stories and i haven't said anything but that's okay and my uh panacea was you're holding it you know i i was smoking a lot that's my brand fantasia yes that but i smoked a lot i i can't do anything in um moderation is that right nothing so i would if i smoke i have to smoke till i'm not conscious and if i can't get enough pot till i'm not conscious i would take a drink and then if there wasn't enough to drink i would eat like seven gummies and if i'm not until i was so uh i was i can do virtually everything in moderation really really just a careful type of person who like doesn't like to induce pain or things that could make me unhappy in my life so i yes but sometimes i'm unhappy and the and i don't want pain or anything so to be numb or unconscious is an easier place to be right can i use your mind i'd if you can you'd be a miracle worker i'm a mess spare a minute to ease your mind go ahead wouldn't it be weird if like i'm i'm going to be 67 this year me too and well next time are you born in 55 56 january i'm born in 55. one month in november so we're two months apart two months apart but wouldn't it be weird could have almost crawled out of the same womb yes thank god we didn't that poor woman for two months yes i don't want to share a [ __ ] with you but the point that i'm making is that for 66 years i have suffered and i'm medicated and i go to therapy and i've talked to psychiatrists wouldn't it be weird if i was totally cured like right now on your podcast by you well now that we've built it up this way i realize it's really not that impressive but it's kind of impressive what were you going to say the queen of england 96 yes it's not the fear of covet oh it's not the fear you know it's the fear well it was you see i have fear of just getting i got coveted by the way and i'm here everyone has covered yeah i just this is my second day this is the second day i have been negative you know i i was i was great i was just positive and you kept the booking a man of honor yeah but i've been i was positive for like three weeks but i wasn't that stupid but just recently yeah right because it it's not that i don't like it's the so ocd uh obsessive compulsive disorder is just this when you are cognizant of the fact that your thoughts and your fears are not making sense but you can't stop that thought or that fear and it becomes repetitive so much so that you have to it stops your life see i know that shaking somebody's hand right it's a kind of exquisite torture when your one half of your brain knows something but the other calf can't follow it right or can follow it but you can't do anything about it like i can say in the midst of any of these things i can go this is [ __ ] nuts this is [ __ ] and that drives you i understand i've used this analogy before but howard hughes was a yes i brought him up in that same editorial where i brought you up right he was a very intelligent man who ended his final years alone in a room naked pissing into bottles i can't tell you how close i am to that every waking moment of my life and the thing about it was one of the many things that i talk about and i have me throughout the years is germaphobia is not the biggest issue i have it is repetitive thoughts and rituals and things that just stop me but sometimes like anybody else if you shake somebody's hand and you feel it's a little bit so oh it's a little clammy and then you can move on in your life i go it's a little bit clammy and i go i'm going to go wash my hands and then i go wash my hands and i go you know i didn't i didn't i i don't think i got everything and then i got to go back and i go back and i go back and i can spend hours just and at the same time simultaneously i'm going are you [ __ ] nuts nothing's going to happen to you howie and even if you did get a cold from this person what the [ __ ] are you going to do get out of the bathroom stop screaming at everybody stop locking yourself away and i don't have the power to stop myself and therein lies the rub yeah that's a kind of a torture so what happened during covid was there was some comfort in you know everybody making fun of the fact that i that i uh you know fist bumped there was some comfort in my world going howie don't worry about it howie the queen she's fine howie nobody is sick here to when the whole world shut down misery doesn't love company right and i was in the most miserable place in the world and it was this nightmare that i couldn't get out of and the only way that i could possibly shut down was just to uh black out what do you think plants such a thing in your brain where does it begin you say right from the beginning with you like why why you what got in your brain what i'll tell you i know i know exactly what got in my brain really yes so oh see i'll tell you ocd is you know the the inability to um it's like a skipping record right regardless what the thought somebody has to walk in the door they have to tap the door three times and they can't walk into a room they tap it three times my germaphobia i had ocd but how it was going to affect me was molded by when i was five years old i um i was in miami and i was sitting on the beach and i got bit by a sand fly and the sand fly laid its larva in my in my hand i didn't know this and i um i had like these mosquito bites when i went home and they were really itchy i remember being a little kid and i would scratch the mosquito bite and then i'd watch the mosquito bite crawl away under my arm and then all over my body i had these things growing under my skin and they would scratch away so my uh my mom took me to a dermatologist the dermatologist went [ __ ] nuts he goes this is great and we're having an international dermatology convention this week can i bring your son and they brought me i'll never forget this they brought me probably five or six years old they brought me and i was sitting in um uh it was kind of like i guess it was a theater and they put me on a gurney they tied me down to the gurney they took off my clothes i'm standing there my lying there and my tighty whities and the guy explains that we haven't seen this in humans before this is um cattle get this disease where uh sand flies lay their larva under the skin and and people are asking questions what do you think you're going to do he says i'm going to tell you what i'm going to do i'm going to uh get rid of them with liquid nitrogen and they brought in a a tank liquid nitrogen is like dry ice it's like it's crazy cold i i have no i'm not a science major but it they freeze it but essentially they burn it i had no uh anesthesia or