>> Stephen: LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND, EVERYBODY. RIGHT OVER THERE.
THERE YOU GO. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THERE YOU GO. LOUIS.
>> Louis: STEPHEN! >> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS.
FOLKS, AS I WAS SAYING OVER THERE BEFORE THE COMMERCIAL
BREAK, CONCERNS OVER JOE BIDEN ARE
STILL DOMINATING MUCH THE NEWS, AND DONALD TRUMP IS TRYING TO
PLAY IT COOL. REPORTEDLY, TRUMP'S GOT A NEW
2024 PLAN: MODERATION, LYING LOW,
AND DROPPING THE RETRIBUTION THREATS AND THE JANUARY 6TH
CELEBRATION. YES, IT'S A NEW
PEACE-AND-LOVE TRUMP. ♪ COUP D'ETAT, MY LORD ♪
[LAUGHTER] ♪ POOP ON RUG ♪
♪ HANG MIKE PENCE, MY LORD, ♪ ♪ CHICKEN NUG ♪
BUT DON'T YOU DARE BUY IT. TRUMP IS JUST AS INSANE
AND AS FASCIST AS EVER. LOOK NO FURTHER THAN A PLAN
HATCHED BY FORMER MEMBERS OF HIS ADMINISTRATION CALLED
PROJECT 2025. [BOOING]
USE BEEN READING UP? IT IS A BLUEPRINT FOR A RADICAL
FAR-RIGHT TAKEOVER OF EVERYTHING IN THE U.S. GOVERNMENT THAT,
AMONG MANY OTHER SCARY THINGS, PROPOSES THAT TRUMP TAKE
DIRECT PRESIDENTIAL CONTROL OF THE ENTIRE FEDERAL BUREAUCRACY,
INCLUDING INDEPENDENT AGENCIES SUCH AS THE DEPARTMENT
OF JUSTICE. TRUMP'S JUST GONNA FILL THEM ALL
WITH HIS CRONIES. SO GET READY FOR FBI DIRECTOR
LEE GREENWOOD GOD BLESS THE USA BIBLE FOR ONLY 59.99.
THE AUTHORS OF PROJECT 2025 WANT TRUMP TO ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE
ORDER THAT MAKES IT EASIER TO FIRE GOVERNMENT WORKERS,
THEN REPLACE THEM WITH WHAT THE PROJECT 2025 WEBSITE CALLS
"AN "ARMY" OF LOYAL CONSERVATIVES TO BE TRAINED
TO FILL THOSE POSTS. SO ALL GOVERNMENT WORKERS ARE
TO BE REPLACED BY MAGA LOYALISTS.
SO THE NEXT TIME YOU GO THE AIRPORT,
YOU'RE GONNA GET PATTED DOWN BY THIS GUY.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, DON'T FORGET TO PUT YOUR
ELECTRONICS IN A SEPARATE BIN!" BIN!
[APPLAUSE] WHERE WILL THEY FIND THESE LOYAL
GOONS? IN A NEWLY PROPOSED FAR-RIGHT
LINKEDIN-STYLE DATABASE. THAT IS CHILLING.
AND SOMEHOW ONLY SLIGHTLY WORSE THAN REGULAR LINKEDIN.
PROJECT 2025 ALSO PLANS TO "MAINTAIN A BIBLICALLY BASED
DEFINITION OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY."
[BOOING] NO, NO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THEY WANT TO RETURN TO ONE MAN, ONE CONCUBINE,
THREE OF HIS DAUGHTERS, AND ONE TALKING DONKEY.
THOUGH I MIGHT BE THINKING OF "SHREK."
NOW, FOR A PROJECT FOCUSED ON REFORMING AMERICA'S GOVERNMENT,
THEY'RE ODDLY FOCUSED ON REFORMING AMERICA'S
JIGGLY PARTS. BECAUSE PROJECT 2025 WANTS TO
CRIMINALIZE PORNOGRAPHY, WRITING THAT "THE PEOPLE WHO PRODUCE
IT AND DISTRIBUTE IT SHOULD BE IMPRISONED."
OH, NO. IMPRISONED?
LIKE WITH HANDCUFFS [LAUGHTER]
AND BIG STRONG SWEATY MEN AND WOMEN IN CAGES?
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT? I MEAN, ARE THEY PUNISHED
IN SOME WAY? IS THERE, LIKE, WHIPPING AND,
YOU KNOW, TAKE YOUR TIME. DON'T LEAVE OUT ANY DETAILS.
BUT LISTEN. SO I'VE HEARD.
BUT WE ALL NEED TO BE PREPARED TO OBEY THE LAW AND AVOID
THE TEMPTATIONS OF PORNOGRAPHY, WHICH IS WHY I'M PROUD TO
PARTNER WITH A NEW PRODUCT: THE VIPER GROIN ALERT SYSTEM.
IF YOU COME WITHIN THREE FEET OF ANYTHING THAT STIRS YOUR LOINS,
YOU'LL BE DETERRED BY THE FOLLOWING ALARM.
>> AROUSAL! AROUSAL!
PLEASE STEP AWAY FROM YOUR GENITALS!"
AROUSAL! AROUSAL!
PLEASE STEP AWAY. [CHIRPS]
>> Stephen: THANKS, VIPER. [APPLAUSE]
PROJECT 2025 IS AN OBVIOUS AND CHILLING BLUEPRINT FOR
A CHRISTO-FASCIST FUTURE, AND TRUMP KNOWS THAT THAT IS
TOXIC TO VOTERS. SO HE'S DENIED ANY KNOWLEDGE OF
OR CONNECTION TO IT. BUT NO MATTER HOW HARD TRUMP
TRIES TO DISTANCE HIMSELF, HE CAN'T CHANGE THE FACT
THAT IT'S RUN BY MORE THAN 200 FORMER OFFICIALS OF THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION AND THAT THE G.O.P. PLATFORM HAS BEEN
CRAFTED AND INFLUENCED BY INDIVIDUALS WITH DEEP TIES
TO PROJECT 2025. I JUST HOPE THAT ONCE VOTERS
LEARN EVERYTHING THAT TRUMP AND HIS CRONIES STAND FOR,
THEY WILL TURN OUT IN MASSIVE NUMBERS TO VOTE FOR JOE BIDEN
OR KAMALA HARRIS OR WHOEVER THE DEMOCRATS NOMINATE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND WE WILL FINALLY BE ABLE TO
KICK DONALD TRUMP OUT OF OUR LIVES FOREVER.
>> AROUSAL! AROUSAL!
>> Stephen: SORRY. THAT'S ME.
[CHIRPS] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH GRETCHEN WHITMER.
