New Age Thugs | T. Murph | Stand Up Comedy

I'm happy to be here [ __ ] it we here we outside we kicking it he was up here talking about anxiety and I would tell you right now I was not a believer in anxiety not gonna say I can see how weird y'all got right there then I lived in the hood I got shot at people be like I got anxiety I'm like loser okay [ __ ] weirdo yummy a clown meanwhile I sat in a house during the pandemic for two [ __ ] years anxiety all right now I'm out here [ __ ] weird as [ __ ] like I don't know what's going on I'm talking about I was in the house panicking I didn't know what was gonna happen I started buying guns and ammo like a [ __ ] I turned into a white dude named Jill from Mississippi I didn't bought a pickup truck and put some nuts on the back do you hear me I might have to get her done I don't know I thought the goddamn zombies was coming I was scared of [ __ ] I'm like they on the way and I'm a black man with a sneaker collection I cannot be a zombie everybody here has seen the episode of The Walking Dead you see how zombies disrespect their goddamn shoes I want y'all to think about a zombie for a minute just think about when it's a black zombie y'all it's his first day just got bit you know what I mean he outside got us off white zone it flops his balenciagas think about a zombie get ready to walk like hat no [ __ ] that that's not enough in the [ __ ] shoes up somebody will see a black zombie and try to take a picture of him he'll see them seeing him and be like so stupid that's the [ __ ] you think about when you sit in the house for two years by your goddamn self [ __ ] ridiculous man I got I was scared I didn't know what to do I lost weight I got in shape I lost 40 [ __ ] pounds [Music] yeah I got in shape of [ __ ] man I start getting abs and uh no zombies came so these abs are worthless [ __ ] worthless man and then I had I had a covet baby man a [ __ ] Covey baby which is weird man it's like yeah kovic came and then I came and [ __ ] with titties gonna be the first ones to go I had just got on TV I can't [ __ ] die right now I gotta enjoy some of this Fame [ __ ] that [ __ ] was ridiculous man I was working out like a [ __ ] but the weird part about working out during the pandemic is all of the gyms were closed every [ __ ] gym was closed it's like they were like get in shape or you're gonna die and then they closed all gyms I'm like what am I supposed to do they like die [ __ ] that's what you do your fat ass over there in the corner and die that's what you do so I what I did was I found me a new workout partner yes I did I found me a new workout partner I started working out with my wife yeah yeah and to all the men out there I want you to hear me loud and clear when I say this don't do that okay do not [ __ ] do that because women don't work out like you work out okay you know what you're gonna do when you go to the gym with your boys you know what's gonna happen you're gonna work on the chest work on the shoulders hit the arms go crazy you start working out with her you know what you're doing huh now you in the gym and you are killing this [ __ ] right here [Laughter] you gotta squat it out you gotta squat it out squat throw some lunges in it lunge it out lunge it out now they came out the pandemic thick as hell but no goddamn reason arms don't look like [ __ ] but I am dragging that wagon you understand I'm two squats away from posting like this on Instagram that's why [Applause] Murph the stallion yeah man and shut these [ __ ] is down all right you know what's [ __ ] up about getting thick as a man nobody tells you don't nobody say [ __ ] it's not like you're hanging out with your boys one day and they're like okay Chris we see you nobody says nothing nothing I'm gonna tell you how I found out this is how I found out I was filming season two of my show woke in Atlanta never seen it check it out great show all right uh Atlanta's an amazing City if you've never been you should go a lot of culture great nightlife amazing food also the strip club capital okay fun fact about Atlanta Atlanta is the black gay Capital yes and Atlantic gays are aggressive I'm talking about you be like I'm that gay they'd be like how you know like [ __ ] I think I know all right I am good on dick do you not me lay your life King tear that ass up whatever the [ __ ] but I'm gonna tell you what happened I had just left the gym one day right had a great workout was walking down the street feeling confident having my hoochie daddies on as I'm walking down the street all I hear from across the street is [Laughter] excuse me little mama with the beard who the [ __ ] is he talking to little mama with the beard Little ma I am a grown ass man a little man but a grown man all right a grown ass man I had to look at my wife and say hey you better get your [ __ ] together these [ __ ] on me I had to look back like who me [Laughter] she's no that's all I'm saying [ __ ] y'all I'm going back next week to get uh boost myself a stand I ain't never been cat called before I feel pretty that's all I'm saying live in Chicago I flew out from Chicago to get some sun and warmth and that didn't happen because we outside but coming out of the pandemic I'm gonna tell you something my neighborhood is gentrified as [ __ ] man as [ __ ] and I ain't talking about white people moving in I'm talking about how the thugs don't look like they did prior to the pandemic seeing these new facts if you if you haven't seen them just pay attention to you to your local rappers all right these [ __ ] are walking around with dresses and purses on the crazy [ __ ] I'd be beat then if I get killed by somebody and they do this afterwards like I'm not pow got his ass I'm not who killed Murph a bad [ __ ] kill beam you can't even go to heaven you get killed by somebody with goddamn Gucci clutch I'm gonna tell you that right now get your [ __ ] ass out of here I'm so happy to [ __ ] finally be out of this goddamn pandemic [ __ ] like I know y'all tired of hearing about it but it was a [ __ ] three year period of our goddamn life and I really had to go through it like I got kids so I was I was at home with them like right now I've never appreciated a teacher so much in my goddamn life [Applause] make noise for the teachers give them a round do not let the teacher strike ever again give them whatever they want all right give him [ __ ] NBA contracts I don't give a [ __ ] hey as long as I don't have to have my kids at home again I don't got time for that [ __ ] my son was nine years old during this [ __ ] and this teacher like I tell you right now you found out some [ __ ] about your kids during that during that goddamn e-learning phase yeah you found out those teachers were not lying on your kids now your kids are exactly who the [ __ ] they said they were I almost expelled my son from my house you're like well I'm going I don't know but you got 10 days to figure it out get the [ __ ] out my house goddamn kids my son was stressing me out his teacher was calling me too much though man that's what I will say teachers were a little bit too in contact during e-learning this this lady was blowing my [ __ ] up and I was like Hey listen Miss Johnson please just give me the same respect that I give you when you have my son at school I never call you never called your [ __ ] phone all right matter of fact when I drop him off at 8 30 that's your son that's how this works out we got joint custody I don't want to hear from this [ __ ] until 3 30. like she was stalking me she would call [ __ ] Google Chat FaceTime Zoom whatever she had to do in order to get in contact with me saying unnecessary things like your son has not turned his homework is there any reason for that [ __ ] because I don't know how to do it I'm not understanding what the disconnect is all right do you realize how long ago the fourth grade was do you my son tomorrow what we gonna do [ __ ] we gonna cheat that's what we gonna do yeah we trying to Google these answers shit's so hard we have to wait on his mama to get home to help us with his homework oh man hey y'all been amazing my name is Tim Murphy get out of here [Applause] thank you [Music]

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 473,852

Keywords: stand up comedy, stand up, dont tell comedy, standup comedy, stand up comedian, don't tell comedy, best stand up, comedy specials, best stand up comedy, jokes, funny comedy specials, best comedy specials, comedy videos, rafi bastos comedy, stand up comedy full, stand up comedy full special, best stand up comedy 2022, t murph, t murph stand up, t murph comedian, t murph comedy, t murph laugh factory

Id: 6OXs1fj2ZOo

Length: 9min 35sec (575 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 06 2023