- But the real reason why
I love military men, y'all. Well, I like a little PTS with my D! Thanks so much, guys, you all
have been an awesome crowd. What I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna go in the back and I've gotta bring
Brian up, alright? - [Audience Member] Slayer! - [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen. You know why you're here. Put your hands together
for Brian Posehn! ♪ Saturday night comedy show ♪ Haven't done
one in six years ♪ ♪ We'll see how this goes
- Hey! ♪ It ain't rocket surgery ♪ It's not brain science ♪ It's a comedy show,
here comes Brian ♪ ♪ That's me, comedy - That's me. It's comedy time! Holy shit, what's
up, Beat Kitchen? So happy to be here. It's my favorite club,
one of my favorite cities, I missed you guys,
it's been a while. I had a show booked to be here and then some shit happened. Two years later,
I'm fucking here. So at first I didn't
know what the fuck to do. So I would just do five shows for my family every weekend. Gotta warm up on
that Thursday show. See how the crowd is. And then Friday,
Saturday I kick some ass. I'd have my dog sit up front, my wife and my son
are in the back, strict no heckling policy. Every time I talk
about my penis, my son would go, inappropriate! And I'd throw him
in the fucking pool. 'Cause that's our heckler
policy at Club Posehn. Last time my son saw my penis, which is only the
third weirdest segue you will hear tonight. I've worked it out,
that's third weirdest. Wait 'til you get
to second and first. He saw my penis
when he was seven, he's 12 now, last time he
saw my wang he was seven. You know 'cause
when they're young and we were first time parents, we just let him go
round, he's still nude. He's 12 now and he's
got like man dong and he's running around. I started hiding
mine around seven just 'cause it felt weird. And then this happened. One morning I climbed
out of the shower and my son called my
penis The Atrocity. Look mom, The Atrocity! And I was like, holy shit! How does a seven-year-old have the word atrocity
in his vocabulary? That's pretty cool. And proper usage. That private school we're
paying for is doing their job. And a third thing,
fuck you, dude! I thought we were friends! Don't make fun of where
you came from, man. Respect for daddy's junk,
that's all I'm talking about. What in the fuck? I'm no longer political. Yeah, last time I was here it
was probably pretty political 'cause I didn't like the dude. And then a dude I like won. So now I'm not really political. I used to, the dude before. But going back before
him, I liked the dude, he was there for eight
years and he was awesome. Like, he made me feel good
about the future and stuff. Like, I knew he could handle it. I didn't even watch the news
when Obama was president. Stopped watching
"The Daily Show", I was like, this guy's
got everything in control. I'm just gonna autopilot it
through these eight years. And then the next guy. - No!
- Oh my God. - Biff from fucking
"Back to the Future 2". As a nerd, I should have seen
that shit coming, you guys. I should've been warning
people in the streets in 2015 like, don't let Biff
get the almanac, man! I've seen what happens! He's gonna live in a tower
and fuck all our moms. That's what happened
in the second movie. Big plot point. A lot of tower mom
fucking in that movie. Goddammit. I'd rather be in
the Western one. That's way more fun. And then now the new guy
and everything's cool and I feel weird. I feel like we didn't
get to celebrate. You know, the guys that won, the guys that lost celebrated. They had the crazy
kegger on January 6th. That shit got outta hand, man. I've been to a lot of
keggers that got outta hand, that one got really outta hand. Fucking Kid Rock was playing
then things went nuts. Was he there? I don't know. I feel like we didn't
get to celebrate, the winners didn't
get to celebrate. And I live with a family that, so my wife was born Republican. Pretty much 'cause that's
where she came from and now she's right
down the middle. And her brother-in-law though, we really don't get along, so I was worried about all that. Now he's gone nuts. He's one of the Q
guys now, you know. The one thing I'll say
about the QAnon people, I kind of like them. For this reason. Them and the all lives matter
people, and the MAGA dipshits, you know what I love about them? That they're super merched up. You can pick them
out of a crowd, man. You know when you're
seeing one of them. It's like Insane
Clown Posse fans, man. They wear bullshit
representing the bullshit that they believe in. So you can tell a douchebag
from a long ways away now. Like the Q hat, the Q
shirt, the Q beer cozy. For me, it's become
the new Ed Hardy. I just pick a dude
out of a crowd and go, we'll never
be friends, homie. We've got nothing in
common, my friend. We shouldn't even meet. And I'll get off the politics 'cause obviously you know me, I'm a nerd, I'm the metalhead, those are the things I
care about, you know? So for me, the last
six years are weird because Metallica's good again. And I kind of wanna have sex
with Peter Parker's aunt. Like, those are the big
issues that concern me. I never found that woman
attractive my whole life. Aunt May, to be honest, I kind of fucking
hated her as a kid 'cause she would ruin every
comic book she stepped into. And John Romita drew her like
a fucking ghost face lady. And it's like, oh man. And then he'd be hanging
