Matt Rife Stand Up - Comedy Shorts Compilation #38

where you ladies going he's going to the bathroom right now say what's up to Big Ben for me [Applause] ah drama [Applause] allegedly yeah [Laughter] [Music] why is it wet was it in your lap [Applause] it's weed [Applause] I'm just gonna just I'm just gonna dispose of this gotcha go ahead good luck good luck [Music] oh [ __ ] look it's the ghost of Antonio Brown foreign [Applause] thank you very much who brought that up here it was not you [ __ ] like the only gift you give there's no cure for [Laughter] ever for your birthday you made me cookies thank you so much oh you can give me some cake too if we're talking pastries you know how uh how old are you turning [Music] old enough not to get cracked we'll sing [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] all right let's talk to somebody who spent Valentine's Day alone [Applause] Virgo men are the worst you know what's funny about this before I even before I even defend myself I don't even care I don't even believe in this [ __ ] but I can't let it slide okay Virgo men and Aquarius men you're Aquarius Oh I thought you were annoying I'm sorry so sorry I thought that's my bad why do you think Virgo men are the worst though you don't [ __ ] with them look I would [ __ ] you I just I haven't washed my hands since cutting a dog I just I don't want to do that to you [Laughter] smells like an Aquarius what's that not you though that all the other aquariuses yeah yeah The Quiet Ones yeah what's your name Amelia man I wish you would disappear like Earhart [Applause] are you in school flight school what are you in school for business business yeah yeah like minding your own what do you want to do with a business degree you don't know you don't know what you want to do when you grow up you know no ideas you just want to be rich look it's do nursing you will be rich for sure I don't know if you're Filipino enough to make it right you're what Hungarian well my parents are your parents are from Hungary and their daughters from thirsty [Applause] oh has anybody ever seen a ghost have you really wait hold on before you get into this does anybody have any weed wait do you really what do you have a whole joint what does she have you have a dab pen am I allowed to have this can I have why does it look like a pregnancy test tastes like urine laughs it's called ghosts what what if this isn't a sign I don't know what is oh my God does that mean your kid's not gonna make it [Music] I have a friend who around places where things happen things happen she'll like feel weird like on our uh college campus there's this tree oh my God she walked by the tree and she just felt like she was choking and they like looked it up later and that's like the tree where a bunch of winchings would happen and like all through her childhood like like certain places I'd give her like headaches or like bad feelings and like uh they would look it up and it's like oh that's the bridge and we're like everyone commit to Suicide over and over and over and to make her physically feel ill so do you think like if if she entered a room where two people just got done just [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of the shower she would be like I'm choking again I'm like no they used to shoot porn in this comforting note she says Cemetery she's like cemeteries are calm cemeteries do you have anything you want in your tombstone you never think about this like that's like the thing do people see your name your year what was it QR code you are that's what your own soul but them titties can come back God damn about to give me a resurrection a res erection come on man y'all gotta hit this ghost [ __ ] this is uh oh yes do match here's a matching snake skin boobs it's both snakeskin python [ __ ] yeah not none of those gardener snake [ __ ] are coupled up obviously matching nice how long five years five years what'd you meet in North Carolina in North Carolina that's specific where you met at a bar yeah underage and drunk she stopped talking stop talking under 21. okay [Music] you almost ruined the show the approached you you approached him I don't you don't remember also not a good sign ah what do you guys do basket Weaver basket Weaver what the [ __ ] you married to a [ __ ] hunter-gatherer what the [ __ ] you work Easter Bunny dog that's actually how he got her at the bar he just lay down a trail of eggs it was like picnic baskets up on a stick like this and then she went underneath it he went ah it's like a [ __ ] Looney Tune thank you how long you been doing that for five years five five years did she take your [ __ ] manhood dog what did you do beforehand we're gonna seal Mill oh my God are you serious and made you started um sorry do you like it yeah come on man it's just us you enjoy the job it's fine what would you like to do if you could do anything in the entire world any job why helicopters fly a helicopter interesting man I used to love helicopters but I'm also a Lakers fan [Applause] and you know