Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to. Did you ever see the movie Monsters Inc.? Of course you did. Pixar is practically
your cinematic guardian now. Anything they say, you have to pay attention to. The idea of monsters popping out of the closet
only to find it’s their 9-to-5 job, though, is nothing new. It's been used in countless
cartoons and comic strips in the past. But still, it presented us with a nice,
decent movie with a creative plot and characters. But much like the yin and the yang, for every good movie that exists, there's always going to be a *bad* movie. THIS movie. Little Fucking Monsters! When you think about it, this should be great. You got big-name child star Fred Savage,
big-name funny man Howie Mandel, and a whole wide world of creative monsters. How could any kid not in their right mind enjoy this? Well, needless to say, you got to try HARD to fuck up
a movie like this! REALLY, REALLY HARD! And by God’s pubic hair, they succeeded! So, let’s see why this movie sucks a mighty cock-sicle. This is Little Monsters. So we start off with Fred Savage telling us
what a pain it is to move to a new place. Brian: We moved here about a month ago. My parents said it would be
better for me and my brother Eric. NC: Needless to say, whenever you hear that opening narration, you always feel The Wonder Years' music isn’t far behind. ♪ [The Wonder Years music] ♪ (NC as Adult Kevin from The Wonder Years): I was hoping this move would be different, something exciting and new. But I could feel in my heart that a hammy monster played by an obsessive-compulsive actor would not be far away. ♫ ♫ God help my career. ♫ ♫ (normal): Savage also has a brother, played by his real-life brother, Ben Savage. Eric: MOMMY!!! Holly the Mom: Honey, are you all right? NC (as Eric): I dreamt I was in TGIF limbo with the father from The Graduate! Eric: This is no joke, Dad! There was a real monster! NC: Their dad is played by Daniel Stern, whose glasses are so big, he can probably read the fine print on a maggot’s mortgage loan. Eric: Can I have the flashlight? Holly: Sure, honey. Would you get it? Glen: Holly, I thought we would... I’ll get the, uh... NC: What the hell was that about? What, does he keep his porn in his flashlight or something? [Glen making weird growling noises] Holly: Glen..... [growling continues] NC: I think it's calls for another... ♪ [gong] ♪ [growling slowed down so that it now sounds deep and demonic] (NC as Darth Vader): Luke, I am your throwaway performance. (normal): So they find that all sorts of little pranks have been set up around the house that Savage apparently didn’t plant. Daniel Stern fall for childish traps? Huh! That’s something new! Brian: Hey, I didn’t do anything! Glen: You’re dead, mister. Marv from Home Alone: I'M GONNA KILL THAT KID!!!!! NC: The antics continue as Stern tries to go to work. Brian: My bike! You ran over it! Glen: My car! (sternly): Whose fault is this, Brian? Brian: Uh-uh! No way! I parked it right over there! Right there! Glen: Oh, right, right. So before I got in the car, I went around and put the bike there myself? Forget it, Charlie! NC: You know, I just realized how surreal this is. Both these actors played the exact same character in The Wonder Years! So, basically, it’s Kevin talking to Kevin! ♪ [The Wonder Years music returns] ♪ (as Adult Kevin): I knew my dad was mad at me, but he didn’t understand what I was— (as other Adult Kevin): Hey, don’t think you can monologue over me, mister! (as first Adult Kevin): Hey, butt out, pal! You have no idea the issues I’m going through! (as other Adult Kevin): I *AM* YOU!!! ♫ ♫ (normal): So Savage thinks his brother did it, as he throws his lunch out the window. Unfortunately, it slams into Generic McBully here, which causes the kids to have a fight at school. [fighting while the schoolkids chant "Fight! Fight!"] (NC as principal): What's going on here? This is most unorthodox! I’ll show you, tommywaggers! [hoity-toity grumbling and sputtering] Principal: Break it up! Stevenson! You’re new here, aren’t you? Brian: Yes, sir? Principal: Well, I think we better have a little talk. In my office! You have rules to learn! NC: Ah, yes, the new law of high school. If you’re the new kid, you’re automatically to blame. So he befriends