out and doing his job and she'd come into the
room with her skeleton head and just be like, Peter Parker, don't go out in the city, that's where the
menacing Spider-Man is. And I'm like, what a
fucking dumb dildo! Spider-Man lives in
the house with her. And now I watch those
last several movies and my wiener's like,
what's happening? I don't know, wiener, I think as you get
old, things change. And now we kind of wanna
fuck Aunt May, it's weird. Don't get me started
on Superman's mom. Diane Lane plays Ma Kent now, my wiener's like,
what's happening? I'm like, I know! We're gonna whack it to
Ma Kent, just you watch. So, during COVID I didn't know, no one knew how long it
was gonna last, you know? And so at the beginning my wife actually took advantage
of the time at home. She did some cool stuff. She started playing
tennis again. She was a ranked
amateur as a kid. And then she came to LA
and I put a baby in her. But she started playing
again and she's good, she's ranked again. And I'm sitting at home going, I should do something. I should take
advantage of this time. So I was like, I'm
gonna learn German and I'm gonna pick
up my acoustic guitar and play my acoustic
guitar more. And I told my acoustic
guitar, I was like, dude, I'm gonna learn
"Jane Says" on you, that song by Jane's Addiction. Seems easy enough. I'm gonna learn that song. And my acoustic guitar
was like, no you aren't. He knows me better
than I know myself. He was right, I
didn't learn anything. I can still barely make it
through "Smoke on the Water". And then I was like,
I'm gonna learn German. Did I learn German? - [Audience] Nein! - I don't even know
what that means! I usually say, un poquito. Which if you know
Spanish is also wrong. I can't do shit! So, I just decided
to gain weight. I didn't decide. It just was sort of the effect of the other things
I decided to do. I'm just gonna sit
around and eat a lot. My wife is a great
cook but during COVID I'd just be sitting
hermiting in my office. And so I started using
a lot of food apps, food delivery apps. Now, I forget, Chicago, do
you get weed legal yet or no? - [Audience] Yes! - Do you have weed delivery yet? - [Audience] No. - That's the greatest
fucking thing in the world. And if you can time
your weed delivery app with your food
delivery app properly. It made me believe in God. And I was kind of a satanist. 'Cause the first time
that worked out for me it was incredible. Like I ordered from
the weed one, Eaze and then I ordered
from DoorDash. My weed came, I was smoking
a joint in my backyard, I got an alert saying
my burrito was there. And I was like,
hello, burrito angel. We're gonna have a great day. And then I relied
on it, and DoorDash, they wound up, the guy
thought we were too, he started acting
like we're close, like we're pals, you know? He got too friendly with me. One day he shows up and he's
like, second lunch, huh? I was like, fuck you, dude! He's like, am I coming
back for dinner? I'm like, not with that
attitude, you aren't. You know who doesn't fat shame
me in my fucking driveway? Uber Eats. Postmates Malone are
also super cool about it. You're being a dick. Anybody else not wear
pants for a year? Yeah, I was just wearing
shorts all day every day. And then I had something
happen where I was like, oh, the first job thing came up. It was a year in and I
hadn't worn jeans in a year. And I went to put my jeans on and they were like, nope. This isn't happening. A lot of people gained
COVID 20, COVID 40, COVID... I gained COVID 72. Yeah, part of what happened is right before COVID,
my mom passed away. I know, I know. Hold on. And one of the last
things she said to me was, you're the fattest
you've ever been. I took that shit as a
challenge during COVID. I'll show you the
fattest I've ever been. Fuck you, dead mom, watch this. This shit is gonna be
unbelievable, dead mom. So I couldn't wear pants. So I went, had to go
to DXL and get pants. So these are my fat boy
jeans, I'm still wearing 'em. And then I get home and
right before the meeting I realized I didn't buy a belt. So now I find
myself in my garage trying to fashion
a belt outta rope. It worked, I made a rope belt. First I tried an extension
cord, that doesn't work. On paper you'd think
the extension cord belt will be a nice thing. It's plastic on plastic so
it just slips off constantly. The rope, it can actually
grab the rope there, you know, and keep your pants up. And the whole time I'm
at Netflix, I'm like, oh my God, I hope they
don't see my rope belt. They're like, wow, I guess
Posehn didn't save any money. COVID fucked this
poor gentleman. I guess we should buy his show 'cause apparently he lives
down by the train tracks now. I made my belt out of a rope
I was gonna hang myself with! If I don't sell this show, we'll see what happens. I shave my beard
with an old tuna can! I brush my teeth
with a rat's tail. His name's Randy. Randy and I used to be friends. I got fat shamed couple
of times during COVID by things I love. I got fat shamed by
my favorite shoe. I wear Vans, you know. I only wear three
types of shoes. If you die or you're
getting married, I'm probably wearing
Jordans to your wedding or your funeral. 'Cause I wear Jordans and
I call them my comedy shoe, it's what I wear on stage and
then I wear Vans every day and then I wear
running shoes to walk. 'Cause this dude ain't running. I'd get splints so fast. So I love Vans, they're
