*Original PokéRap plays* Good evening class. Seems the registrar overbooked this one. I'm already sweaty and the show hasn't started
'cause I had the bright idea to hide under a table for 20 minutes. Uh, I got a question for you: How are we feeling
tonight? *cheers* That's wonderful, that's wonderful. Now that that’s out of your system, I do
need absolute silence. This is a lecture, okay? There will be no audience participation. The goal is education, not entertainment. Pat, start the hype-up music. *hype-up music starts* What you are about to see is the culmination
of decades of research. I have developed this work and I am sharing
it here, at PAX East, for the benefit of the masses. Today, my peers will stop laughing at me. Today, they will start seeing me as a person
who is worthwhile. Not someone who, in the words of my mother, puts “a lot of research into things that have very little meaning." They'll see me as an artistic genius, that's
right, and incomparably handsome. That's the other thing, I forgot to mention
that little part. This magnum opus... I have unraveled and shall perform the perfect
PokéRap. Let's go! *hype music plays* Yes! Come on! There we go, there we go! Hiya! But not just yet. Um, I have to do... I got a couple other things that I gotta take
care of before we get to the PokéRap part of this. I have a couple things. You see, in order to get this PAX space, I
had to sign a contract. And this contract was very explicit in its
understanding that I would not only perform the full PokéRap, which is defined as including
all 812 names of the Pokémon. But before I do that, I have to explain my
process. Now this is being enforced, this contract,
by the enforcers. Hello, thank you all so much for doing that. Yeah give them a hand! They're doing an amazing job this weekend. It's wonderful. Uh, it is being enforced by them, and they
will kill me if I do not see it done before the end of this panel time. Thank you for your service. Now you might be wondering, *Audience says
“Brian, is a perfect PokeRap worth all this hardship?”* Again, no audience participation. But of course. Of course it is worth the hardship. Look, magnificent goals are worth the challenges
it takes to reach them. You want to know where I learned that tasty
morsel? From the original PokéRap. You see, back when I was a child, I loved
Pokémon, but I loved Pokémon for foolish and childish reasons. I loved them for their names. I loved them for their designs. My favorite Pokémon was Tangela. It's just a tumbleweed and some Jordans. What's not to love? I had a Tangela I nicknamed Terry in my Pokémon
Blue version. I loved him, I kept him with me at all times. He was wonderful. But then I heard the original PokéRap, and
it taught me that things were only worth doing if you did them the most. It's the completionist's philosophy. You gotta catch ‘em all. And so I put my childish ways behind me and
I began to collect every single Pokémon. But in order to complete my Pokédex, I had to go to KEVIN PUNT. Kevin Punt... was a jerk, but he was a jerk
who had Pokémon Red version, and I needed a Growlithe and an Arcanine in order to
complete my Pokédex. That's only in Pokémon Red. And I was ready, I went over to his house... I was so excited to trade and finally complete
that Pokédex. I had a Vulpix ready to go, that seems fair
to trade for a Growlithe. And then Kevin said he only wanted Terry,
because he knew that Terry was my favorite Pokémon. And he, and I quote, said that he wanted me
to give up something I loved. Which is legitimately a wild thing for an
8-year-old to request. Which is why it doesn't surprise me that Kevin
Punt… is in jail now. It's true. Just kidding, I don't know what Kevin Punt's
up to. He's probably a real estate agent or something. But he could be in jail. HE CERTAINLY DESERVES TO BE. So I gave up Terry, and I completed my Pokédex. That’s how far I’m willing to go in order
to reach my goals. And today, my goal is to give you the perfect
PokéRap. Let's split this presentation up: 1. The shortcomings of the original PokéRap. 2. The development of a better PokéRap. 3. The performance of the perfect PokéRap. I just tried to do some JoJo poses, did it
