Space News: Shopping, Doing Chores, And Having Sex In Space

Video Statistics and Information

Video
Captions Word Cloud
Reddit Comments
Captions
<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY! GIVE IT UP FOR THE BAND! SAY HELLO TO STAY HUMAN, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. MY GOODNESS. OH, MY GOODNESS. >> YES, YES, YES UPON. >> Stephen: LOUIS, LOUIS, IN JUST A MOMENT HERE, FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," MICHAEL CHE IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE. A VERY FUNNY YOUNG MAN. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> BRIEFLY FROM "THE DAILY SHOW" ACTUALLY. ALSO, BRIEFLY FROM "THE DAILY SHOW." PEOPLE FORGET THAT. AND FORMER SUPREME ALLIED COMMANDER OF NATO, ADMIRAL JAMES STAVRIDIS IS GOING TO BE OUT HERE IN JUST A MOMENT. WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON IN EUROPE RIGHT NOW. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i> INTERESTING ONE-TWO PUNCH FOR GUESTS. I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST JOINING THE BAND TONIGHT. PLEASE INTRODUCE YOUR FRIEND. >> OH, MY GOSH, WE HAVE TRAY VON ON THE SAXOPHONE. >> Stephen: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. FOLKS, I LOVE SPACE. FUN FACT: IT'S WHERE MY PLANET IS. AND I ALSO LOVE TELLING YOU ALL ABOUT THE LATEST OFF-EARTH DEVELOPMENTS IN MY LONG-RUNNING SEGMENT: <i> ( ECHOING )</i> >> SPACE NEWS! <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i> >> Stephen: FIRST UP ON SPACE NEWS: BILLIONAIRES IN SPACE. LAST MONTH, THIS GAGGLE OF BILLIONAIRES PAID TO GO TO THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION. BUT, APPARENTLY, THE BILLIONAIRES WEREN'T EXPECTING TO WORK SO HARD ON THE I.S.S. OH, THESE CLOWNS. I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE BEEN THERE FOR THE MOMENT THAT DAWNED ON THEM. <i> ( AS BILLIONAIRE )</i> "YEAH, HI, I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED A NOISE-CANCELLING HELMET? WHAT'S THAT? WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? HOSE OUT THE POOP TUBE? THAT WAS NOT IN THE BROCHURE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NOW, KEEP IN MIND, WE ALREADY HAVE BILLIONAIRES WHO ARE SO BILLIONED UP THAT THEY OWN THEIR OWN SPACE PROGRAMS, WHILE THESE GUYS HAD TO PAY $55 MILLION FOR A SEAT ON A SHUTTLE. SO NOW IT'S OFFICIAL: WE NOW HAVE SPACE COACH CLASS. PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO THOUGHT, "I LOVE BEING IN A CROWDED CABIN WITH NO LEGROOM, BUT I WISH WHEN I BARFED IT WOULD FLOAT AROUND MY HEAD." SO WHAT WAS THE SPECIFIC SPACE WORK THE BILLIONAIRES HAD TO DO? IT WAS EXPERIMENTS ON HOLOPORTATION, HUMAN CELLS, AND HIGH-PRECISION OPTICAL LENSES. BUT BEING THAT IT WAS THEIR FIRST TIME IN SPACE, AND THAT THEY ARE NEITHER PROFESSIONAL ASTRONAUTS NOR RESEARCHERS, SOME OF THE EXPERIMENTS ENDED UP TAKING QUITE A LOT LONGER THAN ANTICIPATED. WELL, YEAH. QUALIFICATIONS COME IN HANDY. THAT'S WHY YOU NEVER GET IN THE DENTIST CHAIR AND HEAR, "HI, I'LL BE EXTRACTING ONE OF THOSE BIG CHOMPY ONES TODAY, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN TO TOOTH SCHOOL, OR WHATEVER. I PAID 20 GRAND TO PLAY WITH THE DRILL. NOW, LET ME STAB YOUR MOUTH WITH THIS DRUG DART." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NEXT UP, DOORWAY-ON-MARS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> YOU HEARD RIGHT. NASA'S CURIOSITY ROVER SPOTTED WHAT APPEARS TO BE A DOORWAY ON MARS, AND HERE'S WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: AMAZING! WAIT A SECOND. JIMMY, CAN WE ZOOM IN ON THAT? A VALPAK! THEY'RE RELENTLESS! NOW, THIS LOOKS VERY MYSTERIOUS AND EXCITING, BUT NASA WARNS THAT THOUGH IT LOOKS LIKE THE ENTRANCE TO AN ALIEN TOMB, MISSION SCIENTISTS SAY IT'S A NATURAL FEATURE. COME ON. DON'T JUST DISMISS IT OUT OF HAND. AREN'T YOU EVEN A LITTLE TOMB-CURIOUS? THIS MARS DOOR COULD BE THE FINAL RESTING PLACE OF THE CAREERS OF WHOEVER MADE JOHN CARTER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NEXT-- REALLY, REALLY, BIG FANS OF JOHN CARTER. REALLY? YOU ALL ARE IN THIS THEATER TONIGHT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> NEXT UP: <i> ( ECHO )</i> SPACE SEX! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> THE TERM "SPACE PROBE" IS ABOUT TO GET NEW MEANING, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS SAY WE REALLY HAVE TO TALK ABOUT BONING IN SPACE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> BECAUSE IN SPACE, EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU SCREAM... IF YOU'RE DOIN' IT RIGHT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, WE SHOULD BE EMBRACING SPACE SEXOLOGY AS A NEW DISCIPLINE OF STUDY, BECAUSE IF WE EVER WANT TO BECOME INTERPLANETARY, WE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO BOINK IN MICROGRAVITY, OR IF IT'S EVEN POSSIBLE. BECAUSE HAVING SEX IN MICROGRAVITY IS HARD-- ESPECIALLY FINDING THE ZERO-G SPOT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i> YOU GUYS ARE TAKING THE SPACE NEWS PRETTY HARD TONIGHT. NEXT UP: SPACE SHOPPING. A NEW COMPANY NAMED "INVERSION" IS BUILDING EARTH-ORBITING CAPSULES TO DELIVER GOODS ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD FROM OUTER SPACE, AND HERE'S A PROTOTYPE OF SAID CAPSULE. AMAZING! THAT'S THE KIND OF HIGHLY ADVANCED DELIVERY TECHNOLOGY USUALLY RESERVED FOR ROOM SERVICE CHICKEN FINGERS. AND THERE COULD BE A MEDICAL APPLICATIONS. THE COMPANY'S FOUNDERS IMAGINE THE CAPSULES COULD STORE ARTIFICIAL ORGANS THAT ARE DELIVERED TO AN OPERATING ROOM WHICH SOUNDS GREAT, UNTIL YOU LEARN THAT CAPSULE WOULD DEPLOY A PARACHUTE AND LAND WITHIN A RADIUS OF TENS OF MILES FROM ITS TARGET LOCATION. <i> ( AS NURSE )</i> "DOCTOR, HE'S FLATLINING." <i> ( AS DOCTOR )</i> "DON'T WORRY, NURSE, THE NEW HEART JUST TOUCHED DOWN WITHIN TENS OF MILES. HELP ME DRAG THIS GUY INTO AN UBER." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MICHAEL CHE. ♪ ♪ ♪<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
Info
Channel: The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Views: 651,861
Rating: undefined out of 5
Keywords: The Late Show, Late Show, Stephen Colbert, Steven Colbert, Colbert, celebrity, celeb, celebrities, late night, talk show, comedian, comedy, CBS, joke, jokes, funny, funny video, funny videos, humor, hollywood, famous
Id: 23X_7PRGSUg
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 6min 4sec (364 seconds)
Published: Thu May 26 2022
Related Videos
Note
Please note that this website is currently a work in progress! Lots of interesting data and statistics to come.