<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN! ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> JON--
>> Jon: AAAH! >> Stephen: JON, WE'VE GOT A
GREAT-- WE HAVE AMAZING GUESTS TONIGHT. THE WE HAVE BOB WOODWARD AND
ROBERT COSTA FROM THE BOOK "PERIL." I CAN'T WAIT. I-- I-- I JUST-- SPOILER: DON'T
TELL ME HOW DEMOCRACY ENDS. NOW, IT'S A GREAT BOOK, THOUGH,
VERY ENJOYABLE. "ENJOYABLE" IS NOT THE RIGHT
WORD. GRIPPING, I CALL IT A GRIPPING
READ. I CAN'T WAIT TO FINISH IT, BUT
IT'S PRETTY UPSETTING. JON, IT WAS LOVELY TO SEE YOU
OUT AT THE EMMYS. >> Jon: YES, YES. >> Stephen: YOU AND OUR GUESTS
TONIGHT-- >> Jon: GOOD TO BE THERE. >> Stephen: YOU AND OUR
MUSICAL GUEST TONIGHT LEON BRIDGES DID A BEAUTIFUL,
BEAUTIFUL RENDITION OF HIS SONG. THE NAME OF THE SONG IS AGAIN? >> Jon: "RIVER." >> Stephen: "RIVER" FOR ITS
IMMEMORIUM REEL. I WAS PROUD TO SEE YOU UP THERE. IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL
PERFORMANCE. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME OVER THERE CAREFULLY ASSEMBLING
THE MOST TOPICAL VIRTUOSO WIND SECTION, TUNING THE VIOLAS,
CELLOS, AND CONTRABASS TO THE COUNTRY'S ZEITGEIST, AND WAVING
MY CONDUCTOR'S BATON IN THE TEMPO OF HUMOR TO PRESENT FOR
YOU THE SPECTACULAR BRAHMS CONCERTO IN SATIRE MAJOR THAT IS
MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP IN A
FUGUE STATE BEHIND THE ABANDONED VIDEO STORE, STEAL A GARBAGE CAN
LID AND A BROKEN UMBRELLA HANDLE, THEN GRAB AN EMPTY CAN
OF P.B.R. I'VE BEEN USING AS AN ASHTRAY TO FASHION A RUSTED
KAZOO, ALL TO CREATE THE 2-IN-THE-MORNING ONE-MAN-STOMP
SHOW OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> "MEANWHILE!"<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).</i> >> Stephen: IT'S A SHOT IN THE
ARM IS WHAT IT IS. IT'S A SHOT IN THE ARM TO A
WEARY NATION. MEANWHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND
EVIDENCE OF HUMANS MAKING CLOTHES 120,000 YEARS AGO, WHICH
MEANS WE CAN FINALLY DATE THE FIRST-EVER "WHO WORE IT BEST." MEANWHILE, AFTER SEVERAL
ACCIDENTS WHILE ON AUTOPILOT, SOME TESLA OWNERS ARE LOSING
TRUST IN ELON MUSK'S PROMISES OF "FULL SELF-DRIVING," WHICH
IS EMBARRASSING FOR MUSK, WHO HAS PUBLICLY BRAGGED, "IF YOU
BUY A CAR THAT DOES NOT HAVE THE HARDWARE NECESSARY FOR FULL
SELF-DRIVING, IT IS LIKE BUYING A HORSE." AND A TESLA IS NOTHING LIKE A
HORSE, BECAUSE A HORSE CAN MOVE ON ITS OWN WITHOUT CRASHING
INTO A SUNGLASS HUT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA MAN FED UP WITH POTHOLES PLANTED A BANANA
TREE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
I GOTTA SAY, I DID NOT EXPECT THAT HEADLINE TO END WITH
FLORIDA MAN DOING GENEROUS PUBLIC WORKS. I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE, "FLORIDA
MAN FED UP WITH POTHOLES FILLS IT WITH EX-WIFE'S PHOTOS AND
DEFROSTED CHICKEN WINGS BEFORE SETTING IT ON FIRE WITH
HAIRSPRAY." <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
SURE. FLORIDA MAN. MEANWHILE, AUCKLAND, NEW
ZEALAND, IS CURRENTLY UNDER LOCKDOWN WITH FAST FOOD
RESTAURANTS CLOSED, AND YET, NEW ZEALAND COPS HAVE ARRESTED
MEN ENTERING THE LOCKED-DOWN CITY WITH LARGE AMOUNTS OF
ILLICIT K.F.C. OH, NEW ZEALAND! THAT'S WHAT COUNTS AS ILLICIT
FOR YOU? IN AMERICA, WE GOT METH-HEADS
GETTING BUSTED FOR COOKING VIAGRA BATH SALTS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
VIAGRA BATH SALTS: THE MOST TERRIFYING BONER YOU'LL NEVER
ESCAPE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
APPARENTLY, THESE KENTUCKY FRIED BANDITS WERE ATTEMPTING TO
SMUGGLE IN THREE BUCKETS OF CHICKEN, A BIG STASH OF FRIES,
AND TEN TUBS OF COLESLAW. TEN TUBS OF COLESLAW?! ARREST THEM FOR THAT! WHO LOOKS AT MAC AND CHEESE AND
MASHED POTATOES AND SAYS, "EH, YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD GO FOR? WET CABBAGE." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BOB
WOODWARD AND ROBERT COSTA.
