DOMINO EFFECT part 3: FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL [90 minute Stand Up Comedy Special] by Ali Siddiq

[Music] you have the right to remain silent  anything you say can and will be used   against you in a court of law you  have the right to an attorney and   if you cannot afford an attorney one  will be appointed for you [Applause] hey so as soon as them doors Clos on that police  call everything that you've ever heard about   being locked up comes to your mind right then  everything you've ever heard I'm sitting in   that car cuz it's small it's small it's not  even built for people to be back there it's   I'm I'm a little dude I'm 5'7 if you  anything past 5'8 your feet you just   in there I don't know I don't it's a big piece  of plexiglass they just you you just back that you and it's so tight I just laid down  [Applause] I'm and as I'm riding hitting bumps on the I'm thinking about everything  I've ever heard from a kid my uncle Mac first thing I heard everybody being  locked the MC M hey man [ __ ] ever try you   you going to bust they [ __ ] open soon  as they say something bust they [ __ ] out for for for what cuz that's what [ __ ]  do in the penry soon as they try you bust they   [ __ ] over I say but I'm 10 I'm not going to the  penitentiary I don't even like being on punishment   I know damn well I ain't going to Penitentiary  say [ __ ] you don't know [ __ ] you don't know now I'm in this situation I'm thinking  and then you get to the county you get to   where they going to lock you up in the it's  a it's a Sally little salad P they pull you   into and and a big door go down and you  trying to look at your last little bit of freedom and now you are in holding and  holding is dangerous than a [ __ ] oh   holding is dangerous man and it's cra right  cuz you they not really checking people like   you think when you get arrested they they and  then put you in the car and then they get you   to holding and man I'm in holding it's a dude  come up to me hey youngster youngster youngster [Music] youngster he say he look I  want you to look out for them law   for me man I got these goddamn jeans  on with all these pockets and I found   me a little piece of crack man I  need you to hold hold it down for what hey youngster hold me look here  watch the long for me man I didn't   found me a little piece of crack in  the goddamn Z cavar riches what is this so you know this the 90s cuz the  book out on zcar reaches and I'm at the   bars and I'm looking for the Lo from cuz he  is smoking crack in holding in holding got a   lighter everything and I'm I'm keeping  my face outside the ball I don't want   to be [Applause] affected ain't nobody else  concerned about this boy smoking this cracking here and as I'm sitting there thinking  about everything he smoking crack and I'm   think something came to my head my partner  Troy partner Troy Troy am man [ __ ] County   Jail wow boy it's [ __ ] up in that county  jail and I'm thinking about what Troy told   me cuz me and my partner Jeffrey we at the  park and we see Troy Troy come what's up boy   we like Troy where you been [ __ ] yeah just  got down to that County Jail boy just came   out the county 10 floow got the floow [ __ ]  be down there squabbling like a [ __ ] boy and me and Jeffrey looking at  Troy we thinking the same thing   didn't Troy have a go Troy had a  gold tooth now it's just a empty space and I said Jeffrey didn't Troy have  a goal in his mouth Jeffrey say [ __ ] he   say t flow glad the floow [ __ ] be down there  squabbling he must have been losing like a [ __ ] and I'm in this holding and I'm thinking man  I I don't want to go 10th floor cuz they be   squading like a [ __ ] up there and Troy  had a goal Troy lost his tooth on the 10th   floor man they um when they start bringing  you out the holding sale hey come here all   y'all come here over here line up you don't  know what to do the crackhead dude in front   of me just follow me I'm like no [ __ ] you  on crack [ __ ] not following you [ __ ] you   going to tell me just follow him [ __ ]  you all I just seen you smoking crack in here and um I I don't like this whole process cuz  they bring you out and they man this is this is   slavery yeah cuz I'm I'm feeling I'm cuz I don't  like lines because of this situation here I'm me   it's just tight in here I'm I don't want to be  in this hey man can you back up a little bit   come on out everybody St go take a shower go take  a shower with with everybody you they bathed you   they give you some clothes and now they've been  assign your ass a floor and I'm sitting there I   don't want to go to the 10th floor GL at the  floor they be squabbling up there I want to   get out I want to get out but in order to get  out you got to you got to make bond you got to   go to the floor got to call somebody you got  to get on the phone and they H they about to   house us we housing everybody right here it's a  dude named Sergeant Smith got a clipboard coming through troublemakers in here  yeah fa sign you boys some flows   let me see what we got going on  Sanchez eth floow Johnson ninth floow amorz seven Flo smar 11 Flo oh that's wrong to  the [ __ ] ain't no 11 Flor that's the Gil hey y'all got 11 that b can't  be on the left floor that's the   gym that's seven [ __ ] that goddamn show is seven seven float Ali P Flo [Applause] can you can you look on  it again cuz you just got hit flow wrong he going to show me some [ __ ] look right   there they T they no 10 right there  yeah that's a 10 yeah with your scary ass