Michelle Obama & Tracee Ellis Ross in Conversation at The 2018 United State of Women Summit

[Music] the person coming to the stage today epitomizes the strength during her time in the White House [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] so wait Lily wait so we have we have more on our notes but we're just going to send but as you see we'd like to introduce miss Tracee Ellis Ross and mrs. hi Hey but which is what you all have been doing all day sounds like somebody's having a good time out there this woman no introduction let's give one more and then we'll fly it down come on okay okay I love my the eyes love you guys so much wow this has been a day huh this has been a day okay so I would like to start okay by saying thank you for all of the elements that conspired to bring you into our lives for the womanhood the power the grace the beauty that all comes through the beingness of a black woman has been life changing and culture shifting did you hear me say that life changing and culture shifting and we are so grateful thank you thank you okay so guys are you gonna be able to hear us if you keep screaming alright alright you guys there you go I know so that everybody lovable beloved woman ever I am humbled and I'm honored and happy to be here Tracy and I were being bad backstage chat we were chatting and we almost never intro so um Thank You Tracy for being here I love this is one of my favorite people in the whole wide world so missus oh and I met in 2008-2009 I went to the White House at the time for a mentor program and we started a dialogue that I believe that we are still in we're still in I know that all of you feel this but even now as two friends that text each other I still cannot call her Michelle that you know and I'll tie trick around it like hey I know a lot of people do that it's like hey it's like you don't know what to call me now do you I won't do it at you it's Michelle no you make me feel like I want to curtsy it's odd you can't call me hey you for the rest of our lives all right we'll see I was where you no respect is given and you deserve it well okay let's talk so there's a lot of talk about using your voice standing up for something and I'm curious if you remember the first time that you used your voice or that you couldn't you couldn't be an innocent bystander like you had to speak up and what it was that gave you the courage to do that and what it felt like you know there are so many of those instances because I was that little kid I was the bossy little kid and I was fortunate enough to have parents who appreciated my opinions and my voice from a very early age and I say that to parents out there you know how do you start teaching voice you teach it young by listening and asking your child questions and and hearing their opinion and you know you you can't be rude but I was allowed to express myself and one of my first times I remember my my paternal grandfather dandy and I write about this in my book dandy I love my grandfather dandy but he was kind of a he could be kind of a bully sometimes and for reasons I discussed in the book just the way his life worked out and his disappointments there were times that sometimes he would be a bully to my grandmother you know just sort of complaining about dinner and we would go to dinner at their house every Sunday he'd have the big console TV on and he'd have his in Chicago in Chicago they and he would be complaining about something you know and I was probably four at the time and no one contradicted dandy but except for me and at a very early age I would just go up to him and say dandy why are you yelling you know what is your problem you shouldn't yell at Grandma like that and my aunts and uncles who were younger than my father but they were teenagers at the time they would never talk back to him and I would always felt like I had to stand up for my grandmother because she didn't she was more true additional you know you didn't talk back to your husband and she was a church-going woman she was very soft-spoken and she would just sort of take it but I just couldn't stand by even at 4:00 and watch her be yelled at for no reason so but my parents supported that and I was gonna say so that you know need to another question I have which is one that my mother wanted me to ask yeah which is and by the way no her mom right I actually have I remember saying when you were talking I remember cause my mom also encouraged a voice and I remember I don't know how old I was very very very young and my mom did that you know you can't have your cake and eat it too and I said why not and she said I don't know but I I had a tendency to yeah yeah and I had to learn how to do it respectfully that's right but it has out it but it starts very it does and it grows into something even teachers I mean if I felt like something some injustice happened to me at school I spoke up i remember i i i I couldn't get the I didn't get all the words right in a spelling exercise or a reading exercise when I was in kindergarten I missed the word white I couldn't sound it out I could read I didn't read but for whatever reason that was the first time I remember choking in kindergarten I just choked I got all the letters I could read I knew I could read but it was a little bigger process I got nervous I start I blacked out I remember this clearly and and there were three other smart kids in the class and I knew that I needed to get a star that day or else the teacher wouldn't think