anything and he starts dropping the liquid nitrogen on on these bumps and i remember blood curdling scream and i look at my skin it was sizzling and these larva bumps were bubbling up and and they were um blistering like he was burning me alive my mother screamed ran up ripped off the uh ripped off the uh they had me tied down so i wouldn't i wouldn't move under this thing took me to the car and took me home and it wouldn't take me to the doctor and then every night what my mom would do we would pick one and she took a dry rough cloth every night at first it started really good you know felt good and she would rub it and rub it and rub it and rub it until my skin would break and bleed and the eggs the larva would come out and over the it took a year to get them all we would do one a night and they were all gone from that time on i never wanted to touch anything and that's that embedded in my mind i don't want to touch anything after hearing that story sorry i know no it's just funny it's so harrowing it's so it's traumatic well and also yes it's true honestly it's traumatic just listening to it because you realize that the littlest thing that you could not in any way prevent so as a control freak this makes my alarm bells go off because like i guess i could prevent this if i just never went on a beach but that's not going to happen i go on beaches you know but it didn't have to be sand crabs or whatever it was it could be anything that could happen tomorrow but i think the ptsd of it all is the fact and maybe triggering my ocd is the fact that if i shake your hand and i feel a little bit no of sweat then my mind goes to oh there is something in my skin there's something on my skin there's something foreign there it's going to get in there and it's kind of like if you go to war you know if somebody slams a door it's not a it's not a gunshot but again i i think this is still we're describing this phenomenon of one part of your brain right understands the discussion we're having and the other part the lizard part shall we call it yes you know and i'm just wondering if there's a way to hypnotize you or something so we've tried everything i've tried i'm sure you have of course and i've i've gone everywhere you know um that saying of ignorance being bliss is it's true right i wish i was ignorant i wish i wasn't aware of who was ahead i wish i didn't understand what happened to me when i was a child i wish and i do suffer so when you when i hear you on television saying we don't want this happening to other people right and the reference is the howie mandel we don't want to raise that and and i feel this way like when i have grandchildren now and i was concerned what do you mean this is depressing that my friends now have grandchildren i've had grandchildren for a year i've been married for 42 years me too no you have if you've been on a video conference recently you know that the experience can be awful slow video people cutting out in the worst part trying to pretend to your boss that you give a [ __ ] about your job that's where signalwire comes in signalwire is a technology arsenal that allows developers to create better real-time video communication apps quickly because that's what we need more apps signalwire empowers developers to create more natural real-time interactive experiences and signalwire provides developer-friendly apis and sdks 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because sometimes smoky fumes from a fire get in the way of me enjoying my other you know preferred smoky fumes the fires are easy to start and there's no messy cleanup and upgrade your backyard with the solo stove fire pit and create story worthy moments without the fireside fumes solo stove fire pits are brilliantly engineered to be easy to use and they're built to last it's easy to light with a few bits of starter your fire is blazing in minutes they're so confident you'll love it they offer a lifetime warranty and a 30-day free return policy right now you can shop solo stubs best deals yet during their memorial day sale and use promo code random at solostove.com for an extra ten dollars off that's solostove.com promo code random for ten dollars off on top of their incredible memorial day discounts but hurry the memorial day sale ends may 30th you know as a kid i always dreamed that one day i'd grow up and i'd be invited into these i'd go i'd have money and i'd be able to go into these clubs and into these places and see these places i never dreamed that i would know somebody that builds these places in his own backyard i certainly didn't build this i just have it i have it but i mean it's not that impressive it's just cool but look at it it's a little ratskeller people call it a man it's not a man cave a man cave is for married guys i don't know there's a [ __ ] singing bass on the wall this is telling you that you're a cool little nightclub and everybody's going wow and you have i'm not going to give away where you live but there are acres out there you have gardens you have explain to me the there's no i'm telling you you have a trampoline i do have a trampoline so what a trampoline is very good for your health the lymph system the lymph system you're [ __ ] with me i am not [ __ ] with you in fact you know the image i'm not high but the image of you alone on jumping up and down on the trampoline is really i want to laugh i'm laughing i do it every day and this is the kind of thing that we can get on the trampoline alone on the trampoline the bill maher story uh my career when my career is up and down up and down but you're just standing there not smiling nobody's there first of all it's good for the limp it's funny it's fun and you know this is the kind of thing i am healthier than most people in this country who like you laugh at me when i say things like that oh you're so funny i find it so interesting body positivity obesity the most unhealthiest thing you can do seriously that's body positivity but if you like live very healthy you're a health nut aaron rodgers he's a nut kyrie irving nut djokovic these are nuts but they're not nuts and there is a very good reason why you would want to stimulate your lymph gland on a trampoline because unlike the heart the lymph does not have a pump right and that motion is very good and the lymph gland gets rid of toxic material maybe there is an answer to your problem that involves alternative thinking to just the maybe there's a physical part of it maybe it involves the lymph clan maybe if you got on that trampoline we would be having a completely different discussion i'm gonna