yeah you going 10 floow I said what tank  he said 10 B3 I said godamn cuz I just heard   about I just heard about 10 B3 it's a  dude in holding he up there talking he   saying hey look here I don't know if  you boys been a jail before but what   you don't want to do is go to a corner  tank Corner tank you can die in that [ __ ] I said hey man I I I don't know  you but what what you mean you die [ __ ]   Corner tank dangerous than a [ __ ]  man see front tank they just see you   in the front everybody in the front  corner tank it's like a look you go   around a corner it's in the back [ __ ]  K you back there Bry I said um but I'm innocent am I the only one in here innocent is  is [ __ ] up there guilty or innocent what is   h cuz if they going to if they killing folk man  this [ __ ] acting real guilty around here dog this they young some [ __ ] that's how this  [ __ ] go man you don't go no goddamn Corner   tank and this man and already assigned  me the 10 B3 which is a [ __ ] Corner   tank he already said you know cuz he said it  he said man [ __ ] what you don't want to do   you don't want go to 10 D2 that's a corner  tank 10 C1 Corner tank 10 B3 Corner tank they assign you to your floor the deputy come  get you they take you to your floor and they   give you two sandwiches two sandwiches one is  a baloney sandwich I don't eat porks I ain't   eating that the other one is a peanut butter  sandwich it's peanut butter and something else   mixed and they don't even put the peanut butter  all the way on the bread they they mix they they   do it like that and they pull it back up so  it's just a a circle you got to tear all the   bread off you get a little quarter of peanut  butter throw that in your mou and your full   you got to you know little quarter of peanut  butter sandwich all the rest of it just bread   okay and you get it rolled up in a little bag  but the thing is when you first get locked up   you ain't eating nothing cuz you thinking I'm  get out of this [ __ ] you ain't want to eat   nothing day one you ain't eating nothing I'm  and I'm I ain't in the tank yet I'm they put   you going to put you in the hallway cuz they  dropping off other prisoners on this floor and   I'm in um the salad Port look it's a little  breeze way and I'm standing there my little bag and as I'm standing there  this dude man no shirt on got   his jumper roll down got a wife  beat on look like he did 7,000 push-ups and he looking at me looking at me he yeah yeah yeah that's him yeah that's him right there I don't know who he talking I don't think he  talking to me I just cuz it's a lot of people in   in in the all a lot of people getting a sign I'm  just and he man let me describe this boy about 59   little short brown dude three goals in his mouth  three goals I seen him I'm like yeah he won all   his fights he got all his goals in his mouth that  Bo got three we goes no missing teeth this boy   is a winner in here cuz this in flo these boys  be squabbling up here that's what they [Music] told stocky low cut I don't know his  name until this other dude say his   name name Brian he sitting there yeah  that's him right there yeah Brian say   boo poo who is it he said that's the  [ __ ] right there that slapped my sister I'm like man who is this wife  beting ass boy this boy say he slap   this man's sister I don't know what the  [ __ ] he talking about I'm looking down   like maybe hey man which one of y'all  boys slap this man's sister and he yeah   yeah when your [ __ ] ass come in here I'mma  beat your [ __ ] ass slap my [ __ ] sister [Applause] Ho clearly somebody need  to say something they snap this man's sister Brian about 64 he ain't  got no shirt on he yeah slap my   partner sister huh yeah as soon as  you come in here and your goddamn ass and I'm sitting there I don't know what they talking about I'm  not I really don't think I'm involved in this   cuz I've never slapped a woman so I know I ain't  slapped this man's sister and I'm not riled up   about this this I'm just okay we'll talk about  it when we get in there if it's if it if it's   me I don't I don't think this is me I don't  get mad until this Mexican gets a sign it's a   Mexican dude get a sign a tb3 and he's standing  next to me on the wall and these Mexicans see him it's say it's say [Applause] and the mexan dude eating his sandwich then next thing I know  ch ch your friend CH friend another little short mesy come go next thing I know this is our all this  [ __ ] is friendly it's none of this is   none of this is aggressive they like hey  when you come in here you see we in the   bag we take care of you and I'm sitting  there like what so the Mexicans see each   other and they didn't became friends and  this [ __ ] talking about how to slap this [Applause] sister now I'm I I can't wait I  can't wait now to get in there CU   now I'm pissed now I'm I'm just  in there like oo B come open the door cuz y'all about to get y'all ass whooped now  cuz I'm P this some [ __ ] this some [ __ ] racism [ __ ] you [ __ ] trying to fight me and  I'm innocent in here [ __ ] are you innocent okay the sheriff come drinking his key yeah  yeah now don't have me come back down   here once you get in there look they be  fighting up here I get in it is a dude   it's a when you first walk in it's the  shower then it's the back then it's the   front and it's a bunk right there and it's  a empty bunk on the top bunk on the bottom   is a dude sitting there he I don't know who  he is cuz he's sitting on under his blanket   I don't see him he sleep and it's it's a  