GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND RIGHT OVER THERE.
THERE YOU GO. GOOD TO SEE YOU.
NOW, FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN SIX MONTHS, WE HAVE THE FULL
"LATE SHOW" BAND BACK TOGETHER BECAUSE JOE AND ENDEA.
ENDEA, YOU WERE IN AUSTRALIA. AND THEN YOU GUYS WERE IN JAPAN.
HOW WAS JAPAN? >> INCREDIBLE.
>> THE FOOD IS AMAZING. THE PEOPLE ARE FANTASTIC.
THE TOILETS, LIFE-CHANGING. >> Stephen: THE WIND AND THE
HEAT UNDER THINGS. YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING TO THE
BATHROOM BUT THEN YOU ARE IN A COMMON-LAW MARRIAGE WITH THE
TOILET. >> THEY PLAY MUSIC.
>> Stephen: WONDERFUL TO HAVE YOU ALL BACK.
AND SEE YOU FOR MANY YEARS TO COME.
THANK YOU. WE'VE GOT COMING UP.
JUST A MINUTE, WE'VE GOT THE LOVELY, THE TALENTED, NOW AN
AUTHOR, KERRY WASHINGTON IS GOING TO BE HERE IN A MOMENT.
AND I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS GUY, ENJOY SEEING HIM IN
THE CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS COME YOUNGEST MEMBER OF CONGRESS,
ELECTED AT 26 YEARS OLD FROM FLORIDA THE TENTH DISTRICT,
REPRESENTATIVE MAXWELL FROST WILL BE OUT HERE.
26. 26.
MEMBER OF CONGRESS. WHAT'S HOLDING YOU ALL BACK?
COME ON. ACHIEVE SOMETHING!
FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, MINING THE
NEWS MOUNTAIN FOR THE FINEST GREEN STORY BASALT, CHISELING IT
INTO THE MOST TOPICAL BASIN ADORNED WITH RINGED HANDLES
AND IVY BAS-RELIEF TO CREATE FOR YOU THE EXQUISITE HADRIANIC
PERIOD PEDESTAL TUB THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I AM JACK-SLAPPED AWAKE BY THE GHOST THAT HAUNTS
THE ABANDONED HOSPITAL I PASSED OUT IN WHERE I GRAB
A DISUSED 50 GALLON GARBAGE BIN, FILL IT WITH DISCARDED SOLVENTS
AND ROOF DRAIN RUNOFF, THEN SLOWLY SUBMERGE MYSELF
IN THE UNLICENSED SLOP SINK OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> MEANWHILE! [CHEERING]
>> Stephen: NATURES BROOM. MEANWHILE.
MEANWHILE, IN RHODE ISLAND, "A MAN HAS BEEN
CHARGED AFTER SHOOTING AND INJURING ABOUT 80 HAWKS"
IN "VIOLATION OF THE U.S. MIGRATORY BIRD TREATY ACT,"
BUT HE DID IT "BECAUSE THE HAWKS THREATENED SQUIRRELS THAT
VISITED SQUIRREL FEEDERS ON HIS PROPERTY."
IN A PUBLIC STATEMENT, THE MAN'S LEGAL TEAM SAID, "OUR CLIENT
PROVIDES AN ESSENTIAL PUBLIC SERVICE AND IS INNOCENT
OF ALL CHARGES AND PLEASE GIVE US PEANUT BUTTER."
MEANWHILE, "THE BOSTON ACCENT WAS JUST VOTED THE MOST ANNOYING
IN AMERICA." [APPLAUSE]
I CAN THINK OF AN ACCENT MORE ANNOYING:
MY ATTEMPT AT A BOSTON ACCENT. "YA HEAH THAT, NEW YAWK?!
WEAH NUMBAH ONE! YANKEES SUCK!
STICK THAT IN YA DUNKIN AND SUCK AWN IT!"
ABSOLUTELY ANNOYING. MEANWHILE.