a girl in his class, who's named Tomboy Kiersten Bookworm. At least that's what I'm calling her lazily-written character. Brian: This is cool! Kiersten: Don’t touch! It’s fragile. It's a night-blooming cactus. I want to see if artificial sunlight..... changes its normal blooming pattern. NC: Yeah, nice read there, girl. You don’t say big words that often, do you? And as usual, Savage sounds NOTHING like a real little kid and more like a miniature version of John Travolta. Brian: So what’s up, Miss Davoh? Kiersten: You really wanna know? Brian: I really wanna know! Alright, you know what? Think about it, take your time, you’ll probably change your mind. John Travolta in Face/Off: Oooooh-WEE, you good lookin’! NC: We find out that Ben is still afraid to sleep in his room, so Fred decides to make a bet. If Fred can stay one night in Ben’s room, Ben will pay him some money. But sure enough, he does hear something going bump in the night. [loud noise] Jesus. What the hell could it possibly be? Pazuzu! [canned laughter] ♪ [corny sitcom theme] ♪ Scared out of his wits, Fred spends the night on the couch, but is not ready to give up yet. Brian: Double or nothing! ♪ [upbeat '80s montage music] ♪ NC: ♪ An '80s montage fixes everything! ♪ ♪ Except when you show people eating! ♪ ♪ What the hell?! ♪ ♪ I thought this was an '80s montage! ♪ ♪ All of a sudden, it just kinda stopped! ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ Shouldn't we be seeing some stuff? ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ Cut against other stuff— ♪ ♪ Oh wait, here we go! ♪ ♪ We're back to the '80s montage! ♪ ♪ Now the buildup can finally begin! ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ Oh wait, I guess it's over now... ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ Boy, that was pretty fucking lame. ♪♪ So this time, Savage sets up a trap to nail the monster, again succumbing to the "Boy Genius Syndrome" that every kid in the late '80s and early '90s seemed to have. But when he catches the monster, he disappears into clothes as soon as the lights come on. Glen: What are you doing, Brian? What the hell is going on— Look at this mess! Wh— What the hell am I stepping in? Doritos?! Jesus! NC (as Glen): This is worse than that fucking time I caught you goddamn swearing! (normal): So the father, of course, never asks why there’s an adult male’s clothes in his room, but as soon as the lights go off, they get moving again. And thus, we see our monster named Maurice, played by Howie Mandel. Brian: I'l scream! Maurice: Scream? Good idea! You know what? If you scream, your dad’s gonna come in here with a 12-gauge shotgun! [pwoo!] Blow your head off! Actually..... *I'll* scream! [deep exaggerated breath] Brian: SHUT UP!!!!! [punch] Maurice: Actually, your dad’s gonna come in here... and find Dorito puke all over the floor. What’s he gonna say, huh? WwwOOOOOW!!! NC: Now I know what you're saying to yourself: "Haven’t I seen this character a bajillion times before?" Well, yes. Yes you have. He's part of the: Never heard of it? It was very popular in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s. I think it began with Beetlejuice. Ever since that movie came out, suddenly every flick had an Annoying Supernatural Fast-Talking Dick in it. Don’t believe me? Let’s check out a few other films that came out around that time. Maurice: Baseball cards! I love baseball cards! Got 'em, got 'em, need 'em! Beetlejuice (overlapping): Hey, guy! Come on, we're simpatico, here. Look at that. Huh! We even shop at the same store! Drop Dead Fred (also overlapping): She told you to piss off! What are you, deaf? I wrote the note. Hahahahahahaha! ♪ Haven't got a husband! ♪ Genie (overlapping, too): Hello, Aladdin, nice to have you on the show. Can we call ya "Al", or maybe just "Din"? Uno, dos, tres. No substitutions, exchanges, or refunds. [all four characters fast-talking over each other and basically making a cacophonic, impossible-to-transcribe mess] NC: Oh, thank GOD!!! So listen to this: Howie Mandel gets weaker whenever he’s around bright light, and actual sunlight will apparently kill him. Just like ANOTHER FRIGGIN’ MONSTER HE PLAYED!!!!! Does it have to be written in Howie Mandel’s contract that every character he plays is allergic to bright