- Please welcome Deborah Henry. (classical music) (audience cheering) - Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Obama Leaders, how are
you guys doing today? (audience cheering) I love your energy, it's amazing. I'd like to welcome all of you, our Obama Leaders who've come from all
over the Asia-Pacific. Welcome to Kuala Lumpur Malaysia. And I'm super excited to be
here with all of you today. Are you guys excited? (audience cheering) A little bit more excited today. I think I know why. In just a few moments, these two hot seats right
here are gonna belong to two wonder women who've
come all the way to Asia on an important global mission for girls. Michelle Obama, former first
lady of the United States and one of the most
influential people today and a role model to so many here today and around the world, together with Julia Roberts, one of the most beautiful and
iconic faces on big screen, Oscar-winning movie star and advocate for causes
close to her heart. Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming on stage Michelle
Obama and Julia Roberts (audience applauding)
(upbeat music) Good morning, ladies. How are you doing today?
- Good morning. Really doing well. - Yes, hello, everybody.
- We're pumped. You guys fired up? (audience cheering) - We love you. - I love you too, truly, truly. (speaks in foreign language) - And welcome to Malaysia. We're so happy to have you here. And I don't know about all of you here, but I feel like I need to pinch myself. Is this really happening? Is this really happening? It is, it is, and you guys are super lucky
to be here, to be part of this. I'm really happy to have both of you here to talk about really important issues that we're gonna get into. A couple of days ago, both
of you were in Vietnam, where you were on a very special mission for the Girls
Opportunity Alliance, a program of the Obama Foundation that seeks to empower adolescent
girls around the world through education, and you visited a high school just outside of Ho Chi Minh City. Today I'd like to talk about some of the reflections
from this amazing trip, but also your personal sharings as leaders, as pathmakers
in your individual lives. I watched a couple of the videos. And what really stood out to me was, Mrs. Obama, you spotlighted
a girl named Kim Thuy, and she said getting her education was like finding a huge
light in a dark cave. And if one can just imagine that picture, it's a very powerful one. So would you be able to tell
us a little bit more about the goals of Girls Opportunity Alliance and why telling stories
about trips like this really, really matter? - I'd be happy to. We had an amazing trip in Vietnam. As amazing as any of our
trips around the world where we really get to focus-- (object thuds)
Oops. We get to focus on young
girls and their ambitions. It's an important program because there are 98
million girls worldwide that are not getting the
education they deserve. One of the things I pointed out in the conversation that we
had with the girls is that, you know, imagine that
you have this fire in you, because what I was saying is
that intellect knows no gender, possibility doesn't know race,
it doesn't know religion. Kids are born on this
earth with a thing in them. Either it gets developed
or it gets squandered. And to think that there are
98 million girls out there that were born just like I
was, just like Julia was, with a hunger, with a something in them
that they know they have, regardless of what they told and to have that not be invested in, you know, that's what sinks hopes, that's what stagnates mind, and that's what waste resources. So to think that that's
happening around the world, it is unspeakable, and it is wasteful, and it's not a smart move for the planet. So that's why we started the
Girls Opportunity Alliance, because what we do know is
that as big as the problem is, its solution are varied and they are dependent on the culture of the community that they're in. So it is difficult for programs like ours to come in from on high and have the kind of proper effect that you can have on the ground if you're not there, living there, understanding the cultural norms, and really understanding the
problems that girls are facing. That's why we're funding programs that are operating on the
ground like Room to Read, like Rock Paper Scissors, because they're there. They understand what the
families are thinking. They understand the fears, the challenges, and they're structuring solutions that are unique to every community. And so our view is let's
not recreate the wheel, let's not start building something somewhere in the United States thinking that it can
help a girl in Vietnam. Let's fund the efforts that are actually working on the ground and expand those efforts, allow them to grow and develop. (audience applauding) - And I love the truth,
the sentence that you say, the future of the world is
only as bright as our girls. - That's true, that's true. We were talking, we held
a summit in Chicago. In one of our round tables I thought, well, if you were a person
of faith of any kind, depending upon what you believe in, wouldn't it be just like that faith to put the answers to all of our problems in the mind of a girl. Wouldn't that be how it'd work? Because in order to crack the secret, we would have to actually
invest in a girl. Wouldn't that be how God would work? We would have to overcome
our greatest issues in order to find the answer, and that's how I think about this issue. The answer to everything
we're struggling with, environment, education, healthcare, what if it's in the
mind of that little girl in that video who's riding that bike and we don't invest in it? That means we miss the answer, and that's how we should
be thinking about it. Truth, right, isn't just gonna come form the mind of a male. It's gonna come from all of us. So if we're underinvesting in half of the population on the planet, I guarantee you we're
missing some right answers. - Exactly. We're not gonna move forward
if half the population aren't included in these dialogues. Julia, and to Mrs. Obama's point, there's something special
about being on the ground and seeing it first hand, and the world talks about the importance of an education, but you were in Vietnam and you saw it. You met these girls. For what I see and what I've heard, it was a very, very
special experience for you. Can you share a little bit
about meeting the girls? - Well, first, I'm almost certain that women are over half the population. Let's just invest in that idea. This trip has been life-altering for me. It has brought my beliefs as a mother and as a person of I think
a spiritual intellect. I feel that we are aligned in that. And to be invited on this trip and have everything that I believe in this way that surrounds me solidify and it is not
deep inside me in a way, that is inspiring and shows me that this plight of educating girls isn't the sad tragic thing. It's this incredible opportunity, and that's what I wanna be part of. Being in Vietnam, hearing stories that I was in tears, selfish tears, because this woman is
smiling at me, telling me what she's gone through and
what she's accomplished. And it is absolutely proof that community, education, love, belief in each other
is all it's gonna take, and we just have to keep
remind each other of that to move forward. - I was watching some of
the videos and you see this. It comes through even on screen. You see the light shining,
radiating off these girls' faces, because someone was there and told them that they have value, that
they matter in this world. I know a lot of the leaders
were asking these questions. How does a young girl or
anyone for that matter, how does she tap into her inner
self, her inner self-worth, especially when there is
so much noise outside? A divorced family, poverty, the day-to-day struggles of life, sometimes even our culture,
our tradition, our families can hold us back. So with all this noise, external noise, how do we zero in on ourselves? How do we find our own clarity, our own self-worth in these