I was smart so I went home and I stayed up all night working on those words and I went back and that poor little kindergarten teacher I said I want to redo my words and she said well we're not doing that today and I said nope nope we got a I got it I got to get my star today and she pulled me aside and we tested the words and I got them all right gave me my star she probably thought please just go play with the blocks but I don't even know where you came I hear two good lessons there when you get nervous which is so interesting to think that you get nervous oh God and yeah but when you do that you can sometimes get another try absolutely and we learn from our mistakes and in those moments because the the so there's two parts to what I was thinking as you were talking do you remember something specific that someone said to you growing up that helped to guide you to become the woman you are today and I I wonder if that came from your mom hearing there is you know it's it's it's never one thing it's like it's all know that in any many lessons I mean you know when you have my mom is my my rock my role model my parents they're that so much of the lessons that they taught us spin around in my head every single day but the thing that makes you it isn't the one thing it's the many things you know it's getting whether you got that star in kindergarten you know it's what that third grade teacher said to you that made you feel good about yourself it's the fact that I it was the love that my father showed me I mean this is the thing for men in the room I mean having a a man and a young woman's life who adores her and treats her like an equal to my brother you know my dad taught me to box right along with my brother he got me my little set of boxing gloves and I was punching out my cousins and we were right there in it when he taught my brother how to throw he taught me how to throw it's a little things like that but the thing about it is Tracy that which is what we have to remember kids little kids remember all those good points of input but they remember the bad - yeah you know kids know when they're being invested in when people believe in them when people care about them but kids also know when they're not being invested in they know when they're labeled a bad kid early you know when somebody doesn't give them a break when they're not in but school kids know when they're in the school that's not being invested in and that's the thing we lose sight of we think well they're just kids it's like no no kids no they they know when somebody cares about them and when somebody thinks highly of them and they know when people don't give a crap about them so then the question would be because there are a lot of people that that is the reality of their experience they don't either have that parental guidance or love or they're in experiences where the actual environment is not treating them as the treasure that they are so how does one find that ooh you got to find wherever you can I mean and what I tell young kids is that you know all it takes is one good person you know and kids know those good people in their lives so for the young people out there I tell them to find those good folks because there's someone maybe it's not your mom maybe that person isn't in your household maybe they're a church maybe there's one of those teachers you have to when you find that person you go on to them yeah you know you stay in their face you make you make yourself their priority and in order to do that that means you got to kind of have your stuff together you know because people are always looking for the good kids they're looking for kids to mentor and it you know you're your life isn't sunk because your mom didn't do what she was supposed to you're dead there are plenty of kids who were beating the odds every single day and it's because they believe the voices that they know at some point you're born with some innate sense of what is possible that just sort of can sometimes gets either beaten out of you or it gets reinforced but I knew at a very young age that I was smart and that I made sense I knew that and I know there are a lot of kids out there that are waking up every day going it's not me it's that's crazy you know and that's what you want to tell kids to trust that part of themselves because you do get that instinct at a very young age so when you know you smart you find the person who is he's not in you that in you and that means you've got to be you have to be wiser a lot older sooner you know you have to know how to shake off the bad people in your life and that's a tough thing to ask young kids to do but kids know this you know when you hanging around some of these friends the folks that aren't going in the right direction you got to go the other way no but really did you hear that you know when you're with people you know your crew you know and if they are not pulling go into your own joy and your own light you keep it moving you have to surround yourself with the people that you want to be yeah you know the other thing I tell young people is life is practice you know you you're practicing and I tell my girls this every day you were practicing who you are gonna be so if you gettin up late and you trifling and you're not getting your homework done that's what you're practicing you know complaining that's what your practice you're a whiner you're practicing being a wider if you're spoiled you're practicing that that doesn't that doesn't