work? Alright, so, let's begin. The shortcomings of the original PokéRap,
or what I like to call it: Why the original PokéRap is a travesty. Now this might seem a little bit harsh, but
that’s because you are viewing it through nostalgia goggles, and over the next five
minutes I'm gonna take those off your face and replace them with the pragmatic transitions
lenses of reality. I am looking around the audience... I'm realizing that some of you might be too
young to have heard the original PokéRap, and for those people: BUCKLE UP, this is gonna
be a fun presentation. But I'll just synopsize it: it was a "rap"
that listed all 150 of the original Pokémon. Played at the end of every episode of the
original TV series. And that brings us to our first shortcoming: The original PokéRap is a mid-2000s suburban mother’s conception of rap. The rhymes. The flow. Are bad. Now, I feel comfortable calling it this because
the only difference between me and a mid-2000s suburban mother is a few more trips to Nordstroms. That’s my own suburban mother, and... But the rhyme scheme. Terrible terrible. Not only is there a line that rhymes Horsea
with Weepinbell, a slant rhyme so terrible even Emily Dickinson would vomit. There are English majors in this group, hell
yeah, alright! But even if you ignore the rhyme scheme, you
can't ignore the flow. It is what we in the industry call “Educational
Rap Flow." And that's defined as a rap wherein you could
include an anti-drug line and it wouldn’t sound out of place. For example: Ditto, Cloyster, Caterpie, Sandshrew. Friend’s got weed? Just say no thank you! Second shortcoming. It is a bad grocery list of Pokémon. The writers didn’t do anything to differentiate
the Pokémon. Take this line: Dratini, Growlithe, Mr. Mime,
Cubone. Not only are these four Pokémon completely
different elemental types, they're totally different in quality. The emotional whiplash I feel going from Dratini,
what a sweet one! Oh, Growlithe, a nice cute fire puppy, isn't
tha- OH GOD. OH NO no no no no no no. Please get- NO! Oh no no no. Cub-I'm okay. See, the writers were so focused on putting
all 150 names in... they forgot to make a good song. Oopsie daisy! See most songs have cohesive themes, they
build to something, end on a high note! You want to know the final Pokémon of the
original PokéRap? It's Arbok. Not the graceful Articuno, whose very breath
could freeze a man in an instant. No. It’s Arbok. Whose main powers include... being a snake. And that leaves us with our third and final
shortcoming. Now this one might get me in a little bit
of hot water, but here's the thing. I'm not afrai of stoking controversy if it
means I can say the truth. Okay? So the original PokéRap... is no gesamtkunstwerk. That's right, I went there! *AIR HORNS BLARING* Yeah! I'll say it again! But we all know what a gesamtkunstwerk is,
so I'm going to carry on. Section two: The development of a better PokéRap. Now we have our three shortcomings, so in
theory, all we need to do is fix those. And we'll have a better PokéRap. That's it! Except... if you'll remember back at the very
beginning, I signed a contract saying I'd list all 812 Pokémon in the PokéRap or else
the enforcers would perform MMA on my body. Again, thank you for your service. So we have some limitations here. So the original one has a 50 PPM, that's a
rate of Pokémon per minute. If we keep that same rate, then we're going
to end up with a 16 minute and 15 second song. Uh oh. That’s too long. If I forced you to sit through 16 minutes
of me just listing Pokémon, I would deserve to be in jail. WITH KEVIN PUNT. *righteous anger* But, we up that rate to 96, we'll end up with
an eight and a half minute song. And that's totally normal everyone listens to eight and a half minute songs please don't question it okay? Okay. So let's fix some shortcomings shall we. First one, how do we make a mid-2000s suburban
mother’s conception of rap into something that's listenable. Now, I would never claim to be an expert rapper. I'll go on the record: I am not a rapper. But I do claim to be an expert in one thing
that will help us make this PokéRap a little bit sexier: Feet. Metrical, like, poetic feet, I should have