a lazy guy's shoe. I wear the slip-on, I love
the checkered slip-on. I saw Jeff Spicoli
wear one in 1983 and I was like,
that is my new shoe. I'm so wasted. 'Cause I won't wear flip-flops. I don't even wear flip-flops
at the fucking beach where they're made to
be, I hate flip-flops. If I see you at an
airport wearing flip-flops and you're a dude
wearing flip-flops, it's really hard for
me to not run up to you and just go fucking. And then scream
flip-flop in his face. So he knows why I
did what I just did. I don't just wanna stomp
on his foot and run away and have him go, what
the fuck was that? I want him to know
that I had a reason. Flip-flop! So I wear Vans. One morning my feet were
suddenly too fat for my Vans. I couldn't wear my Vans. I freaked out, I was like, I didn't even know
you could do that! Get fat feet? Looked like a Poppin'
Fresh opened up in my Vans. Then I was like, how do you
lose weight in your feet? Do sit ups, you dick! Or do that little, the
knuckle shuffle thing the guy in the beginning
of "Die Hard" does. Just messing round with
your foot knuckles. Then I got fat shamed
by my favorite TV show. During COVID I was just binge
watching all the time, right? And I got the Disney+. So I watched all "The Simpsons". And I was telling people
it was during season seven and then I was performing
this joke in Buffalo and a nerd yelled, season eight. And here's the
thing about nerds. Like, if a dude can
get his confidence up to yell at me from the dark, I'm gonna believe that dude. That's how nerdiness works. So season eight of the Simpsons, Homer is the fattest
he's ever been. And at one point I remember
he wears the muumuu and he gets the fat guy hat. At one point he weighs himself. We both weighed the exact
same thing that day. And I was like, fuck
you, "The Simpsons". I thought we were friends! And it's not that I
couldn't wipe my ass, but it's gotten harder. And I think it's a
trifecta of things. It's the weight gain,
it's also me getting older and just being out of shape. But during COVID,
I suddenly realized one day when I was
at my heaviest, that it was a lot harder
for me to wipe my ass. Like, to really
get down in there where you have to, you know? I'd have to lift the balls
and then pop my shoulder out. And then pop it back in
like "Lethal Weapon 2". Just. God, I hope I only have
to shit twice today. 'Cause I don't
know if my shoulder is gonna hold up to that kind
of damage for much longer. I have an outie belly button which looks worse during when
I'm heavier, it gets worse. I also have an innie penis. Super sweet combination. Just so you know
'cause I'm nervous, I haven't been here in a while and I'm doing a special,
there's high stakes. Right now, my penis
looks like a Shar-Pei trying to hide from fireworks. Like, the neighbor kid's
letting off firecrackers and this poor little Shar-Pei is trying to hide in
the curtains, just. That's what my dick
looks like right now. I'm super good at visuals. And I got the outie,
I hate the outie, it always, like I said, it
gets worse as I get heavier. And the worst is
going through TSA. Those guys gimme
shit all the time. It's happened twice now, where the TSA dude touched it. Total violation. I've never felt so terrible. Happened once before COVID and once recently, it
was right after COVID. Like I said, I'm the heaviest, I'm sitting in my backyard
four in the morning. Do a little wake and bake. Uber shows up, take
me to the airport. I fall asleep in the Uber. I wouldn't recommend
that to any of you. But I feel like if
a dude wants to do something terrible with me, he's gotta involve
another person. He's gonna have to
have an accomplice to get me into his
shitty apartment or the open grave
he's set up for me. He can't do that shit solo. So I feel like I can
sleep in an Uber. I get out of the Uber and I cruise into the airport and I go through the
"Total Recall" machine. And as soon as I come out, this dude's got an agenda. He goes right for it. He goes, sir, what's this? Bink. And I'm like, it's my body. But really, what was
I supposed to say? Poppin' Fresh callback. Fuck you, TSA dude. So I know I can
lose weight again, I've lost weight before. I lost 70 pounds a
couple years back. Yeah, yeah. It was super easy. All I did was completely
change my lifestyle. So easy! No, it was fucking hard as shit! So what I did though
is, part of my job is I eat terribly on the
weekends when I'm performing. I don't eat before
the first show, I don't eat between shows. So for years I would get
off stage at midnight and get super, super high and be fucking starving and then just eat whatever
random bullshit was around like a stoner gremlin. And I decided to cut that out. And now what I do when I
get off stage at midnight, I still get super high,
that's not gonna change. But what I'll do is I'll
go back to the hotel and I'll use the hotel gym, which has been great for me. But terrible if you're a
lady alone in the hotel gym at one in the morning. And then this fucking
dude shuffles in. That's how I look, I know. This happened, I scared the shit out of a woman two
years ago, you guys. Poor lady. It was a night like
this in Kansas City and I get off stage at midnight, I get high with a bunch of
strangers in a parking lot. By the way, you can
still make that happen. Two things, ask
me and have weed. Don't ask me to get high