top bunk I come put all my stuff down my [Music] sandwich and my paperwork  I had some paperwork there and poo   poo sitting down I go right up hey  man what's up he what what I said   what's up you said I slapped your sister  what's up who were like [ __ ] you want a fight I said now you said I SL your sister  and what you going to do when I get in here   beat your what's up PO get up Brian come  over he say man this [ __ ] really want a fight Brian like what this [ __ ] really want  to fight he said I said yeah y want to fight   and he say man look man we just be [ __ ] with  people dog we ain't got [ __ ] else in here to [Applause] [Music] do you say you see we ain't say [ __ ]  after you wasn't scared [ __ ] we ain't scared big six to the board but I'm still mad and then I hear something then I hear   something they are back there  beating the [ __ ] out that me this [ __ ] was not friendly they beat the shut  I seen him running back there [Music] crazy this your first day in the county  you in there and you ain't ate nothing day two   you ain't ate nothing you ain't ate or drank  nothing cuz I've been on the phone calling everybody I've been on this phone talking to  everybody I can talk to but my mama I ain't   call my momma can't call her it she got to be  the last she she last some people say your mama   first no not when you selling dope your mama is  last you don't want your mama to know nothing I   need to be I need to be on the street before  I tell my mama what's going on with me but it   ain't happening um day three I didn't I didn't  exhausted and see this is this is this is the   time y'all don't know how many phone calls  I made cuz this is the time I'm not I'm not   in this world now where y'all don't know  [ __ ] where you everything on your phone   I have 877 numbers stored in my goddamn head  I know everybody number by heart I'm calling   everybody I call I call every old teachers  hey this and you said if I ever needed you coach I'm calling everybody the person I want to call she's  in the Navy my sister my sister would   have came and got me she's in the Navy  ain't no calling her so I had to break down and call my mama my mama Man this ain't this  ain't the phone call you want to make my mama was   humming when I called her cuz I didn't call her  I didn't call caller um from the prison phone I   called somebody and had them call home threeway I  need to I need the buffer all Len I need a buffer   I can't call my mama collect she already know what  this is I need to my mama answer the [Music] phone   hello I said hey mama hey baby I said um mama  what you doing I'm out in the garden what's up mama you you you having a good day though yeah baby I having a good day  what's going on um [ __ ] oh baby you   just cuss no not really that was people in  the background talk um Mama um I'm I'm I'm   I'm I'm I'm locked up what you boy what you  locked up for I said Mama um they say I was [Applause] um Mama M they they say um they say  I was trafficking I was I was trafficking and   um I'm down here and I got I got a I got to get  a bond I got to get a lawyer got mama what baby   what say it again Mama they caught me with 5  kilos of dope mama and $992,000 Mama and a gun   that gun was mine Mom I'm sticking that the gun  was mine the gun was not mine mama my momma my   mom my mom crying she crying we going to get  you I say mom my um my bond is a 150,000 she said I said Mama don't don't  don't trip on that I I I got   that I got that said babe where you got that at say mama you know when I come over your house   and I do all that gardening with you  you going to have to dig them Bonas [Applause] up it's a it's a bunch of money under  Mia's Mama this side This Side Story my mama my   mama's so righteous that um my sister told me this  my sister told me this my sister came they just   came from the Navy on leave just so happened on  leave to my mama is in the garden trying to dig   the money up my sister helping my mama dig the  money up my mama don't want to touch the money I   ain't touching that dirty money I ain't touching  that dirty money my mama got kitchen mitts [Applause] on my mama don't want to touch the money  that's side that's side though okay so my Mama being my mama she trying to do what  she can do my mother sends an attorney to the   county to talk to me she my momma got me an  attorney my momma got me the wrong kind of   attorney my momma got me a goddamn personal  injury attorney I don't know what's wrong   with this [ __ ] this [ __ ] come out here  like he got a lawsuit briefcase coming there   look at man looked at my files and said  let's see what we got here we got here   what we got here a hell no man what was you  thinking man who got 5 kilos of dope in the   hood I say everybody I know [ __ ] what are  you talking everybody [ __ ] what you talking about I call my momma I said hey Mama that  that that attorney right there ain't going   to work cuz he asked me who got this much  dope in the hood everybody you think I'm   selling this [ __ ] to random strangers  this is people I know man so I'm talking   to people in there boy somebody hey look  here man you going to have to get you a   drug attorney people who know how to move I'm  saying like this you know what I'm saying you   going to have to get you a real attorney so  I get somebody who somebody suggested to me   that um had been locked up before he he man  look here what you want to do get Mr Stewart   so I call him I call him I say hey man got  a little situation you know come down visit   in the