what [ __ ] up he's wearing a black mamba on his feet could I see one of the boots are you able to take a look at them all it's the real deal man right here smell is boo what the [ __ ] wrong with you Jesus Christ but as We Know there's a reason you put up with crazy [ __ ] in a relationship right yeah I can't see you but I want to believe that was God [Applause] you're 52 who are you here with man oh [ __ ] 17 years what's your name man Troy great to meet you Troy why why are you telling me that that seemed like a setup didn't it what's up I'm Troy I've been married 17 years had a 16 year old daughter don't mind the math on that definitely got marriage set of force but she's fine as [ __ ] ready to mingle why do you like like piss your family like it's the beginning of an episode of next on MTV remember that [ __ ] what's up I'm Troy I'm 52 I love [ __ ] I love y'all married cause she got pregnant what would you say is the key to keeping things fresh and exciting after 17 years though I know she means like personal space but I want to believe like they only jerk off to like videos of the Milky Way you know what I mean like they just [ __ ] to like audio books by Neil deGrasse Tyson but now you gotta [ __ ] you ever [ __ ] the space I don't want to hear about your wife's black holes [Applause] what's that it's for you it's the Build-A-Bear that's for me what is it it's a bear you got me a Build-A-Bear ing it it has a voice message from your show where you said if someone got you a Build-A-Bear oh my God so I did I did a tick tock one time where the girl in the audience was saying it was a red flag that a guy brought her a Build-A-Bear on a first date and I had said in the video I was like I would love if somebody brought me a builder board so you brought me one I got to do more jokes about getting my dick sucked [Applause] oh man what am I doing with all this cute [ __ ] oh God thanks I guess this is so sweet thank you oh your numbers are on here it might still happening am I still happy we can use them for cleanup can I take him out of here yeah this is so cute oh he didn't really he didn't spring to get him any clothes that's kind of a whole he didn't really Build The Bear looks like you stole one guy either there's a voicemail one president Paul what if I press it it's just like I want you [Laughter] that sucks I can't lie that's um that's uh it's not incredibly audible but it's a thought that counts thank you so much this is this is one of the sweetest laziest gifts anymore thank you oh back and there you go there we go this is my security in case any of you on your Will Smith [ __ ] right now like getting offended running up on stage keep my wife's name out your [ __ ] hands [Laughter] because yeah never mind whatever that's such a cool skill man it looks like you solve an imaginary Rubik's Cube killing [ __ ] is uh anybody gay [Laughter] [Applause] anybody at all anybody anybody in the vicinity I know you're good with your hands I know it this man will jerk you off with a poem [Laughter] [Applause] [Laughter] it was so sweet I've just never been in this position before [Laughter] oh the sacrifice [Laughter] did my interpreter just get gentrified who um who are you signing for I don't even know is not you [ __ ] you've been hearing the whole show you make us wish we were all down you don't sound deaf at all this just seems so extra what was your name Nicole great to meet you Nicole how did you um how did you hear about the um nice to meet you guys this is so exciting thanks for coming I just wanted to know sounds like you don't need to be here to be honest so everybody be nice especially you feisty I like your energy a lot I'll come back there and take your [ __ ] batteries out I swear to God I'll turn you off all right y'all gotta chill the [ __ ] out man if I have her sign something will you relay it verbally all right [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] you didn't know this was Def Comedy Jam did you you didn't know and what offering you're literally scraping food onto a plate while you're talking to me about sex you're enjoying yourself have you ever tried it quietly [Music] what's that oh oh my inability to please others oh no I could definitely make you come for sure what are you here with by yourself no you couldn't even get somebody to come with you [Music] [Applause] I'm a nice person okay you guys see I didn't start that [Music] it does finish it I comedically like gave you a facial

Channel: Winter Vibes

Views: 67,506

Keywords: matt rife, comedy, funny, netflix, stand up, standup, only fans, comedy show, matt rife stand up, matt rife laugh factory, comedian, crowd work, matt rife comedy, standup comedy, roast, dave chappelle, bring the funny, comedy special, reaction, reaction video, comedy central, hbo, netflix is a joke, hilarious, jokes, standupcomedy, wildnout, best comedy, funnyaf, lmao, zendaya, how to, nick cannon, mrlboyd, laughs, laugh, prank

Id: 2DIma1coQko

Length: 18min 18sec (1098 seconds)

Published: Wed Jun 28 2023