very difficult situations? And also, Mrs. Obama, from
your perspective growing up, when did that happen
for you, as a teenager? And how have you then
helped your daughters discover their inner strength? - Well, that's sort of what I
was alluding to earlier that there are those of us
that are born with this sort of thing in us? I write about in my book because I had to reflect on sort
of how did I get here. What were the things in my
life that made the difference? And some of it was that
I was temperamentally always that kid, always
that I'll show you. You give me a challenge,
I'll prove you wrong. So people are born with the temperament and that's that internal
hunger that I'm talking about. Imagine having a girl like that, somewhere in the world who
doesn't get to exercise, where that feeling, that
temperament isn't nurtured. For me, it was nurtured, and it started simply with
parents who believed in my voice, and I share that with people because my parents weren't wealthy. Thy were not well-connected. They didn't go to college themselves. We were a poor family, but what they gave me was a
sense of belief that my voice, the words that came out
of my mouth were clever, and interesting, and they
were interested in it. So when you start with a foundation where you're telling a kid very early on that they are valuable, that those words in and of
themselves can make a difference. It isn't magic. It isn't money. It isn't resources, and that's what some families miss. There are families who believe that if I can't give my give stuff then I should just be
quiet and let them be. Well, no, the truth is
is that teaching a girl, teaching an individual early
on how to use their voice and that their voice matters allows them to be advocate for
themselves as they go along. So what I would say to this group about self-confidence and self-advocacy is that we have to be that light
in the lives of kids that don't get that, and that's how I think
when I interact with a kid, why I'd spend so much times with kids. I could be in crowds of people, on a rope line with people waiting. If I see a kid, I'm gonna take that moment and look them in the eye and make sure that they
know that this person and this important person that they see in the world sees them. And it can be something
as simple as I see you and you're beautiful and you're smart. Words actually matter when
it comes to our children and we can't be cavalier about it, because those are the
things that kids take. So if they respond that
well to positive input, imagine what happens to every
kid that gets the opposite, that is looked over,
that somebody tells them, "Shut up, it doesn't matter who you are." It's those little thing that matter just as much as resources and school fees, and bikes, and tuition. It's how you cultivate
the soul of a child. For me, I had that. What about you? (audience applauding) What about you? (laughs) (audience cheering) - You guys, talk about pinching yourself. It's all I do all day all evening. You say it so beautifully and your belief in the girls that we've been with, in me, it does make a difference. It's all the little things. I mean we do think it's
some big sweeping thing and it's not. God is in the details. It's looking in the eye when
you're addressing someone. It's convincing them. I mean I left the high school
that we were in the other day, and I said to my friends, imagine that they woke up this morning and their life was this thing, and they're going to go to bed tonight. You've turned that page, their life is something
different now because Michelle Obama flew 9,000 miles to spend the day at their school, and sat, and colored, and
talked, and took it all in, and radiate over these young women in such a way that they
will never be the same. And that is what it's about, is entering a room and trying
to leave it and its occupants seen, and heard, and changed for the good. - And also for the leaders in this room, one of the things that
we try to think about, especially when we we work
with kids is consistency. Because a kid will believe. A day like we had in Vietnam, you can wake up either feeling changed or you can feel like "Did that happen?" And then if nothing good comes after that, it reinforces the
disappointment that they feel on an ongoing basis. It's like, yeah, they came, they saw, the cameras were here, the lights were on, but weeks went by and I
never heard from them again. That we try to avoid
when we work with kids. So, when I was first
lady, whatever we had, a powerful interaction
with a group of kids, whether it was Islington, whether it was in Vietnam, whether it was in Cambodia, it couldn't just be that moment. We made sure that we followed up at least two, or three, or four. There's only so much I can
do with this big platform. But you guys as leaders, that
consistent return to them will be the thing that they remember. It's not the first visit. It's the second, and the
third, and the fifth visit, because that's the kind of repetition that you need with children,
with your own children. If you're teaching them anything, they take it in the more you repeat. Parenting is about repetition. Nope, can't do it. Still can't. Nope. The answer is still no. And probably around the
10th, maybe the 100th time, they'll be like I guess it's no. - Hopefully it works (laughs) - But the same thing is true with the positive
reinforcement that you have in the life of a child. And quite frankly that's true for any issue that you're taking on. Once you take it on, then do it. Show up for the communities
that you're serving, because so many of the
communities that we all work in have been disappointed, and they're used to that letdown, they're used to that sort of
one hit and then we're on. So for the leaders in this room, I just have you think about that as you're doing your
work, especially as it involves programmatic activity. What's your plan for consistency so that the message that
you're sending are reinforced and that the people that
you're serving actually believe that you mean what you say? - Exactly, it's the power
of positive affirmations that I think our world, we tend to give very little weight to it, and our actions and our words need to kind of match up, right? - Yeah, absolutely. - Can't say one thing and do the other. I've been running a
nonprofit for many years now, and when I was growing up
and I'm sore for many of us, people ask us, "Who are your idols "and who are your role model in life?" In every day it's a
different person, it changes. I think at one point it
was you, Julia Roberts. - Thank you. - When I was a little
girl, pretty woman and all, I was like, "Mmm." (laughs) - Maybe not that character,
but let's just say me. (all laughs) - I'm sorry, I had to throw that in there. The number of friends of mine who said, "You have to mention that." I'm like, "How am I gonna mention that? "Not exactly the right platform." But yeah, it was... And now that I work with so
many young boys and girls, I see their daily struggles
trying to find role models and champions in their lives, and especially from their communities, especially for marginalized communities. So, who are your role models and your champions growing
up, and even today? Is it possible to have yourself
believe if you don't have, do you need all this to believe in you, in order to believe in yourself I guess, to have that support system? - Hero worship is in short supply. It's hard to find in this day and age for a variety of reasons I think. And even for me as a young person, I was lucky enough to maybe have a teacher that I really looked up to that I can still remember and appreciate, my sister, my mother
for how hard she worked and raised kids and never really showed the deep worry and daily strain that now as apparent I
know existed for her. And I remember asking her as a new parent. I said, "Mom how did you do this? "You had a full-time job,
