Hello. And welcome to another tutorial for something
that I am woefully under-qualified to teach to people. People keep asking me about my hair. And usually when I say that "people keep asking
me" about something, it's a lie. But in this case when I say that "people keep
asking me about my hair," it is the truth, and I wish it were a lie. Because I don't know what to tell you about
my hair, other than that, uh, it's been a long journey to get to this point. So here's the problem. I haven't done anything to my hair today because
I wanted to show you what it looks like when I don't do anything. This is what my hair will look like after
the process: "Voila." That's gonna be the final shot of this video. That's what I'm working toward. If you saw that and you said,
"What's the big deal?" You're correct. The thing is, I want to make this video because
I'm all about tying up loose ends. Is that a hair reference? Loose ends is not a reference...
- Karen: It's like, threading? - That's a reference to a... a knot maker. I'm all about cutting off the split ends. So that way, if you see someone in the wild
saying, "Hey, how does Brian do his hair?" You can point 'em to this video, and then
I will never have to speak on it ever again. I want to be done with this. I'm getting it done now. Let me get comfortable. Let me get comfortable. Toilet might be less safe. No free feet pics, Karen! - Karen: I'm sorry! I want to talk through the mirror. I feel like having that extra distance allows
me to reflect on my life a little bit better. Can you see yourself now? - No. - Now can you?
- Yes... I have been through so many very bad hairstyles
in my life. For most of my life I thought, "Wow, Brian,
you know what you would look good at? Maybe if you had Justin Timberlake's... um, ramen hair. You know what I would look good at?
Is if I had that high-volume sweet hair of the Jon Hamm." - Jon Hamm has, like, normal hair though. I feel like when you think about hair, you
think about, like, Kurt Russell. - I wanted Kurt Russell's hair. *Karen laughs* I realized quickly that I did not have that type of hair. There are so many pictures of me trying to have
good-looking hair from age 12 to 19. And also up until my current age which is 26. They all look bad, and it's all because I
tried to make my hair look like someone else's who did not have the same type of hair as
me. *Karen laughs* I got a hair in my mouth. I'm going to teach you literally the most
basic basics, this is how I do my hair. My hair is extremely greasy and wavy and it
does a lot of things that I don't personally like, but I've learned to accept it and embrace
it and make the most out of what my hair does. Recognize what your hair wants to do and just
nudge it in the right direction so it makes it look good. The first step in my case is that I need to
shower because I haven't done that yet today. It's noon. Um. But I'm unemployed, so... Obviously, I can't show you the full experience
of this but you just have to trust me that I'm going to now take a shower. *shower noises* I committed to this bit way
too hard, Karen. I got wet jeans! I came in here with my belt and everything! I personally use Gluttony shampoo from evo, uh, because it does not have any sulfates in it, I don't believe. *intense investigation music* *Karen laughing* It doesn't look like it has any sulfates in it. It's normally just this, I do have a conditioner for when I'm feeling really fancy, maybe I'll do that for this video! Now that I've reaped the rewards of my bit. Here is where it's going to become extremely
clear that I don't know anything about anything. I'm a big dunkus,
and I don't know shit about hair. Someone's gonna make, like, a reaction video
to this and they're gonna watch me put stuff in my hair, and they're gonna be like, "Oh, well, obviously
that's gonna make him go bald in three years." "What's he doing with his hair right there? That's uh, uh, a great way to contract gangrene." I usually use American Crew—why did I not,
like, reach out to these companies for sponsorship? This amount of the stuff! For this whole big hair! 'Cause I'm not trying to make my hair a big
greasy mess, I'm just trying... - Stop, let me get... - Can you follow it? How's the tracking going? How's the tracking shot? The thing about my hair is that I've always
had a cowlick right here in my front part of my head. I'll never be able to slick back my hair. I'll never be able to be a greaser. I'll never be able to, um... I could probably do a pompadour. But the other types of hairstyles, it's just
not gonna work for me. So what I do is I just take the amount of
Grooming Cream and I just rub it through my hair. And as you can see, I have developed this
technique for years. It keeps the hair out of my face. I kind of lightly part it in the side, and
like, that's it. But this is a fancy day, so we're gonna break