if you're not holding 'cause that won't
work out well for you. Like if you go, hey
you wanna get high? And I go, yep, and you go,
me too, and just stand there? I might headbutt you. I'm not generally
prone to violence, but disappointment
sets Sasquatch off. You said! Clunk. So I get off stage, I get high, I go back to my hotel, I decide I'm gonna work out. So like we talked about earlier, I take the comedy shoes off and I put on my running shoes and I head down
to the hotel gym. But I'm dressed like this. Jeans, t-shirt, belt. 'Cause I don't give a fuck. Plus, Lululemon does not
make shit in my size. They don't even let me
in that store anymore. They're like, that's the dude who's always trying on mediums! And I'm like. My camel toe shall be legendary! They will speak about my
moose knuckle for eons! I will be talk of
the Westfield Mall. Security! So I head into the hotel
gym dressed like this. And I don't know this
'til the hotel gym that their lights were all
set on a motion sensor. So this poor woman had
been working out alone in the dark for a little while. Now I walk in, lights kick on. Yeah. You said no, but yeah. I am now blocking the doorway. I saw the panic in her face and I actually said this
out loud to a person, don't be scared! It didn't work. I forgot something about myself. I'm almost six foot seven
when I stand up straight and you cannot be my size, you
cannot be Jason Voorhees size and sneak up on somebody
and say, don't be scared! And still actually expect
them to not at all be scared. It was like she didn't
even hear the words I used. 'Cause she skipped regular
ordinary every day scared and went straight to
fucking Shudder marathon on Halloween night terrified. I saw her scream. I did not hear her scream 'cause I had my headphones on. You guys, it's
fucking way weirder to see someone scream
and not hear it than to hear it and also see it. I've looked like this
for a fair amount of time so I'm kind of used to it. She opened up her mouth
and no sound came out and I went, fuck, not again. The reason I couldn't hear her was I had my
headphones blasting. I was listening to some
music from my youth, a little death metal band out of Florida,
originally Buffalo. Or no, Cannibal Corpse
is from Buffalo. But I was listening to Obituary. Florida band, they're sweet. So, there's two treadmills
in this building. She's on one. I wanna get on the one
directly next to her. All she hears coming
from my headphones is the ultimate evil, just. And I'm like, hi. And I almost said this
'cause it was so awkward. I had this thought and I
almost said it out loud. I just wanted to break the
tension and relieve her. You know, of any
fear that she had, I wanted to assuage her fears or make her fears go away. So I almost said
this, I almost said, hey, I'm wearing running shoes. Thank God I didn't say that! That's not fucking
reassuring at all. That sounds like so
much of a threat. I'm wearing running shoes. Try to get away! Look at my long limbs, lady, you'll never escape my
orangutan-like grasp! I've learned my lesson
all these years, I'm never gonna
chase a strange woman through an empty
hotel parking lot wearing Timberlands again. Wu Tang is for the children. But Timberlands are
not for running. I scare my wife. I scare her sometimes and
it fucking pisses me off 'cause we've been
together so long, we've been together since '98. And we've been married
for a long time and she'll be in the shower and I'll be walking
through the house and she'll go, fuck! And I'm like, you fuck! You know you
married a Sasquatch, like, you don't get
to scream at me! She's trying to give
me a heart attack. You know what you married. Be weirded out if a little
guy runs in and goes, hello! That's when you fucking scream. But when doofus just walks by. Hey, baby. What the fuck? It hurts my heart. Mean without words. I love The Rock. Weird segue, but
not the weirdest. That's probably four or five. And you know me, I
can't wear a metal shirt 'cause I'm on TV and didn't
want to get it licensed. But here's the thing, I talk about metal all the time, that's not what I'm talking
about when I say The Rock. I love The Rock. Dwayne The Rock Johnson. Everybody loves that
dude, he's delightful. My wife calls him my man crush. She's not wrong. First time she found
out about the man crush, I'd had man crushes
before in the early '90s. I saw, well, late '90s,
whenever they came out, the "Lord of the Rings" films. And that Aragorn, I was
like, oh, he's delightful. He could save me from
shit. Look at him. That Legolas is
pretty dashing also. Those guys are right on. And then I got
into Jason Statham, I love Jason Statham. Saw the first
"Transporter" movie, I was like, that guy's a badass. He'd destroy me but he's a nice
charming little British guy and then we'd go for
a pint afterwards. He'd call me mate and we'd
work out our problems. And then I got into The Rock. I was a fan of his wrestling and then he started
doing action movies and action movies is my shit, I fucking love a
good action movie. So he did "The Rundown",
he did "Walking Tall". One day I'm in New
York with my wife and we're walking through
Manhattan having a nice day. We get to be in this
beautiful city together and we don't have to do work and we're just having a good
time, we have a great lunch. We're walking through the city with the love of my life,
this beautiful girl. And I see The Rock