you had a tight budget." Her checkbook was kept like calligraphy. It was every little dime,
every little everything. I said, "When we were little,
how did you manage that. She could have made herself
sound like a magician. And she said, "Darling,
it's called daycare. "I dropped you off, (laughs) "and I went to work, and I picked you up." And I am eternally
grateful for that answer, because you realize our
heroes are all here. We just maybe don't
know each other's names. And so that's the thing to remember. That's the thing that I think
makes my life special for me, is that I know that
walking into every room, that somewhere there is a
new hero for me to discover. So, in that, it's all in our own hands to radiate that to others to know that you're safe
and you're interesting, and we're gonna make a collective here, and we're gonna make a deal to make if not the world a better
place, this day will be better, and then those days connect. - And that's where, you know,
when you ask the question, is it necessary to have
a hero, a role model? And I think yes, absolutely. The thing we get wrong is who
that role model should be. We always think when we say role model, well, it's gotta be somebody famous. It's gonna be Julia
Roberts or Michelle Obama. But the truth is, as Julia pointed out, the heroes, the role models
that have the greatest impact are the people that are
surrounding children right there. It's not the big, it's not the president
of the United States, it's your mom, it's your
neighbor, it's that teacher. With that view of what role models are, I think all people do have them if they value who they
have in their lives. Everybody has somebody that they can look to. But if we devalue some
of that positive input because we don't think
that they're important, then we miss out on who our role model is. We're missing the person in our lives that is giving us that encouragement. And we also have a tendency to drown out the positive and just drink up the negative. And that's something we have
to keep in mind as leader. I know all of you all are
sitting there out here struggle with that, that you can get a hundred
attaboys, you're doing great, and the one person that
says, "Well, that's stupid," that's the thing you repeat to yourselves over, and over, and over again. So the thing that I try
and encourage people to do is be mindful of the positive energy. When I make statements, I've said this. How do I get through things? I try to shake off the noise. I try to drown out my haters, and make sure that I'm paying attention to the positive energy that
is coming in every single day. That's a practice that you have to begin, because we as humans tend
to practice the opposite. It's like, "What's the thing I gotta fix? "What's wrong with me?" As opposed to thinking, "Look at all these things that I can do. "Look at my strengths, look at my assets, "Look at what I have to offer." We all have it, but we train ourselves to only focus on the negative, and some people have parents
that help them do that. It's like you got people in your lives who are always pointing out, "You got an A-minus,
why didn't get the A?" Well, that's practicing
focusing on the negative, and that's what role modeling is. And as Julia also mentioned
that we have to remember, that's why we support mentoring so much. That's why we're supporting all of you, because we believe that you all are mentors in people's lives. You are the answers. As Julia said, you are the
answer in somebody's life right now today. Maybe it's a cousin,
maybe it's your own child, maybe it's a neighbor. There's some kid looking at you and you'll be able to reach them much better than I ever will. And yes, I'm Michelle Obama, but you're in somebody's
life every single day. That means everything you do and say to the young people in your lives is shaping them and training them, and that's how I want you all to think as you build yourself. That's why we're investing in you, because you're the army that we're sending out
there to do what Julia said, to put some positive light out there, to be the yes in somebody's life. So now you have to question. You've got that responsibility. Are you handling it? Are you doing what you can? Are you being thoughtful
with that mentorship? Are you using it? Are you waiting to find your mentor? It's your turn now to be
that for somebody else, and that's an awesome
responsibility to have. (audience applauding) - I love that. I have to write it down,
shaping and training, such an important role. And then, Julia, you were speaking about your mom being your role model, someone who you grew up with. I wanna talk a little
bit about women and moms. I think society puts many hats on us and we have to wear many hats, and very often we have
this broad brush stroke where you're either a
great stay-at-home mom raising the family or you're this high-flying
super career, ambitious woman. We fluctuate, I think, for many women. We fluctuate between the
two, not really struggling. It's juggling and struggling, and this word balance
comes into the picture. It seems to be a question that
women tend to get asked about how do you find your balance. For some reason, men don't
seem to get asked that question about finding balance between work, and the home, and all that. So, is there a different narrative we can talk about when
it comes to balance? And in today's day and
age, I think all of us, we feel pressures of work, of life, of having can we have it all, and what do we find that's best for us versus every other person out there. Both of you can answer. - We were talking about this. - We were just talking about this. I mean my feeling is always
you have to define your terms of what all means. All is different for everyone. The things that this woman does, what she accomplishes in
a day is my year agenda. I don't feel bad about that right this second. So it's what you can do, what you want. What is it that fulfills
me will be different than what fulfills another
mom that lives on my street with her work life and her home life. So, I think we have to
constantly remind ourselves that the all in having
it all, doing it all is different for everyone, whether you be male or female. It's just different. So, my version of all, if I put my head down at night and I feel like, "I circled it today. "Kind of I was in the area of my all," then I feel pretty good. I have a pretty restful night sleep. But it's a myth really. The thing that is the, "Oh
women, can you have it all? "Can you have a family? "And can you have a career? "And can you do all these things?" That idea is just to make us crazy, because it's just a headline. It's a highlighted thing
to create challenge and I think distraction from what we're really
doing and accomplishing and what we're very good at. I take a huge amount
of pride in my cooking, though her husband might say I take too much pride in my cooking. (laughs) - That's an inside joke. You won't get into that. - But to find the things
that make you feel like you're accomplishing your goals beautifully and joyfully. My mom accomplished a lot
of goals and didn't have the space for the joy that
my life allows me to have, and I am very aware of that, and it makes me deeply grateful for the joy that I have
room and space for every day that she really didn't. - We were talking about having it all. It's become an interesting
mantra in the heads of, minds of particularly women. But it's so stupid. It's a stupid thing to, just to be honest, it's
like no one has it all. No one. And why should we? Because doesn't that sound selfish. Because if you have it all, that means somebody has nothing. I think that's one of the challenges that we have on the planet. Some people think that
they should have it all without understanding
that if you have it all, a lot of people won't have anything. I've learned to think about
that in my life's balance. It's like I'm not supposed to have it all. What we fought for is
women I thought was choice, the ability to make a broader