out the whole business. This is the secret ingredient that I like
to use. It's Lao Gan Ma. *booing* That's a little reference to the other video
that I made that's also a tutorial video. I don't actually put this in my hair. You could try! *cheering* But I... I wouldn't suggest it. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's a thing that other, that other
hair YouTubers would know how to do-Hair Tube? Is that a thing? Hmm. Sounds wrong. Hair Tube... *threatening bass* *whispering* Hair Tube. For real, here's the other thing that I do,
and this might come as a shock to anyone who has ever been in an American middle schooler's
locker room, I use Axe products. A thing that holds, which is what the Grooming
Cream is for, that kind of keeps my hair in place, and this, which is the Messy
Look, is like an extra sort of texturiser? Which is what I use if I want my hair to get
big and poofy. And then I just pop this baby in my hair. And that's it! Just kidding. It's not it, 'cause my hair's still wet, ya
bozo. This is mostly directed to cis men, because
I am a cis dude, and, uh... Y'all need to have hair dryers in your house. Hair drying isn't just for drying, it's for
styling. I only learned this when I was 25. I decided to go to a haircut appointment that
cost more than 15 dollars. And I was like, "Oh, I always hate getting
my hair cut this short because then I can't get this part down." And the woman was like, "Hey, you should use
a blow dryer. Do you have one of those?" And I said, "No." And she said, "Why not?" And so I bought one for 20 bucks at a CVS,
and it has changed my hair's life, and also my life! It's blow drying time, it's about to get loud. I use it on hot—I think you're not supposed
to do it on hot? If you have dyed hair or stuff, it'll really
crisp it out and make it bad. I have very low standards for my hair, so
I just, I put it on hot 'cause it makes it go fast. I kind of keep it in the positions that I want the hair to go, so in this case I go up, and over here I go back, and over here I go back... Did I ever tell you—no I'll talk about this
later. *sung* He'll talk about it later! This takes a while! There's a lot of hair! Alright. There you go. Kind of anticlimactic. But that's it. There's really nothing else that I do to get
my hair to look like this. - You want to put some hair oil in it or something? It looks very frizzy. - Karen. You're right. But the thing is... that I have never done
that before. Where's the hair oil? - It's like, the little Ghost. You have to do one squinch. - One squinch. - Is it working? - Karen, this works good! Karen, this is nice! Why haven't I been doing this? What the hell? It makes it a little more cohesive and coherent
and nice. How about that? Let me do a little hair flip now that we're
here. Voila! We've made it to the end of my hair tutorial. Except, there's still so many more minutes
on this video. Friends, I told you that this was going to
be a comprehensive hair tutorial so I would never ever ever have to do this ever again. But in order to do that, I have to go through
every hairstyle. EVERY hairstyle. So let's start with mullet maintenance. Now that I'm thinking about it, I'm thinking
it would be nicer to just, to just do a big chop! - *nervous* What?
- To just take the scissors and just... if I can use the-put a hair tie here, and just go "BOOP!" It's just hair! It'll grow back! Adieu. *sad music* You could make a nice paintbrush with this. Wow, this is just an abundance of hair. We're past the point of no return, Karen Han. - You could turn that into a locket. - I could turn it into a locket? - Mmhmm.
- Would you like that? Would you wear this lo- Am I supposed to wear
the locket of my own hair? *Karen laughs* This locket? Oh, it's my most treasured possession, it's
MY OWN HAIR. I think people would be upset with me. *Karen laughs* And... Bingo! The problem is that the rest of my hair kind
of covers it up. I probably have to cut a little more off the
top, honestly. - Oh my god! - Yeah I just needed to do a little maintenance
up here, huh? Oh yeah! Oh no, see that's-that's the mullet, baby. OH BABY! Honestly, just like, pop this into a little
rattail, and I am in business. - That is the look.
- That's the look! It's good especially because then if I get
into a big fight with someone—'cause that's what this hairstyle kinda tells me, is that
I'm gonna get into more fights. When I'm getting into a fight with someone,
I can be like, "Hey, watch yourself, you know who you're talking to?" and as soon as they're
gonna be like, "Psshhh, I don't know who you are..." I go WHHHICAH! And I hit 'em with the rattail. WHHIICAAOOO! Oh it hurts! I can, I can feel it, it gets on my head. Let me see if I can get just the sound of
it hitting my head. *hair smack* - Yup! *Karen laughing* - Yeah I could do that.