can i jump on it later no i should jump on this idea i really that's what you should do it's so weird like everything you're saying makes so much sense it does but i saw that on the outside i have to tell you that it went from a ridiculous image that i couldn't get out of my head to uh you just sold me i mean the whole minute i'll go home now and i'm going to get a trampoline and i'm going to go honey absolutely are you being serious i am totally being serious are you [ __ ] with me because i'm [ __ ] with you the trampoline it's it's look at it get your magic light box and google it it's uh i'm gonna continue no no no no where do i google like i wanna i think you're [ __ ] with me because i'll go out i mean trampoline lymph i would you know so people because i asked everybody what is that trump they didn't know nobody said he does that for me even if i just wanted to have it for jimmy kimmel to come over with the girls on trampoline that makes sense then i wouldn't even laugh at that that is the fact that you are going you know i can't do the meeting now i got a half hour of jumping to do it's not a half an hour it takes like a minute one minute of jumping at this that would be fun trampoline lymph i think so i i think if you if it googled trampoline trampoline lymphatic system there you go are you being bounce away lymphedema lymphatic trampoline and the health perfect for seniors old people should be on trampolines yes everybody should look at this the benefits of the bellicon mini trampoline weight control back pain osteoporosis i was making cardio the immune system but diet isn't even important but we gotta bounce the health [Applause] everything's important but this certainly you never see here's the thing you never know exactly because my big theme on medicine is that everyone overestimates how far we are along in understanding the human body my view is that we're at the infancy just because we we aren't as dumb as we were a hundred years ago we were just painfully dumb then and now we're just com not we're very dumb so you think we're all going to die and you're going to be on your trampoline alone no i don't i don't think i can prevent my death either but i'm just saying as long as they can't figure your [ __ ] out they can't figure cancer out there's lots of stuff they haven't figured out i'm not saying hey you dummies why don't you get on it i can't even like approach the problem it's not like i know about that did your doctor tell you to do it it's not that hard to find information like that but i would never put lymphatic system and trampoline in the same surgery but if you but if you had read one book on alternative medicine you would have come across that really yes the trampoline because i do read it it's a major part of like not major yes but it's something that every i've read it a million times in books that are talking about how can we get away from the pharmaceutical approach where everything is handled with either pharmaceutical or surgery how can we keep ourselves healthy so we don't need these uh heroic incursions later in life and at some point it's always just been the trampoline but the fact that it was there and we didn't know the cure but i love the way you keep making this a great sketch by coming back to that you're right that's exactly how you make this a great sketch you just keep coming back to every time i get all high and mighty that's the [ __ ] so you you read it it's real but you're still okay with mocking it because underneath you're the comedian and you see this is the comedic route but this isn't like that's really nice it's true but the premise is too good right but a sense of humor is that you can sense the humor in everything in the darkness and the reality in information right and my approach is always humor okay always and sometimes it gets me in trouble because then the person you have a great sense of humor the person that i'm talking to thinks that i'm belittling the idea now let's talk about how good it is to put vegetables in uranus that one i'm kidding i just thought as long as i could go i was going to cook this i've got you going you put a carrot in your ass because hindsight is 20 20. oh did you you didn't just make that up i've never put a carrot in my mouth oh that's such an amazing joke though oh thank you hindsight as is 20 20. are you explaining it then i mean i just said it i know but like that's like you'd think there would be no i don't i like that's a great i'm not i'm not so funny around that harrowed up my ass because heinz said you that's one of those where you're like who would call me now certain who's certainly i'm gonna i'm gonna i don't know who it is i know who it is oh you do it's the people who make trampolines i gave them your number i know that i think as much as i'm making fun of this you know that i'm going to have a trampoline in my backyard tomorrow i'm so neurotic about looking for and i'm open to anything i'm open to almost anything am i saying this is going to cure you of course not but one last thing i'm not going to worry about my lymphatic system your lymphatic system is so important i know and people don't people underplay our lymphatic system in fact when they say how are you when the average person comes up to you and says how are you they're not even concerned about your own family i want you to stop calling okay can't you do you know how to turn it off no i don't know how to there that's the problem people don't know how to turn their phone out okay um but i had it on because you weren't here when this started i i was like right on time wasn't it no no no you had people this is your house okay and i heard people yelling outside so do you have bill okay does anybody have bill so we mike went 10 minutes over 10 minutes this is show business that's not that bad i don't mind waiting and then i was five minutes well you know i was neurotic i thought it was a joke on me i was sitting here there's cameras there's lights i mean i thought you were gonna do something to me i felt i was gonna be left alone i always feel like that there's a joke on me well i always feel like people are [ __ ] with me is that right i do i do yes of course you thought i was with the limp thing i always think it i didn't have a friend in the world as a kid and i just think that people were always they're either [ __ ] with me or they're yelling at me or they're mad at me but howie i have like even if i was a bad person i have so no reason to [ __ ] with you nor would i out of respect even even if even i didn't think you were a tremendous talent and