set of choices for our lives. And where we are now is that there's some people that are judgemental about the choices that some women make. A lot of times we do that
to each other as women. Oh you're staying at home? Okay, that's nice I guess. Oh, you're working? Well, who's taking care of your kids? We tend to do that to each other. And for me, I had to
come to that realization because trying to get it
all just drives you crazy. I have never found that I could be the mother that I wanted to be and do everything I wanted with my career. I couldn't do it. This trip for example,
when I was first lady, it seemed like I was doing a lot. But I found that in order to be focused on my work as first lady and raising two kids in the White House, as my staff will tell you,
I work tree days a week. I was like I am on three days, and that means when I'm on, that means I have hair and makeup. So you better get it all done. Because once I take these lashes off, don't even ask me to come downstairs. (laughing) And I work upstairs, right? (audience applauding) - I think that's something all of us (applauding drowns out speaker). - Because the days that
I wasn't working meant that I was on the soccer
field at the school, I was sleeping, I was working out, I was doing something for me. But for those three days,
as my staff will tell you, we hustle. It's like hair and makeup on, I will work from six in
the morning until midnight. That was the balance that I found, and I also found that I could get a whole lot done in those three days, because I was more
organized, more focused, but I learned that well before
I got to the White House. I had to start learning that
when I had my first kids, when I have my children, and I was still a
high-powered blah blah blah, whatever it was at the time. And I was driving myself crazy and feeling like I was
doing nothing right, and there was no joy. So I think, Julia, what you say is right, is that we all have to
define that for ourselves, but keep that all thing out of the mix. What I've learned is that
we take care of our health, life is long, and what
you have are chapters. When I was first lady, I
would never have been able to, I never did a two-week trip like this. Because for me, being gone for my children was just not something I
wanted to be for that long. I would never leave Malia,
and that's not a judgment. That was something that I felt. I felt that, first of all, they're living in the White House. That's crazy enough as it is. Their dad is somewhere at some G summit. They don't even understand that. And so now where's mom? What is she doing? She's where, in what country? For how long? For me, I was like... So we would do this trip, the same trip to three or four countries, we do that in four days. Crazy, right? Well, that was the choice I made. If I'm gonna do this,
I'll do this in four days. We will operate on no sleep, and then we'll get on
the plane and go home and see nothing of the
countries that we were in, except for the freight elevator, and the conference stage,
and then you'd go sleep. So those were the kind
of balancing choices that I learned to make. - And talking about choice, one of our leaders from
the Solomon Island, she's talking about cultural
and family challenges that sort of hold you back. And I know you did
mention this in Vietnam. You said even if your families
don't understand that today, trust me, they will, when you go off to college
or start your business. So, that's a challenging
sort of landscape to overcome because, family, you
wanna keep them close. You want them to support
you, but they don't always. It's true. One of the things that Room to Read does with the girls in the program, in their life skills classes, is to help give them the language to have the conversation
with their parents. And it's not even assuming that parents, their feelings, their worries, or concerns aren't well-placed, but it's getting the girls to understand why is your father worried, why is he afraid, what is he not articulating that you can help understand
to shape your argument, so that they understand
what the fears are. Because what you see in
Vietnam, as the video show, that it's not always
safe for a girl to travel for miles and miles. Imagine the parents saying, "I have a choice of
getting my child educated, "have her walking for
hours alone by herself "because I can't leave my farm, "and I have five other kids here. "So she is eight, seven,
10, you pick an age, "and I'm just gonna send
her to another village. "No, no, education doesn't
sound like a good idea to me. "Thank you. "And she can stay here
and help with the chores." As a parent, that makes complete sense. So how do you begin to break that down? That's why work on the
ground is important. Understanding what the cultural
issues are on the ground, and they're very different
from community to community, from country to country. And some of the fear, some of the lack of investment in girls is based on just misguided
understandings about women, and culture, and so on, and so forth. That takes generations to change. So you have to begin somewhere, and you have to give
the girls on the ground the understanding, and the
language, and the context to be engaged in those
conversations with their elders. - On the topic of women, sort of segueing a little bit, I still remember that night when President Obama and yourself, you had your first dance and you're in this gorgeous white dress. - Let me think back. - President Obama and first lady and-- - That's a long time ago, yeah. - I think you danced "At Last" by Beyonce.
- Yes, yeah, yeah. - If you don't already
know, you represent, President Obama and yourself represent the millennial hashtag couple goals that exist all over our social media. (laughs) And I guess the question is,
under normal circumstances, relationships are hard for all of us. But under your circumstances, especially challenging I would imagine. How did both of you find that time and that connection with each other? - Sometimes we did, sometimes we didn't. One of the things I talk about, we talk about relationships, is that they had ebbs and flows. I advise a lot of young people. We have a lot of young
people on our stuff. I'm a little direct and straight forward, but I kinda remind them. It's like marriage is hard. It's just hard. It's worth it, but it is hard. It is two individuals raised differently coming together to build a life together, which means you have to
agree and compromise. And then if you complete the
idea of family and have kids, well, oh, they just mess
everything up, because (laughs) kids are hard. They want what they want. They can't talk, you have to clean them. They're a hassle. It is a hard concept, but we don't talk about it like that. When we talk about
marriage and relationships, we talk about hashtag relationship goals. We think about the wedding and the dress, and the ceremony, and the love, and the happily ever after. And so, when young
people get in a marriage, and they experience the truth of it, which is it's hard, they
think it's them, and it's not. It is a hard thing. Barack and I understood
that about each other, and we understood that there could be periods of time where
it would be really hard, especially if you're doing hard things, which all of you are doing. You have picked hard
careers, change agents, working in communities. It doesn't pay well, it's
stressful, you fail a lot, and no one is gonna pat you on the back. Your parents don't
understand what you're doing. You don't have a regular
label like I'm a doctor, and it's like I understand that. What's this thing you're doing? Advocacy, what is that? So it is challenging. And I think for Barack and I, we both learned that we have to work through the challenging times, and we have to be forgiving
of each other in those times, and sometimes we have
to go out and get help. I wrote about the fact that we worked on getting
marriage counseling, because I want young people
who are in relationships to know that sometimes you