just go away you know and so you have to start practicing who you want to be do you want to be dependable then you have to be dependable if you want people to trust you then you have to be trustworthy yeah and you you and you have to start those habits very early it's just like speaking correct English don't practice the other stuff that you're not gonna get a job that way so practice who you want to be every single day and that's what I think kids need to do who don't have mentors in their lives find that role model somewhere out there even if you read it in a book you know find that inspiration I never got to the question my mom wanted me oh what what was that but you were talking about my dress yes it's okay can you talk a little bit about your relationship with your mom and how that influenced yeah I know fluence your relationship with your girls oh my goodness the mother that I am today is a direct result of Marian Robinson you know my mom was is one of the smartest people with with just plain old common sense and the thing she always said that I do remember is she told told me and my brother she says I wasn't raising children I was raising adults so she treated us she practiced treating us in the way she wanted us to be so again she always talked to us like we had since she never used baby talk she would ask you to explain yourself and she would include you in big grown-up conversations there was never anything that she wouldn't talk to us about if I had questions about you know that uncle in the back you know and be like well let me tell you his story and why he's back there and how you how you stay out of the back everybody's got an uncle you don't knock on his door when he comes out he's a little drunk we had we had our share you know we'd be like well what's wrong with him well let me tell you his story so there was never anything off-limits she she gave us chores early on she my father they taught us the the value of money I remember my father one day my brother thought we were rich I don't know why because we you know his how we were rich with love in our little bitty apartment but one day he put out his whole paycheck he had it cashed in cash and he sat there with my brother and he laid out every bill and he put money on top of every bill he had to pay in the month and then what he was left with which wasn't much he said this is what goes to everything that you asked for and we were young at that time and you know if you sitting there with your dad with maybe 20 40 dollars for the rest of the month you start thinking about whether you really want those new pair of shoes and whether you really need to do that extra thing you know that's how our parents were that's who my mom was to us so she had a lot of common sense and so I am you late her and the relationship that I have with my girls I mean I I want them to talk to me about everything so that means I got to be open and I can't be judgmental and you you know you have to get that mom face right it's like oh did that happen okay tell me more you just trying not to react so you get the good information you're just sitting there it's just like you did what okay fix the face it's like okay continue I try to tell it sasha and malia do not go to other 14 year-olds for information because all you all are dumb come talk to me it's like don't you know you all know nothing you know don't be around and your little through figuring out life it's like it starts that you think you know everything and it's like yeah all of you are dumb you know nothing love you it in your experience so let's just talk about it don't don't ask Olivia what she thinks about sex it's like she doesn't know your girls ever had your girls have had the same friends though for a long time because I have been around the same yes oh yes yeah so they've got a good core group they got a good core group and they thought they knew everything right 14 and they did not so so I try to be open with my girls and you know also help them practice their voice yeah because if they're not practicing with us with me with Barack at our dinner table if they aren't learning how to make arguments and how to you know is resting cells Barack Obama yeah [Applause] what about Barack Obama [Applause] and I am not gonna tell him you all react it this way he doesn't need to know this would be like no they didn't even ask about you and when I said your name no one did anything so I had to move done it and we didn't talk about you so speaking of fourteen-year-olds and and not knowing much do you think that young girls are dreaming differently today than we dreamed when we were young and it was a couple parts to this question and what did you dream of when you were young cuz it worked out really well and we'd like to know and do you think there's a way that we can help everyone dream in a more limitless way that is not gender based and that is custom like that it's really curated for your own experience not the way life has a tendency to limit us even when we don't know it yeah because I know that for me you and I have talked a lot about this there was culture was begging me to dream of my wedding yeah I mean don't get me wrong I was also dreaming of Oscars and bossing people around and think that there was a lot of money occupation is there with that that I'm still unpacking and I'm curious sort of how we can talk about dreaming and you know it's it's such a great question I don't know that that that young girls are there