>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY. GIVE IT UP FOR LOUIS CATO AND
"THE LATE SHOW" BAND. FOLKS, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME
IN THE NEWS WORKSHOP, SOURCING THE DAY'S FINEST STORY
TWEED, WHICH I ADORN WITH THE MOST TOPICAL
VINTAGE-INSPIRED BRAIDED TRIM, THEN I FILL WITH 90% WHITE
GOOSE DOWN CLUSTER TO CREATE FOR YOU THE MODERN YET TIMELESS
MONCLER LIGHT BEIGE AGROBATE DOWN COAT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, JUST SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I STRAP ON THE SHREDDED AWNING I RIPPED OFF AN ABANDONED
WINNEBAGO USING SOME OLD BOOTLACES I STOLE FROM
A SLEEPING HOBO, THEN SHRIEK AT THE NIGHT WEARING THE
TATTERED BANSHEE-RAG OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT...
>> "MEANWHILE"! [APPLAUSE]
>> Stephen: STAY. RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT THERE, THAT SOOTHING SUE IS THE SOUL MY FRIEND.
MEANWHILE, OUR NATIONAL TRUST IN CHICKEN INSTITUTIONS
HAS TAKEN YET ANOTHER MAJOR HIT BECAUSE CHICK-FIL-A IS DITCHING
ITS "NO ANTIBIOTICS EVER" PROMISE.
WHAT? YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE FAST FOOD
WHAT'S NEXT? ARBY'S ANNOUNCING "WE SEEM
TO HAVE LOST THE MEATS." ACCORDING TO THEIR ANNOUNCEMENT,
IT'S JUST A TINY CHANGE FROM "NO ANTIBIOTICS EVER"
TO "NO ANTIBIOTICS IMPORTANT TO HUMANS."
UM, NO OFFENSE, CHICK-FIL-A I DON'T TRUST
A RESTAURANT DECIDING WHICH ANTIBIOTICS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.
YOU'D NEVER HEAR A DOCTOR SAY, "YOU HAVE A PRETTY SERIOUS
INFECTION. BUT I'D LIKE TO GET A SECOND
OPINION FROM KYLE, THE ASSISTANT MANAGER AT RED
LOBSTER." KYLE SAYS YOU HAVE UNLIMITED
SHRIMP. CHICK-FIL-A SAYS THEY'RE BEING
FORCED TO LOOSEN THEIR STANDARDS BECAUSE OF A DIMINISHING
CHICKEN SUPPLY. IT MAKES SENSE.
ANY ECONOMIST WILL TELL YOU THAT'S JUST THE LAW OF SUPPLY
AND DELICIOUS. AS DELICIOUSNESS INCREASES,
SUPPLY GOES DOWN INTO MY BELLY. [LAUGHTER]
I WILL ADMIT, I WILL AGREE WITH SOME OF YOU THAT THAT GRAPHIC
WAS MORE DISTURBING THAN FUNNY. MY GRAPHICS TEAM WORKED A LONG
TIME ON IT AND I DON'T WANT TO LET THOSE GUYS DOWN.
THEY'RE LIKE CHILDREN. SO I SAID LET IT RIDE.
I SEE NO... [LAUGHTER]
THAT DECISION WAS MISGUIDED. I APOLOGIZE.
MEANWHILE, IN SPORT, "THE NFL HAS APPROVED A NEW
HYBRID KICKOFF FOR NEXT SEASON." UNDER THE NEW RULE, THE KICKER
WILL LINE UP ON HIS 35-YARD LINE WITH THE OTHER 10 PLAYERS
ON THE KICKING TEAM AT THE RECEIVING TEAM'S 40, WHERE THE
POINT GUARD HAS 30 SECONDS TO THROW THE PUCK AND YELL "UNO"
AND I'M JUST MAKING THIS [BLEEP] UP
BECAUSE I DO NOT CARE. MEANWHILE, IN ORDER TO COUNTER
THE ISSUE OF ACCUMULATING WASTE, "MOUNT EVEREST CLIMBERS WILL NOW
HAVE TO TAKE THEIR POOP AWAY WITH THEM."