light? Are bright lights part of his OCD? Does he have some sort of paranoia against them? Seriously, what would happen if he stepped in bright light? Bella Swan: Oh, it's like diamonds. You're beautiful. Edward Mandel: Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella. So the next night, the monster comes back and decides he wants to party with Savage, because he’s the first kid to ever catch him. [odd stretching sound] Maurice: Brian Stevenson, come on down! Brian: Even if I do go, how do I know I'm gonna be able to come back? Maurice: Listen to me! What goes on down there is every kid’s fantasy! NC: Oh, you mean a naked April O’Neil covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce? I’m an early bloomer, so what?! Maurice: Imagine if you will. Imagine a world solely of kids. Kids that just want to have fun. Ha ha! No parents! You hear me, boy? I said, I said, “No parents!” Man, that alone is worth all the money in the world! It’s about leaving your clothes wherever it is you wanna leave 'em! It's about never having to clean up after you eat. It’s about never worrying about being on time! NC: JUST GO, ALREADY!!! So finally, he takes him under the bed to show him the world of the monsters. Oh, boy, they’ve really built up this monster world big time! I can’t wait to see what it looks like! Maurice: Take a gander, Brian! Ain’t it amazin’? [random glitter balls sparkling] NC: Well, that’s a... nice backstage of the set, but can we see the real set now? Maurice: Every one of these staircases leads to some poor soul’s bedroom! NC: Oh. That... that *is* the real set. The world of monsters is nothing more than a collection of stairs and boxes. Wow. So you’re a little kid hearing all this buildup about the kingdom of monsters, and all you get is stairs and boxes. That’s so much of a letdown, I can’t even bring myself to call it a letdown! I mean, how lazy and unimaginative are you?! A better description is needed to explain such an abomination of ass-ness! This isn’t a fucking letdown! This is..... a mini-Holocaust of expectations. That’s how bad it is, folks! That’s how bad it is! I had to use the word “Holocaust”! So, really, all this world is is the Foot Clan hideout from the first Ninja Turtles movie. You know, where all the kids get together to party and do bad things. In fact, it’s practically identical! But the fun doesn’t stop there. Maurice encourages Savage to play little pranks all throughout the neighborhood. Okay, I guess a few innocent pranks here and there isn’t that— HOLY HELL, IS THAT CRUEL!!!!! In fact, the more you watch ‘em, *most* of these pranks are just cruel. They’re not really that funny; they’re just nasty! What's this? Maurice: Aaahh... aaahh.... Brian: You’re drinking it? NC: Okay, he’s drinking a kid’s apple juice. I guess it doesn’t seem too bad— DUDE!!!!! Brian: That’s great! NC: THAT... is AWFUL!!! Look, this isn’t the Kevin Costner Brewery, that’s real friggin’ piss! And why is this kid getting so excited about it? I think they invade the home of one boy he didn’t like: that bully from earlier. Outside of that, all the other kids are pure innocents! So how is this funny? Where does the humor come from? You know what? Maybe I’m thinking too hard about this. Maybe there was some comedy in here I’m just not seeing. After all, maybe we can see the kids' reactions. That oughta be pretty funny. Pissed-off father: PEEEEETEEEERRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! Horrified girl: I'm innocent! I'll take a lie detector test! Disappointed mom: It's because I'm working, isn't it? Angry mom: If you didn't do it..... WHO DID?!?!?! Father probably traumatizing that poor kid: DO YOU WANT TO GO TO MILITARY SCHOOL?!?!?!?! NC: That was HORRIFIC!!!!! That wasn’t funny! That was... painful and unpleasant! Hey!..... I have a funny idea! Why don't we show their beatings? Yeah! Because pummeling little children is just as hilarious as mentally scarring them for life! Oh, look! this one's getting the belt! [smack!] ♪ Hilarioooous!! ♪ Maurice: Don’t ya have any cheese in your life, bud? [wacky laughter] Brian: "Cheese"? What kind? Maurice: Squeezed tomatoes! Broads! Chicks! Girls! I said, “Girls!” Don’t you have anybody else in your life besides your mother who wears an over-the-shoulder