Bernie Mac "LIVE" From Jacksonville "Kings of Comedy Tour

of her side to bed my side be all [ __ ] up she'll wash everybody's clothes but my drawers still being the dog gonna happen she'll cook for all the kids won't cook for me you know I don't know how to cook so I'm hungry than some [ __ ] you know my stomach rubbing my back you know what I mean I asked my son if I didn't get a little bite he said no that's all she cooks you know she cooks I said you selfish son of my [ __ ] you're just like your [ __ ] Mama selfish I'm hungry and [ __ ] man I'm telling you I'm hungry but you know when you make up when you when you fight with your woman about three or four days when you want to make up but you can't be the first one to make up because if you do you're the punk so you stay mad you know she walked this way you walk that way y'all just scoot by like y'all want to touch each other and [ __ ] you know you'd be laying in the bed her leg touch yours you screwed on the other end but by the fifth day your dick hard or something did you know I mean I'm a [ __ ] jumping you know what I mean your dick so hard it's leaking you know she walk around with panties one pan inside and her ass one tit out [Applause] you sitting there reading the paper like you ain't looking and [ __ ] you know did she come and say women some dirty [ __ ] they dirty man they see your dick to your drawers you know they see this [ __ ] High you know what I mean then she come you sitting there looking at TV she come by you you seen the TV Guide oh here it is make you want to rush up [ __ ] then when you do the funny part about it when you do get it y'all be kissing all hard wrestling and [ __ ] that you finally get in and that's when she say something to you when y'all get through with the [ __ ] is over Bernie why you do me like that hey are you a [ __ ] too you did me like that you did me too you were playing too so grown-ups are numbers are big ass kids giving them on some [ __ ] little ass adults so that's why I don't play with no kids Man kids man I [ __ ] kids I see see see see see Colorado will never happen to me I know I'll be looking I go on my kids watch you in here for cause the [ __ ] I can't let me see something I don't like it's gonna be a misunderstanding gonna be some furniture moving around this [ __ ] time out [ __ ] out time out time I'm playing game I don't play no goddamn game you see the kids [ __ ] up you see them see parents needs to be [ __ ] up see our generation dropped the ball see because now we've been sending them something I want to get my kids more than what we had more ain't better no more ain't better so we [ __ ] up that's why kids shooting some [ __ ] and all that type of [ __ ] that's when you come on you bring kids over to your house what you hate when you're ready to bring the kids over to the house and they jumping on on your couch just jumping and [ __ ] come over there oh he ain't gonna hurt nothing cause the [ __ ] ain't yours that's why the [ __ ] ain't gonna hurt that get that ugly bastard off my goddamn soap I'll babysit your kid all day but if you if you let me hit them I'll babysit them if you don't let me hit your kid don't bring no zombies over to my house and when you let me keep your kid you don't need no hidden cameras no videos trying to see how I'm treating them I'll tell you how I'm treating them when you come pick your kid up and he got a knot on the corner what happened to my son I took a hammer and slapped the [ __ ] out of him when he got a rope burn around his neck what that robot try to hang the [ __ ] out of that I'll tell like this I'm telling what you scared to say so I don't like no [ __ ] that's why I tell you something else I like I hate funerals black funerals oh black people make me sick I'm sick of something I ain't going to another field I ain't going to mine I went to my cousin funeral last week man that was the most aggravating experience I ever experienced in my life I told my wife I ain't going to know more for you as long as I'm black funerals be just as just as normal call for laying up there they got white curtains all around the heaven in the daytime you know the one man be singing Lord I father [Music] heavenly four [Music] and they close the call and go about their [ __ ] business one day black funerals three [ __ ] days and when he died the next day he got to take some clothes down there like he going some [ __ ] way man they lost my cousin my cousin died last week we had to go down to Mississippi to go to my cousin funeral got to the funeral board with almost four or five other funerals but they lost the body they healed that coffin up there openly mind she said that ain't my [ __ ] son you better find my [ __ ] son before I blow this [ __ ] up find my baby find my baby they roll that [ __ ] out brought in another body it was him but he had on black and that was the wrong outfit that [ __ ] had on Monty that ain't the outfit I bought him he don't like black he wouldn't be called daddy black I bought them Brown y'all better get some pride on my baby clothe the Coleman roll them to the back three minutes came back he was complete she said now that's my baby how y'all change him so quick he said we just changed hairs that's all the [ __ ] we did I swear to God I'm not lying I'm not lying my lines here I got I ain't got time left here all the hell out of change heads to [ __ ] them he did he dead what you keep saying that man we gotta sit there and watch this humbitch for three [ __ ] days you got to wait you got to go to you guys just sit there and watch this [ __ ] body and every now and then I keep breathing why they call it the wake he ain't waking up then the man when we were pretty when black person died we sure would like to tell how he died oh we want to hear how the person died over and over again how you die girl I you know I was rolling my hair and all of a sudden I heard a thump [Music] the floor he's on the floor he must have hit a heart attack there yeah he had a heart attack then because I would rule in my hair I was on the phone I had a roll I rolled my hair and I heard a thump I walked downstairs he was in the middle of the floor I saw that he or even him dead him dead I don't know what I'm gonna do I never will forget I would land up there I would roll in my house well I heard a thump I came downstairs he was laying by the sink on the floor I thought about that the other day I would rule with my [ __ ] house and he went dead and I'm so tired of black men don't black men I don't know what it is y'all got to explain to me why black ministers just can't read the word normally and John said he's coming thou shall not why he just can't read [ __ ] like that why he got a [ __ ] growl at us all goddamn [Laughter] you know Moses I came walking by and said to the piercing and come back and boom shakalaka wow man if you don't shut the [ __ ] up all that [ __ ] noise read the words sit your punk ass down why Minister just read the word and don't close the book we got the dance and hollering growl and gobble man then after they do all that they got to introduce some fat woman to come sing some songs now don't nobody know this heifer the funeral Paula people don't know and deceased family don't know anybody asked his helper to sing but she want to come scene so you can [ __ ] with the deceased family because she want to make your crown on purpose she gonna sing an old song precious Lord but she gonna rewrite this [ __ ] we're gonna have a selection from Sarah but here she comes like she's saying I don't know first giving honor took all the pasta members and Friends I'm so happy to be here this evening in the grace of God hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah I want you all to bear with me while I was attempt to sing this song Precious Lord take my hand this is how she want to make you cry bear with me I just got out the hospital just bear with me [Music] [Laughter] [Music] just a lot take my [Applause] hey [Applause] leave me on [Music] oh let me stay stand ah because I'm trying to get here ah [ __ ] if you don't put that [ __ ] microphone up put that [ __ ] down like that like I'm next or something you know hey man that's why I have no funeral you can't treat me right While I'm Alive [ __ ] it I ain't gonna know you there that's why man I just wish Michael just stage my own death look I got to do this with black people gotta do it with black people just play Come dead I ain't dead for real you know say Bernie Mac died last night so I can see the no Goods some of my [ __ ] when they come to my funeral I'll be laying in the coffin like I'm dead but I ain't dead I just want to read I just want to raise up on a few people cuss their ass out I'll be laying there like I'm dead and a person Compares I don't like [ __ ] are you doing in my goddamn thing get your goddamn ass out of my goddamn funeral kill your ass oh don't let a person come by to owe you some money that's not gonna grab the arm and [ __ ] you know oh hell no hell no you got my mind keep your [ __ ] ass kid you know you know you want to do it sometimes what you want to tell people to [ __ ] off sometimes but you scared you're afraid people ain't gonna like you you know you want to say [ __ ] off she's here for you [ __ ] off you know you said all the time man all the time when you were you know it is strange how you can tell somebody to [ __ ] off that you love oppose somebody in his own love you tell your woman your man to [ __ ] off in a minute but a person in the street you won't say [ __ ] let it go I don't want no trouble Let It Go so I'm old now man you know a lot of things I do I can't you can't do no more man you know I ain't gonna lie to you man sexually to be my number one priority you know it's nice like number eight I never thought that I had to revert to oral sex you know because I was a hammer you know what I mean you know you know I ain't know about the nail now I ain't the hammer you know and then a goddamn Shane but boy you guys know what you're doing all sexy man see every every woman see I'm gonna tell you something all sets upon life don't make you a bad person everybody in here everyone here love all sex y'all live see if a man came and touch you on your titty or put his hand on your ass you can come back then come back with the police they if that's a [ __ ] right there that's the mother freaks rapist [ __ ] that's him right there but if you Whispering a woman in a woman's ears girl I sure like to eat your ass watch machine gonna say [ __ ] she gonna go get no sleep you crazy that a [ __ ] when you want to do it and if you ain't doing man that's if it ain't done right they'll make you fight women if you don't do it right women get mad at you and me and get mad at you if you're doing oral sex a woman's hate to get up in a minute get up get up get up get up get up stop stop stop stop it's all over that sit down I do with my [ __ ] self don't sit down are you sitting there watching me and you when we get all sex and ain't done right we get mad if a woman give you a head ain't nothing wrong so we all grown if a woman give me a head it's a part of life especially with your man with your with your wife or whatever it is you like somebody your woman doing it's different she ain't doing it right it's a fight you know she'd give me hey hey hey hey hey hey your broke tooth is cutting it because it's Jagged it's jagged don't tell me what I said I know what I'm doing I'm just saying you're cutting it it's tender oh you are awesome just like with sex when you argue if you move it when the woman tell you right there she mean right there don't move with your back be hurting like a song right there you've been saying yourself be Glam and [ __ ] come you be tired you'll be right there don't move it that's when you lock it don't move it you just lock it and squeeze it hard yeah that's it that's it all sets the same way [Music] oh make me sick oh man you're gonna be looking for four more hours and then you be looking you have to come up for air just ask a question you get ready to come huh and all of a sudden you right now oh oh Buster's not you're killing me you're killing me now just suck it sucker licking lick it lick it let's see that kid their kids see now I'm strong now I know what I'm doing this is my second year I'm a sophomore yeah I had to get beat up before I learned the trick with the trade now I know the trick and I'm Trading see no long no more giving me lyrics no more knocking my tooth up in my gums see because I put my arm up in there see look what I'm doing you learn something look what I'm doing you put your arm up in there see how for Mom it's no more slow movable you put your arm up in there and you lock it and you do your business you're driving crazy they be trying to back up over but you got them locked you ain't gonna or they be screaming you trying to kill me well you know you got them you know when you do it good and you know when you're good at it when you get up in the morning they made your breakfast and they call you boo here boo you hungry boo you're goddamn right I'm hungry you've been brought down right I am hungry in a [ __ ] when you [ __ ] real good just say let me get some confidence when you know when you really treat your woman real you've done a good job you get up in the morning in your drawers your shirt off a certain walk this is a certain talk hey baby hey baby don't [ __ ] with me I'll tell you it's true

Channel: Walter Latham Comedy

Views: 486,701

Keywords: black comedy, funny videos, black comedians, funny, hilarious, Kevin Hart, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, laugh, BET, Comedy Central, SNL, No Cap, Comedy Tour

Id: WbekanEVV4M

Length: 20min 7sec (1207 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 07 2023