Matt Walsh Ranks The Five Worst Superheroes

it's no secret that i am not uh a big fan of superheroes it's been nearly 24 years since i was 12 and so it has been nearly 24 years since i was a fan of superheroes but still the question remains of all the superheroes which five are the worst and i may not seem like the most qualified person to answer that question i think i'm the most qualified actually i can be entirely objective about this and with that in mind i thought today we would do something very important and review and rank the five worst superheroes we'll go down the list from five to one we'll start here number five wonder woman [Music] okay people actually watch this people watch that on purpose grown adult men with kids who go to the theater to watch that you know when i brought that up before i i've been told well gal gadot is really hot she's attractive well of course i want to watch it get a girlfriend dude like get married get a wife you're going to sit and watch a two and a half hour terrible movie because she's attractive there's like there's lots of attributes to attractively go to the grocery store to see attractive woman are you gonna sit and watch this terrible move for that reason okay first of all who the hell dresses like that for trench warfare that's what i'm trying to understand so that oh there's a war well hang on let me put my leather leotard on and she's not impervious to bullets right she's not so just like her little bracelets are imperviousable so so she's got 20 german guys firing at her and none of the bullets hit any part of her body except for a couple that she can deflect in order to block a bullet she'd have to move her arm so quick that we don't even see it move and yet she just kind of casually there's a bullet are they actually in real life firing slow-motion bullets at wonder woman is that what's happening here i've never seen anyone move that fast the other guys they get out and they start charging towards the german guys and but then explicitly the german guys also get out of they it's like braveheart they you know that's not how trench warfare works if you've got people charging at you you stay in your trench and you just shoot them all you mow them all down they decide to get out and then when that happens wonder woman like jumps in the air you know 50 feet and lands in the trench well then why didn't you do that to begin with if you had that ability she starts just kind of casually walking into the middle of the fire fight and then realizes oh i can do a super jump and just end up there this is all to be expected for one of the lamest corniest superheroes to ever be invented even the name wonder woman can you imagine in real life if somebody had superpowers and then decided they wanted to fight crime and they made that outfit for themselves and you asked them what name they chose and she said oh i thought i'd go with wonder woman can we workshop that one a little bit what are wonder woman's powers anyway she has uh magical bracelets i guess she has i think she has a wig right and um i think she's a van like the mystery van where's that scooby doo no she has the jet she has an invisible jet i'm actually in the lavatory of the invisible plane which will be utterly useless against modern radar technology by the way so lame corny useless wonder woman number five let's go to number four black widow [Music] now she should really be higher on the list i think but there are just too many lame superheroes to go around so decisions have to be made black widow from what i understand has no superpowers so she's just like she's just a she's a chick right she's just a woman what is a woman she's scarlett johansson is is black widow and scarlett johansson is five foot three inches tall and like 90 pounds and we're supposed to believe that this skinny little female with no special magical powers is going around beating the hell out of dudes three times their size all these goons are standard none of them are armed they won't just pull out a gun and just shoot her in the head end of storyline and i get this is fiction but you might as well have a character who is a baby have stewie griffin show up and just make him one of your avengers oh i feel as invincible as superman i can't take it seriously you know in the past public schools were simply neglecting foundational subjects like math english science and history many looked the other way now we see that woke teachers are proudly bragging on social media about pushing radical sometimes sexually charged propaganda on kids as young as five or even younger than that there are even reports of teachers secretly hosting drag shows for students without the consent of parents all with the blessing of unions and some members of congress if you want a real education for your child then you need freedom project academy they've perfected live online learning for more than a decade freedom project academy is built on judeo-christian values and classical curriculum they're dedicated to providing mastery of subject matter not leftist propaganda go to freedomforschool.com that's freedomforschool.com to request your free information packet today think about this what is a college degree worth if the average public school graduate can only read and write at a 7th grade level that's how bad it is so go to freedomforschool.com that's freedomforschool.com and get your child enrolled at freedom project academy today before spots fill up that's freedomforschool.comfreedomforschool.com so black widow is uh number four now we'll go to number three with she-hulk i just want to be a normal anonymous lawyer can you tell us where she-hulk is jen you're a story now girl your ass looks crazy right now [Music] you could be an avenger oh i'm not a superhero that is for billionaires and narcissists and adult orphans for some reason [Music] is there anything more depressing than dating in your 30s yeah this is the best date i've had in a while oh should we split some fries let's get those to go okay now as far as