can't do this on your own. You nee somebody to help you mediate those compromises with each other. Maybe it's not a professional counselor, but relationships require a community to help them get through. And building a marriage
and building a family, to me, it's not a solo expedition. It requires a community of friends, and people around you, and family members, and maybe outside help that can help you
understand yourself in it. And that's how Barack and
I have been successful. We are forgiving of each other, and first of all, let's start with you
gotta like the person. So that helps. It started that I like
him, and I respect him, and I value him, and we
had the same shared values. And with that foundation, you just launch into the work, and try to to find a way to understand that this is the journey. And if you put in the hard work and you get help when you need it, at the end, you've got a 40-year marriage or a 50-year marriage. If anybody has parents who've
been married for a long time, if you really ask them, they'll tell you that there are probably 10 years where they hated each other. But if you're married for 40 years and you hate each other for
10, I'd take those odds. It's like, okay, you're gonna love him for 50 years, but 10 years you're gonna hate him. You'd wanna push him out of the window. Not a high one, the low one. You don't want him dead. You just want him injured. (laughing) - That's why we're talking
about a hashtag couple goals. - And Danny Moder, what
are you guys doing? You guys have a real
marriage and a happy family and all that good stuff. - I've never wanted to
push him out a window, but maybe there's time-- - Oh man, don't make me look bad. (laughs) - He's taking care of
our family right now, so I have to say all praise. - So you wanted to push him out a window. - Praise, praise. You do have to have reality. The great thing about these computers that we carry around in our pickets is that they create a
disconnect of reality. I have the good fortune of every Tuesday I play mahjong with my girlfriends. Thank you. (laughs) - When you say mahjong in Asia,
we're like, "We love you." - We can play later in the lobby, because I missed my game this week. (laughs) But when my husband's
home and we're playing, we bring food, and it's
in the whole afternoon. Drop off the kids at school. We all meet at my house,
and then we leave-- - Are there drinks? Is there wine? - You know, it is not a
drinking game, am I correct? - Oh man. - It is not a drinking game. - I'm still with you though. - You gotta have clarity. - Oh you can. - There are many times when
Danny will come in and say, "You women are so lucky
to have each other." Because whether it be that we're just laughing and carrying on and bringing joy to one another or it's a group therapy. This happened to me and my kid said that, and then this happened. Oh, that happened to me once, and this is what I did,
or this is what she did, or this is what. And that community really is
what we're talking about here. It's about support and educating, and bringing out the best in each other, and being there for one another. I was saying things this morning on the phone to my husband. I was taking credit for them, but she said them to me. And so, that's what you do. You take from friends and you
apply it to your own life. That's important. That is the strength of people. - But in order to do that, you have to be willing to share, and some people are not
good community builders, because to be in community with somebody means you have to be vulnerable. And what I find is that
when you are vulnerable, you open up other people's vulnerabilities and everybody gets a little bit more. And I think quite frankly that's the problem with men sometimes. You guys are trying to be all tough and you don't wanna talk about anything, so you're keeping all these
thoughts in your minds. You don't know anything. You need help. You need other people to help you think these things through. It's like don't do this
stuff on your own, dude. You're wrong. - Oh my god, I love you. - You're starting a situation
here in the front row, we might have to move on. - That was leading to
my next point actually, and I think you sort of
answered it to some degree, because I did this activity
with a group of students and I asked them. During your darkest days, where
does your light come from? Because we all have dark days. And we drew a picture of a sun, and all these arrows pointing inwards, and they said friends, and family, and so many other little things that you encounter every day. If you'd like to share a
little bit more about that. On your darkest days, where
does our light come from? - Wow, I mean sometimes it doesn't come, and you just have to believe that it will, that it will come. There's that saying no
matter how long the night, the day is sure to come. And you just have to believe in that, no matter what the circumstances are. It's one of the things
that I think we were so impressed, so deeply moved in Vietnam, the stories that were
being shared with us, the depth of vulnerability, the depth of courage that it takes to share stories like some
of the ones that we heard. That is what... It wasn't so much about the triumph. It was about the
vulnerability and the belief that one can hold in one's self that no matter how long the night, the day is sure to come. And for a six-year-old to
believe that in themselves, that was not the six-year-old I was or the 10-year-old, or the 26-year-old. So it is so moving and magical. We can change each other's lives in these incredible ways that are big and can be so tiny. It is the sharing. Sharing is such a
valuable, a valuable thing. And yeah, dudes, just get a mahjong group
going or something, because it really, find a running partner. Do anything and share. - Well, it's also, it's like you have to plan your joy. We don't teach that. We plan work. To answer your question, what happens in the
darkest hour, it's true. Those times will come, and there isn't a magic answer to that. But if you have been
thoughtful in your life and you understand how
to bring yourself joy, that's what get you through it. It doesn't mean that the
dark day didn't happen. It means that because you've
planned joy, joy is coming, but a lot of times we plan work. That's what we're taught to do. We're not taught to plan
our lives and plan our joy, and it takes planning, and it takes practice planning. So for all of you all, I say this because I know you all are burning yourselves out doing the work that you do. That's your tendency, and that's also the feeling that this is how you make change that I have to be
miserable in the process. And you can feel it
because you also juxtapose your life with the people
that you're serving, and you'll always feel blessed. You'll never feel like you should have joy when people are struggling. But for you all, in order to stay vital in this work, you have to plan joy, you
will burn yourselves out, and you will be no good to anyone. So I want you all thinking about that. As Julia said, she's unlike our mothers. Our mother's generation, it's like women didn't have joy. You just did the work, you woke up, and you wash the clothes. My mom wouldn't even
go to the hair dresser. She dyed her hair green once, and it's like, "Mom, just
go to the hairdresser." She's like, "No. "Why would I spend money on that?" because it's like that
could bring you joy, and it is important for
the people you work with to see you have joy too. So I want you all to think about that. What are you doing this week? When you leave this conference, what are you gonna do that is gonna make you selfishly smile? And how are you gonna make
sure you have that weekly, many times a week? And I dare say it, maybe even every day you have a little joy in your life. And that's defined
differently for all of us. For me, it's my kids. For me, it's anybody's kids. It's like give me some kids, and I'm-- (audience laughs) I literally would say
that in the White House. - You can take mine.
