THEY CAN'T LOVE YOU, THEY JUST USE PEOPLE

hey guys I hope you are doing well thanks for joining me for another video this week we're going to dive into narcissistic abuse we're going to talk about why these types of personalities will tend to exploit people why they will tend to use people instead of just being able to have genuine connection when it comes to romantic relationships or really just any relationship in general with someone who's narcissistic I want you to understand that this relationship is not rooted in a genuine feeling of affection Love of compromise of give and take you are merely a Target to basically help this person get whatever it is that they want out of you narcissists love to create facades that will draw people into them from the outside this person may appear very Charming they may appear as if they're actually interested in pursuing this person however as the relationship starts to progress you see their real true intentions rather than having a relationship and fostering that relationship with real emotional connection and emotional intimacy you start to see that this person just isn't capable of that and what they're actually doing is just using their Partners vulnerabilities against them they're essentially using your wounds and your insecurities and the things that they know you are really vulnerable to in order for them to get what they want out of you so really what they're doing is manipulation they are always always regardless of the amount of relationships they have in their life the amount of money success whatever it is they are always on the hunt for people that will make them feel the way they want to feel because they're not able to cultivate that on their own the relationship will always be a one-sided relationship now here's kind of the sad part for the victim is the victim is unaware of this because they're wounded because they are coming from their own insecurities wounds and they have these voids that they're trying to fill their not going to be able to see the red flags that someone on the outside could possibly see they're not going to see it because they don't want to see it they want to only see what they want out of this person and out of this relationship so really what's happening is the victim is just projecting and overlooking some really important things in the relationship that they're never going to be able to get because of those wounds you always have to remember that there's never going to be any amount of substance in a relationship with someone who is that detached from themselves relationships and people are merely just vehicles in order for them to get what they want I want to talk about the cycle of idealization and devaluing because these are normal Cycles in a dysfunctional relationship these two phases are going to happen in all relationships with someone who's narcissistic and it doesn't mean that the idealization phase is just the beginning phase of the relationship no it is going to happen throughout the course of a relationship with this person so if they're really relationship is two years five years 30 years it doesn't matter these Ebbs and flows in the relationship are going to happen and you're never going to be able to see the cycle again if you're wounded the way they idealize a person is through words of affirmation through affection through compliments whatever it is that they know that you crave that you never got in order to feel special so this is just their way of hooking you in this allows them to create a really strong bond with you where you then feel like you absolutely need this person in order to survive if you've become familiar with the cycle then you know what's next is the devaluing and this is where someone just starts kind of chipping away at you this is where the manipulation starts this is where they really start belittling you verbal abuse different types of emotional abuse of tactics that they're going to use on you and this is really where they're going to start controlling you in a certain way because remember if you are wounded then they are your lifeline and if your Lifeline isn't there and you need that in order to survive you're going to conform you're going to compromise you're going to settle you're going to overlook in order to get the thing that you need out of the relationship as well a true true codependent will always love that early phase that honeymoon phase idealization whatever you want to call it where they are being put on a pedestal and they're made to feel as oh as though they are really wanted and loved remember the codependency and the wound that this person is feeling is a void of love so if there's a void there because I didn't get it grown up and then I didn't learn how to give it to myself then I'm going to need it from someone else hence why I'm able to look over all of this bad behavior I don't have any standards I'm not holding you accountable because I don't really care if you're exploiting me or using me in any way I need this I need to have this fantasy relationship in order to feel like I'm okay when you're deeply wounded you just don't see someone using you you don't see the gaslighting you don't see the manipulation you don't you can't see clearly or even be able to detect any of these things you're definitely not attuned or in tune with your body and how you're feeling so you won't be able to feel those Sensations that are going on inside of you that are saying this just doesn't feel right this doesn't feel good now let's go through the different types of ways that a narcissist can actually exploit you emotional validation is probably one of the biggest ones a narcissist needs to be around people that can admire them that can praise them that can make them feel like they're enough they need someone that can boost that ego to make them feel like either a man or the greatest thing since sliced bread a narcissist can exploit someone even through financial stability being able to manipulate you for you to then lend me some money for me to look at you as a means to financial