- Look at me. Yeah, that's the mullet. Yeah. - I, I hit my head so much. I, I've shaken my head around so much, I need
some water. Oh it's bad. Alright, time for the next style. "It's called, a bowl!" Do we have a bowl in this house that's big
enough for my coconut head? Oh this could be the bowl! *cracking up* You see how it's already bumping back up! The bowl cut is gonna become an issue because of this cowlick in my frickin' head! I never thought that I wanted to be a bowl
cut man, but now that I know that it's not even an option for me? I'll do a little choppa choppa this, 'cause
this needs to get off. - Wait, but not all of that, right?! Scary... - Worst case scenario, I have to buzz the
rest of my hair. - NO I don't want that! *quietly* I'm sorry... - Don't be sorry! This is perfect! If I was afraid of you screwing up my hair,
Karen, I would have gone to a hairdresser. It's in position. - Nobody @ me on social media about this. - If you get too stressed, I can come in and
cut the rest. - *whispered* I'm not stressed. You laugh!?! Okay, that's the bowl. - Oh yeah. Oh this is gonna be a good reveal. - *laughing* Yeah! I'm just so free and jaunty now! Oh I just want to do this all day long! The mullet was pretty good, but we can also
agree that the bowl cut is pretty good! *silence* - I don't know... Ah, f*** yeah, I'm a Beatle! I'm Ringo Starr's brother who went into real
estate law. The fact that it kinda automatically, just
because of my cowlick, turns it into a middle part. I look like frickin' Mandark. And I say that because it's a good thing. Let's finish cutting my hair, shall we? - Mmhmm. There's this bowl cut line here. - The bowl cut line? That's okay, we're gonna try to cut through
that! - I feel like I'm doing a bad job. - Yeah? - You just have a big bald streak right here. - Haha, oh no. Well, ain't that just the way, Karen Han? You did exactly what I wanted... - Ohhh no, look at the back of your neck! OHHHHHH. - We can just buzz it all then? - NOOO- *buzzing noises* *shaver jamming* It does
not like my hair. Just treat it kind of like a Chia Pet sort
of experience. - *snip* Nooo I made it worse, oh my God... - I love to hear BIG CUTS followed by "Oh
no I made it worse." - You're gonna be so mad. - I don't think that's true, Karen. Oh it looks perfect! - *laughing* No it doesn't!!
- Oh that looks great! You know, sometimes you start relying on your
haircut, or on your, your voice, and then Ursula comes along, and then takes it away,
and then suddenly you have to use a different aspect of your personality. And it forces you to be creative about what
you do next! You know, here's what I was gonna say. *sung* He's talking about it right now! After Stranger Things season whatever, uh,
Joe Keery went to a thing, and he had what I would describe as, um... Karen Han cut his hair. - NOOOOOO... - What I saw was a brave man who decided to
throw away the things that he had and start fresh, and rebrand! And this is gonna be a really good experience,
too, because I can show you that even with short hair, it's important to be using a hair dryer. And so if you, like me, have an issue with
this part sticking up, once you've got the part what you want to do... You want to hold it over to the side, and
then you use this... You just blow it down! And you get it nice and warm! And once that's done, what you do is you hold
it down, so that way you can blow the rest of your hair around. And bingo, you've got yourself a frickin'
haircut and a half! Are you kiddin' me? Are you joshin' me? I'd pay at least... 15 dollars for this haircut! I do just want to trim a little bit here.
- OK FINE. Sometimes you gotta do a little last minute trim. Pri-mo! Actually, I could even cut more. *snip snip snip* Again, my cowlick kind of forces me into this sort of wave experience,
but I'm alright with that, you know? The thing about hair is that it's a, it's
a growing experience both literally and metaphorically. You have to grow with your hair, you have
to grow to accept what your hair does, you have to grow to accept haircuts that might
be free and in your bathtub. And there you have it. A comprehensive tutorial on how I do my hair
from the longest it's ever been down to mullets and bowl cuts and I'd say a pretty standard
short cut! I think we've learned a lot today—I've personally
learned a lot about my hair, and about how it grows, and about how it works to cut your
own hair, and how difficult that might be. But I've had a, I've had a wonderful time,
and I think I've ended up with a pretty solid haircut that no one else will notice or have
anything to say about!
Holy shit that was funny!
Take it to r/briandavidgilbert - this sub’s for Polygon content
I hope this poster is happy now