I'M GOOD. I'VE BEEN CALLED THE
MERYL STREEP OF LATE-NIGHT MEANWHILE, FOOD EXPERTS WARN
THAT "DONUTS WILL EITHER GO STALE OR SOGGY IF KEPT
IN THE REFRIGERATOR." THEIR FINDINGS WERE PUBLISHED IN
THE "NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF WHO THE [BLEEP] HAS
LEFTOVER DONUTS?!" WHO REFRIGERATES DONUTS?
MEANWHILE, "BAY AREA RESTAURANTS ARE INSTITUTING PENALTIES
FOR BRUNCH VOMITERS." WELL, OF COURSE PEOPLE ARE
VOMITING AT BRUNCH! IT'S TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT
MEALS FIGHTING FOR SUPREMACY IN YOUR BELLY.
YOU'RE DOING THE WAFFLE BAR, THEN THE ROAST BEEF STATION,
THEN BACK TO THE EGGS BENNY, THEN ROOM TEMPERATURE SHRIMP --
NOW TWO MIMOSAS ARE IN A KNIFE FIGHT WITH HALF
A BLOODY MARY. APPARENTLY, PEOPLE ARE GETTING
HAMMERED AT BRUNCH AND THROWING UP SO OFTEN
SOME SAN FRANCISCO RESTAURANTS WILL NOW CHARGE PEOPLE
$50 CLEANING FEES. OR, AS MANY CUSTOMERS
ARE SAYING, "WOW! THE DRINK-TIL-YOU-PUKE SPECIAL
IS ONLY FIFTY BUCKS!" THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S GOOD. CAN'T BELIEVE THE STORY DOES NOT
INCLUDE HANGOVER ANYWHERE IN THE STORY.
MEANWHILE, AT A RETIREMENT COMMUNITY IN FLORIDA,
"A 77-YEAR-OLD MAN WAS ARRESTED AFTER HE WAS FOUND WITH $1,800
WORTH OF ILLEGAL ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION PILLS."
AUTHORITIES SAY HE WILL DO HARD TIME.
[LAUGHTER] MEANWHILE, TO PROTEST
UNREASONABLE WORK CONDITIONS, "WALGREENS PHARMACY STAFF HAVE
WALKED OUT," WHICH "COULD IMPACT HUNDREDS OF STORES."
ORGANIZERS SAY THE WALKOUTS ARE TIMED FOR WHENEVER
YOU'RE TRYING TO PICK UP YOUR PRESCRIPTION.
MEANWHILE, COWPOKES AND BUCKAROOS WHO WANT TO RIDE
THE RANGE IN COMFORT WILL BE EXCITED TO LEARN OF THE NEW
CLASSIC COWBOY BOOTS FROM CROCS. CROCS HAS GONE FULL-ON WESTERN
MOVIE, EVEN ADDING A PAIR OF DECORATIVE SPURS YOU CAN USE
ON YOUR HORSE TO MAKE IT TO STOP LAUGHING AT YOU.
PLUS IT'S GOT THE CLASSIC CROCS HOLES IN THEM FOR EVERYONE
WHO'S SAID "I LOVE MY COWBOY BOOTS, BUT I WISH IT WAS
EASIER FOR SNAKES TO GET IN." [LAUGHTER]
THERE IS A SNAKE IN MY BOOT! YOU'VE GOT TO SAY IT.
[APPLAUSE] THERE'S A SNAKE IN MY BOOT!
MEANWHILE, BACKSTAGE AT A CONCERT RECENTLY, "SNOOP DOGG
GOT ED SHEERAN SO HIGH HE COULDN'T SEE."
ACCORDING TO SHEERAN, THE SMOKING STARTED AS
A COMPETITION BETWEEN SNOOP DOG AND ACTOR RUSSELL CROWE,
WHO WERE GOING "BLUNT FOR BLUNT FOR BLUNT FOR BLUNT,
AND SHEERAN DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM RUDE."
NOT SMART, ED. WHEN THESE TWO GET TH MUNCHIES,
WHO IN THAT ROOM DO YOU THINK STARTS TO LOOK MOST LIKE
A GINGERBREAD COOKIE? [APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KERRY WASHINGTON!
♪ ♪
