Marty Ross at the Comedy Chateau

i can do this without hurting everybody in the front um i'm gonna try i use that to sit on it but it's too high for me so uh it's always good when they put the oldest comedian on last night because there's a good chance you wouldn't have seen me i'm 81 years old [ __ ] i wish i made that up [Laughter] and um is that my time for your mom and i i need to come clean i do have three ex-wives but [ __ ] them that is not in this in this room right now so many of you may have seen me probably nobody's seen me it doesn't matter i looked in the mirror i saw myself i used to talk about my eight-year-old grandson i saw you i used to talk about my eight-year-old grandson of being a dick because we're playing checkers one day looks up at me and goes you're going down bald man and then he said grandpa if you die while we're playing i win anybody else on one of these yeah you want another one we're trying to get rid of them maybe you can give us yours and we can do it too for him you know oh i'm excited because gary busey almost knocked me over three times i know i i did the same drugs [Laughter] i'm not complaining i'm just seeing where i'm gonna fall when i end up a little scary when you're two foot three [Laughter] so now that eight-year-old grandson had just turned 18 graduated high school and now he thinks he knows everything and i know nothing anyone else have any of these kind of gifts he's he says grandpa you know it's 20 21 you don't know how anything works i'm like really do you know how to please a woman he said no but you have three ex-wives to eat it to you thanks for encouraging me but it's partially right uh you know i'm old school i suck at technology you know i i i was there when a phone was a phone it was attached holy [ __ ] well we know my heart's okay i just want to apologize to this skinny [ __ ] [Laughter] so i i i was talking about something who gives a [ __ ] somebody's gonna be standing here talking it might as well be me [Music] so i was telling you your old school phone was a phone you could only walk as far as the cord would allow you now everything's a phone in fact i don't know what's the phone i don't know what's not a phone i was trying to call my daughter the other day i'm punching in her number punching in her number nothing happened so i gave up a little while later my name was gold and said do you realize that for the last half hour your garage door's been going up i mean if you don't like me just say so is the restaurant almost closed how long have i been standing i wanted to talk about some other [ __ ] but i was so busy talking i forgot to tell you what i was going to talk about yeah that's nothing that doesn't happen all right so i i did hear say someone say uh when they saw me they said boys is that guy small well i'm 81 years old and and yes exactly we just mind doing this so this i used to be 6-2 well one of you believes me 220 pounds this is all that's left when i was younger i could look at a note and remember the next one [Laughter] i'm lucky if i can remember which pocket i remember i got old i remember that i looked in the mirror i looked old and then i started shrinking and and losing weight and body mass and and and well i'm driving alone at five miles an hour i hit a speed bump [Laughter] [Applause] landed on some ladies lawn while she's having a yard sale and someone tried to buy me for two bucks yeah they thought i was a lawn gnome [Laughter] i have this one dying that one can't breathe so i i don't want to tell you in case you you're not old enough yet and if you want to get old uh here's the best thing about being old and there's older people here you can agree or not i find the best thing about being old is now when i go to get my teeth cleaned i just drop them off [Applause] [Music] you know after the show i'll come to your house yeah i did something on my [ __ ] list i went skydiving yes and i was terrified in fact if any of you were in the santa barbara area about two weeks ago yesterday that wasn't bird poop it's taken this long to get that one also i'm very proud i was in a senior 10k and i won but no i didn't really come in first i was the only one strong enough to break the tape at the finish all right i got the light i got to leave but before i do i just want to end with this one thing that got me on america's got talent and then nothing else happened except seven million people have seen the freaking thing yay me anyway so i don't hear very well and i found this out uh recently again while i was talking to this woman who happened to mention to me that she has a peanut allergy yeah i just heard the word i said what happened she said i start choking and gagging i said well maybe you need a smaller one and she said size doesn't matter and i'm like yes it does i said what did your doctor say she said my doctor said i have to build up a tolerance yeah so naturally i'm your man thank you very much

Channel: Marty Ross Comedy

Views: 999

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Id: Sq_FSC6C264

Length: 10min 38sec (638 seconds)

Published: Fri May 14 2021