♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY! OH, MY GOSH, I LOVE IT! YOU MAY NOT HAVE-- JON, YOU MAY
NOT HAVE NOTICED IT, BUT THEY CAME BACK-- THEY CAME BACK WHEN
I WAS STILL OVER THERE TALKING TO CHRIS AND I LOVE IT. I LOVE THE IDEA THAT I CAN JUST
COME BACK WHEN I'M AWAY FROM THE DESK AND COME BACK. DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR THE
WEEKEND? IT'S ONLY WEDNESDAY, HUMP DAY. BUT ACCORDING TO THE CITY
GUIDELINES, EVERY DAY IS HUMP DAY. THANK YOU, JOE. THANK YOU, JOE. ARE YOU GIGGING ANYWHERE? >> Jon: I'M WRITING SOME
ORKET RAL CHARTS. I'M PLAYING WITH THE B.S.O. I'M
GOING TO RESPOND THE WEEKEND COMPOSING THE ORCHESTRATION. IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT. >> Stephen: WOW. WHEN CAN I SEE IT? >> Jon: YOU SHOULD COME. IT'S ON THE FOURTH OF JULY
WEEKEND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). CAN YOU COME? IF. >> Stephen: I GOT-- I GOT
PLANS. I GOT PLANS. >> Jon: OH, YEAH. >> Stephen: SORRY. >> Jon: I'LL RECORD IT AND
I'LL SEND IT TO YOU. >> Stephen: OH, WOULD YOU
PLEASE. >> Jon: YES. >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO HOLD
YOU TO IT BECAUSE IT'S ON TV NJTSZ YOU'VE GOT WITNESSED. >> Stephen: IS IT GOING TO BE
BROADCAST? >> Jon: YES, IT'S GOING TO BE
ON TV. >> Stephen: THEN I'LL WATCH
TV. >> Jon: IT IS, YEAH. >> Stephen: I GOT ONE OF
THOSE. <i> ( LAUGHTER ).</i> >> Jon: I THINK YOU'RE ON ONE
OF THOSE. >> Stephen: WHAT? OH, ( BLEEP ). LET'S DO THE SHOW. SORRY. THANK YOU FOR REMINDING ME
BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE JUST HANGING. FOLKS, MY MONOLOGUE CAN
SOMETIMES GET A LITTLE BOGGED DOWN IN SERIOUS STORIES ABOUT
TOXIC POLITICS, CONGRESSIONAL GRIDLOCK, AND SUSPECT TUNA
SANDWICHES. SO IT'S NICE EVERY SO OFTEN TO
TAKE A BREAK AND BRING YOU HAPPIER NEWS LIKE WE'RE
LAUNCHING HELPLESS ANIMALS INTO SPACE AGAIN. AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT
IN MY 13.8-BILLION-YEAR-OLD SEGMENT, "SPACE NEWS: ANIMAL
EDITION!" <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
THE LATEST IN SPACE NEW IS THAT "NASA HAS SENT SQUID INTO SPACE
FOR RESEARCH." ONE IMAGINES THEY'LL BE TESTING
THE EFFECT OF COSMIC RADIATION ON AQUATIC LIFE FORMS. SHOULD BE FAIRLY SIMPLE:
WE GO NOW LIVE TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. COMMANDER LEWIS, HOW ARE THE
EXPERIMENTS ON THOSE SQUID GOING? KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, SIR. NASA HAS NOT SAID WHAT THEY'RE
GOING TO DO WITH THE SQUID ONCE THEY'VE FINISHED THEIR RESEARCH,
BUT JUST IN CASE, THEY'RE LAUNCHING A SHIPMENT OF COCKTAIL
SAUCE AND LEMON WEDGES. NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE
ALWAYS FELT THAT SPACE JUST IS NOT CORPORATE ENOUGH, I'VE
GOT GREAT NEWS IN MY STILL-GOING SEGMENT:
"SPACE NEWS: CROSS-PLATFORM SYNERGY EDITION!"
NASA ANNOUNCED A NEW BRAND PARTNERSHIP YESTERDAY. "TIDE IS DEVELOPING THE FIRST
LAUNDRY DETERGENT FOR ASTRONAUTS' CLOTHING ON THE
SPACE STATION." VERY IMPORTANT THAT ASTRONAUTS
HAVE CLEAN CLOTHES. YOU WANT TO LOOK YOUR BEST WHILE
YOU ARE PEEING INTO A SHOP VAC. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT HEADLINE USED THE WORD "FIRST"
DETERGENT. WE'VE BEEN SENDING PEOPLE TO
SPACE FOR 60 YEARS, SO WHAT HAVE THEY BEEN DOING ALL THIS
TIME? APPARENTLY-- AND I DID NOT WANT
TO KNOW THIS-- "ASTRONAUTS WEAR THEIR UNDERWEAR, GYM CLOTHES,
AND EVERYTHING ELSE UNTIL THEY CAN'T TAKE THE FILTH AND STINK
ANYMORE." >> Audience: OOOH! >> Stephen: GOOD NEWS, COLLEGE
ROOMMATES! YOU'VE GOT THE RIGHT
STUFF. KEEP IN MIND, IN ORDER TO
PREVENT BONE LOSS, ASTRONAUTS HAVE TO WORK OUT TWO HOURS A
DAY, WHICH MAKES THEIR CLOTHES "STIFF FROM ALL THAT SWEAT," AND
"THEY'RE DEEMED TOXIC." IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU
SCREAM, BUT THEY CAN SMELL YOU FROM A MILE AWAY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ONCE THE CLOTHES ARE SO RANK THAT NO ONE CAN TAKE IT ANYMORE,
THEY'RE DISPOSED OF BY BEING SENT TO "BURN UP IN EARTH'S
ATMOSPHERE ABOARD DISCARDED CARGO SHIPS." SO REMEMBER THAT THE NEXT TIME
YOU CATCH A SNOWFLAKE ON YOUR TONGUE:
A NON-ZERO PORTION OF IT IS COMMANDER MIKE HOPKIN'S
TIGHTY-WHITIES. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CHRISTINE BARANSKI. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