- There would be times I'd be like you gotta
get me with some kids because these adults, (audience laughs) they don't bring me joy. (audience applauding) - Mrs. Obama, could we quickly
touch on impostor syndrome? Because I know it's something you have spoken a little bit about and it was a question from one of our leaders from Indonesia, feeling you're not good enough. - Yeah. This impostor syndrome, does everybody know what we're
talking about when we say, you say mm-hmm. - I don't really know that term. - Well, particularly for minorities, there's this feeling like
because you've been told that you're not good enough
that when you're in a room, you're wondering, "Well,
how did I get here "if I've been told I'm not good enough?" Women feel it often times
because society says you shouldn't be doing that, right? So you feel like an
impostor in your own life, especially if you've achieved success or you're in rooms that
you're not supposed to be in because society has told you that. You think maybe somebody is gonna discover that I shouldn't be here, right? That's impostor syndrome. Does that make sense? - It sure does. - So, what I tell people is okay, and all I can do is tell you this, because impostor syndrome,
it's a thing in your head, and, you know, it's just
like self-confidence. It's like any internal characteristic. Much of it is what you
practice telling yourself. And if you've heard that
you're not good enough, that's what you're practicing. I'm just here to tell you it is not true. You wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be doing what you're doing if you didn't belong here. And I also have the advantage of, and I say this not with
any level of arrogance or lack of humility, but I had been at so
many powerful tables now. I've worked in every sector. I've been a lawyer at a big law firm. I've worked at an academic university, been associate dean. I've been the vice president
in community development at a hospital. I run a nonprofit organization. I've worked in the government. I worked with the mayor
in the city of Chicago. I worked in the Department
of Planning and Development. I was first lady of
United States of America. I've seen these seats. I've served on corporate boards. I've done it, not all,
but I've done a lot. And I'm just telling you there are a lot of people
who don't belong there. (audience laughs) And every table, I thought it was me. And after a little bit,
like, nope, it's him. (audience laughs) (audience cheering) It's this guy who's sitting
here talking all the time-- - But they act so well. They act like they belong. - That's because they've
been told they belong there. They don't. But there's a presumption. That's what I'm saying,
it's in his head too. He's like, "I belong here." I'm like, "No, you don't." (audience laughs) So I can tell you is that the person sitting next to
you was told based on nothing that he belongs there, and you were told that you weren't. Both things are wrong often times. What I had to learn to do for myself was age helps you with impostor syndrome. So I'm 55 now, and I've seen it. I've been waiting to be as bad as people told me I would be. I've been waiting for
when I was gonna fall, and mess up, and fail. I've been waiting because
that's what they said. I didn't belong at Princeton, right? I applied to Princeton University. My college counselor has said, "That school is too much for you." Well, I applied anyway. Got in. I was waiting for it to be hard and for everybody else
to be so much smarter. They weren't. They weren't. They were just told
that they belong there. Same thing was true
when I went and applied to Harvard Law School. Maybe I shouldn't be there. Go there, nope, nope. They're not any smarter than me. So with all the practice
of just going into the room that you weren't supposed to be in and being there and occupying those seats, and just doing you, and knowing that your
thoughts are just as relevant, your experiences are just as important. You're insight is just as valuable so that you will share it, and use it, and practice being there. That's the work you have to do if you feel like an impostor, because he isn't giving
up his seat easily. He isn't gonna just say, "I understand you don't
feel like you belong here, "Well, let me make room
for you, and sit you down, "and tell you the thing you need to hear." They're no gonna do that for you, because a lot of times they
don't even want you there, even when they nee do you there. So you can't count on somebody else giving you the self-confidence. That's not how we work, you know, and that's why you all are important, because you're not gonna do that for some kid in your life. You're gonna make sure that they never feel like an impostor. You're gonna help them practice
a different set of messages so they aren't sitting here wondering where they belong in places where we need them. We need women and diverse in minds, and people who think differently and have different religious beliefs, because truth and the right answer comes from diversity of experiences. You're needed at those tables. So you can't sit there
wondering whether you belong because you'll waste
your time in those seats, and you'll hold your voice back, and you won't be able to make change, because you're waiting for somebody to tell you that you belong. I'm telling you, you belong. Practice a different set of messages. (audience applauding) - Thank you, thank you for saying that. So important. Julia, you were talking earlier about-- - I'm sorry, isn't she amazing? Yeah, yeah. (audience applauding) Yeah, just hold on to all this. Just put it right in your pocket. - You've mentioned earlier about the little
computers in your pockets. I think all of us were still struggling with social media today and how to use it, the role, the hold it has over our lives. But I know you recently joined Instagram, if my investigation serves me well, like 2018 or something, not too long ago. I think your first post was you had the word love on a sweater, and I thought it was a really relevant, very timely post for a
world that's really hurting. But social media, it's a
double-edged sword, right? There's a lot of bad
stuff that comes with it, a lot of good, a lot of bad. Can we talk a little bit about how perhaps you've used social media, and with your kids as well, and the role it plays in your life as an actress, as a mom, and also for the leaders here today, because I think we can't
talk about leadership if we don't talk about social media. - Well, social media, I
mean I'm an older person, so there's so many things
I don't understand. (laughing) It's true. - We are in this. We're really older people in this room. - We're the elders here. - When did that happen? - It must've been yesterday. But encouraged by my teenagers, I have three children
that I really admire them and their points of view. And they were sort of
encouraging me towards Instagram, and so my investigation, I wanna do something if I can do it the way that I felt comfortable with. I don't wanna have another thing that I'm sort of partly participating in, but not really participating in. I'm not a great poster. I think there's some kind of unwritten law that you're supposed to post every day. That will never happen. But it's fun and I have my... I designed it through Instagram in the same way anybody can where the only comments
I can get on my feed are from people that I follow. Because I'm not going to answer everybody's question
or everybody's comment. So I didn't want something
else there in my life that was going uncompleted
at the end of the day, and that's how it works for me, and I'm able to post things that are funny or interesting to me and might be interesting to you. So it's been a folly for me. But then moments like this happen and I'm able to say, "Hey, you people that might follow me, "I'm doing this really rad thing, "and I'm with this organization "and it's really important to me, "and check it out." So that's where I do see the
true value of social media. And I know for, say,
my niece, for example, who's an actor and 28
years old and remarkable, her social media is very different, and it's really motivating, and it's very much about her interest in the thing that she's doing, and she has a lot more
followers than I ever will. But it should be fun. These things just get taken so seriously, and then we start taking things to heart, and it goes back to
what Michele was saying. I mean I remember the first time I got a really, really bad review, and it was the only time. That's a joke. (audience laughs) But I took it to such heart, and I realized I'd never taken any positive thing written about me inside myself so deeply. And if I couldn't create that balance of taking them equally, then I shouldn't invite them into my mind. And so I don't read reviews, I sort of ask for what's
the temperature of reviews, and that's all I really need to know. So I think it's the same
with any of this stuff. You need utilize it where it's positive and then leave it alone when it starts to become something that is toxic. - And so for all of our-- (audience applauding) And for all of our 200
Obama Leaders here today from all of the Asia-Pacific region, you're here because
you're doing incredible, impactful things in your villages, communities, your countries, but I think a lot of
the leaders are inspired by your roots, Mrs.
