Bougie with Benefits | Julio Diaz | Stand Up Comedy

I feel like everything in my life is working out even things I would have never thought would happen to me is happening I just got an office job never had an office job in my life I didn't go to college I had a friend lie and say I was qualified for the job and they believed them now I'm there they gave me a company laptop I don't even have a computer in my house it's my way saying they're never going to see that laptop again that's my laptop I feel like nobody at this job is excited for my little wins but I've never worked with laptops in my life I'm learning as I go last week I finally learned how to CC somebody in an email come on I didn't know I was sending that one by one my whole life took me like a whole week to get 100 emails or one for you one for you I was kind of high my first day somebody was like yo can you CC me that was like you want me to close caption that too are you serious I looked it up it means carbon copy I don't even know what carbon copy means I thought they were just throwing letters together at work trying to with me somebody say yo you made a mistake you see seed me when you should have bcc'd me I was like oh yeah keep with me I'm an AC DC these emails too I don't have any tattoos but I could appreciate some nice artwork you know I have a co-worker he has a dragon tattoo that is fire I feel like if you get a word tattoo that's a little lazy I have another co-worker he has discipline tattooed on his left forearm I'm pretty sure you kind of discipline without that what if you got long sleeves now you're gonna be unruly all day he said no bro I got it because I'm trying to quit cigarettes and every time I reach down I'm reminded I need to have discipline I was like y'all I don't think you're gonna make it and two months you're gonna get who gives a on your other Army to switch hands see how long that lasts I was on my lunch break Dr bucks more than Dunkin Donuts my whole life I thought it was the quality in food is not when your order is ready at Starbucks they say your name when your order is ready at Dunkin Donuts they scream your order if I whispered when I was ordering to you I was obviously embarrassed of what I was getting I'm high I'm insecure nobody needs to know what I'm about to do to myself I was just trying to feed the munchies next thing I know the lady was like who got a dozen donuts I was like I'm the only one in here why'd you scream that yo put that on purpose just because I downloaded the app on my phone does not give it the right to start giving me notifications whenever they want to that's a form of harassment every day I get harassed by GrubHub there's one thing I'm high I got the munchies every other commercials the food commercial the last thing I needed was for you to send me a notification at two in the morning I don't need you to tease me I looked at my phone I thought it was a booty call it was GrubHub they were flirting with me huh they're like yo what up big man we haven't seen you in a while it's five dollars off your next order I was like yo you so toxic I like getting high on mushrooms and listening to my favorite songs as I grew up and stuff you know those songs that really motivated you when you was a youth my favorite song of all time is Fly Like an Eagle by Seal or the Steve Miller Band if you're white it's a nice song listen to it the other day he don't make sense that whole damn song word for word he said I want to feed the people with nothing to eat I want to sue the people with no shoes on their feet I want to house the people living in the street there's a solution Let Me Fly Like an Eagle how the hell is that a solution thank God that isn't a song and not a bill that's crazy could you imagine you asked somebody for help and they never they said that to you you would never ask for help again yo bro I need you I'm desperate I got you bro text you bro yeah for me but I've never had a job like this as a matter of fact this is the first job I've ever had in my life that gave me benefits I never had benefits that is nice in this country you can have a job that pays you a hundred thousand dollars a year and if you don't have health insurance and something happens to you there goes all your money on that hospital bill loan it costs fourteen thousand dollars just to be in an ambulance all I'm saying is the job doesn't pay me all that good but then benefits got me feeling bougie I'll be at the Barbie talking to women I'd be like I got all these benefits for nobody to share them with you get so lonely at the doctor's office a cab we could get an ambulance as you get older you gotta you gotta grow your confidence on different things and as a matter of fact when you get into relationships you have to think what do you bring to the table and is your partner matching that if you're still getting into relationships purely based off of physical attraction you're letting yourself down when I'm in a relationship I have a job my own apartment I do comedy I have no kids I got benefits I'm the complete package I was on a date and this girl was like how big is your penis I was like what you should have asked me was how big is my pension the way my pension is set up when we get married and I die I can still take care of you for another three years my penis could never [Laughter] where you take some money on the first date says a lot about you as a person you have to be very weary of that if you take somebody to the movies on the first date you're showing them that you're not confident in your conversation skills that's why whenever I go out on a first date I always take them to the museum museum is classy underrated nobody ever sees it coming I'm so confident my conversation I'm gonna try to talk to you about a painting that I don't see nothing in that's confidence my only problem with museums is I always leave that feeling like I gotta step my vocabulary up be a bunch of intellectuals throwing big words around I like taking women to the museum because I feel like it shows them a side of me that doesn't really exist anybody else it's all a facade I learned that word at the Museum there's a c in that word it'll throw you off I was trying to sound smooth I was like it's a facade laugh somebody sound weird but when I'm at museums I don't I don't really look at the paintings I just listen to other couples and I try to pick up on new words I've been trying to add it to my repertoire perfectly crowd you're not excited by repertoire I'm listening to this one guy so poetic he was describing the painted to his day he was like you see how the artists rendered their emotions into every stroke of the brush cathartic I was like y'all can see why he's getting some I'm over here telling my date you see how he colored outside of the lines abstract as a guy I feel like every time I go out on dates I get forced into ordering drinks that I don't actually like because I'm a man I have to make masculine choices in my drinks too I could never enjoy myself I always have to order whiskey that is nasty every whiskey commercial they say the same this whiskey has been Aging in a barrel for 18 years you know what that tastes like something that sat in a barrel for 18 years why are you gonna judge me as a man cause I ordered a pina colada says come with pineapples cherries they make songs about pina coladas if you love pina colada I love you my only problem with pina coladas is I feel like they never put it in a regular cup they always put that in the curviest cup you ever seen in your life pina colada be looking like a bad when it comes to the table this for you yeah you haven't shout out love your girlfriend your girlfriend says I love you and you tell her yeah I love you but then she goes I love you more and she expects you to love her more than that you're not gonna win I've learned this as I got older women are competitive with love they'll try to show you for no reason at all you could be minding your business your girlfriend will say some crazy Outlander just to show you how much she loves you the other day my girlfriend was like I would take a bullet for you why it's been six months you don't got nothing else going on you got you're not trying to see that college degree now but I feel like a loser I say you know what I would see you trying to do that spin around you take the bullet for you trying to take the bullet for me foreign I thought I won she goes I will see you trying to do that take the gun I have in my purse put it to your head to the guy he has to shoot me before he shoots you oh I was like forget about me I don't think you love yourself shoot him yo she got mad at me she was like what would you do what would I do ah comedy enjoy the rest of the show y'all [Music]

Channel: Don't Tell Comedy

Views: 247,988

Keywords: stand up comedy, stand up, dont tell comedy, standup comedy, stand up comedian, don't tell comedy, best stand up, comedy specials, best stand up comedy, jokes, funny comedy specials, best comedy specials, comedy videos, stand up comedy full, best stand up comedy 2022, julio diaz, julio diaz comedy, best comedy 2023, new comedians, julio diaz comedian

Id: hSA3jkbhAT0

Length: 10min 21sec (621 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 03 2023