Most Savage Comebacks To An Insult People Have Ever Heard (r/AskReddit)

what is the greatest comeback during salt you've ever heard a friend in high school on our way to a track meet he was staring at a car in the parking that was really nice when this bag saw him back why bothering looking at that when you know you'll never be able to get one my friend the same reason you watch porn the entire bus erupted and it's still one of the funniest things i've ever heard a dude in my class called out a semi-friend of mine that people are talking behind his back in fact that wasn't the case as far as i know and that guy said well you know what to say about you nothing nobody effing cares i'm just impressed that you're friends with a semi so there was two girls fighting and one of them looks at my sister who was minding her own business and says you go to hell too my sister do you want me to say anything to your mom it's got to be the aliens locker room scene for me hudson hey vasquez have you ever been mistaken for a man vasquez no have you english class in middle school kiddo yo kid b your mama waited on me at mcdonald's last night must feel like having a mom that works at mcdonald's it'd be at least my mom gets out of bed to go to work english teacher far louder than he realized damn the rest of us were laughing so hard the teacher next door popped her head in to see what was going on context john oliver from hbo interviews stephen hawking may he rest in peace j.o and there may be a universe where i am more intelligent than you there may even be a universe where you are funny i lost count of how many times i've seen that video and it still makes me laugh the whole interview is just hilarious overheard by me the school bus driver one fifth grade student was belittling a first grader when it was time for a comeback first grader shouts out congratulations the bewildered fifth grader had nothing to say and went to sit down with her friends in the back of the bus okay that's kind of effing adorable joe pine interviewing frank zappa joe i guess your long hair makes you a woman f said i guess your wooden leg makes you a table how does a dude named pine have a wooden leg what if it's mahogany or oak hahaha i didn't even think about that good stuff not even clever but one of my favorite zapper lines because it's so outlandish is may yosh come to life and kiss you on the face nobody looks good with brown lipstick was that just zappa's way of saying don't be a kissey many many years ago when we were about 18 a friend of mine was arguing with another person we knew this person was trying to be a badass and intimidate my buddy he says my feet are registered without missing a beat my friend replies where health's annotation 40 years later i still crack up at this when it comes to mind a guy makes fun of his bold friend by rubbing his head and saying wow your head is as smooth as my wife's bottom the friend also rubs his head and says well you're right that had to hurt i asked my mother why she always wears makeup despite being in her 40s she told me she wears makeup so she doesn't look like me savage someone yelled out in a walmart i'm not ashamed of who i am another voice echoed back that's your parents job back in middle school i was at walmart with a friend of mine looking for pants being a tomboy i like to wear baggy boys pants nor did i wear makeup another kid came up to me and snarkily asked pfft what are you a boy or a girl and without missing a beat i responded why do you think i'm hot he just got flustered and walked away mumbling obscenities this was the 90s so that gender question actually was insulting to my 14 year old brain not the greatest but i still hold pride for my quick wit back then too bad that's all gone now for some reason everyone in high school thought i was a lesbian so a straight dude in my grade walked by me and was trying to make fun of me gabash and said well at least i don't like girls i just kinda stared at him and waited for it to click i used to work with this like 70 year old woman she was our supervisor and one day one of the ladies who worked with us told this old lady to kiss maya and the old lady replied where do i start you're so fat your crack goes all the way up your back gran gran how many times do we have to tell you we are not a crematorium during ww1 switzerland had a tiny standing army but they were very skilled marksmen wilhelm i of germany asked what 250k swiss troops would do if he decided to invade with 500k german troops the swiss said shoot twice and go home switzerland is actually neutral now in part because they were such good fighters many european countries hired swiss mercenaries to fight for them at least that's what i heard in a youtube video yeah but nowadays is just to avoid getting wrecked by any enemy switzerland might face since it is in the middle of europe and with a very small army and that good sir is how getting swiss cheese got the definition we know today it sounds right but i don't know enough about cheese to dispute it david letterman i'm not as dumb as i look tina fey how could you be 18th century british radical politician john wilkes was told in parliament by a political opponent sir i do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the box wilkes shot back with that depends my lord on whether i embrace your lordship's principles or your mistress imagine hitting someone with such a burn that people are discussing it 250 