stability then I will make you feel the way you want to feel so you will buy me things so you will provide for me exploitation is really just about someone's own personal gain and it's also about doing it at the expense of someone else a narcissist needs to be around people that make them look good make them look in a certain way so it's not only how do I feel and you need to boost me up but it's also about how does everyone else look at us now the balance with this is that at times they almost enjoy being with people that either have money or have power or have something and so they'll really crave that but then on the other hand certain types of narcissism and personalities will actually despise it and they almost need to be the best one in the room so you can't outshine me but you also can't be so beneath me where I'm almost embarrassed to be around you you can't be too pretty you can't be too accomplished you can't have a mind of your own because all those things are going to intimidate me and they're going to cause me to not feel good about myself so this is why we have to understand stand and I'm telling you guys this and I say it all the time you cannot take what someone is doing personally because all of these things that I'm talking about right now are underneath the surface of what someone is actually consciously doing a lot of people that use any of these things or do any of these things whether they're narcissistic or not are not consciously always thinking that they're doing this they're doing it unconsciously because of the wound that's going on inside of them because of the insecurity because of the fear because of the lack because of the worry because of how they were programmed Etc et cetera et cetera so if you take what someone is doing personally obviously that's going to disrupt you it's going to change your energy it's going to change your self-esteem and that's what we don't want to have happen because the reality is that it doesn't have to do with you it has to do with what's going on inside of this person whether or not they are confident whether or not they can cultivate a healthy sense of their own self whether they can get out of their own comfort zone to produce the results that they want in their life or have the things that they want in their life rather than just exploiting people to take these things the emotional validation like I was talking about earlier it kind of ties into emotional intimacy you're never really going to have it but don't get me wrong I've been on the phone with a lot of people that have said look I was with this person for a lot of years and there was emotional intimacy there it could happen but there's only so far that this person is willing to go and usually also in those Dynamics with someone who's like this who's narcissistic or toxic you are a lot of times going to end up being this person's emotional punching bag as well so since this person knows how to control and influence another person I.E manipulation they are going to say certain things and when they say these things they're going to be very aware of your reaction to these things did you get defensive did you conform did you feel insecure so a really good manipulator is not going to always use the same manipulative tactics meaning they might might use guilt they might use shame they might Build You Up they might make you feel bad about why you feel the way you do or what it is that you're saying so a really good manipulator is going to use things like guilt chain fear they might really hone in on your own insecurities versus making you feel secure not that it's solely their job to make you feel secure in a relationship or make you feel good about yourself but someone who loves you is not trying to feed all of the wounds and insecurities that you have inside of yourself either now with guilt you might hear different types of things if you really cared about me you would do this for me I guess I'm just not good enough for you you're so lucky to have me no one else would put up with you you always make everything about you I guess I'm just not that important to you A lot of these things are passive aggressive as well and the manipulate like the manipulative kind of tool in this is I want you to do something different I want you to give me something I want to look at me in a certain way and so I'm going to make these comments in order and the irony is is that they're hurtful they're past aggressive and a lot of times people can spot definitely the past progressiveness but maybe not the manipulation and they get angry by it rather than being able to be super healthy super confident to take a step back to really even examine this person and what's going on in this situation that's making this person even say these things now things get really heated this person might even just go straight into gaslighting it will only Gaslight you if they know it works so at the beginning phase of the relationship or really at any point there was usually a little bomb that was dropped a little a little gas lighting and they wanted to see how you were going to respond to that and if you conformed even the littlest bit where you started to doubt yourself they know that the more I keep doing this the more I'm going to eventually get this person to completely doubt themselves going to confuse you and create so much doubt that your own reality does doesn't even exist and that how you feel is absolutely wrong that you're gonna start to lose yourself now this is one that I feel like I've heard a lot of times and people don't really realize that this is actually a narcissistic tendency is mirroring when someone mirrors someone else really what it means is they're copying them they might begin to adopt similar interests and hobbies and beliefs and the way that they carry themselves all of a sudden you're like okay now this person just usually people say they're just kind of copying me and they're either buying the same clothes as me or they almost look like me or all of a sudden they start talking in similar ways as me and it's