Mike Epps Comedy show Sacramento 9/25/21 Part 2

um [Applause] [Music] [ __ ] don't block yourself [Applause] everybody talking about their kids just going back to school i've been singing school [Music] [Music] got three kids ain't having no water [Music] i am make a good decision he was raised right i know you're dead do you think jokes see when your kids get exited it's your turn to live your [ __ ] life yeah some people still be in their kid's life when they get 18 that's their neighbors and juveniles because you let them love my folks to make you feel guilty because they know certain things you wanted to do what you couldn't do when it was a child and they didn't saw a witness when he was at the lowest part of your [ __ ] life they thought that [ __ ] all in your face you'd be trying to make up for that [ __ ] last night i'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart [ __ ] these kids [Applause] if you did everything to the best of your ability to raise your good your kids you are a good ass parent i wish one of my kids will tell me i ain't a good ass father i only just had one question for them go to all your activities and ship the actual basketball game for three hours and your ass don't even get in the game me and you on the bench here for another another [ __ ] and since when you're sincerely preparing you ain't a good ass child almost lost my job [ __ ] with you because ain't one of those dudes you hear communities all the time say put your hands on your keys you better not touch these soft [ __ ] they're not built like us still trying to raise your kids like he was raised you are making a [ __ ] mistake you gotta understand the dynamic our kids are not built like us we are inner city parents raisins urban ass kids these soft [ __ ] i just try to punish myself send him to his room this [ __ ] write a suicide note i don't know the walls are coming in on me like this [ __ ] can never go to jail he can't just stay in his own room with a xbox picture of the mother in this area [Music] my son got a concussion from falling in grass [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] you gotta give them helmets and shoulder pads you riding a bike [ __ ] you playing football these ain't jokes they feel like us [Applause] fish [Applause] [ __ ] these kids the kings ain't doing what [Applause] all you got to do is turn that wi-fi off [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] take that trash out [ __ ] i've seen 5g in your future [Applause] feeling good [ __ ] when it first came out now i was so long looked like it was tiring got up to the front i thought they were about to run out there was an old lady in front of me i just pushed it aside come on now you're gonna live your life [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] i trust falcon you trust the [ __ ] in the bathroom at the club who's smuggling from his ass but i'm wrong for trusting without you i just see you smoking a blunt [Music] but i'm wrong for trusting fashion and you just got off the shower [Applause] i just want my father to be consistent you understand you're all on this health tip down you're discovering you sitting back here coming i ain't taking too long to research [Applause] really [Applause] [Applause] [Music] [Music] i see [ __ ] right there talking all this [ __ ] been wearing a mask for 18 months ain't seen the difference in 18 years he had the cookouts just chewing on the left side of his mouth you know he might never have no macaroni and cheese get on that right too [ __ ] his whole neighborhood all that cheese going in there [Applause] dad she's ass fast [Music] like a crime scene you be trying to clean that [ __ ] up like you on law and order trying to get rid of the ambulances your kids coming in and looking at your gums on my daddy let me get something red hot you eat i ain't eating no red [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] jesus [Music] inside blood pressure island giraffe [ __ ] take two three four five diabetes still eating four pot like chicken salad come on i don't know why i'm dizzy i took [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] you don't love yourself [ __ ] helpless [ __ ] wealthy you ain't learning [ __ ] from this panda you should learn right now [ __ ] that bad [ __ ] all that none of this it don't matter if your ass ain't got no [Applause] [Music] here you ain't no ball slipping unless you know the status of yourself all that [ __ ] you playing and saying you want to live without ain't gonna matter [ __ ] if you ain't got your health health is like a good ass woman [ __ ] you don't know how much you needed don't miss that [ __ ] that [ __ ] you don't know how important your [ __ ] little toe is when you hit that [ __ ] [Music] what's wrong these ain't jokes i get a physical every year for my birthday that is my gift to myself and you need to know the status of your health and i cannot understand how anybody black don't have no health insurance our president barack obama put his whole political capital on the