years later if you weren't so stupid what would you be asks the husband the wife replies without even skipping a beat single i was the one insulted but not the one with the comeback i was out with a co-worker and her friends and my buddy and i were leaving a little too early for her sensibilities she jokingly got up in my face and said smell that smells like psy guy playing at the pool table next to us stepped forward and said i'm sorry that must be me i just ate it was amazing smooth goddamn that man knew what he was doing definitely a great comeback but not to an insult more to an annoyance i was a camp counselor for a few years at a summer camp one day my group took a hike to large rock where we had lunch my campers were between 8 and 10 years old this one kid we'll call jeff keeps poking another kid we'll call matt in my group to look at this hole in the rock it's so cool it's like six inches deep and the other kid is clearly getting annoyed just trying to eat his lunch he keeps shoving sticks into the hole and trying to get everybody to look at it finally matt just puts down his sandwich looks at jeff and goes i'll be six inches deep in your mom later if you don't shut up i was trying so hard to be stern with this kid for saying something so inappropriate but i kept cracking up it was just such a disproportionately ridiculous thing to say coming from a nine-year-old to be fair those are impressive numbers from a nine-year-old my grandma got into a fight at the grocery store with a guy who told my nine-year-old brother to move the f out of the way there were going at it and his final words were suck my dick b she said across the store if i could find it b grammar don't play you had me at my grandma got into a fight at the grocery store there's a story about margot asquith a british socialite and author beating jean harlow and correcting harlow's mispronunciation of her first name no no the t is silent as in hollow there's a story about margot asquith a british socialite and author beating jean harlow and correcting harlow's mispronunciation of her first name no no the t is silent as in hollow same era i guess roughly an actor and a writer who hated each other were meeting some executive and waiting in his office together cold silence between them till the writer said your face has deep lines your writing doesn't was the instant reply chelsea handler told russell brand the way you are looking at me makes me want to cover my vagina he replied mama if i had a rubber glove i'd do it for you crowd burst into laughter and she even acknowledged that was good my grandparents used to bicker my grandmother generally came out on top as she was fierier one time though she was asking him to do a bunch of stuff and he muttered if you'd lose some weight you could do it yourself she fixed her gaze on him and glowed i'm thinking of getting rid of about 200 pounds of useless fat immediately he replied you're going to cut off your foot man nobody because like old married couples bicker they've had decades to perfect their craft also they know practically everything about each other including what will really hit home damn quiet guy in my art class got called queerbait he replied with if i'm the bait then you're the catch of the day my ten-year-old cousin was pushed aside by an older student at school who also felt the need to call him a gay child my cousin told him not to get his hopes up you wish became the kryptonite to gay jokes in my elementary school for a while growing up on a construction site one afternoon different trades were working in the same area likes elite team sports the sparkies always hang with the sparkies and the turd wranglers always hang with the turd wranglers and any time they are together it turns into a pointless dick measuring contest usually not literally one particularly childish exchange saw two men chopping back and forth my dick biggest blah blah blah finally one of them spits out this classic i've got girth like a can of con and the clap back was unforgettable but you've got length like a can of tuna everyone busted up mr gurth tried to hide his embarrassment but was tied up no comeback and a room of men laughing uncontrollably good times i must know the other names for the rest of the trades what are you looking at i'm still trying to find out when i used to say what are you looking at to my mum she used to say i don't know the label fell off saw a clip of a stand-up comedian the other day and he says something along the lines of the first time i had sex it was terrible the first time i had sex and a woman chimes in with you mean yesterday crowd laughs for a while and while the comedian is waiting for them to calm down you can see the gears turn in his head once it gets down to basically a few chuckles he just says glad you remember and the crowd just lost this it was amazing okay now we need the source of this clip a friend of mine was getting beated by these two identical twin girls in a class i had once he replied with a troubling look on his face and said if you two are identical how come only one of you are hot that dude played the long game as those two girls looked rather perplexed for the rest of the session fixed i have something similar have a group text made up of five people it's called three of my favorite people sorry on this topic if you want to incite inside chaos go on a girl's instagram and find a group photo of three or more then comment you