climbing out of an Escalade and heading into the
David Letterman show. She doesn't see that. All she sees is her
husband look over and go. And she's like, what the fuck? She looks over expecting
some nerdy shit 'cause she knows how
nerdy I am, she's like, well there's gonna be
a Millennium Falcon with 20 Wookies on it, dancing. That would get the
same response from me. I'd probably join them. But no, she looks
over and sees Dwayne. And she's like, oh man. Is he your boyfriend? And I was like, no,
I mean, yeah, maybe. So he's my boyfriend. I've watched all his movies. They're not all great,
most of them aren't. But I'm still a fan, I hang
with him, he's super charming. And I start following
him on Twitter. 10 years ago probably, it's where this joke starts. Believe me, it gets timely. I'm in Target with the family and I gotta deuce in the Target. Now, some people have problems
shitting in public, I don't. I have a friend who's like,
dude I can't shit at your house. I'm like, I can
shit at your house. I'll shit in every
room in your house, I don't give a fuck. Like, why are you weird? So of course I can
shit in Target. I go in there, I
clean it up a little and I'm taking care of business. I pull out my phone. I see something
that Dwayne tweeted. So I respond to his tweet. He didn't respond to
me. That's alright. Four years after that, I'm in Target again. Goddammit. On 4/16/15, and like I said, this does become more
timely so hang in there. I'm in Target again
and I'm shitting again. But just so you guys know, I don't shit in
Target all the time. It's probably only
three or four times. Two times from this story and maybe one or two
other times, alright? just so you don't
walk away from this with that being the takeaway. Posehn only shits in
Target, what a weirdo. No, it's just a
setup for this story. And the point is I
can shit anywhere. So I'm sitting there and
this is where it gets weird because I'm reminiscing. I'm sitting on the
toilet and I go, last time I was here. So that proves that I don't
shit there all the time 'cause it'd been
about four years. So I'm there again on 4/16/15 and instead of responding
to any of his tweets, I decide to just send him
a tweet out of the air. And I had this
thought, so I was like, oh, that's a pretty good joke, I'll send that to him. So I tweeted, it
gets a little dirty. I said if, and I at-ed him. "If @TheRock said I'm gonna
eat your pussy off, comma, women would swoon. I say it once in a Target,
my wife wants a divorce." Solid joke, right? Maybe not the best joke
you'll hear here tonight but I gave it to
Twitter for free. You guys had to pay to
come in here and hear that. I threw that one
out as a freebie and I got like, 950 likes, a bunch of retweets,
400 something. And then responses,
I got 26 responses. Couple hours later, one
of them is from The Rock. Check it out. There. See it? Blue check. Big handsome
gentleman. Over there. He says, and he ats me,
he's replying to me. The Brian Posehn,
that's my name. He says, "The Brian
Posehn, true buddy, but when I say it, it's always
with a wink and a smile." I was like, goddammit! He took my dirty joke
and made it charming. He's the best! That's
why we love him. That's why he's gonna
be our next president. He's gonna unite us all. Right and the left and he's
gonna fight the aliens. He's not even done
with this tweet though. He's a pro. He
ends it with this. "You moan and rub your
balls, so I heard." Now I'm like, fuck, The
Rock's funnier than me! Oh my God! He's funnier than me. So I showed that to my
wife and she's like, God, you're an idiot. That's what you were doing
in the bathroom that long? I was like, oh yeah. I was like, just
so you know though, it was kind of the
best day of my life. One of them, one of them. It's up there with
you and also the baby. But then it's right there. So I didn't bug him. You know, part of me was like, I'm gonna start tweeting
him on the regular, no? You know, be pals,
we'll be pals. Or maybe I get my
management involved and get a meeting,
a legit meeting, go in and pitch him
something, I got some ideas. "Die Hard" in a
thing, I don't know. But I didn't wanna
be all thirsty so I just left him alone. Let him just do
whatever, you know? And if it was meant to happen,
it was meant to happen. And then. Yeah. This year. Well actually, last year. On 3/13/21. And now I haven't bugged
him since 4/16/15. He replies to our old thread. Outta nowhere. I just wake up and I see this. "Just did a spit take at
this exchange between us." And now, I don't fuck
with emojis at all, but he does the
crying laughing emoji, it's the yellow face with the
tears coming from the eyes. And then he goes, "Hopefully your Target
trips have evolved." God, he's awesome. And then he gives me two smiling
or crying laughing emojis and two sets of
brown hands praying. And now he does the
purple devil face. I don't know
emojis, like I said, purple devil face, that
means fucking, right? 'Cause a purple
eggplant means fucking, is purple just the millennial
generation Z fucking color? Now, don't get it twisted. I don't think The
Rock wants to fuck me. - [Audience Member] I do! - Thanks, man, I'm glad
somebody believes in me! I don't, though, I don't think
that's where it comes from. But I will tell you this. I got in there. Dude can't stop thinking of me. I'm living in The Rock's
brain rent free, man. One morning he gets up, he
heads down to the Dungeon, it's four in the morning,
