<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND! SAY HELLO TO STAY HUMAN,
EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. MY GOODNESS. OH, MY GOODNESS. >> YES, YES, YES UPON. >> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, IN
JUST A MOMENT HERE, FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," MICHAEL
CHE IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE. A VERY FUNNY YOUNG MAN. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
BRIEFLY FROM "THE DAILY SHOW" ACTUALLY. ALSO, BRIEFLY FROM "THE DAILY
SHOW." PEOPLE FORGET THAT. AND FORMER SUPREME ALLIED
COMMANDER OF NATO, ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS IS GOING TO BE OUT
HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON
IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
INTERESTING ONE-TWO PUNCH FOR GUESTS. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A SPECIAL
GUEST JOINING THE BAND TONIGHT. PLEASE INTRODUCE YOUR FRIEND. >> OH, MY GOSH, WE HAVE TRAY VON
ON THE SAXOPHONE. >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR
BEING HERE. FOLKS, I LOVE SPACE. FUN FACT: IT'S WHERE MY
PLANET IS. AND I ALSO LOVE TELLING YOU ALL
ABOUT THE LATEST OFF-EARTH DEVELOPMENTS IN MY LONG-RUNNING
SEGMENT: <i> ( ECHOING )</i>
>> SPACE NEWS! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: FIRST UP ON SPACE NEWS: BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE. LAST MONTH, THIS GAGGLE OF
BILLIONAIRES PAID TO GO TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. BUT, APPARENTLY, THE
BILLIONAIRES WEREN'T EXPECTING TO WORK SO HARD ON THE I.S.S. OH, THESE CLOWNS. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BEEN THERE
FOR THE MOMENT THAT DAWNED ON THEM. <i> ( AS BILLIONAIRE )</i>
"YEAH, HI, I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED A NOISE-CANCELLING
HELMET? WHAT'S THAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? HOSE OUT THE POOP TUBE? THAT WAS NOT IN THE BROCHURE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, KEEP IN MIND, WE ALREADY HAVE BILLIONAIRES WHO ARE SO
BILLIONED UP THAT THEY OWN THEIR OWN SPACE PROGRAMS, WHILE THESE
GUYS HAD TO PAY $55 MILLION FOR A SEAT ON A SHUTTLE. SO NOW IT'S OFFICIAL: WE NOW
HAVE SPACE COACH CLASS. PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT,
"I LOVE BEING IN A CROWDED CABIN WITH NO LEGROOM, BUT I WISH WHEN
I BARFED IT WOULD FLOAT AROUND MY HEAD." SO WHAT WAS THE SPECIFIC SPACE
WORK THE BILLIONAIRES HAD TO DO? IT WAS EXPERIMENTS ON
HOLOPORTATION, HUMAN CELLS, AND HIGH-PRECISION OPTICAL LENSES. BUT BEING THAT IT WAS THEIR
FIRST TIME IN SPACE, AND THAT THEY ARE NEITHER PROFESSIONAL
ASTRONAUTS NOR RESEARCHERS, SOME OF THE EXPERIMENTS ENDED UP
TAKING QUITE A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED. WELL, YEAH. QUALIFICATIONS COME IN HANDY. THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER GET IN THE
DENTIST CHAIR AND HEAR, "HI, I'LL BE EXTRACTING ONE OF
THOSE BIG CHOMPY ONES TODAY, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN TO TOOTH SCHOOL,
OR WHATEVER. I PAID 20 GRAND TO PLAY WITH THE
DRILL. NOW, LET ME STAB YOUR MOUTH WITH
THIS DRUG DART." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NEXT UP, DOORWAY-ON-MARS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOU HEARD RIGHT. NASA'S CURIOSITY ROVER SPOTTED
WHAT APPEARS TO BE A DOORWAY ON MARS, AND HERE'S WHAT IT LOOKS
LIKE: AMAZING! WAIT A SECOND. JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM IN ON THAT? A VALPAK! THEY'RE RELENTLESS! NOW, THIS LOOKS VERY MYSTERIOUS
AND EXCITING, BUT NASA WARNS THAT THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE THE
ENTRANCE TO AN ALIEN TOMB, MISSION SCIENTISTS SAY IT'S A
NATURAL FEATURE. COME ON. DON'T JUST DISMISS IT OUT OF
HAND. AREN'T YOU EVEN A LITTLE
TOMB-CURIOUS? THIS MARS DOOR COULD BE THE
FINAL RESTING PLACE OF THE CAREERS OF WHOEVER MADE JOHN
CARTER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NEXT-- REALLY, REALLY, BIG FANS OF JOHN CARTER. REALLY? YOU ALL ARE IN THIS THEATER
TONIGHT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NEXT UP: <i> ( ECHO )</i>
SPACE SEX! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE TERM "SPACE PROBE" IS ABOUT TO GET NEW MEANING, BECAUSE
SCIENTISTS SAY WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT BONING IN SPACE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
BECAUSE IN SPACE, EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM... IF YOU'RE DOIN' IT RIGHT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, WE SHOULD BE EMBRACING SPACE SEXOLOGY AS A
NEW DISCIPLINE OF STUDY, BECAUSE IF WE EVER WANT TO BECOME
INTERPLANETARY, WE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO BOINK IN MICROGRAVITY, OR
IF IT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. BECAUSE HAVING SEX IN
MICROGRAVITY IS HARD-- ESPECIALLY FINDING THE ZERO-G
SPOT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
YOU GUYS ARE TAKING THE SPACE NEWS PRETTY HARD TONIGHT. NEXT UP: SPACE SHOPPING. A NEW COMPANY NAMED "INVERSION"
IS BUILDING EARTH-ORBITING CAPSULES TO DELIVER GOODS
ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD FROM OUTER SPACE, AND HERE'S A PROTOTYPE OF
SAID CAPSULE. AMAZING! THAT'S THE KIND OF HIGHLY
ADVANCED DELIVERY TECHNOLOGY USUALLY RESERVED FOR ROOM
SERVICE CHICKEN FINGERS. AND THERE COULD BE A MEDICAL
APPLICATIONS. THE COMPANY'S FOUNDERS IMAGINE
THE CAPSULES COULD STORE ARTIFICIAL ORGANS THAT ARE
DELIVERED TO AN OPERATING ROOM WHICH SOUNDS GREAT, UNTIL YOU
LEARN THAT CAPSULE WOULD DEPLOY A PARACHUTE AND LAND WITHIN A
RADIUS OF TENS OF MILES FROM ITS TARGET LOCATION. <i> ( AS NURSE )</i>
"DOCTOR, HE'S FLATLINING." <i> ( AS DOCTOR )</i>
"DON'T WORRY, NURSE, THE NEW HEART JUST TOUCHED DOWN WITHIN
TENS OF MILES. HELP ME DRAG THIS GUY INTO AN
UBER." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL
CHE. ♪ ♪ ♪<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i>