line for obamacare i am on obamacare the reason i'm on obamacare because i got a pre-existing condition so i couldn't get no insurance but lucky i'm blessing those guys and gave me that bag i was able to pay for all my medical procedures to maintain my health but even when i was approaches and choking they ain't having time for my danger i still didn't self-dedicate myself ain't no way you're gonna put all these hospitals up in these new urgent cares [ __ ] something wrong with my chest [ __ ] i'm gonna go home [Music] in the hospital like who your mobile blue cross and green shield you know i bring that [ __ ] tomorrow but i need to see somebody with a diploma i got a mole on my today i think one of these strippers don't call me slipping look at it turn into a rash it's running down the leg what i got do you think joking obamacare [ __ ] feel that stuff obama [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] all [Applause] [Music] walk [Music] [Applause] oh [Music] [Applause] [Music] just let the water run on there [Applause] scary [ __ ] in the world when you get a physical you know you get to get your diapers off you got to wait on your laptops cause they enjoy your blood you send them to the [ __ ] man you gotta wait go back and get your results i'm scared because based upon the results of your they could change your [ __ ] life not brothers gonna get physical they don't need to go back and get their laughs back on this [ __ ] y'all it's a scary [ __ ] in the world got mine's done the doctor came in said i'm doing doc he said well your lapras came back everything's looking good you just have one minor discrepancy say what's that he said your psa is high he said what's that he said that's the indication of your prostate you being a black man prostate cancer is prevalent in your community what i want you to do is go back and see the reception in the front and make a report before you do the prostate exam with your physical sure they get to see you in a month and a half running behind i'm like no [ __ ] [ __ ] that [ __ ] [Music] over your face you ain't got no insurance [ __ ] it is your ass these ain't jokes thing another five years if you ain't got no insurance you made a call 9-1-1 but you ain't gonna get no ambulance again let's do it today so i started rolling down my sleeves what's the doctor like now we don't do a prostate exam like that say how you doing he said he did that with a record exam i said i don't think i got that on my phone [Music] so my doctor said stop playing just go in the other room there's a game behind the door take your clothes off put the gown on come on back i'll be going do the exam i'm telling y'all right now i have been rich my whole life and i'm not talking about monetarily talking about rich the blessing of my god [Applause] i have never had no surgeries i ain't never had no broken bones other than this wrist right here riding that raggy ass small it wouldn't close so i stuck my head out i said doctor need a bigger gown this was too small he said no you got it all wrong turn it around i said i'd be damned i know i'm wearing this down right [Music] [Applause] they've only got one sock [ __ ] my foot that [ __ ] going down and cracking my ass and if we doing the record exam i know i'm wearing this down right cause you got to lift this [ __ ] and let me know it's about to go that's [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] but i need to know what's about to happen [Music] so i walk out the back with the girl on like a rose just holding my dick like i'm ready he said did i tell you you got the gallon all wrong i said i'll be damned you see i said give me another gallon i'm not gonna give you another game so that they gonna get mad if you're gonna be like all right let's [Applause] right now i think we need to reschedule [Applause] gonna hit this [ __ ] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] [Music] is [Music] [Music] leave [Music] [Applause] y'all [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] yes ladies it's the sexiest song they've made in a long time ain't it this [ __ ] right here is so goddamn sexy sing it if you will [Music] that's the sexiest [ __ ] they made in a long time [Applause] we like that [ __ ] let's keep it real lady we like that [ __ ] cause bruno mars is this [ __ ] tall light skinned with curly hair if the same dude you got right now said that same [ __ ] with a trip he'll be like what you doing where you at oh you got plans don't say that you'll be like then you go with that controller [ __ ] [Applause] we like that [ __ ] cause that [ __ ] two feet tall light skinned with curly hair are y'all having a good time so far on a second let's go i hope y'all like that these [ __ ] bringing y'all some heat we got fire going we got um be sure to catch uh the t-shirts are on sale in the lobby the uh in real life comedy tour t-shirts are on sale in the lobby y'all thank y'all for your support we get ready turn it up a notch if you all don't mind fellas y'all still with us better than that fellas