yet I think we're still at that stage where we're trying to figure out what it means to be women and what we think of ourselves will we think of each other and you know sorry in light of this last election I'm concerned about us as women and how we think about ourselves and about each other and what and what's really going on I mean I I think more about what what what is going on in our heads where we let that happen you know so I do wonder what our what our young girls are dreaming about if we're still there where when the most qualified person running was a woman and look what we did instead I mean that says something about where we are you know I forget everybody else what that's what we have to explore because if if we as women are still suspicious of one another if we're still if we still have this crazy crazy bar for each other that we don't have for men if if we're still doing that today if we're more comfortable with if we're not comfortable with the notion that a woman could be our president compare it to what you know but we have new sightings of you and we have to have that conversation with ourselves as women this isn't this isn't an external conference that's on us it's also a conversation of what are we asking women and men or boys and girls to dream of different things we talk so much about empowering young girls what is I still think I still think that our girls are taught to be perfect and I think that we they still dream of weddings and then the security of the prince charming coming to say I still I think we do I think we're working on it I think you know I'm proud of what I hear from young girls but I think something happens when they get to that stage where you're supposed to be married and have kids Miss Tatum and but for you I mean we've talked a lot about but there's still the notion when you say oh you don't have kids oh my god it's almost Tracee Ellis Ross must not be happy because she's not married with kids look where I'm sitting look at and look at what she is doing with her life but still societally we kind of look at that and go oh oh you poor thing you know and then you're happy as a clam until somebody and then you start to you start thinking well maybe I'm not happy did something happen what did I do what if what might go all of a sudden yeah so yeah I think well I think we have to have these conversations because this is still going on I wish that girls could fail as bad as men do and be okay because let me tell you watching men fail up it is it is fresh straight airy frustrating it is frustrating to see a lot of men blow it and win and we hold ourselves to these crazy crazy standards we hold each other to these standards and so what do i well i when I was young I didn't I was like a regular kid I'd written dreamt of play those games of who are you gonna marry which of the boys and the number yeah yeah little origami thing the origami thing where you have the number and then there'd be the boy how how many kids you'd have and where you get married and it was for me it was Hawaii believe it or not are you serious yeah but not because I need anything about Hawaii it was warm you always pick the warm City he didn't want to be you don't want to live in your own City but who knew but I dreamt of being a mother I dreamt but I you know I also had aspirations obviously I want I thought I wanted to be a pediatrician at one point and then I took math and science and I was like no I think I'll use my voice I'll be a lawyer and then bad that that didn't work out so so no I didn't I didn't know what I could be I didn't completely know I'm still of that generation where our dreams were still pretty limited yeah so what do what do I want for I think if we want our daughters to dream bigger than we did then then we have more work to do yeah we haven't really you know I think we've gotten so many of us have gotten ourselves at the table but we're still too grateful to be at the table to really shake it up you know I think we're and and that's not a criticism because for so many just getting to the table was so hard right and so you just hold on just trying to but now we have to take some risks for our girls we have to be willing to lose a little bit of something that we can't just holding on to our seats at the table won't be enough to help our girls be all that they could be and I think it's gonna be on on us as women but I think men have an important role to play in that as well I mean what I've been telling a lot of men as I go around speaking it's just you know you you can't have it both ways you can't whisper these magical thoughts and your daughters hear about who she can be and what she can do and then leave and go into a workplace that you either run or manage and you tolerate in existence you know and you you can't have it both ways because the workplace that you work in the times you turn your head you look the other way the times you're sitting at a table where there are no people of color no women if you're tolerating that that is the workplace that's gonna be waiting for your honor and but you told her you've sold her a bill of goods you told her she could be anything but then you're not working to make sure that that is action can be actualized and so you men have to kind of understand things just don't work out for your little precious P if you're not making it work for all of us and I think this is a time for all of us including and especially men to stretch outside of our comfort zone