two look great okay satan i expected a better insult from someone of your upbringing and education lol my mom was a librarian and pulled this one on a rude patron are you getting smart with me would you be able to tell savage librarians are my favorite thing in the world glenn mcgraw aussie cricketer got frustrated with edo brandes as his every attempt to stump brandis failed this is what happened next mcgraw why are you so fat brandis because every time i f your wife she gives me a biscuit i always liked marshv botham marsh how's your wife and my two kids botham replies the wife's fine the kids are [ __ ] though on an indian roast show there were two bold twin brothers and the roaster told the mew to confuse me on a biological level you two look like testicles but you are both a-holes i am still waiting for an opportunity to use that not heard but read easily the spartans reply to philip by eye of mason as philip i of mason was conquering greek city-states left and right sparta was left alone philip had achieved a crushing victory and sparta was relatively weak and without walls philip sent a message to the spartans saying if i invade laconia you will be destroyed never to rise again the spartans replied with one word if this is actually where the word lechonic came from most ancient accounts make the spartan sound like the masters of trash talk the persians also told them at one point their arrows would blot out the sun and the spartan replied that it would be nice to fight in the shade also it's a long repeated response but when they were told to lay down their arms their response was which roughly translates to come and take them i've been called worse things by better people for context this was famously said by former canadian prime minister pier trudeau when he found out richard nixon called him an a-hole i didn't know that that's awesome my friend's mom said it when her son called her a bee one of my co-workers was cold calling customers trying to get appointments to drum up business one of them told him to go f his hand and he responded but i've got that penciled in 4-3 i should be done by four if you'd like to come in for an appointment then the guy laughed his a off and ended up coming in for the appointment i was bullshitting with a couple of buddies and may have suggested that i banged one of their moms to which said friend replied my mom's dead my mouth bypassed my brain and replied that explains the dirt jesus dude she was already dead bravo you sure do talk a lot for never saying anything in mexico we use the word canton flea for that it comes from a comedian with a long career from the 30s to the 80s named cantinflas and that was his shtick talking too much but never saying anything this happened about five years ago now there was this one annoying kid in my math class in high school being loud ignoring the teacher he was mixed race only bringing this up because it's related he's talking rather loudly with a guy next to him teacher tells him shut the hell up kid makes a point that he's half black and being mean to him is racist some stupid like that teacher looks him dead in the eyes and says i was talking to your white half stupid hands down my favorite teacher me we should learn from our mistakes my friend so that's why you have a younger sister easy now don't let your brains go to your head dude bragging i got a big dick friend what happened someone break one off in your a my grandma asked my cousin who'd had lots of partners and two kids at this point if she was ever going to get married cousin it's not the same nowadays we don't buy cars without test driving them first grandma yeah but they don't let you put a hundred thousand miles on them either point goes to granny i have a bunch but one of the more memorable ones was back in eighth grade for context i didn't make the basketball team seventh grade but i made the team in eighth grade this kid that was on the team the previous year but didn't make it currently was really upset and telling me how bad i am and blah blah blah i told him that if he is better than me then why didn't he make the team and he replied with it's just cause of my grades bro so i replied with oh so you're just terrifying stupid then he gave up cause it was either except that he was bad or accept he was an idiot so the classic you're adopted at least my parents chose to have me had a friend growing up who had an adopted brother a year or so younger they would always talk shin fight a bit here and there and one time my friend says to his brother that he was adopted and can go f off he knew he was adopted and without missing a bt shot back at my friend yeah well clearly you weren't enough for mom and dad that's why they bought me yes he used the word bought i was 14 or 15 and had a quiet nerdy friend with really bad acne my older brother had these three friends all brothers two three four years older than me and my friend they were all gangster started their own gang which i always thought was really funny me and my friend walked in the front door my brother and his friends were all sitting at the tv playing hello one of the brothers looked at my friend and said holy sham i got two words for you a cne pad sam replied cool and i got two words for you johnny speech therapy the guy had a pretty bad stutter he jumped right up and started trying to fight my friend as long as i could remember after that he wanted to fight sam but we just ignored