that's what he calls his gym. He's in the Iron Paradise, that's his other
name for the gym. Oh believe me, I know, I
can almost do that rap. It's about drive,
it's about power, it's that something
something devour. So he's in there
and he puts DMX on. Or he probably puts
his own song on. Nothing wrong with that. Little narcissism
makes people strong. He's in there chilling,
he's doing some push shoves. I don't work out, clearly, so I don't even know
if that's a thing. He's doing 50 reps
of the push shove. And then he thinks of
me, the ginger 'squatch. I just pop into his
brain like, bink! And he's like, oh man, I'm gonna tweet that
guy, I'm gonna... So I showed that to my wife. And she's like, so? God, you're both idiots,
and I was like, alright. But just so you know, The Rock could take
me away from you. I just want it out there. I just want it all
out on the table. The Rock could take
me away from you. And it won't take a huge effort. All it'll be is like me and my, I'm in my backyard
smoking a joint by myself at two in the morning. My dog's chilling with me. He DMs me. He's like, come to Florida. I fucking hate Florida! I travel everywhere but it's
my least favorite place to go. It sucks. There's a reason death
metal comes from there, man. Those kids grow up hating life and they're just like, Florida! I took a shower once in Orlando, I got dirty while I
was in the shower. I was like, fuck you, Florida! Oh my god, I gotta
take a third shower! What the fuck? But am I moving to Florida
to live with The Rock? Fuck yeah I am. I'm on the next jet
he sends for me, man. So I get in his private
jet, I fly out to Florida, we hang out, and like I said,
it's not sexual, you know, but we'll just talk about movies and wrestling and cool stuff. Maybe we'll cuddle. I'd like to cuddle with a bro. It's okay. I've never been small
spooned in my life. I'm always the big spoon. Even when I fucked a tall girl, I was still the big spoon. I'd love to be small
spooned by somebody. Everybody wants to be small
spooned once in their life. And he's technically
shorter than me, but he's got those huge arms. Those huge pythons. I just picture us on a giant hammock built to hold 600 pounds. We're hanging out on
this, got it at DXL through the catalog. We're on a man
hammock, a mammock. And he cuddled, he's
got his arms around me. And I'm just giggling and
looking at his tattoos. What's this one mean, Daddy? Yeah, I'd call him Daddy. He's like, oh that's. God, your voice is so soothing. And I'm like, what's this one? I don't normally
enjoy tribal work but that's impeccable. He's like, well that's
out of Pittsburgh, a guy named Bones and
I go out and see Bones, that took 12 hours on
the table, I'm going. 'Cause I just feel more secure than I've ever felt in my life. I wake up eight hours
later, fully rested like, is it a cheat day, Daddy? Yeah, we're making pancakes. So I told my wife
the whole joke. She's like, you're
a fucking idiot! And I'm like, clearly. But are you gonna tell
The Rock about Aquaman? I was like, what about Aquaman? She's like, you know. I like Aquaman too. Not Aquaman, the DC character. Well it is, but I like the
actor that portrays him. The Aquaman sucks,
let's be honest. But that dude Jason
Momoa is delightful. That's a beautiful human being. Ladies, just so you know, I've seen him in
person, he's incredible. We were on a plane
together. He didn't see me. I'm four seats back. I saw him at the airport too, we're flying from
Vancouver to LA. We're both up there
working and we're flying. He's in first,
we're both in first, I'm in the back of
first and he's up there and I noticed he's
wearing flip-flops. Remember? But I was cool with it! 'Cause I was like, if
anybody can wear flip-flops, it's fucking Aquaman. He makes it cool. Like some shit's going down
in the ocean, he's just like. Flip-flop and then
right into the ocean. Then he takes his flip-flops off halfway through the flight. I fall asleep for a little bit but I wake up and I see
Aquaman's feet on the bulkhead. His bare feet on the bulkhead. If I see anybody doing that, anybody else, like
one of you guys, putting your feet up on
a plane, your bare feet, it's gonna take five
flight attendants to pull me off of you. We're probably gonna
crash into a mountain. 'Cause I'm like, put
your fucking shoes on! As we hit the mountain. But I was suddenly
cool with him. And then my wife's like,
what about Roman Reigns? It's pretty cool that she even
knows who Roman Reigns is. If you don't know, Roman
Reigns is a wrestler. He's also from Dwayne's family, his Samoan side of the family. And here's the thing, you guys, I think I just like
Pacific Islanders. I think I got a thing
for Hawaiian dudes. 'Cause there's this guy
who owns a coconut stand with his mom on the
north shore of Oahu. We've seen him when we
take our family vacation, we've had some coconuts
that he's chopped up for us. He's delightful. Just those eyes,
those cheek bones. I could lay in his hammock. We'd probably break
it 'cause it's not one of the the good DXL kind. But look at his tattoos even though they're
kind of janky. But I just love it 'cause
he smells like coconut. So I talked about this
before, I got picked on a lot. And sometimes people
don't believe me because they're like, how? You're huge. But I didn't turn huge
till after high school. I grew eight inches in one year. From 18 to 19.
