Monster Squad - Nostalgia Critic

no no don't do it as for reviewing food fight choking true sound off black kid smashing cool-kid Thank You kid shirts but hey wait a minute where's batkid hold it hold it Jason I thought you're supposed to put on like 50 more pounds sorry Lemmy is much chocolate-covered pumpkin Twinkies as I can - how are we supposed to have an adventurous 80s boy team without a fake it well it's a well-paid Hollywood analyst I am technically of a sizeable girth oh I'm sorry did you want to be known as the fattest well according to the chart no did you at least bring the adorable pet mascot well gang I think our first meeting of the token truth has just begun if there's anything the ATS have taught us if that boys rule yeah molecular whatever from stand by me to Goonies to explorers and of course the all-time best new holiday classic Monster Squad that film imagine all the classic Halloween monsters in modern day eighties and the only ones that can stop them are a group of smoking swearing perverted little adolescents that clearly don't give a [ __ ] that they've considered a family film or not there's no doubt about it it takes major nars and in honor of this awesomeness we put together our own 80 squad of boy tropes is that a right guys yeah now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna start this review you why are you because I'm the charming awkward shy main character with a heart of gold that gets the most focus but we're like a million times more interesting than you and that's why you'll sell more toys but we still need to keep the focus on the Wonder Bread protagonist me statistically this seems the most illogical as the eighties in a nutshell this is monster squad yes we start off in a 70s horror exploitation film where Count Dracula or party city's interpretation of Count Dracula is seen walking by some of the scariest effects you'll see outside of a Chucky Cheese but the townspeople are pissed off at the vampires for all the possums they've been eating and they summon a portal to suck them into limbo but unfortunately the wrong people gets sucked in cut two years later was something even scarier is going on American education we kind of have this monster Club okay we draw those pictures to put on our Clubhouse walls you draw pictures during mrs. Carlson's science class when you're supposed to be paying attention this is back before schools have real problems drawing in the classroom oh no put Billy's gun and drug possession on hold but these two little children were drawing drawing science is real monsters are not we don't know that sir this is Shawn a young boy who's obsessed with anything horror related as you can clearly tell by his t-shirt Stephen King rules don't patronize me kid I spent most of last review listing Stephen King's rules you learn to love them after the first 40 books he's joined by his friends Patrick and fat kid yes no I mean they literally have a character called fat kid in this listen it's like they're not even trying to hide what characterize pawns they are they just trade out address them as their physical trope that said yeah well get back - munching fabulous but he's not the only one who's tight casted look it's the bully from Wonder Years playing the exact same bully it's at the wearing a hair plant for some reason good evening ladies and gentlemen and welcome to our show tonight's question what makes bet get back back it down here EJ get out of here you know not a good answer to make any sense let's go to our man on the street Derek hi I'm Derek and I'm the street where fat kid is walking track Wow are they looking to take this act on the road as boys go they've worked a long time on this routine oh [ __ ] it's Lindsay Lohan beam in my friend Horace Rudy I'm gonna nurture this moment of pain for you dropped your candy bar EJ it's his it's yours now E yeah well wait until you see what he's like when the cameras aren't rolling I always this is Rudy a badass kid who for some reason really wants to join Sean's monster Club that he put together he's in junior high we should let him in a one condition monster test his Frankenstein the name of the monster but the guy who made him the guy right wait am I in or what yeah it's a little questioning why Rudy would want to hang with them seeing how he's older and clearly has other things on his mind I'm beginning to like this club look I may have killed a homeless person and need a really good alibi your club is a good cover okay that's discrimination turquoi yeah that'll teach those lousy girls we're not indulging our prejudice dudes can't I be a part of your collective midlife crises I'm sorry Tamara but as you can read no girls the backward S is for emphasis yeah you'll just piss up our boys club with flowers or something yeah you guys aren't even boys most of you are in your [ __ ] 30s don't worry we'll only ignore you till the third act but will suddenly realize the error of our ways well that's like two-thirds of the review I'll teach you from maturing faster than us but seriously if you could come and say but in