y'all still with us see i'm wondering women i love listen i love the black man i just [Applause] see as a black man in america it is very dangerous with all the police brutality and [ __ ] like that like you can get killed in a simple traffic stop so i feel your pain that's why as a black woman with short hair i keep a [ __ ] wig in my car when i put my seatbelt [Music] oh you all ready to take this thing to another level everybody say yeah ladies and gentlemen your headliner tonight is an international superstar slamming sages all over the country put your hands together [Applause] hey [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hey [Music] [Applause] [Music] uh [Music] [Applause] who ain't got no pennies on i smell turkey bacon yeah [Applause] some [ __ ] yelled too when i said you ain't got no panties on top but nothing [Laughter] [Music] my man i appreciate that night i might do an apollo cocaine on the stage and i can't get to i ain't gonna sleep in two days boy y'all looking good up in this [ __ ] we exact town this is the capital of [ __ ] california man yeah people don't know that [ __ ] this is the capital [ __ ] i know about sac town now [ __ ] and they got some beautiful ladies out here i see y'all came out y'all got y'all [ __ ] did up to this weekend i go to some cities this hard to look an audience i mean i was a seaside [ __ ] man it was hard to look at the audience and two of them got backstage they ain't had no neck it was two two little big back [ __ ] they were just they were strolling the whole back thing like this two sisters [Music] and i ran i seen them got up out of there but they caught me as soon as i came in there they were standing there like this what's that mike what you doing after this i said going to bed [Music] i said security two water heaters with lasers over here two truth of gobblers is indian following me right now where the fat vegans there where are the fat vegans [ __ ] [Applause] i'm gonna burn some lime [ __ ] i don't eat that i don't eat that i don't eat that well you eating something [ __ ] i got a cousin she's 400 pounds she called me crying the other day i said what's wrong she said like they snatching women in the neighborhood [Applause] i said what are you worried about [Applause] she's been running down the street with him ever been getting snacks [Music] [Applause] what does that tell you they didn't see you get the [ __ ] out of here so she finally got snatched i got a call last thursday night they [ __ ] grabbed her ass i talked to the detective he said it wasn't easy mr abs it was about a two-hour process getting in the van i watched the tape she got in the van she climbed underneath the noodle there's a lot of [ __ ] in california with these white girls in here you didn't pay to get in and you had your ticket two months ago [ __ ] [Applause] in here with a white girl [ __ ] had your ticket already a couple months ago y'all had them tickets look at that show again that's how i'm [ __ ] my girls are we gonna enjoy yourself we're gonna get your tickets and you're gonna enjoy yourself you're gonna enjoy yourself todd black woman about a ticket and won't tell you they got it and just be poking you all through the week you still won't go to that shuttle [Applause] [ __ ] this [ __ ] [Applause] yeah man all kind of beautiful people fellas never date a woman who don't respect your wife i don't mean to say i say the wrong [ __ ] that [ __ ] came out wrong i know y'all see me with these braids i'm going through a midlife price right now these [ __ ] are tight anybody got a tylenol in the audience i got a headache like a [ __ ] here trying to be young [ __ ] [Applause] it's hard trying to stay young man you know what i mean because that's why i always see old people they they be going fast and they might but their body be slow come here suddenly this is how fast they going in their head [Applause] that's why if you take old people anybody that's their grandfather they got any [ __ ] about leg problems and [ __ ] take them to the casino as soon as they get there i'll be right back baby you be right there [Music] this [ __ ] couldn't walk all day [Applause] [Music] i know y'all seen my new uh tv show the upshot hauls on netflix i appreciate your support then my auntie said i seen your new show with tommy davidson i said that's why i'm the sykes [Applause] [ __ ] out there right now see you the young girls out there be on instagram you can't be posting your ass all the time cause your grandmama gonna see you you all know she gonna look cuz somebody in the car is gonna show you guys my luck man that [ __ ] [ __ ] on the blood again as soon as you come back from miami your grandmother i need to talk to you for a minute let's just get out of here [Music] [Applause] [Applause] and your uncle accidentally hit the light over there [Music] when they confronted here i don't know nothing about that chick that computer [ __ ] i seen the picture but i don't know i didn't get [ __ ] [ __ ] your like is on the picture [ __ ] you go on his