boulder holder? NC: "Over-the-shoulder boulder holder". Yet another series of words that kids can add to the wonderful vocabulary that this film is teaching them! So while going through the homes, they visit the girl that Savage has a crush on. Brian: I don’t believe it. She likes me! I thought she hated me. Maurice: Pfft, why'd anybody hate *you*, Bri? NC: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because YOU’RE AWFUL! Brian: No, it’s just that ever since we moved here, I haven’t really been able to make friends. NC: Again, because YOU’RE AWFUL! As Maurice destroys the girl's homework, we come across another monster named Snik. [scoff] I wish. No, it’s never really explained exactly who Snik is, but I guess he’s sorta set up like the mafioso of the monster world. If that’s the case, how come he can’t get a better wig to stick to his head? Snik: Ha ha! That’s good for a laugh, isn’t it? (low and menacingly): I..... love that. NC: Y'know, I gotta admit, I like post-'Bat Out Of Hell' Meatloaf better. Snik: I like taking my two..... big... black... leather-gloved hands... and GRABBING YOUR HEAD... and TEARING IT OFF!!!!! NC: And we just witnessed your kids' Nightmare Fuel for the week, parents! Whenever your children come up and say they wet themselves and they don’t know why, you’ll know the reason! Oh, yeah, by the way, adding random animated sparks doesn't make your world any more magical. IT'S STILL FUCKING BOXES!! So Savage goes to school and sees what Maurice did to Kiersten’s big project. This causes him to finally realize that maybe he’s a little asshole. Brian: You know she got a zero because of you?! Maurice: I was hungry, okay?! And it just— It just so happened at that moment, I had a craving for a six-page paper on the daytime blooming of a nighttime cactus! You like her, don't you? Brian: No, I don't. Maurice: [gasp!] ♪ Brian's got a girlfriend! Brian's got a girl— ♪ John Hammond from Jurassic Park: I really hate that man. NC: Okay, so, as if this movie couldn’t possibly get any more miserable, take a look at what they throw at us next. Glen: Mom and I have decided that we’re not gonna..... ...live together for a while. Brian: Don’t you get it? They’re getting a divorce. NC: THANK YOU, MOVIE! Thank you! When we’re not in a fantasy world of hellish nightmares and gruesome ugliness, it’s nice to know we can return to a world of separations and divorce! Little Monsters! Because God hates you! So Savage discovers that the more times he goes down into the underworld, the more he starts to actually become a monster, as body parts start disappearing in the light. So he tells Maurice that he doesn’t want to go to the underworld anymore. Maurice: Believe it or not..... you're the only real friend I have. Why do you think I keep coming back? NC: You know, have you ever noticed that Mandel moves like a puppet being used by a bad puppeteer? Now, how do you operate this damn thing again? But it turns out the evil monster Snik comes along and kidnaps Savage’s brother. Why? Because he’s stopped coming to the underworld!... I don’t know. You figure out the reasoning behind that. Holly (quickly): Eric’s gone! Have you seen him? Do you know where he went? Brian: Gone? He’s GONE?! Holly: Look, Brian, if you know anything, tell me right now! NC (as Brian): Well, okay. There’s this monster city that lives under my bed, and Howie Mandel is one of the— [slap!] (normal): So he calls up all his friends and tells them everything that’s happened. Of course, they don’t believe him, but luckily, Savage can prove it. [stretching sound] [pop] Kiersten: Holy shit! [chuckles] NC: Okay, to this movie's credit..... that is the exact same reaction I would have! So they bring a bunch of flashlights and venture to where they think their brother is being held. Boy (that's not a description, that's actually the character's name!): Brian Stevenson. Brian: Where's Eric? Boy: And you brought some little playmates along with you! How nice! Brian: I want my BROTHER!!!!!!! NC (referencing his Waterworld review): As well as some FOOD!!!!! Boy (mock-offended): Oh, Brian! What sort of greeting is that? After all, we are so much alike. NC: I’m sorry, who are you? We’re literally given no introduction to this character. Is he the boss? Is he the ruler?