the last third you worthless sack of nothing just that me great girl suck dracula literally ships himself via airmail to the boys neighborhood but through a pretty awesome reveal seen the cargo is dropped and he sets out to locate the rest of his team whoa sorry just a little tweet check out there we all get nervous twitches like that sometimes maybe you can go see Groundhog Day part 12 tonight only for thinking with you is it please Shawn it is a guy with an axe Groundhog Day 12 about a killer with an axe boy I know Bill Murray's been really loose with some of his roles but this is actually kind of awesome never mind you telling me there was this 2,000 year old mummy here right the father is a cop who gets called to a crime scene where apparently an ancient mummy has been stolen but don't worry his comedic sidekick is there too Chris Tucker it up you want ask me about the phone what about the hood or I thought you'd never ask you know that be firemen steady he's like a primordial Gus from psych you wanna hate what a stereotype he is but he's just so damn good at being that stereotype the problem is two thousand-year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves never mind me I'm just a 2000 year old dead guy fulfilling a punch line we also get a glimpse of our werewolf looks more like a we're badger a [ __ ] face we're badger as him and the other monsters meet up to bring the Frankenstein monster back to life huh the same way you jump start a car apparently give him more gas no no you're flooding him oh good where am I gonna find the resurrection chapters time of night wonderful now that they've awkwardly held their hands out without actually grabbing them they can finally start their recreation of the Halloween that almost wasn't all hail jodhpurs but Shawn gets a feeling that something is up for you see his mother got him a book from a garage sale that's get this van helsings vampire diary and somebody named mr. Alucard is looking for it yeah I don't know what's funnier the fact that Dracula the king of all vampires uses such an obvious anagram to trick people or the fact that it actually takes the kid to tries to figure out that it was Dracula backwards I would say he needs to pay more attention in school but they said he does nothing but drop pictures of monsters but you'd think this would be kind of second nature to him if he's such a dork but he's not the only one getting ghostly visions one of the other members of the club gets a creepy visit can you help me outside of this obvious joke I have no reason to be in this same thing listen keep this up and you're not gonna look at those monster magazines why don't you watch something less violent like Robotech Shawn declares his group the monster squad as he's convinced that there are in fact monsters roaming the neighborhood I think there's monsters like real ones The Mummy disappeared from the museum tonight mommy came in my house we don't want to hear how your mommy came in your house weird Confederate hat wearing kid wait a minute what yeah he wears a Confederate hat through like most of this movie was this a thing in the eighties well the kids tried to see if they can head the van Helsing diary translated by some scary German guy and I'm not even kidding that's also his name in the movie here a German guy scary sure this movie is so bizarrely blunt one of the monsters makes himself present at the pond next to Sean's little sister I hope you have your flood insurance paid up kid this usually doesn't end well boys time is almost up it's your last chance for pie shall I critically serve your other desserts good and evil are in constant flux so he translates the book saying then amulet of good it's what's keeping balance in the world it is a talisman which Ward's off evil and is how you say in this table that means it can't be destroyed I speak German hear us to battle those forces himself but he also says it's made vulnerable every hundred years and if it's destroyed evil will rule the world well seeing how it's almost a hundred years a clock they figure that's what the monsters are after you should know a lot about monsters now that you mention it I suppose I do holy [ __ ] movie you want to grow these viewers up as quickly as possible I suppose I do mmm I'm just gonna slip my innocent mind into denial mode and say that somebody's phone number he's trying to remember I don't think that's enough number somebody's phone number okay so say what gets Amite then what we get a virgin then what well our virgin takes the amulet reads the magic stuff in the book and blammo we blow home in limbo Christ I can't believe how many non kid things are in this obvious kids movie hell this was almost looking like a Pepsi commercial before that line came up unless maybe that's what Pepsi wants to be associated with Pepsi know any virgins but in the middle of their virgin search Shaun's little sister comes across something truly interesting damn even the little sisters got a mouth on her how are we teaching on Sesame Street nowadays today's episode is brought to you by [ __ ] chicken [ __ ] eating mother ha bastard yeah I guess the universal monster films were kind of disturbingly accurate kind of a strange coincidence does that mean somewhere there's a family the Opera that can actually sing well some corporations slap their logo on that that is by far the most perfect ending to a commercial if ever I've seen one happy Halloween to you and your family brought to you by Pepsi know any virgins so she did help them out didn't she yeah feel bad about how we treat Tamara earlier yeah bogus balls you should have been more supportive like the great Robert II lean that looks booth hey I have an idea how about the Mex girl we see we let her join which according to my calculations should be just about oh how did gentlemen I was just peeing standing up and I saw that you had a boys club sorry buddy but it's a bit of a sausage fest in here and we're in need of a few clamps besides you look like Yankee anyways no damn it I can't believe my calculations were wrong he was pretty hot though touken troupe will return after these messages now return to the token truth so the masters find the amulet presumably while of full moons been going on the entire week and victory seems to be theirs well his performance was so hammy it actually woke me up so they prepare for monster hunting via motivational synth guitar and ask Patrick's sister who Rudy's been eavesdropping on this whole time to help them seeing how they're pretty sure she's a virgin which is really confusing seeing how they never mentioned the virgin had to be female but in an eighties Boys movie girls are either annoying nuisances or walking sex there's no one between you guys are sick guess what there's a space on the bulletin board right between the prom committee notes and the football rust oh my God he's been taking pictures of her changing doesn't technically mean she should be blackmailing him I mean that's kind of serious [ __ ] you can be put away for stuff like that unless you plan to put it online in which case suddenly nobody can find you I don't believe this they figure they're at 666 shadow Brook Road because I think we've established this is not a very subtle Dracula and they interrupt him trying to break down the wall the children's cover is literally blown which of course leads to the line that would define a generation for every young lover of monster movies this blue every kid's mind wolfmann has nerds this movie is asking questions who never would have thought to ask before Frankenstein's monster is made up of several different people does that mean they've had several different neurons if every part of the mummy is wrapped up did they wrap up is nards as well did The Creature from the Black Lagoon have hidden arts nerds that retreat inward like a turtle if the Phantom of the Opera space is deformed does he also have deform darts this movie is asking questions questions and neat popping answers who dare interrupt us something odd conversation what we're talking nards there's a monster out here look buddy I know you want to join our team but I don't know what's real anymore look I barely just got away check it out oh god it's the greatest threat to a tease boys team that there is Frankenstein the Wolfman Norris horse it's realities well too bad insurance house rent extruder we have to utilize everybody that we can by calling the authorities we can't do that so take us away and perform science experiments on us damn Union bastards according to my charts there should be an ancient book of ancientness every 80s kids room has an ancient book of ancient nests you're right red sauce test tubular aah according to this there is one way out what is it an 80s montage ready now Ethel listen y'all get sell a minute with the music do something else according to my calculations there's a really simple way around this understanding your science mumbo-jumbo me and speak English but simply we lock the door so after the Boise escaped with the amulet by using garlic on pizza because it's the 80s and pizza solve everything they ride off in their car but Dracula's hers ain't far behind that your car you're destroying I don't know what place rents hearses with skulls on the hood but I imagine they're pretty closely the father corners him at gunpoint but Dracula uses every vampires classic deadliest method dynamite um I kind of thought that was Wiley coyotes weapon of choice but hell if the Headless Horseman can use a machine gun nowadays I guess anything's possible hey don't do that my black guy is still in there Jesus Christ you killed an eighties white cops comedic black sidekick he's practically naked throughout the rest of the movie without him honey why is the try voicemail late for any black guy holy nartz the kids try to get this sister to read the book but some of Dracula's fresh bites start tracking them down very very slowly be careful at this rate they'll catch up with you in about an hour the other monsters catch up to them but once again dynamite seems to be the answer to everything in this film this movie that only gave us an exploding werewolf it gave us