you know thank you yeah like we started around the same time we did and what year did you say 79 i started 77 but we're the same age so basically the same thing right and like you know it's a little like being in the army where you go into battle and a lot of guys get killed right and you know we're like two guys who made it through the battle i think we're just heading into it now you know i mean the battle of like show business i feel like we're just heading into a battle well we're both saying we were we're still working that's what i we're in show business we're communicating right we succeeded yeah we can afford it okay well a lot of guys didn't understand it's a lap well you know there's a million reasons why it does it doesn't happen and a lot of it is luck sometimes you're just lucky and there are but if you're very talented people who just were sort of in the wrong era or the wrong place at the wrong time and then where did they go they stopped well they did something else but they stopped you didn't stop well don't you think that's what it is i always think the difference between somebody who is come on i'm trying to be nice to the losers no i'm kidding but i'm thinking you know what if it is true luck is a is an element it is absolutely an element in everything we do the fact that you cross the street and you don't get hit by a car is luck well you know it's a complete luck no fluke wealth like what makes a person wealthy very talking about financially yes like you think that's luck well i don't if you're born with rich parents that's luck that's how you were born if you can throw a baseball 100 miles an hour you can make a lot of money that would not have made you a lot of money in 1780. that was lucky you're right you're born into right right it's fluke i mean look at us we did very well but isn't it what because why we we are jokesters you know but yes well there was a time when that would not have paid very well but you know what it but but here's what i always say about success is most people in life our philosophy in life i always talk about this you know what hump day you always hear them advertise hump day well here at this call brandon i would imagine that's every other day when you're not on the trampoline but but the connotation is wednesday you're halfway through a week of doing a trud you know just trotting along in this [ __ ] right of a job doing what you don't want to do to maybe hopefully the brightest spot is to get to the weekend to just not do the [ __ ] you don't want to do but not do anything nobody most people don't wake up in the morning excited about something to do even if that something is even a stamp collection nobody has passion about anything most people don't no you're supposed to go to school you get a job you pay the rent you get married you have kids it's not fun that's what you do that's the difference between a job and a career a job you don't enjoy it you're just doing it a career but it doesn't even have to be a career i swear to you i swear to you that i would be i don't sound like a happy guy but i feel happy there are portions of my life that are very satisfying and one of them is comedy and when i found comedy by accident april 19 1977 yuck yucks in toronto i got dared to go on that stage and i had never been on stage before i didn't aspire to be a comedian i didn't aspire to be in show business i didn't want to do it i also have adhd one of the effects of adhd is you don't think of ramifications you just act out or react to and i said okay and thinking that the joke would be i didn't uh i didn't prepare thinking the joke would be they'd go ladies and gentlemen howie mandel and my two people that i knew in the audience would laugh that i got introduced why the [ __ ] am i being introduced i'm not a comic and i went on stage they went ladies and gentlemen howie mandel and i walked on the stage and then i realized there's no there's this is not a joke and i'm standing there by the mic and i see the lights and terror just dripped through me and it was just terrifying i'm looking at all these strangers and i started going and if you look at all my old youtube videos you look at all i started going oh okay all right okay all right what oh okay okay and my fear people started giggling at my fear so that was that's me the origin of everything and i'm going okay okay okay and they started giggling at my fear and then i started going what what okay all right all right and i put my hands in my pocket and in my pocket i had rubber gloves because i if i'm out in public the first time you had the right because i go to public bathrooms i didn't want to touch anything whoa so of course yes i'll take a rubber glove i don't know what to do it's all making sense okay okay and i just pulled it over my head i couldn't think of what to do i just want to [ __ ] die i wanted to hide and i pull it over my nose and i'm breathing the fingers are going up and the audience is going crazy and i pop it off i blow it up and i pop it off my head and i heard them all applaud i went tonight and i ran and mark breslin who owns the club says you've got to come back tomorrow night and i go to to do what he goes do what you did and i go what the [ __ ] did i do he goes no it's great and i started going there and it was the first time in my life where i got enveloped by you know i felt i never felt a room full of people like enjoying my presence i never felt like just to be enveloped in laughter and joy and i promise you if i was a if i was a janitor today if one time a week i could go show up at a club and be embraced by an audience to me i don't care about notoriety or how much money laughter doesn't have to physically touch you that's why it's great for you it really is it is it is it doesn't it touches me of course but not physically you're right i never even thought of that that's right so that was that's like this visceral embrace that i've always am looking for and now it's your breakthrough it is i'm sorry our time's up [Laughter] no and and now it's harder than ever now now and i swear to you i want to be once a week but now i'm i i have a fear but the part of your brain that could still [ __ ] think i mean it must recognize that you you know have stayed on television for i mean the american public doesn't keep people around on tv in various forms for decades unless they like them they just like them but i think you might disapp you might disagree with me even like me i don't think they love you so it's because you enjoy what you do of course you're incredibly authentic to what you do and