them i don't know why this stuck with me for so long it was such perfect delivery and shut down of a bully son dad you don't know how to make a joke dad i made you son you [ __ ] dad yes come on stop telling me how to live my life i don't tell you how to live your life it's not like i come down to the docks at night knocking the sailor's [ __ ] out of your mouth jimmy carr puts down heckle as like a gentleman boss i was warned about you before the show actually by your mum she said my dad's coming to see your show at least i think that's what she said she had her mouth full at the time i assume she was talking to me i wasn't the only one there i can't remember the best one i've heard but i can remember the best comeback i ever did it is also in fact the only good comeback i ever did i was in seventh grade and we were in the locker room after gym people were discussing shoe sizes because this one kid had enormous feet i don't know if i have small feet but mine were the smallest they said small feet you know what that means i didn't mind too much but one kid crossed the line he said don't worry fella there's like 10 different ways to make it bigger so i said have you tried all 10 not very impressive but it shut him up you peaked so early i work at a hotel a few years ago this guest got into a spat with our security officer over something but she wasn't getting whatever she wanted so she told him he was full of s our security officer replied immediately no i'm not i took care of that this morning but thank you for your concern for my good health and regularity at this time i was about to bust up laughing so i had to excuse myself to the back office and as i was leaving i heard him continuing on with this lady deadpan but i promise i eat a healthy diet full of fiber it warms my heart to know you're concerned with me having regular bowel movements so the next time i'm constipated i know you're thinking of me it continued on and on and all the more he's playing this deadpan and it's making the lady madder and madder and i'm in the back laughing so hard i'm nearly crying after that spiel was over though she didn't give us any more problems the rest of the night anything i've thought of more than an hour after the insult the french have a phrase for this esprit de escalar or the spirit of the staircase the witty retort you think of as you are leaving down the front steps in german it's trap and wits which means the same thing how appropriate you fight like a cow gandhi after a reporter asked him a question reporter what do you think of western civilization gandhi i think it would be a good idea in middle school a boy asked when i was going to grow some boobs so i asked him when he was donating his i'm still really proud of that one damn this is good like i said this was middle school i'm 30 and still riding that high i'm not the type of person to shoot back so this was very out of character for me he was a friend to that just decided we weren't for a few weeks the greatest comeback i witnessed was when humale ninjani was on mean tweets and someone asked is your dick multiple colors and he said yes every shade of your mom's lipstick throwing shade i was 13 years old carrying a bunch of books for the teacher some joker thought it was funny to pretend to fall right in front of me i told him don't fall for me man my whole book carrying crew and his prank crew all started bursting into laughter i didn't register what had happened until much later it was a exchange between two co-workers a few years back basically a [ __ ] shaming gone wrong person they had only ever slept with one person their previous boyfriend that they were still obsessed with person b was the opposite and would bang a different person every week person a i can't believe how many people you've slept with i don't understand how people can have sex with someone they aren't in love with person b well your ex boyfriend seemed to manage it okay person a silence as he dies inside cold blooded i don't care that you broke your elbow was out with a friend who was wearing a silly outfit someone came up and said why are you wearing that it's not halloween he replied with then why don't you take off that idiot's mask when my younger brother was about five he would hold up a picture of an ape and say hey look in this mirror to which my older brother replied that's a picture of an ape but i see why you thought it was a mirror in high school we congregated in our cliques around the benches one friend is cracking his knuckles and did this fairly often another friend saw this and remarked you pop your hands a lot you must jerk off a lot the friend that popped his hands immediately looks at him and calmly says you pop your jaw a lot you must suck dick a lot weirdly enough no one laughed we just all shrugged and took it as a logical explanation it's been over 20 years and i still think about the logic this comment just made me crack my knuckles winston churchill of course lady nancy astor winston if you were my husband i'd poison your tea churchill nancy if i were your husband i'd drink it winston you are drunk disgustingly drunk yes madam but you're fat and when morning comes i shall be sober the mayo i think he said tomorrow i will be sober but you will still be ugly [Music] so [Music] you

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Id: MICVbk4ft8Q

Length: 23min 23sec (1403 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 01 2020