phrased that differently I think? Maybe? *Audience says “Brian, are you really going to use your creative writing degree to help create a PokéRap?"* THAT WAS SUCH
AN OBVIOUS TEST. HOW DID YOU FAIL THE "NO AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION"
THING AGAIN. I SWEAR. But since you asked nicely, am I that type
of person? I am...b. That's a metrical foot. You might not know it. But for real metrical feet are going to help
us out so much. You see, there are a bunch of different metrical
feet, and they're going to help us with the flow of the rap. We have this unique, weird songwriting problem
with the PokéRap in that we have all of the lyrics already written. It's just all of the Pokémon names. So we've gotta piece them in to make something
that's good. It's kind of like if I bought 12 IKEA cabinets
and then I used the pieces to build a Gundam. So I made a spreadsheet. Because that's what I do these days. I make a lot of spreadsheets. I took all of 812 of the names. I split them up by rhyming phoneme. I split them up by metrical foot. But we're gonna talk about one metrical foot
in specific. It's called a dactyl. It's got three syllables. It's a stressed followed by two unstressed. And this is super important to us because
it's gonna give us our "triplet flow." Or our Migos flow, Versace flow, it's used
in mumble rap a lot. Whatever you call it, it's gonna help me say
a lot of Pokémon names in quick succession without sounding like a cop. So here's an example of one Pokémon that's
a dactyl. It's Tangela. TAN-gela. Another one would be Arcanine. AR-canine. Tangela, Arcanine, Tangela, Arcanine, Tangela,
Arcanine, Kevin Punt made me trade Terry for Arcanine and I WILL NEVER FORGIVE HIM. I'm sorry, Pat, we can go to the next slide. Okay so, second shortcoming. This is a pretty easy fix. We just differentiate the Pokemon by their
elemental type. But let's remember, quality is important. If we split them up by fighting type, then we might take Machamp, who is a super powerful, wonderful Pokémon. And put him next to Conkeldurr, God's mistake
in the Pokémon universe. *thinly veiled disgust* But speaking of Pokémon gods, there are in
fact literal Pokémon gods. Arceus up there, they supposedly created all
Pokémon. And it feels kind of weird to put the mythical,
legendary, and ultra beast Pokémon in with the Pokémon peasantry as I call them. Because if you did that you might put Arceus
next to Bidoof. And that’s kind of like if I made a list
of characters that are popular in America and I put Jesus... next to Garfield. Technically, I’m not wrong, okay? But I should probably plan it better. And then the third. This one's simple, we just make it a gesamtkunstwerk,
obviously. *takes a BIG SIP* But in case you’re getting
it confused with the architectural understanding of gesamtkunstwerk, and no one would fault
you for that, it happens to me all the time, I’ll specify we’re talking about Richard
Wagner’s understanding of the gesamtkunstwerk as an all-encompassing artwork that is unified
through theatre. I'm the only one who cares about this, BUT! The thing about gesamtkunstwerks is that we
have to put it in the theatrical realm we're talking about. So we're talking about rap, we're talking
about song. That means we're gonna be talking about musical
theatre. And that was a bit of a difficulty for me,
because I've never done musical theatre before. I had to do a lot of extra research, this
was like an extra week of time on thing that we can... This slide wasn't in rehearsals, Patrick. But if you're gonna put me on blast, yes,
I did musical theatre in high school, but I don't think that counts for much, I didn't
do much after that. I just, like, you know, that doesn't mean
that I'm an expert in musical theatre, I haven't done any… I was in an a capella group, Patrick, does
that count as musical theatre? I don't think so, we can go to the next slide,
okay? JESUS CHRIST. PATRICK. GO TO THE NEXT SLIDE, OKAY? Go to the next slide! Next slide! Next slide! Please! Go to the next... Patrick. How did... Go... I'm not even on Facebook anymore, Patrick,
did my mom send you these? Go-next one! Next one. Pat. Next one. Next one. *Pat - I'm going as fast as I can.* You can...