county Stewart come down there white old  white attorney jeans on v-neck t-shirt flip flops no briefcase he come down there he got he flip fop  on he look here look here all right I see what you   got I see what you got going on you know this  a little nice little drug case you got going on   now let me tell you being straight up if you give  me $80,000 right now this all this [ __ ] will go away I'm like no as soon as he did this  [ __ ] n [ __ ] that's cocaine moves   right there that [ __ ] that's cocaine [ __ ]  all that's cocaine that [ __ ] said give me 80,000 now I know you going to make all of it go  away my 80,000 everything going to be in your nose boy n I'm cool on you g so um I um got a black attorney by the name of Rio   Harris I'm saying his name cuz he  passed so he ain't going to sue me Rio Harris comes to see me smooth little  brother nice little afro I like a I like an   attorney with afro come in at here brother  now we are definitely in a conundrum here brother um I'mma I'mma do my best to get you  the least amount of time I can get you if I   can't win it because you got a lot of you  got a lot going on they have tape and they   got film and they have they have a they have  a mountain of evidence against you and I said   but they ain't got no concrete evidence  against he said that is not a legal term   I don't know what concrete evidence is  but they got a lot of sheetrock on your ass you got a hell of a foundation on your ass boy it say so you know I just wanted to  initially meet you and talk to you about   your Kate now this is going to cost you and  my fee is going to be about 45 I'm going to   charge about 45,000 I said um cool um but I  need you to get me out of here I need cuz I   can make this Bond he said no we a going  to be able to do that um I said what you   mean I can't make the bond okay let's  just just just just talk about it um   you're 19 you don't have a job your bond  is $150,000 you saying you can make the [Music] [Applause] bar you make the bond  and I go in there and say he ain't selling [Applause] drugs so at least at least you going to  have to let me take you through a proc   process we go to bond reduction we go to  bond reduction they reduce your bond and   then you make that Bond you get out let me  do my job I like got you Rio I Believe In   You CU that's smart that's smart if I make the  150,000 I'm damn so guilty and I got it I got   it but Rio say stay put we going to take  you to bond reduction okay but I'm still   locked up still in the county and I still I'm  going through County [ __ ] and and I I don't   like being in here man and man this is it's  loud it's dirty I'm I'm I'm classy I don't I don't and I'm innocent let's get back  they ain't got no concrete evidence on me and people one day person hey man um when  boys get time man do they be do they be cool   or they just do they just take their time  on the Chan or they What's happen he said   man he said man [ __ ] be tough this [ __ ]  that y'all don't never see when you see them   people on TV they be they get their time  and they like oh whatever that ain't that   ain't what it's like you get your time  and then you come back to the sale and   you go under the blanket this is what we call  going under the blanket now your eyes ain't   closed y you ain't your eyes ain't closed  you just under that blanket contemplating on this [ __ ] you about to go through now and  this and it's tight it's tight man this dude Brian Brian says hey man yeah y'all  see this y'all go to court today boy   I'm done them boys ain't got nothing on  me this what an innocent man look like   feel me you know what I'm saying see you  boys man y'all have at it man y'all can   have everything I bought I'm out of here today  last Court dat y'all see what a free man look like now he go to court he's at court I'm in  the law library I'm in the law library cuz I'm   I'm reading up on my case I need to know what  I'm facing now out of read there's two there   three different charges that could be you know  delivered to you when you got cocaine you can   get a conspiracy you can get a possession or you  can get a intent to deliver I didn't read the time   conspiracy starts 20 20 years delivery 15 years  possession five but it go from five to life 15 to   life 20 to life I don't went to the law library I  didn't read everything I come back to the sale and   boys in that quiet they playing Domino's quietly  I'm confused these boy loud they playing domino [Music] quietly 15 I come he man what's  up he said man huh what's up I look on the bunk in the corner Brian is under the [Applause] blanket young boy there he say he  say me yeah Brian um just got back   he he went under the blanket and  I don't know this I say he sleep no thanking I said think my way thinking  about that time I said how much time he   got he said [ __ ] that boy got the goddamn  Gallop this when you start learning prison   slang jail slang really you talk about the  gall I said the gallop yeah that boy got the [ __ ] what is [ __ ] what what's the goddamn  Gallop he said [ __ ] [ __ ] quot H I said a   Quarter House what's a quarter house I don't know  a Quarter House said a quarter house I said what   is a quarter house and it's old dudes old dudes  don't give a damn old dudes eat man dude he must   have just woke up he said quarter who the hell got  25 years I said 25 years say [ __ ] that's what   the [ __ ] quos is that boy [ __ ] around and  got the [ __ ] I said the [ __ ] yeah that boy habitual he said yeah you got three strikes boy  