you're not a people pleaser as much as your uh bill pleaser and it just so happens which makes me a paper pleaser to the right people right people can smell not the wrong people but there's always more people that don't like you know i've told the story so many times i care about them the people who don't like you but i become aware you know in the 80s when i hit you'll piss off the people who do like you right but you know i tell the story many times when i when i finally when i hit after i did uh my first hbo special i sold out radio city music called two shows in one night wow in in the 80s i remember when you were a sensation i was not not anymore but i was now you're just saying you know right but you only get to be a sensation once right so i but i sold it out and i remember you know i'm a putts from toronto and 7 000 people were uh teaming out onto 7th avenue or wherever the radio city is in between shows and 7 000 people were coming in and i'm in the dressing room and my wife and i are looking out the window in manhattan and and you know there's 14 000 people in the street going in and out there's stanchions and there's cops and there's and my wife goes this is all for you this is all what are you thinking what are you thinking i mean this is not even a dream you had it was just years ago like at that time it was like seven or eight years ago you were a goofball selling carpet in toronto like what are you thinking and i said if you want to be honest this is what i'm thinking that this is a city of 10 million and nine million eight hundred and eighty six thousand people don't give a [ __ ] i'm here well that is certainly looking at the bong as half empty yes it is but i'm always okay but there's always more people that don't agree with you that don't like you and i i remember it's not dwelling that's cray-cray okay you need to you need the trampoline i do but let me ask you this at that moment when you're at the paramount theater like frank sinatra and you look out the window and they're all the bobby suckers lined up around the block to see you maybe i'm mixing these two stories up but i know you're in a hotel i know you're looking down on people not in a bad way just they're from just for measurements right and they're all there to see you and you're you said you were there with your wife on heart of hearts did you think oh boy i wish i was single right now because i mean you know no yeah i'll tell you i'll tell you this is you're not gonna believe this you're not gonna believe this germs groupies have germs i thought that i thought that but you know you don't want to know something i've never been able to um [Music] get an erection that's a great game show just finish my sentences no i didn't want to [ __ ] anybody that wanted to [ __ ] me because i'm i'm because i'm successful oh you you definitely need my therapy yeah you're not gonna have to come twice a week i will but i didn't you know it always i just wanted people to like me i just want to be i want somebody to like me i don't want somebody to to you know what to want to [ __ ] me because they saw me on tv acting like an idiot putting a glove on my head that's never been i really crave people to to like me does that sound really weird no that's common in show business so i mean i crave that everyone nobody would be on the stage unless they crave people to like them it depends on what you do with that if it's if it's like i don't want to but why would i want to [ __ ] somebody just because they saw me on tv i don't know but it's a very popular thing to do i can't hear it call brandon i can't get not just in the world over i mean people come on don't make this about me when people enjoy it when i say [ __ ] somebody just because they see on tv it's not you all right you're not you made it about you no i didn't i was look when men you know men they're just scalawags and so you know are you a pirate i haven't heard that term scallywags well i was trying to you know raped and pillaged you know what howie a lot of children watch this podcast and i want to clean it up for them men are scallywags they are and now you know so when they are presented with temptation from the opposite sex or today the uh same sex transsex i don't know whatever sex people on this podcast never sex is tempting to you you know they have a predilection through a history of being weak weak had being horny in just one a week [ __ ] i get that but there's something about yeah you know i i feel i don't want to feel that now i sound like uh i don't want to be i don't want to be used you don't want to be used i don't want to be used i want you to like me if you're going to [ __ ] me i don't mind being used just put me back where you found me that's my policy is that weird i'm very old-fashioned i guess i'm not a scallywag i thought have you ever used that outside of this like have you ever said that just really serious to somebody or you know that dave is such a scallywag well you're saying i think it's scalawag um well i was just i did this first time i've heard it in a long time it's scalawag i don't know i think skeletons don't even know what it is and we could be canceled tomorrow for saying it we could have no idea people love scallywag today you want me to google i don't see you often no phones no i know but the point is that i've never we'll find out the fact that i've spent this much time with you i've never had to google so much stuff lymphatic system on the trampoline and a scallywag and then if you look if my wife looks through my history of what a scallywag and lymphatic i was at bills i was at pills why do you have trampolines lymphatic system and scallywag mar it's mar if that is the worst thing she finds on your phone she's a very lucky woman because you know husbands have horrible things on their browser history i mean i don't have horrible no you ever said like your single guy want to know have you ever taken a dick pic no no i can't imagine like if i'm not i'm not single or anything but i can't even imagine like because i'm so i live so much outside of myself i can't imagine just the like so i don't know what like i wouldn't know how to light it i don't know how to like where do you i don't know is my like how do you even do that i'd have to hold it further away but that's just me i see what you did but now i by the time they had dick pics on the phone i was already old enough to know this is a stupid idea and first of all i don't think there's any woman in the world who ever wants for almost any reason to get a dick pic but that's what i'm saying it's so obvious