Obama, and President Obama as good neighbors, community
organizers, and advocates from all those years ago. And so, if we could rewind a little before the Obama Foundation,
before the stage, when it was just an idea
or a thought in your minds. How was your story, your own personal stories influence what you want the Obama Foundation to be? - That's a good question. For me, public service,
the work that you all do, the work that we do is selfish. It is selfish because it brings me joy and I learned that when I was younger, because before I left the practice of law, before I met my husband. Because actually he was the
first person in my life, one of the first people who made me think about
my life differently, until then I describe
myself as a box checker. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, because probably as a working class kid from the south side of Chicago, my vision of what I could
be was fairly limited. My family was a family of carpenters, and jitney cab drivers,
and postal workers, and a few teachers here or there. That's what I knew. So, as a smart kid with ambitions, then I had to shape a vision where I understood that
education was important, I knew that I needed to get good grades, and I needed to go to good schools, and be something that sounded fine. That was my thinking, and that led me to Harvard Law School and practicing at a firm. And when I got there at the
end of this checkbox rainbow, there was no pot of gold. I hated it because I had spent no time thinking about what I cared about, because that's kind of sometimes what school gets you doing, the path of doing right
makes you just go along. And picked law because I got a good response from other people when I said I'm going to be a lawyer. It was like, oh, okay, that's good. They like that you be a lawyer, a doctor, you be a scientist maybe. There's like a handful
of things you can be, and I picked one, and I got a good response from my family, but it had no reflection
on what I cared about, and then I met this guy
Barack Obama that was like fluttering all over the world, and he was a community organizers. What's that? What does that mean to help other people? You mean you were working in my city. You are from Hawaii, but you're working on the
far south side of Chicago in a community I didn't
know really existed, and you're making change? And all I'm doing is driving to south making a lot of money. I need to explore myself. So, with some changes and some rethinking, I started working for the government. I were in a non-profit. And with every job, I made less money, which very disturbed my mother. She's like, "I don't
really even understand "your strategy here." I made less money but I was happy, and I felt purposeful, and it made sense to me, and I'd love mentoring young people. I love working with young people. I loved helping young people
see a bigger world than I saw. Because my view is like
if I couldn't see it, I'm gonna help them see it, so that they can shape a
bigger life for themselves, because so many kids around the world are like me or less. They just only know what they see. And it's like, wow, if
we can open this up, open up these minds, and show kids all that they can be, and all the life that they can have, wow, that's a life's work. So I guess that way of
thinking is the beginning of the concept of the Obama Foundation, because Barack and I had to think about well what do we. You know, we did our
time, we did our years, try to make change, did what we could, sort of the formal setting,
but we're still young. And so, what does it mean
to continue our work. What it didn't mean was us sitting in the seats of leadership forever, and ever, and
ever, and ever, and ever. It meant us working to find
a way to replace ourselves, and that's where you guys come in. Because if we can take the
little bit that we learned and help you guys, and a lot of that help means that you just get to meet each other. I mean what you'll find
that in this arena, yeah, these are nice conversations, you're gonna go to some workshops, there's gonna be talking, and you're gonna learn some things, and we're gonna learn way more from you than you learn from us, but the truth is that you all are getting to know each other. This is the community. This is a community of support that you need to do the work. And if we can help facilitate that, because we can get donors like
all the people in this room are gonna write huge checks and facilitate continuing to
create community among you all, so that you replicate
yourselves in your communities, and on, and on, and on. Well, that' way more powerful than just Michelle or Barack Obama continuing to make good speeches, and be seen, and blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah. The power comes in you multiplying yourselves around the world, so that there are
thousands, and thousands, millions upon millions of people and communities all over the place doing good things, and making change, and changing the conversation, and creating positive energy, and telling the truth, and building real sustainable work. That's how change happens, and that's the vision
for the Obama Foundation. - Amazing. (audience applauding) And so we've spoken about, to some degree, about persistence, and
grit, and perseverance, but what about knowing when to let go? One of our leaders from the
Philippines, she's asked, she says as leaders we know we have to fight hard for our
causes and our communities. As you've said earlier, it's a long arduous
struggle for many people, but when is it okay to let go? Because as far as I know, the world tells us letting
go means you failed. And no body wants to fail. It's all about achieving
and moving forward. And so, but there is
an idea when to let go, when to move on from something, and maybe some battles
are not worth fighting. - Well, but that's the
all or nothing mentality that we struggle with, especially in progressive communities. It's almost like if you
don't win, you've lost. But the truth is that change, they're moments of victories, right? So it's not that you give, it's when do you say that even the small victory is worth it. So, no, you are not going. So accept the fact that you may not see any results from the work
you're doing in your lifetime. Just assume that. Just assume that what you're
doing isn't gonna help you, maybe not even your kids, but it's gonna help your grandkids and your great grandkids, and great great grandkids. I mean that's how our parents were taught. My father didn't like hold down a job at the city for all of his life because he was happy about it . No, no, what he understand
that his investment in that crappy job that he had, getting up every day and
going to work wasn't for him. It was for me. He did it for me. So my father have the attitude of I'm not happy, I'm not
making a lot of money, I don't own my own house, so I'm just gonna quit, right? I would not be here. I am his legacy. So the thing I want you
all to understand is that every issue you're working on is worth it. It just may be your expectation of what change looks
like is a long-term view. So you're putting down markers. Everything you're doing in the life of somebody
that you're working with is putting down a marker. And if your goal of success is that nope, we gotta win, then you'll be disappointed. That's where we don't get anywhere. It requires compromise. Change is always incremental. And if you don't accept that and can't accept that in this work, then yeah, why bother? But how do we make
change if we don't do it bit by bit, by bit, by bit? We're still not where we need to be in the United States of