they get your ass the [ __ ] [ __ ] they get your   ass 25 years with your disrespectful  ass out here disrespecting the world [ __ ] you just going to keep  doing crying they going to lock   your [ __ ] ass up boy 25 years ass  up there under the blanket with 25   goddamn [Applause] Years everybody  else in there I don't give a goddamn I said man everybody in there being quiet  old school get your ass up on that goddamn   blanket [ __ ] yeah you wasn't AC like that  when y was out there robbing [ __ ] and [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] on here crying  up under that goddamn blanket old   school went snatch that man blank  get your ass mother that goddamn blanket these [ __ ] in here playing trying to everybody  be quiet cuz your ass got all that goddamn time big six to the poor [ __ ] fny [ __ ] here being quiet cuz this [ __ ]  around here get your ass up [ __ ] [Applause] old school don't give a damn and I'm and I'm 25 years that's crazy  I call Rio I got right on the phone I call   Rio I say Rio hey man come down here I need to  talk to you man come down here Rio come visit me R I've been a la libr researching my case  right um I went down out it's three three   different things you can get delivery conspiracy  possession right I need you to get me down to a possession so that's this just  just let me run through it for you okay so you want me to go in the court  and say that you was smoking 5 kilos of [Applause] DP I'm looking at Rio I'm like I'm trying  to understand the problem here you going   to have to go in there telling people I  got a habit you going to have to go so   you want me to tell the people you  smoking five kilos of dough I said   yes R Rio look me in my face say hey man  I'm going just say that stay out that la liary like just stay out the la la bird let me  do my job I got you real late so I'm I'm on the   Block and man people are getting time up here they  getting time I'm in here fighting my case I come   back from the gym it's a dude a mexan dude that  got the real [ __ ] I come in mesing dude under   the blanket I look I what's up why call under  that blanket he said [ __ ] boy everybody in there   tripping car got that thing I said car got what  old school he go old school again Carlos got the [ __ ] I said what is the [ __ ] cuz you already  told me what the [ __ ] was and the quot host   that's a lot what is the [ __ ] he said man  [ __ ] you got a light in what I said he got   a license he said [ __ ] he got two of them  [ __ ] and soon as I heard he got two license   I said why is he in here why they why are they  housing no y y y'all not understanding like I   need somebody to explain to me this [ __ ]  this [ __ ] got 25 he got two life why I   am [Applause] innocent and why are they in here  hey man I y'all [ __ ] ain't got no answers um s sergeant Sergeant Baker came the hell you goddamn yelling for I say  s b let me let me let me talk to you let me   talk to you let me talk to you hey I'm I'm  going just ask man it's people in here that   already have time y'all ain't got no no tank for  people with time like they don't need to be in   here they already got their [ __ ] everybody  else is innocent we trying to fight our [ __ ] so like get your scary ass away from this goddamn  ball like I'm not scared he just has two life sentences he has two life sent he's  not supposed to be in here with me I'm I'm okay s can I say one more thing can I say  one thing I just want to see how much sense does   this make how much sense does this make I just  want to know I I am a non I have a nonviolent crime it's not it's not a place for nonviolent offenders I want to know why is this man being   house with me with two life sentences  and Sergeant told me to go lay my ass down I can't lay down I'm sitting there   reading the paper I'm reading the  paper cuz I'm watching his ass and as I'm reading the paper blessings  my judge the judge that I'm in his   courtroom Woody Denon judge Woody  Denson is in the paper on bribery [Applause] charges I call Rio Rio I need you down here Rio come down got the paper I said rio look at this look at this right here look at that see what that say real now  what I'm going to need you to do I'mma need you to get to  Woody dance tell Woody we got $80,000 and you can get that  80,000 he can let my [ __ ] disappear Rio so let me get this straight you want me to get to the  judge and tell him that you got $80,000 if he can make it disappear I'm going just I'mma just I'm going just   spit Ballers out the T if he's already  in the paper I think the timeline has [Applause] passed so what you saying  you ain't willing to try what it was say I want you to not go to the law library and   I don't I don't want you to  read the paper let me do my job Rio's gone he's not going to offer the money he they go off for the money now I am  in this County trying to figure out all type   of ways to just make it decent for myself  and and I got some bread cuz I got I got   two chicks I know this a it wasn't right but  I well I don't know it was right now I'm I'm   I wouldn't married to nobody I'm 19 I got two  girls I got my Maine and I got my down yeah I   got my main her name Pam my down name Kendra  at my main house I got $84,000 in a trash   bag and ones and fives at my main house at my  downouse I got 12 Grand at house I wish it was switched cuz my down put all my money on  my books my down my man didn't send me not   one single dollar while I was gone now I wish I  would have made another decision cuz my when my   down came to see me