SO LET ME JUST... TAKE EVERST OFF THE BUCKET
LIST. 'CAUSE I DO NOT...
I DO NOT WANT TO CARRY A FULL BUCKET OFF OF EVEREST.
MEANWHILE, IN OWL NEWS, IT TURNS OUT THAT FLACO, THE CENTRAL PARK
OWL WHO CAPTIVATED NEW YORK AFTER ESCAPING THE ZOO
AND ROAMING THE CITY FOR MONTHS, HAD PIGEON HERPES AND FOUR KINDS
OF RAT POISON IN HIS SYSTEM WHEN HE TRAGICALLY DIED.
WELL, AT LEAST WE CAN TAKE COMFORT KNOWING HE DIED
DOING WHAT HE LOVED: EATING POISON
AND BANGING GUTTER DOVES. [APPLAUSE]
HOLD THAT TOGETHER, YOU KNOW. HOLD THE MOTIONS IN.
MEANWHILE, IF YOU LIKE TO EAT HEALTHY, TOO BAD.
'CAUSE "KRISPY KREME DOUGHNUTS ARE COMING TO McDONALD'S
LOCATIONS NATIONWIDE BY THE END OF 2026."
'CAUSE WHO AMONG US HASN'T POLISHED OFF A DOUBLE QUARTER
POUNDER WITH CHEESE AND THEN THOUGHT, "NOW HOW DO I REWARD
MYSELF?" THAT LOOKS GOOD, I GOTTA SAY.
KRISPY K'S WILL HIT MICKEY D'S "USING A PHASED ROLLOUT."
WHICH IS APPROPRIATE, 'CAUSE AFTER BURGERS AND KRISPY KREMES
A "PHASED ROLLOUT" IS THE ONLY WAY YOU'RE LEAVING THAT
RESTAURANT. MEANWHILE, ACCORDING TO
A RESEARCHER, OUR HOMES ARE "TOO CLEAN" AND SHOULD BE SEEDED
WITH GERMS, BECAUSE MODERN CLEANING PRODUCTS ARE SO
EFFECTIVE, THEY LEAVE CHILDREN BEREFT OF EXPOSURE TO BACTERIA
AND OTHER GERMS THAT ARE IMPORTANT IN THE DEVELOPMENT OF
A HEALTHY IMMUNE SYSTEM. SETTING UP COUNTLESS HUSBANDS
WITH A GREAT EXCUSE. "HONEY, I'D LOVE TO WIPE DOWN
THE COUNTER AFTER I CUT RAW CHICKEN AND WASH MY HANDS
AFTER I GO TO THE BATHROOM BUT...
I'M DOING THIS FOR TYLER." MEANWHILE, WE'RE ALL FAMILIAR
WITH DNA TESTING KITS. BUT YOU MAY NOT KNOW THAT
YOU CAN GET THEM FOR YOUR PETS WHEN YOU RUN OUT OF THINGS
TO BUY. BUT THERE'S A NEW INVESTIGATION
INTO PET DNA TESTING BY OUR OWN CBS AFFILIATE WBZ BOSTON,
NEW ENGLAND'S NEWS LEADER, WHO ASKED "HOW ACCURATE
ARE PET DNA TESTS? WE SENT ONE LAB A SWAB
FROM A HUMAN." "REPORTER CHRISTINA HAGER
SWABBED HER OWN CHEEK. THE COMPANY REPORTED BACK
THAT HAGER WAS 40% ALASKAN MALAMUTE, 35% SHAR-PEI,
AND 25% LABRADOR." WHICH IS SHOCKING,
UNTIL YOU SEE CHRISTINA HAGER. HI, CHRISTINA.
MEANWHILE, EVERYONE IS OKAY, BUT A "MAN'S APPETITE FOR SOFT BACON
LED TO BRAIN PARASITES" AFTER EATING BACON GAVE HIM
"A PARASITIC PORK TAPEWORM THAT TOOK UP RESIDENCE
IN HIS BRAIN." WORTH IT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH LIAM NEESON!
