♪ ♪
>> Stephen: HELLO! SAY HELLO TO LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND, EVERYBODY, RIGHT OVER THERE.
THEY ARE THE TALENTED ONES. RIGHT OVER THERE.
LOUIS. >> Louis: STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALWAYS A GOOD TIME WHEN OUR DEAR FRIEND JOHN
DICKERSON IS HERE. SHOULD BE OUT JUST A MOMENT,
SITTING RIGHT THERE. CBS NEWS CHIEF POLITICAL
ANALYST. AND THE ANCHOR OF "THE DAILY
REPORT WITH JOHN DICKERSON" CBS NEWS.
IF ANYBODY CAN EXPLAIN, IF ANYBODY CAN ASK PLANE WHAT'S
GOING ON, IT'S HIM. QUICK REMINDER, AS LONG AS WE'RE
TALKING POLITICS HERE, MONDAY, RIGHT?
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY, ALL NEXT WEEK THE REPUBLICAN
NATIONAL CONVENTION WILL BE IN MILWAUKEE AND WE WILL BE LIVE
FROM NOT MILWAUKEE, RIGHT HERE AT THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER EVERY
NIGHT TO HAVE JOKES. THE HA HA'S AFTER THE UH-OHs.
PLEASE JOIN US, WON'T YOU? FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW,
YOU KNOW I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE ASSEMBLING THE
DAY'S FRESHEST RAMO GRANDJE NEWS BEEF,
TOPICAL PRETA LUSITANICA STORY CHICKEN, AND BLOOD PUDDING
WRAPPED IN KALE LEAF, CAREFULLY LAYERING IT ALL IN A PANELA
WHICH I LOWER INTO A GEOTHERMAL CALDERA FOR 7 HOURS
AT 82 DEGREES CELSIUS TO CREATE THE HEARTY YET BALANCED AZOREAN
COZIDO-DAS-FURNAS STEW THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I WAKE UP NEAR MY FRIEND COSMO'S FAVORITE DUMPSTER
AND DIG A HOLE IN THE DIRT WITH A BUSTED TROWEL, FILL IT
WITH DRYER LINT AND PAINT THINNER, THEN SCRAPE
IN A HALF-EATEN PORK CHOP AND SOME GNAWED OFF CHICKEN WINGS
AND LIGHT IT UP AND INVITE YOU TO THE INDIGENT GRISTLE PIT
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT... >> "MEANWHILE"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] >> Stephen: THAT RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S LIKE BRIGHT LIGHT IN A DARK TUNNEL, MEANWHILE.
IT'S HOPE. MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW
STUDY, SELF-DRIVING CARS HAVE BEEN FOUND TO BE SAFER,
EXCEPT AT DAWN, DUSK, OR WHEN TURNING.
FANTASTIC. SO ENJOY USING YOUR SELF-DRIVING
CAR TO GET ANYWHERE THAT'S DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU
AT NOON. MEANWHILE, AS A RESULT OF
A BEE STING, THIS HAPPENED TO MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY'S FACE.
DAMN. TO QUOTE McCONAUGHEY,
I HOPE HE'S OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. ON THE PLUS SIDE, HE MADE THE
COVER OF "PEOPLE'S SEXIEST ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK ALIVE."
THIS'LL MAKE FOR A GREAT NEW ROM-COM,
"HOW TO LOSE AN EYE IN 10 DAYS." IT'S UNCLEAR HOW THE BEE STING
ACTUALLY HAPPENED, BUT I SUSPECT IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH
THIS NEW LINCOLN AD. >> I'VE BEEN DRIVING A LINCOLN
SINCE LONG BEFORE -- AHHH!
BEES! BEES!
>> Stephen: MEANWHILE, POOR PLANNING, REALLY POOR PLANNING.
MEANWHILE. [APPLAUSE]
MEANWHILE, IN GEORGIA, A RESTAURANT IS APOLOGIZING
AFTER A CUSTOMER USED A FUNNEL TO POUR A MARGARITA
IN A WOMAN'S BUTT. APOLOGY?
