Milton Jones Live At The Apollo

sorry good evening somewhere between murder and suicide there is a place called mercy side tell me does anyone here own a cat your houses stink someone's going to tell him some people like cats some people don't I was reading the other day apparently the Pope he's a cat Oh Holly Catholic they said about me that I was too immature to be a father but when I saw the first few seconds of my son's life I thought to myself yeah he's naked when my daughter was born she had jaundice so there she was small round and yellow we called her Melanie my parents came up last weekend because I keep them in the cellar that's not true I don't know who they are my grandparents their names of Poland D of course we just know them as gran and Grandpa Papapa Papapa any students here your houses stink someone's got em I worked as a doctor for the World Health Organization I didn't mean to I thought was auditioning for Doctor Who so sisters you know you really like that song it's raining men is that because you really love men you love the idea of them all falling out of the sky going splat on the ground really hard if it's because you like the idea of them going splat on the ground really hard is that because you really hate men well you love the idea of cleaning up recently on a flight to America all the way across my wife was going why don't you get an upgrade why don't you get an upgrade took a bit of time but in the end I've got a better wife in America you can be who you want to be in fact taxi drivers meet you at the airport with suggestions on pieces of card I decided to be Professor Aaron Lebovitz I was whisked across town to address a conference on clinical psychology briefly when I was in America I really got into the culture went into the shop and the guy said have a nice day and I didn't so a sued him during the course of conversation he said the phrase well you do the math I said don't you mean you do the maths that word is five letters not four he said well what's the difference I said one you do the math on a train to Newcastle the other day a guard came on and said when we arrive it will be 1938 time travel we're a bit late though arrived in the mid-seventies anyone here from up north your houses stink can't believe you fell for that those reward cards a rubbish and I got too many points and one of them and now I'm not allowed to drive well it's nice to have been here some of us have been able to share our joy by laughing out loud like that others by staring to be fair one or two of you have been smirking we'll enjoy that while you can because they banned smoking and smacking any aroma therapists here shame I had something for that just come back from Ireland it's great to be back went into a pub there no one had talked to me the beer was flat and they just stopped serving food anyway it turns out is one of those English themed pubs that's all for making masking nights

Channel: ArseRaptor

Views: 1,845,464

Rating: 4.7958159 out of 5

Keywords: andy, parsons, andrew, lawrence, milton, jones, stand, up, comedy, funny, arseraptor

Id: 473KIeo_Xv0

Length: 7min 57sec (477 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 09 2011

Reddit Comments

[u/sdwilly22]

This is not the Apollo I am familar with. Let's just say this guy would not last one second with that first joke. Mursyside? Is this is a town in England.

[u/yourenzyme]

After he struck out on those first two, I had to stop. Was there supposed to be humor there?

[u/DrPigeonShinz]

Wow is that laughter actually real or did they add it in? I could only stand the first 1:30 before turning it off. He's a cataholic? HAAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA no

[u/comradeLincoln]

This is really bad.