you can go faster, I can press... *Pat - I'm going as fast as I can go!* Patrick. Please, what, just go. *resigned acceptance* So gesamtkunstwerks
are... The thing about the gesamtkunstwerk is that
it's more of a process than anything else. It's what you do with the things you have. So we have two incredible building blocks
with these two first shortcomings that we fixed, and we're gonna use them to create
something... like the clay to mold into something special, spectacular. And originally I was going to come here to
make a fun PokéRap. It was going to be a perfect one but
it was going to be fun. Something that, I don't know, you'd memorize
to impress your friends at school or whatever. But now I realize that this is something you
could use to audition for Julliard. I don't care about making the perfect PokéRap
anymore… I am making the perfect SONG. So. How are we gonna do this? First things first, we gotta pay homage to
the original PokéRap. That's simple. Let's throw in some educational rap. You know? But this time we'll put actual education into it. And because this is a gesamtkunstwerk, we
can use different types of theatre to differentiate the Pokémon. Different disciplines of theatre. So for example, the psychic Pokémon, I'll
be doing a contact juggling performance. And for the ghost Pokémon, those will be
read in eulogy form, so I hope you brought your tissues. There will be a live sandpainting of every
eeveelution. Paul Giamatti is here. Going to perform the full Jigglypuff song... in full costume. There will be ice sculptures. Fireworks. One of these cups is poisoned! There will also be the Blue Man Group. And they will fight to the death for your
entertainment. And if everyone checks under their chairs
right now, go ahead, feel free... You'll find NOTHING THERE. THERE IS NO AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION. And I’ve been thinking about those Pokémon
gods. The legendaries, the mythicals, the ultra
beasts. How could I possibly sing about them without
lessening their power. How could I possibly talk about their divine
omnipotence? Verbalize their otherworldly grace? Catch such a dream from the air? That’s right. INTERPRETIVE DANCE. You see there’s this thing in musical theatre,
it's called a dream ballet, and it's when the writers aren't good enough to express
emotions through words, and so they just make people dance them out for them. And so I've hired the Nederlands Dans Theatre
to create a 30-minute movement piece that will encapsulate all 81 of the mythical, legendary,
and ultra beast Pokémon. Leaving us with the most perfect song ever
written, coming in at a runtime of about four hours and 30 minutes. Which is, granted, a little bit longer than
the eight and a half minutes I had originally planned for. But here's the thing. Every single one of those seconds is ethereal,
it's wonderful, it's- ah we do not have enough time to finish this. Oh god. If I don’t finish this before the end of
the panel time, then... the enforcers will knee strike my vital organs. Look, I know it’s not your fault, you've
done a lot of great work today, I really appreciate it, and I can't, like, you know... great job. What's your name? *Enforcer says "Matt"* Matt? Matt, was it? ANOTHER TEST. NO AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION, MATT. But, like, what does it even matter. You know? I've already lost it all. I can't perform the whole thing. It's kind of like... when I gave up Terry
to Kevin Punt. Just so that I could finish my PokéRap. I was so blinded by the glory of success that
I gave up everything that was important to me in the process. In this instance, it's my life. But I can't give up, we can cut it down. We'll cut the whole contact juggling performance. You know what, actually, we're just gonna
have to smoosh together all of the Pokémon types, I know I said I wouldn't do that. We'll have to trim some names. We'll do an abridged dream ballet, I guess,
which means the Nederlands Dans Theatre can GO HOME NOW. Okay, they're fine. And that would leave us with eight and a half
minutes or so? Which is still... it's still performable. But I'd have to cut... I'd have to cut like 400 Pokémon names in
order to do that. And the contract specifically says I need
to say all 812 of them or else I will die. It's like... There's no physical way that one person can
say all of those Pokémon names. *sits sadly* *Audience says “Brian, what if we help?”* Audience participation? Oh my god, you're right, one person can’t