page all his pictures is on there like here a lot of beautiful ladies in here if you're beautiful and you know it makes some noise [Applause] [Music] if you're beautiful and just don't know it make some noise okay three dumb ass chicks [Music] if you're not beautiful at all come on now if you're not beautiful at all that's right but your confidence is through the roof and people still want to [ __ ] you make some noise look at that [Applause] that's right don't let the eyes deceive your beauty is some other [ __ ] you know what i mean yeah cause it didn't all make the girls look like beyonce in the club not having a good time sad the girls would look like kurt tracy and having a ball [Music] [Applause] gross beast there's some young girls in here right now with an old [ __ ] named mr rick and brought them to the if show got a girlfriend if he having money and you can't find out where the [ __ ] is getting money this is what you get today mr rick some old man that walks like this and he's of being here he's ready to be seen he's tired of it take me to a concert or something [ __ ] i'm ready to be seen don't keep on hiding me i just got the three lending outfits and a sip when they go out see in front of them come on mr ray area [Applause] [ __ ] you got pictures of yourself in the 80s all around the house don't you ever get that [ __ ] up [Applause] [Music] [Applause] on the bottom [Music] your teeth hide your tongue so if you ain't got no teeth you all toned people ain't gonna kick you again everything they do to tongues sex with me older women know how to ask for that money look at this [ __ ] right here i know how i know your ass do the older women know how to ask a [ __ ] for some money well after they give them some [ __ ] this out of older women your mama and i and them ask for a [ __ ] for money today baby i know we you enjoyed yourself we've been together for the last two hours and i was just wondering since since we have been together that you lay a few dollars on me so that i can do something nice for myself [Applause] yeah that's how your mama used to ask what's [Applause] what the [ __ ] is that i'm trying to fight me like that i'm gonna have the [ __ ] police over here in five point [ __ ] that's right you [ __ ] fall in love [ __ ] you gonna pay for it you know what i'm saying falling in love ain't cheap [ __ ] yeah i got a divorce [ __ ] my ex-wife took everything dog cat playstation you know how my name is this [Applause] that's the worst [ __ ] to get caught cheating while you sleep [ __ ] found that phone wake the [ __ ] up oh my god [ __ ] because you don't know it was a dream or what you just like who is this cultivates right now oh my god call the [ __ ] right now that will kill a [ __ ] right there call the [ __ ] yes call the [ __ ] the phone ringing you hoping she did this blizzard please be denied last night this don't have this phone be dead [Music] again fine you run down the street two hours later i'm sorry about talking to you like that i put the money in the campaign [Applause] [Music] i'm gonna write a book called life after being in the subject [Music] because everybody in here didn't sucker at least once hey come on man especially us fellas [ __ ] how many times you didn't been a [ __ ] sucker for love you didn't [ __ ] cuss some girl out she won't answer the phone [ __ ] you said sick can't eat and you got a friend standing there saying [ __ ] her man you was looking for a chick when you found her oh that [ __ ] sounds good till the night time come i'm back lonely again you don't want to hear no sauce sauce cut the [ __ ] [ __ ] off the [ __ ] right now [ __ ] broke up with your [ __ ] girl than a [ __ ] to dance like this [Applause] when they don't answer that phone that [ __ ] [ __ ] hurt because you leave messages all weekend you don't leave no messages just keep going straight to voicemail yeah [ __ ] that hurt by monday you start leaving a message see this is crazy three days i know you ain't that mad now i gave you a break but damn call me back bye she ain't calling back off that [ __ ] second day real different so you really really tripping i'm gonna get help [Music] i'm gonna go get help i'll talk to the lady thursday i'm gonna do my part i'm gonna be cause i told you i had some childhood [Applause] [Music] bye [Applause] good morning i hope i was well god is good just wanna let you know you got some mail over here i don't know if you want me to drink it to you or drop it over your mom's house or whatever you want me to do put up i got the mail and i can bring it to you oh man i love you man i love you man [Music] she didn't that that made her post a picture now she [ __ ] with you now she imposed a picture with some flowers to say new beginnings this is when the violence come out right here ain't no [ __ ] new beginnings gonna let you know right now if you're with a man i'm gonna kill him me you we did come back [Applause] one of those fake suicide [ __ ] fake tears you get caught cheating you can be cried i don't want to live no more the