HOW ABOUT "YOU'RE WELCOME"? OR BOTTOM'S UP.
[APPLAUSE] WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE MAN IS,
RIGHT? AFTER THE MAN HERE SERVED
THE MARGA-REAR-TA, THE EATERY'S MANAGEMENT SAID,
"WE RECENTLY BECAME AWARE OF AN INAPPROPRIATE INCIDENT THAT TOOK
PLACE IN OUR RESTAURANT. WE WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR
THAT SUCH BEHAVIOR IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE."
YES. IT WAS COMPLETELY
UNACCEPTABLE. NOT BECAUSE HE POURED IT.
HE FORGOT TO SALT THE RIM. >> Louis: WOW.
WOW. [APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHTER] >> Stephen: MEANWHILE,
RESEARCHERS NOW SAY "BEES CAN COUNT, RECOGNIZE HUMAN
FACES, AND LEARN HOW TO USE TOOLS."
SO DO NOT EVER SHORT-CHANGE A BEE 'CAUSE THEY KNOW WHO YOU
ARE AND THEY'LL CUT YOUR BRAKE CABLES.
THIS ALSO RAISES A QUESTION: WHAT DID MATTHEW McCAUNNAUGHEY
DO TO THAT BEE? MEANWHILE, GOOD NEWS FOR
SAUCE-FREAKS, BECAUSE A NEW LIMITED-EDITION SAUCE FROM HEINZ
HAS 14 SAUCES-IN-ONE, CALLED "EVERY SAUCE."
IT'S A COMBINATION OF MAYONNAISE,
HEINZ TRUFFLE MAYONNAISE, HEINZ SMOKEY BACONNAISE,
HEINZ MAYO-RACHA, HEINZ MAYO-MUST,
HEINZ AIOLI, WHICH IS ALSO A MAYONNAISE,
BUT ALSO HEINZ CHIP SAUCE, WHICH, FUN FACT, IS MAYONNAISE
AS WELL, AND IT ALSO CONTAINS HEINZ SAUCY SAUCE, WHICH --
SAY IT WITH ME -- IS MAYONNAISE.
LESS A CONDIMENT AND MORE A CRY FOR HELP.
THEY SHOULD JUST CHANGE THE NAME TO "HEINZ ASSISTED SUICAUCE."
[APPLAUSE] MEANWHILE, TV FANS ACROSS
THE POND ARE BAFFLED BY A BIZARRE EUROPEAN TV SERIES
IN WHICH A FICTIONAL ANGELA MERKEL SOLVES CRIMES
IN HER RETIREMENT, WHICH MAY SOUND WEIRD.
BUT IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME A EUROPEAN LEADER HAS TURNED
TO TV. WHO CAN FORGET CLASSIC SHOWS
LIKE "DE GAULLE IN THE FAMILY," AND "LAVERNE AND HIMMLER."
MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY, "HIPPOPOTAMUSES
CAN BECOME AIRBORNE FOR SUBSTANTIAL PERIODS OF TIME."
WELL, I'VE ALREADY KNOWN THAT FOR YEARS, THANKS TO
THE GROUNDBREAKING RESEARCH WITH MY HIPPOPOTA-PULT.
THEY LOVE IT. THEY LOVE IT.
IT'S NOT CRUEL AT ALL. MEANWHILE, "A FUNGUS IS
KILLING FROGS AND HOMEMADE SAUNAS MIGHT SAVE THEM,"
THE FROGS GET BOXES THAT "MIMIC SAUNAS FOUND IN SPA
RESORTS, AND THE HEAT HEALS THE INFECTION."
WHICH SOUNDS NICE, BUT YOU KNOW THERE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE THAT ONE
FROG WHO INSISTS ON SITTING WITH HIS LEGS WAY TOO FAR APART.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN DICKERSON!
OF CBS NEWS.