[to answer, yes and yes] Did he have a plan the whole time? Are they somehow powered by the misery of children? Well, thankfully, none of that is answered, because they had to make room for really important scenes like this one: Didn't that add so much?! [lights whoosh on] [Boy screaming] So the head monster turns into clothes, but his gadgets and weapons take the kids out. [Snik yelling] [Boy chuckling evilly— WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!] [Brian screaming at that monstrosity of a monster] Nightmarish Boy: Show Brian to his room! [Snik yelling some more and Brian screaming some more] NC: [gasp!] Oh, no! [more screaming from the two of them] Snik (high-pitched): Bye-bye, Brian! RRRRAAAAAHHHH!!! NC: WAAAAAAAHHH!!! [soft flump] [?????] Stuffed animals? That's the best torture they can do?? They must have been watching Monty Python’s Spanish Inquisition! Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition clip!: Confess! Confess! Confess!
[live audience laughing] NC: Luckily, Maurice is down there as they try to figure out a way to escape. Kiersten: I have an idea! We can generate light by wiring pencils to the phone, just like a carbon lamp from a projector. NC: OH, YEAH!— Wait, what?? [cranking] Brian: Faster! Generic McBully (okay, fine, his name's Todd): I'm tryin'! [cranking continues] Maurice: If at first, you don't succeed... Brian: Come on!
Maurice: If at first, you don't succeed... Maurice: If at first, you don't succeed... [zapping] Maurice: Try— A LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!! [plop] NC: Okay, even MACGUYVER would call bullshit on that one! [zapping continues] So they escape out of the prison, just so they can sneak back in and do the whole GODDAMN THING OVER AGAIN! It's literally like replaying a level in a video game! Snik from earlier in the film: Bye-bye, Brian! RAAAAHHH! ♪ ["Mario Died" music from Super Mario Bros.] ♪ ♪ ["Super Mario Bros. theme"] ♪ NC: So they get the bully to join them because they tricked him into drinking his own piss..... .....Forget it. ...as the monsters just, once again, stand in the middle of the room and allow themselves to get zapped. Well, wait a minute, where’s all the gadgets? Where’s all the weapons that they had last time? [adult from the Peanuts cartoons "wah-wah-wah"-ing offscreen] "Forgot to write them in?" Okay. They get his brother back, but Snik pulls himself together and tries to stop the kids from leaving. But luckily, Maurice has a secret weapon! I’m sure he’s gonna take one of the lessons he’s learned and use it to save the day— OR he'll just light the motherfucker on fire!! [Snik screaming while being burned alive] What's the moral of this film, again? All the monsters are happy that the head monster is destroyed, though... we... don’t really know why, as we have no idea how this fucking world works, but whatever. It turns out the sun's already come up at their house. So they travel across the country— that is, they run across the same set several times and just put up different signs— until they finally get to California. Wheeere Savage and his brother enter a video game tournament starring Super Mario Bros. 3! Nope! Nope, that would be the AWESOME ending. Brian: Mom! I’ve got Eric! Holly: Where are you?? Brian: .....Malibu. Holly: Where the hell is that?? Brian: .......California? Holly: What on earth are you doing there?? Brian: Ummm... kind of a... long story. NC: And I’m not kidding, that’s the ending. The issue of the parents getting divorced? Never resolved! Finding out if their kids ever tell their parents about the monsters? Never mentioned! What happens to the monster underworld and just how the hell is it being run, anyway? Never addressed! We just get a visual recap of the film that only consists of THREE PICTURES! I guess even the filmmakers couldn’t think of many memorable moments from this shitty-ass film! And that’s exactly what this is! A shitty-ass film! What a miserable piece of cinema. There’s no moral or lesson, it’s not fun, the images are probably too scary for most kids, it’s not visually pleasing, it’s not that creative, there’s a ton of unexplained story issues, and it’s surprisingly mean-spirited! The pranks just seem cruel, the father just seems cruel, the monsters just seem cruel... I don't mind cruelty in a film if it's amounting to something, but this literally amounts to nothing! It's just shit. My advice? AVOID THIS MOVIE LIKE THE PLAGUE! Or better yet, GET the plague, so that at least you’ll have something to look forward to after watching this dumbass movie! I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. Maurice: Over-the-shoulder boulder holder!