devil's just luckily you worse than the devil baby then when you in the dog house would a woman in the house be quiet you don't know what to say you say stupid ass [ __ ] like boys did they say what's going to be 80 degrees now that [ __ ] didn't work right there i better get out of this [ __ ] room real quick heated up that didn't work if she asks you a question you get into it okay let me look up here for you i think [Applause] one time i had this white girl butt [ __ ] before we in there she said do what you do daddy so i tied rugged robber i want to start two vcrs and a toaster that's what that's what i was doing at the time stealing this [ __ ] working in houses [Music] i was [ __ ] this black girl one time she was ghetto she said talk nasty to me [ __ ] i whispered in here i said your kitchen i see you i told you to clean that [ __ ] i didn't stop [ __ ] i can't i told you clean this [ __ ] [Music] out [Applause] [Applause] speaking of dick i might be the only thing that got stung in the dick by a beat when i was a kid i'm not lying playing football beat hit me in the dick i went to the doctor i told the doctor man oh i told him take the pain out i told him leave that swelling though [Applause] [Music] for 30 [Music] you didn't stop me either [ __ ] [Applause] [Applause] halloween's coming up a lot of y'all don't need no outfit i went to a haunted house last year in detroit and then the back of it was a halfway house so you know who the monsters was [ __ ] just came home from doing 20 years and 30 years some real monsters as soon as we walk in the haunted house i smell weed i told my kids this ain't right this is not supposed to smell like no [ __ ] weed my kids still want to go in there first monster come out like this [Applause] [Applause] so his cape letting down long enough so we could see his shoes the kids like he got the georgies on i'm like oh man what the [ __ ] is we gonna get this [ __ ] is already [ __ ] up he noticed his name pulled the mask up like yeah i said man don't know that man [ __ ] scared me for the money man i said yeah you know right now i'm doing a little monster thing you know me which i get on my feet [Applause] i said that's fine [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i knew this [ __ ] was gonna rob us man we walk in another room it's a monster sitting there rolling weed [Music] now that i'm grown i'm going to admit a lot of [ __ ] i used to be in bed y'all the only reason why i peed in the bed because our heat was cut off that was my only one moment if you run into a [ __ ] that's 12 years old to smell like peeps smoking cigarettes you better get away from y'all got some food in there yeah 12 hair on his chin already [ __ ] overlapping [Music] all the [ __ ] she gave me and my brothers i i don't know women's boyfriend i don't want to see her right now i'm asking them [ __ ] questions she talked about where ms barbara had you could be the new one [Applause] [Music] bad water ready sounds very estate um her son's gonna kill you i'll never pull up at you at the gas station [ __ ] i'm gonna kill you better get the thing yeah cause there's a lot of men getting beat in here man how many guys are getting beat tell the truth now this is a real thing y'all y'all laughing there's some men getting beaten here they're silently getting beat first of all you're getting beat because you don't have a job that'll make a [ __ ] hit you upside the head every five minutes again they can't see you doing nothing no eating nothing you have to breathe [Music] [Music] paying no bills she said don't leave a trace yeah i know how to tell these stories because before i was a comedian i was always i keep saying him and them it's me i'm the [ __ ] that i'm talking about [Music] that's some real [ __ ] it took me a long time to just start telling the truth and i want to tell some more to it you want to hear some more truth [Applause] i'm tired of acting like i don't like white people i only do it in front of black people white people if you heard how i talked about y'all in front of black people and then i go back to my gated community and hug my neighbor brand cindy and feel my love and get drunk [Applause] [Music] we want to do another we want to do a moment of silence for my man aj johnson y'all aj johnson another friday member man you know what i mean man man john witherspoons default [Music] aj oh man we ain't gonna be ain't nobody gonna be left to do another friday ain't nobody believe iq michael black i've been looking for cat williams they said this [ __ ] in a motorcycle game man [Applause] y'all make sure y'all go check that out when they come in town you know make sure make sure y'all stay black keep supporting each other man keep god first don't worry about no pandemic if you got faith in the lord that's the real vaccine right there [Applause] oh [Music]

Channel: LeVar Jones

Views: 121,120

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Id: UuqNEr9LSdY

Length: 61min 38sec (3698 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 26 2021