say 400 names, but 300 people could. Alright, that's perfect. Let's take the whole right side. I need you to just choose some of these names. Okay? It's not that hard. Just pick 'em at random. Whichever ones you want to go ahead and say. If you can't read them all the way back there,
just make some up, that's fine. And on the count of three, I need you to yell
them out as quickly as possible. Are you ready? 3 2 1… *Right side definitely yells out all of the
names perfectly.* STOP! Okay. Same with you. This list now. Okay? Just go ahead and choose, again, two or three
of them, whichever ones you want to pick. Different sections. You ready? 3 2 1... *Left side also perfectly says every name
on the list.* Stop. Technically, there’s a high probability
that all of those Pokémon... They just got said. Those names just got said. And there’s no way Matt over here can verify
it didn't happen! So we're good! WE CAN DO THIS! Okay. During the educational rap section, remember
this, educational rap, I'm gonna call on the right side and then I'm gonna call on the left side and you're gonna need to yell those out, okay? Got it? But can we... Can we really call this shortened version
still perfect? Yeah. Yeah we can. I was thinking back to that younger version
of myself who was... He was so excited to complete his Pokédex,
and yet he was so empty without his Terry. Kevin Punt might have given me the final Pokémon,
but he took my world from me. My "perfect" Pokédex wasn't perfect. You know what was perfect? My ragtag team of Pokémon led by the indefatigable
Terry the Tangela. That was perfect. And in the same way, this PokéRap is perfect
because of the ones we've kept. Okay? The original PokéRap taught us the wrong
lesson. It is not that we should catch them all. It is that we should love the ones we catch. But again, I do still need you to yell out
those Pokémon names, 'cause if you don't, Matt will murder me! Are we ready to perform this? *cheers* Okay. Okay. One second, before we hop in. I, um... I was originally planning on completing this,
ending on Arceus, the highest of the god Pokémon. I don’t think that’s right anymore. I think I should include a little memory of
my favorite boy. Because if I can’t have Terry back in my
life, the least I can do is immortalize him in song. So Terry... This one's for you. I want to be the best (best, best, best). Be the best (best, best). Bulbasaur, Charmander, Squirtle. Caterpie, Butterfree, Wurmple. Scorbunny, Sobble, and Grookey. Lickitung and Lickilicky. Haxorus, Cofagrigus. Poliwrath, Mismagius. Fraxure, Crabrawler, Dewpider. Shellder, Cloyster, Haunter, Grimer. Golurk, Luxio. Swampert, Lilligant, Tynamo. Seismitoad, Politoed, Palipitoad, Seel. Parasect, Trevenant, Toxapex, Spheal. Mandibuzz, Scatterbug, Graveler, Pelipper. Elgyem, Pikipek, Clawitzer, Conkeldurr. Probopass, Scolipede, Delibird, Ursaring. Blaziken, Fennekin, Quilladin, Nidoking. SKRELP. Alakazam, Patrat. Woobat, Swoobat, Crobat. Golbat, Zubat. Poochyena, Carracosta. Teddiursa, Umbreon. Alomomola, Chikorita. Gothorita, Drudigon. Snorunt, Tyrunt, Charjabug. Ninjask, Yamask, Avalugg. Finneon, Drapion, Jolteon, Sylveon. Glaceon, Espeon, Jigglypuff. Igglybuff, Wigglytuff. Dhelmise, Servine, Rockruff. Porygon, Porygon Z.
Porygon2, Rimbombee. Skuntank, Klang, Klinklang. Miltank and Metang. Luxray. Pidgey, Hitmonlee. Skitty, Happiny. Mudbray. Lotad, Durant, Serperior. Gourgeist, Stoutland, Exeggutor. Abra, Seadra, Nidorina. Dewott, Chesnaught, Primarina. Omanyte, Dragonite, Charizard. Magnemite, Meditite, Dusknoir. Ivysaur, Venusaur, Minior, Garbodor. Ariados, Tyranitar. Glameow, Meowth, Exploud. Wobbuffet, Furret, Bellsprout. Starmie, Starly, Frogadier. Delcatty, Escavalier. Venonat, Poliwag, Hippopotas. Spinarak, Marowak, Jumpluff, Feebas. Foongus, Amoongus, and Pidgeotto. Weepinbell, Victreebel, Hakamo-o. Aurorus, Aromatisse. Medicham, Mamoswine, Slurpuff, Flabébé. Feraligatr, Eevee. Sigilyph, Elekid, Anorith, Inkay. (Gotta catch ‘em all) Rowlet, Golett, Honedge,
Archen, Croconaw. (Gotta catch ‘em all) Sentret, Pignite,
Bergmite, Mantyke, Kakuna. Sudowoodo, Wishiwashi. Popplio, Abomasnow. Charmeleon, Darumaka. Hariyama, Sharpedo. Whiscash, Raticate, Sableye. Sandslash, Kricketune, Cutiefly. Beautifly, Togepi, Volcarona. Magnezone, Lunatone, Roggenrola. Samurott, Oshawott, Whimsicott, Kangaskhan. Larvitar, Pupitar, Omastar, Kecleon. Togekiss, Simisage, Nidoqueen, Cottonee. Forretress, Salamence, Jellicent, Bunnelby. Piloswine. Carnivine. Illumise and Remoraid. I think we are done with the triplet rap. So now let’s rap to educate. Alright. Here we go! Are ya ready friends, hey come on! Let’s learn a little something from the