Literal growing pains. Like "American Werewolf
in London" shit. It was just my body just going. Me falling out of a
twin bed going, Mom! Why am I growing? So then, 'cause I would've
used this shit in high school but I didn't, so. In high school I got beat
up by a girl at school in front of everybody. Another girl saved
me, my friend Tracy. But I was like, don't
ever do that again. That was worse. And then I got beat up by a
special ed kid at high school. These jocks told this kid that I had fucked with some
of his stuff, I hadn't. They told him I threw
his shoes up on the gym. Would I do that? Fuck no! I didn't do that. I can't tell this kid, I tell him but he
doesn't listen. He's hitting me with his
"Space: 1999" lunchbox. And the whole time
I'm like, dude, I'm the only one here who
also knows "Space: 1999". Like, you're bad at making
friends, special ed kid. Have you seen "Battlestar
Galactica"? That shit's amazing. So I took some hits. Later I got into a nerd fight. I fought a fellow
nerd at high school. It was actually, we had
the fight after school. But I was the metal
nerd in my neighborhood. Met this dude named Ian and he was the punk rock
dude in my neighborhood and we became friends. We bonded over being shitty at skateboarding
and video games. And we were friends for a while, about a year and a half. And then one day at high school he decides we're
not friends anymore. I think 'cause I wanted
to fuck his stepsister, I don't know. It's a long time ago. But he decides we're fighting. He tells everybody
we're fighting. Everybody at school wants
to see the nerd fight at the end of the day. So kids come to our bus stop that don't even live
in my neighborhood. Our bus pulls up and then all these
Camaros pull up and shit. And Mustangs 'cause
it was the '80s. Couple El Caminos. Night Ranger's playing. They weren't there but they were bumping
from somebody's car. It would've been cool
if they were there. They're a Bay Area
band, they're like, hey, we're here for the nerd fight. We're gonna play "Sister
Christian" twice. "You Can Still Rock
in America" once and then we're gonna
get outta here. Let the nerd fight commence. But no, they were just
playing out of a car. So we square up. I've never fought anybody
before in my life. I've never had any training. I've had people offer me. There was an old dude
in my neighborhood who was also the wrestling coach and I used to ride by his
house on my paper route and he was always like, Posehn, come in here and I'll show
you how to take a punch. No! That sounds awful! That's how I wind
up in your basement with a gas rag in my mouth. So I don't know how to fight. I'm back on the bus, I
don't know how to fight. I get off the bus,
we're in a circle, I've gotta do this. Ugh, we take our glasses off 'cause we're both nerds. Put our glasses away
and then we go at it. But I don't do anything, I'm just mostly half hugging him and just trying not to get hit and he's trying to punch me and I'm like, this sucks! I thought we were friends! And his glasses fall off. And I'm like, oh man, this
is the ultimate asshole move. But here's how I end this shit. So I just fucking
stomped on his glasses. - [Audience Member] No! - I'm a dick sometimes! Turns out they were my glasses! I didn't even look! I'd never been confident about anything
before in my life. I chose that moment to
have confidence finally, I was like, this is
how I end this, haha! Smash. Everybody's like, oh man. Pointing at me, Night
Ranger's laughing. My glasses are now in six pieces and I have to walk home
to our shitty apartment and tell my mom that Ian
stomped on my glasses. That's the low point. Things get better. I start yelling about my
dick into a microphone. I have this crazy life. I mean, I'm not the most
famous comic in the world but I have great memories. I've met my favorite bands. I've met musicians,
people I worship, I got to meet Rush. I'm friends with the two
nice guys in Metallica. I once had Rob Zombie say
this to me 16 years ago. Rob Zombie said, hey, you
wanna get shot in the face? I'm like, in a movie?