I said hey man I don't think  this girl going to put this money on my books my D said [ __ ] you want me to rob her I said no but I still have said yes 84 Grand gone I couldn't I couldn't even  believe it never even never even thought about   send me and I knew I knew that she was going  she was going to break like that cuz she was   weak in court we going to court she weak in court  now I was weak the first two times but I wasn't   weak at the end now you got to understand I'm in  court and the lady the prosecutor tripping I'm   sitting over there and the prosecutor said out  her mouth cuz I only went to court twice went   to court twice then they stopped letting me come  into the courtroom cuz I would have Outburst no   I would I I I would Outburst I ain't going to  lie because it was it was things that I didn't   agree with the prosecutor she going to say I  recommend 99 years I said [ __ ] who you think you [Applause] [Music] C I want to  know who she thought she got 99 [Music] years Rio turned to me shut up  I got this we need to reset he reset   reset 6 months I said R I can't do no six  month reset he said well we'll try to come   back that's what they had to offer we'll come  back and get 2 months later back in court two months I'm sitting there and the prosecutor  she back at it I'm sitting I'm being nice I'm listening and that  lady said well we'll take the   99 years off the table we're thinking more like 60 [Music] and I'm and I'm trying to  hold it I'm trying to hold   it I'm and she said it again strong 60 years I'm like Rio holding my arm Rio holding my arm I said this Rio if she say it again if she say 60 out loud her  again it's going to be a problem   in here Woody Denson is still on the stand  I don't know he's going through a case too   how the [ __ ] is he still at work he  going through a case I saw it in the paper and I'm looking at his ass like [Music] and lady said judge I'm going  say this I think that he is a   menace and I said ma'am who fils  are you reading this is my first   time ever even in here she said you  on julifer probation do you not recall that oh all in the files ass [ __ ]  that's what I said that I'm wrong for   that I said that I I said I was wrong I'm  telling y'all I was wrong I I thought I   didn't think she heard me I said all in the  foul ass [ __ ] Bay over there can we see I'm back I'm in court and I I'm I'm I'm like  Rio they the bay took me out Rio come back   there look they're not going to let you back  in court I'm going have to do it back here I   say Rio do whatever you got to do I'm not  I'm not going back in there listening to   the goddamn high ass time I'm not going to be  under the blanket like that I'm not doing that but I still got a little ways to go cuz  I still got to go to bond reduction and   this is when they I knew they weren't going  to let me back in court ever again I'm in   bond reduction remember my bond is 150,000  I'm in bomb reduction and Wood's up there   talking wood it dancing up there running his  head Rio's talking and Woody hits that gabble   boom I remand you to custody until you  can make your bond and I'm adding $75,000   to your bond cuz I told you when you had  that Judith F case to never be back in my courtroom this is when I knew I was never  going to be back in court again when I   jump and said you obviously don't know  what reduced me you're adding that's not reduction here come the bayith  I know where to [Applause] go I know what the damn room is I go to court you got remember I'm on  the case with six other people I'm on   case with six other people and none  of us are getting out of this [ __ ]   because they have us on film highpe speed  chase oh they got everything Rio came to me listen I just watched the footage whoever signs for their time first  is going to get the least amount of time   I said what's the least amount of time  he said um 15 he said this is going to   start at 15 so it's going to go 15  20 25 30 35 40 you don't want to be   past that 15 because you have a Judah  fer case which going to carry 10 more years I say Rio I can't I can't do it Rio I can't  do that 10 + 15 25 I can't do that he said man we   going to get I'mma go in there we going to run  in CC we going to get it concurrent I said what   what that mean you say the 15 going to eat up  to 10 I said why don't you let the 10 eat up to 15 [ __ ] flip my [ __ ] [ __ ] let  me do don't just go in there with no   15 we going to take the 15 no [ __ ]  take the 10 and argue about the 15 a a Rio they n they going to run it concurrent  it's going to eat it up but your case starts   at 15 for the delivery and I said you know I  told you possession I told you what you want to do my mama out there I wanna I want to um talk to  my momma talk to my momma my mom   say baby you want to take it to  try take it to try I see yeah um Rio we we going to trial we  going to trial and let me tell you obviously I didn't win but we going to let  me tell you why we never made a second trial date   cuz we had a reset we we going to go to trial  again second trial date I went on and took the   the time because of my mama my mama is a g but  my mother is no Gangsta she's a g but she's no   Gangsta my mama on some G [ __ ] purged herself  in court for her son my mama G purged herself   my mama dug that money up already she know  what I'm doing she know what I got she found out my mama on the stand prosecutor  drilling my mama did you know that your son was selling narcotics my mother on the stand  said I had no clue which is some G [ __ ] but