and notice the places and be awake enough to use our voice stand up for each other and actually be of service to the change that's occurring and that we all want and it's not easy but it's something that has to happen well yeah we have to be a lot of we have to feel a lot of discomfort you have to be okay with that and you know so if you're sitting in in any room and there's only y'all in the room notice notice and and have a problem with that yeah don't be okay with that you know um so speaking of the times that we're in because it is uncomfortable it is justifiably appalling and terrifying but not for everybody not well so but that's important to remember it does not think for everybody so we can't just sit in our rooms and yogurt we aren't raged some people will like comfy this is good they're quite satisfied that is true but with that fear that comes for those that are appalled and so uncomfortable and frightens the tendency and the ease is to shame blame scream but the fertility in the moment is to take action so how do we each stay motivated to use our own voices and to show up and and how do we do that as individuals like you say that you see it but not all of us have the resource and the support to be able to speak up because that means you might lose your job you mean you know all of those things so how do each of us find that moment to be an advocate I mean not that you have all the answers but maybe you do you know I always I always think you you start with what you can control you know you start there because yeah thinking about changing your workplace and you know changing the way the world thinks that's big and it gets daunting and then you shrink from that right right so start with what you can control and that's you first yeah and those questions start within you know first of all we have to start asking ourselves are we using our voices right are we plen and when when are we not when are we playing it safe and at least be cognizant of that that fact and understand well these are the times that I shrunk away from doing more than I could and let me think about why that was and stop that but we think but we think about well that's a whole nother story because you know that's not the answer either and when I hear people say you run it's it's part of the problem you know it's it what we still didn't get yes we can right it's not yes you can it's yes we can and until we get that right it doesn't matter who runs because we look I don't think I'm any different from Hillary and until women get this stuff right there's a lot of people look like you do it and then it's like oh my bad I'm sorry and there's hot is coming on in or example you'll like it you know so we got we've got a lot of work to do before we're focused on the who because we're the we're the who that where we are the answer all of us here in the room are the answer to our own problems it is not finding the one right person that we think can save us from ourselves it's us it's us so we've got to do that work internally first to figure out well what can I do in my life what am i doing to empower the girls in my life to have a voice because the biggest impact a woman can have is on her children quite frankly so are we that's a powerful you know when I said I'm mom and chief and a lot of women ridiculed me for that when I first came in the first best most important job I have control over is who my girls are gonna be and until I got it and if I can't give them right I can't get y'all kids right I can't work for anybody else because I have a level of control over who Malia and Sasha were until at least now it's over and that's over so the window short y'all you know you do what you can and then they're 14 and they think they know everything and you're like okay go out there and get your butt kicked and then you'll figure it out but but I feel like that's we can start with ourselves we can start with our kids we can start within our own families there's still women who are aren't speaking up at their own dinner tables yeah you know they're not gonna contradict their husbands or their fathers or and we have to figure out are we doing that are we part of that you know because how can we support those women to find the courage and the ability to speak up in those private ways that it is terrifying and but it is a habit that has to be practiced because we can't give other people their voices so people have to decide you have to dig way down deep some people like I said temperamental II like me I am always chatting and telling people what to do you know temperamentally we were like that but there all of us are gonna have to dig deep down inside of ourselves and figure out what fights we are willing to fight for ourselves and for our kids and then take that action and a lot of times that action is small it's speaking up for your kids at school it's going into your workplace and doing whatever you can short of getting fired you know cuz no that won't help but to try to make a change in that workplace what's happening at your dinner table what kind of conversations how are your other girlfriends thinking you know those are the those are battles are just as important than the big fights cuz let me tell you you all have more influence in the lives of the people who love you than I do no matter what you say you know you all are sitting at dinner tables with folks who don't agree with you who aren't trying to empower you what are you doing at those dinner tables