He's like, yeah, sure. Let's put it in a movie. That's not everybody
else's dream. But that's my dream,
to get shot in the face in a horror movie. I'm living my dreams. I've met the funniest fucking
comedians in the world. You know, everybody, I've
worked with Rickles here. Chicago Theater in my
20s, I opened for Rickles. It was one of the best things that fucking ever happened
to me, it was amazing. But I've had this
long career, man, and I've worshiped things. I worship my relationship to these friendships I've made. In 94, I moved from San
Francisco to Los Angeles and I was living
with a couple people, couple comedians and my manager. And we had a three story
house in the hills there, where Manson did his business. Well, his people
did his business. He just sat around. That's my Manson. I've never done that before
but it's pretty dead on. I dunno why I digressed to
do a Manson in my special. You fucking idiot,
get through this joke. So we have the
Northridge earthquake. It's a big earthquake,
happens in '94. And I've been through
a bunch of earthquakes 'cause I grew up in
Northern California so I'm used to 'em, I was like,
ah, this is fucking nothing. You know, so I just
grabbed my weed and ran outta the house. And then we found out
after the earthquake, during aftershocks
that if you could go to certain places of the house and you could shake the house, it would feel like
an aftershock, right? So my roommate and I found out that if we went to
the second floor where our rooms were,
and shook our windows, it would feel like an
earthquake on the third floor. So we did that to
all our friends. I pranked people all
the fucking time. So many. I had my girlfriend at the time, at one point she's like,
stop fucking doing that! I did it 60 more times 'cause
I can't let go of a joke. I thought it was so funny. Dave Chappelle's in
our house one day, from comedy and controversy. And name dropping. We're hanging, maybe we
were smoking weed, we were. We were playing '90s video games but then you just
called them video games. Little Sega. Sega! We're hanging out and outta
nowhere Dave goes, man, I hate earthquakes. And I'm like, yeah dude, me too! I'm looking at my roommate
like, oh shit, oh shit! He goes on 'cause he grew
up on the East Coast. He's not familiar with them. They freak him the fuck
out, he hates them. I'm like, enough. I wait a little bit. I give my roommate the signal. We head down to
the second floor, we go to our window frames. I shook that window
frame so fucking hard. And the longest I'd ever
done it, like 45 seconds. This is an eight pointer
and it's lasting. It's rolling, shaking the
shit out of the house. We go back upstairs, true story. Dave was gone. We found out later
from his management that we scared him
so bad he ran down, didn't even see us
on the second floor, ran to the first floor,
ran outside of our house, got into his rental car, drove to the fucking
Los Angeles airport and flew the fuck home! I haven't seen him in 26 years. If you see that dude, ask him
if he still hates earthquakes. You know, earthquakes,
without getting too serious, hating earthquakes or
being scared of them is called seismophobia. And I just think everybody
should work on their phobias. That's the main takeaway here. So, I talked about a
lot of things tonight. I mentioned her earlier, she's the love of my life. She's my dog. We have two dogs at our house. My wife has a dog
and I have a dog, it didn't start that way, we had two dogs and then they
kind of became mine and hers. My dog is named Mavis. - [Audience Member] Aww. - She is a Bernese Mountain Dog. She's beautiful. Pretty lady. So smart. Funny even,
can dogs be funny? She's funny. My wife's dog,
Fuckface Shitpants. I don't like as much. Me and Fuckface Shitpants don't
really get along, you guys. Fuckface Shitpants
thinks it's okay to just climb up on
the kitchen table and eat food off
the kitchen table like we're in a wacky '80s movie where all the shit
is topsy-turvy. It's "Mr. Mom", it's
"Weird Science", the dog's on the fucking
table eating food. What the fuck is happening,
Fuckface Shitpants? One day we're
having people over. Nice little barbecue
at our house. She climbs up on our
table in the backyard, pulls the hot dog off
of the bun, so gently. I go back to my hot
dog, there's no hot dog! Just a bun, I see
Fuckface Shitpants going. I almost threw her
into the sun, you guys. I Hulked out, I was like. But no. My wife, she calls
my dog The Mistress. She's like The Mistress
was waiting for you, blah. So during COVID, my
dog and I bond harder than we've ever bonded 'cause I never left the house and she's not used to that, she's used to me
leaving all the time. So we're fucking Cesar
Millan and his posse, we're like "Dog
Whisperer" shit, man, we're close, she's my ride
or die, that dog, right? I come home from my first trip doing standup a
couple months ago and I think everything's cool. But about six hours
later my wife goes, you realize you hugged
the dog first today? I was like, I didn't
even think about it. And then I was like,
yeah, but she ran at me. You just stood there at the top of the driveway
with your arms crossed. I don't know,
maybe be proactive. Maybe next time you see me do something outta your element. She ran down and stood on
her hind legs and hugged me, it was adorable. I don't know, run
down on your hands. Do a flip. Do something or The Rock's
gonna take me away from you. I hope you guys had
a good time, man. I did, I had a great
time, thank you so much. I love you, Chicago. Cheers. Goodnight, fam. ♪ Saturday night comedy show ♪ Haven't done
one in six years ♪ ♪ We'll see how this goes ♪ It ain't rocket surgery ♪ It's not brain science ♪ It's a comedy show ♪ Here comes Brian