Pokémon! There’s Persian and Mudsdale, Donphan and
Huntail. Sandygast, Nosepass, Frosslass, Lapras! I love to say the Pokémon, but here’s the
catch, Saying them all kinda seems Farfetch'd! Let me Axew a question? Want to help me out? It’s time to Throh in more names! Come on give me a shout! *Right side yells 200 names perfectly*
Those Pokémon are Tentacool! *Left side also yells all the names they need
to yell* And those Pokémon are trash! Combee my friend, I’ve got more to say. And if we Diglett-le deeper, we can learn
today! So why not get Comfey, Don’t be Krabby or
blue! Here are some lessons, and I Rotom for you. If you Muk around in class, you’ll be distraught! Don’t Bidoof-us, just study a lot! If you’re Slaking in school, you’ll drop
out sooner! And abstinence is key, or you’ll get a Mime
Jr. Swanna grab some candy for a sweet treat? Amaura-mazing snack is Pichu can eat! Bewear of Shiftry strangers who offer you
hugs. Don’t stick forks into Eelectrik plugs. Wear a Shelmet when you Rhydon bikes. Keep a well-stocked Bagon extra long hikes! Make sure to stay away from that Ferroseed. And that’s just one name people have for
weed! There’s Pansage, and Slowbro, Oddish, and
Bonsly. Tropius, Seedot, Nuzleaf, and Stunky! And Blissey, Loudred, Dewgong and Goodra. Bounsweet, Bayleef, Hypno, and Munna! You’ll be Drowzee if you Swellow that Tangrowth
smoke. Also Koffing and Weezing, hey, you might Machoke! So if someone says, “Hey, want some dank
Lombre?” Look ‘em Dedenne the eye, and say NO WAY! I tell you Natu do drugs, but if someone’s
smoking Treecko, Does that make them a bad person? Definitely no! Don’t mean to carr-Yanma point in this verse
is that alienating drug users makes things worse! Don’t lock someone up if they take a Hitmonchan. And criminalizing addicts is a really bad
plan. Big pharma is the root of our country’s
problem with opiate addiction. Golem. Gastly, Horsea, Chansey, Burmy. Clefairy, Mankey, Klefki, Goomy. Hoo! Rapping’s hard, let me catch my breath. Might as well check how many we’ve got left! There’s less than 150 left. Can I really do this? I used to have this dream. Back when I was a child. I’d make the PokéRap listenable. And everybody called me reckless and wild. But I never gave up. I kept at it everyday! And with Pikachu beside me and my 'dex to
guide me, I knew that there’d be a way. To ignore all of the naysayers,
I’d need a thicker skin than Metapod. Wynaut leave my comfort zone, jump in
the Unown. Maybe someday everyone will applaud. It’s Absol-utely worth taking a risk. Plusle make a few friends as I try. Seaking how to be strong as I Raichu a song. Though I still don’t know where to put Mr.
Mime. But who cares if I couldn’t find a good
place to put Togedemaru, Pyukumuku, Mawile, Sceptile, Weavile, Sandile, Helioptile, Leafeon,
Gengar, Malamar, Marshtomp, Chatot, Simipour, Ferrothorn, Toxicroak, Minccino, Cinccino,
Azumarill, Tranquill, Excadrill, Marill, Beedrill. And Togetic, Basculin, Gigalith, Crabominable,
Kingdra, Ambipom, Gastrodon, Bastiodon, Hippowdon, Vivillon, Bisharp, Liepard, Dunsparce, Aipom,
Slakoth, Ralts, Dustox. I still found a way to put ‘em in there! No matter the Scizor the scope of the task. Don’t need a Magikarp-et ride. I’Machamp-ion, hero, there’s nothing to
Fearow. My true power comes from inside. And that brings us all the way to the top. I’ve said every name I can say. I’ll let my body confess the names that
I can’t express. Yes it’s time for the DREAM BALLET! COME ON! *INTERPRETIVE DANCE* *INTERPRETIVE DANCE WITH A FRIEND* But there’s one Pokémon, my own holy grail. That I gave Kevin Punt, I hope that bastard’s
in jail. 'Cause of all Tangelas, Terry is the apex. And I gave him up for my 'dex. When you love Terry terribly, and then Terry
is gone. What’s the point of having every other Pokémon? There’s a wound in my heart that I can’t
get rid of! *quiet sobs* How can I find joy... without my tangly boy? Why catch them all if you can’t keep the
ones that you love. Terry! Oh Terry… *desperate dancing* Thank you all so much for coming! You have been an incredible audience. Thank you. Give it up for Pat Gill over here! He's a good one. Thank you thank you thank you.