to people who are older but i guess when you're in your 20s you think this is going to be just a winner and it's just it's it's amazing you could be that stupid but i know people in their 20s are that stupid and people are older than their 20s and they're older than their 20s absolutely yes but not certainly by the time the phone was around i i i just wouldn't be that's just who i don't understand it's just a gross imposition kind of a thing to do and and it's it's ego maniacal and you know if you want someone to see it in person don't send the picture it's just it's just it's hard to bring in fighting with fundamental miscalculation of your core audience which is women that is your core audience you're trying to reach it is a fundamental miscalculation i think that of how that is going to be received but don't you think that that the thought is this the thought is i want her to see my penis but i want i just that's what i want right but i know here i have more control over lighting and angles right so to bring like if you know you're gonna drop your pants you don't have to set up lighting you don't have to change the lens you don't have to do that club random is supported by zip recruiter certain people just make my life so much easier i don't know what i do without them there's my solar panel guy fred and the last nice lady at the dispensary and my dog psychologist helen these are people i can't live without if you own a growing business and need to hire people you can't live without ziprecruiter makes hiring so much easier because they do the work for you and right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com random ziprecruiter uses its powerful technology to find and match the right candidates up with your job you can easily review these recommended candidates and invite your top choices to apply four to five employers who post 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now's the time to protect your family's finances here's how it works click the link in the description or head to policygenius.com random to get started compare personalized quotes instantly you could save 50 or more on life insurance by comparing quotes with policy genius the licensed agents who work for you not the insurance companies are there to help you understand your options and make decisions with confidence head to policygenius.com random to get your free life insurance quotes and see how much you could save did you know hbo max had podcasts i'm on my podcast talking about the podcast on my network this must be what the metaverse feels like now go even deeper inside your favorite shows with audio companions to some of the most groundbreaking and award-winning shows on television the hbo max series hacks is back oh good with a new season and a new companion podcast in each episode hacks creators lucia aniello paul w downes and jen statsky will be joined by a special guest host like hannah einbinder darcy cardin susie esmen and more unpack each episode of deborah and ava's hijinks listeners will hear stories from the show's writers room onset and the world of stand-up and entertainment that inspired the show you can listen to the official hacks podcast on hbo max and wherever you get your podcasts i don't understand the whole this whole this is what makes me feel old i don't understand pictures anyway i mean i don't understand the internet like everybody's taking you're going to a restaurant they serve food and you could look at any other table and they're taking pictures of their salad you know all this time yeah when things were served to me years and years ago when people didn't have the phone i'd never heard anybody at the table going home no does anybody have a camera i mean that's a millennial cliche i think there was a time when they did that more i think it became such a joke that they don't do it as much anymore but i mean your bigger picture selfies everything of course no every i'm but sweetheart it is not just millennials i mean sweetheart sweetheart where do you get these references people our age do the same thing they always need a picture yes i know plenty of people like that and that's the thing i hate most i don't like my picture taking no i don't either it's first of all it's unnecessary i can remember this role i have a memory you know but who stands in front of the eiffel tower just still and smiles like why does that what are you capturing right capturing that you don't do that in life you know i you know what bugs me is like they tell the audience many times before when i'm doing stand-up on the road in the theater don't take pictures and then you walk out and the there's people taking pictures i mean it's like of course well i hate that even that they record i don't do it and recording would be even more outrageous because do you put yours in the no no that you put it in a bag yeah he owns that company doesn't he yonder oh is that right i think he's an investor in that company well i mean that to me is it too much of an imposition on my audience to make them put there are you scared now don't stand up no but you know what i was always a one of the more controversial type that's why i'm asking you no i mean like look you can't go through what i do scared you know but do you not feel that because i i got to tell you from the academy awards to what happened with chappelle at the hollywood bowl yeah i'm rocked and i'm rocked to the core in the you know i'm a scared person as it is anyway and i worry anyway you don't know who's out there that's a trigger even more yeah no and and i think violence triggers violence that's a trick that's a i can see that's a triggering thing for you you don't think now that there has been a i mean there's this i don't know there's like a dam has been busted or cracked yes i talked about it when will smith did it before this did you know i mean um that this war on jokes must end but but even if it's a war on jokes it was cancelled culture now it is you can beat the [ __ ] out of that guy because i don't like the joke yeah i told somebody today when we got into the business in the 70s the worst thing that would happen was somebody wouldn't laugh you might get heckled right somebody will get up and walk out somebody will come up to you after the show and go what the [ __ ] you saying that about my wife you know open for a rock band you could have stuff thrown at you to get you off the stage right it was more harmful you know right soft beer bottles now it's right in your face yeah and and but i mean the fundamental problem there i think is that the younger generation