an exploding mid-air werewolf a midair wolf if you will that's two extra points for creative exploitation but unfortunately we're badger don't give a [ __ ] where badger just puts it so back together again it doesn't bode well seeing how the sister is apparently not a virgin that leaves only the majority of our main characters that can do it curse these wolves we forgot to insert dude did you find something about this movie you didn't like yeah I don't know just the more I think about it it doesn't make a whole lot of logical sense yeah scientifically speaking nothing's really coming together yeah it's like reality said let's keep going I guess Wacka Wacka we see by pretty [ __ ] huge coincidence fat kid comes across the bully from earlier who won't let him in trying to escape a monster my name is Horace I should be blown away by how incredibly awesome this moment is how every kid probably cream their pants at this thing well all I can think about is how inappropriate it is for a child to be holding a shotgun did anybody look at the charts what their parents have flipped out over this movie Dianetics to figure out that Sean's sister as well as anyone really can read the passage but of course because all vampires are anti running Dracula heads over very very slowly to stop them that's for Dracula unborn that's for Dracula dead and loving it that's public Trinity I mean Adam Sandler was a better leader ee for sale this is for the ridiculous haircut and Gary Oldman it looks like in a final for crying out loud gives me the amulet you [ __ ] I'm exploiting this pg-13 rating like nobody [ __ ] ask goddamn [ __ ] business but Frankenstein's monster comes in to catchphrase it to death the portal is finally opened and Van Helsing comes out to finish his job thanks for doing all the hard work for me please don't let Steven summers tell my story but it looks like the Frankenstein monster has to go too which is actually pretty [ __ ] sad oh for God's sake really really he catches the bear yeah they'll keep you a great company if Dracula doesn't take it away from you and piss down its button remove ties I'm sure it'll make all the difference eventually the military comes in yeah wonder how that call went general half of Spencer's clearance costumes are running amok and they tried to figure out what happened alright son where are they where are the monsters in my house will you stop putting the camera on him can somebody tell me what the Sam Hill is going on around here well we can sir who are you we're the monster squad plus they say the catchphrase that no one will ever repeat plays a song that nobody will ever buy and we finished the movie that I'm sure in no way we'll ever be dated what so ever so guys what do you think well when you really think about it it's pretty stupid yeah really stupid like it's amazing the 80s even allowed it out of its own decades stupid numbers agree know what audience this is aimed for I mean it has aspects of a kid's film a lot of famous overuse aspects but there's way too much swearing and gore and violence and sex and just all-around bad messages and gunplay yeah right what about that scene where Dracula calls a little girl a [ __ ] right to her face it was very me all right buddy you may be a reality monster but I know the one thing that destroys reality Internet comments Ebola is the biggest threat in America which live is the world's smartest man little Walker was just a plot by radical samurai pizza cats the effects are great except when they're not it's just a huge mess it's overly violent it's insane it's totally just in the eighties and that's why it's awesome this movie it's over the violent it's insane it's totally drenched in the eighties and look at all the gunplay and this seems a little girl being called a [ __ ] to her face I think again mayonnaise is everywhere it's like it's ringing to everything that would look ridiculous and awesome about one of the most ridiculously awesome time periods ever if you love the 80s and you a monster fill that this is the best new Halloween classic god [ __ ] damn it I wonder who that is I defeated the monster can I be in your stupid game now well we done for us recently I defeated the monster I don't see any proof I got a new laptop I already got one i crossdress Oh every by crossdressers on this dinosaur critic which by the way we need to get your dress size you know what that's fine I'm gonna go audition to be a 90 sports team tomboy I'm sure she'll be fantastically written well I believe proper protocol calls for us turning to the camera saying our group name some terrible pop song plays and then the credits very slowly rolled by while we just linger here awkwardly tubular affirmative couch younga the cell will rise again well without further ado with token show you you

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 1,374,997

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, movie review, film review, monster squad, halloween, halloween movie, monster squad review

Id: QWDaD8nFa-A

Length: 32min 3sec (1923 seconds)

Published: Tue Sep 06 2016