because this person has absolutely no idea who they are and you are intimidating to them and they want to have some a little bit of what you have so not every narcissist is going to be intimidated by you that they become very vindictive and want to cut you at your knees and they want to hurt you because you're so strong and powerful a lot of them are just I mean all of them are just riddled with insecurity but the way that insecurity shows up is different depending on the person that you're dealing with just because someone mirrors you doesn't mean they're narcissistic it could just be someone who is severely insecure but narcissists definitely exploit people in these ways if you yourself are a little codependent as well you actually might take this on as a compliment you might actually really enjoy it and this just starts to build a bond between the two of you and this is the narcissist angle in order to start controlling you however this person uses you whether it's for a ride whether it's to ask you favors or do things for them whatever it is I what I want you to understand is how to avoid this actually happening in order to avoid this happening there's a few things that you have to do number one you have to educate yourself on narcissism on being taken advantage of on all these things and that's what you're doing in this video but the next thing is I want you to also learn how to trust your intuition you see when we're unhealthy and we're wounded and we're codependent we don't oftentimes stop and pause and say how does this make me feel should I be doing this right now is it good for me to be doing this right now you don't really ask yourself those kind of questions where you were allowed to establish boundaries in your relationships with everyone even the people that aren't toxic and aren't unhealthy it's still about having clear boundaries on what is good for you and how you can take the best care of yourself you want to start paying attention to patterns that you see within a person when someone doesn't get their way how do they respond and start really learning about the different types of tactics that this person does to abuse you in any way you want to also learn how to communicate your boundaries with people this is probably one of the hardest things is the fear of Confrontation to not want to confront anyone on what it is that you think and how you feel and what works for you and what doesn't work for you so number one is kind of learning how to slow down a little bit bit and really ask yourself how does this make me feel and become an inquisitive on those little bells that are going off called your intuition but the next part is really just how can you practice more communicating what it is that you do need in a relationship and that you can't do something or you're not going to be able to help this person today or the behavior that they're giving you is not okay so the more comfortable and this takes practice and you become comfortable in doing this the more practice you do obviously the more you do something the better you get you're practicing how to learn how to hold on to yourself and not just react constantly when they become defensive or when they yell and scream or they throw a tantrum in any way learning how to really hold on to yourself that is a serious skill because you're detaching from your own ego or your own wound itself that doesn't feel good because it's not getting what it needs either so you don't want two wounded people coming to the table having this argument you want someone who's wounded on the other side of the table and you are healthy and you have your stuff together and you're practicing holding on to yourself doesn't mean you're going to do it perfect every single time but when you at least start to feel a little bit of that anger or uncomfortableness or ego or sadness or whatever it is that's coming up is that you put that aside and deal with that at another time and still engage in this conversation and maybe not even engage maybe you have to just detach from the conversation maybe you have to let this person know that you can no longer talk about this right now and you'll pick this up at a different time so any way that you can start to practice to have better self-control like we were talking about in the last video learning how to have boundaries which we have talked about extensively on this channel if you have not really practiced or understood boundaries I highly recommend going back and watching any of my videos on boundaries because it will be an eye-opener for you because it's a lot harder than you think especially when you've never done it before but learning also to the patterns that people have and in ways that they do use you is very important now I know that oh that's a lot to go over in one video it's a lot to work on at a time and just do little bits at a time this is not about you all of a sudden snapping your fingers and being completely different person it's going to take a little bit of time to do something different to heal yourself to get healthier to get better but I hope this video gave you a lot of information and tips and things that you can start working on today so if you have enjoyed this video don't forget to give it a thumbs up and subscribe down below if you are not a part of this community go find me on social Instagram Facebook threads Etc is all down below and Tick Tock and I'll see you in the next video guys take care

Channel: Stephanie Lyn Coaching

Views: 63,470

Keywords: narcissists use people, narcissistic abuse control, narcissitic manipulation, narcissists gaslighting, 8 signs someone is using you, am i being used, being used, exploitation, is he using me, is she using me, manipulate, manipulation, manipulation tactics, manipulative person, signs shes using you, using you, taking advantage, relationship problems, relationship advice, unhealthy vs healthy relationships, signs someone is using you, being used in a relationship

Id: wtt367hrrIQ

Length: 16min 42sec (1002 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 01 2023