does not understand free speech they were not taught free speech they are so [ __ ] spoiled and entitled to them not having a moment's discomfort with something that they don't agree with or that they find defensive or something that so supersedes what we think but it's not only the youngest the most important thing which is free speech well you know you want to know i i think you spoke about this many years ago i did many years ago and i think it's before we were all woke i stopped going to colleges because oh yes but you would think when we started in the business you wanted to play the college and i did in the 90s right and so did i right and through the 80s i did a tour with with mike binder and uh into the showmen i'd go to the frat party right like with the college kids right it was amazing and i would tour every college and then i think it was the 90s when like the late 90s when it started they were the first uh group that said you know you can't i don't i can't remember what it was but you can't refer whatever we were referring to whatever our culture was whatever they were they were the first well they i mean everybody stopped playing even clean comics no yeah it was just a tough place well they just but that that if that kind of seeped out into our whole world yeah a little bit that a little bit people are getting knocked down because you can't say this you can't say anything about somebody without you can't say anything i've been banging this drum for a long time right but you know you know but that is there are people who will literally take the side that oh come on there isn't really cancer culture really just among comedians i mean our dear departed recently departed friend gilbert godfrey oh my god he got cancelled for a joke on twitter many jokes but that's who he was but that's but that's what comedy is comedy is griffin i could go through it louie i mean there's a long list roseanne uh no i'm not talking about i'm talking about just and there's a smaller list but still a aziz of people who are uh cancelled not even for behavior just because they were accused well or just we don't like the joke right you know kathy griffin we don't like that joke i mean that was from the right right but i talk about this all the time you know one of the highlights of my entire career was coming out here in the you said you started in 79 were you out here no new york okay so i was out here in 79 or 78 and richard pryor was going on at the comedy store every night cobbling together yeah uh live at the sunset strip which is a seminal that yeah he kind of taught me he i i hold him in such reverence he i watched him every night because i'd never seen anybody really work an entire act from from [Music] day one and at that time you know the context is different you know he was talking about christ and he was talking about drug use and he was talking about he was standing on stage bandaged from being burned from uh right from um oh so it was freebasing right no but and and he started making jokes about that and people were uncomfortable about that and i watched him go over the line and back and over the line and back but it was the safety of the comedy club and people understood that it was in the context of him when when you say over the line when he did when he shot it as a movie right right right did he reel that back in in other words he edited out what he and saw as over the line he edited out there was a line even for him that was too far i don't know if it was too far as far as just didn't get a laugh yeah it didn't it didn't work and my analogy to this is you know it's an art form the ability to kind of cobble together words and thoughts to touch other people's rights i'm right and if you kind of use the analogy the way painting is an art form you need to take that canvas and you need to splash you know splash it with black and with that black you go that's a little dark i'm going to shade this and put this and then you create a whole picture but if you're telling us we can't use the black paint because that's too dark and that's too far how do i shade how do i get to the point where there's humor they're taking away our brushes they're taking away our colors they're taking away there is really in comedy there's no such thing as too soon right there's no such thing as too far you're here no but that's what if you think of what we're saying it's a sense of humor if you find humor and if you look at the two masks that are comedy and tragedy there's really no difference one has an upside down smile and you have to find and if you laugh even if you're a kid if you laugh you go to the circus and you laugh and you take your kid and you laugh at a clown falling down what are you laughing at you're laughing at the misfortune of somebody you don't know with paint on their face right and maybe fell and hurt themselves if you're telling a joke that the easiest two guys walk in a bar it's not a joke unless something horrible happens to one of them something embarrassing happens all jokes come out of darkness yes that's where humor is most yes every joke you talk about an embarrassing moment you talk about how ridiculous something is in the news you talk about it's not out of nice right many jokes do come out of yes jokes come out of everything but i take your you think there is no joke rooted in just nice okay sunset i give there isn't i think i'm sure you could find some because you could find humor in anything a pun is not rooted in uh uh darkness it's just rooted in two words sound alike anyway okay but it's a so i i think it's just it's a minor point i take you i take your point life sucks which is always your point it is my point okay and no two and in those moments as somebody who suffers constantly that laughter and humor and finding that little path out has been my bridge to sanity you should hang out with millennials why because they're always sad too they're always like you know everything is anxiety and i mean i'm telling you you get along you're you're a millennial in the in an older man's body there's too much going in there's just too much so how often do you do stand-up never ever now i'm afraid but i do it a lot i i was up until covid i i did up to 200 nights a year 200 i did what i was 100 150 whoa i was always on the road my office is right at van nuys airport so i would take off every night and go and come back come back yeah this side of the mississippi if it's that side of the mississippi then i'd stay in new york but i was doing day i was like that's that's like no like lena but that's a baller move