when   you're not a gangster you do wild [ __ ] my mama  said I had no clue and then looked at me and did [Applause] there I said oh godamn uh just give me my  time give me my time even my daddy   my daddy was in the back and said  come on Carol what is [Applause] [Applause] [Music] that [Applause] just give me the time I told Rio I said hey man get me out  of here man we need a [Music] [Applause] reset we got a continuation R talk  to that lady she came in there with   the same paperwork you say man listen I  am suggesting that you go ahead and sign   for this time I sign for the 15 years  I sign for the 15 I come back to the [Applause] tank I'm on the blanket oh my God so now I I got to I got to acclimate myself  to why I'm at it's no hey man this is this   is it locked up and when you get locked up man  sometimes it's like it's it's frustrating it's frustrating people coming to see you my  daddy his cocaine selling ass he come   see me piss me off when I get locked  up first I get locked up he come up   there with my little brother come on my  baby brother come see me I'm locked up   you know his plexiglass all let he get on  the phone hey man what then got into you [ __ ] I said you and I threw the phone  at think I'm pissed he going to bring my   little brother up there I don't want nobody  ever to see me [ __ ] locked up my mama ain't   never coming up here to visit me I didn't want  you to come up here and visit me it's Pam and Kendra that is it and mostly Kendra Kendra G she doing real [ __ ] Kendra I  side honking her horn and I come to the little window she out there playing  songs and I'm out there you   see you see my G [ __ ] none of y'all gs do this [ __ ] dancing my goddamn gal car music [ __ ] so man I'm locked up in this County now  and man I I got irritated in here and I made a   little mistake um my mom my dad always gave me  good advice even when they was doing wild [ __ ]   they gave me good advice my daddy told me hey man  tell you something you never whoop a man in front   of his children or his woman never whoop him you  never slap a man when he is down you beat him he   down you don't never slap him you don't ever  Spit In The Wind cuz sheit come back in your face very simple [ __ ] right I'm in the county  the bills are playing the Oilers folks gambling   the Oilers are up the bills come back and beat the  Oilers late in the game like 34 35 whatever that   score was I'm talking [ __ ] cuz I'm down with  Thurman Thomas Thurman Thomas from Houston I don't   give a [ __ ] about the Oilers Earl campone all I  eat is I don't even eat sausage you know what I'm saying so Thurman Thomas from Houston I'm  I'm going for the bills the Bills beat the   Oilers and they sick and I'm in there talking  [ __ ] yeah buffalo on your ass boy folks get   mad dude named Rich cat call me out my name  and that's what you can't do with me even to   this day calling me out my name is definitely  signing a ass who for you you call me on my   name it's going to be some [ __ ] smoke and he  called me oh [ __ ] ass [ __ ] you in rooting   for the [ __ ] Bill put your shoes on [ __ ]  your shoes on boy Rich cat know better than   this cuz he's from the same side of town as me  this Southwest Southwest [ __ ] you know boy man   let's do this let's dance boy we F to dance Rich  cat put this [ __ ] on yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] I ain't   nobody scared of you you ain't got to be scared  get your ass well now Rich cat I've been boxing   since I was 6 years old I know I'm nice rich cat  this [ __ ] going to be bad and I'm I'm working   Rich cat ass whoop that man down to his guy he  on his knees and see I I my daddy told me what   not to do but I'm in here what you never do is  listen to the sideline I'm in the sideline listen   listen I who and he on his knees and I hear  this dude on the side slap his ass [Applause] Lee and I'm in that sideline listening  haul off Slap Shot that man and let me   tell you something when I slapped him I  don't know how both my arms end up like   this but he grabbed me from here it is six  steel tables in 10 B3 it's six steel tables   and Rich cat introduced me personally to all  six of them [ __ ] man that [ __ ] had me on   a roller coaster of Slam do you understand  me from right here that [ __ ] is this all I   was [Applause] doing the sixth one when he slam  me on the six table B I like [Applause] [Music] this man he stood over me talk about [ __ ]  you better not ever slap me again I said yes [Applause] sir how you win the first half of  a fight [ __ ] lose the rest of [Music] it I got my time and now they calling people  on on the Chain I don't know what   that is this is my first time  locked up come in Smith Johnson Brian I leave I come on what's up you on  the chain your ass about to leave get out   of here and I'm say oh school oh schol  old school sleep oh what up I said um   I'm on the Chain what that mean [ __ ] you  about to go to a unit I said what yeah they   going to take you they going to take you  somewhere they going to diagnos [Music] here I said what yeah they going to send you  with the place called Diagnostics I said what   they going yeah they going to check you out they  going to make Going H you going your educational   level your any type of disease U all that type  [ __ ] they going then they going to send you to   a unit you I'm saying now you go it's couple  different type units you can go to a medical   unit you can go to uh [ __ ] uh minimum  security you can go to a loan security or   you can go to a Max