because if you can't have that discussion with your husband or with your father then it's gonna be hard to change anybody else because you haven't sort of started in your circle and that and if and if you practice that courage first that's powerful yeah as far as I'm concerned that leads to bigger things change starts close to home you know that's where it starts so looking for the next person to run and I don't mean to be you know to cut that off but that's that's been our distraction we're just gonna wait for the next person to save us we thought it was Barack Obama yeah he didn't in racism so I don't know what about so but that's you know I mean it's like I voted for the black man and we're still living in racism and it's like uh uh yeah yeah I think that uncovered a lot a lot of the curtain got pulled back yeah so we're almost out of time Milo we're not man that was short that was a Blaine Tina chin it's always Tina drop that's that's always say um you know where do you find hope oh and when you can't find it what do you do oh you can always find hope I find hope in all these beautiful young people man oh my goodness that's why when I was first lady whenever I got down I read some bad clips something happened I was like please just put me with some kids I just need to be with some kids because that's what this is all for you know it's I mean you yeah we all have young people in our lives and they they all come on to this planet on this earth with all this possibility they're all all are all our children are good and they are beautiful and they are they just look to us for so much they are so open and you know they they don't come here to get jaded they don't come here as misogynist they don't come here hating people because of their their sexual orientation and they come here pure and clean and open and then we feed all that stuff into them but it's all there and and and you look at the kids from parkland and you look at all you know the kids who are who are stepping out they're gonna be the ones that make the change because they're fearless they're not worried about what they're gonna lose and how they look and how do i leverage they they're not there yet so they're still so open and every thing I do I think about how it's going to impact these young people and you think because of them we can't give up I mean what what choice do we have what what future am i passing on to my girls and all our kids if I wake up and I'm and I'm hopeless that there is no use in that all we have is hope that's all that's all we have we hope for when we have hope and we have work we can we hope and we work we hope we work we pray we do all of that at the same time but you can never afford to give up hope and our kids deserve better than that they deserve better than us shrugging our shoulders and saying that's too hard I can never do this I can never do that mm-hmm so our young people always give me hope and we always have reason to to work hard for them agreed agreed it's so hard to let it well let me just say this this this room the summit this is also a reason for hope because I think some of what we what we miss is is that we don't often in this internet world in this social media world we we don't come together and you feel alone right and you watch the news and you think that that doesn't reflect me or what is what is this world coming to and then you come into a room like this where there are so many people from so many walks of life who want the same thing and this is this is America and it's everywhere it isn't you know it isn't just locked up in little cities and it's everywhere and we just get confused because we don't get to talk to each other we don't get to connect and we don't get to remind ourselves of how much we have in common as a people that we want just basic stuff like my mom and dad we want decent jobs we want our kids to get a good education we want to have some health insurance we want our kids to go to college and have a good life we want to be able to retire and live in dignity you know not everybody wants some big home or mancave and a big car and a jet you know most most people don't you know they respect each other they live with decency and truth that's who we are in times like this should remind us all you know of what we're all working for and I'm proud of everyone who's worked to organize this to keep these efforts up and this is the do that we talked about so it's it's coming together like this and finding those that are doing and lifting up the work even if it's not your work it's finding the work of others and helping in very small ways to lift things up you don't have to be first lady you don't have to be president you don't have to run for anything to have a significant impact and to make the changes that we're looking for and this is how you begin so I'm just thankful to everyone who has put so much work into this summit and I know that there's more work that we have to do in the months and years to come it never ends it never ends and Tracy you're out there girl just holding it together and doing a phenomenal job I'm so proud of you I really am and I love you Thank You Michelle [Applause] let's give her a round [Applause] [Music]

Channel: The United State of Women

Views: 1,361,567

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Keywords: michelle obama, tracee ellis ross, the united state of women, usow2018

Id: boB9modnMYQ

Length: 41min 35sec (2495 seconds)

Published: Sun May 06 2018