to like do it that way why again not great for the environment but like again oh you mean if you fly private yeah well how you're doing it you said you come back the same thing yeah right but what's the baller that i'm flying through yeah it's the ability at this age you know if i have to go through an airport reconnecting flights in the same way scalawag i'm the same way but you fly private absolutely so what i don't understand your point i'm just saying never mind it doesn't matter it's just uh there's some guilt about it but i've got i'm over it um i'm not guilty i'm not i don't i don't i'm not guilty about it i i go there and hopefully make a bunch of people happy exactly and uh and i make myself happy and i'm able to exactly but i don't want to do it so much anymore i'm afraid i'm afraid of but that's a crazy amount i never did it that much well now i'm probably down to 30. well that's i mean after covid i i'm from you're out longest every weekend i know i'm not i see you i'm always in hawaii over christmas and i see you why yes you gotta we got to do it together one year you know what would you want to know i would love to you you want you know what it was really you want to know what makes me sad you know what makes me sad maybe i'll do it this year dude gilbert died but that's so you want to know for that game that's why i'm saying that's what makes me say what do you want to hear i was on the phone with him when he got in the ambulance i'm the last person to talk to gilbert oh and dara called me it that is that is fate i don't even believe in it but if they get them on the show that is fate really is there a camera yeah i just did a tank okay i'm just saying dara called me when he went to the hospital and he was in the hospital and we put him in into an induced coma and she called me and she said howie what do you think i should do bill maher's office just called me to make travel arrangements we have been this has been the light in our life this is the one thing that gilbert has been looking forward to doing what should i do and i said to her don't don't say you don't know what tomorrow brings he could he could wake up don't take that away let him think about that and then two days later he passed but that that's what you have no idea what joy you brought him just by offering him that gig he was so looking forward to it i was so sad and so hard i was so heartbreaking guys you've known for 40 years but you don't really know that's the other before did you ever watch his documentary yes before i did the but i knew him from 40 years ago from bringing him up at catcher rising star we started at the same club in new york that's right i brought him up every night you know and we would often we would sit in the back of the room and laugh our asses off uh literalizing other people's acts i mean it was it was cruel it was like a mockery of what we thought were comedians who were like not so great right he was the best and he could do their voices and he could do their acts so uh you know but over the years i i've never really had a human conversation with him it was all in comedics you know it was all laughing we would do bits and you know right we would just fall right into like making each other laugh by but that was with the shorthand that comics know i don't have to set this up i can just go right to this and then you'll but but i thought you know in hawaii maybe that's what would happen that after 40 years he loved you he wanted to and he was older and he was married and had kids and maybe he and i would have a great uh conversation like we're having now or if and if it wasn't then we just still have a great thing because he's hysterically funny there isn't anybody's dad can you do it i feel i feel like you're asking me to do the aflac commercial i feel like this is one of those i don't know this he got fired from aflac he died i don't want to take his job but this is like one of those things i'll be there i'd love to jump up on stage you know where you do play every island we play maui on the 30th december 30th and then you do the uh honolulu new year's eve always at the same place right yeah always at the same place we can i'll let you decide we can fly back after the show on new year's and be home at 9 00 a.m january 1st or we can stay over because i think the problem is reservations i'm there oh you're already there i'm not playing i'm i'm in hawaii i'm always in hawaii the last time i was in hawaii please i always see it can i put your name on the bill let me ask mike give your money maybe not maybe not what you're who do you have no it's not about money but maybe i'll write off my jet there oh wendy liebman who's fantastic is she okay she was in a car accident she was booked five years ago and got in the car accident and couldn't do it that year and now i said my god well you booked her five years ago she got hit by a car gilbert died and saga did it two years ago and he's dead so no no i'm not gonna no no the only thing i'll do that's even close to you i'm staying home this christmas on my [ __ ] trampoline getting my lymphatic system as healthy as possible are you [ __ ] kidding me all right i gotta go work on my day job oh this is over this is it yeah what happened you just leave but you don't tell me this is over and then i'm again i started in the room i'll give you a big wet sloppy no no and don't call me sweetheart anymore because i feel like the way to get over your issue is by i know the queen she made it [Applause] i've got so much weird information you have no idea and that's another thing i have this this was so much fun it really is i do love you i love you i do and i think you're one of the brightest funniest most charming and intimidating advance our relationship like more in yeah [Music] you're in your backyard [Music] there's nothing cool about this going two more minutes in those limps why are you coughing because you made me laugh full okay thanks it's been nice talking [Music]

Channel: Club Random Podcast

Views: 341,608

Keywords: club random podcast, club random, podcast, bill maher, bill, maher, club random with bill maher, real time, real time with bill maher, Howie Mandel, AGT, Netflix, America's Got Talent, OCD, howie mandel does stuff, howie mandel podcast, howie mandel does stuff podcast, howie mandel jackelyn shultz, howie mandel agt, agt, america's got talent, howie mandel interview, howie mandel comedy, howie mandel stand up, howie mandel ocd, howie mandel on stage, howie mandel standup

Id: n9sHSBY5o70

Length: 62min 48sec (3768 seconds)

Published: Mon May 23 2022