or you can go to a supermax  I said what's in a supermc [ __ ] superc Wild motherfu you said well [ __ ] you nonviolent  offender what you got what you got I say 15 they   going to send you with dope I said yeah they going  to send youing them young units yeah like beo or   Ferguson or something like that there [ __ ] be  fighting all day I said I don't want to go no   [ __ ] like that he said but you're young you're  young that's what yall young boys do you know I'm   me I'm going to go to the medical unit you know  I've been I've been faking hurt for a long time I say faking hurry yet go down  there tell them folk you got to ask for tell them you got ass W be any more do that [ __ ] they can't prove that  [ __ ] do that [ __ ] they can't prove it and when I got the intake when that  man put his fingers in my mouth open your mouth did you just put your goddamn fingers  in my mouth with a glove on [ __ ] turn around I don't trust I'm naked you about  to turn around I ain't got no spread your cheeks this is just a leave I'm leaving I'm  leaving and go I gotta go through all this   [ __ ] on trans just to get on Transit they um  put you on this thing they house you they put   you in these chain they put you on a bus put you  on a bus the problem with me and all of this is   because I'm I'm a I'm a pretty educated well  read guy I come from a pretty good family and   I'm not I'm not supposed to be in this [ __ ]  I I know I'm not cuz I don't like it everybody   else is cool with a lot of this [ __ ] I'm not  like y'all y'all have really I got a problem   with all of this [ __ ] cuz when they put me  on a chain now I am reflecting on things and   information that I know this is judicial slavery  I'm chained to another person and we're walking   in unison and this is when the [ __ ] get bad  for me when they put us on the bus they put us   on this bus for whatever this long unknown ride  to some place that I'm supposed to be going and   I had to tell the dude that I'm chained to I  say hey my brother you might want to go to the   restroom now because they say this is a 6-h hour  ride and I am not getting up and I'm not going to   the bathroom with you cuz this [ __ ] is crazy  to me I'm watching people dominate other people   get [ __ ] up going to go [ __ ] and he's [ __ ]  in front of the bus the toilet is in front of the   bus and so I'm got we facing this way I got to  watch this n [ __ ] I'm and in my mind I never   this is this is they this is their time they  better get all they penitential [ __ ] out of   me now cuz I'm never coming back to this [ __ ]  because it's slavery because we chain together   you got to understand I'm chained to this man and  if he go to the restroom I got to be there too   and I'm not doing it I'm say say brother I'm  I'm not get I don't like no parts of this me   and you are bound govern if you got to pee you  going to have to use one hand cuz if this hand go I'mma I'mma I'mma I'mma dust you  off I'mma dust you off I mean I ain't   going to B I'm straight we on we  on this bus we on this bus we on   this journey this dud this is a slavery to  me the bus is is the boat and I'm chained   to this man and it's a dude back there  singing this song in my pain with this finger and I'm sitting like boy  this J I ain't never heard this song I was like that this [ __ ]  talented I don't even know why he   in there this [ __ ] is talented this  [ __ ] is jamming his ass off and I'm   in there I he just Su this [ __ ] so  many times I'm in there one time [ __ ] I ain't never heard this song before I've  been locked up this nigga's jamming you understand I turn around and told him to I  say hey dog may when you get out of here dog   you might want to consider going get you  a little album deal or something we pull up to Daron unit and this [ __ ] here naan took 6 hours  was to get somewhere that's down the road cuz   they dropping other prisoners off and bringing  us back I get to Daron unit they call it the   rocking D I'm on F line they bringing us through  Transit and we are bound together everybody coming in I hear cold cold blue cold blue  I don't know what none of this means   none of this man say everybody face  up against the wall so we Face the wall it is a guy that has been stabbed he's been stabbed and they bringing him  out and they cannot put him on a stretcher he's   not on the stretcher because they can't he has  a broomstick through his side has a broomstick   through his side and they can't put him on a on a  gurnie cuz the run is too tight and the broomstick   will hit the sail bars and we're up against the  wall and that man is coming through little bitty steps and when he comes through the Run he  finally comes off the block and I turn to   the side and he looked right in my face he  said it's Wilding the [ __ ] here [Applause] y'all [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank You' [Applause] all thank y'all God bless y'all thank y'all  DC good [Applause] [Music] night [Music] n [Music]

Channel: Ali Siddiq

Views: 2,804,934

Keywords: Comedy, Def Jam, Showtime, HBO, Comic View, Laugh, Comedy Central, Comedian Ali Siddiq, Funny, Creative, TV, stand-up, stand-up comedy, Ali Siddiq, the domino effect, somino, effect, domino effect, one hour stand up special, stand up, houston, tx, def comedy jam, nbc, bring the funny, it's bigger than these bars, the joe rogan experience, live from gotham, incarceration, ali siddiq stand up full, ali siddiq mexicans got on boots

Id: Z0P3B6-8R6w

Length: 77min 8sec (4628 seconds)

Published: Sun May 12 2024