America when it comes to race. People thought electing
Barack Obama would and racism. (scoffs) (audience laughs) That's 400 years of stuff
that was gonna be eliminated because eight years of
this kid from Hawaii? Are you kidding me? We planted a marker. We made a change. We created vision of a different thing. Did we fix everything in eight years? No. Were we ever going to? No. Who thought that that's how change happen. Where do we get that from? So I want you all to get
that out of your heads, because you might as well give up now. If you think you need to win, if that's why you're doing this is to win and not to be a part of the
bigger, longer, solution, then go make money. That's how you win, make a lot of money, and then you can measure
it and say, "I won." And I guarantee you that
won't make you happy. You'll just have numbers. I don't know, I could go on and on. Starting to rant. Julia, stop me. - Well, it's so good, and it really does, because we've had longer conversations about this kind of thing. It is hard. You want to have the victory, you wanna have the success, you wanna be able to put
something down and say, "We did this." But every day, just because
you can't hold it in your hand, every day you do have something that you can say, "We did this. "I did this." And going back to the beginning, if it's just that conversation
with a young person or with each other after all this, because I'm sure you'll
have a lot to talk about when you walk out of these doors, just to have the depth, and the truth, and to really look at each other when you have those conversations, and believe in each other,
and encourage each other, those are the victories. Those are the incremental things that you can mark and say, "Okay, I made a new friend
or someone told me something "that is gonna make me
better at my job tomorrow." Those are the markers. Those are the little things. Because it's not gonna be the big parade. They go, "Oh yeah, we're
gonna throw you a parade. "This is what you did. "That's great. That won't happen, unless
you're an astronaut. - And now that doesn't even happen. - It doesn't happen anymore.
- We were talking about that. Your friend was in the, he was in space.
- He was in space. I went to high school with
a boy who's an astronaut. He went to space. - Like where is his parade? - Yeah. - He was in space for like a hundred days. - For a long time, yeah. - You don't even know, what's his name? Let's just give him some credit. - Shane Kimbrough. Whoo, yeah! (applauding) - Go Shane. Thank you, Shane. - And so now we are coming
to the end of our session. It's been a quick one hour. I know you would want it to
go on further, all day, right? As a closing question to
our 200 Obama Leaders here, individuals who have so
much power that they hold. Can we talk a little bit
about the kind of ethical, the right kind of leadership our world desperately needs right now, that we may not be getting, and how individuals like
these individuals here today can start, even start small. We talk about starting
small but thinking big, how the can play that role in their lives. - It's a big question. - Yeah, ethics, asking Americans
about ethics right now. (laughs) Yeah, just let it wash over you. Yeah. I think that my way of thinking is very small in a beautiful way, and I think that nobody would be here if they didn't have integrity and a heart compass and a moral compass. You wouldn't be in this room if you didn't have those things. And there are the bigger
things in the world that try to wear those things out or spin those compasses where you can't see
where north is anymore, and it's just being there for one another, that we're fortunate enough
to have moments like this or we have a person like
this that reminds us of all the things that we stand for, and that we are doing
properly in the world. And again, I guess it's
just, it's the little, you can't think that one gesture is gonna change an entire
system, our entire culture, but it can change the
space that you're in, and that's why I'm in it, is just to change the space,
to be part of the change, to benefit from the
change that's around me. That's all, and keep your fingers crossed. That always helps me, but that's what it is. It's the little delicious
tiny things of truth. Just be honest as much
as you can all the time and surround yourself with people who want to hear the truth. And then together, you
make the bigger truth. (audience applauding) - Thank you. And finally, Mrs. Obama? - You said it perfectly. You each know what's right. Most people do. That's why these rooms feel good. Because you go out there
in the big bad world and you see people stumbling
and doing things wrong or not following the rules
and getting away with it, and it feels unfair. Justice, sometimes it
feels absent in this world. But these moments remind
us of the truth of humanity is that most people
are waking up every day really trying to do the right thing. That's why the world works. Because if it were that chaotic, nothing would be happening. But most people, if you hold fast to the belief that people
are fundamentally good, which is what I try to do. I just try to block out the noise of all the things that we
see that are going wrong, and to remember that fundamentally people are waking up in the morning, trying to do the right thing, loving their families, going to work, trying to be productive, loving thy neighbor. They are following those tenets in life. This reminds us of that, that we're not alone, that the world isn't
always that big and bad. It can be mean at times
and it can be unfair, but all you can do every day is wake up and live by the values that you were taught by your parents. Be honest. Tell the truth. Operate from truth. Know your history. Understand the context of the world. That's important for the work you do. You have to know what happen in order to know how to go forward, not to make the same mistake. So history and context are important. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Empathize for even your worst enemies. Put yourself in their shoes, understand what they're afraid of, what makes them mad, what motivates them. Know that for yourself and
live life with compassion. Just be compassionate. Those are all the things
that your parents taught you. And I have found that if that's how, if I live my life by those principles, then the answers come. But as Julia said, I don't think
you guys need that lecture, because you're here in this room and you're doing hard work. So trust your gut and don't get discouraged, because we can't afford
for you to be discouraged. You're next up. We're tapping out and
we're tapping you in, and what we want you to do
is lead with compassion. When you do lead, do that favor for us, replicate the values that you feel here in the work that you do, in the staff that you manage, in the people that you encourage. Stay high. Stay high, because going low never works. It never does, but you all know that, and that's why we're investing in you. So good luck and god bless you all. (audience applauding) - Thank you so much for sharing your truth with us today.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
- Thank you. - And I have to say sitting
up here on the stage with the bright shiny lights, both of your smiles, they
really light up the room. And your energy that comes through, its wonderful, it's beautiful. Thank you so much for being a beacon to people all over the world and for spotlighting others.
- We're proud of you all. - Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Michelle Obama and Julia Roberts. (audience cheering)