the film itself and i know i'm kind of conflating like i'm ranking the films and also the characters i'm complaining to but whatever we're just gonna go with it the cgi is on the level of the 1970s hulk it's about on that level we've come full circle actually and this is just a woman in green makeup this looks like if a high school put on a stage production of shrek that's kind of what it would look like there and the hulk though as a character is dumb enough he's the superhero that any eight-year-old could make up and pretty much every eight-year-old has made up the hulk independently before discovering that the hulk exists he's really strong and uh like really really strong anything else about him uh he's green he's a strong green guy every movie with the hulk that's the question that they're asking you to contemplate what if there was a strong green guy who existed and you just watch and you see okay this is what would happen so that's dumb enough but then you take him and give him a sex change and it's even worse you have a female hulk what are we gonna call her um she-hulk let's call her not very progressive i mean in this day and age in the year 2022 you're gonna put pronouns in front of a hulk and you're just going with she what about a non-binary hole can we get a they hulk yet another problem uh what do we all know number two is some superhero called captain marvel [Music] surprised is [Music] you knew all along is that why we never hung out no i just never liked you [Applause] i feel concussed i feel brain damaged watching this you know you really it's one of those things you do get dumber did anybody watch this maybe no one watched this one i don't know i hope nobody did they really played i'm just a girl during that scene they really did that did we did we put that in or is that in the movie itself oh it's in the movie they put that in the movie they might as well have her shout girl power while she's like she does a she does a drop kick and check girl power and what are captain marvel's powers exactly besides girl power she has super strength super speed super agility and super durability she also has healing powers and she can fly at the speed of sound and she can shoot magical laser light beams out of her hands they just decided she can do everything which is just as lazy as giving her no powers and just as boring as stanley in fact it's if anything more boring one of my fundamental problems with these superhero films is that there's no tension at all these are people who are indestructible they can do anything even if something bad somehow does happen now with the marvel movies we're introducing other universes so there's multiple so we just you know you could kill somebody off and just replace them there's an infinite number of of spider-man just replace what's the point of any of this there's no tension here there's no suspense at all zero anyway what we're talking about oh captain marvel uh not to mention the distribution of powers among all these heroes and villains is so uneven that it just it doesn't make any sense when they all fight each other so you've got like a superhero with super strength who can fly faster than a sound wave and incinerate you with light beams out of her eyes or whatever and she's somehow drawn into a stalemate against some other character who learned karate in fifth grade one minute someone has is a god and has all the powers in the world next minute if the scene requires him to just be sort of a normal dude then that's what he is doesn't make any sense and i'm trying not to hold brie larson against captain marvel brie larson is insufferable but that's not the character's fault is that like a personal attack or something my problem with the character is that she's boring pointless and lazy finally this has gone on way longer than it should or i ever thought it would we'll go to number one and that is uh batwoman [Music] [Music] uh so this is on the cw i think so at least at least in this case nobody is watching it so i can at least say that so that's that's the good thing so that's bat woman i think and batwoman is a lesbian no big surprise there what is a lesbian the problem with batwoman is very similar to the black widow problem because she has no superpowers no special abilities and yet i'm supposed to take her seriously as this physically imposing presence somebody who beats up bad guys and that doesn't work because there just there has to be a certain intimidation factor for the character to work and no one you're looking at this chick nobody's intimidated and this is worse for batwoman because you have batman to compare her to and every time batwoman is on screen you're just thinking how much better it would be if it was batman and there's certainly never a time when as a victim you'd prefer to have bat woman come save you you know i'd rather have robin robin they said you there's another member of the lgbt community but you'd rather have him show up what she lacks in uh uh in physical ability i guess she makes up for in wokeness so she is in fact the worst superhero and the fact that all five of the worst ones are women it's not my fault okay i didn't plan it that way it's just i didn't i didn't i didn't make this list i simply observed it it was written in the stars and i it's an objective reality don't blame me blame the people who came up with this absolute nonsense well those were a bunch of lame superheroes but if you don't want to be lame and useless yourself like all these female superheroes then make sure you hit that like button hulk smash that notification bell annihilate that subscribe button and be a true superhero [Music]

Channel: Matt Walsh

Views: 450,710

Keywords: Matt Walsh, Andrew Klavan, Michael Knowles, Ben Shapiro, Daily Wire, Conservative, Media, Marvel, Disney, DC, Super heroes, Wonder Woman, Gal Gadot, Black Widow, Scarlett Johansson, She Hulk, Captain Marvel, Brie Larsen, Batwoman

Id: ewO5R4Uegf4

Length: 12min 50sec (770 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 07 2022